Benidorm (2007–…): Season 3, Episode 1 - Episode #3.1 - full transcript

(GROANING)

You all right, Madge?

Do I look all right?

Can I have a question on sport instead?

(CONTINUES GROANING)

Mam, can I have a drink?

We haven't got any, darling.
We'll be setting off soon.

(EXCLAIMS)

It's too hot in here.

Why don't they get
the air conditioning going.

'Cause they have to have
the engines running for that.



Why don't they start the engine, then?

Have you any idea what toxic carbon
emissions are doing to this world?

Don't talk to me about toxic emissions.

I was sat next to that child of yours
on the plane, I was nearly sick.

- What do you mean by that?
- What do you think I mean?

It's bad enough with your father
sat there

farting like a lodging house cat

without Julio dropping one
every 20 minutes.

The air was so thick I could hardly see
me hand in front of me face.

His name's Coolio.

After this lot, that must be it.
We've been here ages.

Oh! Fancy bumping into you here.

- Hiya!
- You all right?

We all ready
for our fabulous free holiday?



Oh, Christ! That's all we need,
the bloody Village People.

Go on! Keep moving down!

You can hardly breathe in here as it is.

See you later, love.

Schnell, schnell,

Mein Führer has spoken.

(LAUGHING)

Bloody hell! Look who it is,
I didn't think they'd be back.

Free holiday, ain't it? Can't say no
to that however posh you are.

Oh, hello, all back again.

Hopefully not such an eventful holiday
this year.

(LAUGHING) Hiya.

You weren't on our flight
from Manchester, were you?

Um, no, Gatwick. But we had
a few problems with our luggage.

That miserable wife of yours not still
giving you the runaround is she?

- Uh, not exactly.
- The last thing I need

is to be looking at her sour gob
round the pool

while I'm trying to enjoy
me holiday!

I know... And I'm saying them bags
are Gucci and if they go missing again,

I'll kick your bollocks so hard
you'll be able to taste them.

(SIGHS)

Jesus! I'm sweating like a rapist.
Is there no windows in this shitheap?

Do you mind with the language?
There are kiddies present.

Chill out, grandma,
it's supposed to be an holiday.

BRANDY: Come on, Martin,
the back seat's free.

And before you ask,
that's not an invitation for a quickie

before we get there.

(JANICE GASPS)

(MICK LAUGHS)

She's joking.

(JANICE SIGHS)

She's got a point about the windows.

Hey! What are you doing?

I'm not doing owt.

You cannot reserve sunbeds with towels
in the morning.

What are you talking about?

You have been here before.
You know the rules.

Oh, come on! Don't be tight.

You know how old me mam is?
She needs a sunbed.

I don't care if she's 100 years old.
These are the rules,

and if you don't like them,
you can stay somewhere else.

Don't make me angry.

You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

- I don't like you now.
- No.

What I mean is, you really wouldn't
like me when I'm angry.

- I really don't like you now.
- No, you don't understand.

For the last year I've been training
under a ninja master.

My mind and body have been finely tuned.

Finally chewed by what?

No, not finally chewed.

Finely tuned.

I think it's only fair to warn you.

A bloke picked an argument with me
at the airport

and I nearly killed him.

What did you do? Breathe on him?

Morning, Geoff!

Everything okay?

It's this one. El Jobsworth.

And what seems to be the problem?

You cannot reserve a sunbed
with your towel.

It's against the rules.

Yes, he's quite right.
We've been coming here for 20 years

and the rules categorically state,
"You cannot reserve a sunbed

"with your towel".

- Thank you.
- Would you like to borrow

our towels, Geoff?

You're all right, I've got a towel I...

All right, yeah. Cheers!

Here you go.

- You can borrow ours.
- JACQUELINE: Thank you.

What are you doing?

We are reserving our sunbeds
with somebody else's towels.

It's called a technicality.

Us Brits have been winning by them
for centuries.

Breakfast, Geoff?

Absolutely.

That's unbelievable, is that.

What's unbelievable about it?
He's traded her in for a younger model.

You want to keep your eye on that one.

Won't be long before he starts
looking for something similar.

You're not exactly a spring chicken.

Oh, charmed I'm sure.

My beautiful wife may no longer be
a spring chicken,

but at least she's got a while before
she's like you, an oven-ready turkey.

(LAUGHING)

(CHANTING) Nana's a turkey.

(MIMICS TURKEY)

Sit down, Michael,

or I'll tell the bogeyman to come
and get you while you're sleeping

in your bed tonight.

JANICE: Bloody hell!

What was that song
them kids used to sing?

There's No One Quite Like Grandma.

Hey, talking of the bogeyman,
when was the last time you spoke to Mel?

I spoke to him before we got
on the plane.

Oh, I didn't actually speak to him,
I sent him a text.

A text? Who dragged you kicking
and screaming into the 21st century?

I thought you just sent smoke signals.

Bloody hell! I think you were
exaggerating when you said 21st century.

There's nothing on the screen.

Does that mean he hasn't replied?

- Give us it here.
- Don't you break that.

It's worth a lot of money.

- To who? The Antiques Roadshow?
- Hmm.

- Batteries dead.
- She's broken it. I knew she would.

She's always been a lumpy,
ham-fisted child, that one.

- Frig off!
- Oi, that's enough.

Give it here!

Mam,

how does the bogeyman know
where we've gone on holiday?

He doesn't, darling. Come sit with me.

I don't wanna sit with you.
I wanna go home.

What are you doing, you flaming idiot?
It's in bits now.

Checking the battery.

You can't bear to see anyone with
something you haven't got, can you?

What would I want this for?
A frigging doorstop?

Telle, lend your nana your phone
so she can phone Mel.

- Piss off!
- MADGE: Piss off?

Did you hear her,
then, tell me to piss off...

- I wanna go home.
- Don't talk

- to your mother like that...
- You're not that big

-that I can't put you across my lap...
- What's your tariff?

For God's sake!

MICK: I need to know the tariff
so I can see if it's working properly.

MADGE: It's not working properly,
you broke it.

(ALL ARGUING)

It's like one of those
sophisticated weekend breaks

on the Orient Express, isn't it?

I've got a lot of family
who've been to Benidorm.

I've heard some of the people can be
as rough as a dog's arse.

(SNORTS)

You don't say.

I'm Troy, this is Gavin.

I'm Brandy, this is Martin.

Yeah, we met Martin before, but you
weren't together then, were you?

No, no, we're just friends.

Right, friends.

You're both gay, aren't you?

Uh... Yes.

And you must be from the Merseyside
chapter of the Sherlock Holmes Society.

I love gay people, you know.

Even though their lives are often filled
with tragedy and personal loss.

You know, all your friends dying
from the AIDS and that.

Enduring a lifetime of being persecuted
and victimised just for being different.

But despite all that, they're always
happy and laughing, aren't they?

Well, we were.

Don't be on it long,
I ain't got much credit.

Is it ringing, mam?

I can't work it out.

Well, is there somebody there?

Yeah, but she's just talking rubbish.

Can you hear me all right?

I want to speak to Mel!

(SIGHS) WILL you stop talking
while I'm talking!

- Who was it?
- I don't know,

but she's an ignorant git,
just kept talking over me.

You rang my voicemail, you dickhead!

- How long's that been on?
- Hey, language, lady.

Brilliant! Now I'm out of credit.

Here we are! Benidorm here we come!

(ALL CHEERING)

(ALL SIGHING)

You've got to be joking!
What's the hold-up?

- Right, I'm getting off.
- Where are you going?

- I'm gonna talk to someone.
- Who are you gonna talk to?

I don't know. Somebody to get
this bloody coach moving.

Oh, sit down!

They'll set off
when they're ready to go.

The English don't complain enough.

If we were in America,
this coach would be up in arms.

If we were in America,
there'd be nothing to complain about

'cause we'd be going somewhere decent.

Are you excited, Michael?
I bet you can't wait

- to get in that pool
- No.

Ungrateful little swine
and we know where he gets that from.

He's not ungrateful.

Thanks to you, he thinks he's booked
on a seven-day holiday

with Freddy Krueger.

I don't wanna go to Benidorm,
I wanna go home.

- Oh, well done.
- Has no one else got a phone?

- I said I'd ring him every day.
- You'll be seeing him soon.

It's not far, once we get going.

He's been here all week on his own.
He doesn't mix well with other people.

Just 'cause he's
a successful businessman

doesn't mean to say he's outgoing.

He's one of the most painfully shy,
introverted people I've ever known.

He'd rather die
than draw attention to himself.

MICK: Oh, my God!

Oi! Where do you think you're going?

Bocadillo.

"Boca" what?

Bocadillo is sandwich. Time for break.

I said you could go for your break
when you finish doing the lights.

Sí.

Lights are finished.

What are you talking about, finished?
There are more boxes of light back there

than Blackpool illuminations.

- No, it's too much.
- Too much?

The lights here are good, yes?
It look nice.

Too much lights,
it's making this chillón.

You say... tacky.

Tacky?

Sí.

Tacky is vulgar,

crude, without taste.

- I know what tacky means.
- Okay.

Oi, Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen,
get back here.

Señor Harvey.

There's 20 boxes of these in the back.

If there's a single light not used in
and around this shop when I get back

the only thing that will be
without taste will be you,

'cause you'd be eating your bocadillo
through a straw.

ALL: Cheers!

Bottoms up! No offence.

Oh, it's nice, is that.

It's called a Pink Pussy.

And that's why we're here.

DONALD: Mmm.

I've never had a Pink Pussy before,
they're quite moreish.

I'm surprised I managed
to keep mine down.

You know, I look up at the top of that
building and I still feel a bit queasy.

I know what you mean.

Jacqueline and I both get dizzy
in high heels,

so you can imagine how I felt up there.

Do you know,
I just have to close my eyes

and I'm back up there
on the top of that roof,

terrified of saying the wrong word

and being either shot
or chucked over the edge

by that long-haired lunatic.

Yes, I must admit I've had more
than a few sleepless nights since...

Hang on a minute! You weren't up there.

- Wasn't I?
- GAVIN: No!

No, you definitely weren't up there
with us.

All that business
on the top of the roof

with the helicopter and all that?

No, you were down here
looking after the kids.

- We haven't got any kids.
- Not our kids.

Do you not remember,
you watched it from down here?

Was I at that wedding on the beach

where what's-his-face turned up
on a parachute?

- Yes.
- Yeah, I thought I was!

Oh, you two must think I'm going mad.

- Not mad...

More clinically insane.

(ALL LAUGHING)

- Hola!
- Oh, hi, mate, you all right?

Yeah, not too bad, thanks.

Could I have a...

Right, yeah, that'll be fine thanks.

- Just checked in.
- Mmm.

Absolutely. A few beers
to settle the old jet lag.

Jet lag? Where have you come from?

Croydon. It was just a joke.

Oh right.

Missus not down yet? Forgotten her name.

No, no, erm...

(STUTTERING) We've kind of, well...
We've separated. I'm here with a friend.

Oh, right.

I'd normally offer my sympathy but...

I reckon you're
well-shut of the sour-faced old cow.

Well, we're still in touch. Kind of...

Here you are Martin.
Look after that will you.

(SIGHS) I think I've got the squits.

- Are the bog's over there, yeah?
- Uh, yes.

Bloody hell! You've done all right
for yourself there, mate.

Where did you find that one?

No, no, no, she's not, um...
We're not, uh...

(STUTTERING) Well, uh, yeah,
I suppose I could have done worse.

This girl, she's with you?

Oh, yeah!

Come on, mam!
Get settled. That one's yours.

Don't want a sunbed. I want a scooter.
Why can't I go to Mel's shop now?

Just lie down, mam.
Relax, you're on holiday.

Yeah, chill out, for God's sake.

I don't know
what you're sitting down for.

Mel'll have plenty for you
to be getting on with in the new shop.

I'm on me holidays.

You are an employee of Mel Harvey
Leisure Industries Limited.

Not that he's ever had a word of thanks
for giving you the job.

- My dad didn't want a job from Mel.
- Exactly.

Never asked that man for a penny.

He didn't want a job full stop. He were
right annoyed when Mel took him on.

Me dad said we'll get all of Mel's money
when he dies,

- but I don't want him to die.
- Don't tell fibs, Michael.

'When have I ever said that?

- Every time you see Mel.
- Get in that pool.

You're supposed to be on holiday.

Madge!

Mel!

Here we are. Love's young dream.

Them dreams have a special name.
They're called nightmares.

Oh, my God, I'm gonna puke.

- Oh, Mel.
- Mel!

Hey, Cheeky Charlie,
I've got something for you.

Oh, thanks, Mel.

Thought you were gonna call me
when you landed.

The battery on me phone was dead.

Oh, I'll charge you up. No danger.

(MADGE GIGGLING)

Do you mind. You're upsetting me son!

Talking of charging, did you not see
your scooter as you came in?

- I left it plugged in at reception.
- No.

Well, come on, let's get it.

-(GASPS) Mel, can I come?
- MEL: Of course you can. Come on.

Yeah, our flight were fine, thanks.

Yeah, it's nice to see you and all.
Ignorant get!

And if he thinks I'm gonna be
running round after him and his shop

while I'm on my holidays,
he can piss off!

- Well, you do work for him now.
- Not while I'm on my holidays, I don't.

Now, if you don't mind,
it's been a long morning,

I've had a very nice bottle of beer,

and now I'm gonna get me head down
for half an hour in the sun.

(SIGHS)

You're supposed to be opening
a shop here.

(SIGHS) What have I just said?

I think he expects you to help him
while you're here.

Yeah, well, I'm not.

- He can hardly open a shop on his own.
- Oh, for fuck's sake.

(HORN BLOWING)

MICK: Jesus!

It's Chitty-Chitty Bang Bang.

MADGE: Hey, look at this.

You're not gonna be on that
for this whole holiday, are you?

Here you are.
Give out some of these leaflets.

It's the grand opening
for Mel's new shop, 6:00 tonight.

You can shove it.

All right, give them here.

Mel said for you to go meet him
in reception.

I'm off for a spin.

- Can I come, nana?
- No, you frigging can't. It's not a toy.

(LAUGHING)

(GROANS)

(SIGHS) I'm stuck on this one, as well.

What's the clue?

Three down, comedy actor.

Sang My Boomerang won't Come Back.

Oh, I know this one. Rolf Harris.

- Charlie Drake.
- It was never Charlie Drake.

She's the one that does the gardening
without her bra.

No! You're thinking of Alan Titchmarsh.

It could be Tommy Walsh.

It's got nothing to do with gardening.

My Boomerang won't Come Back
was sung by Charlie Drake.

- Twelve letters...
- Why don't you leave it blank

and try one that goes across it.

- It's Charlie Drake!
- Five across...

Oh, we won't get this one.

Record producer,

originated the Wall of Sound technique.

Evel Knievel. Oh, no.
That's the Wall of Death.

Phil Silvers. Your turn.

I used to love Phil Silvers
in that programme. What was it called?

- Inspector Gadget.
- Sergeant Bilko.

Eleven letters...

- Yeah. Phil Silvers, it fits.
- It's Phil Spector.

It's all right, son, we've got it.

You've not got it. You've got it wrong.

- It's Phil Spector.
- Who played Willy Wonka

in the 1971 film,
Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory?

Gene Wilder.

No, it was a fella.

He had a top hat, I remember that.

Gene Wilder.

It's Gene, spelt with a "G."

Oh, was he The Cat in the Hat as well?

Did you ever see Fritz the Cat?
Quite saucy for a cartoon.

What's wrong with you all?

You're all just sitting here
talking rubbish.

You've not got
one of those questions right.

- It doesn't really matter.
- Of course it matters.

What if I threw a five and a four
and said,

"Well, it's more or less a double six."

-I wouldn't mind.
- Well, you should mind.

Or else...
Or else what's the point of it all?

- Well, it's only a game.
- Only a game?

Only a game?

Did John McEnroe say, "It's only
a game," when he lost to Bjorn Borg

in the 1980 tie-breaker Wimbledon final?

Did Chelsea say, "It's only a game,"
when they lost four-nil to Man United

in the '94 FA Cup?

Did Daley Thompson say,
"It's only a game,"

when he came fourth in the decathlon
in 1988

after winning gold in '80 and '84?

(CLEARS THROAT)

Who said,

"I can resist anything but temptation"?

- Uh, 10 letters...
- Oh, shut up!

Dawn French?

Tsk. Excuse me, have you got Wi-fi here?

We've got Scrabble,
behind the reception,

but I think some of the letters
are missing.

No, Wi-fi. You know, wireless internet.

You're joking.
You're lucky if the lifts work.

Oh there you are.
Been looking everywhere for you.

What sort of a dump is this?
They haven't even got Wi-fi.

You shouldn't be checking e-mails.
You're on holiday.

I wasn't checking me e-mail.

I was trying to find
somewhere to go out tonight.

All right, well there's Neptune's.
That's mostly karaoke,

but they sometimes have a singer on
or a quiz.

I'm not staying
in this old fogies' home.

People sitting in them spacker chariots,

listening to Des O'Connor, drinking
pale ale with a Gaviscon chaser.

Right, well I'm not really one
for nightclubs, to be honest.

No worries, I can go on my own.
We're not joined at the hip, are we?

Uh, no. No, we're not.

Can you lend me 20... Um, actually
better make that 30 euros.

I haven't actually got any cash with me.

You've come on holiday with no money?

Well, it is all-inclusive.

Right. I'll just spend me evening
sitting with a family of fat retards

wearing Kiss Me Quick hats
and singing Agadoo.

(SCOFFS)

I actually have got some money,
but, um...

Well, it's kind of for emergencies.

My mum used to say to me,
"Always keep tuppence in your shoe.

"You never know when you might need
to call home."

Tuppence? How old are you?

I can remember when you could go out,
buy a new suit,

have a night on t'tiles,
fish supper, taxi home

and still have change from a fiver.

I'm 32,

I'll catch up with you later.

We could have a stroll up the road.

There's a nightclub
in the shape of a spaceship.

We could look at that.

I said I'll catch up with you later.

Yeah, right.

(SIGHS)

Somebody's got the Scrabble but I found
a pack of cards and a skipping rope.

Are you taking the piss?

- Suit yourself.
- No, actually leave them out, will you?

If I can't find anyone to have a game
of snap with, I can always hang meself.

You wouldn't be the first.

(EXHALING)

owl

(SLURRING)
Didn't think it would be that hot.

JANICE: I can't believe
you've not been in that pool yet.

I'm not bothered.

Couldn't keep you out of it last year.

Does me nana like me?

Of course she does! What a thing to say.

Your nana's funny. She's...

She's never been very good
at showing people she loves them.

Yeah.
Didn't Hitler have the same problem?

Me nana said that the Bogeyman was gonna
get me when I go to sleep tonight.

But I don't believe in the Bogeyman.

Good, because he doesn't exist.

Shame we can't say the same
about me nana.

Then why did she say it?

It was just a joke.

Me nana's jokes are rubbish.

Oi, oi, saveloy!

What are you doing?
Mel's waiting for you in reception.

I've just taken something
out of one of the suitcases

that might bring a smile
to this young man's sorry-looking face.

Is it me nana's head?

What is it?

Well, you won't know unless
you take it out the bag, will you?

- It's a boat!
- I know.

- It's remote-controlled!
- I know!

Oh, my God! Can I play with it now?

No, I only brought it with us
so you could look at it.

- Give us it back.
- No way!

Thanks, dad.

Oh, aren't you lovely?

Hmm. Do you think so? Hmm.

Do you mind?

Stop it! Not here! Come on.
You've got a business meeting with Mel.

Got a bit of business here
I want to sort out first.

(JANICE LAUGHING)

Oh, my God! Don't look.

(JANICE AND MICK MOANING)

You all right?

Yeah, great, thanks.

- Cool little boat.
- Thanks, me dad bought it me.

(BOAT ENGINE WHIRRING)

(HONKING)

(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)

Whoa! Can I have a go?

Be my guest.

(BOAT HONKING)

(EXCLAIMING)

Hey! What are you doing?

This is not allowed.
No boats on the swimming pool.

It's not a boat, it's an hovercraft.

Give it here.

Hey, what do you think you're doing?
Get off...

This is not allowed.

He's only 11.

- Oh, just because...
- MICK: Get off of me, you big...

Well, you've done it!
That cost 200 quid.

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

You, go find Mel.

You, come with me and you, grow up!

Oh, there you are. You took your time.

Yeah. Listen, Mel, I think there's been
a bit of a misunderstanding.

Oh, aye?

Yeah, when you came out here
to open the shop

I assumed if you'd wanted me
to be involved in it

I'd have come out here with you.

How could you do that? You've been
looking after the sunbed shops at home.

Yeah! Exactly!
So, now, I'm on me holidays!

Right.

Well, if you can afford
to have a week without pay.

Whoa! Whoa! Hang on a minute.

You said you were gonna pay me
for this week.

But I was gonna pay you
'cause you were gonna be working.

I'm on holiday with me family!

You think I've made Mel Harvey
Leisure Industries Limited

what it is today by going on holiday?

I'm not spending my holiday
renting out electric wheelchairs

to fat, bone-idle alcoholics
who are too lazy to walk to the pub.

All right?

Wasn't talking about you.

I didn't mean you.

That's...

probably glandular, isn't it?

You're not even that fat.

I've seen worse.

I mean, bigger.

I never said
I wanted you to sit in the shop.

I wanted to appoint you
Head of Publicity and Promotions.

It would only have taken
a couple of hours a day.

I'm sorry, Mel.
It's not fair on the kids if I...

- Head of what?
- Publicity and Promotions.

Out and about. Meeting the public.

The showbiz,
glamorous side of the operation.

I wouldn't expect you
to sit in a shop all day.

Head of Publicity and Promotions?

Absolutely.

- Couple of hours a day?
- Never more than three.

Well, why didn't you say?

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKER)

MEL ON SPEAKER: Visit Mel's Mobility
Shop in the heart of Benidorm.

Grand opening, 6:00 pm.

Free bottle of bubbly with every order.

Visit Mel's Mobility shop
in the heart of Benidorm.

Grand opening, 6:00 pm.

Free bottle of bubbly with every order.

(KIDS LAUGHING)

Visit Mel's Mobility shop
in the heart of Benidorm.

Grand opening, 6:00 pm.

Free bottle of bubbly with every order.

Mel, what exactly is Mick doing?

I told you.
A bit of publicity for the shop.

Right.

It's just that
he's been gone a while now.

He's lucky to have a job.

After scabbing off the social
for so long

he should be on his knees thanking Mel
for giving him back a bit of dignity.

Oh, my God!

Where were you?

You what?

You weren't at the shop.

I know,
I closed it till the grand opening.

I needed the ladder to get off the bike.

What have you been doing?

I have been driving around Benidorm
for the last three hours

on a 20 foot high bike looking
for somewhere to get off it.

- Your face is all red.
- I know it's all red!

I've been baking in the sun
covered in bloody tinfoil all afternoon.

Excuse me. We were just wondering,

is it fancy dress
in Neptune's this evening?

Only nobody's told us.

Piss off.

Why didn't you come to the front of the
building and ask someone to get me?

Yeah. I'm not stupid, I thought of that.

But I couldn't turn
the bloody music off!

Nobody could hear what I was saying.

Excuse me. Whatever it is
you're selling, you can't do it here.

I'm not selling anything, I'm on
me holiday. Well, I'm supposed to be.

JANICE: Come on, lets go in. We'll get
the kids up. They're having a siesta.

Hang on a minute. I'm not finished yet.

So, I kept driving to find some shade
so I didn't burn to death

when, to top off a perfect day,

I realised
I was about to run out of petrol.

Well, how did you get down
from this bike, then?

I had to drive into the caravan park
and jump off onto somebody's roof.

Well, there you are, then. No problem.

Hang on, I'm still not finished.

I.don't know how old this caravan was
but I went straight through the roof.

Oh, my God!

Well, the good news is nobody was home.

The bad news is,
it was locked from the outside.

It took me another bloody hour
to get out of it.

You haven't left that bike
in the caravan park, have you?

Left it there? I'll wrap it round
your bloody neck if I see it again.

(LAUGHING)

What you all laughing at?

You've got a big mark across your head.

Right. You can all frig off. That's it.
We're going home.

Come on! I've had enough. We're getting
the kids and we're going home.

(MICK AND JANICE ARGUING)

What's going on?

Apparently, he's been
riding round Benidorm

on a 20 foot high runaway bike.

Oh, right.

Yeah, well, you can keep your nose out.

I want nothing to do with you.
I want nothing to do with you.

- It's not fancy dress, then?
- No.

Your father was never lucky
on the roads, either.

In the early '80s, he bought a car
that would only turn left.

It once took him two days
to come back from Asda.

(JANICE AND MICK CONTINUE ARGUING)

Anyone with any sense
wouldn't be able to do it

on the top of that bike.
Not him though, no!

I see they found Gary Glitter.

I wonder where he's been
dressed like that.

No idea.

Let's face it,
the one thing that family was lacking

was an angry, oven-ready cowboy.

So are we going to this shop opening?
6:00?

I think I'd rather drink bleach
with a Cillit Bang chaser.

Free drinks.

If I want a free glass
of Spanish paint-stripper.,

I'll shimmy over to the pool bar
and get one myself, thank you.

Says free champagne for everyone.

Champagne?

What it says here.

Come on. Grab your pashmina.
We've got no time at all to get ready.

Oh, hello.

You all right?

Yes, I thought I'd upset you.

No, you didn't.

I just didn't realise
I was staying somewhere

that made Anne Frank's attic
look like Disneyland.

There's plenty to do. I got some
leaflets of the surrounding area.

I thought we might have a look.

Got some money from the cash machine.

Waterfalls of Callosa.

Ca-yo-sa.
It's about 20 minutes from here.

That's 20 minutes from Benidorm?
In what? A Harrier jet?

In a car.
I think it looks terribly romantic.

Oh, I didn't mean...

Now, let's get one thing straight,
Martin,

we came here as friends, nothing more.

Absolutely.
I just mean the area looks romantic.

Not that you and I would suddenly...

(GROWLING)

Mind you, in saying that,

you never know
where friendships can lead.

In the meantime, what about this place?

It's a shop opening
for mobility scooters.

I can't be certain,
but I think it'll be mainly old people.

Yeah, old people and free champagne.

You like champagne.

Well, I do but I have to be careful.

- Really?
- Oh, yeah.

- It can have a dangerous effect on me.
- In what way?

Well, it has been known to make me...
How can I put it? Sightly loose.

- You don't mean anally?
- Oh, for Christ's sake!

Oh, God, sorry. I see what you mean.
No, sorry.

It's just I used to know
this girl at university

and if she drank too much red wine,
she would...

Well, anyway, you don't need
to know about that.

Yes! Yes! Champagne. Great idea.
I'll go put some clean trousers on.

Is that what you're mate at university
used to say to you?

Sorry?

Oh, right, I see. Yes. Very good.
Very good.

Right. I'll go and get changed
and then we can go out.

And I promise,
I'll try and keep up tonight.

And I'll try not to shit meself.

Very good.

(SIGHS)

JANICE: Come on. We're gonna be late.

I'm telling you, if I could have got
a cheap flight, we'd all be home by now.

Oh, don't talk rubbish.
Come on, Michael. Pick your feet up.

- Dad?
- Yes, son.

You said it'd go away. But your head
is still two different colours.

Couldn't he have put a hat on?
He looks like a right dick.

Don't talk about your father like that.

You're trying to say
he doesn't look a dick?

Don't talk about your father like that.

Oh, thanks for all your support.

- It looks funny.
- All right, thank you. That's enough.

Me mam might have an head scarf
in her bag, if you ask her.

A head scarf?

Who do you think I am?
Pirates of the frigging Caribbean?

(MICHAEL LAUGHING)

JANICE: Hiya.

Where have you lot been?
We've been waiting for you.

We got here as soon as we could.

Another 10 minutes,
you'd miss Madge's big entrance.

Hmm. Don't like the sound of that.

You know you still got that big stripe
across your forehead, don't you?

All right.

She ready?

Of course.

Who is she again?

Vicky Leyton. People call her
Sticky Vicky. She's a Benidorm legend.

Yeah, you said that.
Is she gonna make a speech?

- She speaks no English.
- Oh, brilliant.

She does not need to speak.

She was a classically trained dancer.

She moves with a grace
and sophistication

very few are blessed with.

She can't still be dancing.

No. She now does a... magic act.

Oh, right.

Think she'd do a couple of tricks
if we asked her?

Probably best
if she just cuts the ribbon.

- Hiya.
- Hola. Welcome.

- We don't pay, we're family.
- Mick!

Well, I'm just making it clear to him.

Thank you.

- Hola.
- Hola.

(GIGGLING)

MEL: If I can have your attention,
please, ladies and gentleman, thank you.

I'm not one for big speeches but I'd
like to thank everyone for coming here

to mark this, the opening
of the very first Mel's Mobility Shop.

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

Where you don't have to be a cripple
to enjoy your holiday.

(MUMBLING)

From small, lightweight scooters...

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

(SCOOTER HONKING)

To larger,
more industrial-strength models...

(HONKING)

MAN: I'll take one.

We have something to suit
all requirements and all budgets.

We're also proud to introduce,
for the very first time in Benidorm,

our exclusive, custom range.

(HONKING)

(ALL CHEERING)

Tell a loved one how much you care
with a Mel's Mobility invalid chair.

Although, as we've already established,

you don't have to have anything wrong
with you to hire from us.

Although, in saying that, if you
no longer have the use of your legs

we won't discriminate.

Although, I'm not sure
how you'd get here in the first place.

Anyway, let's crack straight on
with the grand opening.

And to help us do that,
we have someone who, I'm told,

is a real Benidorm legend.

Please welcome Ms Vicky Leyton.

(ALL CHEERING)

(CAMERAS CLICKING)

MARTIN: I'm sure
I've seen her before somewhere.

MAN: Another one!

KATE: Oh, yeah?

Oh, my God! Vicky Leyton!

Who?

She has a kind of cabaret act
where she...

What?

She pulls flowers, scarves,
all kinds of things out from her...

From her what?

Out from her front gate.

- Front gate?
- You know, her...

Lady awning.

Lady awning.
Martin, what are you talking about?

She pulls various objects
from within her...

...flappage.

Do you mean her fanny?

Yes. Yes, that's... Yeah.

Honestly, it's like trying
to get blood out of a stone.

Thank you.

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

Lost the scissors.

ALL: Oh...

(ALL CHEERING)

(CHEERING)

Bloody hell! How much
did he say them lights cost? 300 euros?

That were money well spent.
I can nearly see a couple of them.

I suppose it will look better at night.

Rubbish!

Oh, I'd also just like to mention
that anybody who hires a scooter today

will be entitled to a five percent
discount on any future hire

within a six-week period.

- Mel?
- Obviously, this offer is subject

to certain terms and conditions.

- Mel?
- All of which can be found

on our website, which is www...

- Mel?
- What the flaming hell do you want?

I think your shop's on fire.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Mel, what are you doing?

I going to get me scooters!

(EXCLAIMING)

Somebody stop him! Mick!

He's going to get himself killed!

Oh, come on, Mel!

(ALL CLAMOURING)

Where's the bloody kids?

(EXCLAIMS)

Jacqueline's father
used to be a magician.

I'm sure you both have a lot in common.

Oh, yes.

How much time have you got
before your first show tonight?

Enough.

Ah.

(DONALD LAUGHING)

DONALD: So, that's why they call you
"Sticky Vicky".

(VICKY LAUGHING)