Becker (1998–2004): Season 2, Episode 8 - Stumble in the Bronx - full transcript

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Hey, Jake, do me a favor.

I need help with an assignment
for my psychology class.

If this is ink blots,
I can tell you right now,

this is not going to end well.

No, it's a simple word
association test.

You got a minute?

Well, let me check
my schedule here.

Seven a.m., cut strings
on newspapers.

Six p.m., go home.

Yeah, I think I can
squeeze you in.



Great. Now, I'm gonna
say a word,

and you say the first thing
that pops in your mind.

Okay.
Okay.

Dog.

House.

Great. Doghouse.
Yeah.

Tree.

House.

House, again.

Interesting.

What's interesting?

What, that I said house twice?

Doghouse. Tree house.

Is there somethin' weird
about that?



No, Jake, house is fine.

If house is the first thing
that comes to your mind,

then house is what you say.

Let's move on.

Man.

Well, now I can't think
of anything but house.

Is that your answer?

I don't wanna do this anymore.

Tell me somethin'.
What is it about me

that makes people think
my only purpose on this planet

is to help them?

The letters M.D.
after your name?

This morning, I'm sound asleep.

Some little geek knocks
on my door

tryin' to sell me
some crappy chocolate bar.

Tryin' to help his school
go to Disneyland, you know.

I've been to Disneyland.
More kids is not the answer.

And on my way over here,
I gotta fight my way through

the gauntlet of bums
with their hands reaching out

to suck money out of me
like I'm a walking ATM.

Right now all I want to do
is be left alone

with a nice quiet cup of coffee

without anyone
asking me for help.

Can you help me out?

Is this that dream where my lips
move, but no sound comes out?

Come on, Becker, I need help
with my psych assignment,

and Jake's turned out to be
a borderline sociopath.

Well, fine, I'm sick
of bein' pushed around

like some damn lab rat.

( rings )
Coming.

Come on, Becker,
I'm just gonna say a word,

and you say the first thing
that pops in your mind.

Dog.
Leave.

Tree.
Me.

Man.
Alone.

Hey.

JAKE:
Oh, Reg, can you do me a favor?

Keep an eye on the counter,
will you?

I completely forgot.
I gotta go downtown,

renew my vendor's license.

You need a license
to sell papers?

Well, you have a license
to serve food, don't you?

Yeah.

JAKE:
Say, John, uh, you--
You wouldn't happen to be

drivin' downtown anytime soon,
'cause it'd really help me out

if you could get--
Oh, you too, Jake?

Just askin'.
Forget about it.

I'll take the train.

Jake.
Jerk.

Greetings, sports fans.

I bring news from
the divorce front.

The wife's lawyer has just given
Bob a financial colonic.

And might I say, ow!

Good thing Bob was prepared.

Hey,
w-w-what are you doing?

Th-th-that's for charity.

Tell me about it.

You're stealing
from the March of Dimes.

No, no, no, no.
This can's mine.

I put it here last week.

God bless you, sir.

Hey,
let me see this.

What is this?
"March of Mimes"?

Hey, come on, think of all
those poor schmucks

trapped in imaginary boxes.

Won't you help?

( blues theme playing )

Oh, good, no patients.
I can have a moment's peace.

Not so fast.

You have an office full
of paperwork to take care of.

Oh, and Mrs. Dunston called.
She wants to know if you could

write a letter to help her son
get into Harvard.

Who?
Oh, you remember Robby Dunston,

the kid who slammed his head
in the car door.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

How am I supposed to get
him into Harvard?

He can barely get
into a minivan.

John, be kind.

The boy only has one ear.

Yeah, a one-eared klutz
who can't get into a car

without bumping his head.

That sounds more like
Yale material.

Oh, while you're in a helping
mood, don't forget this Saturday

you promised to come
to my church

and speak to the single
mothers' group.

Oh, I just lectured
at your church.

That was last year.

And you spoke
about birth control.

Oh, yeah.
Fat lot of good it did.

What're you doing in here?

Okay, here's the thing.

I need your help.
Oh, you too?

Well, believe it or not,

I kind of glued myself
to your skeleton.

Now, before you get mad...

You're the one who told me

I should learn more
about anatomy and stuff.

So I was in here counting bones,
and his finger fell off.

So I glued it back on
with that super stuff,

which, by the way, really works.

And now I'm stuck to him,
and you're mad at me,

and then you're gonna yell
at me, and I'm sorry,

but I just don't know
what to do.

All right, all right, all right.

Look, j-just g-get some
nail polish remover.

Th-that should work.

Thank you, Dr. Becker.

( blues theme playing )

Mr. Pierson,
you're gonna be fine.

Just stay on that diet.
And about, uh--

About your other question.

Uh, I don't do
that kind of surgery,

but let me give you
some advice.

Before you invest
in penile enlargement,

why don't you try buying
a Corvette or something?

Let me tell you somethin'.
This day cannot end soon enough.

Okay, I'm out of here.
Good night, Margaret.

Good night.
( phone rings )

Doctor's office.

I'm not here. I'm not here.

Oh, he's right here.

It's Jake.

What?

John, I need your help.

Oh, you gotta be kidding me.
No, you gotta come and get me.

I fell asleep on the train,
and I totally missed downtown.

Well, ask somebody to help you.

I asked a guy.
He robbed me.

You're kidding me.
Oh, I'm sorry.

Well, grab a cab
and come to the office.

I'll pay the fare
when you get here.

No way. I'm not leavin'
this phone booth.

I'm in a neighborhood
where they rob blind people.

All right, all right.
Where are you?

I'm in Brooklyn. On the corner
of Kings Highway and Bedford.

Are you sure?

Well, yeah, the guy
that robbed me said so.

You took his word for it?

I also took his word for it
that he had a gun.

Come on, John,
you gotta come get me.

( blues theme playing )

BECKER:
Oh, yeah, yeah, I can understand
being afraid around here.

Now, let's see,
book store, art gallery--

Oh, my God, a boutique.

What'd he hold you up with,
a sharpened biscotti?

Sorry. Next time I'll arrange
for a ride before I get mugged.

MAN:
What, are you nuts?

Didn't you see me
backin' in here?

Hey, you didn't start backin' up
till you saw me pullin' in.

What's goin' on?
Nothing. Just keep walkin'.

I don't know what
it is about today.

I'm everybody's personal
assistant, you know.

"Help me with my van."
"Help me with my homework..."

Are you crazy?
That car's in the way!

"Help me unglue my fingers."

All day long,
"Help me, help me, help me."

( gunshot )

Help me.

Oh, oh, God.

( blues theme playing )

Excuse me, I'm looking
for a recent admission.

Dr. John Becker.

Arrogant pain in the ass.

If the jerk in 219 codes,

wait an hour or two
before you page me.

That's okay.
I know where he is.

So someone finally shot you.

I always thought
it'd be you, Margaret.

So did I.

Listen, as long as
Margaret's here,

I'm gonna get goin'.
And, uh, once again,

I feel really guilty I couldn't
help you more out there.

Well, don't feel
guilty about that.

Feel guilty that if it
weren't for you,

I wouldn't have been there
to get shot in the first place.

So basically you're saying
that as long as I feel guilty,

you're okay?

Well, not okay, but it helps.

He's all yours.
Goodbye, Jake.

Margaret.

So...
( clears throat )

how long do you have to stay?

Oh, I just got hit
in the shoulder

and fell down and cracked
a couple of ribs.

I should be able
to go home today,

but my control freak of a doctor
wants to keep me here forever.

You're callin' someone else
a control freak?

Heh, ooh, I pity
these poor people.

( toilet flushes )
Oh, you're gonna love this guy.

Thanks for the use
of the facilities.

I love that kind.

Lots of places to hold on.

Sorry, ma'am,
Detective Borkow, NYPD.

There's just a couple of details

I have to get straight
with you, sir. Uh...

Exactly what time did you leave
the drinking establishment

catering to homosexuals?

You were in a gay bar?

No. For the 50th time.

I got shot, I fell down,
and a couple of guys

pulled me into
the nearest place,

which happened to be a gay bar.

So it's gonna be like that.

Okay.

"Mayor Giuliani wants us
to inform you that the NYPD

believes alternative lifestyles
to be a wonderful part

of the rich tapestry

which is New York."

I told you, I was not
going to the bar.

I just happened to be walking
by with my friend.

Right.
Jake, your special friend.

Yes, he's special, but not--
Not the way you think.

He's blind special,
not special to me.

So you see other people?

Listen to me, will you?
Yes, I can see other people!

He can't!

Well, that doesn't seem fair.

Oh, you stupid--

John, John, John.

Look, maybe you should
come back another time.

You're right. Maybe when
he's not all juiced up on drugs.

Oh, jeez.

Not only can't they
catch the guy,

but now Detective Dipowitz
there makes me sound like

I'm the Staten Island Fairy.

Oh.

Just relax, John.

No one's ever gonna
hear about that.

Dr. Becker was shot
in a gay bar,

so we're gonna have
to reschedule your appointment.

Yes, it was a surprise
to me too.

I always knew he was repressing
something, but I had no--

Linda!

Don't tell people that.

That is not what happened.

It's not?

Well, he's gonna have
a lot of explaining to do.

You know, if you think about it,
Dr. Becker's pretty lucky.

He gets to be in the hospital.

I mean, people visit him.

He gets flowers,
balloons and candy.

He gets to lie in that electric
bed and watch TV all day long--

Linda, he was shot.

The glass is always half empty
with you, isn't it?

( blues theme playing )

Becker?

Becker?

Becker?

What?

It's me, Reggie.

You woke me up to tell me that?

Well, I came a long way,

and I kind of wanted credit
for the visit.

I'll be sure to put
a gold star after your name.

Now, go away.

Well, since I'm here,
how are you feeling?

I'm tired.

Like someone just woke me up.

Oh, look who's back.

That's right. Round two.

Why are giving my nurses
such a hard time?

They tell me you're refusing
your breathing treatments.

That's 'cause
I don't need them.

I have a lot of patients to
take care of in this hospital.

I don't have time to keep coming
up here to wet nurse you.

Fine. Let me go home.

When you're ready. If you won't
do it for yourself,

do it for
your family.

Oh, we're not related.

Well, aren't you the lucky one?

Listen, if you don't take
these treatments,

you're risking serious
pulmonary complications.

Do you understand that,
Mr. Becker?

That's Dr. Becker.

It could be Admiral Becker,
for all I care.

Now, listen,
you do what you're told,

or I'll get a couple of
orderlies from the jail ward

to come and help you.

I promise you,
if it hurts,

I'll give you something
to make the pain go away.

Yeah, you just want to knock me
out so I sleep all the time.

Ah, that would make
my pain go away.

You really bring out the best
in people, don't you?

Becker, why don't you
listen to her?

She seems like a good doctor.

Oh, please, she's abrasive,
over-cautious, and way too...

much the way she just was.
I hate that.

You know, Becker, anger is
a logical healthy response

to what you've been through.

It's the definitive emotion of
post-traumatic stress syndrome.

Oh, golly,
it must be Wednesday.

That-- That's when college girl
takes her psych class, right?

As much as I respect
the wisdom gleaned

from a couple of paragraphs
from Intro to Psychology,

do me a favor, will you?
Keep it to yourself.

Well, this has been fun.

Oh, look at you.

So weak, like a wounded bird.

Let me comfort you.
No, Bob.

Bob, you came up the stairs.

You wanna go out
through the window?

See you, Becker.

Bye.

Bob was stricken
when he heard about

your unfortunate
incident in, uh,

how shall I put it,

Club Grab-Ass.

Yeah, whatever.

I just threw
the flowers together.

Feel free to work your magic
with the arrangement.

You people seem to have
a knack for that.

Hey, did you know you got
an air bubble in your IV?

What?
Ha, ha, ha, made you look.

( blues theme playing )

It's time for
your medication, sir.

Just something
to help you rest.

You're kidding.

You woke me up to give me
a sleeping pill?

Doctor's orders.

You take it.

Yeah, maybe we can both
get some sleep.

( whimpers )

( speaking in foreign language )

Hi, Dr. Becker.

Never mind that crap.
Did you bring me a cigarette?

Well, I didn't think you were
allowed to smoke in here,

so I brought you a lot
of other fun stuff instead.

Here's a junky romance novel.

Look, it's Fabio.

And here's some candy,
a deck of cards, magazines,

Chinese checkers--

Oh, and here's one of those
things where you try to get

the BB's into the clown's eyes.

Good luck.
It's practically impossible.

Figured while you're up,
we'll change your linens.

Uh, now?

Did you catch the soaps today?
Hey, hey.

Daisy found out she has
that brain tumor,

and she still married Perry.
Hey, don't touch me.

I don't trust
that Daisy at all.

Perry's gonna find out she's
pregnant, and it's Drew's baby.

Oh, it can't be.
Drew's in love with Cheryl.

Oh, jeez, I'm in hell.
What the--?

Ow, ow, ow, ow.
Not this side.

They were locked in the cabin
during the blizzard.

It's not Drew's baby.
It's Perry's baby.

Drew shoots blanks.
( nurses gasp )

You're kidding.
I didn't know that.

( all talking indistinctly )

That's it! All right,
all right, everybody out!

Well... Mr.--
Now!

No, I don't care. Go!

Che, che, che, che, che.

Oh, you meant me too,
didn't you?

You think?

Sponge bath?

Do you remember last time?

Never mind.

( blues theme playing )

( blues theme playing )

I told you,
I just took my pulse.

It's strong and steady.

I agree.
Just keep it this way,

and in a couple of days
you can go home.

How about I go home now?

Believe me,
everyone in this hospital

wants you to go home now.

But you're still weak.

There could be complications.

I'm not gonna lie in this bed
for a couple of days

so you can cover your ass.

I am a trauma surgeon.

I'd ask that you defer
to my expertise

on treating gunshot wounds
as I would yours on, on say...

the sniffles.

You know something?

You surgeons are nothing more
than glorified mechanics.

You don't have the compassion
it takes to treat a real person.

Get me a real person in here,
I'd be glad to give it try.

But as long as you are my
patient, I give the orders.

I see what's goin' on here.

You know, I've been
running into your type

ever since med school.

My type?
Yeah.

Yeah, you're on a power trip.

You throw your weight around
here at the hospital

because you have nothing going
on in the rest of your life.

You know nothing
about my life.

Trust me.
You're not that complicated.

You're an arrogant,
opinionated control freak.

Me? You are the most stubborn,
infuriating pain-in-the-ass

that I have ever--

I can't believe I let you
get to me like that.

I apologize.

It's about time.

I see why you're acting
this way. You've been shot.

Your anger is understandable.

Don't-- You don't
understand me. I hate that.

You don't want to talk
to me, that's fine.

We have trained counselors
here in the hospital

who can help you
work through this.

I don't need to work
through anything.

I just need to get
the hell out of here.

As a matter of fact, that's
exactly what I'm gonna do.

You can't leave.
Oh, yeah?

Watch me.

You still have a hematoma
on your spleen.

If you walk out of here,
you could bleed to death

in 20 minutes.

Well, I'm just gonna
take my chances.

Goodbye.

Have it your way, doctor,

but you're signing yourself out
against medical advice.

And I have a feeling I'll be
seeing you again quite soon.

Idiot.

Quack!

( blues theme playing )

Taxi.

Oh, you saw me, you idiot!

Hey, John,
is that you?

Yeah, yeah, it's me.

JAKE:
I was comin' to see you.
Where you goin'?

I thought you'd be here
a couple more days.

Well, I'm not. I'm getting
the hell out of here.

As soon as I sit down
for a second.

Hey, are you okay?
You don't sound so good.

I'm fine.

I don't need some
power-hungry doctor

to tell me how I'm feeling.
I am a doctor.

I know how I feel.
I know, but you ought to let--

I don't need counseling
either, you know.

And I refuse to lie
in that stupid bed,

and be treated like
some helpless child.

You don't like to feel helpless?

What do you even know about it?

You know, why don't you try
cringing in a phone booth

because you're too afraid
to go walk out

on the street by yourself.

Or hear a gunshot and have
no idea where it came from.

Take this for a spin,

and then come talk to me
about feeling helpless.

Oh, jeez.

Do me a favor, will you?

Give me a hand here.

Thank you.

Taxi.

See you later, Jake.

( blues theme playing )

( upbeat blues theme playing )