Becker (1998–2004): Season 5, Episode 3 - L.A. Woman - full transcript

♪♪

Mmm.

Mmm...

Mmm-mmm-mmm.

Excuse me.

Oh. You.

Yeah, me.

Uh, would you mind
putting that out?

What, this?

Yeah, that. The smoke's
coming right in my window.

Well, here's a thought:
close your window.



Well, I could close my window,

but I shouldn't have to
on a warm evening like this

just because my neighbor

has chosen to pollute his
lungs and everything around him.

Yeah, well, thanks, but
you don't have to worry

about my lungs.

It's a cigar. You don't
inhale cigar smoke.

Well, I'm sure inhaling it.

Well, you should
try not to do that.

Well, I don't seem
to have much choice.

Well, I gave you my window idea.

I don't know what
else to tell you.

Don't you think you're
being a little childish?

How many children do
you know smoke cigars?



Uh...

Your attitude.

Obviously, this
whole cigar thing

is your way of throwing
a little temper tantrum

because you keep asking
me out and I keep rejecting you.

You need to think
that, go ahead.

This, however,
happens to be a gift

from a very grateful patient

thanking me for
treating his emphysema.

He gets better,
I get his cigars.

It's what we in the medical
profession call "win-win."

Well, there are
tears in my eyes.

Mmm.

But not from your stupid story,

so why don't you
just put that out?

Why don't you just
leave me alone?

You know, this is a Cuban cigar.

They're very hard to come by.

Cuban, huh? So what
you're doing is illegal.

No, what I'm doing

is giving meaning
to the pitiful lives

of the poor, oppressed
workers who made this.

Now, maybe you
could throw it away,

but I'll be damned if
I'm gonna snuff out

the very thing that
gives them reason

to crawl out of
bed in the morning.

- You're a saint.
- Mmm.

And, uh, by the way,
your shirt's on fire.

Yeah, right. Ow!
Gee! Oh! Gah! Oh! Ow!

Good morning, John.

How are you?

How am I? How am I?

Yeah, I'm tired
and I'm pissed off

'cause somebody
woke me up at 4:00 a.m.

You want to know who
woke me up at 4:00 a.m.?

My insane, vindictive,
lunatic neighbor

who hates me, that's who.

You're going to have
to be more specific.

Chris! You know, I was
jolted out of a sound sleep

by a "thump, thump,
thump" on my-my ceiling

like she was jumping up and
down on a... on a pogo stick,

all to get back at me for
some perceived cigar incident.

I mean, who does that at
4:00 a.m. in the morning?

Are you even listening to me?

Chris, thump, 4:00 a.m. Got it.

I mean, h-how do you
deal with somebody

who is so irrational,
so childish, so petty?

Sometimes all you can do

is smile and keep them
busy with other things.

Ed Garland is in two,

Mrs. Henderson is in one,

and Mr. Dorsey's
X-rays are on your desk.

Morning, Dr. Becker.

Not now, Linda.

And I know what you
were doing, Margaret.

After ten years, I'd hope so.

Margaret, I have to leave
early to get to the airport.

Where are you
going on a Tuesday?

I'm not going anywhere.

I'm flying in from Los Angeles.

You're flying in
from Los Angeles

and coming here to New York?

Yeah. I caught the 7:00
a.m. flight this morning

out of LAX and I land

at Kennedy at around
3:30 New York time.

You know, sometimes

I have to figure out a
way to look interested,

but this time, I actually am.

Go.

Well, I met this guy named
Kevin at a bar down in SoHo,

and he was cute and nice

and I really wanted
him to like me,

so when he asked where I lived,

it seemed so boring to
just say that I'm from here,

work in a crappy
doctor's office,

and why don't we all
just slip into a coma.

So, when I heard "L.A.
Woman" playing on the jukebox,

I improvised and told
him I was from L.A.

Pretty good thinking, huh?

Well, it's some
kind of thinking.

Um, just curious...
What is it you do in L.A.?

I'm a commodities broker

at a very prestigious
firm downtown.

Linda, you don't know
anything about commodities.

I don't think
anyone really does.

This has got to be
the most bizarre thing

you've ever done,

and that includes that
weekend you became a Geisha.

Look, can I leave early or not?

Kevin's picking me
up at baggage claim

and I still have to pack.

Fine!

Oh, it's gonna be
good to get away.

Morning, Jake.

Hey, Bob.

You know, I have to be here,

but with Reggie gone,
the diner's not even open.

I mean, wh-what do
you come here for?

Well, you're still open
for business, right?

I come here to support you.

Then try buying something.

Moral support,
buddy, moral support.

You made coffee, huh?

Well, I made
something. You tell me.

It's not bad.

It's not coffee,
but it's not bad.

Actually, you know what,
Bob? I need to talk to you.

Now, I'm helping Amanda
paint the bedroom...

Whoa, hold on a second.

You're helping Amanda paint?

Moral support,
buddy, moral support.

I-I think she lied to
me about the color.

Now, is this a
can of white paint?

Close.

It's a can of baked beans.

Damn it, I grabbed
the wrong one.

Well, if it helps, there's
some paint on your shirt.

Oh, really? What color is it?

Ah, it's sort of a soft pastel.

Kind of a blush pink.

Kind of a... Ah, who
am I kidding? It's gay.

So she did lie to me.

She told me it was white, man.

I can't believe she'd do that.

She lied to you,
she deceived you.

- She clearly has no respect for you.
- Mm-hmm.

But on the plus side, we
got baked beans for lunch.

There you are.

I've been leaving
messages for you all day.

Becker, think about it.

Why would I ruin my life
with an answering machine

that actually recorded
incoming calls?

Listen, John, I got to talk to
you about Amanda real quick.

Yeah, I-later. Look,
Chris was up at 4:00 a.m.

stomping all over her apartment

while I was trying to sleep.

Now, it's your job
as building super

to either fine
her, or evict her,

or have her arrested, I
don't really care which.

I like Chris. She's pretty.

So, John, about
this Amanda thing...

Yeah, later. I'm trying
to deal with Bob here.

Fine.

- Look, I'm serious.
- I know you are.

- Hey, Jake.
- Hey.

Why are you, uh, holding
a can of baked beans?

I'm painting my apartment.

Hey, hi. Here she
is. Let her have it.

You know? Ask-ask
her why she was making

all that noise this morning.

Go ahead. Ask her.

You look pretty today.

Thanks, Bob.

And you can tell my neighbor

that I was jumping
rope this morning.

Jumping rope! Did
you hear that?! Jump...

Ask her why, Bob.

Do something
different with your hair?

Yeah, thanks. I'm
trying a new mousse.

And you can tell him

that as a child,
I was very sick...

Maybe the doctor is
familiar with fibromyalgia...

And so it's important for
me to exercise my legs

to keep them from shriveling
up like so much rotten fruit.

Yeah, I saw that movie,
too, this morning at 4:00 a.m.

But at least that little
girl had the decency

to exercise before
she went to bed.

Yeah, well, she didn't have
to wait for the cigar smoke

to clear out of her apartment.

Bob, just tell her
to knock it off.

So what do you wear
when you jump rope?

Yes... I'm warning
you, I better not hear

a jump rope tonight.

Don't worry, you won't.

I rented a belt sander.

I'm going to strip my floors.

You know something? I
don't appreciate the sarcasm.

You hear that?

Yeah... stripping her floors.

Good morning, John.

I want you to get on the
phone and find me a 12-foot pole

with a boot on the end of
it. Don't ask why, just do it.

Six more credits, and I could
have been a court reporter.

Sorry I'm late, Margaret.

The market was
crazy this morning.

I had to go down to
Wall Street for a meeting.

You actually went all the
way down to Wall Street?

I had to.

Kevin insisted
on waiting with me

until I got on the bus.

Well, then, why didn't you
just take it one stop and get off?

It was an express, smarty-pants.

We had the greatest night.

This city can be so romantic,

it almost makes
me want to live here.

You mean, more
than you already do?

Oh, Margaret, it was fantastic.

From the second we kissed
hello at the airport, it was magic.

We came into the city, we
walked down Fifth Avenue,

and for dinner, we found
this cute little French place

in Gramercy Park that
nobody knows about.

That place you
go to all the time?

That's the one.

Then we had cappuccinos

at this outdoor cafe
in Green-which Village.

It's Greenwich Village.

I know, but Kevin
thinks it's cute

the way I mispronounce it.

Then we spent the night

at this fabulous apartment
overlooking Central Park

where my company put me up.

You mean your apartment?

That's the one.

You know, I think
this thing with Kevin

could turn into something great.

But it's dishonest.

Margaret, think about it.

If I told Kevin that I
was from New York,

we'd see each other
every single day,

and then before you know it,
it'd be the same old, same old.

Pretty soon, I'd stop
paying attention to my hair,

stop shaving my legs...

Well, you know
what I'm talking about.

It was just that one
week when I was sick!

Look, Linda...

when you're in an honest,
long-term relationship

like I am with Louis, you'll
find comfort and security

in coming home to the
same person every night.

Okay, last night,

when he was sitting
there in his shorts

burping out all the answers
to Wheel of Fortune,

it wasn't exactly a high
point, and I told him...

What I'm trying to say is,

if you build a
relationship on a lie,

then you'll always
have to pretend

it's something it's not.

Pretty cool, huh?

I'm sorry.

Did we schedule a sleepover?

Is this pillowcase dark
gray with steel blue trim?

Close. It's pale blue
with dainty little flowers.

So... so it's not a
guy's pillowcase.

Well, I'm sure a certain
type of guy might like it.

Damn it, Amanda's making
my apartment all girly

and she's lying to me about it.

This is what I've been trying
to talk to you about all day.

All right, all right.
Fine, you know.

We are close friends. I
guess I can't get out of this.

Come on in. I'll get you a beer.

What's going on?

Well, it's like I
said, you know?

Amanda's redecorating
the apartment,

and she's lying to me about it.

I mean, does she really
think that she can fool me?

Huh? That I can't
just bring someone

into my bedroom and
ask them what color it is?

Ah, women. Who
knows how they think?

Yeah. I mean, I've told
her what I want, right?

But sometimes it feels like
she doesn't even listen to me.

- Shh-shh!
- What is it?

Here you go. I'm sorry,
buddy, keep talking.

- I'm right here, pal.
- Yeah.

I mean, does she... does she
have so little respect for me

that she'd just lie
right to my face?

Ah, women. Heh.

You can't trust 'em.

Um... I'm going to
have to, uh, hang

some socks out on the
fire escape here, pal.

But you keep talking. I
can hear you loud and clear.

I mean, when trust
disappears in a relationship,

well, the relationship just
goes right out the window.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

If I can't trust

the woman I'm
living with, well, I'm in

a whole truckload
of trouble right there.

Hey, women! What
are you gonna do?

Well, let's say maybe one
day we decide to get married

and it doesn't quite work out,

and somewhere down
the road, she decides

she wants a divorce
but she doesn't want

to go through the formalities
of getting a divorce,

all she's gotta do is...

Another cigar?

Wow. In Cuba, you must
be, like, a national hero.

Oh, hello. Yeah.

Well, just trying to do my part.

Hands across the
water and all that.

Well, if the cigarettes
don't kill you,

it's good to have a backup.

Gee, I hope the smoke's
not bothering you.

No, no, not me.

But it does seem
to dry out my plant.

Maybe I better
freshen it up a bit.

Yeah, you do that.

Wow, it looks better already.

I don't know, John.

I feel like my
whole relationship

is at stake here, you know?

I mean, am I missing something?

Is there some secret to
getting along with women?

Do you think I
know? Feel my head.

Flying back to California today?

Yeah. I have a 6:00 flight.

Kevin's so sweet.

He wants to take me to
the airport to say good-bye.

So, let me just check here.

I'm all packed, I've got my
plane ticket... I'm ready to go.

You bought a plane ticket?

I got to hand it to you, Linda.

When you commit yourself to
something, you don't go halfway.

Well, that would be pointless.

Halfway would be, like,
somewhere in Oklahoma.

Besides, the plane
ticket's the best part.

See, when we're at the
airport saying good-bye,

we know we have to savor
every moment we have together,

then... I take out the ticket,

and we realize it's
time for me to go.

That's when things
really heat up.

Well, Linda, you've got it all.

Too bad none of it's real.

What kind of deranged person
pours water over your head

when you're pretending
to hang imaginary socks

out on a fire escape?

I hardly ever know
what he's talking about.

Never mind him.

When is your company
sending you back to New York?

Well, let's see... I've got to
be in Paris for a conference...

Ooh, I would
love to go to Paris.

So would I.

Anyways, I've got a ten-hour
layover on my way home.

So, I'm going to surprise Kevin

and book a room at the
Plaza for the afternoon.

Last time I took
Louis to the Plaza,

he stole an ashtray
and sold it on eBay.

Hello, Louis.

Whatcha doin'?

Well, pretend I don't know.

Yeah, as if the pink paint
and the flowered sheets

weren't bad enough,

this morning, I reached
down for my shoes

and I found my bed had a
ruffly little skirt all around it.

Now, I know I sure as
hell didn't put it there.

I don't know what
to do, Margaret.

Do... do I confront her?

Do... do I forget it?

- Do I...
- Oh, shut up.

What?

Is there excitement
in your life?

Yeah, I guess.

Is there passion?

Yeah.

Has she worn the same pair

of raggedy-ass sweatpants to bed

- for the last seven years?
- No.

Then trust me,
you've got a good life.

But it's my apartment.

Oh, for God's
sake, you're blind.

You can imagine you
live anywhere you want

with anybody you want.

- Hi, Margaret.
- Yeah, yeah.

- Hey, Jake.
- Hey, Chris.

Hey, uh, do me a
favor. I-I gotta go.

Here are the keys.
Would you lock up for me?

Where are you going?

Home to Trump Tower to
sleep with Elle Macpherson.

- Hey, Jake.
- Hey, later, John.

Oh, yeah, there you are.

You know that plant you
just had to water last night?

I checked... it's plastic!

Huh. No wonder it's not growing.

You know something,
maybe you ought to join a gym.

You know, work off
some of this aggression.

I don't need to join a gym.

I just bought a new
clog dancing tape.

- I get plenty of exercise.
- If I hear one clog, I swear...

Don't you tell me what
I can and cannot do.

- If I want to sand my floors...
- Bob! Bob!

You gotta throw
her ass out of here!

I gotta tell you
something, man, she's...

He's lucky I just dropped
water on him. I should've...

Stop it!

What is the matter with you two?

- He's the most selfish...
- She's got plastic plants

up there. It's a fire hazard.

Shut up!

Look, either sleep together
or kill each other, I don't care!

Just leave me out of it.

The two of you are
acting like children.

You should be
ashamed of yourself.

And you know what you
should be the most ashamed of?

That we had to hear it from you?

Wasn't where I was
going, but excellent point.

My God...

how did you two sink so low?

Oh, I wish I didn't have
to go back to California.

I'm gonna miss you.

I'll miss you more.

Every time I pass that
cafe, I'll think of you.

And I'll think of you
every time I... go surfing.

You're so cute.

Yeah, I know.

Well, I guess it's...

time.

Okay, I really have to go.

Wait, I've got a
surprise for you.

I'm coming with you.

Los Angeles Flight 82
from New York now arriving.

Uh, Margaret, I may
be a little late tomorrow.

Let's go, honey.

I can't wait to see
your beach house.

Neither can I.

Hi.

Oh... hi.

I love looking at
the city at night.

I like to think
each of those lights

is someone falling in love.

I always figure it's
someone being murdered.

Well, it's funny how often one
seems to lead to the other, huh?

No, it... it's okay,
you can smoke.

Oh, that's all right. I
know it bothers you.

No, no, go ahead. I'll just...
I'll-I'll close my window.

Nah, you know, I probably
shouldn't smoke anyway.

I think I read somewhere
it's not all that good for you.

Wow, look at that, I believe
we just reached a compromise.

Oh, I guess we did.

We, uh... we did get
a little silly, didn't we?

I suppose.

You know, there's no reason
we can't get along, you know,

like neighbors.

Could happen.

Maybe even... like friends.

Anything's possible.

Is that your doorbell?

Yeah. Uh-huh.

Are you expecting
company or something?

- Uh, yeah, or something.
- Oh.

Somebody you know? A guy, or...?

What if it is?

Wait, I-I just think
it's little late, isn't it?

Excuse me?

Well, who has a
guy over at 11:00?

Well, what's it matter to you?

It doesn't. I just
think it's a little weird.

Well, fortunately, it is
none of your business.

Come on in!

Oh, Steve, hi.

- Steve?
- Hi. I was afraid you'd never get here.

I really need this.

Now, get in here
and shut the door.

Ooh, this is so hot!

I have been looking
forward to this all week.

Wait, I-I don't understand.

Thanks for the pizza.
You can go now.

But you said I was hot.

You're not. Go.