Being Human (2008–2013): Season 5, Episode 3 - Pie and Prejudice - full transcript

And whoever impresses me most

will be named Employee of the Month.

Imagine having a CV. I just
wanted to better myself,

broaden me horizons, and
this was going to be it.

You need to freshen up, my love.

Why don't you go take a dip in the sea?

My name is Dominic Rook.

My job is to maintain the
illusion that man is alone.

Your department will be dissolved,

its responsibilities
handed to Special Branch.

Then God help us all.



Still feeling the benefits

of that lovely little
ridge of high pressure.

And, oh, do my eyes deceive me?

Sunshine? 37 degrees?

I'll take it.

Time to dust off that
bikini and hit the beach

And Larry Chrysler will see you there.

'And we're out. '

Sorry, what the
galloping balls was that?

I'm not stupid. I know
exactly what's going on here.

You only have so many
"poor performances"

before it starts to
look a lot like sabotage.

- 'It was fine, Larry. '
- No, Trevor, that was a shambles.

The only thing that saved that sorry
sack of shit was my bikini line.



The line I said, not...

Look, I'm watching.

Don't you worry. I'm watching.

'That's the point. '

No, love, that is very much the point.

Nicholas Cage does not use that
particular model of Jacuzzi.

'Mr Cage has purchased
several hot tubs... '

Yes, he may well use
your brand of Jacuzzis,

but that's not an after-dinner
anecdote I can use.

I bought your product for one
purpose and one purpose only,

to point at and say,
"That is the exact Jacuzzi

"owned by Hollywood film
star, Nicholas Cage. "

Look, love, no offence, but is
there a man there I can talk to?

- 'Um, unfortunately... '
- Shit, hang on. Hang on.

'.. there's nobody else available. '

'Mr Chrysler?'

'Hello?'

'Mr Chrysler, are you still there?'

'Hello?'

'Are you OK?"

- 'Mr Chrysler?'
- I'll call you back.

I've been here just as long as you.

I don't know why they made
you manager and not me.

It's acting manager, and I have no idea,

Tom. I wasn't privy
to the deliberations.

There, it's because you say
"privy" and you don't mean the bogs.

It's just a title, Tom.
It doesn't change a thing.

- Will you please stop that?
It's unsanitary. - I know.

What happened to that Patsy bird
anyway? Did she just walk out?

She was always highly strung,

clearly the pressure
got too much for her.

But I'm sure she'll be back soon

and we can return to our original
roles and responsibilities.

Until then, it will be, "Tom,
can you help out on reception?"

"Tom, Mrs Smith left her key in
her room, can you let her in?"

You know that's your job anyway?

Because I won't put up with it, Hal!

For starters, it's a full moon
tonight, I'm having the night off.

I'm just going to walk out, go home.

And what are you going
to do about it, eh?

- You can't.
- Unbelievable.

No, I mean I knew that, so I
scheduled you the night off.

Did you hear that then? Did
you hear it? And so it begins.

Werewolf.

Testes one, two. Testes one, two.

Little bit bassy, but
we can live with it.

So, what are the lighting choices?
What have we got to play with?

Me?

On.

OK.

And off.

OK. Let's go with on.

The hotel door closed
behind me, didn't have a key.

Locked out in the corridors
of The Dorchester, London.

Not quite full monty. Calm down, ladies.

Still had on my dressing
gown over a pair of pants.

But it took me 25 minutes
to get another key.

Hilarious.

I'm reminded of the time
I met my wonderful wife,

winner of Miss Avon and Somerset
1992, '94. All the same person.

Don't worry, I'm not a Mormon.

Double the nagging. Who needs it?

We met at a wild party after
Children In Need. Erm...

when we met there were certainly sparks,

because I reversed my BMW six
series into her Renault Clio.

Our bumpers kissed
and then our mouths...

kissed.

That was great.

I spotted you soon as you
walked in. Did you spot me?

I can't say that I did, but
I can certainly see you now.

So where do you change?

Er, in the dressing room. Sorry,
I'm a little bit busy right now.

That's a lovely jacket.

- My name's Tom. Your name's Larry,
seen it on your sign. - Well done.

So, what do you want? Money,
a date, an autograph? What?

I'll have the last one if it's OK.

And there it is. Who
do I make it out to?

Tom McNair. M, small C. Big
N. And then air. Like, 'air. '

There you go. So, what next?

I'm guessing straight on EBay.

Because I check.

I always check.

I think it's great you're famous.

I didn't know we could be
famous. I can't get over it.

'A response from the
Secretary of State. '

'Placing Value Uppermost does
exactly what it says on the tin.

'This isn't about cuts.

'This is about identifying
those departments

'that simply aren't pulling
their weight and reallocating...

'.. departments within the civil service.

'The Placing... '

Hal's got a girlfriend.

I have not "got a girlfriend".

He's visiting a girl.

And judging from that get up, she's
got a very good sense of humour.

Lady Mary is simply an
acquaintance, nothing more.

Wow.

An acquaintance with the Lady Mary?
Ha, that's prison slang, surely?

No hanging out with fangs,
Hal. Them's the rules.

Please don't call us that.
Lady Mary is not a vampire.

She is a ghost, who
died, some years ago.

Wait a minute. You know a ghost?

Another female ghost
and you didn't tell me?

Because I knew there was no
point. You really wouldn't get on.

I think that's for me and my new
best mate Mary to decide, don't you?

Absolutely not.

Lady Mary is a shy, fragile creature,

with an innocence I am
determined to protect.

What, you think I would corrupt her?

I think you'd corrupt Keith
Richards. So, if you don't mind?

Told you. Girlfriend.

It is a pleasure to receive
you as always, Lord Harry.

Since your last visit we have gained
several invigorating new exhibits,

including an enchanting selection
of pottery from the colonies.

Wonderful. I shall look forward
to perusing them in due course.

Boo!

His face. Shat you right up.

Alex. How's it going?

Ooh, hold that thought!

I thought we decided
you were staying at home?

YOU decided I'd be staying at
home, but I decided to ignore you.

Oh, come on, Hal, stop
being all Hal about this.

I've got no-one to talk
to about ghost stuff.

And I swear, I won't swear.

Lady Mary, allow me to introduce Alex,

a new ghost of my acquaintance.

I see. And I take it you two are, um...

.. I'm not sure what the
modern parlance is...

What?

Shagging?

- God, no. No way...
- Nothing of the sort.

Friends and nothing more,

in fact, we share our
abode with a lycanthrope.

That is one crazy big dress, isn't it?

Still, I suppose it saves
you shaving your legs, right?

Have you got any guillotines or stuff?

Oh, is there a dungeon in here?

My God, this place is so cool.

Lady Mary, I offer my
sincerest apologies.

Not at all. No. She has a...

a boisterous charm that has
awoken the teacher in me.

I almost wish my finishing
school were still open.

I fear she is beyond the help
of even your prodigious talents.

- Then I accept your wager.
- My what?

The carving really is quite exquisite.

In addition, we have gained a new
ivory comb and a Moroccan footstool.

- No, seriously, what?
- Mistress Alex.

I feel we have so much
to learn from one another,

- though we have hardly conversed.
- Yes, totally.

And as it seems that
Lord Harry has other

urgent business to attend to, it
appears we shall have that chance.

What?

Yes.

I have business, urgent business...

to go and do.

But, it is my fervent hope that you
will both become better acquainted.

A sentiment I echo.

Lord Harry.

Lady Mary.

God.

Haunting a stately home.

Shit, that must be brilliant.

I mean, sorry, not "shit". Um...

"Bums?" You all right?

Yes. I am curious,
Lord Harry, has he...?

Oh yeah, yeah. He's gone.

Oh, thank fuck for that.

- What? - God, it's just such hard work
keeping it up, you know?

All that 'thee and thou' bollocks.

- It gets on my tits.
- You're not...

You're not posh?

Oh, let's get out of here.

The place bored me to frigging
tears even when I was alive.

But now I have a playmate.

Come on, let's go, have some fun.

- Mr Chrysler.
- I missed the fried breakfast,

so technically, I'm just
taking what's due to me.

I was under the impression that you
were leaving us today. However...

Don't know where you got that idea from.

My management company
specifically stated

there was one week's full
stay included in the rider.

Well, whoever's error it
is, it's very unfortunate.

Going out tonight, Mr Chrysler?

Maybe.

Be sure to vacate your
room by tomorrow morning.

Well, that's fine.

Be good to get back on the road.
Get some miles on the clock.

Hotel living can be
a little bit soulless.

You know what I mean?

Thanks again.

So you put it all on, just for Hal?

It wasn't always an act.

When he first started visiting me,

I actually was that curtseying fuckwit.

So, you and Hal, what's the deal?

I told you, we're just mates.

I mean, we kind of
had a date once, but...

it didn't go too well.

I laddered my tights on the way there,

then I had to run back
and get changed and...

then I got killed by a vampire.

Shit the bed.

So, you kind of had a thing,

you got killed and now
you and Hal live together?

Yeah.

- Mm-hm.
- Oh, fuck off!

"Had a kind of a thing. "

"Mates". What is he like?! Ooh.

Shit.

OK, so, apparently, she
is secretly shagging him,

but he's the boyfriend of her.

You can read their minds?

Isn't that a bit like
reading someone's diary?

It's brilliant, isn't it?

So it's fair to say you've
changed over the years?

Mmm. Doesn't everyone?

I mean, I read. I watch TV.
I keep up with the world.

It just looks a bit bloody weird,

because I'm dressed
like a cake decoration.

She knows!

And she's one Bacardi Breezer
away from twatting her.

Oops!

Fucking bitch!

Go for her! Fight, fight,
fight! Fight, fight, fight!

Woo, woo, woo, woo!

- Mr Chrysler.
- What?

It's you, again. All right?

- You off to go and drag your chicken
round in a circle? - Excuse me?

I've got a cellar.

Awesome.

Well, she's faking it

and he's thinking about his
ex, but he's almost there.

Come on, you're going to miss it,

he's not exactly a
long-distance runner.

Do you know what? I think
I'm just going to pass.

Suit yourself. Oh, God, here we go.

I've got my own cellar
now. A lot less faff.

Yes, the cellar. You're very
pleased with your cellar, aren't you?

Look at the state of you.

No offence, but I know the signs.

Woke up in the woods then, yes?

Yes, bit of a crazy night
last night, actually. Um...

some of the people from the show
dragged me out to a club and...

absolute carnage, had about four pints.

Then a casino, fell in with a stag do...

Nice lads, but I lost
a bet, so here we are.

I think I can hear my pager.

It's all right, you know.

What do you mean?

I'm a werewolf too.

Suppose it's understandable -

if you've never met any other
werewolves, how would you know

how to spot them
- us? I can't stop thinking about your talk.

All the things that
you've done... and bought.

I was just wondering if
you had any like, you know,

like, pointers for me?

I'm a werewolf too, but I've
never lived anywhere posh like you.

I live in a house now, but
I ain't got it all to myself.

I have to share it with
a couple of friends.

I used to live in a van
in the woods with me dad.

We'd move about, keep a low profile

and, well, just live
off the land, really.

- What did you say?
- I used to live in a van in the woods with me dad.

Before that.

Erm, I'm a werewolf but I've
never lived anywhere posh like you?

- After that. You said something about living
in a house with people. - Yeah.

- Do they know what you are? -
Yeah. Totally. - And they don't mind?

- Well, they've got their own things
going on. - So...

- You want to know about the secret of my success?
- Yeah.

Half of me thinks it's impossible.

Half of me thinks it would be
selfish not to pass on my wisdom.

And yet, the other half just
wants to throw caution to the wind.

- That's three halves. - Oh,
you're good. Ha-ha! Real good.

So, this house of yours,
how big is it, exactly?

- We need to talk about Mary.
- I did say you'd find her a little dull.

"Dull" is not the word I would use.

Erm, "Crazy sordid batshit
shocking" is more the flavour.

I'm sorry, is this some new
youth slang for "boring"?

- I do try to keep up...
- Mary is not who you think she is, Hal.

The whole posh totty thing
- it's just an act.

- Why on earth would she do that?
- I don't know and I don't care.

But what I'm worried about is the
fact that she's been stuck here

for 200 years and it's turned
her into a total frothing loon.

Is that what's going to happen to me?

Look, even if you don't pass over for...

.. a while, I'm sure you'd
cope with it admirably.

You and Mary are completely
different people after all.

Had a thing with you.

Got killed. Stuck here
as a ghost. But mates now.

Does that ring any bells?

- You all right, Tom?
- I'm fine. Are you? Ooh.

Is that somebody at the door?

Tom. My young apprentice.

Larry, come on in, mate.

Alex, Hal, this is Larry
- the werewolf who did the talk.

- Greetings. Larry Chrysler.
- Hi.

Very nice. The room. Love the place.

Buffet monitor. Good to see you again.

Larry's going to teach me how
to become a successful werewolf.

- How d'you feel about that, Hal?
- Good for you, Tom.

Yeah, it is good for me, Tom.

- So, am I to take it you're both werewolves as well?
- No.

- I'm a vampire. - And
I'm a ghost. - Very good.

I can see what you're doing there.
Using humour to break to the ice.

- Great stuff.
- So, I see you've brought a suitcase.

Yeah, well, my tutoring
can be quite time intensive.

We thought rather than a
lot of coming and going,

I'd just stay here for a while.

- Er, yeah. Larry's going to stay here for a while to train me.
- Great.

- The more the merrier!
- You're not the boss of me here, Hal.

- I can do what I like.
- Yes, I know, I said it was great.

So?

- Oh.
- Great to meet you both.

I didn't know you wanted to stay.

I thought we'd discussed it,
hadn't we? I'm sure we did.

- We were thinking it, anyway. -
Because of the training? - Yeah. Yeah.

- The training. Lots of it.
- Great stuff. When do we start?

- Like, is there a manual or something?
- Yes. Of course there is.

A vital component of the programme.

Now, er, this is the most
important book you'll ever own.

Er, truly got me where I am
today. This book is now your bible.

I want you to live it, breathe it,
sleep with it under your pillow...

- I'm just saying it's a good book.
- Oh. Wow. Thanks, Larry.

- You say your dad taught you a few things?
- Yeah, um...

only steal from big shops,
there's good eating on rabbit,

and underpants inside out
buys you an extra week.

Essential life lessons. Anything
about becoming a success?

- Making something of yourself?
- Nah, not really.

It were more about whittling
and not starving to death.

He were amazing though, me dad.

We were hardly ever out
of each other's sight.

He protected me from the
world. A bit too much, maybe.

I don't know, I just
want to make him proud.

And I get dead frustrated when I can't,

and I get things wrong and that.

Tom. Open that door.

Did you see him go?

- Old Tom, failure Tom. He's left
the building. - Oh, right. See ya!

No, no, Tom. Shun him. Shun him.

Shun him.

Now, let's get down to
basics. Clothes maketh the man.

- How would you like this suit, Tom?
- To keep?

You just give me your suit?

It's important, vitally important,
to make a good first impression.

- And this little baby has done wonders for me.
- Oh, cheers, Larry.

Giving me all this stuff.

- I feel like I should give you
something in return. - Ha-ha. No.

Not necessary. Seriously.

Having said that, there is one
thing you could help me with.

- Yeah, anything.
- Well, obviously, I need to buy a new suit now.

And I've got a bit of a cash
flow issue over the next few days.

So... I'm transferring money
between banks. You know how it is.

But if you could maybe
lend me, say... ?150?

I've got some savings...

Actually, forget it. I'm
embarrassed for even asking.

I'll think of something, don't worry.

I don't know what, exactly,
but something will turn up.

I'll help you out, Larry.

- But it's just a loan though, yeah? For a few days?
- Absolutely.

Absol-Larry-lutely.

- Yeah. - Tom?
- Hello, Hal.

I've just come to congratulate you
on your new position of manager.

Thank you, Tom. Is that Larry's suit?

You're not the only one
who can wear a suit, Hally.

I got this printed off at the library.

- "Tom McNair Incorporated"?
- Yep.

I think you're supposed to
put something else on there

like a phone number or an e-mail.

I'll call you. Yeah,
there's a new player in town.

And he's got the skills

and the looks and the
motivation and the skills.

- He's got the whole package.
- Quite.

Everything OK with your breakfast?

How's things, all right? Ange, Ange!

Yeah, he were really impressed.

I did the power handshake, gave
him me card, erm, interrupted him.

I mean, that's three ingredients
for success pie right there, innit?

- Success pie?
- Yeah, the book. Chapter Four: Success Pie.

Ah, the book. Of course.
Now, your next life lesson.

Take this and go and put the
windscreen through that BMW

- over there.
- Whose car is it?

Let's say it's your competitor,
who has stolen your assets

and voted you off the board.

Yeah, but whose car is it really?

Mine.

Stolen by my bitch of an ex-wife.

Who is currently spending my
money tanning herself in that spa

so she can look even more like the
leather handbag, which I bought. Ha!

- The irony makes me want
to puke. - Your ex-wife?

Miss Thingy '92 and '94?

One and the same. Although
1992 was a long time ago,

- as one look at her will plainly tell you.
- I don't think I can do this.

I thought you wanted to learn how
to climb the mountain of success?

I don't think smashing the
windscreen is going to help me

- climb the mountain of success or eat success pie, is it?
- Tom.

Sometimes you have to do
regrettable things to get to the top.

And when you do, your old dad
will be looking down and smiling.

Not if I do this he won't.

Maybe you're right. I'm
pushing you too quickly.

Just go and let her tyres down,
and we'll say no more about it.

Go on.

All of them.

It's simple, really.

I go off and have adventures
and just make sure I'm back here

in time for all the "Prithee
Lord Harry" bullshit.

But why? That's what
I don't understand...

- And what about your unfinished business?
- Oh, that's all sorted.

Something about library books.
No, I've had loads of doors appear.

- I just turn them down.
- What? Why?

Hal. He needs me.

I know he's got you and there's
been Pearl and Annie, and those

are just the ones I can remember,

but me and Hal have something special.

- Something no-one else could
ever understand. - Which is?

I keep him clean! Seeing me once
a year stops him from killing.

And has kept him from killing
for more than two centuries.

- What do you mean? - I was his last
victim. - Is that what he told you?

Yes.

You know what? It's not my business.

But I... just really don't think
that all these lies are that healthy.

Just tell him who you really are.

But what if he doesn't want the new me?

Oh.

Sometimes, when he
looks at me, it's like...

.. it's just on the tip of his tongue.

Yeah, you two really
need to have a talk.

No. No, no, no, no, no. I'm not ready.

OK, listen. You've shown me your
world. How about I show you mine?

- Y'know, come see my gaff?
- OK.

Cheers.

- Larry. Might I have a quick word?
- Shoot.

I was just wondering how
Tom's lessons were progressing?

Yeah, very... We're at a delicate
stage. We're breaking down barriers.

- To replace them with?
- Bridges. Castles. Affordable housing.

Actually, there's something
I've been meaning to ask you -

- did you ever meet Tom's father?
- No, I never had that pleasure.

But I'm right in thinking
they kept him away from people?

- And that Tom was home schooled?
- That was my understanding.

Although I don't think McNair's
lessons were exactly conventional.

You must take some of
the credit, of course,

for helping Tom adjust to society.

Tom's been very
resourceful in that area.

Sorry, are you saying you
haven't taught him anything?

I mean, you're obviously a man
of breeding and intelligence,

whereas Tom was almost
literally raised by wolves.

That's something of
a sweeping statement.

And yet you felt no compulsion to
pass on any of your... No, fine.

Not really my place. Unbelievable.

I suppose the greatest
test of a teacher's work is

whether the student
thrives without them.

It'll be interesting to see
Tom implement all the things

you've taught him...

.. once you've gone.

Once all of this is over.

It's a big house.

But not that big.

How odd you must find
our little set up here?

How domesticated.

Perhaps we are a little rigid but
that structure seems to work for us.

- And we'll do all we can to protect it.
- I'll bear that in mind.

My situation is not unique
and I appreciate that.

People lose their jobs every day.

And when that happens,

no doubt other aspects of their
life expand to fill the void.

The problem with my life is,
there's nothing else there to expand.

I don't have a family. I don't have
any hobbies. The job was my life.

But now that's gone. So I find
myself at something of a loose end.

'What was it that you did? Your job?'

Oh. Civil service. Very dull...

Well, that's what I always said.
But it's something of a lie.

My job was covert and
dangerous, and required me

to commit acts that will
haunt me until the day I die.

All in the name of
holding back the tide.

And if we simply step aside now,

and allow that tide
to wash over the world,

then all my sacrifice
has been for nothing.

All those deaths have been for nothing.

Do you understand?

'Would you like me to
tell you what I'm wearing?'

Why not? Why not?

You don't have to keep
the suit on all the time.

What happens if an exciting
business opportunity arose

and I'd taken it off?

- Look a bit stupid then, wouldn't I?
- Tom...

.. I need to talk to you about Larry.

I don't think he's quite the
success he's led us to believe.

I wanted to know why we hadn't
seen him on the television,

so I did a search, a
Google, and it turns out

he was sacked, six months ago.

You really can't stand it, can you?

- Can't stand to see me winning.
- Tom, this isn't winning.

I've been thinking. What if
I made you assistant manager?

I don't want to be just your
assistant. I want your job!

Something tells me now
that Larry's given me

the skills that I need, you're
worried I might just get it.

Larry is a charlatan and a failure.

He's not, he's a business
guru and a motivated speaker.

He's been filling your head with
utter nonsense. Tom, these...

attitudes he's encouraging
- they're shallow,

- they're aggressive.
- All right, OK, all right!

Maybe he's not a very nice
guy. Maybe that's the truth.

But d'you know what? I don't care.
Because nice guys finish last, Hal.

And I'm tired of finishing last.

Because when you're there,
you get to the finishing line,

you find the pie's already gone.

Because some bugger like
you has already ate it.

The success pie.

Which is where they keep
it. At the finishing line...

on top of success mountain. I
don't know really know how it works.

- You don't have to stoop to his level.
- Well, maybe I do, Hal.

Because I'm sure of one thing -

McNair would've wanted
more for me than this.

And I'm letting him down.
Every day I'm letting him down.

And maybe this is a way I
can make him proud of me.

Welcome to our humble abode.

It used to be a cheesy B&B but
I swear you would never know.

Oh, don't sweat it, over the
years I've seen some right sh...

shining examples of
Edwardian architecture.

Oh, Tom's here. I
thought you'd be at work.

I didn't know we were expecting
company. You should have said.

Mary, this is Tom.

And Larry, Tom's werewolf
friend/lifestyle coach.

Guilty as charged.

You must've died a long
time ago, dressed like that.

I believe that questions as
to a lady's age are considered

inappropriate even in this barbaric age.

I'm loving that whole Downton Abbey
thing you've got going on there.

Pretty sexy. Say something else.

So might I take it
you're Thomas's father?

- I'm not that bloody old!
- I apologise for any offence caused.

- Lady Mary?
- Lord Harry.

- You are no longer in your home, you are outside?
- Indeed.

Mistress Alexandra persuaded me
to take a quiet constitutional.

We were just about to have some
dinner. Would you like to join us?

So. 250 years.

Man, that's a long time to
stay on the straight and narrow.

- What's your secret, Hal? - Are my ears
burning? - So ghosts really can't eat?

No. We can't. It's tragic. Anyway,
Hal, 250 years without blood.

- That's quite an achievement.
- So what else can't you do?

I'm right in saying you can't
take your clothes off, aren't I?

- So does that also mean you can't, you know, have a bath?
- No.

It's a real shame. Anyway, Hal, Mary, blood
- discuss.

It is unfortunately very true.

Yet, even though I've been
dead for over 200 years,

I am sure that I bathe more regularly

than some people I could think of.

I prefer showers! You're just
sitting in your own muck in a bath.

Oh, forget the baths,
it's the shagging I miss.

I think I need to go.

- So I see the FTSE's gone up. Crazy!
- Real pity.

Real waste. Pretty girl like you...

.. that you'll never again
know the love of a man.

Do you want to stay a man?

- Do you? Just nod.
- Alex?

OK. Then you don't talk to
me. You don't look at me.

You don't even think of me again.

Because if you do, I will cut
your nut sack off in the night.

Oh, and mention one
word of this to Hal...

I've just got to catch up on some work.

What have you done?

- You've broken Mary!
- I told you!

- She only puts it on because she thinks
you need it! - That's insane!

Why would I need her
to do such a thing?!

Because somehow she has this crazy idea

that she was your last ever victim!

- You haven't told her, have you?
- No, I haven't.

But how the hell could you
let her think that for so long?

It's not exactly an easy topic to raise.

Hal, she is turning down doors

because she thinks it's keeping
you clean. You have to tell her.

I can't. It would destroy
her. She's far too fragile.

Hal, does she look fragile?!

Your mate's a nutter.

Yeah, well, yours is an arsehole.
And a letch. And a bullshitter.

- He's got a Jacuzzi.
- Oh, stuff his Jacuzzi. Seriously, Tom,

what are you even doing with that guy?

Learning how to be like him.

- Larry? You all right, mate?
- Absolutely fine.

What's on your mind there, Tom-Tom?

- Bit weird down there with Mary, wasn't it?
- Oh, that.

To be honest, I'd
forgotten all about that.

It's all part of the game,
Tom. All part of the game.

- Your hand's bleeding.
- Anything else?

When are you going to
be back on the telly?

I'd really like Hal
to see you in action.

Well, if you must know,

I'm taking some leave to
pursue other opportunities.

But I'll be back on again
in a couple of weeks.

Straight after the six o'clock news.

Erm, I was thinking that...

maybe tomorrow we could
go round to your house

and do some training, or go for a
swim in the Jacuzzi or something.

Ah. Sorry, but the old pile now
belongs to my charming ex-wife.

We can certainly go round there
and put some windows through,

- if you're up for it?
- No, thanks.

So you ain't got a house no more, no?

Come on, Tom. "House", "job",
"wife". Shackles by any other name.

Who needs them really, huh?

Hal was right, wasn't he?

- It's all just made up. All just stories.
- What?

I wouldn't go listening to Hal.

Look up "loser" in the dictionary,
there's a picture of him.

Or a drawing. I don't quite
know how it works, but...

You've been sleeping
in your car, ain't ya?

I've done enough dossing
to know the signs.

He's really got to you, hasn't he?
I've gotta say, I'm disappointed.

Stop it now, Larry.

It ain't working no more,
mate. Were you ever a success?

Was it all just lies?

If I ever lied to you it
was only to protect you.

I did have it all, once upon a time.

Then the werewolf came
and gobbled it all up.

How? How did it gobble it all up?

- What does that even mean?
- You were turned as a baby, weren't you?

You've never known anything else.

You don't know how the wolf changes you.

You see, it's not just one night a
month. It's every day, every hour.

- No, it's not. Most of the time we're normal.
- How would you know?

You've never seen yourself
without it. I know it changed me.

I've got instincts now
which I never had before.

New drives. Aggression.

Lust. That's how it started
- I cheated on my wife.

Piece by piece, the
wolf took it all away.

The houses, the job, the money.

- Well, I ain't like that. I'm nothing like that.
- What? No aggression?

How many vampires have you killed?

Or maybe the wolf is holding
you back in other ways.

How would you know?

Maybe there's a smart, successful
Tom inside that has all the answers.

Who, sadly, we'll never meet.

Yeah, but, you gave me that
book. You said if I learnt it...

I've never even read that book.

I don't think any of us stands
a chance against the wolf.

Because it always wins. For
us, this is as good as it gets.

You shouldn't have come back.

- You and Hal need to talk about this.
- He doesn't even know me any more.

So introduce yourself.

And I like action films
- erm, John Woo, Jackie Chan...

.. and the music of Metallica.

I watch cage fighting.

I shoplift...

quite a lot.

And I push people over sometimes
if I don't like their shoes...

or their faces.

Suppose this must all
be a bit of a head-fuck.

That's certainly...
one way of putting it.

Well, actually, Mary,

Hal has a little secret
that he wants to tell you.

Really?

What's that then, Hal?

Alex has been telling me that
you have been turning down doors,

thinking that your presence here
has been keeping me from killing.

I'm sorry to break this to you,
Mary, but that simply isn't true.

You have been a loyal and close friend.

But you weren't my last victim.

You... are...

.. shitting me.

Many times, I tried to raise
the courage to tell you...

You had CENTURIES of lying.

Centuries of bowing and fawning and
babbling about the fucking weather.

Centuries of knowing
how I felt about you.

- Centuries of letting me think you felt the same.
- And I did!

Perhaps not in that way.
But I'm totally clean now.

It must be over 50 years since
I last killed a human for blood.

Oh, that's OK then

Because that only makes me
an idiot for, what, 200 years?

And you knew? Wow.

You covered for this tosser?

But now, you're... you're free.

- You're free to pass over.
- Well, thank you.

Thank you very much

You've really solved my life.

You utter wanker.

I'm not going to lie, that
could have gone better.

250 years I've been visiting her!

Five minutes with you and she's
threatening to castrate people

and accusing me of onanism.

Accusing you of what?

Masturbation.

This whole business
really makes me doubt you.

Am I just the latest in a
long line of dead girls who,

who you lean on and who
trust you and who you lie to?

Sorry, couldn't help overhearing.

I was just down there looking
for something for... ten minutes.

- Why are you dressed like that?
- I'm only saving the day!

Covering Tom's shift.

- I used to do bar work back in the old student days.
- Where is Tom?

Yeah, a little bit awkward,
that. Erm, I think he's left.

Left what? The job?

No. The house.

He said something about it not
working out, trying to be human.

And then he packed a bag and
left. Maybe it's for the best.

Like you said yourself, Hal, it
was getting a little bit cramped.

Oh, yeah, it's all
coming back to me now.

I will pay for that, obviously.

- Tom? Are you in there?
- No.

- How did you know I was 'ere?
- We know how much McNair meant to you, Tom.

- His grave seemed a good bet.
- How are the funds going, Tom?

- For his gravestone?
- I've changed me mind. I don't want a gravestone.

- I've spent the money. It's gone.
- Tom, did Larry take all the money?

He were a surveyor. McNair. Did
you know that? Before he got bit.

He never told me. I had to
find it out. He was a success.

And then he turned into a werewolf.

And he ended up living
in the woods in a van.

- And raising a son who was courageous
and motivated and generous. - No.

Larry was right.

It's a waste of time wolves trying
to better themselves and fit in.

This is where we always end up.
In the woods, poaching rabbits.

This is as good as it gets for us.

Tom, you have one night
a month to worry about.

- You're the closest to human of all of us.
- Yeah, I used to think that too.

Then Larry put me straight.
The wolf never sleeps.

- He's always there, inside me,
making me dumb. - Tom!

That is utter nonsense.

And if that's what Larry's been
telling you, then he is despicable.

No, it's good. All this time
I thought I was the problem.

But it's not my fault, it's
the wolf. So it's OK, innit?

- Let's say that's true. -
Hal! What are you..? - No!

Let's say you have a monster
inside you. All the time.

Pulling at your strings. Tormenting
you. Itching to see you fail...

Well, join the club! Come on in!

Because if you do, if
all of that is true,

then this is where you prove your worth.

By fighting it. By defying
it. By proving it wrong.

By standing toe to toe with it
every day and spitting in its face.

Did Larry tell you he lost his wife
and his job because of the wolf?

Tom, whatever Larry's problems are,

you can be damn sure they're nothing
to do with him being a werewolf

and everything to do
with him being a failure.

You are nothing like him.

You are stronger in every way.

You are a good man. The
best I've ever known.

Not a success though, am I?

Yes, you are. By all
the measures that matter.

That's just a wishy-washy way
of saying "failure", isn't it?

Look, I know both of you mean
well. But this is for the best.

Really, it is. I know where I am
in the woods. It's like coming home.

I don't have to dress
up or learn stupid rules.

I can stop pretending I'm normal.

I don't have to try for anything
more. This is enough for me.

It's enough.

- Out!
- I'm sorry?

I'll spell it out: You. Gone. Now!

I'm guessing this is something
to do with Tom, right?

Look, whatever he's chosen to
believe has nothing to do with me.

We both know he's not the
sharpest tool in the shed.

- You've got five minutes to pack your case.
- But this is my home, Hal.

Do you think if you say something
enough times it makes it true?

"This is my home"? "It
wasn't me, it was the wolf"?

- You know nothing of the wolf.
- But I know people.

I know the lies they tell themselves
to cover up their own failings.

There's only one person to
blame for what's happened to you.

- And he's standing right in front of me.
- Shut your mouth,

you arrogant little shit. You don't
know me. You don't scare me either.

I should.

Because there is something within
me that I've been holding back.

And it so wants to be free.

- And what you did to Tom has given
it the perfect excuse. - Woooooo

This is your chance, Larry, your
only chance to be the wise man

who walks away and
lives to see another day.

- You know how this ends? -
What? - You. Here. In a tent.

You know how this ends? Mary.

She gave up the fight,
she let it overwhelm her.

- Now she's all alone and mad as a
badger. - I'm nothing like her. - Yeah.

Neither am I -yet. I bet she didn't plan on
ending up like that, either.

You've got to stay part
of something, y'know?

You've got to stay... anchored.

And it's OK for you because,
well, you can be seen and do stuff.

Whereas the only thing I can be part
of is the "Tom, Hal and Alex" gang.

- So I'd be coming home for you?
- Yeah.

Yeah, I'm just going
to put it out there.

I want you to come back because...

.. well, because Mary's
scared the shit out of me.

And I'm scared that
without you two that...

Well, that's going to be me

crouched over a bog
watching other people shag.

Long story. And it's about you as well.

You're the best out of all of us,
Tom. You just don't realise it.

- I've got a surprise for you.
- Well, there's a... coincidence.

Hello, Alex.

Hal was just telling me how truly
sorry he is for this whole business.

It was really quite moving.

Mary...

.. you don't want to do this.

Why do people always say that?

- This is exactly what I want to do, which is
why I'm doing it. - Mary.

I am eternally grateful to you

for the years you've
dedicated to my wellbeing.

Oh, my God, do you
ever listen to yourself?

It's like the shipping forecast
took a shit in your ear.

You were my rock. You helped
me stay clean for so many years.

That is worth more to me than I can say!

Yeah, but it didn't
last for ever, did it?

So then you drink again
and then you're clean again,

and then you drink again.

On and on and on and on. How
long until you kill again, Hal?

How many lives will I be
saving when I kill you today?

Oh.

My little girl's all grown up.

But I've been doing this
for a very long time.

It's all right, I've got it, I think!

You can just run off, you know.

- We've got this.
- What?

I said, "We have got this. "

He's our responsibility now.

We'll make sure he doesn't
kill again. Won't we, Tom?

Absolutely. Can we just
wrap this up now, please?

Oh, no. He needs to suffer.

Every day he fights with
the monster he might become.

You think that isn't suffering?

You've had centuries of making
him your problem. I know it hurts.

And I know that your heart is
breaking. But it's time to let go.

He's our problem now.

It's OK. I'm fine. Don't worry about me!

Don't worry.

So. What now?

- I guess you don't have to keep coming
back here any more. - No.

I think it's high
time for a new country.

And maybe a whole new personality.

Yeah, I could be a ditsy tourist.

Or a crazy eco-warrior.

Go scare the shit out of
some loggers in the Amazon.

He's not a bad man. Not any more.

Where have I heard that before? Oh, yes.

It was me for 250 years.

Right. Why don't we just try and
leave this on a civil note, hmm?

How's that sound?

Goodbye, Lady Mary. It's
certainly been an experience.

I hope you know what you're taking on.

Cos the man that killed me
isn't gone. He's just sleeping.

And he's a very good liar.

How long until you're
the one holding the stake?

So he just upped and left?

- I'll be honest, Tom. I didn't leave him a lot of choice.
- Good riddance.

He was a bit of a wrong un, wasn't
he? I've been a bit of an idiot.

- Sorry, Hal. - You've nothing
to apologise for. - No, I have.

I let him get to me. The
wolf ain't holding me back.

Nothing's holding me back. I've
just got to try harder, that's all.

- I can be anything I want to be. We all can.
- That's quite an insight.

- Maybe I should spend some time in the woods.
- No, you don't want to do that.

It's crap, damp and itchy.
That's why I came home, really.

- I needed a shower. - Of course it
is. - Hal, while I've got you, mate.

- That job opportunity. Is it still open?
- Assistant manager?

- That's the bunny.
- It's yours if you want it, Tom.

Well, I'll have my people call
your people and set something up.

- You do that.
- Mary didn't know you like we know you, Hal.

You're a good bloke.

Thank you.

'This is your chance, Larry, your
only chance to be the wise man... '

who walks away and
lives to see another day.

- So. We're more alike than I thought.
- We are nothing alike.

When you look at me you
see the monster you hide.

You believe whatever you want. Just go.

I'm a little too wild
for your liking, aren't I?

A little too unpredictable,
a little too... complete.

It's clearly helped you make
such a success of your life

Didn't you tell Tom all
that stuff was unimportant?

Instead I've got no struggle, no
tug of war. Just one voice. One life.

One me. Seeing that's got to hurt.

- I strongly suggest you take a step backwards.
- You know what?

I think you're just one big PR
exercise. You think I'm a fraud?

Well, I guess you'd know the signs.
"I'll huff and I'll puff!" Wooo

Come on, let's see this Big Bad
Hal that's got everyone so scared.

- You don't know what you're doing.
- Maybe I do. Maybe I want this.

Maybe I want to see the monster.
Come on. Let him out. Let's play.

If he's even real! You've
got the others fooled.

It's not exactly hard, is
it? A slag and a retard.

You want to talk to the real me?

Hello, Larry. Here I am.
Did you want to speak to me?

Hello? Hello!

Hello?

I believe I have some work for you.

I'll be right over.

'How long until
you kill again, Hal?'

Bobby. Excellent.

Mr Rook always says that I'm
a savage and deadly predator.

There is no Ian. There is only Crumb.

Let's do this.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd