Becker (1998–2004): Season 5, Episode 6 - The 100th - full transcript
Becker tries to discourage a friend from expressing interest in Chris by telling him that she is gay. Unfortunately, the friend sets up Chris with a lesbian acquaintance. Bob buys a pair of walkie-talkies so that he and Jake can stay in constant contact.
♪♪
Good morning, everybody.
I'm back. Did you miss me?
Yeah, like I miss
that headache that I...
Oh, there it is again.
Very funny.
Yeah, just for that, I'm
not going to tell you about
the greatest medical
convention I've ever been to.
Thank you, baby Jesus.
- Yeah, I had a great time.
- Oh... -Oh, no.
I usually don't like going
to those things, you know,
dull speeches,
same old tired slides
of cigarette-ravaged lungs.
This time, though, this time
I met somebody; I had a ball.
- Met someone?
- Mmm.
I thought you still
had the hots for, uh...
I'm pointing at Chris.
Actually, uh, that's history.
She had her chance
with me, and she blew it.
So, uh, who's this new girl?
What? Oh, uh... it's
not a girl; it's a guy.
Wow, somehow, I thought
when you came out of the closet,
it would be a much bigger deal.
Don't be an idiot; I'm not gay.
You say one thing, but
your walk says another.
Tony and I met at a
malpractice seminar.
He's a neurologist.
Ooh, a doctor!
Your family will be so proud,
once they get
over the gay thing.
Yeah, it was so refreshing
to finally meet someone
with whom I could have
an intelligent conversation.
Well, well, look who's suddenly
too good for the word "who."
Oh, you know something?
You guys aren't worth it.
My fault for hanging out
with a bunch of morons.
Huh... I never noticed
the walk before.
That's nice for Becker.
Looks like he
found what we have.
What do we have, Bob?
Friendship.
Oh, yeah, I guess
we're friends. Yeah.
Well, what kind of friends?
I mean, would you say
we're closer than John
and that Tony guy?
- Well, they just met.
- Well, that's my point.
I mean, if they're
friends, then you and I
would have to be good friends.
I mean, maybe even
best friends, right?
All right, you know, Bob,
if that'll set you up, fine.
- We're best friends.
- Okay.
There's only one
thing left to do.
Come on, bring it in.
Bring what in?
All right, I'll bring it to you.
I gotta say, I didn't
see this one coming.
Mrs. Katz, I think
the best thing
for you to do is just go home
and try to make your husband
as comfortable as possible.
Is there no hope at all?
No, I'm afraid not.
I don't think he has
much longer to live.
Yes, it's about time!
Yeah, she also doesn't
have much longer to live.
I'm so sorry. Please,
please forgive us.
What the hell
was that all about?
She's trying to win a
radio contest on B100-FM.
Is that why I pay her?
You really want to tackle
life's big questions now?
Hello? Am I on the air?
All right!
This is Linda from the Bronx,
and I'd like to give a shout-out
to Mrs. Dorothy Johnson.
Your test came back;
it's just a yeast infection.
Linda!
I'm multitasking.
Okay, I'm ready.
What's the question?
"What war lasted 116 years?"
Oh, that's easy; the
Hundred Years' War.
Shh! I'm on the phone.
Okay, okay, let's see.
World War I, that
was one year...
The Hundred Years' War.
Okay, uh, World War II,
that was ten nights on HBO.
The Hundred Years' War.
Okay, okay!
I'll just guess.
The Hundred Years' War?
It is?
I just won $100!
I was drawing a total blank,
and then suddenly the answer
just popped into my head!
Amazing.
Linda, could you please
finish this in the back?
We've got patients.
Hold on.
Whoo! B100 rocks!
I can't believe that.
You give her the right answer,
she gets a hundred bucks,
and not even so
much as a thank you.
Oh, it's all right, John.
Let her have her
moment in the sun.
I mean, what am I gonna do?
Go back there and
ask her for the money?
Yeah, you're right,
that'd be petty.
Although she did use my phone.
Oh, Linda! Linda?
Hey, Jake, how's
my new best friend?
Oh, God.
Look, I changed all
my personal records,
and you're now my
emergency contact.
What, me? Wh-What
about your mother?
You ever try getting CPR from
someone with emphysema?
Bob, that's a
big responsibility.
Plus, I don't know if I'll
always be reachable...
Hey, way ahead of you.
That's why I got us
these walkie-talkies.
This way, we'll
always be in touch.
Pretty cool, huh? Check it out.
Come in, Jake, come in.
Get out, Bob, get out.
That's a good idea.
You know, they're supposed
to have a range
of up to five miles.
Let's check it out.
That's a great idea.
Can you hear me now?
Yeah. Keep going.
I'll tell you when to stop.
Hey, Jake. What's going on?
I'm getting on the bus.
Hey lady, move your fat ass.
That's very impressive.
Can you do that while
you drink a glass of water?
Hey, Tony. Sorry I'm late.
I got hung up
with some patients.
Oh, no problem. Chris and I
have been having a great time.
Yeah, so I see.
John, I can certainly see why
you enjoyed spending
time with Tony.
On the other hand,
Tony... I don't get it.
What a great sense of humor.
Not really.
You know what, I'm not
going to have time for lunch.
I got to get back to
the office, but, uh,
before I go, I think I'm
going to ask Chris out.
Wait, wait, wait.
You and Chris?
Oh, no, no, no,
that-that's a bad idea.
Why?
Well... she's
just not your type.
Why not? Is she
married? Got a boyfriend?
No, no, no, it's not...
Look, Tony, the truth is,
there's something going on
here that you don't understand.
See, Chris is...
Don't tell me she's gay.
Well, it-it's really
not my place to say.
Oh...
Wow, just my luck.
Hey, thanks for the heads-up.
That could have been awkward.
No kidding.
Well, you know what,
I really do have to go.
Listen, would you say
good-bye to her for me?
- Sure. Yeah.
- Okay.
Hey, listen, let's have
some, uh, dinner later.
Great, yeah. Stop by my office.
Okay.
Where did Tony go?
- He had to leave.
- Hmm.
I, uh... I kind of like
him. What's his story?
Tony's gay.
Oh. Damn.
The good ones
are never available,
and the other ones are... you.
Hey, Linda, I had to
come by and tell you,
I heard that "Hundred
Years' War" thing.
Were you, like, a history major?
Or are you just
one of those people
who knows a little
bit about everything?
Well, I don't like to brag,
Tracy, but what I do know,
I definitely know
a little about.
Isn't it amazing
how she came up
with that answer?
Not to me.
- Yes, may I help you?
- Yeah.
Hi. Tony Holland,
here to see Dr. Becker.
Oh, yes, Dr. Holland.
You can go on back.
Oh, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
Let me ask you a question.
Do you know what
war lasted 116 years?
Actually, I didn't
until this morning
when I heard this
brilliant girl on the radio...
Oh, just go on back.
Hey, John, you ready to go?
Hey, Tony! You know, give me a
second here, will you? Sit down.
So, get this: I
hired a new nurse
- in my office today, Sandy.
- Yeah?
Turns out she's gay, too.
"Too"? Well, who else is gay?
Chris. You know, diner?
Oh, yeah, right,
Chris. Yeah, yeah.
Some-sometimes
I forget she's gay.
But I'm, uh... I'm real
glad you remembered.
Although, you never know,
maybe I could be the
one to turn her around.
What, turn her
around? Oh, no, see,
that is exactly the
kind of arrogant
stereotypical male thinking
that led to the oppression
of gay women, you know.
As a matter of fact, all women.
Easy, John. I was kidding.
Oh, man, I'm sorry, I don't...
So, listen, where
do you want to eat?
Well, uh, a new Hooter's
opened up nearby.
Oh, God.
Hey, Jake, it's me, Bob.
I'm a block away from the diner.
You want to have lunch?
Uh... uh, Bob, I'm
not at the diner.
I'm at Grand Central Station.
Great. I'll meet
you under the clock.
Will do.
That'll buy me a couple hours.
Hey.
Can I have some coffee, please?
Yeah. I heard from
your friend Tony.
Oh... Tony called
you? What did he want?
Well, apparently,
there's a nurse
in his office who just
moved to New York,
and since I'm new in town,
he thought it would be nice
if Sandy and I got together.
Oh, good.
Oh, wait.
Oh, uh... Sandy
from Tony's off...
Uh, see, that... I
think that's a bad idea.
Why? He said he thought
we'd have a lot in common.
No, I-I think you should cancel.
No, I'm not gonna cancel.
Sounds like a good time.
Chris, this is New York City.
You can't just go out
drinking with strangers.
She works for your friend!
Tony? I hardly know him.
Now, what... what if this Sandy
turns out to be some
sort of psycho killer?
No, you can't go.
What happens if I go?
You going to ground me?
All right, fine, go.
Yeah, but when you're
sitting around her freezer
in nine different mason jars,
don't come crying to me!
Hey, Margaret, look.
I picked up my hundred dollars.
100 crisp one-dollar bills.
And you know what
the best part is?
No. Why don't you tell me?
It's that I never
knew I was so smart.
There I was,
standing, on the phone,
the clock ticking,
the pressure on,
and then all of a sudden
the answer was just...
Oh, for God's sake, Linda!
I gave you that answer.
I was standing right behind you,
and I said "Hundred Years' War."
And I got absolutely
no credit for it.
Margaret, you did not
give me that answer.
It was in the back of my head.
I was in the back of your head,
which I'm about to be again.
Dr. Becker, Margaret thinks
she gave me the answer
to that contest. Did she?
Of course she did.
She was standing
right behind you
and said it like
a hundred times.
Margaret, I'm sorry.
I thought I came
up with it myself.
Excuse me.
Apparently, I have taken credit
where credit wasn't due.
Yesterday, when
I won that contest,
Margaret gave me the answer.
All the congratulatory
phone calls I received,
the pride that I felt in myself,
it was all based on nothing.
I know nothing.
I am nothing.
Here, this is yours.
Linda, wait.
Maybe...
Maybe we should share the money.
No, Margaret, that
wouldn't be right.
I wasn't the smart
one. You were.
Wait! Wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.
Linda...
if I made you feel
that way, I am so sorry.
Here, you keep all of it.
No, I don't deserve it.
Yes, you do.
You were the one who
listened to the radio station.
You found out
about that contest.
You took the initiative,
and you kept calling
till you got through.
It was your moment,
and I intruded.
I'm ashamed of myself.
Here, you keep it. I insist.
Might not have known
the answer to that question,
but I was smart enough
to keep this money.
What are you doing?
We have patients waiting.
Oh, I'm just thinking
about what I did.
What did you do?
Well... I may have let Tony
think that Chris was gay,
and then let Chris
think that Tony was gay,
and then Tony told his
nurse, who actually is gay,
and then she asked
Chris out on a date,
only Chris doesn't
know it's a date.
Is that a big problem, or
am I just overthinking it?
Do you live in a cartoon?
Hey, you know, I did this
for all the right reasons.
I saw the two of them together,
and I felt, you
know, threatened.
I thought Chris didn't want to
have anything to do with you.
She doesn't. But
if she ever does,
it won't help me to have
Tony hanging around, will it?
Wait a minute.
Have-have Chris and
this woman been out yet?
No, no.
Well, then you better figure out
how to undo it before Chris ends
up in an embarrassing situation.
Just tell her the truth.
No, wait, let's
not be hasty here.
Wait, look, look. Wait,
all right, wait, wait.
You see, I haven't
thought this through,
but do you think it would
help if I told him that I was gay?
Gay people have enough
headaches; they don't need you.
Hey, Jake, I'm sorry I didn't
show up at the train station,
but I left my
walkie-talkie on the bus,
and I ended up chasing it
all the way down to SoHo.
Can you forgive me?
Did you get the
walkie-talkie back?
- No.
- Then I forgive you.
But I think I found a
way to make it up to you.
Check it out.
Sorry about that.
It's a T-shirt with
your picture on it.
Oh, God.
And I got you one
with my picture on it!
Oh, God.
I mean, you know, I'm not
saying we gotta wear them together
or anything, 'cause
that would be like...
- Scary?
- Yeah, okay.
But, you know, maybe
sometime at a ballgame...
Hey, Bob, Bob,
Bob, Bob, Bob, look.
Let me tell you
what I want to do.
I want to take our friendship
to a whole new level.
Is this when I get to
meet your parents?
No... all right, here's
the thing about us, Bob.
You and I, we're-we're so close
that sometimes we
don't need to speak.
Yeah... we know
each other so well
that we can guess
what the other is thinking.
We could go days, even
weeks, without even saying hello.
But that wouldn't
matter, you know why?
Because you and I, we'd
know... that we're best friends.
You're blowing
me off, aren't you?
See, you know what I'm thinking.
Wow.
That's pretty cold, Jake.
I mean...
I was just trying
to reach out for a
little friendship, but...
if you don't want that,
you know, it's fine.
All right, you're right, Bob,
that was a little insensitive.
Why don't we start over?
- I don't know.
- Oh, come on, Bob.
I really didn't mean
to hurt your feelings.
Okay, I can't stay
mad at you, right?
You're my best friend.
Come on, bring it in!
- Okay.
- Bring it in!
- A little to the left.
- Okay.
- A little more.
- Yeah.
Go ahead, go ahead.
Ow!
Don't toy with my
emotions again.
Hey, guys. Is Chris here?
- No. She left early.
- Oh, where'd she go?
She went to the Century Bistro
to meet some woman for drinks.
Tonight? That's
happening tonight?
Oh, brother.
Well, too late for honesty now.
- What's going on?
- Oh, it's a long story.
It's about Chris and
some lesbian nurse.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! That's
my favorite bedtime story.
I tell you, if they get
together now, I'm screwed.
Oh, so you know how it ends.
Hey, Chris, is that you?
Ah, what a coincidence?
What are you doing here?
Well, I-I have a date,
but I'm a little early,
and I, you know,
happened to spot you,
and I thought it would be polite
just to come over and say hello.
- Mm.
- Oh, who's this?
Uh, John, this is Sandy.
Sandy, this is John, my stalker.
Ah. Quite-quite
a sense of humor.
John Becker. Nice to meet you.
Hi.
You know, there...
there's no space at the bar.
You mind if I wait with you?
Uh, no, no, no, I don't think...
Thank you. Thank you very much.
So, what have you
two been talking about?
- Catch me up.
- We were just...
getting to know each other.
You know, finding out
what we have in common.
- Uh-huh.
- I'm pleased to find out
that unlike many people I've
met since coming to New York,
Sandy is very sane.
Ha! There it is again,
that sense of humor.
Oh! My God.
I am so sorry. I...
What is wrong with you?
Excuse me.
Oh, Sandy, I need
to talk to you. Uh...
I'm not here by accident.
I'm the one who
introduced Chris to Tony,
so I kind of feel responsible
about getting the
two of you together.
Oh, well, thank you.
She seems great.
Well, she's not.
She's a dishonest,
deceitful person.
You saw how rude she was to me.
I-I think that that's
because she knows
that I know her secret.
Her secret?
Yes, see-see... uh, she's
in a... a relationship already.
See, she's here with you,
cheating on her girlfriend.
Oh, no, I can't believe that.
Oh, no, believe it,
believe it. See, I know this
because she happens to
be in a relationship with...
my sister, uh...
my-my sister Pepper.
Uh...
It's a... it's a
family nickname.
Any-Anyway, look...
uh, I just can't sit here
and watch her do that to
you or to my sister, you know.
Look, frankly,
if I were you, I...
I wouldn't blame... just
get up and leave, really.
You know, I just got out
of a really bad relationship.
I so don't need another one.
And you so don't deserve it.
I think you should
go. Really, really.
You know what? You're right.
Thank you for telling me, John.
- Mmm.
- Seriously...
why do people lie like that?
I don't know.
Where's, uh... where's Sandy?
She left.
- What did you do?
- Nothing.
We... It... As soon
as you walked away,
she-she... she came on to me.
I can't believe that.
Not only that, she wanted
to have sex, not just with me;
she wanted to have
sex with you, too.
She wanted a threesome.
And I said, you
know, "Forget it.
That's not happening."
It's not happening, is it?
It's... of course, that's
why I said, you know,
"Take a hike, Sandy."
And all that happened in
the two minutes I was gone?
See, that's why I
told you, you just can't
go out with strangers
in New York, Chris.
I... I was just about
to leave, but I...
I wanted to come back to
tell you something myself.
That's all right, I've
explained everything.
You see, it's women like you
who give lesbians a bad name.
What?
When you're in a
relationship with someone,
you don't agree to be fixed
up with another woman.
It's a waste of my time,
and it's a waste of your time.
Not to mention his
poor sister, Pepper.
I had no idea you
were a lesbian.
What just happened here?
All right, you know,
sometimes when there's a mis...
misunderstanding like this,
it's just best to walk away.
Sit down!
Did you tell her I was gay?
No.
Tony did.
Why... why would
Tony think I was gay?
Where would he
even get that idea?
I don't know.
M-Maybe you're giving
off some kind of vibe.
Did you tell Tony I was gay?
No, absolutely not.
He guessed it.
Wait a minute, you
told Tony I was gay
so he wouldn't be
interested in me,
and then you told me he was gay
so I wouldn't be
interested in him, right?
Oh, come on, do you think I'm
capable of something like that?
You made up a sister
named Pepper Becker.
You're right. You're right.
I am pathetic.
It's just that...
I've been so very, very sick.
Oh, shut up. No, no.
You know, when I first met
you, sure, I saw the gruff exterior
and the awkward ham-handed
way you went through life,
but I thought there was
a good man underneath.
Someone who was
mature, intelligent,
maybe even sensitive.
But there's not a
day that goes by
that you don't prove
you're almost completely
emotionally retarded.
You're exactly right.
Now, I... I don't know
what's happening to me.
I mean, I... I
don't act like this.
I hate people who act like this.
It's just that ever
since I met you, I...
You know what? Forget it.
Look...
I'll never bother
you again. I promise.
Never.
I think I must have
dropped my keys.
Oh, yeah, here they are.
Never again, starting now.
Good morning, everybody.
I'm back. Did you miss me?
Yeah, like I miss
that headache that I...
Oh, there it is again.
Very funny.
Yeah, just for that, I'm
not going to tell you about
the greatest medical
convention I've ever been to.
Thank you, baby Jesus.
- Yeah, I had a great time.
- Oh... -Oh, no.
I usually don't like going
to those things, you know,
dull speeches,
same old tired slides
of cigarette-ravaged lungs.
This time, though, this time
I met somebody; I had a ball.
- Met someone?
- Mmm.
I thought you still
had the hots for, uh...
I'm pointing at Chris.
Actually, uh, that's history.
She had her chance
with me, and she blew it.
So, uh, who's this new girl?
What? Oh, uh... it's
not a girl; it's a guy.
Wow, somehow, I thought
when you came out of the closet,
it would be a much bigger deal.
Don't be an idiot; I'm not gay.
You say one thing, but
your walk says another.
Tony and I met at a
malpractice seminar.
He's a neurologist.
Ooh, a doctor!
Your family will be so proud,
once they get
over the gay thing.
Yeah, it was so refreshing
to finally meet someone
with whom I could have
an intelligent conversation.
Well, well, look who's suddenly
too good for the word "who."
Oh, you know something?
You guys aren't worth it.
My fault for hanging out
with a bunch of morons.
Huh... I never noticed
the walk before.
That's nice for Becker.
Looks like he
found what we have.
What do we have, Bob?
Friendship.
Oh, yeah, I guess
we're friends. Yeah.
Well, what kind of friends?
I mean, would you say
we're closer than John
and that Tony guy?
- Well, they just met.
- Well, that's my point.
I mean, if they're
friends, then you and I
would have to be good friends.
I mean, maybe even
best friends, right?
All right, you know, Bob,
if that'll set you up, fine.
- We're best friends.
- Okay.
There's only one
thing left to do.
Come on, bring it in.
Bring what in?
All right, I'll bring it to you.
I gotta say, I didn't
see this one coming.
Mrs. Katz, I think
the best thing
for you to do is just go home
and try to make your husband
as comfortable as possible.
Is there no hope at all?
No, I'm afraid not.
I don't think he has
much longer to live.
Yes, it's about time!
Yeah, she also doesn't
have much longer to live.
I'm so sorry. Please,
please forgive us.
What the hell
was that all about?
She's trying to win a
radio contest on B100-FM.
Is that why I pay her?
You really want to tackle
life's big questions now?
Hello? Am I on the air?
All right!
This is Linda from the Bronx,
and I'd like to give a shout-out
to Mrs. Dorothy Johnson.
Your test came back;
it's just a yeast infection.
Linda!
I'm multitasking.
Okay, I'm ready.
What's the question?
"What war lasted 116 years?"
Oh, that's easy; the
Hundred Years' War.
Shh! I'm on the phone.
Okay, okay, let's see.
World War I, that
was one year...
The Hundred Years' War.
Okay, uh, World War II,
that was ten nights on HBO.
The Hundred Years' War.
Okay, okay!
I'll just guess.
The Hundred Years' War?
It is?
I just won $100!
I was drawing a total blank,
and then suddenly the answer
just popped into my head!
Amazing.
Linda, could you please
finish this in the back?
We've got patients.
Hold on.
Whoo! B100 rocks!
I can't believe that.
You give her the right answer,
she gets a hundred bucks,
and not even so
much as a thank you.
Oh, it's all right, John.
Let her have her
moment in the sun.
I mean, what am I gonna do?
Go back there and
ask her for the money?
Yeah, you're right,
that'd be petty.
Although she did use my phone.
Oh, Linda! Linda?
Hey, Jake, how's
my new best friend?
Oh, God.
Look, I changed all
my personal records,
and you're now my
emergency contact.
What, me? Wh-What
about your mother?
You ever try getting CPR from
someone with emphysema?
Bob, that's a
big responsibility.
Plus, I don't know if I'll
always be reachable...
Hey, way ahead of you.
That's why I got us
these walkie-talkies.
This way, we'll
always be in touch.
Pretty cool, huh? Check it out.
Come in, Jake, come in.
Get out, Bob, get out.
That's a good idea.
You know, they're supposed
to have a range
of up to five miles.
Let's check it out.
That's a great idea.
Can you hear me now?
Yeah. Keep going.
I'll tell you when to stop.
Hey, Jake. What's going on?
I'm getting on the bus.
Hey lady, move your fat ass.
That's very impressive.
Can you do that while
you drink a glass of water?
Hey, Tony. Sorry I'm late.
I got hung up
with some patients.
Oh, no problem. Chris and I
have been having a great time.
Yeah, so I see.
John, I can certainly see why
you enjoyed spending
time with Tony.
On the other hand,
Tony... I don't get it.
What a great sense of humor.
Not really.
You know what, I'm not
going to have time for lunch.
I got to get back to
the office, but, uh,
before I go, I think I'm
going to ask Chris out.
Wait, wait, wait.
You and Chris?
Oh, no, no, no,
that-that's a bad idea.
Why?
Well... she's
just not your type.
Why not? Is she
married? Got a boyfriend?
No, no, no, it's not...
Look, Tony, the truth is,
there's something going on
here that you don't understand.
See, Chris is...
Don't tell me she's gay.
Well, it-it's really
not my place to say.
Oh...
Wow, just my luck.
Hey, thanks for the heads-up.
That could have been awkward.
No kidding.
Well, you know what,
I really do have to go.
Listen, would you say
good-bye to her for me?
- Sure. Yeah.
- Okay.
Hey, listen, let's have
some, uh, dinner later.
Great, yeah. Stop by my office.
Okay.
Where did Tony go?
- He had to leave.
- Hmm.
I, uh... I kind of like
him. What's his story?
Tony's gay.
Oh. Damn.
The good ones
are never available,
and the other ones are... you.
Hey, Linda, I had to
come by and tell you,
I heard that "Hundred
Years' War" thing.
Were you, like, a history major?
Or are you just
one of those people
who knows a little
bit about everything?
Well, I don't like to brag,
Tracy, but what I do know,
I definitely know
a little about.
Isn't it amazing
how she came up
with that answer?
Not to me.
- Yes, may I help you?
- Yeah.
Hi. Tony Holland,
here to see Dr. Becker.
Oh, yes, Dr. Holland.
You can go on back.
Oh, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
Let me ask you a question.
Do you know what
war lasted 116 years?
Actually, I didn't
until this morning
when I heard this
brilliant girl on the radio...
Oh, just go on back.
Hey, John, you ready to go?
Hey, Tony! You know, give me a
second here, will you? Sit down.
So, get this: I
hired a new nurse
- in my office today, Sandy.
- Yeah?
Turns out she's gay, too.
"Too"? Well, who else is gay?
Chris. You know, diner?
Oh, yeah, right,
Chris. Yeah, yeah.
Some-sometimes
I forget she's gay.
But I'm, uh... I'm real
glad you remembered.
Although, you never know,
maybe I could be the
one to turn her around.
What, turn her
around? Oh, no, see,
that is exactly the
kind of arrogant
stereotypical male thinking
that led to the oppression
of gay women, you know.
As a matter of fact, all women.
Easy, John. I was kidding.
Oh, man, I'm sorry, I don't...
So, listen, where
do you want to eat?
Well, uh, a new Hooter's
opened up nearby.
Oh, God.
Hey, Jake, it's me, Bob.
I'm a block away from the diner.
You want to have lunch?
Uh... uh, Bob, I'm
not at the diner.
I'm at Grand Central Station.
Great. I'll meet
you under the clock.
Will do.
That'll buy me a couple hours.
Hey.
Can I have some coffee, please?
Yeah. I heard from
your friend Tony.
Oh... Tony called
you? What did he want?
Well, apparently,
there's a nurse
in his office who just
moved to New York,
and since I'm new in town,
he thought it would be nice
if Sandy and I got together.
Oh, good.
Oh, wait.
Oh, uh... Sandy
from Tony's off...
Uh, see, that... I
think that's a bad idea.
Why? He said he thought
we'd have a lot in common.
No, I-I think you should cancel.
No, I'm not gonna cancel.
Sounds like a good time.
Chris, this is New York City.
You can't just go out
drinking with strangers.
She works for your friend!
Tony? I hardly know him.
Now, what... what if this Sandy
turns out to be some
sort of psycho killer?
No, you can't go.
What happens if I go?
You going to ground me?
All right, fine, go.
Yeah, but when you're
sitting around her freezer
in nine different mason jars,
don't come crying to me!
Hey, Margaret, look.
I picked up my hundred dollars.
100 crisp one-dollar bills.
And you know what
the best part is?
No. Why don't you tell me?
It's that I never
knew I was so smart.
There I was,
standing, on the phone,
the clock ticking,
the pressure on,
and then all of a sudden
the answer was just...
Oh, for God's sake, Linda!
I gave you that answer.
I was standing right behind you,
and I said "Hundred Years' War."
And I got absolutely
no credit for it.
Margaret, you did not
give me that answer.
It was in the back of my head.
I was in the back of your head,
which I'm about to be again.
Dr. Becker, Margaret thinks
she gave me the answer
to that contest. Did she?
Of course she did.
She was standing
right behind you
and said it like
a hundred times.
Margaret, I'm sorry.
I thought I came
up with it myself.
Excuse me.
Apparently, I have taken credit
where credit wasn't due.
Yesterday, when
I won that contest,
Margaret gave me the answer.
All the congratulatory
phone calls I received,
the pride that I felt in myself,
it was all based on nothing.
I know nothing.
I am nothing.
Here, this is yours.
Linda, wait.
Maybe...
Maybe we should share the money.
No, Margaret, that
wouldn't be right.
I wasn't the smart
one. You were.
Wait! Wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.
Linda...
if I made you feel
that way, I am so sorry.
Here, you keep all of it.
No, I don't deserve it.
Yes, you do.
You were the one who
listened to the radio station.
You found out
about that contest.
You took the initiative,
and you kept calling
till you got through.
It was your moment,
and I intruded.
I'm ashamed of myself.
Here, you keep it. I insist.
Might not have known
the answer to that question,
but I was smart enough
to keep this money.
What are you doing?
We have patients waiting.
Oh, I'm just thinking
about what I did.
What did you do?
Well... I may have let Tony
think that Chris was gay,
and then let Chris
think that Tony was gay,
and then Tony told his
nurse, who actually is gay,
and then she asked
Chris out on a date,
only Chris doesn't
know it's a date.
Is that a big problem, or
am I just overthinking it?
Do you live in a cartoon?
Hey, you know, I did this
for all the right reasons.
I saw the two of them together,
and I felt, you
know, threatened.
I thought Chris didn't want to
have anything to do with you.
She doesn't. But
if she ever does,
it won't help me to have
Tony hanging around, will it?
Wait a minute.
Have-have Chris and
this woman been out yet?
No, no.
Well, then you better figure out
how to undo it before Chris ends
up in an embarrassing situation.
Just tell her the truth.
No, wait, let's
not be hasty here.
Wait, look, look. Wait,
all right, wait, wait.
You see, I haven't
thought this through,
but do you think it would
help if I told him that I was gay?
Gay people have enough
headaches; they don't need you.
Hey, Jake, I'm sorry I didn't
show up at the train station,
but I left my
walkie-talkie on the bus,
and I ended up chasing it
all the way down to SoHo.
Can you forgive me?
Did you get the
walkie-talkie back?
- No.
- Then I forgive you.
But I think I found a
way to make it up to you.
Check it out.
Sorry about that.
It's a T-shirt with
your picture on it.
Oh, God.
And I got you one
with my picture on it!
Oh, God.
I mean, you know, I'm not
saying we gotta wear them together
or anything, 'cause
that would be like...
- Scary?
- Yeah, okay.
But, you know, maybe
sometime at a ballgame...
Hey, Bob, Bob,
Bob, Bob, Bob, look.
Let me tell you
what I want to do.
I want to take our friendship
to a whole new level.
Is this when I get to
meet your parents?
No... all right, here's
the thing about us, Bob.
You and I, we're-we're so close
that sometimes we
don't need to speak.
Yeah... we know
each other so well
that we can guess
what the other is thinking.
We could go days, even
weeks, without even saying hello.
But that wouldn't
matter, you know why?
Because you and I, we'd
know... that we're best friends.
You're blowing
me off, aren't you?
See, you know what I'm thinking.
Wow.
That's pretty cold, Jake.
I mean...
I was just trying
to reach out for a
little friendship, but...
if you don't want that,
you know, it's fine.
All right, you're right, Bob,
that was a little insensitive.
Why don't we start over?
- I don't know.
- Oh, come on, Bob.
I really didn't mean
to hurt your feelings.
Okay, I can't stay
mad at you, right?
You're my best friend.
Come on, bring it in!
- Okay.
- Bring it in!
- A little to the left.
- Okay.
- A little more.
- Yeah.
Go ahead, go ahead.
Ow!
Don't toy with my
emotions again.
Hey, guys. Is Chris here?
- No. She left early.
- Oh, where'd she go?
She went to the Century Bistro
to meet some woman for drinks.
Tonight? That's
happening tonight?
Oh, brother.
Well, too late for honesty now.
- What's going on?
- Oh, it's a long story.
It's about Chris and
some lesbian nurse.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! That's
my favorite bedtime story.
I tell you, if they get
together now, I'm screwed.
Oh, so you know how it ends.
Hey, Chris, is that you?
Ah, what a coincidence?
What are you doing here?
Well, I-I have a date,
but I'm a little early,
and I, you know,
happened to spot you,
and I thought it would be polite
just to come over and say hello.
- Mm.
- Oh, who's this?
Uh, John, this is Sandy.
Sandy, this is John, my stalker.
Ah. Quite-quite
a sense of humor.
John Becker. Nice to meet you.
Hi.
You know, there...
there's no space at the bar.
You mind if I wait with you?
Uh, no, no, no, I don't think...
Thank you. Thank you very much.
So, what have you
two been talking about?
- Catch me up.
- We were just...
getting to know each other.
You know, finding out
what we have in common.
- Uh-huh.
- I'm pleased to find out
that unlike many people I've
met since coming to New York,
Sandy is very sane.
Ha! There it is again,
that sense of humor.
Oh! My God.
I am so sorry. I...
What is wrong with you?
Excuse me.
Oh, Sandy, I need
to talk to you. Uh...
I'm not here by accident.
I'm the one who
introduced Chris to Tony,
so I kind of feel responsible
about getting the
two of you together.
Oh, well, thank you.
She seems great.
Well, she's not.
She's a dishonest,
deceitful person.
You saw how rude she was to me.
I-I think that that's
because she knows
that I know her secret.
Her secret?
Yes, see-see... uh, she's
in a... a relationship already.
See, she's here with you,
cheating on her girlfriend.
Oh, no, I can't believe that.
Oh, no, believe it,
believe it. See, I know this
because she happens to
be in a relationship with...
my sister, uh...
my-my sister Pepper.
Uh...
It's a... it's a
family nickname.
Any-Anyway, look...
uh, I just can't sit here
and watch her do that to
you or to my sister, you know.
Look, frankly,
if I were you, I...
I wouldn't blame... just
get up and leave, really.
You know, I just got out
of a really bad relationship.
I so don't need another one.
And you so don't deserve it.
I think you should
go. Really, really.
You know what? You're right.
Thank you for telling me, John.
- Mmm.
- Seriously...
why do people lie like that?
I don't know.
Where's, uh... where's Sandy?
She left.
- What did you do?
- Nothing.
We... It... As soon
as you walked away,
she-she... she came on to me.
I can't believe that.
Not only that, she wanted
to have sex, not just with me;
she wanted to have
sex with you, too.
She wanted a threesome.
And I said, you
know, "Forget it.
That's not happening."
It's not happening, is it?
It's... of course, that's
why I said, you know,
"Take a hike, Sandy."
And all that happened in
the two minutes I was gone?
See, that's why I
told you, you just can't
go out with strangers
in New York, Chris.
I... I was just about
to leave, but I...
I wanted to come back to
tell you something myself.
That's all right, I've
explained everything.
You see, it's women like you
who give lesbians a bad name.
What?
When you're in a
relationship with someone,
you don't agree to be fixed
up with another woman.
It's a waste of my time,
and it's a waste of your time.
Not to mention his
poor sister, Pepper.
I had no idea you
were a lesbian.
What just happened here?
All right, you know,
sometimes when there's a mis...
misunderstanding like this,
it's just best to walk away.
Sit down!
Did you tell her I was gay?
No.
Tony did.
Why... why would
Tony think I was gay?
Where would he
even get that idea?
I don't know.
M-Maybe you're giving
off some kind of vibe.
Did you tell Tony I was gay?
No, absolutely not.
He guessed it.
Wait a minute, you
told Tony I was gay
so he wouldn't be
interested in me,
and then you told me he was gay
so I wouldn't be
interested in him, right?
Oh, come on, do you think I'm
capable of something like that?
You made up a sister
named Pepper Becker.
You're right. You're right.
I am pathetic.
It's just that...
I've been so very, very sick.
Oh, shut up. No, no.
You know, when I first met
you, sure, I saw the gruff exterior
and the awkward ham-handed
way you went through life,
but I thought there was
a good man underneath.
Someone who was
mature, intelligent,
maybe even sensitive.
But there's not a
day that goes by
that you don't prove
you're almost completely
emotionally retarded.
You're exactly right.
Now, I... I don't know
what's happening to me.
I mean, I... I
don't act like this.
I hate people who act like this.
It's just that ever
since I met you, I...
You know what? Forget it.
Look...
I'll never bother
you again. I promise.
Never.
I think I must have
dropped my keys.
Oh, yeah, here they are.
Never again, starting now.