Being Human (2008–2013): Season 5, Episode 2 - Sticks and Rope - full transcript

This programme contains some strong language
and scenes which some viewers may find upsetting.

Like it or not, this is my world now.

The conflict between the werewolves and the vampires
generates such an energy, upon which the Devil feasts.

The Devil has no form of his own,

so will possess the
nearest human vessel.

I'm fine.

In fact, I haven't felt
this good for years.

- Your department is to be dissolved.
- Then God help us all!

Oh!

- The dodgems! Can we go on the
dodgems?! - We don't have time. - Sorry.

Why are you in such a hurry?
This place is friggin' mint!



- I told you, I'm meeting someone.
- Ah, so that's why you're dressed like a girl.

You know Ryan says this
fella must be a right munter.

Well, actually he's dead handsome, has
all his own teeth and speaks really nicely.

Whereas Ryan's last girlfriend
looks like Chris Moyles.

But hang on, if you're
going out tonight,

who's going to make us
dinner and do the washing up?

I just want ONE night to myself.

It's my holiday, too.
Right. Let's go, Decky...

Just one go! Please!

We'll come back tomorrow.
OK? We've got loads of time.

Promise?

Cross my heart and hope to die.

Come on.

And HE thought...



...the supply teacher was only there for a week.
- Mrs Barnes has had another "incident".

- Tom, can you change her sheets?
- I'm covering room service. Gary's got the shingles.

- Then he has to come back, so...
- What?!

Decky has to keep this
going for a whole year.

Mrs Barnes doesn't have
shingles, she needs new sheets.

- No, Gary has got the shingles. Gary has shingles.
- What?

Alex, please!

Do you want me to speak up?

No, could you, sort of...

It's just you're such vibrant and entertaining
company, you're distracting us from our work.

Oh, very smooth. Seriously, hats off.

Well, what am I supposed to
do? I can't eat, I can't sleep.

What did you do before?

Erm, looked after my brothers.

Went out on the piss with me mates, got
off with inappropriate people. No offence!

- Erm, what else? Played
piano. - Really? - Yeah.

- I was going to be a concert pianist.
- You can play the piano?

No, I can't! That's the really weird
thing... Of course, I can play the piano!

You have work to do, Thomas.

Yeah, it's dead here.

Well, I'm going to shoot.
Heaps to be getting on with.

Don't know where to start! Ooh!

Diagnosis Murder's on.

Oh, they're beautiful!

Do you have a secret admirer, Patsy?

Captain!

No!

No.

I picked them up at the petrol station.
Thought they might brighten the place up a bit.

- How are you coping without Sophie?
- Oh, the poor girl!

I keep thinking to myself,
was it something I said?

Oh, Captain!

She was devoted to you!

Now I'll have no more maudlin
from you, mister. It's a new era.

Amen to that! As a matter
of fact, I've had an idea.

Just a bit of fun. But it might
give us all a bit of a lift.

Then... follow me.

SHRILL NOTES PLAY

BOY GIGGLES

FOOTSTEPS RUNNING

Now, I know we've all been a bit down in the
dumps lately, what with things getting a bit...

suicidey.

BUT one of the guests has given
me the perfect idea to perk us up!

As of today, I'm going to be
watching you all like a hawk!

And whoever impresses me most...

You do realise you've stopped speaking?

Will be named Employee of the Month!

Now it's just a bit of fun, but
it will look terrific on your CV.

So best of luck to you all
and may the best man win.

See this, right here.

This is why the world is
going to hell in a handcart.

The very idea that you need
a competition to motivate...

Oh... God!

You'll have your work cut out if you want to beat me,
buddy boy! Got to get up pretty early in the morning!

I'm not indulging in this charade! I have
no intention of doing anything different.

Because you know you'll lose.
When I hold up the trophy...

- You do know there isn't a trophy?
- You'll be like, "I didn't take part, that's why I lost, why I'm a loser. "

It would be the easiest thing in the world
for me to win this ridiculous competition...

- You don't know who you're provoking here.
- Oh, I know who I'm provoking!

- Mr Runner-Up. Mr Silver Medal.
- There isn't a medal either.

When I transform, I should drag you round on a piece
of string in the woods. I'm saying you're a chicken.

Thank you. I got the analogy.

Very well, Thomas.

I accept the challenge.

Let's get to work!

"The Good, The Bad And The
Ugly" by Ennio Morricone

You ready?

Hello?

FOOTSTEPS RUNNING

Is anybody there?

DOOR SHUTS

Alex!

Alex.

Alex!

Alex!

Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex!

Alex! Alex!

VOICES SCREAM AND SCREECH

VOICES STOP

Ugh, who left these here?

Er, where are my flowers?

Don't you worry, Patsy.
It's all under control.

Oh, so that's 7.99 down the drain. Thank you
very much! That's coming out of your wages!

Oh, dear!

I do hope that doesn't mean
you're in her bad books.

Don't worry. It's still early
days yet. Still a lot to play for.

I think the house is haunted!

- Alex, there's no easy way to say this.
- No, not me, idiot! There's another one! You have to come home!

Hello! Anybody there?

I swear I heard him.

DOOR SLAMS

See! Now do you believe me?

See! Now do you believe me?
- Who's there? - Who's there?

FOOTSTEPS RUNNING

- Who the hell's that?
- I don't know.

- What's he doing here? - I don't know!
- What does he want? - I don't know!

- But maybe if you keep asking me I'll magically find out somehow.
- Go in there and ask him.

Not going to happen!

- I don't believe it, you're scared!
- Yes! Yes, I am.

- Now you go in and ask him.
- I can't go in there. I've got a sore... I've got a sore.

Aaakkkhhh! Oooooh!

Hello, Alex. Do you want to play with
me? This is the Battle of Sebastopol!

How do you know my name?

- Because I've been watching you.
- Right. Good, because I thought it'd be something creepy.

Hiding outside are Hal and Tom
- the vampire and the werewolf.

Hello!

- And you are?
- Oliver Fitzwilliam Pryor, at your service.

- And what are you doing here?
- Playing soldiers, you great ninny.

- Come along, sit down. You can be Russia!
- Nah, you're OK, thanks...

HE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS

Oh, God!

CONTINUES TO COUGH

It's ill. It's a child and now it's ill.

Oh, please. He was running
around the house five minutes ago.

Carry me!

Children and I don't... mix.

Your manservant then?

I'm not his manservant!

HE COUGHS

- All right then, little fella. Do you want a piggy back then?
- Oh yes, please! Rather.

But where did you come from?
What are you doing here?

This is my house.
I've always lived here!

What and we never knew? Not
even Annie? How did that happen?

Because I was hiding! Honestly, McNair,
you're a beef-witted applejohn sometimes.

- Hiding from what?
- From the monsters, of course. From the Men with Sticks and Rope.

- The Men with what and what?
- Sticks and Rope, McNair.

Guardians of the
afterlife. Ghastly things.

But they can't cross over to this plane. They
only exist on the other side of the doors.

I thought it best to keep
a low profile, nonetheless.

This was father's study.
We weren't allowed in there.

- Who's "we"?
- Mama, of course, myself, nanny and the servants.

We had a staff of four.
And Albert, my brother.

- So why have you come out of hiding?
- Because I saw you.

I know you're not much to look
at but one can't have everything.

What did happen to your hair, by the
way? Some sort of industrial accident?

Never mind. Come along,
McNair. Clippity-clop!

Where are my manners? I
haven't even welcomed you!

Pop me down here, McNair. Please,
do make yourselves at home.

OK, housemates' meeting.

You said, "Housemates' meeting. "

Erm, just the grown-ups.

Right, you are. Probably want to
discuss the East India Company. Carry on.

How can he have been living
here so long and we never knew?

And what are we going to do with him? It's not
like we can hand him over to social services.

No, it's down to us.

Oh... piss right off!

But you're dead good with kids. You're
always talking about your brothers.

But Little Lord Fauntleroy there
is not one of my little brothers.

Oh!

Seriously? Are we playing this again?

Blankie.

There we are. Is that better? We don't
want you getting poorly now, do we?

He's been dead for 100 years,
how much more poorly can he get?

HE COUGHS

Nah, that is a classic "I want the day off
school" cough! I've heard it 1,000 times!

Thank you all. You've been so very kind.

And if I don't make it...
please, don't forget me.

You know, Decky used to look
up symptoms online all the time,

except he could never be
bothered looking up the diagnosis.

There was this one time he said he couldn't go
to school because he'd just started the menopause.

DOOR SLAMS

Oh, you two are so getting a slap.

Isn't this nice? Just the two of us.

Right, you...

Listen up, OK? You might be able
to pull the wool over their eyes,

but they're men and they're idiots.
I, however, have seen this all before.

So come on, get up!

- What do you want to do then? Play football? Climb
trees? - What kind of low-born ruffian do you take me for?

TV it is!

Oh! Nice of you to pop
by. Nice of you to join us.

Sorry, Patsy. We were called away
to deal with a domestic emergency.

Hal. I see what you're doing. It's noble of you to
try to take the bullet. But I've got the smoking gun.

I saw him on the security camera,
sauntering up, bold as brass...

on his own.

Not good enough, Thomas. You
need to pull your socks up.

Come on, that's funny!
You've got to admit. Tom!

Of course.

You must have been worried sick.

As I said, he's fine, just
a little disorientated.

Yes, a friendly face would help no...

Excellent.

The car should be with you any minute.

His sister's on her way.
I'll prepare our guest.

Mr Crumb. How are we feeling today?

Yeah, yeah! Great, great!
Great, Great! Yeah, yeah!

I need to, er... I need to feed.

HE LAUGHS

That needs to happen real blooming soon!

I need to... We need to look
into that. It has to be addressed.

Oh, it is, Mr Crumb, as we speak.

But first the other day, when we met,
do you remember what I said?

I'd given you an idea. You had a job
for me and it was a really special job.

That's right. A very special job. A
job that demands skill and delicacy.

Oh, I can do that! I can be
delicate! I can be so bloody delicate!

Indeed.

That's me all over!

- And do you remember what you said?
- Yes!

Remind me.

You said that you were the
world's worst nightmare.

The victim who gets superpowers.

I thought at the time,
"Goodness, what a striking image!"

Well... your hour approaches, Mr Crumb.

VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRS

VACUUM CLEANER STOPS

- What's that you're doing?
- I'm disinfecting the keyboard with pure alcohol and a cotton bud.

I'd never think of doing that. I'm never
going to win this competition, am I?

This isn't part of the competition.
Doesn't everyone do this?

I know Patsy prefers you, but I thought
if I worked hard, I could change her mind.

It's just a silly competition, Tom. Why don't we
both opt out? I'm really not that bothered about it.

- Well, - I - am! Like Patsy said, imagine
having "Employee of the Month" written on your CV!

- Imagine having a CV!
- You can have a CV.

I'll type you up a CV as soon as
I'm done disinfecting the keyboard.

I just wanted to better meself, broaden me horizons.
This was me chance. This was going to be it.

What if I withdrew from the competition?
Perhaps without me "distracting" Patsy,

- she'll be able to see your potential.
- No.

People should win things because they're good,
not because everyone else is more rubbish.

Welcome to democracy.

We are having a party!

SHE LAUGHS MANICALLY

OFF-KEY PIANO PLAYS

- What's all this in aid of?
- Don't you like a party? Everybody likes a party! It's the fucking law!

We were rather looking forward to
a quiet evening and some supper.

- We've been working all day.
- Oh!

And you think this isn't work?

I have been stuck all day on
my own with a bloody child.

You try it. One day. I will go to the hotel
and you can stay right here. One day. Let's go!

Everybody deserves to have a fuss
made of them when they're little.

OK then, that's agreed! Tonight, we're
all going to party like it's 1899!

Ya-haaa! Haaa!

You're not "yah-ing", Hal.

Yaah!

Tic, tac, toe. Look
up high, look down low.

Let's have three in a row. Don't
let the butler step on your toe...

Ah! 16-0. Let's go.

Tic, tac, toe. Look up
high, look down low...

Let's have three in a row. Don't
let the butler step on your toe!

- I don't want to play any more. We should play party games!
- Oh, pass the slipper! Pass the slipper!

Right, who's first?

Eeny meeny miney mo, catch a ni...

No!

All right then, I'll go first.

Again, again, again!

I think that's enough
excitement for one night, Oliver.

- Just because you keep losing.
- Only because you're a little cheat.

How dare you! You great baggage!

- Yeah, whatever, Niles.
- Never...

have I met a less lady-like LADY!

You can't dance! You can't
conjugate Latin verbs!

And your madrigal
singing is subpar at best!

Right, that's it.

Naughty step for you! Come on!

- What's going on?
- I've had enough.

He's a freak! He can't play football.

He thinks TV is "vulgar" and do not
even get me started on the racism!

Right!

And stay there!

OK.

- Right. Go to your room!
- Make me, dollymop! Flapdragon!

I think maybe you should
do what she says, Oliver.

Oh, my God! Dead Victorian
kids are so annoying!

You don't think you're
being a bit hard on him?

Fine! Fine...

EVIL VOICES MUTTERING

Please! I'm doing my best, I swear.

Try again!

EVIL VOICE MUTTERING

Who are you talking to?

No-one. I was talking to myself.

- What, and you answer yourself back?
- Just leave me alone.

Oliver, what's going on?

So what's the mission? What's the SP?

That's for you to decide.
It's all about instinct.

Reading the room. Gauging the
situation. Making a judgment call.

Making the situation. Reading
the instincts. I getcha! I getcha!

Alan, are the CCTV cameras all
working? We want to record your triumph.

Er, yes, sir. But could I have a word?

And afterwards, you'll feed me?

I give you my word you'll be fed.

- Do I get a badge?!
- I'm sorry?

Well, it's just if I'm
working for you then...

We don't really do badges.

It's undercover work. A badge
would rather give the game away.

That makes total sense. You're
smart. You're very smart.

Instead...

you get this... pen.

This very special pen.

- Does it shoot poison gas? Or pellets? Or poison gas pellets?
- No.

It's essentially a pen, but...

only our top people get one of these.

Oh, like a talisman!

Like when you defeat the
Obsidian King on Flaming Orc.

HE LAUGHS

Flaming Orc
- the role playing game? You must have heard of it! Won the Golden Joystick award.

I'm sorry, my work takes
up so much of my time.

Well, there's this dungeon
boss and you have to beat him.

He drops a talisman and it boosts everything,
all your powers! You become invincible!

Then this pen, Mr
Crumb, is your talisman.

And your destiny lies beyond this door.

Sorry, I need to speak to you.

For God's sake, Alan, what is it?!

She's brought her daughter.

We must...

We must be resolute.

We must think...

of the greater good.

HE SHOUTS

POUNDING ON DOOR, NO SOUND

HIGH-PITCHED SQUEALS

POUNDING

SCREAMING

SCREAMING CONTINUES

I need your help.

What's up?

We told you about this ridiculous
Employee of the Month thing.

Well, it turns out Tom's
got his heart set on it.

At first, I didn't realise
just how much it means to him.

But if he's going to stand a chance of winning,
it's not enough for him to be good at the job.

I have to be bad.

The problem is, I've never been bad at anything in
my life. So I was wondering if you could help me.

Oh, what, because I'm the leading
expert at fucking things up?

Oh, that's lovely!
Yeah, that's really nice!

Can you help me?

Yes! Yes, as a matter of fact, I can.

Well, for starters, look how you're sat. It's
like you've got a poker stuck up your bum. Slouch.

- Slouch?
- Yeah.

I can't slouch, not with my
back. I have a dancer's back.

Ha!

Just slide into your seat. Let
yourself go all loosey-goosey.

OK.

OK. Put your feet up
on that and read that.

- Can't I have a proper paper?
- No.

Now, a customer comes
in, you ignore them.

They ask you a question, you
shrug. They ask you again, you tut.

Tut?

- Try and work in an eye-roll
as well. - This is barbaric.

Welcome to the British service industry.

PATSY GIVING COMMANDS IN THE BACKGROUND

Look at you!

Conserving your energy in
case there's a rush later?

Planning ahead. I love it!

- Why would I care if there was a rush later?
- Why indeed!

It won't faze you. You'll...
you'll lick us into shape.

Shit!

- Bugger!
- Captain Hatch! What on earth...?

I'm sorry, Patsy, my
colostomy bag runneth over.

- And now I don't have poor Sophie to help, God rest her soul...
- Right.

Don't look at me! I'm not doing it!

Of course not! The very idea. Thomas!

Captain Hatch needs a hand getting
cleaned up in his "toilet area".

- I'm sure you can manage that.
- Of course! It'd be a pleasure.

- No, I didn't mean Tom should do it.
- Bit more suited to your skill set.

Did you hear that then?
Skill set! Skill set!

What in the name of Little
Baby Cheeses are you doing?

It's part of my routine. Just because one is
dead, doesn't mean one should let standards drop.

Would you mind turning round?
I'm going to get out now.

So if you lived here, then
how come you don't sound Welsh?

I was born in England, if you must know.
We only moved because of father's work.

- What did he do?
- He was a magistrate.

- Why all these questions?
- I just want to get to know you.

- How you lived, how you died.
- How I DIED?

Oh, great idea! Let's start with
that one. So, how did you die?

- That's a very personal question.
- You said that you were hiding from the Men with Sticks and Rope.

What do they want with you?

They want every ghost who
hasn't passed over properly.

They've not come looking for me.

So YOU must be special.
Now why's that then?

If I tell you, you'll hate me.

DOOR SLAMS, STATIC

Course I'm not going
to hate you. What is it?

- GLASS SHATTERS, RUMBLING
- What are you hiding? Oliver!

RUMBLING STOPS, SILENCE

I did a terrible thing.

I killed my brother.

How's it going then,
your little competition?

Oh, you heard about that?

It's going all right. I think Patsy
has finally started to notice me.

- See what I'm capable of.
- Yeah, cleaning up shit.

You know he refused to do it
- the other fella?

La-de-da Gunner Graham said it was beneath him.
Him and Patsy had a right old laugh about it.

Oh well, his loss. Gives me
another chance to impress Patsy.

You know what he is? A
tart. Excuse my French.

I've seen him, fluttering
his eyelashes at her,

opening doors for her,
giggling like a tit.

That's playing dirty in my book.

Nah, just healthy
competition, that's all.

I worked with a man like that once,
swore blind he was my best mate.

Next thing, bastard
stabbed me in the back.

Cast me out without
a by-your-leave.

He knows how much this means
to me. He wouldn't cheat.

Yeah, but what does it mean to him?

See, this isn't about some
pissy little competition.

This is about status quo.

Men like him need a hierarchy.

Him on top, us underneath. And
he'll do anything to protect it.

He had rickets, he needed metal
callipers to help him walk.

Everyone made such a fuss of
him. Never had any time for me.

Yeah, I think I can relate to that.

So what happened?

We were playing hide and seek. There
was an old water tank in the cellar.

A copper for washing clothes.

He must have climbed in
there and with the calliper...

I was the one who found him.

Oh, God! Oliver that's...

Everyone blamed me.

They didn't say a word, but
I could hear them whispering.

I couldn't bear it.

I took rat poison, when
cook wasn't looking.

See? I told you you'd hate me.

Course I don't hate you.

I know what it's like to lose someone.

When I was 17, my mum walked out on me.

My dad couldn't cope, so all
of a sudden I was the grown-up.

Had to look after all my little
brothers. What choice did I have?

- Do you miss them?
- Oh God, yeah!

Every single day. I'm fine so
long as I don't think about it.

What happened to Albert,
Oliver, wasn't your fault.

Just as what happened to me wasn't mine.

Do you really believe that?

Neither of us asked for this.

We have both had to pay the biggest
price imaginable for things that...

for things that we can't control.

But what's done is done and
we have to look forward now.

Or else eternity is going to
seem like a very long time.

So, what do you say we go
out and we have some fun?

Dodgems!

They've got dodgems! Come on!

Was you ever in the military?

Erm...

Briefly.

- A long time ago.
- I knew it!

Soon as I clapped eyes on you I said to myself,
"There's a military man. " Something in your bearing.

- You're a cut above the rest of this shower.
- I don't like to discuss my past.

You see that breaks my heart. That
says to me that you're ashamed.

And of what? Cos you know the
proper words for something?

Because you went out and got
yourself an education? No, no, no.

That says to me that they've won.

Well...

sometimes it's just easier to
hide one's light under a bushel.

Time was, people liked
knowing their place.

It made them feel secure. But
now, everyone's got to be top dog.

It's no wonder we're
in the mess we're in.

People like things to be a little
more meritocratic these days.

Yeah! See, that's exactly
what I'm talking about!

"Meritocratic". Perfect.
Beautiful that is.

That's just music. "Meritocratic".

Now why on earth would
anyone be ashamed of that?

You're very... congenial.

"Congenial"! I love it!

Mind you...

I'm, erm...

.. very hush-hush about where
I've been and things I've done.

People judge.

All I'm saying is, you're
better than the lot of them.

And that used to be a
blessing and now it's a curse.

The woman is the perpetrator's
sister. The girl, her daughter.

And where's he?

Type 2's cannot be seen on cameras.

So he'll be... Yes,
that must be him there!

They can't be seen on cameras? I
could've done with that on Newsnight.

Clearly there was enormous emotional attachment
between the perpetrator and his victims.

Yet, when the beast took over...

And as I said, these civilian deaths

are a result of my department's
powers being scaled back.

When we close, the consequences
could be catastrophic!

And I appreciate your concern,

but two deaths are nowhere
near enough to warrant a U-turn.

- Look, I'm sure Special Branch are...
- For Christ's sake, Alistair!

Special Branch haven't got a clue!

After everything I've
done, I can't just...

- After all I've sacrificed!
- Oh, for God's sake, grow up!

You think you're the only one
losing funding, losing a job?!

I have to oversee this, I have to
implement it and if I don't, I lose my job.

And that, my friend, is not an option.

Hal.

Hey, Hal!

Wow! This is nice!

This is nice.

I used to stay in places
like this when I was a kid.

Me and my mum and me sister. Oops!
Sister. That's a sore point. Hello!

HE LAUGHS

- Wasn't Rook supposed to be taking care of you?
- Yeah.

Yeah, no! Er, yeah. He was,
but that's sort of finished now.

So, er...

I got a bit confused and I
did some REALLY BAD THINGS!

And now I feel like I'm
like I'm on the verge.

Not just of doing more bad
things but of NOT CARING!

And the last bit of me,
the last crumb of Crumb...

HE LAUGHS MANICALLY He wants
you to stop it. To save him.

Listen... Listen to me... Listen to me.

You stay away. Because I will kill you.

There is so much more at stake
than you. You are nothing to me now.

You are sediment, you are detritus, you are
regret and disgust and nothing more. You stay away!

I have killed men and women and children, so
just think how easy it will be to kill you.

Well, that's something
we have in common then.

Stay away! No more warnings.

Oh, bravo, bravo, Hal!

That's the spirit.
Keeping out the riff-raff.

Hope you're taking notes, Thomas!

- What the hell is
this? - What? - Mm?

This is a soup spoon.

This is a dessert spoon. This
goes here and this goes here.

And soup, afternoon tea?
Come on, Tom, keep up!

- What difference does it make?
- One is correct...

The other's the work of an
imbecile! Do I have to do everything?

On top of all the other bullshit,
now I've got to mop up after you?!

What is this allergy you
have to doing things right?

You tell him, Hal. Keep him on his toes!

Go away!

Mm! Grrrrrrr!

Hey! Manners, mister.

There's nothing you wouldn't
do to beat me, is there?

But it doesn't matter how far you are up
Patsy's bum, I'm going win this competition.

If only you could! I've been trying
to throw the bloody thing all day!

But no matter how shit I try to
be, you find a way of being shitter!

What's your secret? No
really, I'm dying to know.

Shall we pop in, surprise them?

They're working.
They'll be really grumpy.

Yeah, go on.

Excuse me.

Thank you.

- Boo!
- Did we scare you?!

- What's wrong with him?
- Nothing a silver bullet wouldn't cure.

You really think you're
all it, don't you?

If by "all it" you
mean a competent adult,

capable of making independent decisions
based on intuition and logic, then yes, I do.

The joke's on you then, ain't it? Because by
"all it" I meant a git with a big weird face.

- Is this about this stupid
bloody competition? You're stupid!

Table seven, tea and scones, stat!

I can do it, honestly. I
had it, so I've still got it.

Fine.

- Tea, madam?
- Milk first.

- What?
- Milk first, then tea. So you don't damage the china.

- If you pour the tea first, you can decide how much milk you want.
- Sorry about him. He's new and an idiot.

You're the boss. You're the boss.

Ooh! D'oh!

Whoopsie!

OK. All right.

- That's cool with me. Everything's fine.
- Tom. Tom.

Tom! Tom! TOM!

- Will you stop that!
- WHAT?

I'm so sorry, ladies and
gentlemen! I do apologise!

Clean this up! And then report to me.

The pair of you!

Get her back to the house!

Alex, I want to go home!

Yeah, good call! We'll see
you guys back at the house!

That was brilliant! Did you
see the look on Hal's face?

What's up? I thought you
were having a good time.

There's something I need to
tell you. About why I'm here.

- What is it?
- I'm sorry, Alex.

EVIL VOICE MUTTERING

- What's going on?
- We need to get out of here!

Yeah. Yeah, let's go.

EVIL VOICE MUTTERING

- What's wrong?
- I can't Rentaghost.

Right, it's OK. We're going to have
to do this the old-fashioned way.

EVIL VOICE MUTTERING

DOOR LOCK RATTLES

Who are you?! Come on, show
yourselves! Who are you?!

Oh, God! Oh, God!

Oliver, Oliver! It's all
right! There's nothing there.

- Listen, it's just a trick. See?
- Aaah!

Oliver, listen to me!
It's OK. Look! See?

Look, it's just a trick. Just a trick.

- Aaaaah!
- Oliver!

This isn't fair! I didn't agree to this!

In here. It's OK.

It's OK. I'll look after you.
Whatever happens. I promise you, OK?

POUNDING ON THE DOOR

POUNDING STOPS

I just want to play. Please, Oliver!

I've been looking for you everywhere.
Why do you keep running away from me?

- Open the door.
- What?!

Oliver, you can't keep hiding.

- You have to talk to him, you have to face him.
- I can't!

Oliver, you didn't do anything
wrong, OK? It wasn't your fault.

I wanted him dead! I wished
he was gone! And then he died!

Oliver, I wished my brothers
were gone all the time!

I never meant it though
and neither did you.

It was a terrible accident and
you didn't do anything wrong,

but you have to let go of this.

I didn't make it happen?

I think that's what Albert's been
trying to tell you all this time.

I think that's why he's
been looking for you.

Come on.

Open the door.

DOOR HINGES SQUEAK

I'm sorry, Albert.

I'm so sorry.

Go with him. It's OK.

Thank you.

AAAAAAH!

AAAAAAAH!

LAUGHTER

AAAAAAAH!

I don't understand!
We're back in the attic.

Give him

to
us-s-s!

Not going to happen.

One of you is
coming with us-s-s.

Well, take me.

You would take his place in hell?

He's just a kid!

- Alex!
- No!

No, I promised you that I
would look after you, OK?

This is just what big sisters do.

Right... When Hal and Tom get back,
tell them exactly what happened.

Tell them that this was my
choice, OK? Have you got that?

- OK, let's do this.
- No!

This is what they wanted! The whole thing
was a trap! That's why they sent me here!

So you want to
play with us-s-s...

little girl?

Oliver! Somebody needs you.

- I can't just leave you...
- Oliver, just go!

Hello, Oliver.

Hello, Albert.

And remember to close... the door!

DOOR SLAMS SHUT

How you going to get back now, eh?

How long d'you think that
you can survive in this world?

Not long, I reckon...

slash hope.

OK, any time you want to start bursting
into flames or whatever it is you do, just...

feel free.

You're...

too late.

The end

has begun.

Night

will fall.

And he...

will...

RIIIISSSE!

- I don't know how I can have allowed myself to get dragged into this ridiculous...
- No.

I know all too well
how it happened, Hal.

It's him! The Svengali!
The arch manipulator!

He may look like someone's pulled
a monkey from a tree and shaved it.

That's how he drags people
into his theatre of lies.

You've met Tom, haven't
you? You've spoken to him?

Nah, she's right.

I knew as soon as I seen this place
I wouldn't fit in. Who was I kidding?

You've left me no choice, Tom. Pack
up your things and get out of here.

- No... Patsy, don't you think...?
- I've made my decision.

This whole experience has
been incredibly stressful.

So, Hal, if you wanted to give me
a back-rub that would be fine...

Now you listen to me.

If you want this place to succeed, then Tom
McNair is exactly the sort of employee you need.

The problem with you, Patsy, is
that you are an inveterate snob.

You'd rather reward someone who
is well spoken and disinterested,

than someone who is a little rough
around the edges but utterly committed.

That is not an environment I wish
to work in. So if he goes, I go.

Well, that was stupid. Now
none of us have got a job.

I think the phrase you're
looking for is "thank you".

- What is it? What's wrong?
- Where's Oliver?

He's gone.

SEAGULLS CRY

Mr Crumb...?

Sent you to find me, did he?

No. I'm not part of that world any more.

I'd run along if I were
you. I haven't had my tea.

That's why I wanted
to see you, Mr Crumb.

My work with the Department
has compromised me.

I've got very little
humanity left to lose now.

I want you to recruit me.

This is another trick.

I would never lie to a
player of Flaming Orc.

You are... a Fellow Traveller?

I have been known to drink a
flagon of mead at Gedruff's Tavern.

No, the agents of the Spider-King have many
disguises and they riddle most prettily.

Your caution does you credit.

Imagine you're in the citadel.

Before you, the diamond
dragon, what do you do?

Why, use the invisibility
hex, of course.

What, against the diamond dragon?!

Oh no, I'm thinking
of the crystal dragon!

Oh my God, you must think
I'm a right noob! Ha!

You close your eyes, put your
faith in the Flaming Orc...

and roll the dice.

♪ She's not coming home

♪ Tonight

♪ She's says that she's left

♪ For ever

♪ And you're staying in the house... ♪

Love you, Sis.

♪ Where she's going to live

♪ For ever

♪ And the memories grow

♪ It reminds there's no-one there

♪ Time is nothing but a lie

♪ If she's not coming

♪ Home tonight

♪ Da-da,
da-da... ♪

Time to say goodbye.

Of course. It's what we expected.

Not to you, you idiot. To them. To this.

Really?

They've started rebuilding their world.

As the distance gets greater and greater,
they're just going to get stronger and stronger.

To watch that happen will
be like slowly dying again.

I've got to move on, as much as they do.

Come on. Let's go home.

One thing I don't understand.

OK, I get the fact that the Men
with Sticks and Ropes were after me,

cos that's what they do
- go after ghosts that haven't moved on but...

I thought they couldn't
cross into this plane?

They can't. Not in their true form.

Well, they managed it somehow.

And there was something else as well.
Before they left, he said, "He will rise. "

What does that mean? Who will rise?

It's as if something's changing. As if the
barriers between the worlds are becoming weaker.

- And that's not good, is it?
- No. That is very not good.

ENGINE STARTS

- ANSWER MACHINE BEEPS
- 'Hello, it's Patsy.

'I'm just phoning to say
maybe you were right, Hal... '

Perhaps I was a little hasty.

And we're short staffed as it is,
so let's let bygones be bygones.

I'll expect you both
in at the usual time.

You made the right decision.

It's going to be all hands
on deck, because, erm...

Come here, sweetheart.

Your blood pressure's about
to go through the roof.

But that's modern living
for you. The stress.

Oh, you've got something on your...

Do you need a tissue?
I've got one somewhere.

I'm sorry! This one's a bit snotty.

There, this one's not too bad.

Oh, now you got something on your face.

Oh!

And I'm all out of tissues.
Isn't that a nuisance?

Best part of a century
I've waited for this.

Stuck in this chair, in this body.

HE LAUGHS

And now here they are.

A vampire and a werewolf,

under the same roof!

HE CHUCKLES

It's as if someone's
smuggled in a file in a cake.

And all I have to do
is stir them up a bit

and wait for the power to rise

and carry me out of
here on a great wave.

HE LAUGHS

Trinity though.

I don't like that.

The ghost will have to go.

I sent some of my boys round, but
she's a stubborn bit of gristle.

I'll think of something.

I'm getting stronger every day.

And when the time is right, I will rise.

And then...

I'm going to drain the world dry.

I'm going to lap up every
drop of hope and love

and feel it run down my chin.

I'm going to turn men into beasts,

and ruin their women and spit
poison into their children.

I'm going to scorch the earth

with proper Old Testament despair.

And teach them that the
Gods are there to be feared.

And everything you love will die and
everything you're scared of will come true.

Ugh!

You're a right old state.

HE LAUGHS

You need to freshen up, my love.

Why don't you go take a dip in the sea?

HE CHUCKLES

Now it's been a while, so
I might be a wee bit rusty.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT AND STARTS TO PLAY

SHE PLAYS A WALTZ BADLY

I've still got it!

This is brilliant. Now I've got all the time
in the world to really focus on my music.

Just like falling off a log!

- Certainly sounds like it.
- What?

It's lovely! It's beautiful.

HER PLAYING CONTINUES

Time to dust off that
bikini and hit the beach.

Larry Chrysler will see you there!

GROWLING

Yeah, there's a new player in town and he's
got the skills and the looks and the motivation.

Lady Mary...

allow me to introduce Alex.

I don't have a family. I don't have
any hobbies. The job was my life...

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd