Becker (1998–2004): Season 5, Episode 4 - And the Heartbeat Goes On - full transcript
Becker promises to visit serious heart patient.
♪♪
- Morning, Jake.
- Hey, John.
What's going on?
All right, let's
cut to the chase.
You want to know if
Chris has been in yet.
I don't care whether
Chris has been in.
You know, I don't
think about her.
In fact, I was saying to
myself on the way over here,
I don't care a
thing about Chris.
But if you've got some
deep need to talk about her,
you know, go ahead.
She hasn't been in yet.
Thank you. Was that so hard?
Don't talk to me. I'm too upset.
Don't even ask, because
I'm not gonna talk about it.
All right, if you must know...
I just saw Chris naked.
Naked? Really?
Well, I could care less,
but I'm sure Jake would
like to hear all about it.
Okay, I went up to her
place to fix her faucet.
That's all... I swear
on my mother's life,
which, as you know, is
shaky, but you get my sincerity.
Well, didn't you knock?
She said she wouldn't
be home, so I didn't knock.
Why would I knock?
Nobody's home.
But she was home. This
wasn't supposed to happen.
What kind of person stands
in their bathroom naked?!
Geez, Bob, you're acting
like you've never seen
a naked woman before.
Of course I have,
but Chris is different.
She's a woman who talks to me.
You've never talked to
a naked woman before?
I've talked to lots of
women on the phone
who told me they were naked.
Don't you knock?!
You weren't
supposed to be there!
But I was there, wasn't I?
Look, Chris, I'm so sorry.
I-I didn't mean to see you.
I-I was there to
see your plumbing.
- Oh.
- And when I say "plumbing,"
I don't mean... Oh, man!
I feel like such an
ass... I mean, a boob.
Oh, God!
Okay, fellas, let's, uh...
let's get this over with.
I'm sure Bob regaled you
with stories about my body
in great graphic detail.
So, what'd he say?
Well, he told us that it
happened, but that was it.
No, no, no, come on, you
don't have to spare my feelings.
We'd never do that.
Honestly, Chris,
Bob didn't say a word.
You expect me to believe
he didn't race down here
and tell you everything?
It's the truth.
Come on, I know how guys talk.
You and your locker room gossip.
The winks between you,
the elbows in the ribs.
- The snickering.
- Hey, you know what?
I think that's a
little offensive
that you think we're
a bunch of cavemen
who sit around grunting about
what women look like naked.
All right, fine.
If I misjudged you...
And I'm pretty sure
I haven't... I'm sorry.
We do talk about women
that way, don't we?
- Of course we do.
- Mmm.
Good, 'cause I was
picturing her naked
the whole time she was here.
Since when do you wear glasses?
I don't.
Then what are those?
They just look good;
they don't do anything.
Yeah, well, you'd
be the expert on that.
They just give me so
many different looks.
I can be... smart...
sporty...
thoughtful...
or, if I meet a
really cute guy...
Easy?
Easier.
Just... just tell me
who's up first, please.
Um...
Mr. Hollenbeck.
Oh, good, John, you're back.
I've got a message for you.
It's about Mr. Humphries.
Aw, geez, crusty
pain in the ass.
What-what is it this time?
Does he have an ingrown toenail
and want to be medevac'd
to the Mayo Clinic?
- No. He...
- He have a pimple and think it's a tumor?
John...
I mean, the guy is such a
hypochondriac, you know?
He's rude and he's demanding.
You know something?
Why don't we just dump
him on some other doctor?
- John!
- I'm telling you,
Margaret, he's driving me crazy.
Calls me, like, three times
a week to tell me he's dying.
Well, this time his
cardiologist agrees with him.
He had emergency bypass surgery.
Oh. Well, wait-wait a minute.
His last EKG was perfect.
Well, you know as
well as I do it happens.
They, um... they don't
expect him to last the night.
He's asked to see you.
All right, yeah,
of course. Uh...
I'll drop by Bronx
North on my way home.
No, actually, he's at Harbor
View on, uh, Staten Island.
- Staten Island?
- Mm-hmm.
This time of day, it's going to
take me hours just to get there.
Well, then you better get going.
I'll-I'll reschedule the
rest of the patients.
Thank you, Margaret.
I told you I was sick.
Well, that's the thing about
being a hypochondriac.
Eventually, you're
going to be right.
Well, how are you feeling?
Well, I must be doing better.
They gave me another machine.
Are you in any pain?
Are you kidding?
They cracked open my chest
and played handball with my heart.
Seemed like a nice
thing to ask, all right?
Well, all right, all right, I...
I suppose I should thank you
for coming all the way here.
I damn near didn't make it.
I had to take two
trains, a ferry and a bus.
You should've done what I did,
collapse on the sidewalk
and take an ambulance.
I'll remember that
for the ride home.
You know how I used to,
uh, call you with a headache
and you'd say, "Aw,
shut up, it's nothing"?
Then I called you
with heartburn,
and you said, "Aw,
shut up, it's nothing."
I never told you to shut up.
Well, you hung up on me once.
So I wouldn't have
to tell you to shut up.
A-Any chance this is nothing?
I'm sorry.
Well, I'll say this for you.
That's the first straight
answer I got today.
I'll be honest...
I'm a little afraid.
Would it help if I stay
here with you for a while?
Well, do you think you
could be here when I...
well, you know.
I'll try.
I promise.
You know, you
got little girly hands.
- Hey, Jake.
- Hey.
- Chris isn't here, is she?
- Nope.
Oh, thank God. I don't
know what to say to her.
I-I still feel so embarrassed
about the other day.
Hi, Bob.
I thought you said
she wasn't here.
I was wrong. I'm
blind. Give me a break.
Look, Chris, about
the other day...
Doesn't matter.
No, it-it does.
I mean, seeing you
naked was horrible.
I've been having
nightmares about it.
If I could go back in time, I'd
poke my eyes out. No offense.
Horrible? Nightmares?
Poke your eyes out?
Is-is that your
idea of an apology?
I thought it was.
Was my body that hideous?
Hey, I work out six days a week.
Yoga, Tae Bo, Pilates.
I'm on my third
"Buns of Steel" tape.
And I watch what I eat, too.
I was a vegetarian
for six whole months.
Okay, I snuck an
occasional piece of sushi...
and a cupcake...
but if I can't get
one lewd comment
from a horny little super,
my God, what's
the point of it all?!
What the hell was that?
If I do the wrong
thing, it's wrong;
if I do the right
thing, it's wrong.
You're so lucky, Jake.
Safe in your dark, lonely world,
free from the burden of sight.
Well, you know, Bob,
things weren't always this rosy.
Once, when I was
15, before I went blind,
I accidentally walked
in on my Aunt Leona
while she was
putting on her bra.
Or maybe it was a hammock.
Well, all I know is that she was
strapping on something huge.
Now, my first
instinct was to run,
but, well, my-my feet,
they were just frozen. I...
I just stood in that doorway
staring at my fat, naked aunt.
Then later, during
Thanksgiving dinner,
I asked her to pass
me some turkey, and...
she gave me a breast...
and she winked at me.
I don't get how this relates
to my problem with Chris.
Let me ask you something:
Is Chris 300 pounds
with a size 56 triple-D bra?
No.
Trust me, you got off easy.
Hi, John.
Horrible, just horrible.
It took me three
hours to get there,
three hours talking
to Humphries,
who's just as charming as ever,
and then three
hours to get home.
Do I have girly hands?
- Actually, you kind of do.
- Oh...
I haven't slept all night.
I guess I shouldn't complain.
I'm lucky to be alive,
which is probably more than
I can say for Mr. Humphries.
No, no, not really.
The hospital called.
He made it through
the night just fine.
Really?
Well, they say the
human spirit is...
something or other.
He'd like to see
you again, tonight.
Tonight? Oh...
That's a hell of a
long trip out there.
Did they happen to say
exactly how alive he still is?
John!
All right, all right,
all right, I'll go.
Actually, you know what?
Margaret, we were
talking last night.
He said how fond he was of you.
- May-Maybe you should go...
- He asked for you.
Now, you only have
a few patients waiting.
I'll just reschedule the rest.
All I want to know
is, when I'm dying,
who's going to come see me?
Trust me, there'll be a crowd.
Took you long enough.
Nice to see you,
too, Mr. Humphries.
Glad you're still with us.
You look like hell.
Yeah, well...
I had a pretty rough trip.
My subway got
stuck in the tunnel,
and all the lights went out.
Ooh, that must have been scary.
I flatlined, and they had
to bring in the crash cart.
All right, all right, all
right, you win, you win.
So, how you feeling?
Well, a little better.
Believe it or not, I-I think
seeing you last night helped.
Good, good. I'm glad.
Would you mind just
reading something to me?
Sure, I guess. What do you got?
A favorite book or a
magazine or something?
Uh... how about the Bible?
Oh, no, Bible. No, no, it's...
I'm not really a
Bible kind of guy.
Come to think of
it, neither are you.
Well, I hear it can
be very comforting.
You going to help me out or not?
Ah...
Which part you want me to read?
Just start at the beginning.
"In the beginning..." Oh, yeah.
"God created the
heavens and the earth.
"And the earth was
without form and void,
"and the darkness was
upon the face of the deep.
And the spirit of God..."
Adam and Eve...
Cain and Abel...
Sonny and Cher...
Yeah, and the Hebrews escaped
from Egypt on the 10:00 ferry.
Hello, Mr. Humphries.
Just need to
take a little blood.
Hey, have a little
consideration.
The man's finally
getting some rest.
Oh, no, no, no.
I'm actually glad to be awake.
I don't want to miss
one word of the Bible.
Oh, you're reading the Bible?
You know, I'm sure
some of our other patients
would take comfort in that.
Would you mind if
I brought them in?
No, no, look-look, this
is a private moment
between my-my
patient and myself.
Absolutely not.
"And behold, I, even I,
do bring a flood of waters
"to destroy all flesh,
and everything that
is the earth shall die."
Bring it on, Lord.
What's going on?
Now, let me ask you something:
Is Chris sitting
there with anybody?
No. She's alone.
Oh, my God.
She's doing all that
eating by herself?
All I've heard for the last
hour is chewing and burping.
All right, look, I'm going in.
Chris, uh, are you okay?
Mm, never better.
Since no one seems to notice
when I do everything right,
why bother?
Are you doing all
this because of me?
Let's face it, Bob,
if you didn't even
notice how good I look,
what chance do I
have with anyone else?
Look, Chris, you
can't do this. I-I mean...
I might see you
naked again, you know,
and-and if I want to see fat,
I'll go upstairs
to Mrs. Goldman.
Trust me, I have
an open invitation.
Chris, you-you have
to stay the way you are.
Look...
I was just trying to
show you some respect.
Yeah, well, good for you.
Honestly... you got
the calves of a stripper,
the thighs of a mud wrestler,
and the abs of a
semi-legitimate masseuse.
You're just saying that.
Oh, yeah? How about this:
You've got one of the
all-time great asses.
What was that?
You got a great ass.
Bob, you have no idea
how that makes me feel.
- Thank you!
- You're welcome.
You hear that, Jake?
Got it. Great ass.
Hey, if anybody needs
me, I'll be at the gym.
What about her boobs, Bob?
Oh, right. Chris, wait up!
Oh, no glasses today?
Turns out glasses are over.
Everybody's getting
that new laser surgery
to have their vision
corrected permanently,
so that's what I did.
Oh, please don't
tell me that you...
Of course I didn't.
I just pretended.
So, you got rid of fake
glasses and got fake surgery
all to get back to
the perfect vision
you had in the first place.
Well, it doesn't
happen right away.
It takes a couple of days
for your eyes to adjust.
Oh, come on, Mr. Jackson,
you can't be surprised
that old lady hit you.
Any moron knows you
take Viagra at home,
not right before you
get on a crowded bus.
Moron.
John...
you have been beating
up on patients all morning.
You'd think after
reading the Bible
you might have
learned something.
Oh, yeah, I learned
that old people fart
and they don't even know it.
That Good Book
of yours, Margaret,
just goes on and on.
Plagues and floods and
frogs and vermin and locusts...
Yeah, it's the Bible
that goes on and on.
And all I know is, you know,
I missed the last
ferry last night,
and I had to take a cab ride
home that cost me 50 bucks.
Before, you said 49.
I was including tip.
Doctor's office.
Oh, it's Mr. Humphries'
cardiologist.
Yes?
Yes, I'll tell him.
Dead or alive?
It's a miracle.
You didn't answer my question.
Alive.
Oh, don't tell me.
He wants to see
me again tonight.
John, we are talking
about a man who's dying.
No, we're talking
about a man who,
if he has to go to Staten
Island one more time,
may kill himself.
John, you promised that
you would be with him.
Yeah, and I meant
it, too, when I thought
that he was going to
check out the first night.
- John, you are terrible.
- Come on.
You know, there's a
limit to compassion,
and I passed it,
like, three days ago.
Well, I suppose you're right.
It is a lot to ask you to go
out there every single night.
Yeah, yeah, it is.
I mean, you can't
keep doing this forever.
No, I can't. You know? I
got my own life, you know.
Well, I do.
Oh, you know what?
I'll... Fine, I'll go.
Tell Mr. Humphries
I've been praying for him.
Yeah, well, stop it.
I'll tell you something else,
I don't care what happens,
this is the last time I'm
going out there. I mean it.
Maureen, hi.
Lee, how are the girls?
Hey, Dr. Becker. You know,
coming here every night
the way you do is just so nice.
Yeah, yeah, I'm a real saint.
How's he doing?
He's hanging in there.
Oh, of course he is.
Did you bring the root beer?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I brought your root beer.
Oh, great.
The last root beer I'll ever
have, and he brings me generic.
It's all... it's all
the same stuff.
Plus, it's cheaper.
All right, so what are
we going to do tonight?
Well, actually, I'd-I'd
like you to read me this.
10,000 Reasons to Smile.
Oh, God.
"Puppy kisses...
rainbows... snowmen."
This is like 10,000 reasons
to step in front of a bus.
Well, my grandson
gave me that book,
but if it's not good
enough for you, fine.
How about this?
Tuesdays with Morrie.
Yeah, it's good.
It's about a young man visiting
an old guy on his death bed.
Wh-Why do we have to
read about it? We're living it.
That book is about a
thoughtful young man.
Yes, I noticed.
Who doesn't like
Tuesdays with Morrie?
I got no problem with Tuesday.
It's all the rest of
the days of the week
I'm having trouble with.
Do you have any idea
what it's taken for me
to get out here every
night for two weeks?
You know, I've had
to cancel patients.
You know, I... I've spent
a fortune on transportation,
and tonight on the ferry, some
drunk puked all over my shoes.
Well, maybe you'll have
an easier trip tomorrow.
Tomorrow... No,
damn it, listen...
I can't come tomorrow.
You have to.
Why? It's not going
to make any difference.
- No...
- Look at your chart.
All I know is,
they keep telling
me I'm gonna die.
Then you visit me, and I
wake up the next morning.
It's like you're my
good-luck charm.
Trust me, you're
not a lucky man.
Look at your chart.
Look, I'm sorry.
I-I just can't keep
coming back here.
I don't have the time.
You don't have the time?
So, this is difficult for you?
Yes, yes, it is.
Yeah, so...
what you're saying
is, it's inconvenient.
Yes, yes, it is.
Do you have any idea how
many hours I wasted in your office?
What?
I sat so long in your office
waiting for you to
check my prostate,
I got hemorrhoids.
And another time, I
spent the whole afternoon
just waiting for
a lousy physical
while you were screaming on
the phone to the cable company.
And how many hours
have I listened to you
rant on and on about
George Bush, Bill Clinton
and George Bush again?
So, please, don't... don't talk
to me about inconvenience.
The cable guy said he
was going to be there
between 10:00 and 12:00.
The way I figure it, you owe me.
Look, Mr. Humphries...
Besides...
you promised.
Yeah, but that's when
I thought that you...
"Summer rain.
"Flying kites.
A day at the zoo."
It's too bright in here.
Turn off that light.
No, no, the-the
switch is broken.
You have to unplug it.
It's the plug on the right!
I know, I know.
- Morning, Jake.
- Hey, John.
What's going on?
All right, let's
cut to the chase.
You want to know if
Chris has been in yet.
I don't care whether
Chris has been in.
You know, I don't
think about her.
In fact, I was saying to
myself on the way over here,
I don't care a
thing about Chris.
But if you've got some
deep need to talk about her,
you know, go ahead.
She hasn't been in yet.
Thank you. Was that so hard?
Don't talk to me. I'm too upset.
Don't even ask, because
I'm not gonna talk about it.
All right, if you must know...
I just saw Chris naked.
Naked? Really?
Well, I could care less,
but I'm sure Jake would
like to hear all about it.
Okay, I went up to her
place to fix her faucet.
That's all... I swear
on my mother's life,
which, as you know, is
shaky, but you get my sincerity.
Well, didn't you knock?
She said she wouldn't
be home, so I didn't knock.
Why would I knock?
Nobody's home.
But she was home. This
wasn't supposed to happen.
What kind of person stands
in their bathroom naked?!
Geez, Bob, you're acting
like you've never seen
a naked woman before.
Of course I have,
but Chris is different.
She's a woman who talks to me.
You've never talked to
a naked woman before?
I've talked to lots of
women on the phone
who told me they were naked.
Don't you knock?!
You weren't
supposed to be there!
But I was there, wasn't I?
Look, Chris, I'm so sorry.
I-I didn't mean to see you.
I-I was there to
see your plumbing.
- Oh.
- And when I say "plumbing,"
I don't mean... Oh, man!
I feel like such an
ass... I mean, a boob.
Oh, God!
Okay, fellas, let's, uh...
let's get this over with.
I'm sure Bob regaled you
with stories about my body
in great graphic detail.
So, what'd he say?
Well, he told us that it
happened, but that was it.
No, no, no, come on, you
don't have to spare my feelings.
We'd never do that.
Honestly, Chris,
Bob didn't say a word.
You expect me to believe
he didn't race down here
and tell you everything?
It's the truth.
Come on, I know how guys talk.
You and your locker room gossip.
The winks between you,
the elbows in the ribs.
- The snickering.
- Hey, you know what?
I think that's a
little offensive
that you think we're
a bunch of cavemen
who sit around grunting about
what women look like naked.
All right, fine.
If I misjudged you...
And I'm pretty sure
I haven't... I'm sorry.
We do talk about women
that way, don't we?
- Of course we do.
- Mmm.
Good, 'cause I was
picturing her naked
the whole time she was here.
Since when do you wear glasses?
I don't.
Then what are those?
They just look good;
they don't do anything.
Yeah, well, you'd
be the expert on that.
They just give me so
many different looks.
I can be... smart...
sporty...
thoughtful...
or, if I meet a
really cute guy...
Easy?
Easier.
Just... just tell me
who's up first, please.
Um...
Mr. Hollenbeck.
Oh, good, John, you're back.
I've got a message for you.
It's about Mr. Humphries.
Aw, geez, crusty
pain in the ass.
What-what is it this time?
Does he have an ingrown toenail
and want to be medevac'd
to the Mayo Clinic?
- No. He...
- He have a pimple and think it's a tumor?
John...
I mean, the guy is such a
hypochondriac, you know?
He's rude and he's demanding.
You know something?
Why don't we just dump
him on some other doctor?
- John!
- I'm telling you,
Margaret, he's driving me crazy.
Calls me, like, three times
a week to tell me he's dying.
Well, this time his
cardiologist agrees with him.
He had emergency bypass surgery.
Oh. Well, wait-wait a minute.
His last EKG was perfect.
Well, you know as
well as I do it happens.
They, um... they don't
expect him to last the night.
He's asked to see you.
All right, yeah,
of course. Uh...
I'll drop by Bronx
North on my way home.
No, actually, he's at Harbor
View on, uh, Staten Island.
- Staten Island?
- Mm-hmm.
This time of day, it's going to
take me hours just to get there.
Well, then you better get going.
I'll-I'll reschedule the
rest of the patients.
Thank you, Margaret.
I told you I was sick.
Well, that's the thing about
being a hypochondriac.
Eventually, you're
going to be right.
Well, how are you feeling?
Well, I must be doing better.
They gave me another machine.
Are you in any pain?
Are you kidding?
They cracked open my chest
and played handball with my heart.
Seemed like a nice
thing to ask, all right?
Well, all right, all right, I...
I suppose I should thank you
for coming all the way here.
I damn near didn't make it.
I had to take two
trains, a ferry and a bus.
You should've done what I did,
collapse on the sidewalk
and take an ambulance.
I'll remember that
for the ride home.
You know how I used to,
uh, call you with a headache
and you'd say, "Aw,
shut up, it's nothing"?
Then I called you
with heartburn,
and you said, "Aw,
shut up, it's nothing."
I never told you to shut up.
Well, you hung up on me once.
So I wouldn't have
to tell you to shut up.
A-Any chance this is nothing?
I'm sorry.
Well, I'll say this for you.
That's the first straight
answer I got today.
I'll be honest...
I'm a little afraid.
Would it help if I stay
here with you for a while?
Well, do you think you
could be here when I...
well, you know.
I'll try.
I promise.
You know, you
got little girly hands.
- Hey, Jake.
- Hey.
- Chris isn't here, is she?
- Nope.
Oh, thank God. I don't
know what to say to her.
I-I still feel so embarrassed
about the other day.
Hi, Bob.
I thought you said
she wasn't here.
I was wrong. I'm
blind. Give me a break.
Look, Chris, about
the other day...
Doesn't matter.
No, it-it does.
I mean, seeing you
naked was horrible.
I've been having
nightmares about it.
If I could go back in time, I'd
poke my eyes out. No offense.
Horrible? Nightmares?
Poke your eyes out?
Is-is that your
idea of an apology?
I thought it was.
Was my body that hideous?
Hey, I work out six days a week.
Yoga, Tae Bo, Pilates.
I'm on my third
"Buns of Steel" tape.
And I watch what I eat, too.
I was a vegetarian
for six whole months.
Okay, I snuck an
occasional piece of sushi...
and a cupcake...
but if I can't get
one lewd comment
from a horny little super,
my God, what's
the point of it all?!
What the hell was that?
If I do the wrong
thing, it's wrong;
if I do the right
thing, it's wrong.
You're so lucky, Jake.
Safe in your dark, lonely world,
free from the burden of sight.
Well, you know, Bob,
things weren't always this rosy.
Once, when I was
15, before I went blind,
I accidentally walked
in on my Aunt Leona
while she was
putting on her bra.
Or maybe it was a hammock.
Well, all I know is that she was
strapping on something huge.
Now, my first
instinct was to run,
but, well, my-my feet,
they were just frozen. I...
I just stood in that doorway
staring at my fat, naked aunt.
Then later, during
Thanksgiving dinner,
I asked her to pass
me some turkey, and...
she gave me a breast...
and she winked at me.
I don't get how this relates
to my problem with Chris.
Let me ask you something:
Is Chris 300 pounds
with a size 56 triple-D bra?
No.
Trust me, you got off easy.
Hi, John.
Horrible, just horrible.
It took me three
hours to get there,
three hours talking
to Humphries,
who's just as charming as ever,
and then three
hours to get home.
Do I have girly hands?
- Actually, you kind of do.
- Oh...
I haven't slept all night.
I guess I shouldn't complain.
I'm lucky to be alive,
which is probably more than
I can say for Mr. Humphries.
No, no, not really.
The hospital called.
He made it through
the night just fine.
Really?
Well, they say the
human spirit is...
something or other.
He'd like to see
you again, tonight.
Tonight? Oh...
That's a hell of a
long trip out there.
Did they happen to say
exactly how alive he still is?
John!
All right, all right,
all right, I'll go.
Actually, you know what?
Margaret, we were
talking last night.
He said how fond he was of you.
- May-Maybe you should go...
- He asked for you.
Now, you only have
a few patients waiting.
I'll just reschedule the rest.
All I want to know
is, when I'm dying,
who's going to come see me?
Trust me, there'll be a crowd.
Took you long enough.
Nice to see you,
too, Mr. Humphries.
Glad you're still with us.
You look like hell.
Yeah, well...
I had a pretty rough trip.
My subway got
stuck in the tunnel,
and all the lights went out.
Ooh, that must have been scary.
I flatlined, and they had
to bring in the crash cart.
All right, all right, all
right, you win, you win.
So, how you feeling?
Well, a little better.
Believe it or not, I-I think
seeing you last night helped.
Good, good. I'm glad.
Would you mind just
reading something to me?
Sure, I guess. What do you got?
A favorite book or a
magazine or something?
Uh... how about the Bible?
Oh, no, Bible. No, no, it's...
I'm not really a
Bible kind of guy.
Come to think of
it, neither are you.
Well, I hear it can
be very comforting.
You going to help me out or not?
Ah...
Which part you want me to read?
Just start at the beginning.
"In the beginning..." Oh, yeah.
"God created the
heavens and the earth.
"And the earth was
without form and void,
"and the darkness was
upon the face of the deep.
And the spirit of God..."
Adam and Eve...
Cain and Abel...
Sonny and Cher...
Yeah, and the Hebrews escaped
from Egypt on the 10:00 ferry.
Hello, Mr. Humphries.
Just need to
take a little blood.
Hey, have a little
consideration.
The man's finally
getting some rest.
Oh, no, no, no.
I'm actually glad to be awake.
I don't want to miss
one word of the Bible.
Oh, you're reading the Bible?
You know, I'm sure
some of our other patients
would take comfort in that.
Would you mind if
I brought them in?
No, no, look-look, this
is a private moment
between my-my
patient and myself.
Absolutely not.
"And behold, I, even I,
do bring a flood of waters
"to destroy all flesh,
and everything that
is the earth shall die."
Bring it on, Lord.
What's going on?
Now, let me ask you something:
Is Chris sitting
there with anybody?
No. She's alone.
Oh, my God.
She's doing all that
eating by herself?
All I've heard for the last
hour is chewing and burping.
All right, look, I'm going in.
Chris, uh, are you okay?
Mm, never better.
Since no one seems to notice
when I do everything right,
why bother?
Are you doing all
this because of me?
Let's face it, Bob,
if you didn't even
notice how good I look,
what chance do I
have with anyone else?
Look, Chris, you
can't do this. I-I mean...
I might see you
naked again, you know,
and-and if I want to see fat,
I'll go upstairs
to Mrs. Goldman.
Trust me, I have
an open invitation.
Chris, you-you have
to stay the way you are.
Look...
I was just trying to
show you some respect.
Yeah, well, good for you.
Honestly... you got
the calves of a stripper,
the thighs of a mud wrestler,
and the abs of a
semi-legitimate masseuse.
You're just saying that.
Oh, yeah? How about this:
You've got one of the
all-time great asses.
What was that?
You got a great ass.
Bob, you have no idea
how that makes me feel.
- Thank you!
- You're welcome.
You hear that, Jake?
Got it. Great ass.
Hey, if anybody needs
me, I'll be at the gym.
What about her boobs, Bob?
Oh, right. Chris, wait up!
Oh, no glasses today?
Turns out glasses are over.
Everybody's getting
that new laser surgery
to have their vision
corrected permanently,
so that's what I did.
Oh, please don't
tell me that you...
Of course I didn't.
I just pretended.
So, you got rid of fake
glasses and got fake surgery
all to get back to
the perfect vision
you had in the first place.
Well, it doesn't
happen right away.
It takes a couple of days
for your eyes to adjust.
Oh, come on, Mr. Jackson,
you can't be surprised
that old lady hit you.
Any moron knows you
take Viagra at home,
not right before you
get on a crowded bus.
Moron.
John...
you have been beating
up on patients all morning.
You'd think after
reading the Bible
you might have
learned something.
Oh, yeah, I learned
that old people fart
and they don't even know it.
That Good Book
of yours, Margaret,
just goes on and on.
Plagues and floods and
frogs and vermin and locusts...
Yeah, it's the Bible
that goes on and on.
And all I know is, you know,
I missed the last
ferry last night,
and I had to take a cab ride
home that cost me 50 bucks.
Before, you said 49.
I was including tip.
Doctor's office.
Oh, it's Mr. Humphries'
cardiologist.
Yes?
Yes, I'll tell him.
Dead or alive?
It's a miracle.
You didn't answer my question.
Alive.
Oh, don't tell me.
He wants to see
me again tonight.
John, we are talking
about a man who's dying.
No, we're talking
about a man who,
if he has to go to Staten
Island one more time,
may kill himself.
John, you promised that
you would be with him.
Yeah, and I meant
it, too, when I thought
that he was going to
check out the first night.
- John, you are terrible.
- Come on.
You know, there's a
limit to compassion,
and I passed it,
like, three days ago.
Well, I suppose you're right.
It is a lot to ask you to go
out there every single night.
Yeah, yeah, it is.
I mean, you can't
keep doing this forever.
No, I can't. You know? I
got my own life, you know.
Well, I do.
Oh, you know what?
I'll... Fine, I'll go.
Tell Mr. Humphries
I've been praying for him.
Yeah, well, stop it.
I'll tell you something else,
I don't care what happens,
this is the last time I'm
going out there. I mean it.
Maureen, hi.
Lee, how are the girls?
Hey, Dr. Becker. You know,
coming here every night
the way you do is just so nice.
Yeah, yeah, I'm a real saint.
How's he doing?
He's hanging in there.
Oh, of course he is.
Did you bring the root beer?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I brought your root beer.
Oh, great.
The last root beer I'll ever
have, and he brings me generic.
It's all... it's all
the same stuff.
Plus, it's cheaper.
All right, so what are
we going to do tonight?
Well, actually, I'd-I'd
like you to read me this.
10,000 Reasons to Smile.
Oh, God.
"Puppy kisses...
rainbows... snowmen."
This is like 10,000 reasons
to step in front of a bus.
Well, my grandson
gave me that book,
but if it's not good
enough for you, fine.
How about this?
Tuesdays with Morrie.
Yeah, it's good.
It's about a young man visiting
an old guy on his death bed.
Wh-Why do we have to
read about it? We're living it.
That book is about a
thoughtful young man.
Yes, I noticed.
Who doesn't like
Tuesdays with Morrie?
I got no problem with Tuesday.
It's all the rest of
the days of the week
I'm having trouble with.
Do you have any idea
what it's taken for me
to get out here every
night for two weeks?
You know, I've had
to cancel patients.
You know, I... I've spent
a fortune on transportation,
and tonight on the ferry, some
drunk puked all over my shoes.
Well, maybe you'll have
an easier trip tomorrow.
Tomorrow... No,
damn it, listen...
I can't come tomorrow.
You have to.
Why? It's not going
to make any difference.
- No...
- Look at your chart.
All I know is,
they keep telling
me I'm gonna die.
Then you visit me, and I
wake up the next morning.
It's like you're my
good-luck charm.
Trust me, you're
not a lucky man.
Look at your chart.
Look, I'm sorry.
I-I just can't keep
coming back here.
I don't have the time.
You don't have the time?
So, this is difficult for you?
Yes, yes, it is.
Yeah, so...
what you're saying
is, it's inconvenient.
Yes, yes, it is.
Do you have any idea how
many hours I wasted in your office?
What?
I sat so long in your office
waiting for you to
check my prostate,
I got hemorrhoids.
And another time, I
spent the whole afternoon
just waiting for
a lousy physical
while you were screaming on
the phone to the cable company.
And how many hours
have I listened to you
rant on and on about
George Bush, Bill Clinton
and George Bush again?
So, please, don't... don't talk
to me about inconvenience.
The cable guy said he
was going to be there
between 10:00 and 12:00.
The way I figure it, you owe me.
Look, Mr. Humphries...
Besides...
you promised.
Yeah, but that's when
I thought that you...
"Summer rain.
"Flying kites.
A day at the zoo."
It's too bright in here.
Turn off that light.
No, no, the-the
switch is broken.
You have to unplug it.
It's the plug on the right!
I know, I know.