Becker (1998–2004): Season 2, Episode 9 - Hate Thy Neighbor - full transcript

( upbeat blues theme playing )

BECKER:
Hold it.

Take me back.

I'm really hurting here.

John? What's going on?

Help me, man.

Hey, hey, 3.50.

Three-fifty?

We only went 20 yards.

And back. Three-fifty.

Yeah, yeah, here's
the stupid money.



And, uh, let me
give you a tip too.

Why don't you buy one of those
pine-tree air fresheners?

And hang it around your neck!

Yeah, there you--
Ow, ow, ow!

Hey, you okay?
Jeez.

I'm doing a lot worse
than I thought.

Help me inside, will you?

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Hurry up, Margaret. Get me
a cigarette. I'm dying here.

Oh, I'm gonna go
to hell for this, John.

You can't smoke in a hospital.
Yeah, right.

You couldn't get high
in my freshman dorm either.

Open the window
for me, will you?
Oh.

All right, I'll fire this up.



You watch the door.

Mm. Oh, God, yes. Mm.

( clears throat )
Hey, relax, will you?

I'm blowing it
out the window.

Smoking in a hospital.

You're an even bigger
ass than I thought.

She brought them.

Look, I can explain. I--
Oh, it's okay.

I know how he can be.

Give me that.

Here.

( Becker groans )

So it appears I was right
about you not being ready

to leave the hospital.

I wouldn't mind
hearing an apology.

Ha!

He owes me one.

He owes everybody one.

Oh, all right.

It's not inconceivable
that your assessment

of my medical condition,

both from a physical
and emotional standpoint,

was not entirely,

and only inasmuch as it
applies to last night,

without merit.

Even without a cigarette,
he's still blowing smoke.

A-All right. You--

You were right.
I was wrong.

Now, when do I
get out of here?

In a few days.

It'll be at least a week
before you can go back to work.

What?
Oh, relax, John.

I already called
the referral agency,

and they're sending someone
over to fill in for you.

No, you can't replace me
with just anybody.

My patients trust me.
They know me.

They certainly do.

The police are checking them
out as possible suspects.

Well, I-I--

( upbeat blues theme playing )

You're late.

I have lived in New York
my whole life,

and I thought that
I had seen it all.

But this morning, there was
a cow on the subway tracks.

What happened?
Now, uh-uh.

Eww.

Is the new doctor here yet?

Yes. His name is Dr. Clark,
and he's so nice.

He's not like
Dr. Becker at all.

He seems to actually
like people.

Well, the agency gave him
very high marks.

You know, he's a retired
pediatrician.

Oh, Dr. Clark,
this is Margaret Wyborn.

Oh, yes, we spoke
on the phone.

Nice to meet you, doctor.

So here comes
the big brave boy.

Now, this nice lady is gonna run
a little test on your tinkle.

So we can make
your boo-boo all better.

Now here's your lolly.

Uh, yeah.
I gotta be going.

Call me if you have
any problems making doody.

Cute kid.

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Hey!

Anybody out there?

I've been waiting here
for hours.

Hey!

The man across the hall
came out of an eight-year coma

to ask that
you please shut up.

I've been waiting
for a wheelchair,

but apparently the nurses
are all too busy

neglecting other patients.

Actually, they're busy
planning a party

in honor of your leaving.

Which means that
as of this moment,

you are officially
no longer my patient.

Free at last.

Sorry I'm late, Becker.

They set up a big sheet cake
at the nurses' desk,

and I stopped and had a piece.

Stop flapping your lips.
Get my stuff and let's go.

Why exactly did you
save his life?

Had to. Took an oath.

Why'd you volunteer
to take him home?

Had to. Lost a coin toss.

Come on, Becker, let's go.

Goodbye, Dr. Becker.
Stay healthy.

Please.

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Is the new doctor here yet?

He just called
from his cell phone,

and I think
he's on his way.

You're not sure?

The connection was really bad,

and I couldn't quite understand
what he was saying.

Oh, hello, doctor.
Hello.

I'm Margaret, the office
manager, and this is Linda.

( foreign accent ):
Ah, yes.
Thank you very much.

( speaking in
foreign language )

Excuse me?

( chuckles )

( speaking in
foreign language )

( laughs )

( both chuckle )

Yeah, yeah.

Linda, could you
help him with that?

( whispers ):
Help him with what?

All right, I'll try.

Uh, let's go
into Dr. Becker's office.

If you see anything
you want, just point.

( speaks in foreign language )

It should have been
a clue when he didn't have

a vowel in his name.

( upbeat blues theme playing )

( Indian music playing
on stereo nearby )

Hey, foreign guy!

Do you really
like that music,

or is it just the thrill
of having electricity?

Moron.

( music stops )

( woman moaning upstairs )

Oh, man, they're at it again.

WOMAN ( upstairs ):
Oh, Vinny.

Oh, Vinny!
( mouthing words )

Oh! Vinny!

Oh, come on!
Nobody's that good!

( baby crying nearby )

Oh, you happy, Vinny?
You woke the baby again.

( knock on door )

Oh, crap.

Stop banging on my door.

I'm not buying any of
your damn cookies.

( crying )

Oh, come on, come on.
What--?

If only I'd run that fast
when we first met.

Boo.

Neighbors getting
on your nerves?

Unbelievable.

I've never been here
during the day.

I mean, these people
are animals.

They should be
living in trees.

( saxophone playing off-key
nearby )

Oh, see?

Kenny G's idiot cousin.

Hey. You know,
you practice all day,

and you still sound like crap!

Shut up!

( music stops )

What did you do,

bring me another one of
your lousy burgers?

No, I came over because I was
feeling too good about myself.

I'm gonna go
wash my hands.

Why?

Have you been
in your elevator lately?

( knock on door )

Oh. Damn kid.

What?

Oh, it's you.

I was expecting
a little girl.

Well, I'll be out
of your way in a minute.

I just happened to be
in the neighborhood,

so I thought I'd see
how you're doing.

Yeah, uh...
Well, come on in.

( stomps on ground )

Nice place.
Sort of Early Crime Scene.

It's messy,
but it's clean.

There is a cockroach

the size of my fist
in your bathroom.

So step on it.

I did. That just
made it angry.

Hi.

Oh, hi.

All right, fine.
You two chat.

I've been dying to kill
something all day.

Gee, I hope I'm not
interrupting anything.

No, I just came by
to drop off his lunch.

Um, look, I don't mean
to be nosy,

but, uh, I saw you
at the hospital a lot,

and of course now
I'm seeing you here.

And, uh, I was just wondering
if you and he are...?

Oh, me and Becker?

No. God, no.

I mean, how low would
your self-esteem have to be

to get involved with--

Oh.

Oh!

Well, not that a nice,
normal woman couldn't--

No, it's okay, it's okay.

It's just that he's--

I mean, he...

I'm not really sure
what's wrong with me either.

( door closes )

Couldn't kill it
either, could you?

Not without backup.

Well, I'll see you later,
Becker.

Nice to see you, Dr. Carson.

Good luck.

I guess.

BECKER:
Bye-bye.

What can I say?
The sex isn't that good,

but I need
the money for school.

So I don't get it.

I thought we were officially
through with each other.

We are.

So?

So...

Well, the last couple of days
I've been thinking about

how unpleasant it was
having you as my patient.

How you questioned
my every decision,

how we fought constantly,

and how I never once
walked out of your room

without feeling so angry
I just wanted to strangle you.

Well, I don't
entirely miss that.

What?

Look, we're not teenagers,

so there's no reason
to be cute or coy.

There's no reason we can't
handle this like adults.

I like you.

Do you like me?

( mellow theme playing )

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Well, I just asked
if you liked me.

If you have to think about it,
I guess I have my answer.

No, no, wait a minute.
I'm just surprised, that's all.

I mean, I never thought of you
thinking of me in that way.

I mean, I--

I guess I noticed
that you were sort of bright

and not really
unattractive, but...

Only I figured you hated me,
so why bring it up.

Is that a yes?

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess it is.

Now what?

Well, we could, uh,

I don't know,
go out to dinner or...

I thought I wasn't supposed
to go out for a week.

That's what you said.

Well, we could always
have dinner...

...here.

Oh.

All right.

Yeah.

How about Friday?

I'm on call.

Saturday?
On call.

Sunday?

Niece's birthday party.
Then I'm on call.

Hey, you wanna help me out here?
This was your idea.

Well, you could offer me
some coffee now.

Yeah, I could
if I had some.

Uh, you know, wait a minute.
I got an idea.

Uh, wanna split a hamburger?

Love to.
( pager beeps )

Oh, don't tell me.
Are you on call?

Look, you were doing okay.
Don't be a jerk.

You know, actually I'm relieved.
I hate first dates.

All that
getting-to-know-you crap.

Yeah, yeah,
it's a real drag.

Uh, look, why don't you
give me a French fry,

we can call this
our first date.

Then it'll be over.
Cool.

I just saved,
like, 80 bucks.

This was real nice.

Yeah.

Yeah, we'll have to do this
again sometime soon.

Yeah.

I'll call you.

( upbeat blues theme playing )

DOCTOR:
Now remember, Mrs. Pinzik,

even if you start
to feel better,

I want you to finish all
the antibiotic, okay?

It was very nice to meet you.

Nice woman.

Just give me a moment,
and, uh,

send the next
patient back, okay?

BOTH:
Okay.

( upbeat blues theme playing )

BECKER: Hi.
Fasten your seat belt.

You're in for one hell
of a romantic evening.

( chuckles )

Go on, go on, go on.

Get back
in your cave, will you?

Check this out.

The Jake First Date
Experience In A Bag.

Got some lobster fettuccine,
tiramisu, linen tablecloth,

scented candles
and Miles Davis,

a man I like to call
the Closer.

( woman moaning upstairs )

Oh, great,
it's "Oh, Vinny" time.

The couple upstairs.

WOMAN: Oh, Vinny!
It never stops.

All right, Vinny.

Come on, Vinny,
even a train stops.

Hey, look, John, if you
hammer on people like that

when Liz is here,
she's gonna take a cab on you.

Ah, she saw how I was
at the hospital.

Yeah, but,
John, all right.

If you want this woman to like
you, you have to show her

the nice Becker,
the romantic Becker.

You know, the pretend Becker.

You got a problem with
your neighbors, work it out.

You know, talk to them,
write them a note.

( saxophone plays
off-key nearby )

You know something?
You're right.

Hey, give me a break,
will you, butt-head!

Yeah, a nice little polite note.
That's a good idea.

Forget what I said.

A bottle of chloroform
and a rope

couldn't keep that woman here.

See you later.

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Thank you, Mr. Franklin.

Well, that was
the last patient.

How do I look?

Not subtle.

Good. I wanna look my best
for Doctor Iverson.

He's single, he's a Libra,
and he's never been arrested.

How do you know all that?

I engaged him
in conversation.

And I listened.

Thank you, Cosmo.

Well, okay, but don't
do anything to ruin this.

He's the last available
doctor the agency has.

Thanks for a great day,
ladies. Good night.

( mellow blues theme playing )

( upbeat blues theme playing )

( knock on door )

Hi.

Hi.

Uh, why don't you come on in?

You didn't have to go
to all this trouble.

Oh, neither did you.

I mean, what
I meant is, uh,

I didn't expect you
to look so good.

Thank you.
Yeah.

Uh, why don't you
go ahead and have a seat?

So...

So...

Oh, I love chardonnay.

That's what I got.

Oh. Sorry.

You don't do this
very much, do you?

Not since my last divorce.

How many times
have you been married?

Twice.

You?

Once.

Any kids?

Just my ex-husband.

Hm.

Any hobbies?

Smoking.

You?

Baseball.

Really?

Mets or Yankees?

Hey, I'm a real New Yorker.

So whichever one
has a shot, hm?

Exactly. Ha-ha.
( laughs )

We're doing all right.
Yeah, yeah.

This isn't nearly as horrible
as I thought it would be.

Thank you.

Yeah, I'm actually
kind of having fun.

Me too.

( knock on door )

Go away!

Please.

( knocking on door )

Uh...

Hold on
a second, will you?

What?

Listen, Becker,
I got your little note.

And if you think we're only
gonna have sex

when it's convenient
for you. Think again.

Jerk.

( door closes )

I-I can explain.

You don't owe me
any explanations.

No, no, see,
it's just that she likes

to have sex
in the afternoon.

And you don't.

No, no, it's-- It's--

The problem is she's kind of
a screamer, so--

( knocking on door )

Hold that thought,
will you?

Hey, look, I got something going
here. What do you--

You don't like the baby crying,
you do something about it.

You're the one
responsible for this.

Does she know
about the other one?

Oh, I can explain
this too. You see--

Did you tell my son
you were gonna kill Barney?

Oh, all right, yes.

His brother's name is Barney.

Oh, I--

No, I meant I was gonna kill
Barney the Dinosaur.

( crying )

You actually said that?

Like that's a bad idea?

( baby and boy crying )
Hey, hey,

I teach saxophone
to pay my rent.

He wants to throw me out
on the street.

You teach?
I mean, you suck.

You gotta be
kidding me.

Maybe I should come back
another time.

No, no, no, don't,
don't go anywhere. Please.

See, this is their fault.

No, hey, shut up
for a second, will you?

See, the thing is,
they were bothering me,

so I wrote them all nice
polite little notes--

MAN:
Polite?

Mine was struck to
the door with a knife.

No.
Oh...

That's-- You know,

I tried to be nice to you
people. I really have.

But there's just
no living with you.

You're a bunch of loud,
selfish, inconsiderate,

mouth-breathing,
knuckle-dragging imbeciles.

And if I left anyone out,
I'm sorry.

( all grumbling )

Hold on, hold on,
people, give him a break.

He's on
a lot of medication.

Oh, please,
don't listen to her.

She's just another
one of his whores.

( gasps )

He's got prostitutes
coming and going all day.

Women and men.
Hello!

( all chattering )

Go on, get out of here.

Get out of here.
Go on. Go on. Hey.

Hey, hey, watch
the door, Ironside.

BECKER:
Oh, jeez.

All right, all right, look,
you wanted to get to know me.

This is me,
you know.

Look, I-I like you,
but I can't pretend

to be somebody else
just for the sake

of a relationship which,
if history's taught me anything,

is not gonna go
anywhere anyway.

It was worth a shot,
but you know, you--

You still have most
of your looks left.

You know, if you wanna--

If you wanna move on,

you know,
n-no hard feel--

Boy,

you must really be
screwed up.

( upbeat blues theme playing )

( upbeat blues theme playing )