Becker (1998–2004): Season 5, Episode 11 - Once Upon a Time - full transcript

♪♪

Margaret, I'm going crazy. I
can't remember what this is.

It's a pen, Linda.

I'm talking about this
note on the calendar.

I drew a star on today's date,

and I can't
remember what it's for.

- Oh, that. Linda...
- At first, I thought

it was to remind me
to read my horoscope,

but I remembered I don't
believe in that hokey stuff

since I discovered numerology.

No, Linda, I put
that star there.



It's to remind me that today is

my ten-year
anniversary working here.

- You've been here ten years?
- Mm-hmm.

God, Margaret, you should
have drawn a teardrop.

I happen to like working here.

Oh, it's a good thing.

Then congratulations.

Should we get a cake, or
should we all just leave early?

Dr. Becker doesn't
like celebrations,

and I'd rather you not even
bring it up in front of him.

I'm not gonna have to.

No one could be
insensitive enough

to forget something like this.

Morning, John.



Yeah, yeah.

Gee, he hardly said anything.

That's kind of a gift, isn't it?

Oh, Margaret, I almost forgot,

uh, I finished those
Medicare forms last night.

Come on back and
get 'em, will you?

Medicare forms...
What a crappy cover-up.

I bet that's just a trick to
get you to go back there

so he can surprise
you with a gift.

What do you think it is?

Medicare forms.

Nothing special is
happening today.

Well, he has to do something.

- I'm gonna go talk to him.
- No!

If I've learned one
thing in ten years,

it's that John Becker
is not a gift giver.

Let it go.

Fine.

But I find it insulting
that after all these years,

he couldn't give you
so much as a lousy pen.

Here. Happy anniversary.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Besides, it's no big deal.

I mean, he didn't exactly
throw a party when I started.

There's no reason for
me to expect one now.

Look, you idiot, I'm not
going to stay on hold forever.

I'm a very busy man.

There's absolutely no
way I'm going to spend...

Yes, I'll hold.

Are you the doctor?

You scared the hell out of me.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm here about the
ad for the nurse's job.

What...? Oh, the ad.
Uh, there is no job.

Oh, I don't believe it.

It took me two hours to
get here all for nothing.

Yeah, well, life is a
series of disappointments

ending in one really big one.

Look, I have been pounding
the pavement all morning.

My feet are killing me.

Do you mind if I
just rest for a minute?

Actually, I'm really b...

Help yourself.
Yes, I'm still here!

What... is this what you do?

Get on the line
every five minutes

just to make sure
I'm still on hold?

Yes, I'll hold.

Are you always this angry?

What? I'm not angry.
I'm just pissed off.

So, um... is she experienced?

- Who?
- The nurse you hired.

Yeah, I-I didn't hire a
nurse. You weren't listening.

There is no job, all right?

Ah.

Would you like a drink?

No, I can't.

Alcoholic?

No. Job hunting.

Oh, well, when I was unemployed,
all I wanted to do was drink.

Hey, finally, yes.

Look, this is John Becker
over on Kaden Avenue.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, uh, you know
the Rhodes Scholars

who moved me in
here the other day?

Well, have them drag their
knuckles back over here.

I'm moving out.

Yes, first thing in the morning.

Thank you.

I have a question.

If you just got here,
why are you leaving?

You know, I got
a better question.

There is no job. Why
aren't you leaving?

Have you seen
my cup? It's a little...

What am I asking you for?

Uh... are you... are
you just gonna sit here?

If it's okay with you.

Oh.

Okay, so you came
here looking for a job,

he's drinking, your
feet are killing you

'cause of the ugly shoes.

I never told you
my shoes were ugly.

Oh, I just assumed.

Anyway, there I was

sitting in his office
feeling foolish

wondering why I didn't
just get up and leave.

Excuse me. The phone's ringing.

Are you gonna get that?

Doctor's office... I think.

Ah, yes, he's around
here somewhere, but...

Excuse me?

No, no, no, no, no.
Maybe you should tell him.

Okay, I'll tell him.

Uh, excuse me.

You just got a message.

Hey, you know,
I'm not even open.

I don't need anyone
to answer the phones.

Yes, I know, but you...

Well, what's so hard
to understand here?

You know, I thought
I wanted a nurse,

I put an ad in the paper,

and then I changed
my mind, all right?

Look, I'm just trying
to tell you that...

Hey, yeah... what are
you doing, writing a book?

Look, I was living in
Boston, working in research,

but it just wasn't
doing it for me,

and plus, I had a little
trouble with my marriage.

So I thought by coming down here

and taking over this practice
it might give me a fresh start.

Then I realized I
made a huge mistake.

Now, if it's all right with you,

I'm going to go
back up to Boston

and try to save my marriage.

Yeah, but that's kind of
what I'm trying to tell you.

Your wife called.

Sandra called?

Yes.

She said don't come back.

She wants a divorce.

Oh.

Say when.

- Hey, Jake.
- Hmm?

I was cleaning out the
kitchen, and I found all this stuff.

I figure it's Reggie's.

You think she'd want it?

Well, it depends. What is it?

Well, there's a food dehydrator.

Ah, right. The jerky bar.

What?

Yeah, she was going to add

a selection of dried
meats to the menu.

- Nobody else had it.
- So what happened?

Nobody else wanted it.

There are also
some of her books.

Let's see... Looking
for Mr. Right...

Who needs Mr. Right?

Alone Doesn't Mean Lonely.

God, Reggie was pathetic.

Let me see Alone
Doesn't Mean Lonely.

So what else did you find, huh?

A ski boot, Huey Lewis cassette,

a little electric keyboard...

Whoa, whoa, wait a
minute, wait a minute,

small one about this big?

- Yeah.
- That's my keyboard.

Reggie said it was
stolen. You know what?

She must have found it
and forgot to tell me about it.

- Here, let me have it.
- Here.

Hey, that's the song
from my cell phone,

ring number four.

It's Beethoven.

No, Motorola.

Jake, you're very
good. I'm impressed.

Actually, I was just faking it.

It's already programmed in.

Just like the rest of
these cool sound effects.

Check it out.

Ah, that's really cool.

Well, I'd better go
put this stuff away.

Boy, that brings back memories.

Sophomore year,
couldn't get a student loan.

Ha! Never mind.

There you are.

Franklin, what are
you doing here?

I mean, uh, you're
my favorite tenant.

I was just about to, uh...

Get off your ass
and fix my sink?

I've been after
you for six weeks.

The drain is clogged.

I'm washing dishes
in my bathtub.

Well, I, for one,
applaud your ingenuity.

I'm getting a little
pissed off here.

You're pissed off? I'm furious!

I've been working like hell
to get that part you need.

Tell him, Jake.

Oh, he's working it all right.

- I just want it done.
- Whoa, whoa.

You want it done?

I want it done.

But those jerks down
at the sink... parts store

keep telling me your
sink part is coming in,

but it never does.

I don't care what
you have to do.

Fix my sink, or the next
thing it'll be stuffed with is you.

I love this thing.

Damn, how did this happen?

The diner's my hideout

from those
pain-in-the-ass tenants.

Somebody in the building

must have told them I
hang out here, but who?

- Me.
- You?

Yeah. Poor guy's got no water.

I saw him in the lobby.
He told me he called you,

knocked on your door, paged you.

Of course he paged
me. They all page me.

Well, didn't you answer him?

I don't have a pager!

That's my system.

I'm the invisible man.

When the tenants can't
find me, it buys me time

so they fix it themselves
or forget about it.

- Or die.
- A regrettable option, but yes.

Here's a thought: Why
don't you do the job

you were hired to
do and fix his sink?

Here's a thought:
I don't know how!

Bob, it's not that tough.

You get a pipe wrench,
loosen the coupling,

snake out the trap and then
replace the rubber gasket.

You have no idea
how hot that sounds.

- Bob...
- No, no.

Suddenly I'm getting
an image of you

with a tool belt under
Franklin's sink and...

Bob, I'm not doing
your job for you.

Fine, fine. I'll do it myself.

Now that the tenants
know where to find me,

I guess I don't
have much choice.

Damn it. I had it so good.

They find out I don't know
what the hell I'm doing,

I could lose the best
job I've never done.

Margaret, I can't believe
he's not doing anything.

This is your
ten-year anniversary.

God only knows how
often that happens.

So I go to park the car, right?

And the damn meter
eats my quarter.

I try to call the
city to report it,

and I can't find a pay phone.

So I go back to move my car,

I got a $55 ticket
for an expired meter.

Why didn't you just
use your cell phone?

Because it's not a weekend,

and I don't have any
free Tuesday minutes.

Dr. Becker, do you
know what today is?

Yeah, the day I was
dreading yesterday.

Linda...

I got any messages?

Uh, no, you don't...

but I do.

My friend Annie
called to apologize

for an argument we had.

Her message said,
"Annie-very-sorry."

So?

I was just glad she apologized.

You might say that I was
happy Annie-very-sorry.

Linda...

What the hell is
she talking about?

I have no idea.

Think about it.

Annie... very...

Yeah, you know what, Linda?

For every hundred
lives a doctor saves,

he gets to take one.

I have 99 saves.

What is wrong with you?

I asked you to
just leave it alone.

I can't! It's not right!

I mean, if he's not
going to buy you a gift

or take you to lunch, the
least he could do is say,

"Happy Annie-very-sorry."

I can't believe
you're still here.

I can't believe
you're still here.

There-there is no job.

Why don't you just go?

You went to Harvard?
Wow, that's a great school.

Yes, it is.

In fact, that's
where I met my wife,

who just told me
she's leaving me

for the guy who details her car.

So much for education.

Look, drinking that
entire bottle of Scotch

- is not going to solve your problems.
- I know that.

That's why I have
another bottle in my office.

Now, why don't you just
take your coat and your paper

and your feisty
little can-do attitude

and just go.

Since I'm not going
to see you again,

let-let me tell you
something else:

Those shoes are not
the least bit flattering.

So he threw you
out of the office?

Yes, he did.

Well, where'd you
wind up working?

Oh, right, sorry. I got
caught up in the story.

So what happened?

He ran out, caught you and
begged you to come back?

Sort of.

Oh, God.

What?

I thought about it,
and I decided I'm hired.

You can't just hire yourself.

Well, nobody else around
here has sense enough to do it.

Look...

I'm a nurse, and I need a job.

You're a doctor,

and you need to
be doing something

to take your mind off the fact

that you are about to go through
a painful and messy divorce.

And you think you're the
answer to my problem?

That's the way I see it.

Wrong.

This is.

Look, I'm gonna go drink.

If you're here
in a little while,

maybe I'll chase
you around the desk.

You better hope
you don't catch me.

No, wait, wait!

You're a doctor!

You have a God-given
talent to heal people,

and it would be
a sin to waste it.

Hey, Chris.

I wanted to say thanks.

I took your advice,
and I went up

to Franklin's apartment
and fixed his sink.

At first, I didn't know
what I was doing,

but, you know, I took my
time and I figured it out.

Thanks, Jake.

- I'm proud of you, Bob.
- Yeah, me, too.

Suddenly, I got,
like, this warm feeling,

like joy or confidence.

Almost as if I have
a right to be alive.

- There you are!
- Hey, Franklin,

you didn't need to come all the
way over here just to thank me.

Thank you? My
bathroom and bedroom

- are completely flooded.
- What?

Yeah, the pipe
you fixed exploded.

You have no idea how angry I am.

You're angry? I'm furious!

Hey, don't start that
crap with me again.

The water got into my
closet. Everything is ruined.

Jake, give it a rest, all right?

Yeah, really, enough.

What are you going
to do about it, Bob?

All right, I'm not going
to make any excuses.

I'm gonna be completely
up front with you.

This is her fault.

How is this my fault?

Just take the hit. I'll
make it up to you later.

My apartment has
three inches of water.

There's rice growing
in my living room.

BOB and CHRIS: Jake!

All right, look,
Franklin, you win.

I'll do my job.

I'll mop up the water.

But all my stuff is ruined.

Well, make a list of
everything that got damaged,

and I'll get the
building to pay for it.

And-and don't forget
your wife's stuff, too.

I noticed all those fancy
dresses and high heels

in your closet
when I was up there.

Hey, I-I didn't know
you were married.

Wait a minute. That's right.

You're not married.

Whose clothes are those?

I, uh...

Well, they're not mine.

Besides, what are you
doing snooping in my closet?

I don't think that's the
most interesting question

on the table. Do you?

You know what?

Let's just forget
the whole thing.

Stop it, already!

Hmm.

Franklin wears women's clothes,

so now I don't
have to fix his sink.

Come to think of it,

I know lots of stuff about
people in that building.

Who's stealing cable,
who's sleeping with who,

who's growing dope
on their fire escape.

I'll never have to do
an honest day's work

for the rest of my life.

So what are you going to do,
Bob, blackmail your tenants?

What about pride?
What about that feeling

that you have the
right to be alive?

Screw pride! This is power!

And don't you ask
me to fix anything,

or I might tell people
what I know about you.

Oh, you don't know
anything about me.

Are you sure?

What the hell is that
supposed to mean?

That's all I had left.

What was that for?

Because you're so pathetic.

You're standing here alone
in your coat and those shoes,

ready to walk out of
here only to turn around

and come back in tomorrow
beginning another ten years

working for the most
ungrateful man in the world.

Well, good night.

Happy anniversary.

What the hell did you do?

I didn't ask you to do this.

Well, I had to get the
office ready for business.

I set up the filing system.

I put a few chairs over there.

I even put a sign out front.

Yeah, I don't care if you put in
a steam room and a gift shop.

We're not open for business.

And I figure we'll
open around 9:00.

I'll get here around 8:30,
make a fresh pot of coffee,

which, given the way you
drink, I figure you might need.

What I need is for you to leave

so I can go back to my...
What was it you called it?

Oh, yeah, my sorry-ass,

broken-marriage
cliché of a life.

I didn't say all that.

You were thinking it.

Excuse me.

Can you help me?

Oh, great. You
didn't lock the door.

Are you okay?

I cut my head. I think
I might need stitches.

What happened?

I went outside to
take a bike ride,

but I forgot my helmet,
so I yell up to my roommate

on the third floor
to throw it down.

He did, and, well, it
hit me right in the head.

My helmet hurt my head.

That's pretty ironic, huh?

What are you, a moron?

Haven't you heard of gravity?

Why didn't you just have
him drop a brick on your head?

This is a doctor's
office, right?

I don't know. Is this
a doctor's office?

All right, fine.

I-I'll... I'll take care of him.

- Should he be drinking?
- Hey, hey...

J-Just go on back
there, right around the...

Uh, first room around the
corner, exam room one.

Exam room one?

It was the first
room. I took a shot.

Do you talk to all
your patients like that?

I've been in research.

I haven't had any
patients, just rats.

Well, in the future, leave
customer relations to me,

and I'll leave the
doctoring to you.

Yeah, look, there is no future.

I'm treating this
one guy, and that's it.

And the diploma goes in my-my
office, not the waiting room.

By the way, it's Margaret.

Huh?

My name. It's Margaret.

Whatever.

Margaret, could
you come in here?

Oh, God, every
day, the same thing.

Waits till I'm almost
out of the door.

What is it? I was
just about to leave.

Yeah, well, I'm done with
these. You need to refile them.

Fine.

Oh, one more
thing before you go.

You thought I
forgot, didn't you?

I'd have put money on it.

Sit down.

Look...

I know most people would
make a big thing out of this,

but that's not me.

- Uh, it's just another day.
- I know.

I don't like speeches or toasts.

- I know.
- Or special occasions.

- I know.
- All right, all right.

If you insist, fine.

Look...

You know I couldn't
have done this without you.

And, well...

I know it, too.

Thank you, Margaret.

- Thank you, John.
- Yeah.

Huh... what the hell.

Mmm.

Well, I'll never
forget that first day.

I'm so glad I talked
you into working here.

Ten years... That's
the longest relationship

I've ever had with any woman.

It probably helped that I
got to go home every day.

Yeah.

Probably.

I suppose you're gonna
want me to give you a raise.

Oh, no, that won't be necessary.

- Really?
- I gave myself one.

H-How much?

Well, more than
you would give me,

but less than I deserve.

No, really. How much?