Becker (1998–2004): Season 4, Episode 4 - Dog Days - full transcript

Oh, I really
want to see

This new julia
roberts movie.

Oh, bob would love
to see that movie.

Great! Then
you go see it,

Let me know how it is,
and if it's worth it,

I'll find someone
to go with.

So, you wouldn't...?

Not ever.
Just checking.

Uh, excuse me.

I-I'm sorry to bother you all,
but, uh...

I was just robbed.



Don't look at me.

I mean, if you
are looking at me.

No, I... I was on the subway.

Okay, then.

I-I was... I was coming uptown
on the nine train,

And it was crowded,

And when I got off,
I-I realized

That my wallet was gone.

The nine train?
I hate the nine train.

Although, if you take it
down to 42nd street,

There's a guy there
who does the mambo

With a life-size
rag doll.

The guy?
Not so good.

But the doll?
Very talented.



Man:
See, the thing is, though,

I-I need to get
back to new jersey.

It's-it's my son's birthday,

And if I don't hurry, I'm going
to miss the last train,

So I was wondering
if I could...

Well, if I could borrow
just like eight bucks.

I understand.

Here's ten.
Keep it.

Thanks, but I insist--
I'm definitely paying you back.

Oh, hey, hey, hey.

Come on, give it back.

Give back the money.

What are you doing?
Becker?

Did the guy just tell you

That-that he got
robbed on a train,

He has to get
back to jersey

For his kid's
birthday?

That's exactly what he said.
How did you know?

Because I saw him
pull the same stunt

A couple of days ago.

You're lying,
and I'm giving you money?

What, are we dating?

I-I think he's got me confused
with somebody else.

No, no, no, no, no.

I was at a diner
down the street...

Hey!

No, it was a...

Newsstand around
the corner and...

Hey!

The guy's a con artist.

He makes his living

Scamming suckers
like you.

Hey!

I give up.
I give up.

Honestly, I... I don't know
what he's talking about.

Why would you lie
about being robbed?

Why would you lie
about living in jersey?

The guy's a hustler.

He just needs money
for booze or drugs

Or, you know,
whatever else he's...

Strung out on.

All right, I-I lied to you.

Ah, thank you.

But, hey, I...

I'm no junkie,
all right?

The truth is,
I got laid off from my job,

Got evicted
from my apartment,

And my son and I
have been living

Out of my pontiac sunbird.

Sunbird, huh?

Sweet.

Look, I-I lied
because I need money for food

To feed my kid.

There.

You happy now?

Yeah, you happy now,
becker?

Here you go.

Thank you.

Yeah, you know what?

You take care.

All right, here's a little
something from me, too.

Thank you.
I... I'd better get back.

You all are very generous.

You all are very gullible.

I mean, the guy's just trying

To get a little something
for nothing.

Becker, you didn't pay
for your coffee.

I'll catch you later.

You know, guy like that
really makes you think.

Yeah.
Yeah.

I mean, in ten minutes,

He made like 22 bucks, tax free.

That's a $132 per hour.

Eight hours a day,
that's $5,280 per week.

Minus two weeks vacation,
that makes it $264k per year.

I mean, you add
five percent interest,

If he puts it in
a no-load mutual fund,

That brings it
to $396,000 a year!

Guy could be living
in a beemer, easy.

Come on, please!

Don't take away our cable!

Please don't cut us off.

I need it.

My husband
needs it.

I promise,
I'll get you the money.

Oh!

Margaret, it's okay.

Admitting that you have a
problem is the first step.

What we've got to do now
is get you into rehab.

I was talking
to the cable company.

Okay, have it your way.

How many "cables" do you
need to get through a day?

Cable television, linda.

I'm having trouble
paying the bill.

I'm having trouble
paying all of my bills.

With-with louis out of work,
things are getting tight.

I didn't know he
was out of work.

I thought he was just
taking some time off

To find himself.

Yeah, he's found himself--

On the couch, all day,
drinking slurpees.

Oh, I love slurpees.

You know what's really great?

When they haven't cleaned
the machine for a while

So there's, like, a
mystery flavor mixed in.

And you know what else?

Could I leave early?

No. I'm leaving early.

I have an interview
for a part-time job

As a home care nurse.

And I have an appointment
for a french pedicure.

So what do you want
to do, flip a coin?

I want to warn you guys
about something.

There's a con artist
going around the neighborhood

Telling some sob story
about being robbed.

Don't buy it.

He's just trying to score
a quick buck.

(phone ringing)

I hate that.

People should work
for their money.

(phone continues ringing)

I mean, do they expect
to get paid for doing nothing?

Nobody seems

To do their job anymore.

Linda...
Linda...

Oh, right.

Hold on.

Because, in this life,

If you want something,
you have to get it yourself.

Which reminds me,
I'm going for slurpees.

Anybody?

Ah, damn,
I forgot my sunglasses.

I always wondered, why do you
wear those things, anyway?

Well, same reason
as everyone else:

To look cool.

So why the two
different shoes?

Damn.

Becker:
Oh, you'll never guess
who just popped out

Of the liquor store.

Okay, you know what?
Enough with the euphemism.

If my fly's open,
just tell me.

No, no, no, no, the guy
from the diner this morning

Who was asking
for the money.
Oh.

Hey, buddy,
what you got?

A couple of cold ones
there for the kid?

Man, you again?

No, I wasn't buying beer.

See, look, uh, razors,
uh, toothpaste, soap.

You like to check my pockets?

Is that where you
keep your kid?

Come on, john,
cut him some slack.

Ah, it's
all right.

My son happens to be
around the corner in our buick.

I thought you said
it was a pontiac.

Yeah, what, do you
live in the pontiac,

Summer in the buick?

All right, I lied.

(laughs)
man, you are incredible.

Hey, look, uh,
the truth is...

Oh, the truth.

Here we go.

My son...

He doesn't live with me.

He lives with my ex-wife
in chicago.

I-I did have a job, all right?

But I got fired when I got sick,
so... So there.

Are you happy now?

So now you're sick.

Fine. I'll play.

What do you have?

Aortic stenosis.

(chuckling):
Nice try.

This guy's a doctor,
all right?

If you're going
to try and scam him,

You have to come up
with something

That at least
sounds real.

No, that's real, jake.

Well, it still
doesn't sound right.

Well, let... Let's just see.

When was your last
echocardiogram?

Two years ago.

What was
your valvular gradient?

32.

That's high.

Are you on medication?

I can't afford it anymore.

So, did I pass
your little test?

Is this guy for real?

He might just be.

Look, you need
medical attention.

If you don't have treatment,
you could have heart failure.

I know.

Uh, why don't you come
by my office in the morning?

I'll take some blood,
run some tests

And get you back
on medication.

And...

Don't worry about the cost.

I'll... I'll take care of it.

All right.
Hang on a second.

Oh, what, you've got
to check your date book?

No, no.

I got to sneeze.

(sneezes)

Thanks.

I should tell you,
wally is quite old,

And in addition
to his insulin shots

For the diabetes,

He requires constant attention
and care,

Though he's still often
quite playful.

Playful?

Oh, yes.

And fair warning,
he may want to sit in your lap

From time to time.

Will he tell me
before he does that?

(laughing):
Oh, no.

That's not wally.

That's my father.

86 years old and still clinging
desperately to life.

Ever so desperately.

Well, who-who...?

Wally!

(barks)

Uh, excuse me, but I thought
I was caring for... A person.

Believe me,
wally's much better company...

And he has fresher breath.

Now, why don't
you tell us a bit

About your nursing experience?

Uh, well,

I-I-I graduated
from nyu nursing school

And, uh, then I interned
at the o.R.

At mt. Sinai.

After that... I, uh...

(clears throat)

I-I did private duty

For five years

And, uh, I've been...

For the last seven years,

I've been working
for a general practitioner.

Well, I suppose
you're qualified.

To take care of a dog?

I would think so.

Of course,
the final decision is wally's.

Mrs. Mcguiness...

What do you say, wally?

(barking)

Uh...

He likes you!

Yes, well, could you ask him
to like me a little less?

These are new slacks.

Wally!

Enough.

Who's a good boy?

Uh, mrs. Mcguiness...

Wally...

I-I-I really don't think
that I am right for this job.

Perhaps a, uh,
veterinarian

Or a, uh, dog walker.

Pays $600 a week.

Who's a good boy?!

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Really?

Excuse me.

Uh, ma'am, it's kind of
an emergency I'm having.

In a minute.

The doctor asked me to leave
a urine sample before,

But I didn't
have to go.

Now I do... Badly.

So, if I could,
I should... Soon.

In a minute, okay?

So, let me get
this straight.

It's called "saltwater taffy,"
yet it's sweet?

Weird.

Okay, in a minute, I'll just
be able to hand you my pants.

Kim...

Kim, I'll call you back.

Here.

Oh, I'm surprised
you showed up.

I'm surprised you're
really a doctor.

I thought your job was to
make my life miserable.

No, that's just my hobby.
Come on.

So, what's new?

I started my job last night.

Really? How was it?

It was fine.

Linda, did you
happen to notice

Anything different
about me...

Like the dog?

I try not to comment
on your clothes

Ever since last year's
christmas sweater.

He's not a part of my outfit.

This is who I'm taking care of.

He's my patient.

You work for him?

That means a dog is your boss.

Wow!

His day nurse didn't show up, so
I had to bring him in with me.

Becker:
Margaret, can I
see you for a minute?

Coming.

Just get started
on these charts.

Gee, you don't have to bark
at me, margaret.

Oh, get it? "bark."

Yes?

Yeah, margaret, I'm going
to give this guy a physical,

Run some blood tests
and get him an echocardiogram,

But I don't want to have him
charged for any of this.

Aren't you going to ask me
about the dog around my neck?

No, no, I learned my lesson
with that christmas sweater.

Margaret, can I scratch
your boss's tummy?

John, linda wants
to see you.

Okay, margaret, I've got your
order, but I just don't get it.

Six sausages and
some newspaper.

Why?

Do I dress so badly

That no one notices
I'm wearing a dog?

Well, you know, ever
since last year...

I know, I know,
the christmas sweater.

Actually, I
was thinking

Of the pantsuit
with the circles.

Get out.

The dog goes really
nice with your eyes.

Out!

Blind guy here.

Blind guy.

Never seen springtime.

Blind guy.

Ooh! A five.

That's very
generous.

Thank you very much.

Okay. Plan b.

Deaf guy.

Deaf guy here.

Music is just a word.

Deaf guy.

Bob, you ought to be
ashamed of yourself.

There are people out here
with real disabilities.

Yeah? Tell me
about it, margaret.

There's a guy around the corner
with no legs kicking my ass.

(wally barks)

Look, margaret...

I-I know you don't like
when I call them puppies,

But one of them things
just barked.

Bob, why don't you beg
for something you really need,

Like a little dignity?

(wally barking)

All right, I heard you
the first time.

We're going.

Louis, there's no reason
for you to be jealous.

Wally is a dog.

If I was going
to cheat on you,

I would have taken
your brother up

On his offer last
thanksgiving.

Yes, your brother.

I almost took
him up on it.

Okay, wally, let's see
what you're having.

Mmm, braised carrots.

Oh, those little potatoes
with the red skin.

And, ooh, filet mignon.

Oh.

The hell you are.

Ooh.

(whimpers)

Mmm.

(clears throat)

Uh-oh.

This is very
disappointing, margaret.

Oh, it's just
that it looked so good.

I'm sorry.

You don't need to
apologize to me.

You need to
apologize to wally.

(cackles)

Yeah, right.

He's waiting.

You expect me to apologize
to a dog?

You seem to be forgetting
who works for whom.

I will not humiliate myself
by apologizing to some animal.

What is wrong with you people?

Filet mignon?

Wally has
a very discriminating palate.

Have you ever seen him say hello
to another dog?

He's still waiting for
you to say you're sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I ever stepped foot
into this nuthouse.

I quit.

I am done being
nursemaid to a dog.

You can't speak to me
or to wally like that.

Elizabeth, shut up.

I'd like
to apologize

For my daughter's behavior.

She's an insensitive,
unhappy woman

Who can't find anyone
to love her but that dog.

(whimpers)

Margaret...

If you stay, I'll pay you
$700 a week to look after me.

$700?

Mm-hmm.

Thank you.

Oh, I think I'd like that.

Now you'll really see
who's a good boy.

Mmm, thanks for breakfast.
It's delicious.

It's today's special.

Yeah, by "special,"
she means she made it today.

That's what I told them.

I got to hand it
to you, marty.

I don't know how you survive out
there on the streets like that.

Yeah, that's right, bob.
What are you doing here?

You gave up panhandling?
Absolutely.

Not working is the hardest work
I've ever done.

Bob's decided to leave begging
where it belongs--

In the bedroom.

Boy, you got some nerve
showing up here.

Excuse me?

I just ran all your tests.

You don't have aortic stenosis.

Matter of fact, you don't have
a damn thing wrong with you.

Well, that-that's a relief.

I-I thought I might be
lactose-intolerant.

Now, don't be such a smart-ass.
You lied to me.

But you knew everything
about that disease.

My mother had it.

Then why'd you go
through with the exam?

It was a free physical.

Besides,
I thought it might

Give this guy something better
to do

Than follow me around bitching.

Wait a minute.

I got hit in the head
with a lit cigarette

And you scored a free physical?

You magnificent jobless bastard,
I salute you.

Becker:
You know something?

I-I don't like
being made a fool of.

Neither do my friends.

What do you want me to say?

You want me to say thanks
for the physical?

O-okay, okay, thanks.

Are you proud of yourself
going through life like this?

Yeah, scamming people?
Playing on their sympathies?

Why didn't you just
tell the truth?

Because people don't want
to hear the truth.

They want a story.

They want to feel

Like they're helping a guy
who... Who got robbed

Or... Or who has
a fatal illness.

It... It makes them feel good
about themselves

Just like it made you feel good
about yourself

Giving me that physical.

No, no, don't
turn this on me.

I tried to help you.

Admit it.

Would you have helped me
if I had just asked you?

You want the truth?

I mean, do you...
You really want the truth?

I'm just
a homeless bum, okay?

I can't put
my life together.

I don't have a kid.
I don't have a wife.

I don't have any friends.

I got nothing, all right?

There.

You happy now?

Was that so hard?

It was humiliating.

Wait.

Here.

I hope that helps.

(whispers):
Oh, thank you.

Look, I... I just want
you all to know,

For what it's worth--
thank you--

The... The money you've
given me is for food and...

And a warm place to sleep.

Thank you.

And I promise, I'll...
I'll pay you...

And you know what?

Just thanks.

Thank you very much.

All right, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

There.

Thank you.

(whistling):
Taxi!

Belmont racetrack,
and step on it!

There.

Are you happy now?

On top of everything else,

That poor guy
has a gambling problem.

Oh...