Becker (1998–2004): Season 5, Episode 10 - Chris-Mess - full transcript

II

Oh, God, Christmas!

It looks like Santa
threw up in here.

Oh... come on, John,
it's Christmas.

What could you possibly hate
about Christmas?

Oh, you shouldn't
have done that.

Yeah, let's start with
reindeer, elves,

fake snow, real snow...
and-and eggnog.

What the hell is that?

It's like an alcoholic's excuse
to get drunk at breakfast.

-What about...
-0kay, okay, I give!



Yeah, see, I warned you.

Well, I'm not going to let you
spoil the holidays.

Jake and I are very excited
about Christmas.

Hey, you speak for yourself.

I'm spending it with my nana.

The whole family chipped in
and bought her a new hip.

I thought you got her
a new hip last year.

No, that was a knee.

You know, I'm afraid
if we keep this up,

somebody will kidnap her
and strip her for parts.

Okay, Bob's in big trouble.

-I just got into a fight.
-What? What happened?

I'm walking down the street
minding my own business,

when all of a sudden,
I hear someone call me



by my old high school nickname.

Next thing I know, I'm kicking

the living crap out of
the bastard.

-Who was it?
-Santa Claus.

You went to high school
with Santa Claus?

Not the real one.
This was Jimmy Biondalillo.

He was dressed up as Santa.

I think he works for
the Salvation Army or something.

-And you beat him up?
-He had it coming!

The guy tormented me
all through high school.

I mean,
he single-handedly ruined

any chance I ever had
of being cool.

I think DNA and a bad haircut
took care of that.

Yeah, so... so, Bob, what was
your high school nickname?

-It's not important.
-CHRIS: No, come on, come on.

-What was it? Bobby?
-BECKER: Yeah.

-The Bobster? Bobbarino?
-Come on.

Bobbarooney?

Fine.

If you must know...

it was "Barbara."

(Vaughn)
Barbara?

-(laughing)
-BOB: One time,

I went to high school
wearing shoulder pads,

and I'm branded for life.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
you wore shoulder pads?

They were very in at the time!

-Yeah, for girls.
-Hey! Hey!

I have very narrow shoulders...

which gave my mother
an easy delivery

but plagued me later in life.

For example,

I still have trouble
wearing a backpack.

-You wear a backpack?
-BOB: Hey!

This isn't funny!
This is serious!

Jimmy Biondalillo is
going to be coming after me.

Bob, what are you so scared of?
You just beat him up.

Well, truth be told, I...
I kind of sucker-punched him.

I may have also bit him,
scratched him

and pulled his hair.

It was very violent.

I think I broke a nail.

He even fights like a Barbara.

So, Chris, first big Christmas
in New York.

What are you doing?
Are you busy?

John, I know the holidays
can be lonely,

but we've been over this
100 times before:

I'm not going out with you.

You know, for your information,

I'm spending the holidays with
this woman I've been seeing.

-Really?
-Yeah.

You never said anything
about her.

Yeah, John,
you never said a word.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Was I supposed to

run that by
the social committee?

So, what is this
mystery lady's name?

Helen.

Helen, huh?

No, just Helen.

And how did you
and "just Helen" meet?

Well, if you must know,
we got stuck in an elevator.

-Really?
-Yeah.

We were trapped between floors
for hours.

She said one of us
should be brave

and go for help, so I...

you know, I boosted her up,
but she...

couldn't open the trap door,

so we just, you know,
sat around for a while, talked

and waited to be rescued.

And we've been seeing each other
ever since.

You know, if you two
want to vote on this,

I'll be in my office, you know,
anxiously awaiting the results.

What a load of crap.

-What?
-0h, come on, Jake.

Think about it-- a minute ago,
he said he hated Christmas

and everything about it,

and then the second I say
I'm not available,

he says he's spending
the holidays with Helen.

And what kind of name
is "Helen"?

He made the whole thing up
just to make me jealous.

You know, it could be true.

I mean, just because
a girl was stuck

for hours
in an elevator with John,

doesn't mean she wouldn't want
to go on a date with...

You're right--
he's a big-ass liar.

Morning, Linda.

Yeah, morning. Whatever.

Why the long face?

It just seems that way.
I cut my hair.

No, no, no, no, no.

I mean, it's almost Christmas
and you look so sad.

Then why are you
making fun of my hair?

No, Linda, what I meant was...

Margaret, maybe
you haven't noticed,

but I'm not in a very good mood.

My mom's spending the holidays
with her new boyfriend,

my dad's going to be
with his old girlfriend,

my grandmother ran off
with her chauffeur,

my grandfather's, well...

dead.

0h, Linda, I'm so sorry
to hear that.

It's okay.
It would have killed him

to see my grandmother
with the chauffeur.

Mr. Miller,
you can't blame the cat.

If you tried to strap antlers
on my head,

I'd scratch the hell
out of you, too.

For crying out loud,
the guy wants a reindeer,

he should strap the antlers
on his wife.

She already has the horse face.

I just don't get
this whole Christmas thing.

I mean, what's the point?
Who cares?

You know, Linda, instead of
feeling sorry for yourself,

maybe it would help if you
thought about somebody else.

Like, do something nice
for someone you don't know.

I did that last night.

No, I meant like volunteering
at a soup kitchen,

or maybe even spending
some time with the elderly.

0h, gross.

Well, you know
you're always welcome

to come and spend Christmas
with Lewis and me.

Thank you, Margaret.
That's very kind.

But I'm depressed enough
as it is.

I'd be depressed, too,
if I had that haircut.

Guys. Can I have a...

a roast beef sandwich
and coffee to go, please?

Okay, what do you want
on that?

Make it exactly the way they do
at the deli across the street.

Why don't you just go
to the deli across the street?

They hate me over there.

So, I'm surprised to see you.

I figured you'd be off somewhere
with your girlfriend.

-Ah.
-What's her name?

-Helen, wasn't it?
-Mmm.

-Right, right, Helen.
-Yeah.

So, John, have you thought about

what you're going to get Helen
for Christmas?

-I have to get her something?
-Yeah, of course.

Can't go out
with somebody at Christmas

and not get her
a little something.

Well, see, that's what I hate
about the holidays.

What if I get her a gift
and she doesn't get me one?

Or she gets me one
and I don't get her one?

Or what if the gift I get her

is a lot nicer
than the one she gets me?

You know that's not
gonna happen.

Well, I don't know
what to get her.

Well, maybe we can help you
pick something out.

Why don't you tell us
a little bit about her?

Well, she's kind of hard
to describe.

Well, I'm sure she is.

Uh...

All right,
she's a magazine editor.

-Ooh, fancy. What magazine?
-The, uh...

New Yorker, I think.

Sure, why not?

She's smart, she's funny,
she's attractive.

Oh, you know, never mind.
I-I'll figure this out.

Well, here's your sandwich...

exactly the way they make it
at the deli across the street.

I even spit in it.

You what?

They really do hate you.

Hmm?

Did you see how flustered he got
when I brought up Helen?

There is no way she exists.

Of course she doesn't exist.

He's talking about
spending money on her.

Hey, Chris,
I need a place to hide.

Do you have, like,
an attic or a crawlspace

or, like, a huge piece
of Tupperware?

What's the matter, Barbara?

Jimmy Biondalillo's after me.

I mean, there's a Santa
on every corner.

I-I don't know
which one to be afraid of.

I can't let my guard down!

He knows where I'm sleeping,
he knows when I'm awake!

Wait, wait, wait.

Don't you think
you're overreacting?

No way. Santa's out there
waiting to get me.

You don't know this guy.

He'll rip your head off
and eat it for breakfast.

Santa's a killer.

He's an evil,
flesh-eating monster!

(crying)

What are you crying about?
He's not coming to your house.

Well, Margaret,
I took your advice.

This whole giving of myself
thing sucked.

I went to the soup kitchen,
it smelled like old people.

I went to the old-age home,
it smelled like soup.

No matter what I do,

I just don't feel
very Christmassy.

Look, Linda,
I know what'll cheer you up.

I am going caroling with
some people from my church.

Why don't you join us?

I don't know how singing
a bunch of dumb songs

about snowmen and Jesus
can make anyone feel good.

I don't know if the snowmen
heard that,

but I know Jesus did.

0h, all right. You don't have
to get all Bible-y on me.

I'll give it a try,
but I don't know

if I'm as good as you
and your friends.

Oh, come on.
Nobody cares how you sound.

God loves all voices.

Even my friend who stutters
and spits when he talks?

-Yes, Linda.
-Even my Uncle Larry

who speaks through a hole
in his neck?

Yes, Linda.

Even this girl I once knew
who had a...?

I said God loves all voices.

Why don't you drive
a little faster

through the puddle next time?

That way, you can
actually drown me!

-(engine revs, tires squeal)
-Merry Christmas, jerk!

(grunting)

(elevator bell dings)

Chris? You need any help?

No, no, no. I'm-I'm fine.

Oh, I'm sorry. Uh, Helen, Chris.
Chris, Helen.

I told you about her, remember?

Wow, you're Helen.

Uh, the, uh... the...
the way John described you,

you seemed too good to be true.

-0h, that's so sweet.
-Yeah. Usually... usual...

usually, uh, when-when...

things are too good to be true,
uh, they are,

but, uh... but obviously
they're not,

because he-here you are.

Did you get hit
by a car or something?

Yeah, a... a, uh... a cab

splashed me,
and then my groceries...

-well, you know, the bag broke.
-0h. Ah.

So, so, so, so, so...

so you, uh... you-you really
work for The New Yorker?

-Mm-hmm.
-That's great. I, um...

I really like the cartoons.

I mean, you know, not that I
don't read the articles, but...

-No, it's okay. I like
the cartoons, too. -Yeah.

Not that this isn't fascinating,
but we're kind of late

to Helen's office
Christmas party.

Careful there.

Uh, yeah, right.
Uh, so... so, uh, ha-have fun.

Well, I'll bring you back
a cartoon or two.

-Well, it was nice meeting you.
-Yes, yes.

-Oh, oh.
-Oh, that's...

that's, uh, egg yolk.

-Uh, here, just use my sleeve.
-0h...

-No, it's ruined anyway.
-No, no, no.

Yeah, go ahead.
It's all right.

(Becker groans)

-Thank you.
-I guess we better be going.

Uh, are you sure, uh,
you don't want any...?

No. No, go have fun.
I-I've got this under control.

Actually, you know what,
let-let me catch up with you.

-I'll be right back.
-0kay.

-Here.
-0h, thanks.

-Thank you.
-Hmm.

Ow. Ow.

Oh--- Get---...

-Get it out. Get it out.
-I'm sorry. Hold on.

Ow. Ow.

Whoa-oh.

-Sorry.
-Um...

Thank you.

Hey, Bob. Coffee?

Damn! My disguise didn't work!

What the hell are you doing?

Trying to hide in plain sight.

I didn't know
which Santa was after me,

so I became one of them.

How'd you know it was me?

I could smell your hair gel.

-0h!
-Bob, it's not gonna work.

You're not exactly
the Santa type.

You're more like a pocket Santa.

That's because
I'm the only one in here.

Out there, I'm gonna blend in.

-Hey, Bob.
-How'd you know?

-Hair gel.
-Damn!

Hey, Chris, what's going on?

She's real, Jake.

Who's real?

Helen. John's Helen.

I met her last night.

Really? What's she like?

Oh, you know, tall, dark hair,
long legs.

She's gorgeous.

At least I think she was.

I was crawling on all fours,

chasing a can of SpaghettiOs
when we met.

Ah, hey. Can I have
some coffee, please?

Yeah, of course.

Don't let this go to your head,

but you look
a lot less disgusting

than you did last night.

-Thanks.
-Huh.

-So, uh, Helen seemed nice.
-Yeah, yeah.

We've only been dating
for a couple weeks,

but we're really hitting it off.

In fact, she invited me
to spend Christmas

up with her family in Vermont.

I think I'm gonna do it.

JAKE:
Wow, I'm surprised, John.

-Why?
-Because you hate Christmas,

you hate families
and you hate Vermont.

True, but I might as well
hate it with somebody I like.

So what are you up to?

Me?

Mmm.

Uh, well, uh, I-I, uh...
I have plans with...

Owen.

-0wen?
-0wen?

Yes, yes, uh, Owen. I'll be
spending the holidays with Owen.

He's a musician.
Uh, uh, he's in a band.

A big band.
Uh, not big band music.

Just a big... uh, symphony.

And, uh, so he plays the oboe,
and, uh, well, you know,

we-we've, uh...
we-we've been spending

a lot of time together.

He's, uh... he's wonderful.

And, uh, who knows?
He-he could be the one.

So... so, yeah,
it'll be a great Christmas

with-with me and my Owen.

Well, uh, sounds like
it'll be a great time.

Yeah! Yeah, it will be, yeah.

Owen's very nice and handsome.

Did I... did I mention that?

Owen's handsome.

-0h.
-Wen. Owen.

Right.

Hey, what-what do people
do in Vermont, anyway?

I don't know. They ski,
go antiquing, chop wood.

Huh. Sounds like the kind of
place, if you don't have cable,

you want to blow
your brains out.

Well, you know, have a happy.

Owen? How'd you come up
with that?

Because it sounds like "no one,"

which is who I am
actually dating.

I can't believe I made up
a whole person.

Why am I letting this get to me?

I don't know.
Maybe 'cause you like John.

No, I don't like him.

Well, then why you
getting so mad?

I mean, you're the one
that told him to move on.

No, I am not upset
that he moved on.

I'm upset that he moved on
before I moved on.

And I'm really upset
that I am now dating

a loser named Owen
who plays the oboe!

♪ Silent night ♪

♪ Holy night ♪

♪ All is calm ♪

♪ All is bright... ♪

Barbara!

Jimmy!

♪ Round yon virgin ♪

(tires squeal, horn honks)

♪ Mother and child ♪

Linda singing off-key):
♪ Holy infant ♪

♪ So tender and mild ♪

♪ Sleep in heavenly ♪

♪ Peace ♪

♪ Sleep in heavenly ♪

♪ Peace. ♪

What? Not loud enough?

No, no, no.
It's... well, it's...

I know, Margaret.
I feel it, too.

It's just this warm,
rich feeling

that I had forgotten
was possible.

Thank you.

You made it Christmas again.

My pleasure.

♪ Joy to the world I

(Linda singing off-key):
A" The Lord is come 1"

-(Bob screaming)
-.I Let Earth receive her King J“

Help! Please, let me in!
Santa's gonna kill me!

Let me in! Oh, no, no!
Help! (groans)

♪ Joy to the world, Key to... ♪

Please, no, no!

Oh! Oh... that hurt.

-BOB: Come on.
-♪ Let Earth ♪

-No! Please, no!
-♪ Receive her King ♪

♪ Let every heart
prepare Him room ♪

BOB:
Oh, no, phase, no, no: Oh:!

-♪ And Heaven and nature sing ♪
-(groans) Oh, no!

-0h, Mommy!
-♪ And Heaven and nature sing ♪

♪ And Heaven and Heaven
and nature sing. ♪

0h, hey. Hi.

Hi.

-You're here.
-Yeah.

I, uh... I-I thought
you were going to Vermont.

Well, no, I am, I am. I just did
some last-minute shopping.

0h.

Well, what about you?

I'm, uh... I'm br-bringing
down the garbage.

No, I meant, I thought you

we’re going to be
spending some time with Owen.

0h, right, right, I am.

He's, uh... he's...
he's running late.

Uh... big emergency
at the orchestra.

The tuba player hyperventilated,

and you-you wouldn't believe
the sound he made.

A big-big mess.

0h.

Um, well, I gotta get upstairs
and start packing.

Uh, Helen's picking me up
in a few minutes.

Yeah, I got to go, too.

Uh, I want to be ready
for when Owen picks me up.

-Uh...
-Ah.

We're going to go downtown
and do some, uh,

-Christmas... stuff.
-Right, right.

Well, so we both have plans.

We'll probably go ice-skating.

Ah. 0h, great.

Um... have a good Christmas.

Yeah. Y-You, too.

-Ah.
-Right.

-Bye.
-Bye-bye.

(elevator bell dings)

(knocking)

Uh, coming.

-Hey.
-Hi.

You look nice. You ready to go?

Yeah, yeah.

HELEN:
0h.

You want to stop
at the Salvation Army

and make a donation?

Oh, no, that's my...
that's my suitcase.

Really? (laughs)

No, no, I mean, it's...
it's nice. Vintage.

Yeah.

So we better get going.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Uh, you know,
wait-wait a minute. Uh...

I've been thinking.

You know, I-I don't
have the right socks.

Is... is that going
to be a problem?

I'll have my mom knit you some.

Come on, you'll be fine.

We're gonna have
a great time. Right?

Trust me.

(knocking)

John?

Yeah?

Is this about the socks?

No.

Well, did you forget something?

Yeah, kind of.

I forgot I didn't want
to go to Vermont.

Can you open the door?

Yeah.

Okay.

What's going on?

I-I don't know.

I thought you were
looking forward to this.

No, no, I was. You know...
you know, I just think...

you know, spending time
with your parents

at Christmas
is sending a message

that I'm just not ready to send.

And don't you think
it's a little late

to be springing this on me?

I mean, I don't understand,
what's going on here?

Is it Vermont?

Is it my parents?

Is it me?

No, no. No, it's...

Is there someone else?

I don't know.

I'm sorry. I really am.
I'm very sorry.

So am I.

II

(melancholy rendition
of "Jingle Bells" playing)

II