Becker (1998–2004): Season 5, Episode 7 - Papa Does Preach - full transcript

♪♪

Thanks. Come again.

Okeydokey.

What's next?

- Chris?
- Yeah.

I-I don't... I don't quite know

how to put this, but, um...

well, you know, we're
together all the time,

and there's-there's
something that you do

that really gets on my nerves.

Oh, I'm sorry. What is it?



Uh, you know
what? Forget about it.

- It's my problem.
- Oh.

- Okeydokey.
- That's it.

- What's it?
- "Okeydokey."

Do I say that?

Oh, yeah, you do, yeah.
And it drives me crazy.

I mean, it's like the way
people say "anywho."

Oh.

It's that bad?

- Well, it is to me.
- Oh.

Well, I-I'll try not
to say it anymore.

Thanks.

You know, Jake,
I-I'm glad you felt

comfortable enough
to tell me what you did,



because that thing you do
with the spoon on the coffee cup,

- it really bothers me.
- What thing?

Well, after you
stir your coffee,

you tap the spoon on the cup.

Yeah, well, that's to get
the coffee off the spoon.

- Yeah, I understand that.
- Then what's the problem?

Well, it's just that
that sound it makes,

it-it just goes through
me like a knife.

Oh.

That's certainly
easy enough to fix.

- Yeah, thank you.
- Okeydokey.

Just kidding.

Hey, Chris.

Jake, how you doing, buddy?

Wow, you're in a good mood.

What happened, you find
a nickel on the sidewalk?

Ha, ha. Better.

Brand-new pack of
cigarettes on the subway grate.

Homeless guy
was reaching for it,

but I was too quick for him.

So... so you outraced a guy
who hadn't eaten in days?

Yeah, well, I like
to stay in shape.

- Hey, everybody.
- Hey.

Great, there you are. You know,

I've been calling
you for a week.

When are you going to come
upstairs and snake out my drain?

I'll get to it, Becker.

Right now I've got more
important things on my mind.

Bob's gonna be a dad!

Yet you need a license
to sell real estate.

What happened, Bob? Did
you get some girl pregnant?

No, I went to my family reunion.

That doesn't
answer the question.

I meant that seeing

all my nieces and
nephews running around

made me feel like it was
time I had a kid of my own.

Wait a minute. Did... didn't
you once tell us you had kids?

Oh, yeah, I kind
of made them up.

You made up having kids?

Well, I wanted to get into

that Parents Without
Partners group, you know?

I thought it'd be a good place to
meet lonely, desperate women.

I've also pretended
to be an alcoholic,

a gambler and an overeater.

What about a sexoholic?

They got a group?

- Hey, Bob.
- Yeah?

You know, to get a kid, don't
you sort of need a-a wife?

Or at least some woman
who will let you touch her?

I don't know, that's
a tall order, Becker.

- I'm kind of in a hurry.
- Oh.

Maybe I can be
artificially inseminated.

Does that work?

I hope not.

Bob, having a child
is sort of a big deal.

Why don't you check
out Big Brothers

or look into becoming
a foster parent?

Oh, come on, what would
Bob possibly teach a child

besides burping the
alphabet backwards?

That's a lot harder
than you think.

It's not that hard.

Well, it isn't.

Hey, listen, by the way,
Becker, I got a lot to teach a kid.

I mean, I can pass
on all my knowledge,

my expertise, my experience,

so that maybe one day
my child can accomplish

all the things I
never got around to.

Oh, great, then, you
know, 18 years from now,

your kid can come up
and snake out my drain.

Hi, Margaret. I'm here
for my appointment.

Oh, hi, Jim.

The doctor has your
cholesterol results.

You can go on back to room one.

Okay. Thank you.

It is nice to see
him doing so well.

Why? What was wrong with him?

Well, when Jim first came in,

he had a multiple
personality disorder.

Two completely different
people living inside of him.

That is so hot.

What was the other
personality like?

Jerry? Ugh. Loud, obnoxious,
rude, completely despicable.

Ooh, I'm getting chills.

Linda, why are you always
attracted to the weird ones?

Come on, Margaret, imagine
going to bed with one man

and having no idea who
you're going to wake up with.

You do that now.

Anyway, none of that matters.

Dr. Becker referred
Jim to a psychiatrist,

and now he is completely normal.

Oh. Normal.

- Hi, Dr. Becker.
- Jim.

I got a riddle for you:

What's the difference between
you and a pound of bacon?

Oh, well, you know, I'm-I'm
not so good with riddles.

I like knock-knock jokes.

All right, all right.

- Fine. Knock-knock.
- Who's there?

You have really high
cholesterol, and you could die.

"You have really
high cholesterol,

and you could die" who?

Enough playtime.

Now, look, I'm trying to
lower your cholesterol.

You haven't taken those
pills I prescribed, have you?

Well, I wanted to take the
pills, but there's a problem.

All right, what's the problem?

It's the old
problem. It's Jerry.

He's back.

Oh, no.

Not Jerry.

Is he, uh...

is Jerry in there right now?

Yeah, you know the deal.

You never know when
he's gonna come out.

That guy is so obnoxious.

Yeah, whoo, try living with him.

I thought... I thought Dr. Geary
gave you a new medication

that kept Jerry away.

Yeah, he did, but
then Jerry hid the pills

before I could take them.

All right, all right, look,

this whole extra personality
thing, that's up to Dr. Geary.

I'll call him and tell
him what's going on.

But, you know,
the high cholesterol,

I can help you with that,

but you're gonna need
to meet me halfway.

Well, I'm doing my part. I
mean, I don't touch red meat,

I eat a ton of vegetables,
I exercise like crazy.

But then, on the way
home from the gym,

Jerry the pig stops
off for chili dogs.

Well... can't-can't
you reason with him?

Doubtful.

We're not speaking.

All right, all right, look,
is there any chance

that you can have Jerry
come in and see me?

Well, I'll try, but
just so you know...

he really hates you.

Well, that's all right.

You like me, and
we can work together.

You know, two against one.

- Okay.
- All right? I tell you what,

just get him in the car,

tell him you're taking
him to a strip joint,

and then drop him off here.

Oh, okay.

But he's going to have to drive.

I lost my license.

Wha...?

Jake, Chris, this
is my kid, Scott.

- Hi.
- Hi!

I got him over at the Youth
Center on Manning Avenue.

We have Chris to thank
for getting us together.

I am so sorry.

Hey, you know,
Chris was in the Army.

First, she served the
country; now she's serving us.

That's called "irony."

It's not that funny.

Sounded funny.

And this is Jake.

You see that
newsstand over there?

- Yeah.
- Good.

'Cause he can't.

Shut up.

Okeydokey.

Now, let Jake be
an inspiration to you.

If a blind guy can own a
crummy business like that,

think how good you can do.

Eight times eight?

64?

They're like
sponges at this age.

Anyway, we got a busy day,
so can I get one black coffee

and one hot chocolate to go?

Actually, I'd like
hot chocolate, too.

Make it two hot chocolates.

So, where are you off to first?

Oh, the public library,
the Metropolitan Opera,

and then the Statue of Liberty.

- All in one day?
- Hey,

I got a lot to teach
this little rascal.

I've already missed the
first ten years of his life.

I gotta make up for lost time.

- Eight times nine?
- 72.

Can't argue with that.

Before we leave,

can I go to the bathroom?

I don't know. "Can" you?

Oh, right. May I?

Of course.

Just remember to lava los manos.

That's Spanish for
"remember to zip up."

Never underestimate the
value of a bilingual education.

We live in an ever-changing
world, my friend.

Is it my imagination,

or is he starting
to look like me?

- Good afternoon, Jim.
- Oh, please.

Would Jim have the guts to
tell you how hot you look today?

Oh, God.

Jerry. I thought you were gone.

But not forgotten.

Hello, snowflake.

Hello.

Who might you be?

Her name is Linda, and
she's seeing someone.

No, I'm not.

Sometimes Margaret
thinks she's my mother.

But I never listen to my mother.

Yeah. I bet you'd
listen to your daddy.

Okay. All right, that's it.

The doctor is waiting for you.

- I'll take him back.
- Oh, no, you won't.

I'll take him back.

Oh, please, ladies,
don't fight over me.

There's enough Jerry
to go around, huh?

Oh, come on.

Just come on.

So... brown sugar,
what's shaking?

Not much, Wonder
Bread. How about you?

- John?
- Huh?

In the off chance you
were in a good mood,

Jerry is here.

Oh.

Boy, the years have
not been kind to you.

Nice to see you again, Jerry.

Yeah, don't patronize
me. What do you want?

Look, I, uh...

I talked to Jim this morning.

Yeah, I know.

Little whiner said something
about high cholesterol.

The high cholesterol
would be an improvement.

That gravy you've got
coursing through your veins

is gonna kill you.

Hey, life will kill
you, all right?

The point is to have a
little fun before it does.

Yeah? You've heard
of fun, haven't you?

It's what people have
when you're not around.

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

You do understand
that if-if Jim dies, you die.

Now, I'm not voting.
I'm just stating a fact.

Look, if you're really
so concerned about us,

why don't you tell Jim

to stop hiding those
pills you prescribed?

Well... no, he-he
said that you hid them.

How could I hide 'em?
I never even saw 'em.

Look, the lying little weasel's

scared to death of
any medication, okay?

He keeps crying
about the side effects.

So, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

J-Jim's lying to me?

Oh, oh, you-you think?

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Look, Becker, I don't
want to die, okay?

And you know me, I love pills.

Give me the pills. I'll
take the whole bottle.

So if I give you the pills
right now, you'll take them?

I will take them. But then, uh,

when Jim sees them, he'll
just throw them all away.

All right, all right,
all right, Jerry.

I-I guess I better talk to Jim.

Jim, are you in there?
I need to talk to you.

It's Dr. Becker.

Do I look like Jim?!

Okay, now, let's
review. What's this?

- A wrench.
- What kind?

- A crescent.
- Nine times six?

- 54.
- Correct.

And remember that,
'cause that's how much

a plumber can make an hour.

I'm not so sure I
want to be a plumber.

Hey, it's good to have
a trade to fall back on,

you know, in case you're
not college material.

Don't do drugs.

Oh, finally, you got up here
and fixed the drain, huh?

Well, you got it half
right. I took it apart.

Becker, this is my kid, Scott.

Scott, this is the
doctor I told you about.

- Yeah, hi, Scott.
- Hi.

Look, Bob, I'm in the
middle of a very difficult case.

I need to do some research.

Maybe you can come
back some other time.

Becker, I told the
kid all about you.

He's starved for role models.

I can see that.

Look, I'm serious. You know,

pack up your stuff
and get out, please.

Come on, Becker, I want him
to meet someone professional.

You're a doctor.
You went to Harvard.

That's a big deal
to a kid like this.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Well, I guess I can
take a few minutes

out of my busy day,
the least I can do.

Boy, you really went to Harvard?

Yes, I did.

You know, Harvard is
not that big a deal, Scott.

I mean, sure, it's the
best school in the country,

and, yes, I had to be top
of my class just to get in.

But you know something,
if you work hard like I did,

I bet you can make it, too.

He's being modest, Scott.

He left out four years
of medical school,

two years of residency

and a great career in research.

Let's not forget graduating
summa cum laude.

Wow.

And after all that education
and all that hard work,

you have to look at this
man and ask yourself:

What the hell happened?

He had every advantage
a person could have in life.

He should be in a
penthouse on Park Avenue

sucking the fat
out of rich people,

instead of living
in a dump like this!

Thanks a lot, Becker.
I really appreciate it.

- Three times nine?
- 27?

Close enough.

I hate the way you
drum your fingers.

How annoying is that?

You want to talk about annoying?

How about the way
you clear your throat?

As long as we're
clearing things up,

I hate the way you
answer the phone.

You say, "Yello." It's
not "yello." It's "hello"!

Well, I hate the way
you say "may-naise."

It's "may-o-nnaise."
Quit saying it wrong.

Oh, yeah? May-naise.

- No, may-o-nnaise.
- May-naise.

- May-o-nnaise. -May-naise.

- May-o-nnaise. May-naise.

- May-o-nnaise. -May-naise.

- May-o-nnaise. May...
- May-naise.

May-o-nnaise!

Hi. I'm here to see the doctor.

Hi. You're Jim, right?

Yeah, I'm Jim Reynolds.

God, this is so hot.

I'm sorry. What's so hot?

The fact that you
have no idea who I am.

You see, the other
day, I met Jerry, and...

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Jerry and I are two
completely different people.

God, I'm tingling.

Do you ever play
Canadian Doubles?

If you know what I mean.

I have no idea what that means,

but I hope that he
wasn't too offensive.

He kind of was.

Hi, Margaret.

Jim?

How are you today?

Oh, good.

Why don't you just go
on back to room one.

The doctor will be
with you in a moment.

Okay. It was nice to meet you.

Bye, Jim.

Say hello to Jerry for me.

I can't tell you
how exciting this is.

Linda, it's not
exciting. It's sad.

What must have
happened in that man's life

to get him to this point
where he is so confused.

Don't question what
works, Margaret.

Would you be attracted to him
if he didn't have this problem?

No. I wouldn't really be
attracted to either of them.

I mean, one's obnoxious,
and one's just dull.

It's like a Mallomar.

I don't particularly like
marshmallows or graham crackers,

but you smack them together,
and then you got something.

Okay, who's here?

It's me, Jim.

Oh, good. Thanks for coming in.

Jerry left me a note...
on the palm of my hand.

"Go see Becker,
and tell him he's an..."

Well, there's-there's no
call for that kind of language!

I know.

Look, Jerry and I had
a little talk, you know.

He came in here,
and he-he told me

that you hid the pills from him.

Wh...? He told you that?

That's ridiculous!

Well, he's lying.

All right, all right, fine.

Well, you know, now that we know

you're willing to take
the pills, I've got an idea.

You know, why don't
you come into the office

every morning and take one?

Jerry will never know.

Here, as a matter of fact,

why don't you
take one right now?

- What, right now?
- Yes, right now.

Well, okay, no problem.

Ah.

Oh, no, what are you
doing? Jim, ah, come on.

I'm sorry, I can't.

Do you know what kind of
side effects these things have?

I mean, ulcers, internal
bleeding, heart problems...

Yeah, they also
cause irregular periods.

Are you worried about
getting those, too?

Well, I am now!

Jim, I-I'm sorry. I-I'm
way over my head here.

I'm gonna call Dr. Geary.

Hey!

Where the hell do
you think you're going?!

Oh, no. Jerry?

Yeah! I told you the
little twit was lying!

Come on, Jerry,
h-how did you get here?

Who do you think drove him?

Unbelievable!

What a spectacular
waste of time!

Hey, now, I'm not
through talking to you!

You get back in here!

Why are you yelling at me?

Look, I told you I
can't take the pills.

Did I tell you they can
also cause loss of hair?

Oh, did... you know,
just take the damn pills,

you crazy bastards!

Oh, come on...

What are you doing?
Now, don't do that.

Don't cry.

What, Jim? Jerry?
Who am I talking to here?

My name is Stephanie,

and I'm this many years old.

Uh, all right, all right,
I'm-I'm sorry, Stephanie.

Here, here, sit down.

Look, uh, I-I need a moment.

Are you going to be
all right here all alone?

Yeah, like you're all alone.

- Are you okay, Dr. Becker?
- No, I'm not okay.

They're driving me crazy.

Ooh, they're both in there?

- Oh, brother.
- What's the matter?

Oh, it's getting a little
crowded in room one.

What are you talking about?

Get Dr. Geary on the phone.
We have a little problem.

Who's in there? Jim or Jerry?

Stephanie.

Who?

Jim and Jerry have had a child.

Dr. Becker, I went into room
one and handled everything.

They'll be glad
to take the pills.

How'd you do that?

Easy. I'm having
tea with Jim on Friday

and going dancing
with Jerry on Saturday.

But right now I have to
take Stephanie to the zoo.

Hey, Jake. What are you
doing eating over here?

Well, apparently, when I
sprinkle salt on my food,

someone thinks it's too loud.

Okay.

Something going
on between you two?

I'm over here because
someone thinks

my voice is so shrill it
could make a dog cry.

You know, you two are
behaving like children,

which is something,

having recently had one of
own, that Bob knows a little about.

So what you need to do is,

you need to find
some common ground.

Find some little starting point

where the two of you
can get together and...

- Shut up, Bob.
- Shut up, Bob.

There it is.

Hey, look who's here!

Wait a minute.

Aren't you supposed
to be in school?

I-I just came in to see
if you have the money

you borrowed from me.

I need it for lunch.

Right, I forgot
about that. Yeah.

Sorry, man. Here you go.

Oh, wasn't it two dollars?

Yeah, right, two bucks.

So, uh, you coming
by after school today?

Depends.

Is there any chance we
can go to the toy store?

What are you going to
learn at the toy store?

There's no life lessons there.

I thought we'd take
a tour of Wall Street.

You know, maybe see
the Stock Exchange.

Then, after that,
go to an art gallery...

Oh, come on, Bob!

"Come on," what?

Would you rather
go to Ellis Island

and learn about your ancestors?

I don't want to
learn about anything.

I want Rollerblades
or a Game Boy.

What are you
talking about, Scott?

That's what all
the other kids got.

Okay, listen,
here's how it works:

I act pitiful, you feel guilty,
then I get something cool.

But I gave you
something more valuable.

What?

I gave you quality time.

A hand to guide
you through life.

The knowledge of knowing
that you'll never be alone.

That Bob will always
be here for you.

You suck!

You okay, Bob?

Kids.

They break your heart.

You work...

you sacrifice...

you give 'em the best
you have to give, and...

then in the end, they
kick you in the gut.

Bob, it was just two days.

Goes by so fast.

You know, Chris, I
hate to say it, but, uh...

but I think Bob had a point.

I mean, we really
do have to get along.

Yeah, you're right. I have
been way too sensitive.

I don't even remember
how all this started.

It was you saying "okeydokey."

Look, we like each other.

We just have to learn
to deal with each other's

little idiosyncrasies.

I say "may-naise";
you say "mayonnaise."

Big deal.

- Yeah, exactly. Friends?
- Yeah, friends.

Oh, good, good.

I see everything's calm
here at the Mayo Clinic.

- Yeah...
- Coffee, please.

We realized we
were just being silly,

- so we just put that behind us.
- Yeah.

It doesn't matter
what anyone does.

We'll rise above it and
not let anything annoy us.

- Uh-huh.
- Well, good for you guys.

What?