Becker (1998–2004): Season 4, Episode 22 - MisSteaks - full transcript
When John receives some expensive steaks from a patient, his new neighbor Chris cajoles him into throwing a party.
Come on, try it.
It's chewy.
A little spongy.
No real flavor,
yet a curious aftertaste.
Do you give up?
It's an omelet.
You're kidding.
It's this new product
called yeggs.
It comes
in a tube.
You don't even have to cook it.
You just break the seal
and squirt it on a plate.
Come on!
Come on, how are you
going to get through life
If you don't
try new things?
Not bad.
Hey, everybody.
All:
Hey, chris.
Can I get you anything?
Uh, yeah, maybe just
a couple of scrambled...
(frantic fluttering noises)
Just coffee.
Good choice.
So, how's it going?
You getting settled in,
getting used to the city?
Yeah, you feel like
a real new yorker yet?
Pretty much.
I've been flipped off,
flashed,
And strangely enough,
I've yet to get
The right change back
from anybody.
That was a five.
Sorry.
You know what I hate?
Who's got the list?
Delivery people.
Every morning for a week,
I've been waiting at home
for a package to be delivered,
But the guy won't leave it.
Keeps putting these little
stickers on my door,
You know, "while
you were out."
You know,
I don't think
He even tries to leave it.
I bet he just waits
until I take a shower
Or step out on
the fire escape
To empty the trash.
What's in the package?
That's the point;
I don't know.
So, it will be a surprise;
that's exciting.
Oh, you again.
For your
information,
Surprise is never good.
What about the time
You got the free yankee
tickets in the mail?
That was a surprise.
No, that was a trick.
When I got to the stadium,
the cops were waiting for me
With about a hundred
unpaid parking tickets.
That is brilliant.
Well, it is.
I used to fall
for cons like that,
And then my astrologer told me
to stop being such a sucker.
You believe in astrology?
Mm-hmm.
It's such a scam.
Well, that's
what my psychic says.
You know, there's a chance
Your package could
be something good.
Yeah, like that
will ever happen.
Why do you always look
on the dark side?
You know, I find
that generally
What we put out in the
world is what we get back.
In fact-- oh, oh, damn it.
Just curious.
Did that coffee
come out of a cup
That was half full
or half empty?
Let's see you put
A positive spin on that.
Well, uh,
these pants are ruined,
So that gives me an excuse
to go out and buy new ones.
I guess you didn't feel
that way back in the '60s
When you spilled
on your tie.
I'm liking her
more and more.
Oh, good lord.
You're looking at porn?
All right, margaret.
I didn't go to this
site on purpose.
Don't apologize,
just scoot over.
I don't believe this.
All I did was
open an e-mail
That said "greetings
from a friend."
The one thing
that girl does not need
Is another friend.
Just help me
get rid of it.
Close the window.
I tried, but every time I
do, another one pops up.
Watch.
Either of you see
a guy with a package?
Well, actually...
Linda.
Well?
No. They haven't
delivered that yet?
No.
They said the package
was down at their office,
So I go there and they say
the package is on the truck.
So I say, "where's the truck?"
They say, "on its route,"
so I say, "what route?"
Then they...
Please, tell me everything.
Oh, yeah, like your stories
are so damn interesting.
Excuse me, is
there a...?
Oh, finally, there you are.
Give me that, will you?
Easy. You got to
sign for it first.
Fine,
I'll sign for it.
Thought I'd die of old age
waiting for you to deliver this.
Sorry for the inconvenience,
mr. "screw you."
Very funny.
Syringes, antibiotics?
Polio vaccine?
This is all useless.
This is not
the package I want.
Then why did you sign for it?
Look, the package
I wanted
Was supposed to be delivered
to my apartment,
But it wasn't,
So they told me to go down
to your office, which I did,
But then they told me
it was on your truck.
So I said, you know,
"where's the truck?"
It gets more interesting
every time you tell it.
Oh, shut up.
Becker, becker...
Oh, yeah.
There is a package for you.
I tried to deliver it six times,
but you're never home.
Didn't you get a sticker?
Oh, yeah, yeah,
I collected the whole set.
Just go to your truck
And get it for me,
will you, please?
It's not on the truck;
it's back at the office.
I was just
at the office!
They said
it was on your truck!
What the hell's
going on here?!
Where's my other package?!
All right, you found us out.
We have no intention of
ever giving you that one.
We're just going
to keep delivering
Those little
yellow stickers
Until you either give up
or go out of your mind.
Hey, what about
my package?
Here you go.
I swear
this delivery guy
Is toying with me
just for sport.
It's like I'm a monkey
in a cage.
Well, you know what happens
when you dangle a banana
Just out of a monkey's reach?
Yeah, they kick you
and your cousin out of the zoo.
Oh, john, I'm glad
you're still here.
That delivery guy showed
up right after you left.
Yeah, whatever,
just give me that.
You're welcome.
What is it with you
and thank yous?
What the hell is this?
It's cold, it's
packed in dry ice...
Maybe it's the heart
you always wanted.
So, what is it?
It's frozen steaks.
"eight premium
corn-fed filets."
Montana beef?
Those cows live
better than we do.
Well, up until they cut 'em
up and put 'em in the box.
So, somebody sent you steaks.
Sounds like a good thing,
But I imagine
to you it won't be.
It's a mistake.
I didn't order these.
Now I'm gonna have
to get on the phone
And spend hours
straightening this out.
No, you don't.
Yeah, you're right;
you do it.
No, I meant
the steaks are yours.
They're from mr. Owens,
Thanking you for taking
such good care of his wife.
(chuckling):
Hey, huh?
Wow, a gift.
I feel so, uh...
Happy?
Touched?
Grateful?
Pretty?
Never mind.
Actually, I was
going to say hungry.
I mean, look at
this-- eight steaks.
I could have one a
week for two months
Or one a month
for eight months
Or-- oh, you know
what I could do?
I could have them
all on my birthday.
(chuckling):
Yeah, yeah, that'd
be a very good day.
(laughing)
You know, if I was lucky enough
To get eight
gourmet steaks,
I'd throw a party.
Yeah, well, you weren't,
so back off, curly.
These are mine.
You know, becker, these
steaks do look pretty good.
Why don't you share 'em?
Yeah, spread the wealth
a little, becker.
Hey, great idea,
we'll have a party.
(all cheering)
No way I'm
throwing a party.
Party, what party?
At john's apartment.
That doesn't sound like a party.
There is no party.
How about tomorrow night
at 6:00?
Didn't you just listen
to what I said?
There's no party.
So 6:00 is no good?
Actually, 6:00 is perfect.
I don't get off
work until 7:00.
Fine,
we'll make it 7:00.
Great, I'll bring
the potatoes.
I'll bring the coleslaw.
I'll bring the dip.
I'll bring the wine.
I'll bring
the barbecue.
Hold on a sec, hey, hey!
Wait a minute,
what about me?!
You're bringing the steaks.
That will be plenty.
Hey, I didn't agree to this.
Well, you should have said
something before they all left.
Now it's too late.
But I don't want
to have a party.
Don't worry,
I'll take care of everything.
Trust me, tomorrow night
you'll be relaxing at home,
Having a great steak dinner in
the company of good friends.
And you.
Besides,
when you give of yourself
To the people around you,
you get a lot in return.
Trust me,
it will be worth it.
I am a doctor
in a crappy neighborhood.
I give of myself all the time.
Good, then you know
what I'm talking about.
See you.
It won't move,
becker, it's stuck.
I don't care
if you rip its legs off.
Just squeeze it out.
It's a good thing
you didn't go into obstetrics.
Don't just stand there;
help me.
Aah!
Well, that's done.
Tell me again why we're not
doing this up at your place?
Because I just painted,
and the fumes are horrible.
I hate parties.
That is because you have
never been to one of mine.
Once in austria,
I was on a bus
that crashed into a snowbank.
Six people stranded.
All we had was
a six-pack,
A chocolate bar,
and a harmonica,
And we still had
the best time of our lives.
Except for the guy we ate.
(knocking)
Hey, I'm so glad
you could make it.
Thank you. Hi, john.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Is your husband
parking the car?
Louis, come here?
Oh, no, he and john don't have
two words to say to each other.
Oh, yes, we do.
Don't start.
Hey, I didn't bring it up;
she did.
In fact,
it's because of louis...
Don't say it.
Yeah, I don't even eat
veal piccata anymore.
It wasn't
veal piccata.
All right, obviously I
brought up a sore subject.
Yeah, and his name's louis.
Damn you, john.
Come on, come on,
it's a party.
Let's just
have some fun.
(knocking)
Thank god.
Jake, I am so glad
to see you.
Well, good to be here.
And I'll tell you
another reason
Why louis doesn't
want to come here.
Any reason
he's not here
Is good enough for me.
Louis was invited?
I didn't know
we could bring someone.
What about amanda?
Who's amanda?
The girl I live with.
Oh, well, louis isn't coming,
so why don't you
Just call her
and tell her to come over?
Yeah, I'm sure
she'll be real flattered.
"hi, honey.
Louis couldn't make it.
Why don't you come over
and have his leftovers?"
No, I didn't mean it like that.
Could you, could you
help me out here?
Uh... Not really, no.
(knocking)
Hey,
Reggie, linda, welcome.
Hi, chris.
Thanks for putting
this together.
Oh, a pleasure.
I think it will be
a lot of fun.
Just do me a favor.
Don't mention louis
or amanda.
There's a bit of a mix-up
because they're not here.
Wait a minute,
if I knew dates were invited,
I could have
brought someone
And reggie could have...
Well, I could have found
someone for her.
Hey, I don't
need anyone
To find me a date.
Do you really
know someone?
Okay, the barbecue's all set up,
the grill's all clean,
And we're ready to go.
Yay!
Oh, great.
All right, where do
you keep your charcoal?
On my nightstand
next to my clock radio.
If I didn't have a barbecue,
why would I have charcoal?
Why didn't you tell me
you don't have charcoal?
Okay, okay, not a problem.
Bob, why don't
you just go down
To the store and pick
up some charcoal?
What, on my dime?
Don't worry, I'll
make it up to you.
You might
want to watch
How you use that expression
around bob.
I can't believe you
invited louis for steaks.
I thought he only
ate veal piccata.
It wasn't
veal piccata.
You know, for the record,
I get asked out a lot.
Good, 'cause I can't think
of anyone to fix you up with.
Why did you say
you knew someone?
Well, because I felt sorry
for you.
I take it from him...
(bickering)
So the bus just ran
into a snowbank.
Who do we eat first?
How do you get your
hair to do that?
I really don't do
anything special.
Well, it shows.
Look, every party gets off
to a slow start.
Evolution got off
to a slow start.
This party's dead.
This dip is great.
What's in it?
Oh, it's just onion soup
and sour cream.
Onion soup and sour cream.
Wow, that sounds
easy enough.
Good friends, good food,
good conversation.
I would settle for
any one of those.
Okay, all right.
We just need an activity
to get things started.
I know the perfect
party game: Charades.
I would rather stick
hot needles in my eyes...
Sounds like fun,
but let's try charades first.
Okay, jake, she's
got an egg beater
And she's holding
it up to her eye.
That, that means
it's a movie, linda.
Die hard, terminator,
lethal weapon, rambo.
Oh, I know,
sophie's choice.
Linda, you got to let
her give you more clues.
See, I would have bet
that the blind guy
Would be the one having
the problem with this game.
Look, in all fairness,
jake is a bit disadvantaged.
Hey, you're the one who
put linda on my team.
What's that
supposed to mean?
And by that, I mean
I know exactly
what that's supposed to mean.
Okay, come on, come on,
let's get back to the game.
So it's really just
soup and sour cream?
Yes, write it down.
Okay, okay,
it's a movie, remember?
Jake, pass me the chips.
Now, how am I supposed to
know where the chips are?
Never mind,
I'll just pick one
Off the front
of your sweater.
Is that canned soup
or dry soup?
Oh, for god's sake,
what is so difficult?
Well, I'm just trying
to get it right.
Dry soup.
Thank you.
The whole package?
(groans)
Geez, who died?
A cow, in vain.
Where the hell have you been?
It's kind of a
funny story...
Yeah, which
none of us want to hear.
Just fire up those coals,
will you, so everybody can eat
And get the hell
out of here.
That's right.
I'm hungry.
Please.
Relax, relax.
We should be eating
in about 30, 35 minutes.
35 minutes?
Come on.
Relax.
In the meantime
You can all nosh off
jake's sweater.
Oh, by the way,
Where do you keep
your lighter fluid?
If I had lighter fluid,
don't you think
I would have set fire
to myself by now?
Okay, maybe we flew
a little too close
To the sun with charades,
But I've got another game,
and it is called geography.
Yeah, let's all pick
different places on the map,
Then go there.
No, no, no.
I name a state,
and then the next person uses
The last letter of that state
to name another state.
Like, if I say maryland,
you use the "d" and say...
Depression.
That's the state I'm in.
You know, if you don't
want to play, fine.
Just don't ruin it
for everybody else.
Okay? So let's try
another one.
If I say new york...
New jersey.
That's very good.
Uh, but, see,
New york ends
with a "k,"
So you'd want to name a state
that starts with a "k."
Like...
Like...
Hey, that's a trick question.
There are no states
that start with a "k."
Except kansas
And kentucky.
And "konnecticut."
You know, I once played
this game upside-down
In a bus with people
who didn't even speak english,
And they did better than you.
Sorry.
Okay.
All right, l-let's just
try another one, okay?
That's the stupidest thing
I've ever heard.
What? She said
new jersey.
But you said
wyoming.
Wyoming doesn't
start with a "y."
Well, it sounds
like it should.
Well, it doesn't.
It starts with a "w."
Well, then, what
starts with a "y"?
How about, "why did I ever let
you people in here?"
How about, "why
are you so rude?"
Or, "why did we even come
to this party?"
Or, "why was margaret
watching porn in the office?"
Bob, is dinner
ready yet?
Margaret:
Either the steaks are done
Or we've elected a new pope.
Hey, you can't rush.
These are thick steaks.
It's not like we're making
veal piccata.
It wasn't veal piccata.
Okay, I got
another game.
Of course you do.
No, this is more
of an interpersonal
Bonding sort of thing.
It's called secrets and lies.
I've played it before.
And believe me,
it is a lot of fun.
(sobbing):
It was just that one time,
You know,
and I didn't want to.
I was just trying to fit in.
I hate this game.
What's next?
A couple of rounds of drinks,
Somebody kills themself,
and we call it a night?
(whispering):
Leave me alone.
What is taking so long?
It's just fire and meat.
Oh, sure, that
recipe you remember.
Oh, you know,
that's it.
What the hell's
taking so long?
Hey, I'm cooking
to order here.
I mean, you know,
linda wants medium,
Reggie wants rare,
and jake wants...
Wants to leave,
like everybody else.
Come on, let's just
get them in there.
Come on, becker, what's
another ten minutes?
Another ten minutes
out of my life
That I'll get never back.
Oh!
Geez!
That's too
bad, becker.
That one was yours.
They're all mine, bob.
Look what you made me do!
Me? You're the one
who knocked them over.
You're the one who put
The platter above my head
when I stood up.
It's not my fault,
it's yours.
Look, about the party...
You're still
actually using that word
To describe
what happened here?
I'm sorry.
Yeah,
tell me something.
You know that good feeling
I was supposed to have?
You know,
where "giving of myself"
Was supposed to all be worth it?
Did that happen?
'cause I think I missed it.
I said I was sorry.
Yeah, you know,
You were wrong
about everything.
Why didn't you listen
to me?
Oh, because
it was important.
To whom?
To me.
Yeah, see, that's what
I don't understand.
Why?
All right, I'll tell you.
About, uh, about a year ago,
I met a guy and fell in love.
I gave up everything to move
to colorado to be with him.
I was really happy.
And one day
I came home and, uh...
Found him in bed
with another woman.
Uh, no, worse.
Oh, geez, a man?
No.
He was gone.
Took all my stuff
with him.
I was crushed.
I just... I wanted to get
as far away as possible,
So, uh, so I came here.
Thought I could make
some new friends, start over.
And tonight
was the first night
Since I got here that I,
I didn't sit alone
In my apartment and cry.
(sobbing)
Oh, geez.
Hey, uh...
You know, I'm sorry.
Here.
(whispering):
Thank you.
Hey, trust me, you
know, it gets better.
When I first came
to the bronx,
I felt exactly
the way you do.
But look at me now.
I have all this, huh?
(chuckles)
thanks, I feel better.
Well, you know, if...
This party got you
out of your apartment,
I guess tonight
was all worth it.
(sobbing):
What'd you say?
I said, "tonight
was worth it."
Thank you, that is all
I wanted to hear.
What?
Hey, hey, w-w-w-wait.
You said it was worth it,
and that's all
I wanted you to say,
so good night.
W-w-wait a second, that,
that was all a story?
Wha-what about colorado?
Uh, ends in "o."
That would be oklahoma,
oregon, or ohio.
Good night.
I hate her.
It's chewy.
A little spongy.
No real flavor,
yet a curious aftertaste.
Do you give up?
It's an omelet.
You're kidding.
It's this new product
called yeggs.
It comes
in a tube.
You don't even have to cook it.
You just break the seal
and squirt it on a plate.
Come on!
Come on, how are you
going to get through life
If you don't
try new things?
Not bad.
Hey, everybody.
All:
Hey, chris.
Can I get you anything?
Uh, yeah, maybe just
a couple of scrambled...
(frantic fluttering noises)
Just coffee.
Good choice.
So, how's it going?
You getting settled in,
getting used to the city?
Yeah, you feel like
a real new yorker yet?
Pretty much.
I've been flipped off,
flashed,
And strangely enough,
I've yet to get
The right change back
from anybody.
That was a five.
Sorry.
You know what I hate?
Who's got the list?
Delivery people.
Every morning for a week,
I've been waiting at home
for a package to be delivered,
But the guy won't leave it.
Keeps putting these little
stickers on my door,
You know, "while
you were out."
You know,
I don't think
He even tries to leave it.
I bet he just waits
until I take a shower
Or step out on
the fire escape
To empty the trash.
What's in the package?
That's the point;
I don't know.
So, it will be a surprise;
that's exciting.
Oh, you again.
For your
information,
Surprise is never good.
What about the time
You got the free yankee
tickets in the mail?
That was a surprise.
No, that was a trick.
When I got to the stadium,
the cops were waiting for me
With about a hundred
unpaid parking tickets.
That is brilliant.
Well, it is.
I used to fall
for cons like that,
And then my astrologer told me
to stop being such a sucker.
You believe in astrology?
Mm-hmm.
It's such a scam.
Well, that's
what my psychic says.
You know, there's a chance
Your package could
be something good.
Yeah, like that
will ever happen.
Why do you always look
on the dark side?
You know, I find
that generally
What we put out in the
world is what we get back.
In fact-- oh, oh, damn it.
Just curious.
Did that coffee
come out of a cup
That was half full
or half empty?
Let's see you put
A positive spin on that.
Well, uh,
these pants are ruined,
So that gives me an excuse
to go out and buy new ones.
I guess you didn't feel
that way back in the '60s
When you spilled
on your tie.
I'm liking her
more and more.
Oh, good lord.
You're looking at porn?
All right, margaret.
I didn't go to this
site on purpose.
Don't apologize,
just scoot over.
I don't believe this.
All I did was
open an e-mail
That said "greetings
from a friend."
The one thing
that girl does not need
Is another friend.
Just help me
get rid of it.
Close the window.
I tried, but every time I
do, another one pops up.
Watch.
Either of you see
a guy with a package?
Well, actually...
Linda.
Well?
No. They haven't
delivered that yet?
No.
They said the package
was down at their office,
So I go there and they say
the package is on the truck.
So I say, "where's the truck?"
They say, "on its route,"
so I say, "what route?"
Then they...
Please, tell me everything.
Oh, yeah, like your stories
are so damn interesting.
Excuse me, is
there a...?
Oh, finally, there you are.
Give me that, will you?
Easy. You got to
sign for it first.
Fine,
I'll sign for it.
Thought I'd die of old age
waiting for you to deliver this.
Sorry for the inconvenience,
mr. "screw you."
Very funny.
Syringes, antibiotics?
Polio vaccine?
This is all useless.
This is not
the package I want.
Then why did you sign for it?
Look, the package
I wanted
Was supposed to be delivered
to my apartment,
But it wasn't,
So they told me to go down
to your office, which I did,
But then they told me
it was on your truck.
So I said, you know,
"where's the truck?"
It gets more interesting
every time you tell it.
Oh, shut up.
Becker, becker...
Oh, yeah.
There is a package for you.
I tried to deliver it six times,
but you're never home.
Didn't you get a sticker?
Oh, yeah, yeah,
I collected the whole set.
Just go to your truck
And get it for me,
will you, please?
It's not on the truck;
it's back at the office.
I was just
at the office!
They said
it was on your truck!
What the hell's
going on here?!
Where's my other package?!
All right, you found us out.
We have no intention of
ever giving you that one.
We're just going
to keep delivering
Those little
yellow stickers
Until you either give up
or go out of your mind.
Hey, what about
my package?
Here you go.
I swear
this delivery guy
Is toying with me
just for sport.
It's like I'm a monkey
in a cage.
Well, you know what happens
when you dangle a banana
Just out of a monkey's reach?
Yeah, they kick you
and your cousin out of the zoo.
Oh, john, I'm glad
you're still here.
That delivery guy showed
up right after you left.
Yeah, whatever,
just give me that.
You're welcome.
What is it with you
and thank yous?
What the hell is this?
It's cold, it's
packed in dry ice...
Maybe it's the heart
you always wanted.
So, what is it?
It's frozen steaks.
"eight premium
corn-fed filets."
Montana beef?
Those cows live
better than we do.
Well, up until they cut 'em
up and put 'em in the box.
So, somebody sent you steaks.
Sounds like a good thing,
But I imagine
to you it won't be.
It's a mistake.
I didn't order these.
Now I'm gonna have
to get on the phone
And spend hours
straightening this out.
No, you don't.
Yeah, you're right;
you do it.
No, I meant
the steaks are yours.
They're from mr. Owens,
Thanking you for taking
such good care of his wife.
(chuckling):
Hey, huh?
Wow, a gift.
I feel so, uh...
Happy?
Touched?
Grateful?
Pretty?
Never mind.
Actually, I was
going to say hungry.
I mean, look at
this-- eight steaks.
I could have one a
week for two months
Or one a month
for eight months
Or-- oh, you know
what I could do?
I could have them
all on my birthday.
(chuckling):
Yeah, yeah, that'd
be a very good day.
(laughing)
You know, if I was lucky enough
To get eight
gourmet steaks,
I'd throw a party.
Yeah, well, you weren't,
so back off, curly.
These are mine.
You know, becker, these
steaks do look pretty good.
Why don't you share 'em?
Yeah, spread the wealth
a little, becker.
Hey, great idea,
we'll have a party.
(all cheering)
No way I'm
throwing a party.
Party, what party?
At john's apartment.
That doesn't sound like a party.
There is no party.
How about tomorrow night
at 6:00?
Didn't you just listen
to what I said?
There's no party.
So 6:00 is no good?
Actually, 6:00 is perfect.
I don't get off
work until 7:00.
Fine,
we'll make it 7:00.
Great, I'll bring
the potatoes.
I'll bring the coleslaw.
I'll bring the dip.
I'll bring the wine.
I'll bring
the barbecue.
Hold on a sec, hey, hey!
Wait a minute,
what about me?!
You're bringing the steaks.
That will be plenty.
Hey, I didn't agree to this.
Well, you should have said
something before they all left.
Now it's too late.
But I don't want
to have a party.
Don't worry,
I'll take care of everything.
Trust me, tomorrow night
you'll be relaxing at home,
Having a great steak dinner in
the company of good friends.
And you.
Besides,
when you give of yourself
To the people around you,
you get a lot in return.
Trust me,
it will be worth it.
I am a doctor
in a crappy neighborhood.
I give of myself all the time.
Good, then you know
what I'm talking about.
See you.
It won't move,
becker, it's stuck.
I don't care
if you rip its legs off.
Just squeeze it out.
It's a good thing
you didn't go into obstetrics.
Don't just stand there;
help me.
Aah!
Well, that's done.
Tell me again why we're not
doing this up at your place?
Because I just painted,
and the fumes are horrible.
I hate parties.
That is because you have
never been to one of mine.
Once in austria,
I was on a bus
that crashed into a snowbank.
Six people stranded.
All we had was
a six-pack,
A chocolate bar,
and a harmonica,
And we still had
the best time of our lives.
Except for the guy we ate.
(knocking)
Hey, I'm so glad
you could make it.
Thank you. Hi, john.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Is your husband
parking the car?
Louis, come here?
Oh, no, he and john don't have
two words to say to each other.
Oh, yes, we do.
Don't start.
Hey, I didn't bring it up;
she did.
In fact,
it's because of louis...
Don't say it.
Yeah, I don't even eat
veal piccata anymore.
It wasn't
veal piccata.
All right, obviously I
brought up a sore subject.
Yeah, and his name's louis.
Damn you, john.
Come on, come on,
it's a party.
Let's just
have some fun.
(knocking)
Thank god.
Jake, I am so glad
to see you.
Well, good to be here.
And I'll tell you
another reason
Why louis doesn't
want to come here.
Any reason
he's not here
Is good enough for me.
Louis was invited?
I didn't know
we could bring someone.
What about amanda?
Who's amanda?
The girl I live with.
Oh, well, louis isn't coming,
so why don't you
Just call her
and tell her to come over?
Yeah, I'm sure
she'll be real flattered.
"hi, honey.
Louis couldn't make it.
Why don't you come over
and have his leftovers?"
No, I didn't mean it like that.
Could you, could you
help me out here?
Uh... Not really, no.
(knocking)
Hey,
Reggie, linda, welcome.
Hi, chris.
Thanks for putting
this together.
Oh, a pleasure.
I think it will be
a lot of fun.
Just do me a favor.
Don't mention louis
or amanda.
There's a bit of a mix-up
because they're not here.
Wait a minute,
if I knew dates were invited,
I could have
brought someone
And reggie could have...
Well, I could have found
someone for her.
Hey, I don't
need anyone
To find me a date.
Do you really
know someone?
Okay, the barbecue's all set up,
the grill's all clean,
And we're ready to go.
Yay!
Oh, great.
All right, where do
you keep your charcoal?
On my nightstand
next to my clock radio.
If I didn't have a barbecue,
why would I have charcoal?
Why didn't you tell me
you don't have charcoal?
Okay, okay, not a problem.
Bob, why don't
you just go down
To the store and pick
up some charcoal?
What, on my dime?
Don't worry, I'll
make it up to you.
You might
want to watch
How you use that expression
around bob.
I can't believe you
invited louis for steaks.
I thought he only
ate veal piccata.
It wasn't
veal piccata.
You know, for the record,
I get asked out a lot.
Good, 'cause I can't think
of anyone to fix you up with.
Why did you say
you knew someone?
Well, because I felt sorry
for you.
I take it from him...
(bickering)
So the bus just ran
into a snowbank.
Who do we eat first?
How do you get your
hair to do that?
I really don't do
anything special.
Well, it shows.
Look, every party gets off
to a slow start.
Evolution got off
to a slow start.
This party's dead.
This dip is great.
What's in it?
Oh, it's just onion soup
and sour cream.
Onion soup and sour cream.
Wow, that sounds
easy enough.
Good friends, good food,
good conversation.
I would settle for
any one of those.
Okay, all right.
We just need an activity
to get things started.
I know the perfect
party game: Charades.
I would rather stick
hot needles in my eyes...
Sounds like fun,
but let's try charades first.
Okay, jake, she's
got an egg beater
And she's holding
it up to her eye.
That, that means
it's a movie, linda.
Die hard, terminator,
lethal weapon, rambo.
Oh, I know,
sophie's choice.
Linda, you got to let
her give you more clues.
See, I would have bet
that the blind guy
Would be the one having
the problem with this game.
Look, in all fairness,
jake is a bit disadvantaged.
Hey, you're the one who
put linda on my team.
What's that
supposed to mean?
And by that, I mean
I know exactly
what that's supposed to mean.
Okay, come on, come on,
let's get back to the game.
So it's really just
soup and sour cream?
Yes, write it down.
Okay, okay,
it's a movie, remember?
Jake, pass me the chips.
Now, how am I supposed to
know where the chips are?
Never mind,
I'll just pick one
Off the front
of your sweater.
Is that canned soup
or dry soup?
Oh, for god's sake,
what is so difficult?
Well, I'm just trying
to get it right.
Dry soup.
Thank you.
The whole package?
(groans)
Geez, who died?
A cow, in vain.
Where the hell have you been?
It's kind of a
funny story...
Yeah, which
none of us want to hear.
Just fire up those coals,
will you, so everybody can eat
And get the hell
out of here.
That's right.
I'm hungry.
Please.
Relax, relax.
We should be eating
in about 30, 35 minutes.
35 minutes?
Come on.
Relax.
In the meantime
You can all nosh off
jake's sweater.
Oh, by the way,
Where do you keep
your lighter fluid?
If I had lighter fluid,
don't you think
I would have set fire
to myself by now?
Okay, maybe we flew
a little too close
To the sun with charades,
But I've got another game,
and it is called geography.
Yeah, let's all pick
different places on the map,
Then go there.
No, no, no.
I name a state,
and then the next person uses
The last letter of that state
to name another state.
Like, if I say maryland,
you use the "d" and say...
Depression.
That's the state I'm in.
You know, if you don't
want to play, fine.
Just don't ruin it
for everybody else.
Okay? So let's try
another one.
If I say new york...
New jersey.
That's very good.
Uh, but, see,
New york ends
with a "k,"
So you'd want to name a state
that starts with a "k."
Like...
Like...
Hey, that's a trick question.
There are no states
that start with a "k."
Except kansas
And kentucky.
And "konnecticut."
You know, I once played
this game upside-down
In a bus with people
who didn't even speak english,
And they did better than you.
Sorry.
Okay.
All right, l-let's just
try another one, okay?
That's the stupidest thing
I've ever heard.
What? She said
new jersey.
But you said
wyoming.
Wyoming doesn't
start with a "y."
Well, it sounds
like it should.
Well, it doesn't.
It starts with a "w."
Well, then, what
starts with a "y"?
How about, "why did I ever let
you people in here?"
How about, "why
are you so rude?"
Or, "why did we even come
to this party?"
Or, "why was margaret
watching porn in the office?"
Bob, is dinner
ready yet?
Margaret:
Either the steaks are done
Or we've elected a new pope.
Hey, you can't rush.
These are thick steaks.
It's not like we're making
veal piccata.
It wasn't veal piccata.
Okay, I got
another game.
Of course you do.
No, this is more
of an interpersonal
Bonding sort of thing.
It's called secrets and lies.
I've played it before.
And believe me,
it is a lot of fun.
(sobbing):
It was just that one time,
You know,
and I didn't want to.
I was just trying to fit in.
I hate this game.
What's next?
A couple of rounds of drinks,
Somebody kills themself,
and we call it a night?
(whispering):
Leave me alone.
What is taking so long?
It's just fire and meat.
Oh, sure, that
recipe you remember.
Oh, you know,
that's it.
What the hell's
taking so long?
Hey, I'm cooking
to order here.
I mean, you know,
linda wants medium,
Reggie wants rare,
and jake wants...
Wants to leave,
like everybody else.
Come on, let's just
get them in there.
Come on, becker, what's
another ten minutes?
Another ten minutes
out of my life
That I'll get never back.
Oh!
Geez!
That's too
bad, becker.
That one was yours.
They're all mine, bob.
Look what you made me do!
Me? You're the one
who knocked them over.
You're the one who put
The platter above my head
when I stood up.
It's not my fault,
it's yours.
Look, about the party...
You're still
actually using that word
To describe
what happened here?
I'm sorry.
Yeah,
tell me something.
You know that good feeling
I was supposed to have?
You know,
where "giving of myself"
Was supposed to all be worth it?
Did that happen?
'cause I think I missed it.
I said I was sorry.
Yeah, you know,
You were wrong
about everything.
Why didn't you listen
to me?
Oh, because
it was important.
To whom?
To me.
Yeah, see, that's what
I don't understand.
Why?
All right, I'll tell you.
About, uh, about a year ago,
I met a guy and fell in love.
I gave up everything to move
to colorado to be with him.
I was really happy.
And one day
I came home and, uh...
Found him in bed
with another woman.
Uh, no, worse.
Oh, geez, a man?
No.
He was gone.
Took all my stuff
with him.
I was crushed.
I just... I wanted to get
as far away as possible,
So, uh, so I came here.
Thought I could make
some new friends, start over.
And tonight
was the first night
Since I got here that I,
I didn't sit alone
In my apartment and cry.
(sobbing)
Oh, geez.
Hey, uh...
You know, I'm sorry.
Here.
(whispering):
Thank you.
Hey, trust me, you
know, it gets better.
When I first came
to the bronx,
I felt exactly
the way you do.
But look at me now.
I have all this, huh?
(chuckles)
thanks, I feel better.
Well, you know, if...
This party got you
out of your apartment,
I guess tonight
was all worth it.
(sobbing):
What'd you say?
I said, "tonight
was worth it."
Thank you, that is all
I wanted to hear.
What?
Hey, hey, w-w-w-wait.
You said it was worth it,
and that's all
I wanted you to say,
so good night.
W-w-wait a second, that,
that was all a story?
Wha-what about colorado?
Uh, ends in "o."
That would be oklahoma,
oregon, or ohio.
Good night.
I hate her.