Becker (1998–2004): Season 4, Episode 13 - Barter Sauce - full transcript

Hey, guys.

Hey.

What's the matter, bob?

Still upset your
dental hygienist

Got a breast reduction?

Nah, that's old news.

Sad, but old.

Bob just came from
the doctor's office.

It's not good.

What's
the matter, bob?

My doctor's dead.



Why does everything
happen to me?

Yeah, I think
you put your finger

On the real loser in that story.

Isn't bob the real loser
in any story?

I'm talking about doc hendricks,
my pediatrician.

He brought me into this world
and now he's dead.

At least the punishment
fit the crime.

So now I have
to find a new doctor.

If there was only someone
bob knew.

Someone bob trusted.

But who?

Who?

Who, I ask you?

What are you, dense?



No, I get it.

I just don't want to do it.

Oh, come on.

Reggie: What's
the big deal?

Just find another doctor.

I can't afford it.

Doc hendricks was
treating me for free.

Well, not free,
sort of like a barter system.

I did odd jobs around
his office and...

Wait a minute.

We could do that.
I could fix things for you.

You're the super of my building.

You're supposed to be fixing
things for me now.

Supposed to.

I mean, I'm supposed to be rich

And hanging out
with a better class of people,

But that hasn't
worked out either.

Look, I'll fix things
in your apartment

And your office.
No.

Come on, I thought you took
an oath to help people.

I had my fingers crossed.

You'd be getting handyman
services for free.

Ah, the magic word.

All right, bob.

Yeah, I'll do that.

We'll start with the broken
window in my exam room.

But you have to fix it,
or the deal's off.

Look, if I say I'll do
something, I'll do it.

All right, that didn't sound
right to me either,

But I promise
I'll fix the window.

You know, this barter thing
might work for me, too.

I mean, I hate the treatment
I get from that hmo.

Who cares if he's gay?

At least
you have a doctor.

Maybe I could
get in on this.

What do you say, becker?

You be my doctor,
and I'll give you food.

Yeah, and I'll
give you magazines

Gum and cigarettes.

Let me get this straight.

All I have to do is treat you,

And you'll feed me, and you'll
give me cigarettes and magazines

And cigarettes?

What do you say?

All free?

Yeah, free.
What don't you get?

Oh, I get it.
I just like hearing it.

All right,
fine, yeah.

We got a deal.

Oh, thanks for breakfast.

Oh, look, a little
something for you.

I'll just go over here and get
a couple of candy bars for later

And I'll be on my way.

Well, what do
I get in exchange?

What about
the doctor part?

What?
Oh, yeah, all right.

Uh, diet, exercise,
don't smoke, and...

Stay away from
the caffeine.

Margaret, where have you been?

I'm sorry.

My train was late.

Well, come on.

There's 15 messages
on the machine.

Ooh, I hope they're
all from julie.

Me, too.

If she ever figures out that
she's got the wrong number,

The fun is over.

Hit it.
Okay.

(machine beeps)

Phil?

Are you there, phil?

It's me, julie.

Pick up.

You're not fooling me,

Pretending to be
a doctor's office, you bastard!

I hate you!

(phone clicks, machine beeps)

Phil, baby, I'm sorry.

I love you so much.

I really do.

Call me.
(line disconnects)

Fickle little thing,
isn't she?

(machine beeps)

You know what?

I don't need you to be happy.

I hope you die.

(dial tone humming)

I don't think
she means that.

(machine beeps)

Oh, phil, I didn't mean that.

I can't live without you!

If you don't call me,
I don't know what I'll do.

(line disconnects)

You don't think she'll
do anything stupid, do you?

I really think she's
stronger than that.

She'll get it
together.

(machine beeps)

Phil, it's julie.

Just calling to let you know
that cheryl's here,

And we're going out to party.

See ya.

(line disconnects)

Linda, it's amazing
how tuned in you are

To her emotions.

Well, I like to think
I'm pretty perceptive.

Plus, I listened
to the messages

Before you got here.
Oh.

Check this one out.

(machine beeps)

Phil, remember how much you said
you liked my hair?

Well, I shaved my head, so ha!

And another thing...

Morning.

I can't believe
you're still wasting your time

Listening to that lunatic's
phone messages.

We absolutely were not.

And even if we were, it's
only because we can't stop.

Good cover.

You guys are pathetic.

You know, the next time
that psycho calls,

Explain it's
a wrong number,

And for god's sake,
tell her to get a life.

Oh, she did.

Last night she went out
partying with cheryl.

Cheryl?

Didn't phil date her
before he met julie?

Oh, no, no.

My mistake.

That was shelley,
her half sister.

That's right, shelley.

You listen to
the messages, too?

Uh, I have to.

There could be a medical
emergency on there.

Ha!

Oh, shut up.

Bob's waiting for you
in room two.

I just left him
in the diner.

That's impossible.

You know, you're right.

He's in room one.

You were in the diner
when I left.

How'd you beat me here?
I walked.

But unlike you, I don't stop
and wheeze every fourth step.

What do you want, bob?

Well, I figured
since you're my doctor,

I'd come on over
and ask you

About this little
stomach thing I got.

What do you mean?

Well, I got this little tickle
right about here.

All right, I'll examine you
and run a few tests.

Tests?

Doc hendricks would just
tell me it's nothing,

Then take out the puppet
and give me a shot.

Yeah, first of all,
I don't use puppets, bob.

And second, I'm not
going to say it's nothing

Until I've done my evaluation.

You know, blood test,
x rays, that kind of thing.

Oh, come on.

Where are my damn gloves?

Wow.

Tests, gloves,

No puppet.

It's pretty high-tech.

Wait till we get
to the prostate exam.

Oh, by the way,
that's the window

I want you to fix
right there.

Yeah, yeah.
I'll get to it.

So, you want me to take
my clothes off now?

Has anyone ever
said "yes" to that?

Julie: Okay, I didn't really
cut my hair off.

I just wanted
to see what you'd do.

Which was nothing!

(machine beeps)

Hi, this is mr. Rothman.

I think I may have
twisted my ankle...

Ah, he's not
going anywhere.

(tape squeaking)

Oh, that's it.

(phone ringing)
you know this whole julie thing

Has gotten way out of control.

You know, this is
a doctor's office,

Not a...
What's going on here?

Would somebody answer the phone?

(phone ringing)

Don't worry.
The machine will get it.

Ah, I see what's going on here.

Yeah, you want julie

To leave another crazy message,
don't you?

Yeah, doctor's office.

No, julie,
this is not phil.

You have the wrong number.

This is a dr. John becker,
and I'd appre...

What?

No, I can't imagine why phil
would give you the wrong number.

Well, look.

I, you...

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Don't... Stop crying. St...

There, there.

There, there, sweetheart.

Yeah, now listen to me.

You know, you-you need
to forget phil.

You know, and have a little
respect for yourself.

Yeah, see?

Now, isn't that better?

Ah, all right.

Well, you're welcome.

You take care.

Freak.

Great.

Fun thing #50
is destroyed.

Here you go, jake.

I brought you a shopping
bag; fill 'er up.

Whoa, whoa. What are
you talking about?

Our new barter
system, you know?

Hand me some magazines.

Oh, okay.
Which ones?

Bottom row.

Since when do you read
oprah's magazine?

Well, don't I deserve
to live my best life?

All of these
are for you?

No, my waiting room.

My patients are getting tired
of reliving watergate.

Thank you.

Hey, uh, reg,
I can't stay for lunch.

Could you send over,
uh, two cheeseburgers

French fries, and,
oh, you know

Maybe a chocolate milk shake.

Now, I'm assuming
delivery's included.

Problem?

Yes, there's a problem.

You've been stuffing
yourself for days

And what do
I get in return?

Nothing.

I-I thought we had a deal.

I know, but I haven't
needed a doctor once.

It isn't fair.

Well, relax.

Maybe one day
you'll be very, very sick.

You'd better hope so.

(shouting in pain)

Oh, jake,
what happened?

I was cutting a string
on a stack of newspapers,

And I just nicked my hand. Ow.

Ooh, boy, that's got to hurt.

Yeah, it does.

But luckily, my doctor's
standing right here.

So why don't you live up
to your end of the deal

And check me out.

Oh, all right,
fine, fine.

Give me
the first aid kit.

Here.

That's it?

My first aid kit's
propping up the stove.

Of course it is, yeah.

Ow.

It doesn't
look so bad.

When was your
last tetanus shot?

I don't know.
A couple years ago.

Well, you'll be fine.

Keep some pressure on that.

If it gives you
a problem, call me.

I'll get you on
some antibiotics.

Becker, it's already
been three days.

Where are my test results?

They haven't
come in yet.

Remember, we lost a day

Because I to sedate
you to draw blood.

When they come in,
I'll call you.

Well, what am I supposed
to do while I'm waiting?

Well, you could
go over to my office

And fix the damn window.

I'll get to it.

Yeah, well,
see that you do.

You know, clearly,
this is news to you,

But a barter system

Is a two-way street.

It's not just
take, take, take.

You know, that's wrong.

What's the deal?

You out of scones?

Julie: I just don't understand.

I thought we really connected.

Why won't you call me?!

Is that julie again?

I told her phil wasn't here.

Oh, she's not
calling phil.

Listen to this.

(machine beeps)

You can't just play
with my emotions like that

And then ignore me.

John, I need you so badly.

Well, that's
just great.

What did I do to deserve this?

You were nice to her.

Just your luck.

The one person
you pick to be nice to.

Bob's in room one.

Oh, yeah.

My day just gets better
and better.

Okay, I got your
lab results back.

As far as your stomach pain
goes,

I can rule out anything serious.

Oh, thank god.

I'm guessing indigestion

Or what we
in the medical profession

Call "reggie's cooking."

I just have one test
I want the lab to recheck,

But I'm pretty sure
it's nothing.

Wait... Recheck? Recheck what?

I don't follow.

Well, your liver enzyme's
slightly elevated,

But it may just be a...
A little viral infection.

Infection?
Yeah.

I never got an infection
from doc hendrick's puppet.

How long are these tests
going to take to get back?

Relax, will you?

It'll be a few days; that's all.

What am I supposed to do
in the meantime?

I'll tell you what I tell
all my patients.

Fix my damn window!

What are you
doing here?

Going out of my mind.

I got a rash
all over my body.

All right, let me check.

Oh, god, this itching
is killing me.

It's probably a reaction
to that antibiotic I gave you.

So, you gave me this rash?

It's a side effect; it happens.

I'll give you a prescription
for an antihistamine.

That should clear it right up.

You know, it's almost like the
cure was worse than the disease.

Kind of funny
when you think about it.

I'd be laughing my ass off

If I wasn't so busy
scratching it.

Oh, yeah, you know, I forgot
to ask, how's your finger doing?

Not that one. What...?

Morning, dr. Becker.

Morning.

Any messages?

From patients? No.

From julie, there were 23.

That nut called me 23 times!
Why?

She's upset with you.

And then she's not.

And then she is.

Damn it. You know,

Why do lonely, pathetic women
always glom onto me?

Becker, I need you.

I'm finally sick,
so now it's payback time.

Start treating me.

Hold on, hold on.

What are your symptoms?

Headache, stuffy nose,
scratchy throat.

Well, sounds to me
like you've got a cold.

Take aspirin, drink water,
and get plenty of rest.

That's it?

What a rip-off.

You've been pigging out
at the diner for days.

Aren't you at least going
to shine a light in my eyes

Or hit me with a hammer?

As tempting as that sounds,
it'd be a waste of time.

Now, go home, get into bed.
Call me tomorrow.

But what if I'm all better
by then?

Hey, you know, there are a lot
of terrible things going around.

Keep a good thought.
Maybe you'll get worse.

How could I get worse?

I'm coughing, I'm sweating,

My nose is running,
and I can't stop...

(sneezes)

...Sneezing.

Oh, by the way,

Here's your lunch.

I'll be in my office.

You're still going to eat that?

Hey, free's free.

(key turning in lock)

What the hell
are you doing?

You're my doctor;
I'm making a house call.

This is not a house call.

This is trespassing.

No, it's not; I have keys.

What do you want, bob?

It's about my liver problem.

You said it was nothing.

Well, I went online
to check it out.

Yeah, must have been a shock
to discover

The internet wasn't just porn.

One crisis at a time, okay?

Did you know
that you only have one liver

And if you lose it, you die?

Yes, it was a question
on the doctor test.

I'm sure you're fine.

Go away, will you?

Becker, I could
have a fatal disease.

There's a whole
list of symptoms--

Fatigue, agitation, nausea.

Are you nauseous?

I was when I saw the list!

Will you trust me?

I'm a trained
medical professional.

Now, go away.

John, what the hell
kind of doctor are you?

That antihistamine you gave me--

You could have told me
it would make me drowsy.

It was printed in giant letters
on the label, you mor...

Oh...

Yeah, "oh..."

It made me so tired, I fell
asleep while I was shaving,

Smacked my head
against the mirror.

Wait a minute. You're blind.

Why do you shave
in front of a mirror?

That's where the good light is.

Look at this bump.

Okay, all right,
all right.

Just stay
off your feet

And put some ice on that
until the swelling goes down.

I'll give you a prescription
for a topical,

Non-drowsy ointment
that will relieve the itching.

You'll be fine;
now, just relax.

Yeah, I've heard that before.

You know, I've got half a mind
to sue you for malpractice.

If I could only
find an attorney

That would represent
me for cigarettes and
magazines, oh-ho, boy!

You know what?

Bob's starting to worry.

Maybe you're
a lousy doctor.

(phone ringing)
hey, you know something?

I've done a lot of things

In my life I'm not proud of,

But I'm damn proud
of being a good doctor

And of how much
I care for my patients.

Julie (on answering machine):
John becker,

You heartless bastard!

You don't care if I live or die!

I hate you!

(machine beeps)

Okay, see, she's not my patient.

How could she be?
She's still alive.

You're not going
to believe this,

But that psycho julie called
my apartment last night.

What? How did she
get your number?

That's what I'd
like to know.

Hey, I didn't give it to her.

She called here after you left,
and she wanted your number,

But I said, "no way."

Good.
I told her

She'd have to call
directory assistance

And ask for john becker
on kaden avenue herself.

Margaret, I swear
to god, I'm...

John, john...

If your privacy
is so important to you,

Why didn't you get
an unlisted number?

Oh, yeah, maybe
you've got $1.75

To blow every month,
but I don't.

Your favorite patient's in one.

Oh, god.

All right, becker,
give it to me straight.

Well, your tests
came back...
No, don't.

Sugarcoat it.

Bob, I'm trying...

No, I can take it.

If you'll listen...
No, I can't.

Bob, your tests came back,
and they were negative.

Negative?

Negative means
nothing's wrong.

You're fine.

I'm fine?
Yes.

And if you want
to stay that way,

You'll fix my window.

(indistinct chatter)

Oh, now what?

Dr. Becker,
want a laugh?

Listen to jake talk.

What's going on?

(slurring and lisping):
You bathtard.

At firtht, you
gave me an antibio'ic
that ma'e me itchy...

And then you give me

An antihithamine that
made me thleepy...

Isn't it hysterical?

(mumbling)

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

From what I've been able
to piece together,

You gave him an antibiotic
that made him itchy,

Then an antihistamine
that made him sleepy...

And I smacked my head!
Right.

And he smacked his head,
you gave him something else

Which seems to be incompatible

With some seasickness medicine
he took.

Oh, and it did something
to his tongue.

No kidding.

Wh-wh-what
seasickness medicine?

Polomine.

Scopolomine?
Mm-hmm.

Well, why were you
taking scopolomine?

I had to go
thtaten island.

Anybody?

Staten island.

To vi'it my 'ou'in.

I definitely heard
the word "onion."

Wait, wait, wait, relax.

All right, all right,
I get it, I get it.

You had to take the ferry
to staten island to visit a...

An onion, and then,
and then you got seasick

So you took scopolamine.

Mm-hmm. Exac'ly.
Right.

Well, I'm afraid, jake,

There's nothing
I can do for you.

You know, you're just going
to have to stay on dry land

Until all the side effects
clear up.

Go thcrew yourthelf.

He said,
"go screw yourself."

I got it.
Thank you very much.

Aw, geez, are
you still here?

Look, becker, even though
the tests came back negative,

There's still
no explanation
for my symptoms.

We should start over.

(phone ringing)
bob, we're not starting over.

You're supposed
to be taking care of me.

(ringing continues)

Oh, for god's sake.

Doctor's office.

Oh, crap.

Come on, becker!

Look, julie, julie,
don't start with me.

I'm serious.
I'm not feeling so good.

Julie, could you
hold on one second?

Bob, your problems
are all in your head.

A brain tumor?!
Why didn't you tell me?!

Hey, ju-julie, julie, you've
really got to stop calling me.

This is driving me nuts.

Fine, you don't care.

Why can't I find someone
who understands me?

Who understands
my pain?

Hey, you know what,
hold on a second.

Bob, come here,
bob, bob, bob...

I think I just found

The understanding person
you've been looking for.

Here, talk to her.

Hello?

Burger and fries, reg.

Raw meat and a potato?

If it doesn't turn into
a burger and fries in
two days, call me.

Hey, it's more
than you did for me.

What's the matter with you?

You want to be sicker?

I just want my money's worth.

Reggie:
Hey, jake.

Oh, hey, jake,
you feeling better?

Mm, yeah, john,
I'm feeling much better,

No thanks to you.
What?

You know he almost killed me?

With you, at least
he made an effort.

It turned out
to be a very tricky case.

Yeah, right.

It was a boo-boo
on my pinkie.

Oh, you know something,
that's it.

You know, all I get
is hassles

Headaches and aggravation,
and for what--

Greasy food and stale mints?

As far as I'm concerned,

This whole barter system
is officially over.

Fine.
Fine.
Fine.

Yeah, from now on,

If you can't pay for it,
you suck it up and do without.

That's the tried-and-true system
of have and have-nots

That made this country great.

You're really
taking that?

Hey, free's free.

(phone ringing)

(machine clicks on)

Hi, this is julie,
leave a message.

(beep)

Julie, it's bob.

I keep calling,
but you never call me back.

I thought we had
something special.

Why are you avoiding me?

I need you so bad!

You know I have a bad liver.

(beep)

Julie: Freak.