Benidorm (2007–…): Season 3, Episode 2 - Episode #3.2 - full transcript

Noreen, the Oracle's mum ,assumes he is gay when he tells her he is not interested in currently dating women and she seeks advice from Gavin and Troy. Whilst most of the other guests are on a day trip to a water park, the Oracle goes to an internet cafe and meets, online, a woman called Lesley, though, unbeknown to him, Lesley is actually a transvestite. At the water park Mick antagonizes everyone by arguing with Madge and Mel and Martin ends up in the nude when Brandy steals his clothes whilst he is swimming.Back at the bar Mick makes up with Janice when he says it with flowers but Martin sends Brandy packing for humiliating him and she ends up kissing Paco. The biggest humiliation is reserved for the Oracle, however, when his mother 'outs' him from the karaoke stage and performs 'Y.M.C.A.' with the Stewarts and Gavin and Troy dressed as the Village People, causing him to flee in horror.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
Oh, it's busy this morning.

Yes, they must be giving out
free scratch cards with every breakfast.

Good morning, boys.
Don't forget, coach trip today.

Oh, yeah!

Bring your trunks.
We're just off to get ours.

Oh. Do you fancy that?

Hmm. Seeing Donald and Jacqueline
cavorting in their Speedos.

What's the alternative?

Being shot between the eyes
with a rusty air rifle.

Oh! No contest. Pull the trigger.

Are you sure you don't want anything
more than that, son?

No. That was lovely.

I mean, don't get me wrong,

I think you've done brilliant
with your dieting.

But let's be honest,

if you turn sideways now,
you'd be marked absent.

You're joking!
I've got another two stone to go.

Another two stone!

You'll have to hollow out your legs,
there's nothing on you.

Your Uncle Francis said
your dad had an elastic band fitted.

Like that Fearne Cotton off the telly.

But I told him, "It's a will of iron
that boy's used to get his weight down

"and nothing more."

Don't you mean Fern Britton?

Now, are you coming with me
to the waterfalls of Agadoo?

The waterfalls of Algar!

That's it.

No. I've got a bit of business
to sort out in the old town.

- Do you want me to come?
- No!

I've got to see an hombre about a perro.

Oh! Right.

Hey, you never know.

That what's-her-name
might be coming to the waterfalls.

- Telle.
- I'm not interested.

You are! You had a date with her.

We're just friends.

Well, its about time
you got yourself a nice girlfriend.

Mother, will you leave it?

What happened to that girl
with the funny lip

you met on that YTS scheme?

Was her name Cheryl?

I can't remember.
It's a good few years ago.

I haven't got time
for girls right now, all right?

Haven't got time for girls?
A good-looking lad like you?

What about that lass off the internet
you were talking to?

- Mother, can we just drop the subject?
- I told you

I'd lend you the money to go to Brazil
but you didn't seem keen.


how many times do I have to tell you?
I'm just not interested!

(LAUGHING) Not interested in girls?

What are you interested in then?


Right, mother, what's going on today?

Are you coming with us on this trip
or are you staying here?

I'm not going
anywhere I can't take me chair.

I'm on me holidays,
I shouldn't have to walk around.

Come on! Look at that.
There's two waterfalls,

a diving area
and a natural swimming pool.

You joking?
She ain't gonna come with us.

All that water?

She'd be frightened if somebody throws
a bar of Imperial Leather at her

and she'll have to get a wash.

Well, you're not going anywhere,
you've got to work for Mel.

Madge, it may have escaped your notice

but Mel's Mobility Boutique tragically
burned to the ground last night,

thus rendering me sadly unemployed.

He'll still need you to clear things up.

He can't be expected to do that
on his own.

You think I'm spending the day
shovelling shit

in a burnt-out shop
when its 80 degrees out here,

you can kiss my arse!

MADGE: Same to you!

There's no wonder the kids of today
are sticking knives in each other,

high as a kite on drugs when their
parents are using language like that.

If we kiss your arse, it won't be
just the kids high as a kite.

Can we have a bit less talk of arses

when I'm trying to eat
me sausage, please?

Anyway, Mel's got that Spanish lad
working for him. What's his name?


Enough said.
Let Paco earn his three euros an hour.

I am going swimming
with my beautiful wife.

Oh, aye. What are you after?

You know what he's after.
He's always been the same.

Oh, dear, do I detect
a tinge of jealousy? Hmm?

After a full year of marriage,

have you and Mel not yet
done the deed of darkness?

The deed of what?
What's he talking about?

- The beast with two backs.
- Oh, shut up!

"Beast with two backs"?
What's that when it's at home?

Has he stormed the trenches? Eh?
Hidden the hot dog?


Have you both turned the lights out
and done the hokey-cokey?

Oh right, I see what you mean.

No, not yet.
I don't think he's interested.

I must admit, your father
was very talented in that department.

I remember when he first took me
up the pleasure beach

and showed me his American Smooth.

Oh, she thinks you're
talking about dancing.

Oh. What are you talking about?

Right. I'm going up the road
to see how they're getting on.

How Mel's getting on.

You've not finished your breakfast.

- It's black pudding.
- Pass it over.

See you later.
Keep an eye on Coolio, will you?

- Yeah.
- Back here by 11:00.

What's she going over there for?

I think she's after
a different type of black pudding.

You know I'm holding you responsible
for all this, don't you?

Señor Harvey, I tell you
the lights are too much.

It had nothing to do with the lights.
It was the bloody wiring!

It was like Spaghetti Junction in there.

No wonder we went up in flames.

Señor Harvey,
I need to talk to you about money.

Oh, don't worry about me,
everything was insured.

When you've been in business
as long as I have,

you always keep one step ahead.

No. I mean money for me.

Two weeks I have now been working
for you, and nothing.

Money for you?

You burn my business to the ground
and you ask me for money?

I told you when you started,
you're on a month's trial.

Going by this lot, you're lucky
not to have been arrested for arson.


Well, hello, darling. You all right?


- Hola.
- Hola.

Are you coming on this trip
to the waterfalls?

Well, there's not much more
we can do here.

May as well make the most of the sun.

I don't suppose Paco could come,
could he?

Who's Paco?

Oh, him? That his name?

Oh, not really, darling.
He's got work here to do.

Oh. Okay.

Oh, right! I see what you mean.

Oi, Face-Ache.

Get that shop locked up and be over
at the Solana in 10 minutes.

You're coming on a trip.

- Señor Harvey, I have to...
- Pronto!

(WHISPERING) Thanks, Mel.


Oh, morning.
Think we've missed breakfast.

(SCOFFS) I don't think
I could keep nothing down.

Me guts are doing somersaults.


- You all right?
- Mmm.

Not the most comfortable bed
in the world.

You could always sleep with me
in the double bed.

I do trust you, Martin.

- Well, I wouldn't want to...
- Mind you, I wouldn't recommend it.

I don't know if it's the food,
but I've had shocking wind

ever since I got here!

I suppose we could share the bed.
I mean, we're both responsible adults...


Sorry, Martin, what did you say?

Nothing. It's all right.

Just because he's not found
the right girl doesn't mean he's gay.

That's what they said about Liberace.

Excuse me, I need to clear these tables.

- Yes, we've nearly finished.
- Oh, go away!

But he's never had a proper girlfriend.
Not one.

He might be just a late starter.

Now that's true,
or he might be just a big fat homo.

I mean, everybody thought
that barman was normal

but I heard he was once caught rolling
around behind that bar with a fella.

- So, you never can tell.
- I think it's time to find a sunbed.

- Oh, dear, I didn't mean to say normal.
- He's all right.

The other bloke
they caught the barman with...

It was me.

See you later.

You dirty beggar!

They're a happily married couple!

Okay, ladies and gentlemen.

Here are your tickets
for the waterfalls of Algar,

which entitles you
to full access to all areas,

your Solana's picnic and a complimentary
glass of Nispero liqueur.

What is Nispero?

It's a fruit
grown locally in this region.

- Hey! Let's get piss-pero on Nispero.
- She said one glass.

Don't know why
we had to come here anyway?

Got everything we need
back at the apartments.

Food, drink, pool for the kiddies.

Oh, come on, mam.
It's nice to see different places.

I never wanted to come.

There's too many steps, it's too steep
and there's too many people.

And my shoes are hurting me.

Oh, you're determined to have good time,
aren't you?

Here you are,
get some of this down your neck.

Oh, Jesus. It's good stuff, that.

Hmm. Very acceptable, that.

Do nicely as a nightcap or a digestive.

No, you wouldn't want
a digestive with that.

Be too dry. Maybe a Chocolate Hobnob.

A digestive is an alcoholic drink taken
after dinner to compliment the meal

and aid digestion.

Although, I wouldn't expect you
to know that.

All right, Fanny Craddock, calm down.

He doesn't need to calm down.
He was actually telling you something.

If you tried listening to people instead
of making snide remarks all the time,

you might actually learn something.

Excuse me, could we get through?

We've not actually
had our free drink yet.

Learn something? From him?

You've got no manners
'cause you've had no education.

MARTIN: Can we get by?
We're not having a free drink.

Hang on a minute.
It's just getting good, this.

No education? And who do you think
you are? Brain of Britain?

You're as thick as two short planks.

Mind you, his mother was just the same.
The apple never falls far from the tree.

Can we just go in, please?
We're holding people up.

Whoa! Whoa! Hang on a minute.
What's that supposed to mean?

- Just forget it. Come on.
- I wasn't talking to you.

- I beg your pardon.
- You know what it means.

I begged my Janice not to marry you.

You're all the same, you Garveys.

And where's all this suddenly come from?

There's nothing sudden about it.

Can we just get
to the free drinks, please?

Oh, calm down, fatty.
They're not gonna evaporate.


What did you just call my husband?

There you go. Typical
That's what the Garveys always were.

Rude, vile pigs!

- Come on, mam. Let's go.
- Hang on a minute.

- Who's side are you on?
- Not yours.


Hey, son!

- Do you wanna try some of this?
- No, thanks.

So, where did you say
you were from again?

- Benidorm.
-(CHUCKLES) Oh, yeah. You said.

Do you honestly think
she reckons her son's gay?

Can't see it myself.

He's oafish, boring,
completely without style,

totally lacking in manners.

And not withstanding that, he simply
doesn't have the intelligence to be gay.

So you reckon you need
all them things to be gay?

- Absolutely.
- Oh, right.

I just thought you needed
to like a bit of cock.


The despair!

Ooh. Is that nice?

You are a good boy.

Thank you. Oh.

- Could I have a quick word with you?
-I have work to do.

Hang on a minute.
Look, I'm sorry about that earlier.

My sister has recently stopped smoking
and I'm constantly on edge.

We're identical twins, you see,

and we often feel
whatever the other one is experiencing.

She once had a tetanus at the doctor's

and although it were
only a tiny prick in her bottom,

I flew off me seat on the bus

and head-butted
the woman in front of me.

- I have to get back to work.
- Would you mind

if I came over a bit later on
and had a word with you?

Depends what your sister is doing today.

Lovely. I'll come over
as soon as I've got him settled.

I cannot wait.

Oh! Cheers.

Café con leche?


Café con leche?

No, I didn't order anything.

Uno café con leche.

All right, I'll have it.
Just leave it there.

- What do you want now?
- Two euros, please.

For God's sake.


Eh! Good luck!

So you're absolutely certain
you're okay?

I did give you quite a belt.

It's okay. I see you have
problems in your mind.

I beg your pardon?

Not like crazy person,
like you have trouble.

I have the gift.
My mother had the gift and so do I.

What gift is that?

I can see everything.
I can see inside people.

Like them X-ray specs
we used to get when we were kids?

No. I can see inside your soul.

- I can see you have many questions.
- Yes, I have.

Questions about your future.

- Not my future, me son's.
- Wait.

- The questions are not about you.
- No, they're not.

- They are about someone else.
- Yes, they are.

They are about someone
who is close to you.

Yes, he is.

- They are not about your mother.
- No.

- They are not about your brother.
- I haven't got one.

Your questions are about...

your son!


How did you know that?

It is a gift. So, what are
your questions about your son?

Well, he's never had a girlfriend

and I've never stuck my nose
into his private life.

But, well, today,

he did actually say

he's not interested in girls.

Yes. This is because your son
is a mufalata.

What's a mufalata?

He's a homo, bender, knob jockey,
pillow biter, bum boy,

fudge packer, friend of Dorothy, fairy,
faggot, gaylord, homosexual.

Your son is a homosexual gay.

Oh, well, I suppose you'd know.


-I mean,

with you being a psychic and everything.

Oh. Okay.


Another eggnog?

Yes, I think I'd better.

Oh, son, why didn't you tell me?

Get in!

Lesley, you're about to
run out of credit, love.

Do you want me to put
another hour on for you?

No thanks, pet.
That's me done for today.

- Maybe see you later in the week.
- All right, darling. Take care.

Aye. I'll see you.

Very impressive.

Yes, just makes you want to dive in.

Well, they do say
if you stand under a waterfall

it's the most invigorating
natural massage you can get.

- Sounds good to me.
- Such a shame I didn't bring my bathers.

Or, if you don't fancy that,

I once took a course on erotic massage.

I could oil you up
and give you a rub-down. No bother.

- She's very good with her hands.
- Well, I did bring me cossie.

(CHUCKLING) So, if I don't see you
in there, I'll know where you are.


So, forgive me for prying,
but are you two an item?

No, not really. Well, kind of. I mean...
We're sort of very good friends.

Right. You have an arrangement.

No, no, no. We met in
a self-help therapy group.

Uh-huh. And Katie's fine
with this therapy group?

- Katie?
- Your wife.

Oh, Kate! No, um...

- Kate and I have separated.
- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Still, you've got your therapy group
to keep you occupied, haven't you?

Look, we'll get straight to the point.

I think we're all singing
from the same hymn sheet.

Jacqueline 's had a lot of fantasies
about you since we first met.

- Has she?
- Oh, yes.


And I can be very passive
with the right, sensitive kind of man.

Oh my God!

What say we have a few drinks
at Neptune's tonight,

loosen up and all go back
to our apartment for a bit of therapy?

- Martin! What are you doing?
- I'm coming!


Something tells me we won't be
hearing him say that again tonight.

- Oh well!

- Picnic?
- Oh, yes.

Is this it?
Sandwich and a bag of crisps?

What'd you expect in a packed lunch,
a Christmas dinner?

Well, it's not very exciting, is it?

If you want excitement,
go look at the waterfall again.

Never satisfied,
that's always been your trouble.

- You what?
- Yeah, give it a rest.

You taking the piss?

She's never stopped whinging
since we got off the plane.

Can we just have our dinner in peace?

- She started it.
- MICK: Oh, grow up.

Your 11-year-old boy there
making less fuss than you.

"Less fuss"? What fuss am I making?
I just said they were rubbish dinners.

Well, this is a barrel of laughs,
isn't it?

Mam, do you want my penguin?
I'm not eating sweet stuff.

Aye, pass it over.

- Lovely spot!
- Yeah.

So, what's gonna happen
with the shop then, Mel?

Oh, you had to bring that up,
didn't you?

- What?
- We're trying to have a nice day out,

forget all our problems,
and you go and mention the shop.

- What did you say that for?
- I was making polite conversation!

"Polite conversation"? I stand and watch
my livelihood burn to ashes

and you want to make
polite conversation about it?

Your livelihood? You've got to
be kidding. You're shitting money.

Not that we ever get to see any of it.

Oh, here we go.
At last the truth comes out.

He's no father-in-law to you,
he's just some meal ticket.

"A meal ticket"? You can't get
a fucking drink out of him!

Right. That's enough!
Mick, go for a walk!

"Go for a walk"?
What's that supposed to mean?

You're just upsetting everybody.
Go for a walk!

Where am I supposed to walk to?
We're in the middle of bloody nowhere.


Just go!

- Mam, can I go for a swim?
- Of course you can. Be careful.

- Do you want me to go in with you, son?
- No, you're all right.

Oh! It's a bit cold.

- Are your mates not coming in?
- No, no, I don't think so.

Oh, they seemed dead nice.

Yeah, well,
they're certainly very enthusiastic.

So you found some trunks then?

Oh, no, these are my pants.

I'm afraid I'll have to go commando
on the journey back.

Where's that?

No, go commando.
It means to not wear any underwear.

Oh, right.

- Why don't you go commando now?
- What, here?

No, no, I don't think
that's appropriate.

Come on.
Promise I won't look under the water.

It'll really turn me on.

No, I think what with the kiddies
in the pool and...

- I beg your pardon.
- Come on, Martin.

We came here as friends, but there's
no denying there's a spark between us.

There is? I mean... I mean, there is.
I mean, I thought there might be.

- Martin.
- Yes?

Get down in the water
and slowly pull down your pants.

People are looking.

No, they're not.

Right. Now give them to me.

And swim under the waterfall.

I'll put these out to dry and
I'll meet you back there in two minutes.

Brandy, I, I.

Two minutes.



- You not hungry?
- No.

- You having a nice time?
- Yes.

I love to listen
to English people argue.

So, what's Paco short for?

- I'm not short. I'm taller than you.
- No. I mean, is Paco your full name?

- Why do you ask these things?
- Trying to get to know you. I like you.

My name is Paco Benitez.
I am 22 years old.

I live in Albir with my boyfriend
and our dog, Pipo.

I like French cinema
and my favourite colour is blue.

You live in Albir with your boyfriend?

Oh, my God. I've made
such a fool of myself, haven't I?


I've been trying
my hardest with you all day

and I've been getting
absolutely nothing back.

- But now it all makes sense.
- Okay.


I can be such an idiot sometimes.




Excuse me.

That lady I was talking to earlier,
did you see where she went?

- Yeah, she got out.
- Right.

- Did she say where she was going?
- No, but she took your clothes.

Oh, God!


Brandy, where are you?

This isn't funny!


- What's your name?
- Michael.

Michael, I need your help.

Did you not fancy a dip, Mel?

Not after I've had something to eat.
Very dangerous.

You've only had a bag of crisps.


Look what I got.
A bottle of that liqueur

and some marmalade
made out of the same stuff.

What've you bought that for?

- Thought you might like it.
- There he goes wasting money again.

You keep your nose out.

Don't you speak to me mother like that.

Oh, for Christ's sake.
Don't start again.

What have you got marmalade for?
You know I'm not eating sweet stuff.

You're not gonna get any fatter
from a bit of marmalade.

What do you mean, "fatter"?

- I don't mean "fatter." I mean...
- What?

Fatter than I already am?

(SCOFFS) You're not fat!

Everybody puts a bit of weight on
on holiday.

(GASPS) You what?

- What have I said now?
- What have you said?

You're nothing but an animal.

Why I ever let
an insensitive pig like you

marry my daughter, I'll never know.

- I never asked to marry her.
- I beg your pardon.

No. I don't mean I didn't want
to marry you. I mean...

Come here, mam. Don't upset yourself.

What are you getting upset for?

First you call your wife fatty,

then you say
you wish you'd never married her

and you're asking why she's upset?

Who said "fatty"?
You're twisting me words.

Janice, love, come here.

- Come here, mam.
- I'm all right.

- Janice...
- Just go away!

What are you...


Oh, my God. You're not crying?

No, I'm not crying.
I just want you to go away.



Oh, for Christ's sake.


- It's okay.
-(SNIFFS) I'm all right, I'm all right.

I don't know why I let him get to me.

- Eh, where's our Michael?
- Oh, he'll be all right.

How do you know he's all right?
Telle, have you seen him?

- No.
- He went for a swim.

Leave the lad alone,
he's not a baby any more.

What's the worst
that could happen to him?

Uh, excuse me.

Sorry, I just had to...

borrow your son for a bit.


Don't suppose anyone's got
any spare clothes, have they?



Hiya, love. I just wondered
if you'd seen me husband anywhere.

Your husband? No.

Oh. Okay. Thank you.

- Today you went to the waterfalls?
- Yeah.

- Did you enjoy?
- Yeah, it was a nice day out.

I just seem to have lost me husband
somewhere along the way.

Hmm. I can see much sadness
in your eyes.

You what?

- I have a gift.
- Have you now?

Well, that's very kind of you
but I don't think I want it.

No, I have a gift.
I can see deep into your soul.

- Really?
- Oh, yes.

I can see you are not happy.

Bloody hell, you're good, aren't you?
How did you work that one out?

Is it the lack of cartwheels
I'm doing across the floor,

or was it just a lucky guess?

It's a crime to see
such a beautiful woman alone.

I you need some company this evening
I am here for you.

Yeah. Very flattering, I'm sure
but I know all about you.

You're the type that sits in the cinema

with a box of popcorn on your lap
with a hole cut out in the bottom.



I'm sorry, love,
I'm not very good with languages.

I know how to say
"shut the window" in French.

If your husband is lost, he's unlucky.

If he chooses to stay away
from such a beautiful woman,

then he is a fool

You are amazing.

I would love to find out
if what the English are saying is true.

What are they saying?

That you can play many a good tune
on the old piano.

"Old piano"?

Perhaps I get the saying wrong?

- I think I need to get back to work.

Yeah, I think you do.

- Is everything all right?
- Fine.

As long as you don't mind
one of your bar staff

being neutered in front of
a bar full of holiday makers.

Oh, that one.
You'd have to join the queue.

Are you finished in the bathroom, son?


- I want to talk to you.
- Yeah.

You've hardly said a word
since you got back this afternoon.

Just been fiddling with that phone
of yours, beeping every five minutes.

Hang on.


I want you to know
I know how difficult it's been for you.

And I want you to know
I'm so proud of you.

I just want you to be happy.

And if that means you being with a man

and getting one of them
civilised partnerships,

well, then I'll stick by you.

I just need to know one thing
before I put me foot in it tonight.


Are you ready to come out, son?

I say, son, are you ready to come out?

Yes, I'm ready.

For God's sake, woman.

- You all right?
- I'm so proud of you!

It's gonna be a wonderful night.

We shouldn't have come out.

Don't be stupid.
This is the first place he'll come.

Where's he been?
What if he's still at the waterfalls?

He'll come back, tail between his legs,
stinking of booze.

Men are all the same.

I can't just sit here.
It was me that told him to go away.

Mam, chill out. He'll turn up.

Any sign of him, Mel?


I've asked everywhere
and nobody's seen him.

- Oh, God!
- Well, it's not all bad news.

- No?

Apparently there's a singer on tonight.


- Oh, come on, Martin. It was a joke.
- Really?

Well, ha-bloody-ha.

(CHUCKLES) Should've seen your face,

creeping around naked with nothing but
a terrified child to cover your modesty.

You're lucky the villagers
haven't been outside the apartment

with burning torches.

Really? well, when they do turn up,

I'll point them
to the person responsible,

the bride of Frankenstein.
That means you.

Bride of Frankenstein?

Burning torches, villagers,

it's a cinematic reference.

I don't get it.

Of course you don't get it,
you're stupid.

- There's no need to be like that.
- Really?

A bit like there's no need
to completely humiliate me

- in front of all those people?
- Stop moaning and get a sense of humour.

I will stop moaning if you stop
being an annoying, uneducated,

malicious, loud-mouthed,

vulgar, short, irritating,

unattractive, scouse twat!



Do you know, Martin,

you were on a promise tonight
but I am warning you.

If I leave this table,
I will not be short of male attention.

No, you'll just be short.


You still here?


Good evening ladies and germs.

ALL: (MUMBLING) Good evening.

I said, "Good evening ladies and germs."

ALL: Good evening.

That's better.

Well, some of you may already know
we have a fabulous singer

here at Neptune's tonight,

Benidorm's favourite,
Shaun Foster Conley.

But before that,
we have an old friend of Neptune's

who'd like to say a few words.
Let's give it up for Noreen!


What's going on?

Thank you, love.

Ladies and gentlemen,

there have been many times in my life

when I've been proud of my only son,

Geoff Maltby.

She's me PA.

His many achievements in life
have been impressive and varied,

from Lancashire Indoor
Hang Gliding Champion

to the only double winner

of the Ormskirk Meat Plate
Pie-Eating Competition,

without the need of hospitalisation.


But these brave accomplishments

pale into insignificance when I tell you

that tonight's the night

he's finally decided to stand tall

and announce that he is

a wonderful, happy, proud,

gay man.

You what?

Well done, son.

And this one is for you.


# Young man,
there's no need to feel down

# I said, young man,
pick yourself off the ground

# I said, young man,
'cause you're in a new town

# There's no need to be unhappy

# Young man,
there's a place you can go

# I said, young man,
when you're short on your dough

# You can stay there
and I'm sure you will find

# Many ways to have a good time

# It's fun to stay at the YMCA

# It's fun to stay at the YMCA

# They have everything
for you men to enjoy

# You can hang out with all the boys #

- No!
- Hey, hey, hey. Sit down, gay boy.

Listen to your mama.


# You can get yourself cleaned

# You can have a good... #

# ...whatever... #



# I said, young man

# I said, young man

# You can make real your dreams

# But you got to know this one thing

# No man does it all by himself

# I said, young man

# Put your pride on the shelf

-# Go there
-# Go there

# To the YMCA

# And I'm sure they can help you today #


- Watch where you're going!
- Sorry!

Excuse me, have you seen a short man
with an orange face?

- You what?
- The man with the shop.

- It burned down. He owes me money.
- I think he's in there.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

You look sad.

I'm all right.

Did you have a disagree
with your boyfriend?

Yeah, but he's not my boyfriend.

He's just a friend?

(SCOFFS) He's probably
not even that right now.

- Do you think I'm unattractive?
- No.

Absolutely no.

Then kiss me, you idiot.

# They have everything
for you men to enjoy

# You can hang out with all the boys #



Noreen's tribute
to her big, gay son, Geoff.

Congratulations, Geoff. We'll see you
in the old town at some point.

But moving right on,
ladies and gentlemen,

tonight's entertainment,

Mr Shaun Foster Conley!


Ladies and gentlemen,
I've been asked by Mick Garvey

to sing this first song
for his beautiful wife, Janice.

The message is, "Listen to the words,
Jan, I love you so much."


# Here in my heart

# I'm alone and so lonely

# Here in my heart

# I just yearn for you only

# Here in my arms

# I long to hold you #

- Have you got anywhere we can go?
- My girlfriend, she is at home.

Come on. The beach.

# Here is my heart

# My life and my all, dear

# Please be mine

# And stay here in my heart #

He's playing with your emotions.
You won't see him again tonight.

Is dad not coming back, mam?

# Say that you care

# Take this heart I give... #

- Dad!
- JANICE: Mick!


Where have you been?

I thought you'd had enough of me
for one day

so I made meself a bit scarce.

- We've been worried about you.
- I didn't mean to do that. I just...

# Here is my heart #

I don't want you ever to get
sick of the sight of me.

Oh, don't be daft.

I love you, Janice.

- I love you so much.
- Oh.

# Please be mine

# And stay here in my heart #