Becker (1998–2004): Season 4, Episode 2 - Breakfast of Chumpions - full transcript

You're not going
to believe this.

I'm coming out of my apartment
this morning--

For the third time this week,

Some jackass has double-parked
right in front of my car!

I keep trying to get
the cops to do something,

But apparently I have to clip
an old lady in a crosswalk

To get anyone to pay
any attention to me.

I mean, can you believe that?

What did I tell you

About chewing gum
in the office?

What?



It's not professional.

I don't let linda
do it,

So you shouldn't
do it either.

Come on, out with it.

Margaret, I...
Ah-ah-ah-ah!

I need...

Ah-ah-ah-ah!

Margaret, that's
nicotine gum.

I'm trying
to quit smoking.

You know, if I don't
have that stuff,

It's gonna be cold turkey,
like last time.

Oh, please, god, chew.

Excuse me.

Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie.
John, this little girl



Is selling tickets
to raise money

For st. Steven's
youth group.

Oh, good for you,
good for you.

Who's up?

The tickets are
for our pancake breakfast

That helps the st. Steven's
youth group

Pay for a trip
to washington, d.C.

Gosh, well, I'm all in favor

Of sending children
as far away as possible,

But, uh, I'm a little busy
right now,

So why don't you
come back later,

Like when you're all grown up
and I'm dead.

You're being rude.

"st. Steven's
youth group

"gives young boys
and girls at risk

"a sense
of moral responsibility.

"in our own way, we are trying
to build a better world

"and a brighter tomorrow.

Won't you contribute today,
please?"

No.

John, how can you say no
to that face?

The trick is not to look
directly at her.

Oh, come on, marg...

All right, how much?

A booklet of tickets
is only $20.

So, how many booklets would you
like to buy today, sir?

How many?

Oh, yeah, nice try, slick.

I'll take one booklet

And only one.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Oh, gee, I feel bad.

I only bought one ticket
for one dollar.

You could buy just one?

( laughing )

Linda, you're late.
I know.

I've been outside
racking my brain,

Trying to figure a way
to bring up my vacation days.

Vacation days?

Well, since you
brought it up...

No, look, please,
please, please.

Can't we just talk
about this some other time,

Like when you're all grown up
and I'm dead?

Mrs. Snyder, you're up.

Anyways, I've got two
vacation days coming.

I'd like to roll
those over

Along with any personal days
and sick days

And take next summer off.

Are you talking about days
when you're really sick

Or days when you just say
you're sick?

Both.

You've got two
vacation days coming

That you either have to use
by the end of the month

Or you lose them.

Wow, I never thought
I could lose a vacation.

Although I once lost

The month of November.

Course, I didn't really lose it.

I bought a calendar
that was missing November.

But the christmas dinner
I cooked

Fell right on thanksgiving,

So it was okay.
Of course, I was

All by myself on new year's eve
in times square,

But the ball was just...

Linda, I am growing old here.

Are you going to take
the vacation days or not?

Any chance I could have a couple
days off to think about it?

Oy!

Well, the trucks are out there
again this morning.

My car is still blocked in.

And when I call to complain
to the cops,

Do I get a real policeman?

No, no, no.

I get the answering
machine, which cuts me off

After the first
15 minutes.

You know, becker,
I can solve this for you.

Park your car on another street.

Oh, you know, I'd love to,

But as I may have mentioned,
I can't move my car!

Uh, john, did you
just get a cigarette?

I thought you quit smoking.

Oh.

That's right, I did.

Becker, if you quit smoking,

Why do you even keep
the cigarettes in there?

They're in there
for the next time he quits.

Hey, screw you.

As a matter of fact,
I think I found

A way out of this
cycle of dependency:

Nicotine gum.

Oh, yeah, there it is.

( sighs )

Hello, my old friend.

So, you want something to eat?

No, thank you. I'm-- ooh.

I'm, uh, on my way
to a breakfast, a charity thing.

So you didn't come here
to smoke

And you didn't come
in here to eat.

What are you doing here?

I have no idea.

Well, there's another bad habit
I'm gonna have to break.

See you, guys.

Excuse me.

Hi.

Uh, I'd like to make
a reservation

For tomorrow at 1:00.

( laughing ) ( laughing
)

That shouldn't be a problem,
mister...?

Hutchinson. Clark hutchinson.

Reg, you sure you don't
want to double-check

Your reservation book?

( laughing )
( laughing )

Oh, jake, you've got something
stuck in your teeth.

Oh, really?

Mm.

Never mind them.

It's just, most people
don't make reservations.

Oh, sorry. It's just sort
of a special occasion.

You see, my wife and I met here

Exactly three years ago
tomorrow.

Really?
Yeah.

I mean, we sort of think
of this place as "our place."

If this is your place,
what's your song?

"the wreck
of the edmund fitzgerald"?

Clark:
I'll never forget that day.

I was miserable,
it was raining out,

I'd just lost my job,
my car had been repossessed...

Yep, this would be
the next stop.

Clark:
So I ducked in here

To get some coffee,

And the most amazing-looking
woman came over to my table.

You're so sweet.

Oh, not you, though.

I meant my wife claire.

Oh.

Ow.

( laughing )

Jake, your teeth.
It's still there.

Ah, damn.

Anyway, I fell in love
on the spot... With claire.

How nice for you.
Yeah.

There's more.

Uh, right over there,
I bought a newspaper

That had an ad for a job
with an internet company.

Long story short, now I own it.

I tell you,

This is the luckiest diner
in the world.

See you tomorrow.

You realize what just
happened here, don't you?

Three years ago, that guy
came in with all his bad luck

And left it here.

Then he took all my good luck,

Walked out the door
with that bitch claire.

No wonder my life is crap.

So, what are you saying?
That you were born

With only so much good luck
and that guy stole it?

Do you have a better
explanation?

No, no. Makes sense to me.

Damn right it does.

For three years, I've had
nothing but bad luck.

Okay, how about now, reg?
Still there?

Yes, jake,
it's stuck forever.

Just like me.

Okay, bob, do I
have something

In my teeth or not?

Jake, you never had
anything in your teeth.

She was just
jerking you around.

Might want to check
your nose, though.

Hi. I'm mrs. Howarth.
Can I help you?

Yeah, I'm here for the
pancake breakfast.

Oh, great. Grab an apron
and a spatula, 'cause we...

No, no, no, no, no.
I'm here to eat.

Oh. Well, there must have been
some misunderstanding.

The breakfast is
for the children.

I know, I know.
To send them all
away somewhere.

But, uh, where do
you want me to sit?

I'm sorry,
perhaps I'm being unclear.

Although everyone donates
for the breakfast,

The meal itself

Clearly...

Is only for the children to eat.

Yeah, look, I bought
a book of tickets

For a pancake breakfast.

I'm at the
pancake breakfast.

All I want--

And this may come
as no surprise to you--

Are said pancakes.

Don't you feel you might be
a little uncomfortable?

Lady, you don't know me.
I'll be fine.

Well, sir, it's just that...

Look, you know something?

When I bought
these tickets,

Nobody told me it was
for kids. Ask her.

As a matter of fact,

That's the girl
who sold them to me.

Hi, dr. Becker.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's sweet, isn't she?

Yeah, she looks sweet.

Well, I suppose
that we could make

Some room for you
at one of the tables.

Good. Where do you
want me to sit?

Uh, sir? Gum?

Oh.

You snooze, you lose, kid.

Excuse me, boys and girls.

Okay, now that we've
all cleaned our plates,

It's time to find out
who the lucky winner is

Of this year's door prize,
a beautiful new bicycle!

Kids:
Whoa!

Now, in just a moment,

We want you all to
check the bottoms
of your plates,

And whoever finds
a happy face sticker there

Will win the bicycle.

Okay, on the count of three.
Ready?

One...

Ho! Got it right here!

Hey, margaret.

Linda, isn't this
the first day of your vacation?

Uh-huh.

So, what are
you doing here?

I was in the neighborhood,

Thought I'd drop by and see
how you were doing.

So, how you doing?

Fine.

( phone ringing )

Oh, I'll get that.

Doctor's office.
Can I help you?

Sure, I'll check on that
and get right back to you.

I got to be honest, linda.

This is the last place
I would expect to see you

On your day off.

Think about it, margaret.

If you're here working,
where else could you see me?

Morning, margaret.

Oh, hey, did I get a call
from the police

About that parking problem
on my block?

'cause it's still going on.

No, no calls.
Oh.

Uh, what are you
doing with that?

Oh, oh.

I went to the pancake breakfast
this morning.

John, that was supposed
to be for the...

Oh, don't-don't you start, too.

Look, if they didn't
want adults there,

They should've put that
on the ticket.

Fine, but that still
doesn't explain

What you're doing with
a little kid's bike.

Oh, it's not a little kid's
bike, this is my bike.

I won it fair
and square, too.

I had the little
happy face sticker

On the bottom of the plate.

I tell you
something, margaret,

First time in my life,
I'm a winner.

Yeah, nothing screams winner

Like a six-foot man
on a two-foot bike.

Just please tell me
you're not going to
actually keep it.

No, no, of course
I'm not going to keep it.

I'm going to sell it.

Hey, willy wonka,

Back off,
that's mine!

Reggie:
Ow!

I just cut my hand
on the damn can opener.

You realize whose fault
this is, don't you?

Well, I know better than
to suggest it was yours.

Damn right it wasn't mine.

It's mr. Perfect's fault.

He took all my good luck.

You know, reg, you're
obsessing about this.

I bet his "beautiful wife"
is the size of a building

With a face
like a horse.

Why would a building have
a face like a horse?

Two separate
things, bob.

Huge like a building,
ugly like a horse.

"luckiest diner in the world."

Yeah, if you're ever
lucky enough to leave it.

Bob loves big girls.

Hey, jake, I'm going
to get some more
nicotine gum.

Hey, there's only one pack.

Where's the rest?

You bought the rest.

Hey, don't screw around with me.

I have cravings,
I need satisfaction.

Far east massage,
two blocks over.

Ask for number three.

She's a big girl.

Come on, jake.

How's one pack supposed to
get me through the night?

One pack is supposed
to get you though the week.

Reggie:
You realize you're
just trading

One addiction for another?

It's not an addiction.

I just think they're cuddly.

I am not trading
addictions, reg.

This is nicotine.

It's the exact
same addiction.

Truth is

I'm-I'm happy I stopped smoking.

I mean, I feel better
and my clothes don't stink.

And, you know, let's face it,
it's a pretty disgusting habit.

See you, guys.

They make me sick.

Bob, what's the wife
look like?

Jake, I don't know
where to start.

I mean, face
like an angel,

Incredible body,
full pouty lips.

Another 60 pounds and bob
could really go for her.

You know, I'll just bet
mr. Clark hutchinson

Isn't half as rich
as he pretends to be.

Bob saw his watch.

It's like a fake
rolex, but real.

S-so what?

You know how these
rich guys are.

All they really care
about is business.

I bet you he doesn't
even really love her.

Bob:
What a kiss!

I mean, have you
ever seen anything
that romantic?

That's my kiss.

Bob:
He just gave her

The most amazing
bracelet I've ever seen!

That's my bracelet!

So she's beautiful.
So they're rich.

You know what,
there's more to life than that.

Hey, everybody,
we're having a baby!

That's my baby!

That's it, get out!

What?

You heard me, out!

But we haven't
had anything...

Haven't you taken enough
from me?!

If I could...

Go on!

Go!

You know,
it occurs to me

That you just sent the luckiest
guy in the world out of here.

Now, wouldn't it have been
smarter to keep him around here

So some of his good luck
could rub off on us?

Oh, please.

Everyone knows luck doesn't
go in that direction.

Yeah, jake, what
were you thinking?

Reggie:
Who am I kidding? As long
as I'm stuck in this place,

I'm never gonna have
a chance for anything better.

Excuse me,
could I get some change?

Sure.
What do you want, quarters?

Actually,
that's a 50.

Oh, right.

You know, when
I was modeling,

I used to meet guys
all the time.

I think I have this version
on cassette.

Mm-hmm.

Boy, these muffins
look great.

Did you make them yourself?

Huh? Uh, no, they come
three to a can.

You know, between
work and school,

When am I supposed
to have time for a life?

I just don't get how
other people do it.

So, what time do you
close up around here?

7:00. It's on the door.

I mean, it's
just hopeless.

I'm gonna be stuck
in this stupid diner

For the rest
of my life.

You know, I'm kind
of new around here.

I just moved my company
from toronto.

Sure could use someone
to show me around.

Chamber of commerce,
three blocks that way.

Anyway...

Well, okay then,
thanks for the change.

Whatever.

Uh, reg, you realize what just
happened here, right?

Yeah, reg, I think you
kind of blew it.

Oh, my god, you're right.

I could've sold
that guy a muffin.

Good morning, margaret.

Appointments for today

Are all confirmed,
files are on the desk.

I picked up doughnuts
on the way in

And there's fresh coffee.

All right, I'm confused.

You spent all day
here yesterday,

And now you're
here again today.

Are you working
or are you on vacation?

Vacation.

Did you ever think about
just staying on vacation?

Why don't we talk about that
when I get back.

Morning.

Morning, dr. Becker.

Wait a minute,
what are you
doing here?

She's on vacation.

I'm confused.

Yes, thank you!

Linda:
Uh, dr. Becker,

A detective cross
from the 44th precinct called.

He wants you to go down and
talk to him after work today.

Oh, fantastic! The police are
finally going to do something

About the parking problem
on my street.

See, margaret, it
does pay to complain.

It does pay to be
a pain in the ass.

Then why aren't you
a millionaire?

Yeah, come in.

Detective cross.

John becker.

Boy, I can't tell
you how happy I am

We're going to finally fix this
parking problem on my street.

Actually, this isn't
about parking.

This is about an incident

That took place last night
in your neighborhood

That we believe
concerns you.

Really?
Yeah.

Apparently, someone left
a crime scene

After damaging a car.

Well, you know
something,

Come to think of it,
I think I did notice

An extra ding on
my car this morning.

Good work.

This isn't about
your car, dr. Becker.

This is about a car that was
parked outside

An all-night convenience store
last night

Over on kaden avenue.

You wouldn't know anything

About that, would you?

Me?

No, no, I was
home all night.

Uh, there's no
way I could've...

Oh, well, wait a sec.

Are-are you suggesting
I had something
to do with that?

Because that's absurd.

Look, I am, I am a
respected member
of this community.

I mean, you can ask,
you can ask...

What's that?

Surveillance tape from
the store parking lot.

Really?

You know, actually,
come to think of it,

You know, I did pop out
for a moment last night.

Yes, I did.
I, uh...

I had to go get
some nicotine gum.

Boy, I tell you, this stuff
really reduces the old craving.

I'm proud to say
that I've managed to stay

Clean and smoke-free
for almost three whole days now.

Do you smoke, detective?
Do-do you smoke?

Well, at least we know
you're being completely honest.

( guilty laughter )

How can you tell
that's even me?

You're wearing
the exact same raincoat

You're wearing right now.

That doesn't
prove anything.

I wear this coat every day.

You see there
by the car, dr. Becker?

Do you recognize
that little kid's bike?

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I did not steal that,
if that's what
you're implying.

You know, I won that
bike fair and square
at the pancake breakfast.

I had that little yellow
sticker on the bottom...

I-I had to ride that bike
to the store last night,

Because some idiot
double-parked in front of

My car so I
couldn't get out.

Which you people don't seem
to give a rat's ass about!

I'll tell you something, I did
not, I don't care what you say,

I did not damage anybody's car.

You know, it's customary
to leave a note

When you scratch
an unattended car.

Come to think of it,
it's the law.

Oh, come on, I fell.

I mean, clearly I didn't know
I scratched the car, I mean...

Well, that was sort of nice
of me, don't you think?

Now, look at you throwing
your cigarette down there.

That kind of looks like
littering to me.

Gee, I'm looking
real hard here, dr. Becker,

And I don't see you wearing
a helmet, either.

So let's review, shall we?

So far, we've got you

For leaving the scene
of an accident,

Littering,
and not wearing a helmet.

Yeah, I am appalled,
absolutely appalled!

I mean, big new york city
police department.

You put all your
resources together

And y-you caught
the big criminal mastermind!

I mean, what else
have you got on me?

Video footage of me at home
in my underwear

Ripping the tag off my mattress?

I mean, is this
why I pay my taxes?!

So you techno-wizards can get
your little spy cameras

And your magnifying glasses
and track down a litterbug?

Oh, come on, please!

You know what else pisses
me off about you fellows...

Before you finish,

You might want
to watch this.

What?

What am I looking at?

What?

Never mind.