Beef House (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Army Buddy Brad - full transcript

Megan, this one's for you.

The blue symbolizes
your carefree nature,

and the gold symbolizes
our love,

the most purest of elements,

and the ruby scarlet -- the most
important gem during Easter --

represents your Christian heart.

Eric, we're ready for the Easter
party sneak peek fashion show.

Get out here.

Coming!

Alright.

Wow, you look incredible. Thanks, buddy.



That's nice. Take a seat.

Alright. Let's get the show started.

Ladies and gentlemen, please
welcome down to the Beef House,

Mr. Ben Hur!

He's ready to kick
some Easter ass.

Come on, boy.
I can teach you a sexy lesson.

You've seen the Benny.
Now, it's time for a little Tenny.

Tennessee Luke Fortenberry,
get on down here!

You're beautiful, Tenny!

Check me out, Eric.

Now, it's time for the bunny
with the money, Mr. Ron Austar.

My God!

I'm the Goddamn
Easter Bunny, bitch.

Alright. So, so, give me
your honest opinion.



Tim... What do you think?

...this is your number-one
Easter fashion show of all time.

Yes!
You hear that, guys?

I hope you enjoyed
my sexy karate.

You know how important
this is to me, right?

Of course I do.
And to Megan.

I mean, we got married
on this very holiday.

I just want to let you know --
You're my best friend.

Yeah, and you're one
of my best friends, too.

Let me get that.

Atten-hut!
Brad?!

That's Corporal Brad
to you, soldier.

You son of a bitch.
Why didn't you tell me you were in town?

What a great surprise.
Everybody,

I want to introduce you
to my old Army buddy, Brad.

We used to serve together
back in the war.

I love this guy
more than anybody.

In fact, he'smy best friend.

What the hell's
going on in here?

I can probably explain that.
Hi, I'm Eric.

You just caught us in the middle

of the Easter fashion show.

We're getting ready
for the big Easter egg hunt.

Bunch of dudes dressed
all weird?

Hey, what is this?
Some kind of Beef House?

- Yes.
- No, no, no,

it's not a Beef House.
Believe me.

Sometimes, we call it
a Beef House

but just as a joke,
more of a derogatory term.

If it was a Beef House,
it would suck.

Forget it.

I thought I recognized
your voice.

Megan Dungerson?

My God.

There's some chemistry
between those two.

No shit.

- God.
- What the hell's going on here?

- Hey, hey, hey.
- Break it up, you two.

Brad and I, were
high school sweethearts.

Then he went off to war,
and I thought he was killed.

You still look so fine, baby.

Well, this amazing person
has decided to marry me,

and that's the situation now.

Technically, he's correct.

So, Brad, how long you planning
on staying?

Well, I -- I just got deployed,

and I was hoping I could post up
here for a couple of months,

you know, if it wasn't an
imposition.

No can do, Brad,
no rooms available.

No problem. I can set my tent up
in the living room,

and you won't even
notice I'm here. Hey, that sounds great.

All in favor of Brad
staying here

for as long as he wants,
say, "Aye."

Aye! Aye!
Aye! Aye!

It'd be an honor to have you
in the Goddamn Beef Hou--

Oops, I'm sorry.
Our house.

Alright, Brad.
Come on. Thank you.

Hell is that?

Move it. Move it. Move it.
Move it. Move it. Move it.

Yes! Move it. Move it.
Move it. Move it.

Reminds me of the old days
during the war

when you used to wake me up
at the crack of dawn

with the beautiful sounds
of the bugle.

What did you do to our living room?
This place is a mess.

Well, I just wanted to bring back
a little old-fashioned discipline

to these weak
beef children here.

Brad, this is where the Easter
egg hunt is every year.

What am I supposed to do
with this?

Speaking of eggs,
I've been meaning to ask you.

Why don't -- Why you and Megan
have kids?

I mean, you got --
you got bad sperm, buddy?

That's a good one.

Eric has no sperm.

You know what, Brad,
my sperm and my wife's eggs

are none of your business.
10-4, gotcha, gotcha, right.

Alright, the Easter egg hunt
is in two hours.

I need to hide the eggs,
so you guys get back to bed.

You heard him, soldiers.
Move out!

Move it!
Move!

Under the helmet...

Beef...

Welcome to the annual
Easter egg hunt.

Yay... Yay... Yay... Yay...

You guys know the drill.

On three, you open your eyes,

pull out your egg telescopes,
and you find those eggs.

Here we go.
One, two, three, good luck!

Alright.
Let's get this party started.

- Find those eggs.
- Come on, now. Come on.

- Where are you?
- I'm looking for you, sexy eggs.

You really hid these eggs well.
I can't find one damn egg.

I swear I hid at least three
dozen eggs in this Army mess.

This is the worst
Easter egg hunt ever.

Damn, something sure
smells good.

No, those are my eggs!

Brad, what are you doing?!

Atten-hut, you maggots!

It's chow time.
You cooked all my fancy eggs

I was gonna use
for the Easter hunt!

Enemies are for huntin'.

Eggs, they're for eatin'.

That's bullshit, Brad!

You ruined my eggs!
You ruined my house!

Now, you're ruining
Easter! Hey!

What's the matter with you?!

That's my best friend,
Brad, you're talking to!

Now, we all like
your Easter egg hunt,

we pretend it's a lot of fun,

but this guy has seen
some real shit!

He just got out of the war!
And I think it's very nice

that he made us eggs
for Easter breakfast.

Tim, I made 'em like in the war.
Yeah?

One pinch of tobacc-y...

...two shots of moonshine

and a little bit
of that elbow grease.

Now let's eat some!
Let's dig in.

Damn, hate to see all these
beautiful eggs go to waste.

That's right.
Well, eat up.

Chow down. Chow down.

Beef?

Megan, you forgot your badge.

What's the matter with you? It's just Brad.

I just hate his freaking guts.

He ruined my Easter egg hunt,
and now he's living here,

and I just don't like it.

Sounds to me like you're making
a big deal out of nothing.

I'll see you later. Megan...

badge.

Here you go.
Hey...

what's that? What's what?

That big, red ring on your hand.

This?

It's nothing.
Brad gave it to me.

What?!

It's his class ring.

We were talking and reminiscing
about old times last night,

and he gave it to me.
It's nothing.

You're my wife, and you're
wearing another man's ring,

and that ring belongs to Brad.

I'll see you later. What is happening
to my life?!

This is no way to celebrate
the Lord rising from the dead!

Beef...

Brad, what are you doing
to Megan's panty drawer?

This is off-limits. That's --

That's fine. That's fine.
It's fine?

Yeah, let's talk a little bit.
Okay.

What have you been up to,
Lieutenant? Geez, you know.

Actually, I've been working on my music.
What, like, heavy metal,

like, you used to play
in basic training, like that?

Nah, a little more
family-friendly,

a little more Beach Boys
sort of "Kokomo" era

with a little Moby influence,
of course, Robbie Zombie

just in the textures and tones of my music. Well,
let me hear it, man. I think you're a genius.

You got something I can listen to? I've been
working on this little surprise for Eric.

It's a sort of Easter song.

I just have the basic drums
mapped out yet.

What the hell
happened to you, man?

What do you mean? You went soft.

I am embarrassedto have been
platoon brothers with you.

Sorry, Brad, I'm not living
in the past like you,

and I'm sorry
you don't like my song. No, I hate it!

Well, then maybe you should
deploy out of here.

Yeah?
Yeah.

Or no, I'm not going anywhere.

I got myself a nice
little situation right here,

and once I get Megan back,
it's gonna be...

my Beef House, my Beef Rules!

There's nothing
you can do about it!

Damn, Beef House has been
officially occupied

by enemy forces.
We need to deploy

some evasive measures, quick.

Maybe we should give
that Army boy

a taste of his own medicine.

The hell's going on?!

Brad, did you hear?
They hit Camp Stewart!

There's 450,000 people dead!
What?!

The Army's saying
anybody in uniform's

gotta go down there
and protect the forward base! I can't!

- I can't! I can't! Yes, you can!
- You made an oath!

You made an oath,
you son of a bitch! I can't do it!

You better get down there right now!
I can't!

Alright, Tim, the platoon
is in position, in position.

It's go time.
Ben Hur, move the digitals

four degrees starboard. Yes, sir.
Get your shit together, man. Come on.

Hold on.

Eric, it's working.
It's working.

He's buying it, lock,
stock, and barrel.

He's buying it all.
Ron, I need

those Army sirens up.
Jack 'em up.

My Bluetooth's
crapping out, Sarge!

Private, you never deny
a superior officer!

One more infraction,
and I take you out to the brig.

Yes, sir!

You got to protect and serve.
I'm scared to...

I don't give a shit! I'm scared to.

You walk your ass down there!
Get down to --

Brad's getting his ass
outta here, sir!

That sexy bitch go AWOL.

I can't.
I'm not going down.

We're clear!

You did it!
Youdid it.

You guys rock!

- We scared the shit out of him.
- He cried like a pussy.

Yeah!

Hey, listen, I-I just want
to apologize for my buddy, Brad.

He ruined your Easter egg hunt,

he nearly broke up
your marriage...

He also talked a lot of shit
about your music.

I know, and for me,
that was crossing the line,

but the good news is,

I learned who my real best friend is.
Really?

- Yeah, it's Ron.
- No shit!

Psych, it's you!

You son of a bitch.

So did seeing Brad make you
regret marrying me?

No, Eric.

Brad was good-looking

and very masculine,

and... abs,

but I made my choice,
and I'm fine with it, okay?

Gotta get to work. Well, I do have
a little present for you.

I managed to hide one
of those eggs from Brad.

It's a sexual egg.

I bought it at Ben Hur's
sex shop.

He knows the manager,
and he says

it's the best motor
in any sexual egg.

Wow, that's so sweet.

I love it. I read the instructions,

so I could help you out
and get you --

I'll figure it out.

Do you mind?

You want me to go?
Yeah.

Okay, yeah,
I have some chores I can do. Perfect.

Maybe, like, half an hour?
I'll let you know.

Okay, I love you. Okay, bye, thank you.

Wow...