Becker (1998–2004): Season 4, Episode 21 - Parannoyed - full transcript

Okay, reg, here's
what I need you to do.

I need you to help me separate
these tax receipts

Into two piles:
Business and personal.

Okay.

Here's one-- $79,
victoria's secret.

Was that a gift

Or a little something
for yourself?

Actually, it was a gift,
but, uh,

I was trying to get
a little something for myself.

Yeah, I bought it
for nikki.

Man, she used
to do this thing, right...



Yeah, yeah, relive
it on your own time.

So what do I
put it under?

Put it under things he doesn't
want his girlfriend to see.

You know, nikki
and I were together

Way before I met amanda.

But why don't I hold
onto it just to be safe?

Hi.

I, uh, was wondering
if you could help me.

Oh, please
be talking to me.

I'll just have
a coffee, please.

And, oh, would you have
ten dollars in quarters?

Coffee and change.

Yeah, I'm sitting
on a gold mine.

Here you go.



Is that for the meter?

No, pay phone.

I just moved
to the city

And my phone's
not turned on.

Then your phone
must be gay.

Yeah, you want me
to introduce you?

Never mind him, he's...

Well, we're not sure what he is,
but he's harmless.

Thanks.

Well, better start job hunting.

Do you mind if I hang out here
for a day or two?

Sure, that's fine.

Wait, you can find
a job in a day?

Doesn't usually take me
that long,

But I like to take time,
consider my options.

Oh, I'd kill to have options.

So I'll be in the phone booth
if you need me.

Oh, and that's an expression,
not an invitation.

Wow.

Notice how
she singled me out, huh?

Bob, if you ever get
your head started,

Do me a favor and
drive it out of here.

So last night I go down
to the laundry room

To get my clothes
out of the dryer

And I find them dumped on top
of the machine, soaking wet.

Maybe it was a mistake.

No, no, no, no, this was
a premeditated act of revenge

By one of the morons
in my building.

Oh, no, you're fighting
with your neighbors again?

Why don't you just
try talking to them?

I did, but every time I tell
them to shut the hell up,

They yell right back,
and that's just rude.

So this time I put a note
in the lobby.

Yeah, then they put up
a petition

To have you kicked
out of the building.

Or was it the neighborhood?

I don't know, I really didn't
read it, I just signed it.

Yeah, three times.

Whoever messed
with my clothes

Has no idea who
they're screwing with.

Becker, it's just laundry.

No, it's not.

Laundry is just one
battleground in the war

Between the forces
of good and evil.

You know, if we're going
to live together,

We need to have rules,
and not just in the building

But in the neighborhood,
you know, in the city,

In the country, and yes,
you know, in the world.

(others hum "america")
I'm not just fighting
this fight for myself.

You know, I'm fighting it for--
to protect our very way of life.

When the stakes are that high,

They have no idea
how petty I can be.

Oh, shut up, will you?

Listen to this, margaret.

I'm on my way back

From giving mr. Hoffman
his insulin shots

And I stop by
my apartment.

My mailbox has
been broken into.

All my mail
has been stolen.

I mean, first my laundry
and now this.

Somebody is definitely
out to get me.

But I think I know who it is.

Please, don't keep me
in suspense.

It's that bald
bastard grenquist

Who lives next
door to me.

I mean, laundry's
one thing,

But th-this is tampering
with the mail.

That's a crime
against the government.

Fine, I'll call the feds.

Meanwhile,
mrs. Rowland is in one

With back pain.

Linda is in there,
taking her history again

Because "somehow" she managed
to lose mrs. Rowland's file.

I wouldn't be too
hard on margaret

For losing your file.

In fact,

She's so embarrassed,
I wouldn't even mention it.

So let's see,
name, address...

Okay, age?

I'm 44.

No way.
You look amazing.

I'm putting 37.

I really have no problem
with my age.

In fact, I have a daughter
who just started college

At syracuse.

Grade-a party school.

That's what I'm afraid of.

I mean, the stories you hear:
Sex, drugs, drinking.

Yeah, I know.

I mean, yeah, I know.

I hope she can resist
the pressures.

She's really very shy
and inexperienced.

She's still a virgin.

No way.

You got a picture
of her?

Sure, I do.

Sorry, but this
kid's no virgin.

You don't even know her.

It's just a guess
based on her hairstyle,

Her clothes, the
guy she's with,

And the bong
she's holding.

She told me about that.

It was for a science project.

And you believed her.

That's so sweet.

Sorry to keep you
waiting, mrs. Rowland.

Science project--
no way.

Thirty-seven?

No way.

Okay, here's one
for a hotel

In atlantic city
for $275.

Hmm, rebecca.

She's a nurse.

For that kind of money,
I hope she made you feel better.

Actually, she didn't.

We got into a fight,
and she went home.

Too bad I can't
write that off.

She's a nurse
who didn't sleep with you?

Put it under "unreimbursed
medical expenses."

I could do that?

Oh, sure, you'd be surprised

What you can blow past
those idiots at the irs.

How do you know?

I used to be one.

Y-you really worked
for the irs?

We all work
for the irs.

True, true, but I really did.

I was secretary to an auditor.

It was right before
I went into the army.

The army?

You ever kill a guy?

Once.

For sitting too close.

How did you end up
in the army?

Oh, god, let's see, uh...

Dropped out of college, irs,

Then I decided
I wanted to see the world.

Recruiter said I could get
stationed in europe.

Closest I got to europe was

My c.O. Trying
to french-kiss me.

Woman wouldn't take no
for an answer.

Then did you move here?

Oh, no, no.

After I got out,
I just started traveling around.

Was a barmaid in london,

Tour guide in rome,

Taught english in japan,

Uh, even did six months
on the alaskan pipeline.

Oh, that's like all guys, right?

Yeah, but every guy
you never wanted to date

All in one place.

So you've been
around the world

And had all those jobs.

Bob's a super who's
hardly been off the block.

Imagine what our kids
would be like.

Yeah, they could unstuff
a toilet in five languages.

Yeah, you're really sweet,

But I just got into town.

I'm really not ready
to start dating,

So maybe some other time.

(phone ringing)
oh, excuse me.

It could be about a job.

Wow, she's so nice.

Bob, she blew you off.

Yeah, she was
just letting you down easy.
That's what I mean.

Usually I just get a kick
in the groin

And a face full of pepper spray.

Not that I'm
complaining,

But you've been
blissfully quiet today.

(grunts)

Is the war over
with your neighbors?

Oh, yeah,
I took care of that.

Yeah, you would
have been proud of me, too.

I handled it peacefully
and without incident.

Becker, you left your knife
in my door.

"without incident"?

I left him a note;
I was out of tape.

Hey, what are, what are
you doing here, grenquist?

I want all this
to stop.

I did not touch
your clothes

Or steal your mail.

In fact, the night
your laundry was

"violated with
extreme prejudice,"

I was not even home.

I was in brooklyn spending
the night at my mother's.

Ooh, there's a shocker.

Trust me, when
I get you back,

I'll be a lot
more clever.

Says you.

Then again, I might not have
to be that clever.

Obviously mr. Grenquist
didn't do it.

So what do you have to say
for yourself now?

One down, 23 to go.

Someone is out to get me,
margaret.

Somewhere in that building

There's a complete nut
or lunatic.

John, you forgot
your knife.

Huh? Oh.

Hi, margaret.

Is linda working today?

I never know
quite how to answer that.

Hi, mrs. Rowland.

Oh, linda.

I found my daughter's diary

Under a floorboard
in her closet.

Ooh, good spot.

You were right about everything.

Come on back, we'll talk.

Rachel smokes and drinks.

She's been having sex
since she was 16.

I can't believe
she's been lying to me

All this time.

Now, now,
let's explore this.

How did it make you feel?

I don't know, betrayed.

I've lived my whole life
for rachel.

I've been there for her
at every turn.

Maybe you were there too much.

I'm sorry?

Oh, uh, nothing.

Forget it.

Go ahead.

I didn't want her to make the
same mistakes that I made.

Maybe she needed to make
her own mistakes.

Excuse me?

Nothing.

All I know is,

I did everything
I could to protect her.

Maybe she didn't want
to be protected.

Maybe she wanted to be
her own person.

Maybe, just once, she wanted
to go to the school dance

Without you following
behind her in the car

Because you didn't trust her.

Margaret?

Would you like to talk
about that?

Yes.

Wow, bob, you're
actually working, huh?

Huh? Oh, you mean
the plunger?

No, no, I just
carry it around.

That way when people ask me
to do something,

I just tell them I'm
in the middle of something else.

Yeah, well, come on in here,
I want to talk to you.

Look, becker,
I'm in the middle of something.

Hey, shut up.

Look...

What?

Turns out, grenquist
might not be the one

Who's behind all this.

I need your help
to help me find out who it is.

Are you still on this?
God, you're so paranoid.

Who said that about me, who?
No, tell me.

Would you relax?

Stop it, will you, please?
Have a beer.

And I'll have one, too.

Oh, you will, will you?
Well, you know,

As long as you're offering.

Oh, god, aah!

What?

Roaches,
hundreds of them.

So what's the big deal?

The big deal is
I hate roaches.

Really, what is it--
the legs, the eyes,

The sound they make when
they crunch under your feet?

Will you stop it?
I'm not kidding you.

I hate roaches.

Hey, w-wait a second.

Those weren't in there

When I left this morning.

That means
somebody put them there.

Yeah, god put 'em there.

It's new york;
he put them everywhere.

All right, relax, calm down.

You got any bug spray?

Yeah, under the sink.

Whoa!

You thought you had a lot
in your refrigerator.

Th-th-there are more in there?

Easy, mary.

You got a vacuum?

Yes, in the bedroom.

Fine, I'm gonna go get it,
I'll suck them up.

You know, you're unbelievable,
you're such a nut.

A few bugs show up

And suddenly everyone's
out to get you.

I don't know what you did
or who you did it to,

But they're really pissed.

W-w-where you go...?

Don't, don't go, don't...

Got an interview
with that clothing store.

I thought they said you didn't
have enough experience.

I convinced 'em they were wrong.

You're amazing.

How do you have
so much confidence?

Ah, you just got
to believe in yourself.

Yeah, there's always a catch.

Listen to this.

Last night someone dumped
an army of roaches

In my apartment,
so I retaliated.

This morning I stole
their newspapers.

Yeah, now who's crazy, huh?

You?

How did you know
whose paper to take?

I didn't,
so I took them all.

See, that's the genius part,
you know.

Sooner or later, they're going
to turn on each other

And rat out the guilty party.

Divide and conquer.

Goes all the way back
to machiavelli.

Actually, it wasn't machiavelli.

It's a quote attributed
to julius caesar

In reference to the gallic wars.

Did someone just turn on
the history channel?

John, this is chris.

She just moved
to the city.

Sorry to butt in.

It was none of my business.

You're right.

Another possibility here.

It might not be just one person
in the building.

It might be all of them.

You know, like in
that raymond chandler novel

Where they all stabbed that guy
on the train.

Once again, uh,
none of my business,

But, uh,
it wasn't raymond chandler.

It was agatha christie.

Murder on the orient express.

You know what
I'm missing here?

The part where anyone
asked your opinion.

Sorry, sorry,
I do that all the time.

But just to be clear,

It wasn't an opinion,
it was a fact.

Uh, chris, you might
not want to...

Yeah, but he was wrong.

He doesn't care
if he's wrong.

I am not wrong.

People in my building
are out to get me.

Look, I know it's
none of my business...

You know, I'm beginning
to think you don't know that.

All I'm saying is, maybe you
should try another approach.

For instance, I once
lived in a building

Where I had
horrible neighbors.

I mean, they were
really awful.

You know what I did?

Baked some cookies, went
door to door handing them out,

And by the end of the day--
building full of friends.

I think I'm gonna puke.

Look, sunshine, before
you start spouting homilies

About, you know, how you
should turn the other cheek,

Let me explain something.

Around here, you turn
the other cheek,

You get hit in
the other cheek.

I'm guessing
he's been hit a lot.

Not as often
as you'd think.

Though he was shot once.

All I meant was, there's enough
conflict in the world.

Why make more?

Yeah, I don't
make conflict.

Yet you're always
around when it happens.

Sorry, I-I just try
to see the good in people.

Doesn't always work.

Hey, you know, just 'cause

You're having
a good day

Doesn't mean you can
take it out on me.

I don't feel comfortable
with this.

It's just a little role-playing.

Try it.

Oh, all right.

Mom...

...Why did you have
to be so hard on me?

(mouthing)

Because... You...

Remind me so much of
myself when I was young.

It's okay, margaret.

Just go with it.

Okay, okay.

I just wanted
to make you happy.

I just want what's best for you.

I love you.

I love you, too, mom.

(margaret sobbing)

I don't know
what the hell I'm doing,

But I think
we just had a breakthrough.

Oh, geez.

This is worse
than the roaches.

Okay, becker,
I bug-bombed your place,

But you're not going to want
to go in there for a while.

Oh, roaches.

Ah, what's the big deal?

What, you don't have roaches
in here, do you?

(stamps foot)

No, of course not.

Look, I checked out everybody
in the building,

And it seems there are
a few more suspects.

Oh, good, who?

Well, you got mr. Franklin,
who you reamed out

For putting his garbage
by the incinerator.

Oh, yeah.
Uh, mr. Colouris,

Who you bitched out
for playing his music too loud.
Oh, that's not music.

That's a goat sexually
molesting some kind of banjo.

Yeah.

Then there's old mrs. Battaglia.

Now, I don't know
what you did to her,

But she's a got a room
with a pentagram,

A bunch of candles,
and a ken doll

In a crappy
raincoat.

She's got one of those, too?
Mm-hmm.

All right, look, I'll see
what else I can find out

At the tenants' meeting tonight.

First Monday of every
month, they get together

To bitch about things
in the building.

You never told me about that.

That's 'cause they
mostly bitch about you.

Oh, and look,

You left your watch
in my bathroom.

And, look, I'm thinking about
making a lasagna tonight.

I hope that'll
be okay.

Oh, yeah, that'd be very nice.
Great.

You're staying with bob?

Is there anything
you want to talk to me about?

I told you, my apartment
is filled with roaches.

Oh, roaches.

Oh, bob.

All right, all right.

All right, let's do this.

Let's do this.

Okay, who's got old business?

Okay, who's got
new business?

Every time a
toilet flushes,

The water turns
off in my shower.

Yeah, you said that

At the last meeting,
which makes it old business,

And we're way past that now.

(grumbling)

All right, all right.

I'll look into it. Next.

(grumbling)

Next.

There's pigeon poop all
over the fire escapes.

I have no jurisdiction
over the pigeons.

Well, then, take
down the fire escapes

So they'll go
somewhere else.

Yeah, yeah, can I pick
who doesn't get a fire escape?

Oh, real nice.

Hey, which one of you cretins
screwed with my laundry,

Stole my mail,
and then

Filled my apartment
with roaches?

(laughter)
yeah, you go ahead
and laugh,

But I know it's one
of you people behind all this.

What is your problem, becker?
I'm not the problem,
it's you people.

Grenquist:
Oh, is that why you took
my paper this morning?

I did not!

Liar! I saw you!
Yeah, just for that,

You're not getting
your paper back.

Bob:
All right,
hold on, hold on.

Chris:
Pardon me, excuse me.

Excuse me, excuse me.

A note to have
you removed...

That's not necessary.
Hey, you, excuse me.

What are you doing here?

I live here.

What are you doing here?

I live in 3-b.

I live in 4-b.

4-b? What happened to
wrinkles and the hump?

You mean
my grandparents?

Sorry, I'm not
good with names.

They moved to florida,
I'm using their apartment.

Are you the super
of this building?

Yeah.
Well, I've been trying
to reach you.

My shower's broken.

Hey, I'll get
right on it.

Great, thank you.

My shower is broken.

Sorry, ladies first.

Anything else,
becker?

We'd like
to end this.
Yeah.

As a matter of fact, I...

Becker? That's your name?
John becker?

Yes, why?

Oh, I have
your mail here

And I have more
of it upstairs.

You?

You stole my mail?

I didn't steal your mail.

Your mailbox was broken.

I took the mail
so it wouldn't get stolen.

How about that?

A rational
explanation.

Yeah, all right,
yeah, all right.

Maybe for that,
but that doesn't explain

How the roaches got
in my apartment.

Roaches?

Um, actually, that might
have been my fault.

What?
I bought this

Ultrasonic thing
that drives roaches away

And I-I guess they went down
to your apartment.

Yeah, good guess.

Grenquist:
So, becker...

Any chance you feel
as stupid as you look?

Look, this doesn't
change the fact

That last Monday night

Someone dumped my wet laundry
on top of the dryer.

Did you say Monday?

For god's sake, what?

Smoke was coming out
of the dryer.

I took the clothes out
so they wouldn't get burned.

Oh.

This must be a very
humiliating moment for you.

(laughter)

(knocking)

Oh.

Hi.

I brought you the
rest of your mail...

And I baked you some cookies.

It's just my way of saying
I'm sorry.

I didn't mean
to embarrass you down there.

What kind are they?

Oatmeal.

Raisins?

Oh, of course.

Figures.

You know, it must be hard
to live like you do.

Always think
everybody's out to get you.

Yeah, I know it's
none of my business,

But I just
wanted to say...

Good night.