Becker (1998–2004): Season 5, Episode 5 - The Grand Gesture - full transcript

John tries "one last time" to romance Chris. The diner gets a new manager.

♪♪

I told you before,
Bob. I hate this game.

What's your problem?
Come on, it won't hurt you.

Just take a guess.

Look, would you please
just leave me alone?

- Look, I'll set it up for you.
- Oh...

I'm on the fourth floor,

I go into old man
Hennessey's apartment,

and guess what
I find in his drain.

- I don't know... a head.
- Yeah, but from what?

Excuse me, I don't
like to complain,



but you guys are sitting
here drinking coffee,

and I've been
waiting for 20 minutes.

I can't even get
a glass of water.

What do you have to do
to get service around here?

Well, we don't work here.

Well, where's the dark-haired
girl that runs this place?

She's not here anymore.
The diner's closed.

Then what the hell
am I doing here?

I think that's a question
you got to ask yourself.

Uh, do you think
that's a question

we should be asking ourselves?

Let's not look under
that rock, okay?

I'm going to have to look
under that rock eventually.

Ever since Reggie left,
my business is dead.



Yeah, but look at it this way.

A couple of months
ago, you didn't think

your business could get
any worse, and now it has.

Well, what does that mean?

It means that just
because you think you've

hit bottom, doesn't
mean you have.

Well, then, how do I know
when I have hit bottom?

When you spend your
days picking heads

out of people's drains.

Hey, hey, fellas.

- Chris isn't here, is she?
- Nah, she hasn't been in yet.

She usually stops
by on her way to work.

- Why?
- Good. I want to make sure she sees me

sitting here
looking very casual.

Oh, what's going on?

Well, I finally
figured out a way

to get her to...
to go out with me.

Well, does that
involve you dying

and coming back as
someone she likes?

She likes me. She just
won't admit it. That's all.

Man, are you kidding
yourself? I mean, even I know

when a girl doesn't like me.

Oh, yeah, what tips you off?

The running or the screaming?

That story is completely
false. That girl did not run away.

She walked briskly.

All I know is, I
got a great plan.

The second she walks in here,

she's going to notice
this movie I rented.

I didn't know you had a VCR.

I just got one.

I was waiting for the
prices to come down.

As soon as Chris comes
in and notices this video,

she's going to say, "Oh,
I've been dying to see that."

Well, how do you know?

Because she's a woman

and this is a French film
about a bunch of people

who sleep together,
eat some snails and die.

What?

All right, I happened
to hear Chris mention

that she really
wants to see this.

You still haven't
answered the question

of why'd she want
to watch it with you.

Because I think she really
wants to go out with me,

but she's still pissed about

this whole me-sleeping-
with-Reggie thing.

You know, this would
be the perfect opportunity

for her to, you know, save face

and still get what she wants.

Which is you.

Yeah. Even you see that.

Hey, hey, here she
comes, here she comes.

All right, you know,
I'm out of here.

I-I can't watch this.

Hey, I'm here for you.

Yeah, do me a favor. Be
over there for me, will you?

- Hey, Bob.
- Chris.

- Chris?
- John.

Haven't seen you
around the building lately.

Then my plan must be working.

Anybody running this place yet?

No, no, not yet, but
there's some, uh,

- fresh coffee if you want.
- Oh.

Oh, I love this.

Yeah, I thought you might.

That panda at the Bronx
Zoo finally had a cub. Huh.

Wonder why it takes them
so long to get pregnant.

Uh, probably hard
to find someone

to do it with a panda.

Will you pass me the sugar?

This yours?

What?

Oh, the tape... yeah,
I guess it is, yeah.

Mmm, gosh, I've always
wanted to see this.

- Really? Hmm.
- Yeah.

I wouldn't have thought
you'd like it, though.

You know, being a
French film and all.

Well, there are two things
you don't know about me.

You know, I'm a film
buff and I speak French.

Vraiment, tu parles francais?

Oh-ho-ho!

Any... anyway, I'm planning
to... to watch that tonight.

You know, you're, uh,
welcome to come up to my place

and watch it with me, you know,

if you don't have
anything better to do.

Well, who knows, if I'm
not too busy, maybe I will.

Oh, good, good.

Never hurts to have someone

to split the cost of the rental.

Did I make a joke?

- Morning, John.
- Yeah, morning.

Do you have any
idea how brilliant I am?

Well, John, I know you're
a very talented physician.

No, no, no... No
one cares about that.

I figured out how to get
Chris to go out with me.

See, I got a
bottle of wine here,

I got some crackers,
some cheese and a...

- French film.
- Oh, so you have a date?

Well, Chris is coming over,
but it's not really a date.

Well, it is a date for
me, but not-not for her.

Well, what is it for her?

Well, for her,
it's a... a drop-by,

but if it goes well, it
could turn into a date.

But why isn't it a date already?

Because she doesn't
want to go out with me.

You know, if she
thought it were a date,

she would never drop by,

and if she didn't drop
by, it couldn't possibly

turn into a date.

See?

Was there originally two
bottles of wine in that bag?

So, you don't actually
have a date with Chris.

This is more of a trap
with cheese and wine.

And crackers.

John, this isn't like you.

It's so calculated, so crazy.

You know what,
you're absolutely right.

Yeah... cheese and
crackers, that is so pretentious.

That's not me. Who
do I think I am, Frasier?

Okay, Kelly, I'm just going
to take your blood pressure

and then I'll send
the doctor in.

Most of your numbers
look just fine, and...

Oh, my God.

What? What is it?
Wh-What's wrong?

Those shoes are so cute.

You have to tell me
where you got them.

I don't remember.

Is it that you don't remember

or you're afraid to tell me?

Why would I be
afraid to tell you?

Oh, come on.

You see someone
walking around town

with the same shoes as you,
suddenly you're not so special.

No, really, I don't remember.

Really?

The best shoes ever,

and you don't remember
where you got them?

I remember what
I had for breakfast

the day I got these shoes,
and I don't even like 'em.

Is that supposed to be so tight?

I don't remember.

Think, Kelly.

Ah, that's starting to pinch.

Was it Bloomingdale's...
Macy's...?

- I don't know.
- Bergdorf's...?

Look, this isn't funny.
I don't remember.

- Barney's?
- I don't know!

Okay, Bloomingdale's!

All right, then.

So how's it going in here?

Everything seems
just fine, Dr. Becker.

Although her blood
pressure is a little high.

Well, you may want
to cut back on red meat.

And the big fat lies.

Hey, junior!

Give me a hand here.

Hello?

Hey, how about using
one of your thumbs

to open this door for me?

Oh, for crying out...

Oh, future of our
country's in big trouble.

Hey, kid.

Remember how I
hid your skateboard

when you were
making too much noise?

Well, I know where
you keep your bike.

Oh, hey. Chris, hey.

I went... I went out and got
a lot of take-out for tonight.

I didn't know whether
you liked steamed

or fried dumplings,
so I got 'em both.

And, uh, not that
you don't look great,

but, you know, I was thinking
we'd be a little more casual.

What are you talking about?

You know, sweats,
maybe something

- with a drawstring.
- O-Okay.

Okay, wh-wh... what
are we talking about?

Tonight. You, me, the movie.

Remember, you said
you were going to drop by?

Oh, if I didn't have
something better to do.

- Yeah, right.
- Yeah, well, I do.

A guy I know has
invited me out to dinner

at Le Cirque and
then to the theater.

And you're going?

Yeah! Yeah, he should
be here any minute.

You accepted a date
from somebody else

after accepting a date from me?

No, that wasn't a date.
That was a drop-by.

Oh, please.

Anybody with half a brain
knows what that means.

Of course it was a date.

You don't think I
rented that insipid movie

for myself, do you?

Just wait. It's all in French.

Ha-ha-ha.

Besides, if you want
to go out with someone,

you ask them properly.

Oh, fine, all right, princess.

Do you want to come
up to my apartment

and watch a movie?

No. I have a date. See ya.

No, hey... Hey, get back here.

"Get back here"?

Fine. Get back here, please.

Hey, come on, Chris.

I went to a lot of trouble here.

You know, I think
you're being very rude.

Yes, I am. I have someone
outside waiting for me.

- Wha...
- Good night.

No, come... hey, look,
what am I supposed to do

with two dozen egg rolls?

Do you really
want me to tell you?

As I mentioned, I have a date.

Oh, yeah, well, don't
think you've won,

because you haven't.

You know, I have.

Yeah, I got all the
Chinese food and the movie.

And all you got is...

boy, the biggest stretch
limo I've ever seen.

Loser.

Linda, where have you been?

We've got a roomful of patients.

I'm sorry, Margaret,
I know I'm late,

but I'm a little upset.

I had a horrible, horrible
experience this morning.

Is everything all
right? Where were you?

Bloomingdale's.

That patient who
was in here yesterday

with the cute shoes,

she told me that's
where she got them.

So I ran down there
on my way to work,

and guess what.

Bloomingdale's never
even heard of those shoes.

Can you believe it, Margaret?

She looked at me
right in the eyes

and lied to me.

I'm guessing you're
not as outraged as I am.

Just take the next patient back.

Mrs. Collins?

Hi. Nice to see
you. Come on back.

What a beautiful necklace.
Where did you get that?

I don't remember.

Really?

Have you had your blood
pressure checked lately?

So, did you have a good
time last night with Chris?

No, I did not have a good
time last night with Chris.

Sorry I asked, but I
know you're gonna

want to bitch
about it eventually,

so let's just get it over with.

I don't need to bitch.

Some guy in a
fancy limo came by,

picked her up and
took her out to dinner.

And she went?

Instead of watching a
video on your lumpy couch

and eating greasy take-out?

What's wrong with that girl?

I don't know,
Margaret. I don't know.

I tell you, that movie
sucked, though.

Well, then why did you watch it?

Well, I had to.

Oh, right, right, right.
You already paid for it.

Yeah. You know, I'll tell you
the worst part of the evening

was how stupid she made me look.

Now, that's it. You know,
I've tried every way I know

to romance that woman.

I'm not gonna waste
another minute of my time.

I am done.

Even more done than you were

the last time you
said you were done?

Way more done.

Why are you following me?

Because I know you're not done.

Oh, no, believe me, I am.

God, I hate her so much.

I don't think so.

I think you like her.

Like, hate... It's
all the same thing.

John, if you
really care for her,

then find some sane way
to show her how you feel.

What-what do you mean?

Like-like camping out in
the laundry room, wait...?

I said sane. Do something
to make her take notice.

Some... some sort
of grand gesture.

Oh, please. Like
one of those losers

who takes his girlfriend
to the ball game

just so she can look
up at the Jumbotron

and see "I love you, Wanda"?

Who's Wanda?

Geez, you're two hours
late, you miss everything.

John, you know
what I'm talking about.

Flowers, candy, poetry.

Go down to that dress
shop where she works,

and tell her how you feel.

You know what a
guy did for me once?

He showed up at my
apartment at 2:00 a.m.

wearing nothing but a fur coat.

I'm not going to put
on a fur coat, Linda.

Well, you can't just go
naked. It'll ruin the surprise.

You know, forget it.
Th-This is all stupid.

It's just not me.
It's ridiculous.

It's romantic. Think about it.

Van Gogh cut off
his ear for a woman.

Yeah, well, maybe he was
just tired of listening to her talk.

So get this:

Mr. and Mrs. Berman
in 4-J, they have a fight,

and she throws her
wedding ring down the toilet,

and then they call me
to climb in and fish it out.

Bob, do you really think I care

that you spent your
morning in a toilet?

You can't see this place.
Trust me, so did you.

Got any coffee?

No. Sorry.

When I finish this
cup of coffee here,

the diner will have
officially been picked clean.

If I don't get somebody
to run it soon,

this place will go
out of business

and it'll take me with it.

But we need this place.

It's the glue that
holds us together.

Maybe there is an upside
to going out of business.

- Hey.
- Hey, Becker, Jake's trying

to figure out a way to
make this place profitable.

You got any ideas?

Got any matches?

Yeah, as if this
place is insured.

So, Pepé Le Pew...

how did your French
movie night go?

It was fine. It
went... it went fine.

Liar.

Chris was in here before.

She told us everything.

Yeah, you got hosed!

Why is everybody
so involved in my life?

'Cause it's impossible to
take your eyes off a train wreck.

All right, all right.

Look, let me ask
you guys something.

Have you ever tried to
get a woman's attention

by making some
kind of grand gesture?

What do you mean?

You know, a very big... gesture.

Well, do you... do you
mean like serenading her

outside her window or
renting out an entire restaurant

for a candlelit dinner?

Or sending her a
picture of yourself

with a gun in your mouth?

It wasn't loaded.

And it didn't work.

So...

You know what I'm
talking about, right?

That-that stuff's pathetic.

Oh, of course it's pathetic.

You know, I do just fine
with a bottle of red wine,

a little Miles Davis, and
the heartbreaking story

of how I lost my sight
on a mission for the CIA.

You weren't in the CIA.

Luckily, I'm not hitting on you.

All right, fellas. I gotta go.

- I'll see you tomorrow.
- Take care, Jake.

So, Becker, you're not really
gonna try some stupid stunt

to get Chris
interested, are you?

No, no, I'm through
playing that game.

And besides, she's
made it pretty clear

she's not interested in me.

Well, take it from me,

when that happens,
just forget it.

Otherwise, you just
make a fool out of yourself.

Yeah. No kidding. I
can do that on my own.

I don't need her for that.

So, Becker, look,
you're alone, I'm alone...

Why don't we hang out tonight?

We can get a pizza and
give each other haircuts.

Hi. Can I help you?

Yes, I need to speak
to Chris Connor.

Well, she's working right
now, but if you'd like to wait,

she'll be taking her
break in about 45 minutes.

Yeah, there's no way
I'm hanging around

some froufrou
clothing store for 40...

Oh, never mind. There she is.

You can't go over there.
She's with a customer.

Yeah, it's okay, I'm a doctor.

What does that mean?

It means, don't
question me, I'm a doctor.

Those pants look great on you.

- Really?
- Mmm.

They seem a little tight.

Well, let me see if I've
got another size in back.

Hey, Chris, hi.

What... what are you doing here?

Uh... what, is this another
date I didn't know about?

What? No, no, I came
here to give you these.

Why?

You're not supposed
to say "why."

You-You're supposed
to say "thank you."

- Thank you.
- Ah.

I'll, uh, I'll get you
those pants now.

No, no, she won't.

Listen, I also got you
these chocolates here.

Why? I mean, thank you, but why?

Excuse me. Do you think
these would look good on me?

No, they make you
look fat. Now, go away.

Hey... He didn't mean that.

I'll be with you in a second.

Look, you have to leave.

Not-not yet, Chris. I want...

Come here. Look, last
night, when I asked you

to come up and
look at that movie,

it was a dumb way of
asking you on a date.

And this is the smart way?

You know, I'm
trying to be nice here.

Will you shut up and listen?

Do you want to go
on a date with me?

- No.
- What do you mean, "no"?

Okay, no way in hell!

Does that make it any clearer?

No!

Well, too bad. Uh,
now, where were we?

Uh, you were going
to get me those pants?

- Oh, yes.
- Look, here, just try these.

Chris, you're going to have
to ask your boyfriend to leave.

Oh, no, believe me,
he is not my boyfriend.

Yeah, just give me a second
here, will you, sweetheart?

Look, don't you see
what just happened?

I came all the way down here,
and I made a grand gesture.

Yes, I see that, but
I'm not interested!

But I gave you
flowers and candy,

and I... you know, I
almost wrote you a poem.

Well, actually, I did,
but it's kind of stupid.

You know, let me
get this straight:

I'm just supposed to melt
because you came down here

and made a gesture?

A grand gesture.

Oh, yeah, five wilted roses

and a box of drug
store chocolates,

what woman could resist?

You know what, John?

You deserve much
more than a date.

Like what?

Like me, right here, right now.

What?

Come on, let's make love!

What? What are you...?

Chris, what is going on here?

I'm taking my break early.

You are out of your mind.

I have never been
more serious in my life.

John, take me. Take me now.

Do you have these in blue?

I'll be with you in a moment.

This shouldn't take long at all.

You know, from
the minute I met you,

I knew there was
something weird about you.

I just didn't know what it was.

Now I do. You're crazy!

- Me? Me?
- Yeah, you! You!

What about you?
You just don't stop.

You keep asking me
out, I keep saying no.

You're like one of
those little windup toys

that keeps bumping
into the walls

but the little legs keep moving.

Once and for all, John, I
don't want to go out with you!

Now, just leave!

I'll leave when I'm
good and ready.

Okay, I'm ready.

Finally! My God, what does
it take to get through to you?

So you wanted to
see those in blue?

Jake, you'll never guess
what I found in my building.

No. Stop right there, okay?

If you found something
in someone's drain

or someone's toilet,

I don't want to
hear about it, okay?

Just promise me it's
not one of those stories.

- No, this is nothing like that.
- All right.

There was this little baby
bird on the front stoop,

and it must have
fallen out of its nest

because it was hopping around
like it was hurt or something.

So I taped up his leg, I sat
up with him all night long,

then this morning,
I took him outside,

I put him in the
palm of my hand,

and I watched him fly away.

Wow, that's a sweet story.

Nah, I'm lying. I found
a watch in the toilet.

Well, it's official:
Chris is out of her mind.

You know, all I did was
give her flowers and candy,

and she instantly
flopped on her back

and started yelling,
"Take me! Take me!"

What kind of flowers?

She was mocking me, Bob.

She was making ass-fun of me

in the middle of
a clothing store.

Well, you know what,
you know what? I'm glad.

Yeah, I dodged a big fat
bullet on this one, I'll tell you.

If I never see her
or talk to her again,

I'll be a very happy man.

Coffee? I made it fresh.

Yeah, what-what the
hell are you doing here?

And why did you just
come out of that kitchen?

I've been waiting
all morning for this.

Well, thanks to a
visit I got at work

from some pompous,
self-involved jackass,

I got fired.

And then Jake told me
that Reggie was still looking

for somebody to run this place,

so I thought I'd give it a shot.

Jake, how could you do this?

I... I was going broke. I
could have lost everything.

Yeah, but this is very
uncomfortable for me.

You want coffee or not?

Fine.

What the hell are you doing?

Sorry, I'm new here.