Beef House (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Prunes - full transcript
Goddamn, Ben!
Man, don't be
sitting around down here
watching that VR porn shit.
Take that shit up to your room,
goddamn it.
I tried to watch the ding dang
porn, but it's not working.
Let me take a look at that shit.
I said I was sorry, honey.
Forget it.
I will shower at the station.
It's just that he's not
feeling well right now.
Well, why can't he shit
in his own bathroom?
- He tried!
- And this place is a mess!
Look. I am on
a stakeout tonight,
and when I get back
in the morning,
you idiots better
have cleaned up good.
Okay. We promise we'll clean up,
and I love you so much.
Ron! What the heck
are you doing?!
Ben's computer has got
a virus here.
You downloading
some naughty stuff, Ben?
It has a virus.
I don't get no goddamn virus.
I am VIP member.
I should have porn.
Don't worry. I'll install
an antivirus software
on that later once we
clean up this mess.
WTF?
Is there a bear upstairs?
That's Tim.
He's all bunged up.
He's been constipated for days.
Any luck?
Nope, nothing.
I can't go.
It's been, I don't know,
3, 4 days totally clogged.
Have you tried some prunes,
dude?
Einstein, have you
picked up a paper lately?
Ron, you don't know that we have
a huge global prune shortage?
No shit?
LOL, you don't know
about the prunes?
Hey, dipshit?
There are no prunes, okay,
because there's
a prune shortage.
- Right.
- Take your head out of your ass,
clear off the shit
and get involved
with what's going on
in current events.
No prunes.
Okay. Okay.
I get it -- No prunes.
What the hell
are we going to do?
What about nice hot bath?
No hot bath.
The warm water could trigger
a chain reaction
and blow your ass out.
Tennessee is right. You got
to take things really slow
when it comes to your bowels.
Go too fast, blow that ass out.
Well, we don't want that.
It's like Grand Central Station
around here.
Hi, Lana.
Hi, big boy.
I need to use your shower.
Is that okay?
The bathroom and me
are not exactly
BFFs right now,
so she's all yours.
Hey, Lana, what's wrong
with your shower?
I'm having some work done,
and they had to turn
the water off for a bit.
Yeah, what kind of work?
I'm putting a hot tub in.
What do you say you and me have
a nice soak tonight, 7:00 p.m.?
It's going to get steamy.
You guys, this is my big chance
to make it with Lana,
but if I sit in that hot tub,
I'm going to blow my ass out!
All right. Let me just add
this new directory here,
and, Ben, the antivirus
is all set up.
You should be good to go.
Good because I need
to watch the movie
and make a splish-splash.
Okay. Well, you can make
a splish-splash later.
Right now, we got
to clean this house
or Megan is going
to whup my butt.
I bet you my ass
that's Megan calling.
Let me check.
Hey, honey.
How are you?
Told you, asshole!
Yes. I was just talking
to the Beef Boys
about cleaning up the mess.
It will be done
when you're home.
I promise. I love you,
and maybe tonight --
Hello?
Bitch done hung up on you?
Any movement?
Nothing, it's just all still
bunged up in my belly.
I don't know what's going on.
I've been drinking milk.
I've been trying to clear it
out, and I got nothing,
and my hot tub date
with Lana is 2 hours away!
You're drinking your milk
and you're taking your pills,
and your still bunged up?
I've never been this bunged.
Usually I'm regular.
Usually I'm three,
four times a day.
Dang it!
I wish there was something
I could do.
Got it!
Here's the plan.
We're going to get a nice,
long tube.
We're going to shove one end
of it up Tim's asshole.
We run the other end
out to our toilet.
Are you nuts? What the hell
is Lana going to think
when she sees me sitting
in her hot tub
with a tube running
out of my ass?
No! I'm going to run the tube
through one of the hot tub jets.
What you need to do is
make sure you park it
next to the right jet.
You sit down, connect the tube,
kick back, and let the hot
water, pfft, do its thing.
This plan may just work,
but you need to distract Lana
long enough
so Ron can connect
the tube to the hot tub.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I can stall.
I'll just turn on my pimp game
and give her a little
of my something-something.
Ooh, baby, I like it.
Ben Hur, special assignment --
I need you to make
a special pair of swim trunks
with the proper connecting valve
that we can attach to Tim's
puckering little ass.
No problem.
Well, I really love
this plan conceptually.
I'm just having a little bit
of a hard time visualizing it.
I'm not.
Beef.
We got bubbles in the tub
and bubbles down my throat.
Aw, you're so funny.
Yeah, well, I'm musical, too.
You know, I got
my home studio set up now.
Wow. And I got my media actually
routed now to my e-drums,
so I can basically program
any drum set I want.
I love drummers.
Yeah. Well, I drum, keys,
a little guitar, solos mostly.
- Wow.
- But other than that, you know,
I've had some back problems
which I'm treating with pills.
Well, this would help with that.
Yeah.
Speaking of, what do you say
you slip out of that robe,
and we hop on in?
I love it.
Yeah.
But first, what about a refill
of your world-famous
champagne fruit cocktail?
I like the way you think.
I'll be right back, hot stuff.
Okay!
Take your time!
No rush!
Hey, Ron, coast is clear!
Hurry up.
She's going to be right back.
You sure this is going to work?
Yes, sir. Trust me.
Ooh, yeah.
Pfft. Okay.
Yeah. I think it's in.
That actually feels pretty good.
Tubes are all ready.
Just let the hot water
do its thing.
All right. Get that tube
back to the Beef House,
and make sure it's pointed
right in the toilet.
I've been bunged up for weeks.
We're going to have
a major evacuation.
No worries.
- Good luck on your date.
- Okay.
You bad boy!
You got in without me.
Well, I just wanted to acclimate
myself to the hot water.
All right.
We got the vacuuming done.
The floors are scrubbed,
couch is in order,
fluff the pillows, looking good.
It's all cleaned up,
just like you promised Megan.
What the heck?
Ron?
What are you doing?
The tube has got to go
all the way into the toilet.
Tim could blow at any second!
Sorry, dude.
This is all the tube I got!
How you doing, baby,
too hot for you?
No, it's just right.
Shall I come over there?
Can you just -- Just give me
a minute real quick?
Whoa!
Ohhhhhhhhhh!
No, Tim's blowing his ass out!
- Turn it off!
- Say what?
Aah!
He's blowing his ass out!
Wow, a little premature,
but sexy.
I really do turn you on,
don't I?
I hope you have the stamina
for round two.
Speaking of round two --
Ohhhhhhh!
No!
He's not done yet!
Aah!
Looks like the son of a bitch
has blown his ass out good.
Yeah, baby.
That was amazing.
Why don't you come over here?
What's the matter?
Don't you want me?
Lana, you have no idea.
Can I be honest with you?
Right now, I have a tube
coming out of my ass
and out of your hot tub
back to the Beef House
and into a toilet.
You want to know why?
Yeah.
Because for the past
several days,
I've been bunged up.
I have not been able to go.
The guys were worried that
if I sat in this hot tub,
I would blow my ass out,
but the good news is,
my belly full of diarrhea
is safely back in
the Beef House toilet.
Well, if you're so bunged up,
why didn't you
just eat some prunes?
Hello, Lana, prune shortage?
Honey, that's why
you got to hoard.
I got a whole basement
full of prunes.
Next time, come over,
and we'll have a prune feast.
Love it.
Now, how about you
unplug yourself
from my hot tub
and get over here?
I could use a little help.
One, two, three.
All right, Beef Boys.
Megan is coming back soon,
so we got to make sure
there's no traces
of Tim's diarrhea anywhere.
Good morning, Beef Boys.
- Yo.
- Hey, T!
How'd that steamy
hot tub date go?
Well, let's just say I blew
two loads last night,
one white, one brown.
I'm glad you had a great time,
Tim,
but we're still cleaning up
load number two.
Whoa, whoa,
what happened in here?
Goddamn tube was too short.
Feel like an asshole.
Sorry.
Shit happens.
- Megan is here.
- All right, guys.
Get rid of all these shit towels
and bags right now!
Ben, toss that mop!
Okay.
Tennessee, behind here!
My God.
What am I going to do
with this last bag of shit?
Toss it over here, Ron!
Hi, honey.
Megan.
Wow, guys.
This place looks amazing!
I have got to say,
I am impressed.
Beef Boys always
keep their promise.
- It's true.
- What's that smell?
Oops. It's on me.
I'm sorry.
I beefed.
I ate a bad load of eggs.
I make stinky beef, too.
I made a baby beef,
but it's rank.
Yep.
Megan, the truth is,
the Beef Boys had a bad case
of gas this morning.
Tennessee fried up some eggs,
and the eggs turned out
to be rotten.
It's just one of those things.
We'll just open up the doors
and the windows
and air that stinky beef out.
All right. Well, on that note,
I'm going to shower.
- All right?
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Great job, guys.
- Thank you.
- Thank you!
Love you, honey.
Sorry about that stink
from my ass.
- Yes! It worked!
- We did it!
- Aah!
- Get in here.
- Wow.
- Nice work, guys!
- Aw, amazing.
- I'll tell you what.
She had no idea
that three hours ago,
this place was covered
in my diarrhea!
- My God.
- Yeah.
And way to think on your toes,
Ron, about that group beef.
Yeah, yeah.
Aw, yeah.
Man, don't be
sitting around down here
watching that VR porn shit.
Take that shit up to your room,
goddamn it.
I tried to watch the ding dang
porn, but it's not working.
Let me take a look at that shit.
I said I was sorry, honey.
Forget it.
I will shower at the station.
It's just that he's not
feeling well right now.
Well, why can't he shit
in his own bathroom?
- He tried!
- And this place is a mess!
Look. I am on
a stakeout tonight,
and when I get back
in the morning,
you idiots better
have cleaned up good.
Okay. We promise we'll clean up,
and I love you so much.
Ron! What the heck
are you doing?!
Ben's computer has got
a virus here.
You downloading
some naughty stuff, Ben?
It has a virus.
I don't get no goddamn virus.
I am VIP member.
I should have porn.
Don't worry. I'll install
an antivirus software
on that later once we
clean up this mess.
WTF?
Is there a bear upstairs?
That's Tim.
He's all bunged up.
He's been constipated for days.
Any luck?
Nope, nothing.
I can't go.
It's been, I don't know,
3, 4 days totally clogged.
Have you tried some prunes,
dude?
Einstein, have you
picked up a paper lately?
Ron, you don't know that we have
a huge global prune shortage?
No shit?
LOL, you don't know
about the prunes?
Hey, dipshit?
There are no prunes, okay,
because there's
a prune shortage.
- Right.
- Take your head out of your ass,
clear off the shit
and get involved
with what's going on
in current events.
No prunes.
Okay. Okay.
I get it -- No prunes.
What the hell
are we going to do?
What about nice hot bath?
No hot bath.
The warm water could trigger
a chain reaction
and blow your ass out.
Tennessee is right. You got
to take things really slow
when it comes to your bowels.
Go too fast, blow that ass out.
Well, we don't want that.
It's like Grand Central Station
around here.
Hi, Lana.
Hi, big boy.
I need to use your shower.
Is that okay?
The bathroom and me
are not exactly
BFFs right now,
so she's all yours.
Hey, Lana, what's wrong
with your shower?
I'm having some work done,
and they had to turn
the water off for a bit.
Yeah, what kind of work?
I'm putting a hot tub in.
What do you say you and me have
a nice soak tonight, 7:00 p.m.?
It's going to get steamy.
You guys, this is my big chance
to make it with Lana,
but if I sit in that hot tub,
I'm going to blow my ass out!
All right. Let me just add
this new directory here,
and, Ben, the antivirus
is all set up.
You should be good to go.
Good because I need
to watch the movie
and make a splish-splash.
Okay. Well, you can make
a splish-splash later.
Right now, we got
to clean this house
or Megan is going
to whup my butt.
I bet you my ass
that's Megan calling.
Let me check.
Hey, honey.
How are you?
Told you, asshole!
Yes. I was just talking
to the Beef Boys
about cleaning up the mess.
It will be done
when you're home.
I promise. I love you,
and maybe tonight --
Hello?
Bitch done hung up on you?
Any movement?
Nothing, it's just all still
bunged up in my belly.
I don't know what's going on.
I've been drinking milk.
I've been trying to clear it
out, and I got nothing,
and my hot tub date
with Lana is 2 hours away!
You're drinking your milk
and you're taking your pills,
and your still bunged up?
I've never been this bunged.
Usually I'm regular.
Usually I'm three,
four times a day.
Dang it!
I wish there was something
I could do.
Got it!
Here's the plan.
We're going to get a nice,
long tube.
We're going to shove one end
of it up Tim's asshole.
We run the other end
out to our toilet.
Are you nuts? What the hell
is Lana going to think
when she sees me sitting
in her hot tub
with a tube running
out of my ass?
No! I'm going to run the tube
through one of the hot tub jets.
What you need to do is
make sure you park it
next to the right jet.
You sit down, connect the tube,
kick back, and let the hot
water, pfft, do its thing.
This plan may just work,
but you need to distract Lana
long enough
so Ron can connect
the tube to the hot tub.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I can stall.
I'll just turn on my pimp game
and give her a little
of my something-something.
Ooh, baby, I like it.
Ben Hur, special assignment --
I need you to make
a special pair of swim trunks
with the proper connecting valve
that we can attach to Tim's
puckering little ass.
No problem.
Well, I really love
this plan conceptually.
I'm just having a little bit
of a hard time visualizing it.
I'm not.
Beef.
We got bubbles in the tub
and bubbles down my throat.
Aw, you're so funny.
Yeah, well, I'm musical, too.
You know, I got
my home studio set up now.
Wow. And I got my media actually
routed now to my e-drums,
so I can basically program
any drum set I want.
I love drummers.
Yeah. Well, I drum, keys,
a little guitar, solos mostly.
- Wow.
- But other than that, you know,
I've had some back problems
which I'm treating with pills.
Well, this would help with that.
Yeah.
Speaking of, what do you say
you slip out of that robe,
and we hop on in?
I love it.
Yeah.
But first, what about a refill
of your world-famous
champagne fruit cocktail?
I like the way you think.
I'll be right back, hot stuff.
Okay!
Take your time!
No rush!
Hey, Ron, coast is clear!
Hurry up.
She's going to be right back.
You sure this is going to work?
Yes, sir. Trust me.
Ooh, yeah.
Pfft. Okay.
Yeah. I think it's in.
That actually feels pretty good.
Tubes are all ready.
Just let the hot water
do its thing.
All right. Get that tube
back to the Beef House,
and make sure it's pointed
right in the toilet.
I've been bunged up for weeks.
We're going to have
a major evacuation.
No worries.
- Good luck on your date.
- Okay.
You bad boy!
You got in without me.
Well, I just wanted to acclimate
myself to the hot water.
All right.
We got the vacuuming done.
The floors are scrubbed,
couch is in order,
fluff the pillows, looking good.
It's all cleaned up,
just like you promised Megan.
What the heck?
Ron?
What are you doing?
The tube has got to go
all the way into the toilet.
Tim could blow at any second!
Sorry, dude.
This is all the tube I got!
How you doing, baby,
too hot for you?
No, it's just right.
Shall I come over there?
Can you just -- Just give me
a minute real quick?
Whoa!
Ohhhhhhhhhh!
No, Tim's blowing his ass out!
- Turn it off!
- Say what?
Aah!
He's blowing his ass out!
Wow, a little premature,
but sexy.
I really do turn you on,
don't I?
I hope you have the stamina
for round two.
Speaking of round two --
Ohhhhhhh!
No!
He's not done yet!
Aah!
Looks like the son of a bitch
has blown his ass out good.
Yeah, baby.
That was amazing.
Why don't you come over here?
What's the matter?
Don't you want me?
Lana, you have no idea.
Can I be honest with you?
Right now, I have a tube
coming out of my ass
and out of your hot tub
back to the Beef House
and into a toilet.
You want to know why?
Yeah.
Because for the past
several days,
I've been bunged up.
I have not been able to go.
The guys were worried that
if I sat in this hot tub,
I would blow my ass out,
but the good news is,
my belly full of diarrhea
is safely back in
the Beef House toilet.
Well, if you're so bunged up,
why didn't you
just eat some prunes?
Hello, Lana, prune shortage?
Honey, that's why
you got to hoard.
I got a whole basement
full of prunes.
Next time, come over,
and we'll have a prune feast.
Love it.
Now, how about you
unplug yourself
from my hot tub
and get over here?
I could use a little help.
One, two, three.
All right, Beef Boys.
Megan is coming back soon,
so we got to make sure
there's no traces
of Tim's diarrhea anywhere.
Good morning, Beef Boys.
- Yo.
- Hey, T!
How'd that steamy
hot tub date go?
Well, let's just say I blew
two loads last night,
one white, one brown.
I'm glad you had a great time,
Tim,
but we're still cleaning up
load number two.
Whoa, whoa,
what happened in here?
Goddamn tube was too short.
Feel like an asshole.
Sorry.
Shit happens.
- Megan is here.
- All right, guys.
Get rid of all these shit towels
and bags right now!
Ben, toss that mop!
Okay.
Tennessee, behind here!
My God.
What am I going to do
with this last bag of shit?
Toss it over here, Ron!
Hi, honey.
Megan.
Wow, guys.
This place looks amazing!
I have got to say,
I am impressed.
Beef Boys always
keep their promise.
- It's true.
- What's that smell?
Oops. It's on me.
I'm sorry.
I beefed.
I ate a bad load of eggs.
I make stinky beef, too.
I made a baby beef,
but it's rank.
Yep.
Megan, the truth is,
the Beef Boys had a bad case
of gas this morning.
Tennessee fried up some eggs,
and the eggs turned out
to be rotten.
It's just one of those things.
We'll just open up the doors
and the windows
and air that stinky beef out.
All right. Well, on that note,
I'm going to shower.
- All right?
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Great job, guys.
- Thank you.
- Thank you!
Love you, honey.
Sorry about that stink
from my ass.
- Yes! It worked!
- We did it!
- Aah!
- Get in here.
- Wow.
- Nice work, guys!
- Aw, amazing.
- I'll tell you what.
She had no idea
that three hours ago,
this place was covered
in my diarrhea!
- My God.
- Yeah.
And way to think on your toes,
Ron, about that group beef.
Yeah, yeah.
Aw, yeah.