Beef House (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Bus Driver - full transcript
All right, losers.
The game is five alive.
Deuces and twos are wild.
- Whoo-hoo!
- Good luck, everybody,
and don't forget
this is strip poker,
so get ready to show me
the good stuff.
I better win,
or y'all going to see
the tip of my pepper.
I wouldn't mind
seeing that pepper.
Y'all going to see
my nipples soon enough.
Ever since you guys
became my neighbors,
I can't wait
for these game nights.
Well, we can't wait to see
what you got under
that pink sweatshirt!
Whoo!
Nothing beats game night
at the Beef House.
Everybody show!
Ben, you owe me some gold.
- Drop down.
- Take it off, Ben Hur.
Show me those Serbian titties.
Yes!
- He shoots. He scores.
- That is hot, Tim.
Yay! All right!
Let's get another one going.
Double or nothing.
Hey, hey, how about
another beer, bartender?
Very funny.
Hey, um, glad you guys
are having such a great time,
and, Tim, I love
that gold blouse,
but it's time to wrap it up
because I got to go to bed.
But why?
You don't have a job.
Okay, Mr. Smarty Pants.
I, in fact, do have a job.
Okay.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, what?
- You've got a job?
- You're bullshitting.
Yes, I do have a job.
Tomorrow morning, I start
as a big-boy bus driver.
Wait a minute, you're going
to be a big-boy bus driver?
That's right.
Tomorrow is my first day,
so I need a solid 8 hours
of sleep, okay, everyone?
All right, Mr. big-boy
bus driver.
We'll keep it down.
We'll be quiet as church mice.
Thanks, buddy.
2, 3, 4...
Hey!
Good night, Mr. big-boy
bus driver.
Good night!
Honey, I know you're sleeping,
but I just want to tell you
I love you, and I really
respect our marriage,
and that's why I have
a surprise for you.
I got a job as a big-boy
bus driver,
and I start in the morning,
and I hope
you'll be proud of me.
I love you.
Okay. Time for my solid
8 hours of sleep.
There we go.
Pass it over!
- Give it up.
- Pass it over.
- Shh!
- There we go.
I'm trying to sleep!
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
There he is,
my big-boy bus driver.
- How you feeling this morning?
- Not too hot.
You guys kept me up all night.
I got that stupid song
still in my head.
Have no fear, my big-boy
bus commandeer.
Ron just brewed up
a fresh pot of joe,
and I got some for you.
All you got to do is
guzzle down that rocket fuel,
and you will be on autopilot
all day long, my friend.
- It's a little hot.
- It's strong too, yeah. Thanks.
All right. Good luck.
Get out there.
You're going to do great.
Give me a kiss.
All right.
Go get them, big-boy bus driver!
Here we go.
Hey, Boro. If you hurry up,
you can catch Eric.
He'll give you a ride
to school today.
I'm not going to school.
I couldn't sleep.
I had very bad night diarrhea.
I need to go get
some wet paper towels.
This new brand of decaf tastes
just as good as the real shit.
And it don't even
give me the jitters.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
wait a minute. Decaf?!
Shit.
Beef.
What's going on?
Nothing.
Everything is fine.
What time is it? I thought you
were driving the bus all day.
I'm just going to go nap.
Holy shit. I'm on my way.
Now what?
City bus accident.
Lots of people dead.
The bus drove right off
a bridge.
Everyone but the bus driver
drowned in the lake.
It's horrible.
Got to go.
But just...
O to the M to the F to the G!
I'm busy!
Eric, I'm coming in, okay?
Now, I know something is up.
All right? I'm not stupid.
I can figure things out.
You come home all dirty,
and then I found out what's --
Whoa, whoa!
It's my leg.
It's my leg.
I'm going to take a look, okay?
- Aah!
- My God!
The bone is poking out
of my skin!
Here's what we're going to do.
Does that hurt?
Aah!
Does it hurt when I touch the bone?
Aah!
Is that a yes?
Yes!
Okay, it's a bad break,
but good news is,
it's a clean break.
So I'm going to count to 3.
I'm going to set that bone.
You're going to feel
a lot better. Okay?
Okay. Good.
Do it. Do it. Do it.
Three, two, one!
Aah!
That actually feels better.
How'd you know how to do that?
I don't know. Ever since I got
this Ben Hur power shirt,
I've been able to do
just about anything I want.
It's got, like, superpowers
or something.
It's a powerful blouse.
All right, Eric.
You tell me right now
what the hell happened.
One second I was driving
the big-boy bus,
and I was slamming
that rocket fuel,
and the next minute I know,
I'm at the bottom of the lake.
Decaf, shit.
Tim, Megan's gonna find out.
I'm going to go to jail.
What am I going to do?!
Hey, hey, the Beef Boys
are going to figure out
how to get you out of this jam.
- Beef.
- It's been a tragic day.
Everyone aboard a full city bus
this morning has died.
Excuse me.
Okay, we have some
breaking news.
We have a clip
of the bus security cam
of the driver that we will
play for you right now.
Shit!
I have not yet seen this video,
so this will be the first time
I see the bus driver.
I can't look.
Is it you?
Eric?
I'm going to jail
for the rest of my life!
Aah!
This is very bad
for our Beef House.
Yeah, Eric, I've got
a confession to make.
That wasn't rocket fuel
I gave you this morning.
It was a pot of Ron's
bullshit decaf.
Don't be bad-mouthing my decaf,
you asshole!
Your decaf is total shit.
It caused mass murder.
You want to rock, Ben Hur?
Here, right now.
Hey, you don't be telling me
about my decaf.
If you don't like it,
you don't have to drink.
Nobody said you have to drink --
Hey! Wait a minute!
Everybody!
Everybody, cool out!
Ben Hur, sit down.
The point is everybody
in this room
is responsible for getting
Eric into this trouble,
and now we've got to figure out
a way to get him out.
Any ideas?
I got nothing.
Come on, power shirt,
give me some of that something-something.
That's it! I got it!
Eric, is that bus still
at the bottom of that lake?
Last I saw.
Ron, you still got that scuba suit?
You know damn well I do, dude.
No, no, no, your hands are too big.
I need little hands.
That's it, Boro!
Ron, I need you and Boro
to get down to the lake
with your scuba suit and get
a scuba suit for Boro, too.
Where the hell am I going to
get a little boy's scuba suit?
I don't give a shit!
Just get it done!
Okay, I'll get down to the
little boy's scuba suit emporium.
Great. I'll text you
the plan on the way.
10-4.
Thanks, guys.
Do you have any idea
how this looks for me
to be married
to a psychopath killer
who flees a crime scene?!
You don't have to answer
that one.
What are you doing here, Tim?
I am Eric's
new defense attorney.
Let me ask you a question,
"detective."
What if my client here
is totally innocent?
How do you even know
it was him driving the bus?
All your eyewitness are
at the bottom of a lake!
What the hell are you
talking about?
We have video of him.
He broke his leg
in the accident.
This is a cut-and-dry case.
Hang on a second.
Yo, me and Boro
are down here at the lake.
Ready to jump in and take
care of that business,
but I've got to say, this lake
is colder than witch's tit.
That's cool. That's what
the wet suit is for, Ron.
Just get in!
Detective, is there a chance
it was mechanical failure
or perhaps, a brake line
got cut somehow?
What if my client here
should be regarded
as an American hero
for going out there,
getting into the workforce
to support his family,
and to show the woman he loves
how much he loves her?
We haven't examined the bus yet,
so I suppose it's a possibility.
That's what I thought.
And I do appreciate
the effort to get a job.
Thank you, hon.
Let me talk to my supervisor.
You do that.
- That's it, Boro.
- Do the cut, cut.
Good boy, hit the line.
That's it.
Thank you, Ron.
Thank you, Boro.
Hey, you know what?
This might just work.
Hurry up, Tim. The press
conference is about to start.
All right.
Let's hope this works.
I am happy to announce
that the murders
of 64 innocent bus riders
was not actually due to
the bus driver's negligence,
but mechanical failure.
Yes!
We dredged the bus from the lake
and discovered
a faulty brake line.
And the big-boy bus driver,
Eric, is actually a hero.
I know if he could have,
he would have tried
to save those people,
and I'm proud to call
this man my husband.
- Aah!
- Yay!
- We did it!
- Now, that is how you do it.
Thank you guys so much for
covering up my mass murder.
I appreciate it.
And, Ron,
your operation was lit.
Hey, don't thank me.
Thank Boro's
tiny little fingers.
It was scary to think
I could have been on that bus.
Hey, you should just be grateful
for that damn night diarrhea
this morning.
That shit saved
your goddamn life, Boro.
Hey, let's not forget Ben Hur.
Ben, I just want to thank you
for hooking me up
with this Serbian power shirt
that gave me this nutty idea
to save Eric's ass,
and it helped me become
a big-boy lawyer.
Okay.
Megan! Megan!
Megan! Megan!
How's my hero holding up?
I'm doing okay.
The morphine wore off,
so Ben Hur gave me
some of his poppers,
so I'm feeling fine.
To be honest with you,
it just feels wonderful
to be finally acknowledged
as a hero.
I am so proud of you,
and I just want to let you know
that you can take a break from
looking for a job for a while.
- I've got us covered.
- Thank you, honey.
And I think I'm going to let you
watch TV with me tonight.
Wait a minute.
Why are you guys
wearing scuba suits?
I left something on the stove.
Be right back.
I can explain that,
um, you see...
The game is five alive.
Deuces and twos are wild.
- Whoo-hoo!
- Good luck, everybody,
and don't forget
this is strip poker,
so get ready to show me
the good stuff.
I better win,
or y'all going to see
the tip of my pepper.
I wouldn't mind
seeing that pepper.
Y'all going to see
my nipples soon enough.
Ever since you guys
became my neighbors,
I can't wait
for these game nights.
Well, we can't wait to see
what you got under
that pink sweatshirt!
Whoo!
Nothing beats game night
at the Beef House.
Everybody show!
Ben, you owe me some gold.
- Drop down.
- Take it off, Ben Hur.
Show me those Serbian titties.
Yes!
- He shoots. He scores.
- That is hot, Tim.
Yay! All right!
Let's get another one going.
Double or nothing.
Hey, hey, how about
another beer, bartender?
Very funny.
Hey, um, glad you guys
are having such a great time,
and, Tim, I love
that gold blouse,
but it's time to wrap it up
because I got to go to bed.
But why?
You don't have a job.
Okay, Mr. Smarty Pants.
I, in fact, do have a job.
Okay.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, what?
- You've got a job?
- You're bullshitting.
Yes, I do have a job.
Tomorrow morning, I start
as a big-boy bus driver.
Wait a minute, you're going
to be a big-boy bus driver?
That's right.
Tomorrow is my first day,
so I need a solid 8 hours
of sleep, okay, everyone?
All right, Mr. big-boy
bus driver.
We'll keep it down.
We'll be quiet as church mice.
Thanks, buddy.
2, 3, 4...
Hey!
Good night, Mr. big-boy
bus driver.
Good night!
Honey, I know you're sleeping,
but I just want to tell you
I love you, and I really
respect our marriage,
and that's why I have
a surprise for you.
I got a job as a big-boy
bus driver,
and I start in the morning,
and I hope
you'll be proud of me.
I love you.
Okay. Time for my solid
8 hours of sleep.
There we go.
Pass it over!
- Give it up.
- Pass it over.
- Shh!
- There we go.
I'm trying to sleep!
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
There he is,
my big-boy bus driver.
- How you feeling this morning?
- Not too hot.
You guys kept me up all night.
I got that stupid song
still in my head.
Have no fear, my big-boy
bus commandeer.
Ron just brewed up
a fresh pot of joe,
and I got some for you.
All you got to do is
guzzle down that rocket fuel,
and you will be on autopilot
all day long, my friend.
- It's a little hot.
- It's strong too, yeah. Thanks.
All right. Good luck.
Get out there.
You're going to do great.
Give me a kiss.
All right.
Go get them, big-boy bus driver!
Here we go.
Hey, Boro. If you hurry up,
you can catch Eric.
He'll give you a ride
to school today.
I'm not going to school.
I couldn't sleep.
I had very bad night diarrhea.
I need to go get
some wet paper towels.
This new brand of decaf tastes
just as good as the real shit.
And it don't even
give me the jitters.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
wait a minute. Decaf?!
Shit.
Beef.
What's going on?
Nothing.
Everything is fine.
What time is it? I thought you
were driving the bus all day.
I'm just going to go nap.
Holy shit. I'm on my way.
Now what?
City bus accident.
Lots of people dead.
The bus drove right off
a bridge.
Everyone but the bus driver
drowned in the lake.
It's horrible.
Got to go.
But just...
O to the M to the F to the G!
I'm busy!
Eric, I'm coming in, okay?
Now, I know something is up.
All right? I'm not stupid.
I can figure things out.
You come home all dirty,
and then I found out what's --
Whoa, whoa!
It's my leg.
It's my leg.
I'm going to take a look, okay?
- Aah!
- My God!
The bone is poking out
of my skin!
Here's what we're going to do.
Does that hurt?
Aah!
Does it hurt when I touch the bone?
Aah!
Is that a yes?
Yes!
Okay, it's a bad break,
but good news is,
it's a clean break.
So I'm going to count to 3.
I'm going to set that bone.
You're going to feel
a lot better. Okay?
Okay. Good.
Do it. Do it. Do it.
Three, two, one!
Aah!
That actually feels better.
How'd you know how to do that?
I don't know. Ever since I got
this Ben Hur power shirt,
I've been able to do
just about anything I want.
It's got, like, superpowers
or something.
It's a powerful blouse.
All right, Eric.
You tell me right now
what the hell happened.
One second I was driving
the big-boy bus,
and I was slamming
that rocket fuel,
and the next minute I know,
I'm at the bottom of the lake.
Decaf, shit.
Tim, Megan's gonna find out.
I'm going to go to jail.
What am I going to do?!
Hey, hey, the Beef Boys
are going to figure out
how to get you out of this jam.
- Beef.
- It's been a tragic day.
Everyone aboard a full city bus
this morning has died.
Excuse me.
Okay, we have some
breaking news.
We have a clip
of the bus security cam
of the driver that we will
play for you right now.
Shit!
I have not yet seen this video,
so this will be the first time
I see the bus driver.
I can't look.
Is it you?
Eric?
I'm going to jail
for the rest of my life!
Aah!
This is very bad
for our Beef House.
Yeah, Eric, I've got
a confession to make.
That wasn't rocket fuel
I gave you this morning.
It was a pot of Ron's
bullshit decaf.
Don't be bad-mouthing my decaf,
you asshole!
Your decaf is total shit.
It caused mass murder.
You want to rock, Ben Hur?
Here, right now.
Hey, you don't be telling me
about my decaf.
If you don't like it,
you don't have to drink.
Nobody said you have to drink --
Hey! Wait a minute!
Everybody!
Everybody, cool out!
Ben Hur, sit down.
The point is everybody
in this room
is responsible for getting
Eric into this trouble,
and now we've got to figure out
a way to get him out.
Any ideas?
I got nothing.
Come on, power shirt,
give me some of that something-something.
That's it! I got it!
Eric, is that bus still
at the bottom of that lake?
Last I saw.
Ron, you still got that scuba suit?
You know damn well I do, dude.
No, no, no, your hands are too big.
I need little hands.
That's it, Boro!
Ron, I need you and Boro
to get down to the lake
with your scuba suit and get
a scuba suit for Boro, too.
Where the hell am I going to
get a little boy's scuba suit?
I don't give a shit!
Just get it done!
Okay, I'll get down to the
little boy's scuba suit emporium.
Great. I'll text you
the plan on the way.
10-4.
Thanks, guys.
Do you have any idea
how this looks for me
to be married
to a psychopath killer
who flees a crime scene?!
You don't have to answer
that one.
What are you doing here, Tim?
I am Eric's
new defense attorney.
Let me ask you a question,
"detective."
What if my client here
is totally innocent?
How do you even know
it was him driving the bus?
All your eyewitness are
at the bottom of a lake!
What the hell are you
talking about?
We have video of him.
He broke his leg
in the accident.
This is a cut-and-dry case.
Hang on a second.
Yo, me and Boro
are down here at the lake.
Ready to jump in and take
care of that business,
but I've got to say, this lake
is colder than witch's tit.
That's cool. That's what
the wet suit is for, Ron.
Just get in!
Detective, is there a chance
it was mechanical failure
or perhaps, a brake line
got cut somehow?
What if my client here
should be regarded
as an American hero
for going out there,
getting into the workforce
to support his family,
and to show the woman he loves
how much he loves her?
We haven't examined the bus yet,
so I suppose it's a possibility.
That's what I thought.
And I do appreciate
the effort to get a job.
Thank you, hon.
Let me talk to my supervisor.
You do that.
- That's it, Boro.
- Do the cut, cut.
Good boy, hit the line.
That's it.
Thank you, Ron.
Thank you, Boro.
Hey, you know what?
This might just work.
Hurry up, Tim. The press
conference is about to start.
All right.
Let's hope this works.
I am happy to announce
that the murders
of 64 innocent bus riders
was not actually due to
the bus driver's negligence,
but mechanical failure.
Yes!
We dredged the bus from the lake
and discovered
a faulty brake line.
And the big-boy bus driver,
Eric, is actually a hero.
I know if he could have,
he would have tried
to save those people,
and I'm proud to call
this man my husband.
- Aah!
- Yay!
- We did it!
- Now, that is how you do it.
Thank you guys so much for
covering up my mass murder.
I appreciate it.
And, Ron,
your operation was lit.
Hey, don't thank me.
Thank Boro's
tiny little fingers.
It was scary to think
I could have been on that bus.
Hey, you should just be grateful
for that damn night diarrhea
this morning.
That shit saved
your goddamn life, Boro.
Hey, let's not forget Ben Hur.
Ben, I just want to thank you
for hooking me up
with this Serbian power shirt
that gave me this nutty idea
to save Eric's ass,
and it helped me become
a big-boy lawyer.
Okay.
Megan! Megan!
Megan! Megan!
How's my hero holding up?
I'm doing okay.
The morphine wore off,
so Ben Hur gave me
some of his poppers,
so I'm feeling fine.
To be honest with you,
it just feels wonderful
to be finally acknowledged
as a hero.
I am so proud of you,
and I just want to let you know
that you can take a break from
looking for a job for a while.
- I've got us covered.
- Thank you, honey.
And I think I'm going to let you
watch TV with me tonight.
Wait a minute.
Why are you guys
wearing scuba suits?
I left something on the stove.
Be right back.
I can explain that,
um, you see...