Becker (1998–2004): Season 4, Episode 14 - V-Day - full transcript

Becker bores a bartender with a story about his ex-wife's wedding.

Let me ask you a question!

What number comes after eight?!

I don't know. Nine?

Yeah, there you go.

See, you're already
more qualified

To design this station
than the person who did it.

You know,
if it were me,

I'd put track nine
right next to track eight

Instead of around the corner
from track 14

Like these idiots decided to do.
Yeah, there's been a lot

Of construction. There used to
be a sign out there, I'm sorry.



Yeah, yeah, whatever, there's
always a reason, isn't there?

Let me have, let me have three
scotches there, will you?

Hmm, I like that.

Saves me work later.

Where is everybody?

It's valentine's day.

Look around.

Does this place say
romance to you?

Oh, boy.

Hmm.

So, what is your big holiday
around here?

Wednesday.

(chuckles)

What you reading there, a book?



It's the new john grisham.

I'd really like to finish it
before the movie comes out.

Why don't you want to talk?

You're a bartender, right?

You've been seeing
too many movies;

The kindly bartender
with the sympathetic ear.

It's just a cliché.

A rumor spread by alcoholics.

You know, I just thought that...

I'm going to fill you
in on my plan, okay?

I'm going to read my book
for about another hour,

Then I'm going to turn
on the knicks game.

Now, if you're still
here at that point

And you want to say something
to me about the game, like

"nice shot," "bad call,"
feel free.

Unless you're not a knicks fan,

In which case you can
just shut up altogether, okay?

We should be on the same page.

Which is where I've been
since you came in.

I was supposed to watch
that knicks game.

Oh, sweet death.

You know, if today had gone
the way it was supposed to,

I'd be on my way home
right now to watch it,

But oh, no, no,
that'd be me doing something

I wanted to.

You know, I mean,
this morning, you know,

I, I go to the same diner
I always go to every day.

Reg, coffee, please.

Ah, john, hey, are we still on

To watch
the knicks game tonight?

Absolutely.

I figure we'll order
some pizza.

Oh, by the way, if anyone asks,

It's your birthday.

We'll get it for half price
that way.

What about valentine's day?

All:
What about it?

Well, becker, I know
you don't care

Or have anyone who does care,

But, jake, what about amanda?

It's the first valentine's day
since you've been married,

Divorced,
and back together again.

You know, they should
make a card for that.

Jake:
Amanda doesn't care

About valentine's day.

That's one of the things
we have in common:

A shared hatred
for all things fake and tacky.

Valentine's day is not tacky.

Aw, come on.
You hate valentine's day.

Not anymore.

Look, I got flowers.
Ah,

Sorry, I just assumed that
you'd sent those to yourself

Like you did last year.

I never sent
myself flowers.

Reg, come on, it's us.

Well, I didn't send these.

It's the first
valentine's day

That I have a date.

He's really handsome,
his name is scott,

And he has a job.

Well, it's a big deal to me.

What about you, bob,
any big plans tonight?

So far I got
about 12 hooks in the water.

I like to cast a wide net
and then see what I catch.

So you're trolling for dates?

Actually, it's more like
fishing with dynamite.

Toss a couple of sticks
in the water, let it blow up,

And then see what floats
to the top.

Great story.
Thanks for sharing.

You know how long
I had to sit there

And talk about fishing?
Yeah?

25 minutes.

I wanted to kill myself.

I know the feeling.

Now, if you don't mind,
I'm gonna get back to my book.

Yeah, you're right,
you're right.

Boring story, anyway.

I'm only going
to my ex-wife's wedding--

A woman who cheated on me
every chance she got.

I don't even know why
I divorced her.

I should have just murdered
her and framed my lawyer

Like the guy in the book
you're reading.

Okay, this better be good.

So, why on earth
would you want to go

To your ex-wife's wedding?

I didn't want to.
It was my nurse margaret.

Whenever she wants me to do
something I don't want to do,

She gives me this look.

What look?

What?

I was looking through your
desk and I found this.

An invitation to your
ex-wife's wedding.

Oh. Well, what the hell
are you doing

Going through my desk?

It's the only way

That I find out what's
going on around here.

Oh...
Sandra lives
in connecticut,

Which means that you're going
to have to leave early.

Margaret...
Which means
that I am going

To have to reschedule
all the patients.

No, you don't.

Why don't you
ever tell me anything?

M-margaret...
The wedding is tonight.

It doesn't matter.

How are you going
to pull this off?

Easy.

I'm not going.

Oh, did you send
in the rsvp card?

Yes, I did send
in the rsvp card.

Oh, okay, then, so she knows
that you are not coming.

Uh, no, no,
not exactly.

I sent the card in
on a day when I thought

I might have wanted to go.

Now I don't feel that way,
so I'm not going.

Oh, you said you're going,
so you have to go.

You are going.
End of story.

Wait a minute now,
she works for you?

Yeah.

Sounds more like
you work for her.

Feels that way, too.

Still, she does have
a point, though.

You sent in the card.

It's kind of rude
not to show up.

Kind of rude of my ex-wife
to cheat on me,

Take half my money.

Hmm, I've been there.

Didn't mind the
cheating so much,

But the money really
hurts, doesn't it?

It's a pattern in my life--

Giving money to people
who don't deserve it.

It's 10:30.
I'm going to lunch.

Whoa, whoa.

You just got here.

I know, but I have a date.

You also have a job.

I have an early lunch date,
a late lunch date,

One at dinner,
and one around midnight.

Wow, linda, you really take
valentine's day seriously.

Oh, it's valentine's day?

Wait, wait, wait,
hold on.

I need your help.

Now that someone
is leaving early

To go to his ex-wife's wedding,

We've got a lot of work to do.

No, you don't.

There's no way in hell
I'm going to that wedding,

And that's final.

So, judging from
your attire,

You're either 50 years
late for the prom

Or you lost
the battle.

I lose a lot of battles.

Too many women in my life.

You know,
margaret's right.

You should have never
sent that card in.

Now you have to go.

She already paid
for your dinner.

Did you see
my divorce settlement?

I think I paid
for my own dinner.

Hell, I think I paid
for everyone's dinner.

Becker, would it help
if you had a date?

Because, you know,
I'd do that for you.

You would?

Absolutely...

If I didn't already have
a date with scott.

Did I tell you I have
a date with scott?

Look at my flowers.

Look at my chocolates.

What the hell does that have
to do with anything?

Nothing. I just want
you to look.

Okay, yes, I sent her flowers,

But I did not know
she was your wife.

Geez, you follow a woman
around the supermarket
for half an hour,

You think you know her.

(sighs)

Well, so far that's three noes,

Two "get losts,"
and one married guy

Who suggests I go on a date
with myself.

I'm paraphrasing.

Hey, jake, you ready for
some basketball tonight?

Well, it looks like
I might not make it.

Turns out amanda
isn't so indifferent

To valentine's day
after all.

What happened?
I thought she didn't care.

So did I,
but I got the impression

That she changed her mind

Somewhere between the words
"heartless bastard"

And "rot in hell."

Well, amanda sounds
really pissed.

Maybe you should
bring her something.

A necklace maybe.

Sounds like she's already
wearing something of his

Around her neck.

What's that supposed
to mean?

Bob's just jealous
that you have a woman

To push you around
and he doesn't.

You know what?
That's it.

I'm going home,
I'm telling amanda

That she can't tell me
what to do.

I don't care if it is
valentine's day.

There you go.

Jake, that's a men's room.

Yeah, I know.

I need time to think
of what I'm going to say.

So, becker, if none
of my prospects pan out,

Can I come over
and watch the game with you?

You know, bob,
I don't care what you do.

Hey, that's the closet
I've gotten to a yes all day.

It's a date.

Hey, beautiful.

Hey... You.

Oh, chocolates.
Can I have one?

Oh, no.

These are not to be eaten.

They are to be saved
and treasured.

That way, for the rest
of my life,

I can remember
what a great day today was.

That's exactly why
I keep the hamster

That jimmy fisher gave me
in the fifth grade.

It's still alive?

Yeah, he calls me
every few months.

I can't get rid of him.

So, when are you leaving
for the wedding?

I'm not going.

But you have to.
Margaret said so.

Why is it so hard
for everyone to understand

I'm not going?
I don't want to go.

I don't want to go
to connecticut.

I don't want to see sandra.

I don't want to walk
into a room full of people

And have them talk about me
all night.

Well, they'll talk about you
more if you don't go.

There'll be hundreds
of people.

They won't even notice.

Of course they will.

You know that table by the
door with the place cards?

Yours is going to be the only
one that no one picked up.

Everyone's going to be looking
at that lonely little card.

"dr. John becker,
ex-husband.

Too afraid to
show his face."

I don't care.

Well, if you don't go,
they're going to think

You gained a
hundred pounds.

I don't care.

Or they'll think
you were arrested.

I don't care.

Or they'll think you
turned out to be gay.

I don't care.

Or they'll think that you're
still in love with her.

I don't care.

What'd you just say?

They'll think that you're
still in love with her.

Oh, all right, I'll go!

So basically you're going
to your ex-wife's wedding

To prove that you're not
still in love with her?

Something like that.

I'd go to my ex's funeral, but
only to make sure she was dead.

Hey, you want to
make that 5:15,

You'd better get
out of here.

That's all right.

I'll catch the next one.

That way I'll miss
the uncomfortable

Milling around part
before the wedding.

I hate that part.

It's the worst--
you got to talk to people

And tell them
how good they look,

Which is hard 'cause they
haven't served the drinks yet.

Yeah, they always wait
to serve the liquor

Till after the ceremony.

The church is the part you
need to get loaded for.

I completely forgot
about the ceremony.

Ugh, knowing sandra,
she probably wrote her own vows.

There may not be enough alcohol
in the world

To get me through that.

But let's try, shall we?

You're not going to believe
margaret and linda.

I mean, they already got
my train ticket.

They rented my tux.

Now they're out buying a gift.

Women-- they just
hear the word "wedding"...

Becker, we all have to do things
we don't want to do.

I know sandra's wedding
is probably bringing up

A lot of issues for you,
so I just want you to know,

If there's anything
that you want to talk about...

Oh, my god, is that for me?!

Look, becker,
look what I got.

Could you sign here, please?

Isn't it a wonderful day
to be in love?

I wouldn't know.

I've been divorced three times
and I'm drowning in alimony.

That's why I had
to take this crappy job.

So-- and they make me say this--

Have a "bear-y" special day.

Thank you. You, too.

(groans)

"can't wait for tonight."

Isn't he so sweet?

Scott's just the best.

"I wuv you"?

Wait a minute. What?

The bear.

It says, "I wuv you."

"I wuv you."

I hate those stupid bears.

Yeah, what kind of guys
send those things?

"woosers."

Well, that's the type
that reggie attracts.

Yeah?

She's pretty, got a good head
on her shoulders,

But when it comes to men,
she's a mess.

Scott, scott, scott.

You were doing so well.

Why did you have to
throw it all away

On an "I wuv you" bear?

He doesn't even know
what wuv is.

So you're dumping the guy?

I have to.

This isn't just a bear, this
is a plush omen of doom.

The kind of guy
who sends this

Is the kind of guy
who cries after sex,

Who leaves a poem
on your pillow,

Who, every time
you're at a movie

And a baby comes onscreen,
squeezes your hand.

Why do I always attract
guys like that?

Well, maybe it's the ads
you're answering.

I don't answer ads.

Reg, come on, it's us.

Hey, guys.

Hey, jake.

Oh, good, you're here.

Listen, things with me
and amanda are cool.

I laid down the law,
I told her

She has to accept
that I have friends

And that I'm going to do
what I'm going to do,
valentine's day or not.

Actually, I kind of
got suckered into going

To this wedding,
jake, so I can't...

Oh, thank god, all right,
I'd better get home

Before she trashes the place.

That jake guy sounds
totally whipped.

Yeah, he's got to learn
how to stand up for himself.

I mean, she treats him
like a little boy.

Hold still!

You got shmutz
on your cheek.

Margaret, come on,
leave me alone, will you?

Don't forget
your gift.

Oh. What did I get her?

Just what she always wanted:
A gravy boat.

That's the worst gift
I've ever heard.

It was the cheapest thing
on the registry.

Oh, then, good job.

Okay, all right, let's,
let's get a look at you.

Oh.

John, brown shoes?

It's bad enough
wearing rented pants;

I'll be damned if
I'll stick my foot

In some other
man's shoe.

That's why I don't bowl.

You don't bowl because

Those little girls
made fun of you.

Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

You were bowling, and little
girls made fun of you?

First of all,
bowling's stupid.

Second of all,
when I was leaning over

To release the ball,

I heard my pants rip,
so I stood up quickly

And got a little dizzy.

Long story short,
I ended up sitting

On some little girl's
birthday cake.

Were the candles lit?

That's why I said,
"long story short."

Look at you.

Who'd have thought

You'd clean up so well?

Linda:
Yeah, it's true
what they say.

A tuxedo can make
anyone look good.

And... I'm very proud of you
for going.

I know it's not an easy thing
for you to do.

Oh. Oh, thank you, linda.

Hurry up, john.

You're going to miss your train.

Yeah.

Do I really have to go?

Yes.

Because if you don't,
people will think that...

I still love her.

Told you, margaret.

Well, that was a very
interesting story.

Yeah, I'm not finished.

I know, but the game's on.

Well, I can take a hint.

Not really.

I get it,
I get it.

You're sick of me.

Who wouldn't be?

I just wasted an hour of your
time feeling sorry for myself.

If you're going to make that
wedding, you'd better get going.

I'm in no rush.

Just watch your game.

Pretend I'm not here.

Tried that.

You're not going, are you?

I...

Maybe that linda
was right.

Maybe you are still in love
with your ex-wife.

No, no, I'm not.
Then what is it?

I don't want to walk
into a room full of people

All staring at me,
thinking the same thing:

That she's moved on
and I haven't.

And I know that's
what they're thinking

'cause that's what I'm thinking.

I'm still alone
and sandra's getting married.

Sounds to me like
you're married.

What?

(muting tv)

Okay, we're in
a commercial.

Let's start with the
girl in the diner.

Reggie?
Right, reggie.

Look, it's easy to find someone
who will listen to you,

But she seems to actually care
about you.

That's hard to find, trust me.

Then there's
that jake guy

You were supposed to
watch the game with.

Sounds like a
pretty good friend.

Could be your best friend.

And what about linda?

At the office she
drives you crazy,

But obviously admires
the hell out of you.

And that nurse...

Margaret.

Right, margaret.

She's really tough on you,

But I think she's
looking out for you.

Now, you put all those
people together,

You got yourself
a great wife.

You know, I never thought
of it that way.

Yeah. In fact, I think

You're more married to your
wife than I am to mine.

Yeah, except for the sex.

Like I said...

You know something,
you may be right.

Thank you.

Yeah, yeah. You know, you'd
really better get going.

Your train leaves
in ten minutes.

Really?

Okay, 20. I just really
want to watch the game.

Where have you been?

What are you doing here?

The game started an hour ago.

We were supposed
to watch it together.

So?

So you didn't even call.

Are you out of your mind?

I was really looking forward to
this evening and you ruined it.

I made sandwiches.

Really?

What kind?

Turkey, roast beef, and salami.

I didn't know what you wanted.

Oh.

I'm sorry,
I-I-I forgot we had plans.

Yeah, why do I even bother?

Would it help if
I gave you a gift?

I don't know. Maybe.

A gravy boat.

Doesn't make it all right,
but it's a start.

Happy valentine's day.

Happy valentine's day
to you, too, bob.

Here, I fixed you a plate.

Thanks.

(cheering and applause
over television)

And I suppose
if you wanted me to know

Why you're wearing
a tuxedo,

You would've told me.

I was supposed to go to a...

I don't want to talk about it.

Okay, fine.

We'll talk about it later.

Let's just forget
about all of this

And finish watching
the game.

Get your feet
off the table.