Becker (1998–2004): Season 6, Episode 4 - Spontaneous Combustion - full transcript

II

Hey, Ming,
how's it going, buddy?

Becker, there are 5,000

Chinese restaurants
in this town.

You want to be a buddy,
try one of them.

Ah, nice attitude there.

Is that how you treat
all your good customers?

When you come in at 5:59 just to
get the early bird special,

and then use so many coupons
I end up owing you money,

you're not a good customer.

You're a pain in my ass.



Yeah, keep talking, pal.

Insults just make me hungrier.

Put that back, will you?

I got a date. Come on.

Get the hell out of here.

Put it back. Come on.

Oh, what is she, a hooker?

No, wait,
they don't take coupons.

Ah, hey, Chris.

-Hey.
-Hi.

Wow.

You are one lucky man.

And you could do
a whole lot better.

Don't you have a cat
to stir-fry?



I mean it.
Get out while you can.

-There you go.
-0h, thanks.

Wow, that was some kiss.

Oh, well, Ming didn't really
think I had a date,

so I wanted to stick it
in his face.

And I was happy to see you.

-Nice save.
-Yeah.

So, uh... so what's good here?

The prices.

Right.

Oh, look at us.

-Huh? Our first official date.
-Huh?

Ah, yeah, yeah.

I know it's not fancy,

but, you know, I've been
coming here a long time,

and I, uh... well, I really
wanted to come with you.

That was sweet.

Kind of surprised me, too.

CHRIS:
Hmm, big kiss in public,

paying me compliments.

Tonight could be the night.

BECKER:
Oh, big smile.

And that was
one of my better kisses.

That tongue scraper thing
paid off.

I think this
is really gonna happen.

So, what, uh...
what looks good to you?

0h, let's see.

CHRIS:
Oh, can't have anything salty.

I don't want to look bloated.

Garlic shrimp?

No. Dragon breath.

BECKER: I think I'll have
the garlic shrimp.

CHRIS: The first time
you sleep with someone

is always so romantic.

Oh, just look at him.

I bet he's
just as excited as I am.

BECKER:
God, I love coupons.

-0h, here, let me help you
with this. -0h, thanks.

BECKER: Oh, why did I eat
all those egg rolls?

I feel like I'm going
to have a Chinese baby.

CHRIS:
My head's pounding.

Why the hell didn't I eat more?

-So... here we are.
-Right, here we are. (chuckles)

BECKER: Man, that shrimp
is repeating on me.

CHRIS: My God, it's like
French-kissing a garlic press.

That was... that was nice.

Yeah, yeah, that was.

You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Why do you look like
you're going to throw up?

I'm sorry,
I-I feel like crap.

I ate... I ate too much.
Are you all right?

-You don't look so good
yourself. -No, you know what?

I-I think I'm getting
a migraine.

Uh, do you have a cold towel,
some aspirin?

My head is-is killing me.

You should have eaten something.

Maybe then I wouldn't
have eaten so much.

Oh... God!

I'll be fine in a minute. I'm...

Yeah, yeah, me, too. Me, too.

Oh, sorry.

Hey, you know,
what's the rush, right?

Yeah, absolutely no rush.

What-what, are you making
those aspirin yourself?

Thanks.

I'll get you some water.

No time.

Oh, boy.

(breathes deeply)

It's not happening
tonight, is it?

Sex? No.

Death?

One can only hope.

(moaning)

Okay, I know
his grandmother died,

but she was 80
and it was weeks ago.

I mean, get over it.

Look, Hector, everyone has
to grieve at their own pace.

(moaning)

If he does that one more time,
I'm going to shoot him.

So, buddy, how's it going?

(moans)

Last night, I went
to my nana's old apartment

to start going
through her stuff, and...

and it finally hit me--

she's really gone.

You know, I-I just sat there

for hours, holding her favorite
hat, crying like a baby.

Jake, that's
a toilet seat cover.

I thought it was kind of big.

Jake, this sitting around
moaning over Nana isn't healthy.

For anybody.

Well, what am I supposed to do?

You got to force yourself

to go down there
and clean out that apartment.

Keep a few things
you care about, sell the rest.

Sell my nana's stuff?

No, I can't do that.

Of course not.
You're too close to it.

But I'm not.

How about this?

For a small percentage,
I could handle the sale

in a professional
yet compassionate manner.

So, what do you say?

Let's rent a U-Haul and clear
that crap out of there.

Forget it.

You're not selling my memories.

It's a toilet seat cover.

Exactly what memory
does that represent?

Hector, is Jake here?

Just listen for a moan, then
look for a toilet seat cover.

Oh, God, he's still at it.

Quick, give me a coffee to go,
before Jake finds out I'm here.

He had me on the phone
for two hours last night

moaning about Nana.

I mean, I feel bad for him,
but come on!

Margaret, I'm so sorry.

It's not your fault.

Actually, it is.

I gave him your number.

Just for that,
the coffee's on the house.

Margaret?
-Damn!

0h, hi, Jake. Can't talk now.
Got to get to the office.

Oh, wait, I'll walk with you.

-No, that's okay.
-No, no, I'd like to.

I remembered some more stories
about my nana.

0h, all right, but I walk fast.
You got to keep up.

Why is Jake chasing Margaret
down the street

with a toilet seat cover?

Still grieving over Nana.

Don't see the connection.
Don't care.

Hey... I'm sorry
about last night.

Oh, God, I know.
I am so embarrassed.

You know, I-I really wanted us
to spend the night together.

So did I.

There's always tonight.

I'd like that.

Should I bring anything?

I think everything you need
you got on you.

BECKER:
God, I am so smooth.

CHRIS:
He is so much more attractive

when he doesn't talk.

Linda, have you seen the...

What in God's name
have you done?

I Feng Shui'ed
Dr. Becker's office.

Excuse me?

Feng Shui.

The art of arranging
your environment

so your life flows
the way it's supposed to.

No, no, I know what it means.

What I meant was,
what in God's name

possessed you to do this?

Well, it all started last night
when I met this monk in a bar...

Every time you start a story
like that, it does not end well.

Anyways, in between
Jell-O shots,

this monk told me...

The monk was doing Jell-O shots?

No, I was.

The monk
was doing straight tequila

and licking salt off my neck.

Anyways, he said that the reason
Dr. Becker's always angry

is because his chi is blocked.

So I redid his office

so that his energy
could flow more freely.

And I got him this.

It's an herbal mood enhancer

with the essence
of jasmine and lavender.

You run through it
to absorb its healing powers.

BECKER:
Margaret! Linda!

If I were you, I'd keep running.

Oh, there you are.

Oh, my God.

We've been robbed
and redecorated.

Apparently,
by a gay Asian burglar.

I Feng Shui'ed your office.

Where's my desk?

And-and my coat rack?

And my favorite tweed jacket?

Feng Shui says you can't sit
with your back to the door.

Enemies could enter unseen
and stab you.

The coat rack
blocked your chi,

and the tweed jacket, well,
that was just ugly.

I want my office back
exactly the way it was,

and I want it now.

-You're upset.
-You're damn right I'm up...

How do you feel now?

Upset and damp.

With a hint of lavender.

(gargling)

(knocking)

CHRIS:
John, it's Chris.

BECKER (mumbling):
I'll be right there.

(spitting)

-Hey. Hi.
-Hi.

Mm, wow, that was...
that was nice.

And, uh, minty.

Ah. Too much?

No, no, very, uh, refreshing.

Yeah, good.

I, uh... I got some wine there

and a candle I can light.

Uh, just give me an idea--

how-how much, uh, foreplay
are you looking for here?

Yeah... (chuckles)

I'll be honest, John,
I'm, uh... I'm good to go.

Oh, I thought I liked you
before...

So, uh...
where do you want to do...

We could go into the bedroom,
or we could, uh, the sofa there.

Or we-we could use the desk.

Although we'd have
to move the computer,

and I just paid a kid
to set that up.

Yeah, well... why don't we just

-figure it out as we go along?
-Ah.

Oh, oh, you know what?
Uh, just one thing.

Um, I tend to be
a little verbal.

I hope that's okay.

Uh... do I have
to say anything back?

No, no.

Well, you know, unless...
unless something occurs to you.

Yeah, well, now, give me a hint.

'Cause I don't want
to say anything wrong.

Well, I'd avoid any phrase
that includes the word "mommy."

0h.

I can do that.

(both chuckling)

All right...

(both chuckling)

(distant door opens and closes)

WOMAN:
Where the hell are you going?

MAN: Away from you.
You're out of your mind!

I can't believe those two.
Again?

I know. Just-just ignore them.

It's all right.

-MAN: You said it!
-WOMAN: Hey, hey...

You know, ev-ever since
they moved in here,

-they won't shut up.
-Yeah, yeah.

I know, John, forget it.
F-Forget them. They're just...

No, it's not...
No, it's just... it's not right.

John, John, no, no, no,
wait, John.

-Just give me a second.
Give me one second. -No, no, no.

Just give me a second. Hey!

-I'm going to feed my birds.
-0h, the hell you are.

Hey, will you two shut up!

Ah, mind your own business,
Becker!

-CHRIS: John?
-In a second.

Look, you clowns,
this is not a trailer park.

-Take it inside!
-Bite me!

"Bite me"?
Is that what you said?

Yeah, that's what I said.

You gonna do anything about it?

Get your flabby ass
out of my way, Becker.

Oh, you want to see flabby ass?

Six years, five kids,
that's going to look

like a garbage bag
full of pudding.

(gasps)

Hey, hey, hey.

You don't talk
to my wife that way.

-Yeah, punch him out, Tony!
-0h, please.

Uh, tell you what,
why don't you two

punch each other out,
and let me get back to my date.

-Your date?
-(door slams)

Who you going out with,
the Invisible Woman?

Chris?

Oh, for...

I hate you people.

Mr. Loman.

Under "reason for visit,"
you didn't write anything.

Wild guess--
erectile dysfunction?

Hey, hey, hey. Why don't you
just shout it down the hall?

Oh, it's nothing
to be embarrassed about.

I know it's upsetting,

but in most all cases,
it's treatable.

So you can help me?

Well, not me personally,
no, but, uh...

there are any number
of treatment options available.

-(knock at door)
-Yeah?

Sorry to interrupt,
but Chris is in your office.

Well, tell her
I'm with a patient.

-She said it's important.
-All right, all right.

Look, I'm sorry, Mr. Loman.
I'll be right back.

Hey, hey, is this going
to take long?

'Cause I'm kind of in a hurry
to get home.

Why?

Hey.

Wow, I knew you
loved Chinese food, but, uh...

Ah, Linda did this to me.

-Supposed to make me calm.
-0h.

Well, it didn't exactly
work last night.

Yeah, I-I know. I'm sorry.

But those damn people
are so rude.

You know, you know, John, they
are not the problem. We are.

-What do you mean?
-Yeah...

I was up all night
thinking about this.

I mean, why can't we have sex?

Well, it... it's not that
we can't. We can.

It's just that we haven't yet.
But we will.

You know, yeah, I don't know.
I mean, every time we get close,

something goes wrong.

Maybe subconsciously,
we're avoiding it

because we're afraid of moving
to a deeper level of commitment.

Where'd you get that crap?

I don't know. I was confused.
I called a radio show.

Look...

I-I don't know what's going on.

I mean, maybe
we're planning too much,

m-maybe we should just be
more spontaneous.

Wham? Spontaneous?
What-What do you want, you know,

have sex right here
in the office?

I mean, come on.

Why not?

I mean, we-we could.

I mean... well, why couldn't we?

Why not? Let's, let's.

Are you crazy?

Well, I mean, people do it.

I mean, they do it
in the airplane bathrooms

-and movie theaters.
-0h... no...

-No... -I mean, I hear
about it all the time.

Come on...
Yeah, but this is my office.

Yeah, that's what makes it
so exciting.

-Come on. -0h, no, no.
Hey, don't-don't... d-d...

No, look, this is bad.

You know, when I say bad,
I don't mean like sexy bad,

I mean like... like crazy bad.

I mean, we can't do this.

Can we?

Yeah, we can if we're quiet.

-We||...
-(knock at door)

Uh, give me, uh, ten minutes.

No, I-I need more.

Twelve.

I just need your signature.

Uh, go ahead and cough.

(coughs)

I think you're fine.

Thanks.

Uh, okay, now,
get out of here,

and, uh, don't-don't disturb me
for at least, uh, eight minutes.

(stammering)

I can't believe
we're doing this.

MARGARET:
John?

Yeah, see, now,
I think you're, uh...

I think you're walking
a lot better there.

-What are you doing?
-We||, Chris had

-something wrong with her,
uh... her ankle. -Knee.

-Or the... it was the ankle.
-Well, you know,

the ankle affects the knee--
it, uh... it's connected to it.

-Uh, uh, John, John, John.
-Yeah?

-We've got patients waiting.
-Mm-hmm.

Mrs. Adelstein is in room two
waiting for her blood test,

and you know how she is.

-She insists that you do it.
-All-a|| right.

Well, just tell her
I need five minutes.

-Seven. -Six.
-MARGARET: No.

-Come on. Come on, J-John.
-No, come on, Mar...

-Let's go. No. Come on.
-You can't do this. I...

-Hurry back. I'll be waiting.
-0h, my God, look at you.

Uh, Mrs. Adelstein, I know--
blood test.

Uh, just give me, uh...
three minutes.

-CHRIS: John...
-0h, my God.

Dr. Becker.

Two minutes.

It's the hospital.

Well...

Yeah, what?

No. Oh, for God's sake, no.

She's-she's allergic
to penicillin.

What do you think...?

Dr. Becker,
did you forget about me?

Dr. Becker?

(Chris screaming)

You... you were right.
Bad... bad idea.

I'm better now.

You're a wonderful doctor.

Is Chris here?

She went out this afternoon
and never came back.

I was going to close up, but...

-now you can.
-What...?

What-what... what's your hurry?

JAKE:
Margaret?

Damn.

Tag, you're it.

0h, hi, Jake.

How are you?

Okay, I guess.

I don't know.

Not so great.

Jake...

you know we all love you.

And we all feel badly
that you lost your nana.

But, Jake, you got
to get over this

and get on with your life.

Yeah, everybody says that,
but I don't know how.

I miss her so much.

Oh, I know.

You know, the hardest part
of it is that...

whenever I was upset,

she was the first person
I'd go to.

No matter how old I got, she...

she'd still put
her arm around me,

stroke my hair...

I'd lay my head on her chest,

and she'd tell me
everything would be okay.

0h, Jake, that is so sweet,
but...

I'm sure your nana

wouldn't want you
to be this miserable.

-Yeah, yeah.
-Come on.

-It just takes time.
-Yeah.

Trust me.

-It's gonna be okay.
-Yeah.

Jake, it's not a Holiday Inn.

-Hey.
-Hey.

John, I just want to apologize.

I-I hope I didn't cause
too much trouble at your office.

Trouble? Are you kidding me?

-You cured a man.
-0h...

It was a crazy idea.

No, no, no, it was a good idea.

"A" for effort.

What is wrong with us?

I don't know. You know,

getting together
shouldn't be this difficult.

Yeah, you know,
you'd think two people

attracted to each other,
it would just happen.

You'd think.

Unless it's not supposed to.

Maybe-maybe the universe
is trying to tell us

that we're just not meant
to be together.

No, what do you...
what do you mean?

Yeah, maybe... maybe we're just
meant to be friends.

Oh, no, no. Hey, we-we can't
give up on this.

You may be my last chance.

-What are you talking about?
-We||...

after my last divorce,
I thought I was

out of the game,
you know, but...

suddenly now I'm back
in the lineup.

I'm in my uniform,
I'm stepping up to the plate.

I'm ready to hit a few.

Hit a few?

I mean, you're-you're kidding,
right?

-I mean...
-We||,

what do you want me to say?

How about you're crazy about me,
and the one thing you want

more than anything in the world
is to make love to me?

How about that?

Well, there's no sense
in us both saying it.

Come here.

WOMAN: You're not going drinking
with your friends again!

-MAN: Why? You think I can
handle you sober?! -No...

-Ah-ah-ah! Ah!
-WOMAN: You get back here!

-MAN: Hey, shut up, you cow!
-WOMAN: Oh, you shut up!

Hey, hey, both of you shut up!

If you ruin
one more night for me,

I'm going to come down there
and rip your lungs out!

I've never been
more attracted to you

than I am at this moment.