Benson (1979–1986): Season 1, Episode 7 - Snowbound - full transcript

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(DOGS BARKING)

Kraus, what did you
feed them as puppies?

People?

Were the steaks still on sale?

Yeah, and that's the
last time I do you a favor.

There are only five here.
I asked you to get me six.

Well, I had to give
one to the dogs

to get from the
car to the porch.

You gave a steak to the dogs?

Be happy there's still five.



I almost had to give
them another one

to get from the
porch to the door.

So, what did you give them?

Your cat.

Listen, I've got some
exciting news. Guess what?

Taylor quit.

No, we're all going to my Uncle
Murray's lodge up in the snow.

I can write my State of
the State speech there

and we can ski and
play in the snow.

And it'd be wonderful for Katie.

Our Camp David.

Or, in this case, Camp Murray.

What do you say, Benson?

Have a real good time.



Oh, no, you're coming,
too. We're all going.

It will be a kind of
working vacation.

Well, if I wanted a
working vacation,

I'd be a lifeguard in Acapulco.

Oh, Benson, just
think, you can go skiing.

Not me.

I ain't strapping
no sticks to my feet

to be jerked up a
mountain on a wire

so I can come down again at
60 miles an hour with no brakes.

The best thing I can
hope for is to hit a soft tree

and break a leg
instead of a neck.

Why don't you try it, Gretchen?

(EXCLAIMING) I have
shushed all over the Alps.

I'll bet you have.

Did you tell 'em? Yeah.

Isn't that great?

Those places are just
swarming with ski instructors

and they're all gorgeous.

There's no such thing
as a homely ski instructor.

They won't let them
on the mountain.

Oh, that seems so cruel.

What do they do, stop
them at the chair lift?

No.

All I know is this trip
makes terrific press.

"The Governor skis."

People love that stuff.

No, Taylor, all I want
is a quiet vacation.

Every once in a while
I've just got to get away

from the pressures
of this office.

But, sir, think what this
could do for your image.

No, Taylor, no press.

Nobody is to know about this
trip. Not even the state police.

I just wish I looked
better in the cold.

My face gets all blotchy,
my hair gets all stringy,

my nose runs, and my lips crack.

I'm sorry I'm going
to miss all that.

(EXCLAIMING IN GERMAN)

What? What's the matter?

Oh, I just remembered my Aunt
Helga is flying in from Dusseldorf.

I promised to pick her up.

I can't go.

Well, what are we gonna do?

Marcy can't cook
and Taylor won't cook.

I can only make one thing, but who
wants Peach Melba three times a day?

Benson, could you reconsider?

Uh, I'm sorry, Governor,

but I have to go to a party

at my favorite uncle's.

That was last night.

Same party, that's why
he's my favorite uncle.

Benson, please.

Okay, just a minute. Uh, Kraus.

Are you sure
you're not going? Ja.

You're staying here? Ja.

So, it'll be just the two of us,

you and me, here together,

by ourselves, all alone.

Ja. I'll go pack.

Well, here we are.

Well, I ain't cleaning this.
No way am I cleaning this.

I wonder if there
are any survivors.

Well, at least it's quiet.

Just the sound of the wind
whistling through the walls.

Look at this dust!
I'm not feeling well.

Daddy.

Can I go outside and play?

Honey, you can do anything
you want to. This is your vacation.

It sure ain't mine.

Thank you, Daddy.

You're welcome,
sweetheart. For what?

For taking me here. I love you.

Katie, try not to track any of this
dirt out on to that nice, clean snow.

Benson, start a fire.
My hands are cold.

Sit on 'em!

I'm sick, Benson. I think I'm
coming down with pneumonia.

When you're sure, call me.

Uh, Governor, would you happen
to know where the toilet might be?

Uh, yes, I think there's
one in the bathroom.

That's basically what I meant.

Where's that?

Oh, through this door
and down the hall.

Thank you.

In case anyone's
interested, I'm dying.

Fine, I'll only set
four places for dinner.

I have pneumonia,
I'm getting frostbite,

my skin is dead,

and my glasses are
frozen to my nose.

Oh, I can't move.

Now, I can't even move.

(MARCY SCREAMS)

There's a bear in there. A what?

A bear. A bear.

There's a bear in the bathroom.

Are you sure?

I'm pretty sure
it isn't a plumber.

Oh, for crying out loud.

Well, that is no
reason to panic!

Screaming is the worst thing
that you could do to a bear.

They'll tear you to pieces.

I'm in a room the size
of a walnut with a bear

and he's telling
me not to panic.

Who are you, Grizzly Adams?

The thing to do is let
him know you're his friend.

Let him smell your hand.

Governor, I'm not
interested in training him.

BENSON: All right,
stand back everybody.

I've got him.

Here's your bear.

They look a lot bigger
in the Disney movies.

You can't tell a
raccoon from a bear?

It was an honest mistake.

They both have fur.

(EXCLAIMING)

All right, let's get spruced up
around here and get things organized.

You and Katie can take that room

and the three of us
will take this bedroom.

(WHEEZING LOUDLY)

Why are you doing that?

It's my sinuses.
I can't breathe.

Sinuses and we're
sharing the same room?

(WHEEZING)

Terrific, it's gonna be like
sleeping with a seal act.

I gotta go to bed. Wake
me when dinner's ready.

Taylor, start sweeping.

Why don't you just
kill me, Benson?

Why don't you just kill me now?

Sweep first, then we'll talk.

(WHEEZING)

No wonder penguins
walk this way.

(SCREAMS) Don't touch me!

Kraus, what are you doing here?

I was sleeping
until you butted in.

I thought you had
to meet your aunt.

Well, her plane was diverted
because of bad weather.

Well, how'd you get here?

I took a bus to the village
und walked up the mountain.

You walked up the
entire mountain?

I did it three times
a day in Bavaria.

Piece of kugel.

But it had to be 15 below
last night. It was freezing.

Freezing? That's freezing?

In Bavaria, that's nippy.

Miss Kraus!

Look, Benson, it's Miss Kraus.

I see her.

On the couch.

I see her. I see her.

How'd you get here?

She walked.

What, am I a mute? I walked.

When did you get here?

Last night during the storm.

You were all asleep.

Isn't that great?

Now we're all here together,

like one big happy family.

Hey, everybody!

So, Kraus, you're
staying. Of course.

Here. Ja.

With us. Absolutely.

Then I'm not needed.
You never were.

I'll go pack.

I'll help you.

Miss Kraus!

Hello, Liebchen.

How'd you get here?

Last night, I walked
up the mountain

during the storm,
while you were sleeping.

Miss Kraus, how
did you get here?

Do I have to go through this

every time someone
comes into the room?

Miss Kraus... Last
night, I walked!

Well, you won't be needing
my services anymore.

Kraus, have a wonderful time.

All I can say is
it's been tense.

So, as the old
saying goes, goodbye.

Must have snowed last night.

You think so?

Only thing I can figure.

You may be right.

Taylor, check the windows.

Are we snowed in?

Well, it's hard to
tell with all this snow.

How are we gonna
get to the market?

How do we get to the car?

Taylor, get on the
phone and call a plow.

A plow? How do you call a plow?

Stand behind a tree and
make noises like a snow bank.

Oh, God, this is fun.

Okay, that's it.

It's over. It's all over.

What are you mumbling about?

The phone is dead, Benson.

Dead, el morto.

Zip, zero, zilch.

Katie, I have to discuss
something with your father.

Would you mind leaving
the room for a moment?

Sure.

All right, we're all adults.

So we have to
assess the situation.

We're snowed in,
right? ALL: Right.

We can't get out and they
can't get in, right? ALL: Right.

We can't phone out and they
can't phone in, right? ALL: Right.

So, as I see it,
we're all gonna die.

(SOBBING)

Well,

you can forget
that. It's hopeless.

We can't tunnel out.

Oh, but you've been
digging for hours.

You're telling me?

I should have been in
another state by now.

Help will be here soon, 'cause
the state police knows we're here.

No, they don't.

You didn't tell them?
No, you told me not to.

When did you start
listening to me?

Well, we may be here a while,

so let's find out how much food
we have and start rationing it.

Well, this is it.

A bag of potato chips,

two Ding Dongs and
my three diet sodas.

I think the four basic food
groups are well represented.

Wait, I've got something.

Three Milky Ways, a
Snickers and Tootsie Rolls.

GOVERNOR: Katie. Sorry.

What did I tell you
about candy? Give it here.

I'll throw these
right in the garbage.

Whoa! Whoa! Wait
a minute. I'll take that.

You'll ruin your teeth, Benson.

Well, I ain't got nothing
to smile about anyway.

Okay, now, for lunch we
each get two potato chips.

If you clean your plate, you'll
get a Tootsie Roll for dessert.

Grease and candy.

You know what this
diet's gonna do to my skin?

I once saw this movie where a
plane crashed in the mountains

and what the people did
was they ate the other people

and then wrote
"help" in the snow.

Why don't we do that?

I think I'd rather have a
couple of potato chips.

No, write in the snow.

We will go outside und
write "help" in the snow.

We can't write in the snow.

It's too high and
we're under it.

The roof. We'll
write it on the roof.

One of us will climb up the
chimney and write it on the roof.

Me! Me!

Not you.

Why, I'm the smallest.

The way you spell, we'll
never get out of here.

I guess it's me
then. I'm the thinnest.

No, no, you're too tall.

There's a bend in the chimney.
We need someone shorter.

Taylor.

I'm not short. Are you
saying that I'm short?

Short enough.

I am not short, Benson. I am
not considered a short person.

Fine, you're Wilt
Chamberlain. Get up there.

I can't.

I have claustrophobia,

my blood sugar level is falling.

I'll never make it.

Taylor.

I'll die up there, Benson.

Up there or down
here. Your choice.

Down here.

All right, I'll go.

Do you see anything?

Yeah, I see the last guy
that tried to get out this way.

Is Katie sleeping?

Like a baby.

P-I-Z-Z-A, 18 points.

Great, six starving people
and his word is "pizza."

Excuse me.

I don't quite know
how to say this,

but one of the
candy bars is missing.

What do you mean?

I mean someone stole
one of the candy bars.

Someone who couldn't
share like everyone else.

Someone who was worried
perhaps about his blood sugar level!

I did not take your candy bar.

That was not me.

I swear it on my mother's head.

Big deal, your mother is dead.

Then, if you didn't take it,

what were you doing
hanging around the cupboard

a few minutes ago?

Standing. I was standing.

Can't a person stand
by the cupboard?

You weren't standing,
you were stealing!

You were stealing a candy bar
from starving women and children!

Wait a minute. Wait a minute,
Marcy. Maybe you miscounted.

How can you miscount two?

There were three
Milky Way candy bars,

now there are two!

One is gone!

Oh, the Milky Ways. Of course
one is gone. I put it out in the snow.

In the snow?

Oh, they're much better frozen.

Give it another half hour.

Happy?

Sorry, I get a little cranky
when I miss 10, 12 meals.

Here we are.

Strassenbraunshoffner.

Forty-two points.

Oh, Miss Kraus,
that's a good word.

In Germany that's a good
word. In English that's cheating.

Look at this. Look what I found.

A box of raisin flakes.
An old box of raisin flakes.

This must be about 15 years old.

Let me see. No.

Come on, you have to
share with us. Not with you...

You should divide them. We
should share them equally.

You are stepping on them.

You are stepping on the flakes.

She's stepping on the flakes!

Stop it, stop it, all
of you! Look at you!

Grownups killing themselves
over some stale food!

Look at that, would you?

There were so many
more raisins in those days.

Shh! Quiet. What was that sound?

Maybe it's a grizzly bear
who's coming to eat us.

That's stupid. There
are no grizzlies here.

No? Where are they? In
Bermuda for the winter?

(KNOCK ON WINDOW)

Did you hear that?

Maybe they've come to rescue us.

Take me first, I'm
not well. Take me.

Oh, God.

Thank God!

We were stranded in our
car. We saw the chimney.

Some day for a drive.

My wife is pregnant.

Oh, I was hoping she
was hoarding food.

When I heard a storm was
coming, I wanted to get in town

just in case she
went into labor.

We were almost up to the
house when the snow gave way

and we dropped into your tunnel.

When are you due? In two weeks.

Oh, good, then there's time.

Not a lot. I'm in labor now.

Oh, well, let's get her into the
bedroom so she can lie down.

Oh, you poor thing. I know.

I want you to know, Marvin,
I'm not gonna forget all this.

(GROANS)

I didn't know what to do.

Didn't know what to do? You
were full of ideas nine months ago.

I got some more.

I had to fight
the raccoon for it.

Here, let me take it.

Now, don't eat those, Taylor.

You'll break your caps.

(HARRIET SCREAMS)

It's all my fault.
This is all my fault.

You can say that again.

That's it, we're almost ready,

so bring in the water
just as soon as it boils.

Are you sure you
know what you're doing?

Oh, absolutely. No,
don't worry about a thing.

Listen, I'm an old hand at this.

When I was a kid, I spent
summers on my uncle's farm.

I used to deliver
pigs all the time.

Not that your wife
is in any sense...

But the principle is the same.

Uh, sir, we are talking
about a baby here.

Everything will be fine, Benson.

You know how to do it, huh?

More than anybody
else here does.

That's not saying a lot.

No, but I don't see that
we have much choice.

Benson.

What is it, Taylor?

I am going for help.

Come on, Taylor, not
even Smokey the Bear

would be out on
a night like this.

There are women and
children here, Benson.

If I don't go, they
will starve to death.

If I do go, there's a chance.

It's a slim chance,

but a chance nonetheless,

and I must take that chance.

So I'm going, Benson.

I'm going.

So don't try to stop me.

It's no use, Benson.

You couldn't stop me
if you tried, so don't try.

Benson, in case I
don't make it back,

there's something
I want you to know.

What's that, Taylor?

I never really liked you.

I can't stand this.
I can't stand this.

You're doing fine. Just fine.

Get me out of here.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Well, come in, come in.

It's okay, I'm fine right here.

I don't want my baby here.

Where do you want it? Out here?

When I tell you to push, push.

(GROANING)

Okay, you won't be needing
my services anymore.

Thank you very
much. Have a nice day!

Just relax. Take a
slow, deep breath.

This is gonna be
easier than the pigs.

Pigs didn't push.

(HARRIET SCREAMS)

Benson, what's going on?

Oh, she's having a baby, Katie.

If she doesn't be quiet,
she's gonna wake it up.

Are you sure the Governor
knows what he's doing?

If the Governor says
he can do it, he can do it.

He said he could
balance a budget,

and look at the mess he made.

Benson, this is terrible.

There's no food. How's
the baby gonna eat?

From her mother. She's got milk.

Is there enough for everyone?

(HARRIET SCREAMS)

(EXCLAIMING)

Marvin, the Governor
doesn't need your help.

But Harriet does.

I mean, I feel I
should be with her.

She's very delicate.

She's stronger
than you think, man.

So's the baby.

I figure, God sort of
worked it out that way

because he had to keep us going

until somebody came up
with the idea of hospitals.

(HARRIET SCREAMS LOUDLY)

I don't think God's making
them as strong as he used to.

It's awfully quiet.
Why is it so quiet?

(BABY WAILS)

Did something happen?

I think your wife
just had a baby.

(STAMMERING)
Is she... She's fine.

And you have a
son. Congratulations.

Are you sure? Yeah.

I double-checked.

A son? I have a son.

Oh, God, thank you. A son!

Well, how is he? Is he okay?

Does he having everything,
five fingers and toes?

Ten, he's got ten.

Fine, ten. What
difference does it make?

I'll love him anyway.

Thank you, Governor, thank you.

And next time I'll
vote for you. I promise.

Can I go in? Can
I see them? Sure.

Do you think it would be
all right if I saw the baby?

Yeah, sure.

Come meet my son.

(BABY CRYING)

Well, I'll be darned.

Yeah, me, too.

I didn't think you could do it.

Yeah, me, too.

Something had to
be done and you did it.

It feels good, Benson.

(LOUD RAPPING ON WINDOW)

Like I said, there
was a slim chance.

Taylor, are you all right?

I said that I would
bring back help and I did.

It was so cold.

There was absolutely
no shelter from the wind.

I was almost at
the sleep of death,

and then, like a
miracle, I saw them.

We found him sitting
on the roof crying.

(INAUDIBLE)

Well, I must say,
it's good to be back.

Good, I've never seen anything
so beautiful my entire life.

Thank you.

Anybody want anything to eat?

No, I stuffed
myself at the diner.

Is there any ice
cream in the freezer?

Sorry, bad choice of words.

I'll go get you some fruit.

I don't think I have
the strength to chew.

Look, before I go home,

I just want to clear up
any misunderstandings

that you all might have had.

That isn't necessary, Taylor.

We understand
you too well already.

Now, we've all done
things under stress

that we're not too proud of.

Yeah, but, you know up there,

under those circumstances,

you really find out
what you're made of.

That's why we didn't
eat you for breakfast.

NARRATOR: Benson is videotaped

before a studio audience.