Becker (1998–2004): Season 6, Episode 2 - Dates & Nuts - full transcript

II

Hey, Jake. How you doing?

Awful.

Yeah, I thought selling my hair
to pay my rent

was as low as I could go,
but... I was wrong.

I thought I could get
some extra cash

by going to the sperm bank,

but I was so depressed that...

well, let's just say
I couldn't open up the vault.

Jake, I-I'm a little
uncomfortable here.

I'm not really sure exactly
what you're asking me to do.



What? Oh, God, no. No.

I've just got to find
a way to make some extra money.

Money? That's my specialty.
How much you need, Jake?

A thousand bucks.

Whoa, are you screwed.

Tell me about it.

I mean, not only
do I have my regular bills,

my ex-girlfriend ran up

a ton of charges
on my credit cards.

Yeah, clothes, jewelry,
a brand-new boob job.

So you get to pay,
but don't get to play.

That's sad.

Look, if you're
really in trouble,

I know a great way
to make easy money: drugs.



Drug dealing? Are you crazy?

Yeah, you think
I'd be running a news stand

if I could deal drugs?

-I'm talking about drug testing.
-0h.

Companies need
to test new products

before they can
get them approved.

Don't they usually
do that on rats?

Rats, monkeys and...

blind news stand owners.

Drug testing.

Well, what kind of drugs
are we talking about?

Muscle relaxers, mood enhancers.

You know, happy drugs.

You just take the pills,
write down any side effects,

and then they cut you a check.

It's a cakewalk.

I can't believe
what Amanda's driven me to.

0h, Amanda again?

Oh, come on, Stevie Wonder,
write a new song.

When-when... when are you
gonna face it?

It doesn't matter
if you're married,

living together, dating or dead.

Once you get involved
with a woman,

you never stop paying.

Nice to see you, too.

0h, hey. Hi. Morning.

(phone rings)

0h, great, probably
another collection agency.

Just tell them
you haven't seen the bills.

Coffee to go, please.

So, what are you doing?

I'm going to work.

I meant after that.

Going home.

Then what?

Then I'll probably, uh,
you know, make supper,

uh, watch TV, sleep,
wake up, eat, work, sleep,

and eventually die.
Why? What...

Well, last week you said
something about us going out,

but you haven't said anything.

Are you waiting for me
to ask you out?

No, no, no, I hate that.

So then you are planning
on asking me out?

-Absolutely.
-Yeah, when?

Look, you know,

the reason I wanted
to go out with you

is because, you know,
it felt comfortable.

But you pressuring me
like this

makes it feel uncomfortable.

So, let me understand this.

If I don't pressure you,
then you'll ask me out?

-Of course.
-But-but I can't ask when

'cause then
that would be pressure,

and then you won't ask me out.

Right, right.

So what do we do now?

We-we do what we're doing.

You know, things are good.

Let's not screw 'em up.

Screw up what?
We haven't gone out yet.

Yes, but we will.

-Yeah, when?
-What... See, just did it again.

Look, I just don't want to

rush things and risk ruining
what we have.

Which is what?!

Something very important to me.

Isn't it important to you?

Well, yeah, of course it is.

Well, good, good, good.

Then, see,
then we're on the same page.

Listen, I'm-I'm telling you,

I've been a victim
of credit card fraud.

Well, yes, I gave her the card.

Yes, I said she could use it.

Where's the fraud?

She told me she loved me.

How much is
this drug testing thing?

-500 bucks.
-Wow.

That could get me
through the month.

Come on, I'll take you
down there and sign you up.

Okay, well, um,

let me... let me...
let me ask you something.

-Is it dangerous?
-Nah.

-I've done it a bunch of times.
-Yeah?

Once, I even did a very
experimental hormone test.

Got me in touch
with my feminine side.

I found out
she's kind of a bitch.

By the way, those pants
make your ass look fat.

Good morning, Linda.
Isn't it a glorious day?

You're late.

Whenever I'm late,

I have to come up
with a lame excuse.

So let me hear one.
And it better be good.

0h, all right.

Uh, I drove in today,
and I got pulled over by a cop.

A speeding ticket?
That's your excuse?

Have you learned
nothing from me?

Oh, I didn't say I got a ticket.

When the cop came to my window,

I smiled, I tossed back my hair,

and then I threw in a:

"Why, Officer, was I speeding?"

Next thing I knew,
he let me go with a warning.

You get to a certain age,

and you wonder
if you've still got the magic.

Well, honey, I still got it!

You flirted your way
out of a ticket?

Oh, yeah.

But that's immoral.

I believe it was
Rabbi Akiva who said,

"It is easier for Heaven
and Earth to pass away

than for one dot of the law
to become void."

Okay, you are freaking me out.

What are you talking about?

As you know, I've been looking
for more meaning in my life,

so I've been checking out
different religions.

Well, the Baptists
are very friendly,

but they don't seem to believe
in air-conditioning.

The Catholics seem a little
too pre-occupied right now

to give me the attention I need.

So I've been kind of leaning
towards Judaism.

You're gonna become Jewish?

It could happen.

Judaism adds an order
to your life,

the hours
are very user-friendly,

and don't get me started
on the food.

But the most appealing
part about it

is their emphasis
on ethics and morality.

Something it might not hurt
you to look in to.

I was feeling really good
when I came in here.

Now you got me feeling guilty.

Maybe you're already Jewish!

Okay, so do I take these pills

on a full stomach
or an empty stomach?

It doesn't matter.
They're suppositories.

So, how do I take 'em?

You remember what
I told you to do

with those magazine
subscriptions

you tried to sell me?

That ain't right.

You're not going to believe
what's going on with Linda.

Arrested? Pregnant?
I hate this game.

She's thinking
of becoming Jewish.

Oh, those poor people.

5,000 years of persecution,
and now Linda?

Okay, smart-ass.

I've been thinking
about what you said,

and you didn't say anything!

So we're going
to try this talk again,

and I mean now!

Okay, calm down, will you?

Indoor voice.

I'll be in my office. Just...

What the hell was that about?

Oh, come on,
all that double-talk:

"Let's not rush things.

I don't want to ruin
what we have."

Look, John, if you don't
want to go out

with me, just say so.

Well, I did want
to go out with you,

but clearly
you have anger issues.

All right, you know what?
Forget it.

I don't want to play
this game anymore.

No, no, wait, wait, wait,
wait, no, I'm sorry.

I am, all right?

Sit down. Please.

Look...

I think we
might have something here.

I mean, a shot at
a real relationship.

But the last two times
I felt that way,

it ended in divorce, so...
I... I'm nervous.

Look, John, I understand that,
but we will never know

if we have anything
unless we try.

(sighs)

You're right. You're right.
We'll go out.

When?

So now you want a specific time?

Yes, I want a night.

I want a time.
That's what a date is.

God, you're pushy.

All right,
how about tonight?

Good.
So, where are we going?

(sighs) Oh, so now it's a day,
a time and a place?

I don't care. Surprise me.

But it better be
a real restaurant,

not us sharing a sausage
at a street cart.

Oh, yeah. Fine.
Tie my hands, why don't you?

Yo, Hector, you could've
at least told me

that I'd have
to take a physical.

I mean, they made me
pee in a cup,

and, well, that's...
that's just not easy for me.

Quit complaining.
You nailed it eventually.

(chuckling):
Yeah.

Okay, let's see
what we got here.

All right.

They said it was
some kind of allergy pill.

You're supposed to take one
every two hours.

Well, what are
the possible side effects?

Usual stuff.

Headaches, back spasms,
blurred vision-- doesn't apply.

Ringing in the ears,

cramping, sweating, chills,
anal leakage...

Oh, God.

Linda, all I did was flirt
my way out of a speeding ticket.

Leave me alone!

I'm just saying that what
you did wasn't ethical.

Or, as the people of my possible

future chosen faith
might say, kosher.

Blueberry muffin.

Me, too.

Interesting--
you pay for your muffin,

but not
for your speeding ticket.

Guess morality is kind of
a movable line with you, huh?

Don't you lecture me!

I have been going to church
since before you were born.

And, as the Bible says,

"Let he who is without sin
cast the first stone."

I believe the quote is:

"People who live
in glass houses

shouldn't throw stones."

...hives, dry mouth,

flaky skin,

heart palpitations,
liver failure,

sexual dysfunction...

Whoa, whoa, that's it.
I-I can't do this.

Come on, man, don't give up.
You need this money.

Besides, these side effects
only happen

in one percent of all cases.

Does it say that?

Sure.

Hey.

Sandwich ready?

Here you go.

I bought a new dress.

Ah.

Right, right, dinner.

I knew it.
Did you make a reservation?

John, it's Friday night.

Relax. I got us a nice table
at an Italian restaurant.

You know, the...
red checkered tablecloths,

the Chianti bottles
with dripping candles,

the whole thing.
You're going to love it.

Oh, sorry.

I can't wait.
Looking forward to it.

Good. Pick you up at 6:00.

Right.

You guys know any of those

cheesy Italian
restaurant places?

Checkered table cloths,

candles, that kind of crap?

Nope.

Oh, you're a lot of help.

What's with the pills?

I'm taking part in a drug test.

Hector said it's a good way
for me to score some quick cash.

Oh, come on, Jake,
this is your body.

You can't put
just anything in it.

There could be
serious side effects.

There's got to be a safer way
to solve your money problems.

You want to give me
the 500 bucks?

Oh, you know what?
You'll be fine.

Okay, you took your second pill.
Any side effects yet?

Nope, I feel great.

You know what?
Thank you, Hector.

I mean, this 500 bucks
is gonna save my life.

It's all right.

Maybe someday you'll do
something for me.

-Sure.
-Really?

Anything.

Know any women?

-Hey.
-Hey, nice suit.

0h, thanks. Yeah, I'm trying
to class things up a little bit.

Yo, Chris, let's shake it!

The buses run on a schedule.

Wow, you look great!

Yeah, I do look good, don't I?

Yeah, I think it's, uh...

I think it's the way
this suit hangs.

0h, H... I should probably
tell you you look great, too.

-You look great, too.
-Thank you.

You know what?
My tongue feels fat.

Does it look fat?

-No, and don't do that again.
-(phone ringing)

Yeah?

0h, Ma-Margaret,
you're kidding me.

All right.

Tell him I'll meet him
at the hospital.

What's wrong?

Oh, I have this
hypochondriac patient--

Mr. Walters--
just checked himself

into the emergency room.

Idiot. Every time he sneezes,

he thinks he's having
a heart attack.

Well, then why
do you have to go?

Well, just in case he is dying,
I don't want to miss it.

And I am his doctor.

Look, it'll just take a second.

We'll be on our way.

You kids have fun.

Thee you!

Did I just thay, "Thee you"?

Why don't you, uh,
go ahead and have a seat.

I'm going to check
on my patient.

Uh, if you get hungry,

there's a vending machine
around the corner.

You got, uh...

-You got money?
-Yeah.

Good, good.

(speaking Korean)

Hi. How are you?

That's a dumb question.

Probably not well, since you're
here in the hospital.

Grandpa sick.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

See, my grandpa died
when I was a little girl, and...

Well, you know, not that
your grandpa's going to die.

Um... Th-th-th-this
is a really good hospital.

Uh, yeah, a friend of mine

is a doctor, and he sees
patients here all the time.

Actually, he's more
than a friend.

See, uh...

tonight is our first date.

Well, it was going to be
our first date, but, uh...

0h, listen to me
going on and on,

when you obviously have more
serious things to think about.

Grandpa sick.

I know,

I know, and, uh,
it must be hard.

I-I-I realize you can't
understand a word I'm saying,

but-but I'm sure you
can tell from my tone

and the way I'm
furrowing my eyebrows

that I'm very concerned,

so, uh... so I guess
I'll just say

that I'm thinking good thoughts.

Say, Hector, are you hot?

I've been told
I have a certain boyish charm.

No, no, I mean, are-are you hot?

I'm... I'm burning up.

It's like... it's like
I'm sweating on the inside,

and... and I'm... I'm cramping,

and... and my legs feel nubby.

-How do you spell "nubby"?
-What difference does it make?

These side effects
are killing me. I quit.

You can't quit now.
We're in the home stretch.

-No...
-Just one more pill.

No, no, I can't do it.

I mean, look, look, I'm shaky,

I'm-I'm light-headed,
I'm queasy.

You're probably just hungry.

Have some bread.

It'll help settle your stomach.

Yeah, okay, okay.

You pilled me like a dog,
didn't you?

It's for your own good.

That's cold, man.

Chris, I'm sorry
this is taking so long.

No, no, no, it's all right.

-How's-how's your patient?
-0h, that guy's

such a pain in the ass,
there are five nurses fighting

to see who gets to insert
his catheter.

And another ten waiting
to see who gets to yank it out.

I tell you, he's driving
the staff so crazy,

a patient could be dying
in the room next to him,

-and they'd never know.
-John, shh-shh-shh.

You're going to make
the Kims nervous.

Such a happy family.

Now, the way that I've been able

to piece together their story,

it seems that
their grandpa's sick.

Oh, that's too bad.

Uh, look, uh...
another half hour,

we'll go to dinner, I promise.

We're waiting for, uh,
Mr. Walter's cardiologist.

It's okay. I'm fine.

Ah, you know,
it's just so touching

watching this family
come together

during such a difficult time.

The culture is so beautiful.

They don't throw away
their old people the way we do.

They embrace them.

It breaks my heart to see

how much they love
their grandfather.

We could learn so much
from them.

(phone rings)

Hello.

0h, Linda, leave me alone.

It's 9:00 at night.

It was just a stupid ticket.

Who? Are you kidding?

No, I don't want to talk to...

Don't you dare.

Linda, I swear, I will...

Hello, Rabbi.

You've got to admit,

since you threw up,
you feel better.

I... hate... you.

(speaking Korean)

(laughter)

I'm so happy for you.

You're not going
to believe this.

After all the whining, you know,
about having a heart attack,

you know what was wrong
with my patient?

Gas.

He's lying out there
on a gurney,

he cuts one so bad,
he shot down the hallway

and ended up
in the cafeteria.

Yeah, but, John, isn't it good
your patient's all right?

I guess you could
look at it that way.

Look I'm so sorry
about this, Chris.

If you're still hungry,
we can go

to a coffee shop
and pick something up.

No. You know what?
If you're as tired as you look,

why don't we just
call it a night.

I feel bad, though.
You got all dressed up,

and you're stuck here all night.

You know, I admit
it was a strange first date.

But I have to tell you,
being with this family

and watching them go through
something so emotional

and then to have it
turn out so well,

it just, um...
really touched me.

I hope you're happy.

Well, most of the time, I am.

I have my down days,
like anyone else...

I'm not talking about you!

I felt so guilty
about that damn ticket

that I went down
to the police station

and I wrote them a check
for 100 bucks.

Why would you do that?

What? Because you wouldn't stop
hawking me about it.

Oh, that. I changed my mind.

I realized that Judaism
required me to give up something

that meant too much to me.

What? Your background?

Your heritage?

No. Bacon cheeseburgers.

What kind of a God
would deny you that?

Here you go, Linda.

They're even better
for breakfast.

I wonder if she knows
she just ordered her last meal.

CHRIS:
Oh, my God, Jake!

Do you feel as bad as you look?

I-I'm just guessing here,
but I think so.

Hey, hey!
Look who's conscious.

Leave me alone.

Okay,

but I just dropped off
the journal

and picked up your money.

500 bucks
for one night's work.

Why don't I feel happy?

Well, that's easy.

Between the chills,
the fat tongue, the nubby legs

and the fact
that all this money's

going to pay for stuff
you didn't even buy,

you have no reason
to feel happy.

It was a rhetorical question.

0h. Come on.

Let's get you home
and hose you off.

Trust me, you need it.

Whoa, whoa, you look like
death on toast.

Hey, tell you what,

why don't you stop by
the office later.

I'll get you some pills.

-(moaning)
-Hey!

-Morning.
-Morning.

Coffee to go, please.

I'm sorry about last night.

That wasn't much
of a first date.

Oh, I don't know.

If you look at a date
in terms of two people

getting to know each other,
it was kind of nice.

I learned something about you.

-0h, yeah?
-Yeah, yeah.

With all the bitching
you do about your patients,

you made sure that guy
was taken care of,

and you wouldn't leave
until you knew he was all right.

I was totally impressed.

Thank you.

I learned something
about you, too.

-Yeah?
-Yeah.

The way you got involved
with that family.

I mean, me,
I would've sat there

with my face buried
in some magazine,

hoping no one would
come up and talk to me.

-But you, I mean...
-Yeah, well...

You see people going
through something emotional,

it's like an opportunity

for a relationship.
I mean, you...

you reached out
and involved yourself

in the lives
of total strangers.

I hate that.