Becker (1998–2004): Season 2, Episode 7 - He Said, She Said - full transcript

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Linda, any messages?

Yup.

Oh, what are they?

It's just the usual
patient stuff.

Uh, blah, blah,
blah, neck.

Blah, blah, blah, stomach.
Wh--

Blah, blah, blah, eww.

Oh, this one's okay.

It's from a friend
of a friend of yours

who's in town
and wants to get together.



Oh, no, friends of friends
only want money or favors,

and I don't even do those
for people I like.

You like someone?

Yeah, just--

If he calls here again,
lose him.

It wasn't a him,
it was a her.

I'm sure she won't
call here again.
Good.

Because I gave her your number
at home and at the diner.

Oh, that--
That's great.

I-I suppose you gave her
my pager number too, right?

Of course, I'm not incompetent.

Margaret.

Maria.

It is so good
to see you.



Oh, you too.

I didn't know
you were coming in.

Well, my allergies just flared
up, can you squeeze me in?

No problem,
just go on back to Room 1.

I'll tell
the doctor you're here.

Oh, Margaret, listen,
it's been ages.

Why don't we
have lunch tomorrow?

Great, I'd love to.

I can't stand that woman.

Why? She seems so nice.

Did you ever
do someone a favor,

and then they act
like it never happened?

Oh, yeah, I hate that.

One time this French guy
I knew wanted to be a citizen,

so I married him.

I let him live in my place
and everything.

Then right after he got his
green card, he just took off.

No merci,
no beaucoup, no nothing.

Just an apartment full of B.O.

Well, this is worse.

Three years ago,

I loaned her
$20 to buy a pair of shoes,

and she never paid me back.

You're upset about 20 bucks
from three years ago?

That's not even
seven bucks a year.

Which is only like...

Thirteen cents a week.

Which is only 1.8 cents a day.

That's hardly anything.

You did that in your head?

You can't even figure out
daylight-savings time.

Think about it, Margaret.

Where does that hour go?

( blues theme playing )

( blues theme playing )

( laughing )

What's so funny?
Sh, sh, sh, sh, sh.

Nothin'.
Yeah, nothin'.

Oh, come on,
what is it?

I'm not gonna tell you.

Why not?
Because it's a secret.

You can't keep a secret.

Now, why would you say that?

Name one secret
that I didn't keep.

Oh, easy, you told me
John likes the Backstreet Boys.

Jake, I told you that
in confidence.

Say, I-I merely pointed out a
couple of their songs are, uh,

c-catchy.

So it's true?

Oh, you're dead to me.

Besides, why are you
singling me out?

Jake blabbed too.

Forget it, forget it,
you know, you can't be expected

to keep a secret
being a woman.

Being a woman?

Oh, please, put the flag away.

You know, it's-- It's been that
way since the beginning of time.

Read the Bible.

You know,
Garden of Eden.

Eve shot her big mouth
off about the apple.

Biggest secret of all time,

she blows it on page two.

As usual,
you've got the story wrong.

You wanna know Eve's problem?

She hooked up with a loser
with no clothes and no job.

She got you there,
John.

Excuse me.

John Becker?
Yeah.

I'm Nicky Conroy.

We have a mutual friend.

Oh, you're the, uh,
friend of a friend, right.

Yeah, I have regards
from Chuck Turner.

Chuck Turner from high school?

You're a friend
of Chuck Turner's?

Hey, Jake,
you know who this is?

A friend of Chuck Turner's?

This is amazing.
You know,

I-I haven't heard from Chuck
for about 20 years or so.

What's--? Sit down here.
Sure.

How do you know Chuck?

We work for the same
publishing company in L.A.

This is amazing.

I mean, we-- We go way back.

You know, we had our first
cigarette together.

Our first six-pack,
our first sex.

Well, not--
Not, uh--

Not together.
We were in separate cars.

So, how's he doin'?

Gee, you know,
there's so much to tell.

Um, if you're free for lunch,
I'll fill you in on everything.

Oh, yeah, no,
I can't, I'm busy.

Um, how about dinner?
I don't have any plans.

Wait, you do too,
you're takin' me to Queens

to see my grandmother.

Oh, come on, Jake,
your grandma's 97 years old.

I mean, she--
She'll keep for another week.

What-- What do you say, dinner?
Great.

Well, I should be going.

All right, all right.

Yeah, uh, actually,
I'm on my way too.

I gotta stick a camera
up some guy's butt.

Uh, Chuck mentioned
I was a doctor, right?

Ha, no,
but I'm glad you just did.

( blues theme playing )

Hey, how was your lunch
with the shoe lady?

Did you get
your 20 bucks back?

I did not.

And believe me,
I dropped enough hints.

I talked about shoes so much
the people at the next table

thought I had a fetish.

I could wait till
Jesus comes back,

and she still wouldn't
give me my 20 bucks.

Don't ask.

Don't care.

Linda, I'm gonna
take a late lunch.

So call me at Rinaldi's
if there's an emergency.

And I don't mean gum
in your hair like last time.

Oh, by the way,
that lady who called?

Yeah?
I fixed everything.

I called her hotel and I left
a message that you were dead.

Hi, John.

That's her, isn't it?

Yeah, how'd you know?

I'm having that kind of life.

( blues theme playing )

So, uh, what's with you
and this Nicky?

It's been three days now,
dinner, lunches, drinks.

It's been great.

She's goin' back
to L.A. tomorrow.

So have you two,
uh...?

If you're asking whether
or not we slept together,

the answer's no.

So far, we've just
been hangin' out.

You know,
the best part, you know--

You know how some people
complain about me?

Yeah, if by some people
you mean everyone?

Yeah.

Well, you know,
she doesn't.

She just leaves me alone.

N-No bitching,
no pressure, nothing.

Huh.
Sh, sh, sh.

Oh, grow up, I could care less

about your stupid
little secrets.

Why was
that a secret?

It wasn't, I'm just screwin'
with her.

( both laugh )

Anybody in here own that puke
green car parked out front?

It is not puke green,
it's avocado.

It was a very big color
in the 70's.

Yeah, well, whatever it is,
it's being towed, pal.

Why didn't you
say something, you idiot?

I'll be right back, someone's
trying to steal my car, hey!

Well, unless there's change
in the ashtray, I don't get it.

Can I get you something?

No, thanks,
I'm just meeting John.

We're going
to a Jets game.

Boy, you two certainly
have hit it off.

Well, he's just
so much fun to be with.

Becker?

Well, different strokes.

Look, you-- You seem
to know him pretty well.

And since we've got a minute,
I could use some advice.

Can you keep a secret?

A secret? Absolutely.

Wait a minute, did Becker
put you up to this?

Actually, he's who
I'm keeping the secret from.

Then I'm your girl.

When I told John I had regards
from his old friend Chuck,

that wasn't exactly true.

They were
kind of regards from me.

What are we
talking about?

I'm the guy John used to know.

What are we
talking about?

I used to be Chuck Turner.

I had a sex change operation.

Oh, my God.

You look fabulous.
( chuckles )

Are you and Becker
really the same age?

Actually, I'm two months older.

Great work.

Oh, thanks.

See, I'm trying to find out
a way to tell him, you know.

I mean,
I thought maybe I--

Damn cops, you know, first
they nail me for expired plates.

So I take the plates off,
they nail me again.

What the hell
do they want?

Sorry, you ready
for some football?

I was born ready.

Have fun, guys.

( blues theme playing )

( blues theme playing )

Hey, Jake?
Yeah?

Never mind.

Jake?
Yeah?

Oh, forget it.

Can I ask you
a question?

Evidently not.

Okay.

Say somebody knows
something about somebody.

And that somebody doesn't
want somebody else to know it.

The question is, should
the somebody keep the secret,

even though somebody else might
really get their feelings hurt?

What are we talking about?

Okay.

I know something
about Nicky,

but she made me promise
not to tell Becker.

And it's big.

Really big.

( chuckling )
What is she, a guy?

Oh, my God!

( blues theme playing )

You know, I can't believe how
pissed that hotdog guy was

when you gave him
the big foam finger.

Yeah, well,
that hotdog guy's problem

began the day
he became the hotdog guy.

Want a beer?

Sure.

Uh, bottle's fine.

Yeah, you're probably right.

I think a pen broke
in there or something.

Here you go.

Thanks.

I gotta tell you somethin',
you know, this--

Last couple of days
have just been great.

You know, I feel like
I can be myself around you.

Well, you seem to be
yourself with everyone.

Well, yeah, but it doesn't
seem to bother you.

Well, I try to accept
people the way they are

in the hopes that they'll
do the same for me.

You know what would
go great with this?

Chinese food.

Wow, you like Chinese food,
beer, football.

I mean, you're like
the perfect woman.

You know, Nicky...

I-I-I don't usually--

John.

Oh, boy, I'm sorry.

I'm not--
I'm not very good at this.

I'm terrible at it.
No, no, John.

Look, there's something
I need to talk to you about.

I should've
told you before.

It's about me and Chuck.

Oh, w-- Are--

Are you and Chuck,
like a thing?

Yeah, but not
the way you think.

John?

I am Chuck.

What?

I had a sex change operation.

What?

Beck, it's me.

Holy crap.

Oh, but, no, wait a minute,
this is--

No, y-you-- You've got--

You mean, you and now you?

Yes.

Oh, my God.

Oh, no, no, well,
wait a second.

Wait a second-- Wait.

If-- If you're Chuck,
w-where's the scar you got--

When you tried to steal third
and you slid into my head I--

Cover it with makeup.

But you had a broken nose.

Well, with all
the work I had done,

do you think I was gonna
live with that nose?

God, wait--
Whoa, whoa.

This is too weird.

I mean, come on, we used
to play football together,

and now you're-- You're sitting
on my sofa wearing makeup?

John, I hoped you of all
people would understand.

Well, you thought wrong,
I don't understand.

I don't under--
I don't even wanna understand.

Look, John, can't we just talk?
No, lis-- You know.

You-- You came
in here pretending--

Do you realize that--

You know somethin', I--
You better go.

Go on.

So much for accepting people
the way they are.

( blues theme playing )

( blues theme playing )

Oh, God,
Maria's on the way in.

Whatever she wants,
you handle it.

Oh, come on, Margaret.

Why don't you
just ask her for the money?

I mean, you've already
put it off for three years.

That's 1095 days.

Which is twenty-six thousand,
two hundred and--

Knock it off, Rain Man.

I'll talk to her.

Hey, Margaret.

I just wanted
to stop by and tell you

what a lovely time
I had yesterday.

Yeah, that's nice,
glad to hear it.

Maria.

Do you remember
a pair of suede shoes

you bought three years ago?

Excuse me?

Oh, come on,
you got 'em at Macy's.

Taupe, two-inch heels.

Square toes.

Oh, right.

Yeah, but I returned
those the next day,

got my money back.

Why?

Twenty dollars
of that money was mine.

You borrowed $20 from me
to buy those shoes.

Oh, no,
I am so embarrassed.

Oh, I-I-I'm gonna pay
you back right now.

No, no, no, Maria,
it's not about the money.

Ha!

I just wanted to clear the air.
Nonsense.

I am paying you.
No, don't be ridiculous.

I'm sorry I mentioned it.

Oh, okay.

You are so sweet.

( giggles )
I'll see you soon.

Oh, that'll be great.

Bye.
Bye.

Did you see what she did?

Yeah, she tried
to pay you back, twice.

Everybody knows
that it goes in threes.

Someone offers to pay,
you say no.

They offer a second time.

You say no again.

Then they are supposed
to offer a third time.

That's when you give in
and take the money.

That's the rule.

Oh, Dr. Becker,
I'm so sorry

I told your girlfriend
you were dead.

If she comes back in here again,
I promise I'll be nice to her.

A, she's not my girlfriend.

B, I never wanna
see her again.

And C, if she shows up here,
tell her to get lost.

Jeez, what's with
the mood swings?

Your time of the month?

You know, Linda.

That's a very
insensitive comment.

Hi, Linda, I'm just dropping
off coffee for Becker.

Well, I'm not really
dropping off coffee,

but I can't tell you
why I am here.

You know what?
Let's just forget we talked.

I've never felt so normal
in my entire life.

( knocking )

What are you doin' here?

You didn't come by for your
coffee this morning.

Your coffee stinks.

Yeah, but if you don't keep
building up your immunity,

someday someone
could kill you with it.

Do you got a minute?

Yeah, why?

Well...

There's something I have
been trying to decide

whether I should
tell you or not,

and, well, I really
think I should.

I know something about Nicky,
and I think you should know.

You know?

Wait, you know?

How-- How did you know?

Oh, I could just tell.

You could?

No, she told me.

Oh, great,
does everybody know?

Not everybody.
I know, Jake knows--

Jake knows?

Jake guessed.
He guessed?

Oh, great, what,
does the whole world know

that I'm dating some woman
who used to be guy?

They do now.

I cannot believe this.

You didn't think it was
important enough to tell me?

It was a secret.

Which, by the way,
you'll note, I kept.

Even though I'm a woman.

Well, what kept?
You ran over here to tell me.

Oh, yeah.

But I didn't, did I?

In fact, I kept Nicky's
secret longer than Nicky did,

and it was her secret.

Yeah, that works.

You know, if I weren't
dealing with the fact that

I-I-I've been dating some guy
whose jock I used to borrow,

I-I'd pat you on the back.

Oh, what is it?

Are you upset 'cause
you were attracted to her?

I was not attracted to her.

Little defensive, but okay.

So, what happened
when she told you?

I threw her out. Him out.

Both of them.

Becker, why can't you accept
Nicky for who she is?

She accepts you for who you are,
and that's a lot more difficult.

I know all this liberal crap.

I know I'm not supposed
to be creeped out, but I am.

Look, I understand.

But, you know,
she was your friend once,

and I-I don't really see
what the difference is now.

You know
what I mean.

All--

All right, all right, I'll--
I'll go talk to her.

Good.

And if you do--

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I'll be nice.

You couldn't have just
been gay like everybody else?

I mean, you don't blow into town
and drop a bombshell like that.

I mean, use the telephone.

You know, or fax or e-mail.

I bet--
I bet Hallmark even has a card

that says,
"Guess what? I'm a chick."

Or how about one
of those Christmas letters

where people rattle off
every stupid thing

that's happened
to 'em all year?

It would've been one of the
first interesting one

of those ever written.
Get--

It's hard enough to do this

without you standing
there holding a bra.

It's a camisole.

Just put it down.

God, you know sometimes--
If you weren't a girl,

I'd take a swing at you.

Don't let the skirt fool you,
I can still kick your ass.

All right, all right,

you don't have to get
all bent out of shape.

Look, maybe I could of handled
it better,

but I tried the direct approach
with my other friends.

It was the last time
they ever talked to me.

What if I had kissed you?

I wasn't going
to let you kiss me.

Why not?
What-- What's wrong with me?

Oh, no--

Don't answer that.

You see how confusing
this is?

Imagine what it was like
for an eighth grader.

You're kidding me.

You knew even back then?

I sure knew somethin'
wasn't right.

It just took me all this time to
figure out what to do about it.

I'm a woman,
I always was.

I was just born in the wrong
package, so I fixed that.

I can't believe
you're still in there.

I can't believe you still
wear those knit ties.

Yeah, well, when I have
something I like, I keep it.

Cute.

So what now?

I don't know, I tell you,
I have a lot of questions.

Well, you're gonna
have to make it quick

because I've got
a plane to catch.

All right, I'll go right
to the head of the list here.

( clears throat )

Should I be at all concerned

that I was attracted to a man?

Why don't you
think of it this way--

You were attracted
to an old friend.

Good, I'm gonna go with that.

Are you, look--?
Are you--?

You sure this was
the right thing to do?

Yeah, John, I really am.

You're okay? You're happy?

I'm happy.

Well, good,
you know, that's the--

Good.

I don't know what else to say.

How about "Call me next time
you're in New York"?

Yeah, all right,
why don't you do that?

Give me a call.

Thanks, man.

Oh.

( blues theme playing )

( upbeat blues theme playing )