Becker (1998–2004): Season 6, Episode 3 - A Little Ho-mance - full transcript

II

Mmm, that's good.

Oh, you know something,
I can't take this.

You-you can't eat pizza
with a knife and fork.

-Yes, I can.
-No, you can't.

You know, there are places
in this city

they'd kill you
for eating pizza like that.

Well, I'm not in
one of those places.

Don't be so sure.

What is your problem?

This is the way I eat pizza.



I like to be civilized.

You've got a civilized
piece of cheese

hanging from your face there.

(chuckles)

-That's nice.
-That's very nice.

Uh, John, John... wait, wait.

I-I need to talk to you.

Well, clearly, you and I
have different needs.

Look, look, I...

I don't want to just
jump into sex.

I-I want the first time
to be romantic.

I mean, we haven't even had
a proper first date yet.

We've known each other
for over a year.

I mean, come on, don't I get
credit for time served?



Time served?

And what is this,
a conjugal visit?

Apparently not, or we'd
be conjugating by now.

I want a real date, John.

-This is a real date.
-No, no, no.

This is you ordering
a medium pizza,

getting a large by accident,

and then climbing up
the fire escape

and asking me
if I wanted a slice.

Oh, so now I'm being punished
for kindness?

(groans)
You just don't get it.

I... You are so unromantic.

No, wait, wait, whoa, whoa.

Wait a second,
I know what you mean.

I know what you mean.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I think I got a candle
around here some place.

I got some Lionel Richie.
How about that, huh?

Romantic enough for you?

John, asking me
to explain romance to you

is, for the record,
not romantic.

So thanks for dinner,
but you'll

have to find something else
to do for dessert.

Oh, no, hey, hey, come on.

Where are you go...?

You know something? Who cares?

Go home, you know?
Who needs you?

I'll finish this off myself.

I'm talking about the pizza.

Hey, Chris, do me a favor?

Uh, can you keep an eye
on the counter?

I got to go visit
my nana at the home.

I didn't know your grandmother
was in a home.

Oh, yeah, it was getting
too tough for her to live alone.

I mean, climbing up
all those stairs,

and she kept losing stuff,
and, well,

you know I was no help there,
so...

I don't think
she's ever been so happy.

I'll see you.

See you.

Anybody want to know
why his nana's so happy?

It's not because
he brings her candy every week.

She's having sex.

Ew.

How do you know that?

My brother knows a guy
who works there.

One night, he hears this noise
coming from her room,

so he checks it out,

and he sees Nana and some geezer

going at it
like a couple of rabbits.

-Couple of wrinkly, old rabbits.
-0h...

Ew!

0h, stop. I think it's sweet.

When I was a kid,
I was at a friend's house,

and by mistake,
I saw his grandmother

step out of the shower naked.

It was not sweet.

Wouldn't you think
you get to a certain age

and your sex drive
would shrivel up like...

you know, everything else?

Well, let's find out.

No, no, no...

Excuse me, sir,

are you interested in sex?

I didn't mean with me.

Come on,
I'd crack you like a crab.

(laughs)
There's an old man out there

whacking Hector with a cane
like he's a piñata.

I swear, I saw candy
come flying out of him.

Turkey sandwich to go, please.

You, uh... you didn't come in
for breakfast this morning.

I thought maybe you were mad
because of last night.

-What happened last night?
-No, nothing. I wasn't mad.

-Doesn't sound like nothing.
-It's none of your business.

-No, it just felt like, uh...
-It felt like what?

Hey, what are you,
a three-year-old?

Come on! Go away.

You're not the boss of me.

Yes, I am.

0h, right.

Anyway, I thought
about what you said

about us having a proper date,
and, well...

you, me, dinner, Friday.

(gasps) 0h, John,
you sweep me off my feet.

What'd I do wrong now?

Would it kill you to call me
and ask me out nicely?

I'm standing right here.
Why should I call you?

You know something? I-I give up.

I have no idea what you want
anymore. It's like I...

(phone rings)

Hello. Diner.

0h, John, what a surprise.

Uh, yeah, I'd love
to have dinner Friday.

Ooh, let-let me just check
my calendar.

Come on, I don't have
enough anytime minutes.

Do you want to go or not?

Okay, fine, I'd love to.

Thank you.

(muttering):
God, what a pain in the ass.

What was that?

I said, I'll see you Friday!

What is it with you women?

You meet a guy, you like him,
but the minute

you find out he likes you,
you start trying to change him

from what he is
into what you want him to be,

which, as near as I can tell,
is another woman.

You know something, I-I think
down deep, you're all lesbians.

I assume this is about Chris.

You know, everything has
to be romantic with her.

I walk in there
this morning, and I...

Amazing. All these years,
who knew that would work?

John, I cannot listen
to any more about you and Chris.

I am not your mother,
I am not your shrink,

but most of all,
I'm not interested.

You have to be. I pay you.

Not enough for that.

Well, just out of curiosity,

how-how much more
would I have to... 0h.

Uh, Linda,
get in here, will you?

Okay, I knew this was coming.

That two-hour phone call
to Brazil,

it really was a wrong number,

but Gilberto and I
just happened to hit it off.

Yeah, it's not about that.

It will be later,
but right now I-I just want

your opinion on something.
Sit down.

It's about...
it's about me and Chris.

Isn't this the kind of thing you
usually talk to Margaret about?

Well, she wanted to,
but, you know, uh...

it's a dating thing,
and between you and me,

she's a little out of touch.

I know. It's so sad.

Anyway, anyway,
wh-wh-what is...

you know, why is it the second
a woman meets a guy she likes,

right away
she tries to change him?

The truth is...

...men and women are different.

I hope I've been of some help.

Sit down, sit down.
Come on, I'm serious.

Okay. I didn't want to say this,

because Chris is a friend,
but...

if she's trying to change you,
she's out of her mind.

I mean, you're a handsome,
successful,

intelligent, caring physician.

Any woman would be lucky
to have you.

Yeah, you're up
for salary review, aren't you?

Next week.

Yeah, get out.

It was the "handsome,"
wasn't it?

-I knew that was too much.
-Get out.

Hector, what's wrong?

This whole "old people
still doing it" thing

has me a little bummed out.

Why would that bother you?

Well, this may
surprise you, but...

I don't do as well with women
as you might think.

No, no, it's true.

But I figured by the time
I got older, it wouldn't matter,

'cause, well,
I just wouldn't care.

Now I find out I got another...

50, 60 years of rejection
to look forward to.

Look, Hector, don't worry.

I mean, one day you'll...

One day I'll what?

Give me a second.

0h, John! Glad you're here.

Look, I, uh...
I heard about this

great seafood place
in the neighborhood.

I thought maybe we could
go there Friday night.

Uh, what do you think?

Whatever.
Uh... where's Jake?

He's-he's running an errand.
What's the matter?

Uh, it's his grandmother.

I-I'm her doctor, so they
called me from the home.

Evidently, she's passed away.

Oh, my God.

What happened?

Well, said she had
a heart attack.

But he said
she was feeling great.

Uh, maybe a little too great.

Uh, she had
a heart attack while...

in the act.

The act?

Yeah, that one.

-We're talking about sex, right?
-CHRIS: Yeah...

Right.

Does Jake know?

Good afternoon.

Ah, could it be
a more beautiful day? Hoo!

I'm going with "no."

I can't believe it.

I just saw her yesterday.
She was fine.

I'm sorry, buddy.

I mean, I knew this day
would come,

but I guess you're never
really ready for it, right?

Mm.

I just... I hate to think
of her dying all alone.

She wasn't exactly alone.

What, she-she was with someone?

Yeah, yeah, she was, uh...
she was with a guy.

Really? A doctor?

No, no, no. He was, uh...
he was more of a friend.

Yeah, a naked friend.

What-what...
what are you talking about?

What is the matter with you?

The man has a right to know.

Know what?
What are you talking about?

Apparently, this friend
and your nana

knew each other very, very well.

Uh, you might say...
intimately.

What are you trying to say?

Uh, well, they knew each other
in the... biblical sense.

What are you trying to say?

Jake, they were having sex,
and she died.

What are you trying to say?

John, we should have left
five minutes ago.

I don't want to be late.

For a funeral?

What difference does it make?

Nana's dead. Jake's blind.

No one's going to notice
if we're late.

Hey, come here,
come here, come here.

I-I want some help.
Look at this.

See, I got this, uh, menu

from a seafood place
where Chris wants to go

-on our date...
-Don't want to talk about it.

I'm not talking about Chris.
I'm talking about lobster.

Look, every time
you see lobster,

it says "MP"--
that's market price.

That means they can charge
anything they want.

It's like a license to steal.

So don't order the lobster.

Please, who do you think
you're talking to?

I'm worried about Chris.

If she orders a $50 lobster,
I'm going to be forced to order,

like, a four-dollar salad,
and I'm going to be eating it

and resenting her
the whole time.

Anger's going to build, she's
going to ask me what's wrong,

and you know me,
I won't say anything.

I'll try to hold it back
until I can't stand it anymore,

and at the end of dinner
I'll reach across the table

and strangle her with her
butter-soaked lobster bib.

How's that gonna look?

-Linda, let's go.
-What...?

I don't want to be late.

You know, maybe one of us
should stay here,

just in case
a patient shows up.

No, they won't. I rescheduled
everyone till after 4:00.

Now, come on.

But what if there's
an emergency?

Then they'll go
to the emergency room.

Now, let's go!

I'm not going. I can't.

I hate funerals.
They freak me out!

Yeah, excuse me.

How long would it take you
to download an article

on unsafe bacteria level
in lobster?

Linda, stop this.

You have to go. It's for Jake.

I know, but I hate dead people.

It's nothing personal,

but the waxy skin,
the hideous makeup...

I'm not going,
and you can't make me.

Linda, you are acting
like a child.

Now, you are going.

I hate you!

Linda, stop this.

You are going,
and that is final.

(sighs)
Okay, I'll go.

But the last time
I went to a funeral,

I threw up in the coffin.

-You know what? No...
-Maybe she can stay.

(quiet chatter)

Well, hey, you know,
those appetizers look great.

Want me to get us
a couple of plates here?

Nah, I don't want to ruin
my appetite for dinner.

You know, that restaurant
flies the lobsters

in fresh from Maine.

Yeah, you say that
like that's a good thing,

but I don't know, you know?

They put them in crates,
they throw them on planes...

Lobsters aren't stupid.
They know they're going to die.

And I'm thinking
they probably tense up

and the meat gets all tough.

What the hell
are you talking about?

It-it just occurred to me

that if you're after a nice,
tender piece of meat,

you can't go wrong
with a-a piece of chicken.

0h, there's Jake.

You have beautiful eyes.

They're up here.

I got a room down the hall.

I've got a husband at home.

So what's your point?

Hey, Jake, how you holding up?

I guess I'm okay.

I just can't stop thinking
about the...

the guy she was with.

Yeah, well, try not
to make yourself crazy

thinking about it.
Sit down.

Yeah, what's important
is that she had somebody.

Hey, I'm well aware
that she had someone.

Ain't no need to make a brother
dwell on it. Come on!

What she meant was, you know,
you should try to get

the picture of the two
of them out of your head.

0h. You're right, I'm sorry.

I guess I should focus
on what's important

and not... that... picture.

Excuse me, young man.

I'm Charles Evans.

I was with your grandmother
when she passed.

And the picture's back in.

Ruth was very special to me.

What we had was beautiful
and life-affirming.

Well, now,
did you hear that, Jake?

Beautiful.

It's important to me
you understand

it wasn't just physical.

Oh, come on.

0h, we... we took walks,
we saw movies,

then once in a while
we'd light a candle,

play a little Coltrane... mmm!

I'm really going to miss her.

Sounds like he cared
about her very much.

What do you say, Jake?

I guess I am glad that...
that she had someone.

Excuse me, young man.

I just want you to know that
Ruth was very special to me.

What we had was beautiful!

Oh, yeah.

Poor guy,
his mind must be going.

He doesn't remember
just talking to me.

Uh, different guy, Jake.

What, she was sleeping
with two men?

Excuse me.

Your grandmother
was the most special woman.

She awakened things
in me that...

I thought died long ago.

Different guy?

I'm afraid so.

Oh, man, my nana was a ho!

You know, if we've
learned anything today,

it's that life is fleeting.

-We could go just like that.
-(snaps fingers)

So, you've got to make
the moments count.

You know,
with only one arm,

that wheelchair would just
go round and round and round.

Yeah, yeah, she made you happy.
Beat it.

Jake, Jake, it doesn't matter

that your nana
had sex with a lot of...

La, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la, la...

Listen. Listen to me.

What's important is that
she had romance in her life

right up until the end.

Some women wait
their whole lives for that

and they never get it.

She was lucky.

We're going out to dinner.

-What more do you want?
-I...

I guess you're right. I...

I just loved her,
and I wanted her to be happy,

and H guess she was.

I think I'm just upset
because she's gone.

You're Ruth's grandson,
aren't you?

Yes, yes.

I just want to say that...

your nana was
the most special woman.

She taught me...

La, la, la, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la, la, la...

Hey, Chris, it's John.

Uh, midnight.

So what are you doing?

Sleeping?

0h, not anymore you're not.

Hey, come on down, will you?

No, no, this is important.

Meet-meet me on the fire escape.

(chuckling)

(distant siren wailing)

Oh, my God.

Yeah, really.

Oh... I...

Flowers and wine?

It's so romantic.

John, I'm touched. I...

I'm sorry about our date.

You know, I-I got back
to the office,

it was wall-to-wall patients.

I was just about to leave,

some guy walked in
with food poisoning.

Lobster, by the way.

Anyway, you know, I just...
I just wanted to,

you know, do something special
to say I'm sorry.

(crying)

Aw, hey, what...?
You said you liked it.

(crying):
It's so beautiful.

But I'm not!

Oh, no, no...

(crying):
Yes.

I'm hideous!

Hey, you know, not-not my...
my choice of words.

I mean, I see where
you're coming from, but...

I mean, you finally did
everything right, but...

But... but what?

But I'm in this bath robe

and these dopey slippers,

and-and-and...
and I've got bed head.

I mean, you're not supposed
to have bed head

before you sleep with somebody.
I mean, I just...

I wanted our first time
to be perfect.

No, hey, you know,
life's not perfect.

You got to take moments
when they...

-Hold on a second, you got
a little crusty goober. -0h.

Hang on.

Uh, John, I...
H really want to,

but I just...
I-I-I don't know...

Hey, I'll tell you what,
I'll tell you what.

Go to bed.

Really, get some sleep.

You sure?

Whoa... yeah, yeah.

We are going to do this.

I know.

-Good night.
-Good night.

(Becker chuckles)

And don't worry about me.

I'll just finish
this off myself.

I'm talking about the wine.

I know.