Becker (1998–2004): Season 4, Episode 3 - Jake's Jaunt - full transcript

Reggie?

Come on, reg.

( knocking continues )

Reg!

All right, already,
I'm coming.

Whoa, geez.

Whoa, in the morning,
not so hotso.

Boy.

No kidding, reg.

Give me a break.

I'm running late.



You live upstairs.

What is it,
like, a 20-foot commute?

Come on, I need coffee.

I need coffee.

And a shower.

( clattering )

( grunts )

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.
Hi.
Hi.

Bob:
So, uh...

Who did what
this weekend?

Jake, you first.

Uh, guys, this
is amanda.



I met her at a wedding
in jersey this weekend.

Wow.

Usually they just let you
take home a centerpiece.

She gave me a ride
home and she wanted
to see where I worked,

And, well, what can I say,
she got a little excited.

By what, your extensive
gum selection?

By everything.

( moaning )

Oh, please.

You know, I'd say,
"get a room," but
I think we're in it.

Reggie:
Oh, wait a minute.

Did you guys have sex
in here?

You just got that?

That's disgusting!

Hey, don't complain.

Your diner finally has
a satisfied customer.

Well, sorry.

You know how people
get carried away

When they're,
uh, newlyweds.

Newlyweds?

Yeah, we got married.
Yep, we got married.

What?

Married?

You heard us--
we're married.

Oh, my god,
I don't know what to say.

Uh... Well,
congratulations.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah, congratulations, jake.

You got married?

Oh, yeah, it was just sort of
this spontaneous thing.

We were both
in the wedding party

And we were paired up
to walk down the aisle together.

Yeah, and the minute
she took my arm,

There was this connection,
and it was amazing.

No, w-w-wait a minute,
wait a minute.

You got married?

So, after the
ceremony, you know,

We talked and
danced all night.

Next thing I know, it's
4:00 in the morning,

I'm in her car,
driving, all right,

Amanda's through the
sunroof, with her
top off, screaming!

( both laughing )

You were driving?

You were topless?

You got married?

So, Sunday morning,
we got a minister

And, well, the
rest is history.

Mm.

Driving?

Topless?

Married?

Uh, you know,
we should probably go

Because we have
a million things to do.

Yeah, listen, guys,

We're having a party
tomorrow night to celebrate,

And we really want
you to be there.

Okay, yeah,
we'll be there.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.

Bye.

( chuckling )

Can you believe it?
Jake's married.

I just wish
we could've been there

To see the wedding.

If we'd gotten here
five minutes earlier,

We could've seen
the honeymoon.

Well, it's official--

Love's not only blind,
it's deaf and dumb.

You're terrible.

Reggie already called me
and told me everything.

I think it's great

That jake got married.

Yeah, why would you take
a beautiful tradition

Like nailing a bridesmaid
at a wedding and ruin it?

I think it's romantic.

Romantic?

They drove in from jersey

And they did it
on the floor of a diner.

The last time louis and I were
on the floor,

We were looking for the remote.

I mean, what was he thinking?

You know,
marriage isn't supposed to come

At the beginning
of a new relationship.

It's supposed to be
a last-ditch effort

To save a dying
relationship.

For god's sake, he doesn't
even know the woman.

I almost married
a guy I didn't know.

Really? Who was he?

I just told you--
I didn't know.

Actually,
the story isn't

That interesting.

I was in turkey,
there was a poker game,

It was holy week--

Well, you know the drill.

Anyway... Um...

We're all going in
on the gift.

Oh, oh, great.

Now I'm being blackmailed
into getting a gift.

Oh, right, blackmail--

That's the part of the story
I forgot.

I mean, margaret,
the marriage is a joke.

We can't be expected
to get a gift.

We're not expected
to get a gift, john.

We-we want to give a gift.

It's our way of sharing our joy.

Yeah, well,
I can't spare any joy.

I'm running on
fumes as it is.

Hey, guys.

Looks like you
got yourself

A small fracture...
Ricky.

What happened?

Well, he was moving
some boxes.

We got this
new shipment.

Imported merchandise.
Great stuff.

Yeah, great stuff--
you know, watches...
Rings...

Bracelets...
Necklaces...

I got it.

And we got some great
ricard-vanoux clocks.

Never heard of them.

You got to be kidding.
He's got to be kidding.

No kidding, these things
retail for at least 300 bucks.

Yeah, but we'll
cut you a deal.

Oh, yeah?
So, they're stolen?

He didn't say that.
I didn't say that.

So, they're real?

He didn't say that.

They're reproductions.

You know... Vanoux-esque.

Yeah, yeah,
let me ask you something.

Would something like that
make a good wedding gift?

Well, when you care enough
to almost make it look like

You've sent the very best.
Ah.

How much?

We were going to sell them
for $50.

But for you, $35.

$30.

Done.

$20.

Whoa, you just agreed
on $30.

I didn't agree.

You said, "$30."
I said, "done."

I wasn't done.

Trust me...

You're done.
You're done.

Coffee, reg.

Oh, good. I'm glad you're here.

We need to talk
about jake's gift.

It's 50 bucks a person.

Not for this person.

You're not getting
them a gift?

I swear, becker, you're
not only the least
romantic man I've ever met,

But you're the cheapest.

Really?

Would you call... This cheap?

Oh, my god, becker,
it's a ricard-vanoux.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I always wanted one.

Well, I'll tell you what.

When you get married,

If time is still measured
on a clock, I'll get you one.

Oh, please, like you
won't be dead by then.

Oh, come on,
by then we'll all be dead.

Why'd you get them
a present anyway?

I thought you said their
marriage was a joke.

Well, it is a joke,

But jake's my best friend

And, well,
margaret guilted me into it.

What are you getting them?

You'll see. Bob should
be here any minute.

You let bob pick out your gift?

He's not picking it out;
he's picking it up.

Oh, my god,
what did I do?

Greetings, all!

Bob, why aren't you carrying

Two crystal champagne flutes

With a matching
ice bucket?

Done to death.

Change of plans.

What did you do?

I bought them the one gift
that every newlywed wants

More than anything else
in the world.

That's right,
you guessed it, beef.

Beef?

Yeah, think about it, reg.

Not everybody drinks champagne,
but everybody loves beef.

Not vegetarians.

You know what?

You didn't chip in,
so you don't get to talk, okay?

Anyway, this isn't
just any beef.

This is montana beef--

So fresh, they kill it
in the truck

On the way to your house.

Bob, you're taking it back.

Nobody wants meat
for their wedding.

How do you know?
You've never been married.

Well, by the time I get married,
you'll be dead.

Reg...

Oh, shut up.

Hey, everybody.

Hope you all can make it
to the party tonight.

Yeah, yeah,
I'll see you tonight.

I got to go call montana

And get them
to turn a truck around.

Did we invite him?

Doesn't matter.
He'll show up anyway.

So, what time
you want us there tonight?

Oh, yeah, the party
kicks off about 7:30.

Oh, actually, it's 8:00.

Well, 7:30,
8:00, whatever.

No, not "whatever."

8:00.

Did we or did we not agree
on 8:00?

Well, I-I told them 7:30,
figuring they'd be
a half hour late.

This way, they'll
be on time.

I have an idea.

Why don't you tell them 8:00
and have them show up at 8:00?

Jake:
You know what, don't
take it out on me

Just because none of
your friends want to come.

My friends
don't live here, jake!

And besides,
they have real jobs.

They can't just drop things
on a moment's notice.

You know, making wind
chimes out of soup
cans is hardly a job!

Oh, but selling combs
and candy is?!

Hey-hey, don't
you yell at me!

Don't you yell at me!

Well, how else am I supposed
to get anything

Through that thick skull
of yours?!

Oh, oh, oh,
so now I'm stupid?

You know what? You
just drive me crazy.

You drive me crazy!

Oh, I'm sorry, baby.

No, baby, I'm sorry.
No, I'm-I'm sorry.

Oh, great, now we're all sorry.

Jake, let's go home.

That's exactly
what I was thinking.

What the hell was that?

The shortest production

Of virginia woolf
I've ever seen.

( jazz music playing )

Okay, can I have your
attention, please?

A bunch of us
down at the diner

Chipped in for
a wedding gift.

Well, except for becker,
who, as we all know,
is a cheap bastard.

Hear, hear.

Hey, that was
not the toast.

So, if you'd all step
over to the window,

Bob will show you what,
in his humble opinion,

Is a pretty amazing gift.

Bob, what's going on?

I thought you were supposed
to get champagne flutes.

That's what I
kicked in for.

Change of plan, girls.
Go with it.

Come on, jake, you're not even
looking out the window.

What difference does it make?

What are we supposed
to be looking at?

You just look out
there, you'll see it.

That party over there
that's better than this one?

No. Look up.

You see the
big dipper?

Others:
No.

Well, if you could,
you'd look 18 stars over

And see the newest star
in the galaxy.

It's inspired by the love
of jake and amanda

And it's called "ja-manda."

You are so dead.

And you're
in big trouble.

Wow, guys, that is
an amazing gift.

Thank you, everybody.

And so original.

I mean, most gifts
are so stupid.

Like, who needs another blender
or champagne flute.

Yes, we thought it would be
the perfect gift.

( laughing )

We did?

The train's leaving;
I'm getting on it.

Yeah, well, I got something
for you, too,

And it's something
you can actually see, hold

And know for sure exists.

Yeah, that's for you.

Huh?

Oh, my gosh!

It's a clock, jake,
a ricard-vanoux.

This is so beautiful.

Wow, j-john, for a normal person
this is a generous gift,

But for you, it's...
It's a miracle.

You know, I know
just where to put it.

Over here on the credenza.
Oh, no, no, no, honey.

I think it would look much
better over here on the table.

Yeah, but you know, I
want to put it over here.

This is the perfect
place for it.

Trust me,
it's better on the table.

Oh, what, because
I'm blind,

You think I don't
know what looks good?

No, I think I have
better taste.

Oh, so, now I
have bad taste?

From the looks of this place,
you've always had bad taste!

Well, maybe I do!
I married you, didn't I?!

Fine! Fine, why don't you
take back your stupid ring

And your stupid friends
and their stupid gifts?!

( crashing )

Amanda! Amanda!

Don't you yell at me!

Amanda:
Don't you yell at me!

Jake:
I mean, what
is your problem

Starting a fight...

You know, I just
love giving gifts.

It's how we
share our joy.

Well, say
what you want,

But they'll always
have ja-manda.

Amanda:
Listen close, so you can hear me
walking out the door!

Jake:
Well, great!
Here's 20 bucks for cab fare!

Amanda:
Keep it! I don't want
to take all your money!

Jake:
Don't you ever get tired
of embarrassing yourself?

Amanda:
I guess not. I
hooked up with you.

This is awkward.

Well, I think that party's
still going on

Across the street.

Jake:
I'm sorry.

Amanda:
Oh, come here.

( moaning ):
Oh, jake.

I don't think
they're fighting anymore.

Amanda:
Oh, jake!

This is
even more awkward.

Amanda ( moaning ):
Oh... Oh, jake.

Jake ( moaning ):
Oh, amanda.

Oh, crab puffs!

( amanda and jake
moaning erotically )

Amanda:
Oh... Oh...

Oh, jake!

( moaning stops )

Oh, thank god.

( moaning begins )

I'm telling you,
I think we should leave.

No, that would
be rude!

As opposed to what
they're doing in there?

Yeah, I feel dirty.

Really? How dirty?

Come on, let's leave.

John, sorry about your clock.

Hey, I did my part.

Lunatics want to smash
my wedding present,
that's their problem.

Well, they can
get it fixed.

All they have to do
is take it back

To the store
where you bought it.

Yeah, whatever.

Ooh, yeah, store.

Uh... You know what?

Maybe I should take it back
for them and, uh...

Get it fixed, you know?

Look, before we leave,
I got to get my coat.

You didn't have a coat.

All right, all right,
I'm coming!

Margaret,
look over there.

He is so hot.

Which one?

The hot one.

Hey, fellas, come on back.

Hello.
Hello.

Hi.

Now do you know
which one I'm talking about?

No.

'cause I live here
on planet earth.

Thanks for coming in...
Ricky.

Is everything okay
with my x-rays?

Oh, no, oh,
everything's fine.

No, no, no,
I just, uh...

I need another one
of those clocks, you know?

My friend broke it,

And I told him
I'd "take it back to the store"

And, you know, "fix it."

You can't take it
back to the store.
There is no store.

You got it
from our van.
Yeah, our van.

I know that. I know that.

That's why I need another one.

Well, we don't have
any more.

Well, can't you go back
to your supplier?

( both laughing )

You hear that?
I heard that.

Yeah, no.

Our supplier's
out of town.

For the next three
to five years.

Wh-what are you telling me,

That I'm going to have to go
to a real store

And buy a real clock?
'cause I can't afford that.

You can take another look
in the van.

We got lots
of other stuff.

Good stuff.
Great stuff.

How about
a george foreman grill?
150 bucks.

I thought those were, like, 30.

Yeah, but this
is really george
foreman's grill.

Look, I went online
to the star store

And I bought them
a star.

Are you calling me a liar?

I mean, I would never
lie to you, reg.

What do I have to do
to make you believe me?

Show me a receipt.

Okay, look,
on my way to get them a gift,

I happened to pass by otb,

And there was a horse running
called "wedding cake."

I mean, can you believe it?

I mean,
it was hundred-to-one shot.

What are the chances?

A hundred-to-one?

I don't know, maybe.

Anyway, the horse broke his leg
in the first furlong

And they took it out back
and shot it.

Long story short,
he didn't finish.

I want my 50 bucks back.

Okay, look, jake and amanda
think they have a star,

And margaret and linda
think they got it for them.

Let's keep this
between us.

Bob, you're despicable.

You're totally dishonest,
you take our money

And then you
lie about it.

Make it a hundred,
we'll call it even.
Deal.

Hey, doc,
what's in the bag?

The big dipper;
you want to buy it?

See that? Don't touch it.

As a matter of fact,
don't even look at it.

I don't want
to take any chances.

I'll be damned if I'm going
to spend another 300 bucks.

You spent $300
getting that clock fixed?

No, I... No, I meant, you know

The original $300 that I spent,
you know, at the-the store...

Where I bought it,
you know, originally.

Hey, guys.

Oh, good.
Yeah, you're here.

Here's your stupid clock,
all right?

Congratulations.

I don't know
if "congratulations"

Is the right word.

Amanda and I
just got an annulment.

An annulment?!

Oh, I'm sorry. What happened?

Well, we both realized
that marriage is a big step

And that we rushed into it.

Yeah, you sure
as hell did.

You know, not to
mention the fact

That you two were
terrible together.

I mean, come on,
let's face it:

This is not a
girl you marry,

It's just some easy girl
you pick up at a wedding,

Sleep with and dump
the next day.

Believe me, you did
the right thing.

I mean, she's insane!

You just, you
just got yourself

A free pass out of
crazytown, my friend.

What I was going to say

Is that amanda and I
are staying together.

( weakly ):
Oh...

Because we happen to still
love each other very much.

We're just not going
to be married.

Hey, man, I-I'm so...

Hey, haven't you said enough?

Real nice, becker.

Every single day,
you tell me to shut my mouth.

Today, when I needed you
the most,

Where the hell were you?

Let me ask you
something:

You know, when two
people get married

And you give them a
very expensive clock,

Then they get
unmarried,

Doesn't that clock
revert back to you?

I mean, isn't
that the law?

What is wrong with you?

Jake is going through
a very difficult time right now,

And all you care about
is that stupid clock.

It happens to be...

Look, jake is not only
your best friend,

He may be
your only friend.

Oh, please. Come on.

W-what about...?

Or, uh... Or, uh...

Boy, I better
go talk to him.

( knocking )

Hi.

Oh. Hi.

Look...

I know.

I mean it.

Me, too.

So, we okay?

Yeah. We're cool.

Hey, you know,
had to be said.

( chuckles ):
Yeah.

Uh, actually, you know,
I better take off.

I'll see you tomorrow,
my friend.

You know what, john?

There's
something else.

You know about
that clock?

What clock?

You know the clock
you gave us for
our wedding?

I wouldn't feel
right keeping it,

And I want you
to have it.

Oh. Oh, no, no, no.

That-that wouldn't be right.
Y-you keep it.

It'll just be a reminder
of a big mistake.

Well, that's what marriages
are all about.

You keep it.

You want this clock,
don't you?

Very much.
Mm-hmm.

I'm sorry, man.
( laughs )

Oh, hi.

Oh, hey.

Hi, baby.
Hi.

You know what,
I'm going to take off, jake.

I'll see you later.

Why is he taking
our clock?

Well, technically,
we're not married anymore, so...

So he came back to
reclaim his wedding gift?

Boy, that bob guy
was right.

He really is
a cheap bastard.

I'm standing right here.

You know what,
john is my friend.

Don't insult him
like that, all right?

Don't you have
any tact?

I say what I feel,

And if you can't deal with that,
maybe that's your problem.

You know what, john was
right: You are crazy.

I must be crazy
to get involved with you!

Hey, you want
to leave, leave!!

Fine! Just give me
five minutes to pack
and I'm out of here!

Hell, you know
where the door is!

You'll never
see me again!

I never saw you
in the first place!

Oh, honey,
I'm sorry.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm...

( moaning erotically )

Wait, now, wait...
A second.

Could I... Could I
at least get the...?

Amanda:
Oh, baby,
I'm sorry.

Jake:
No, I'm sorry, babe.

Oh, for...

I'm a bad man.

You've been bad.

I'm so bad.
Bad, bad!

They're not married,
and I'm out 300 bucks.

Oh...
Right there?

You know, the hell I am.

( amanda screams )

It's all right, it's all right,
I'm a doctor.