Becker (1998–2004): Season 2, Episode 6 - Shovel Off to Buffalo - full transcript

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Here you go, Becker.

I-I didn't order
cottage cheese.

Those are potatoes.

I'll stick with the eggs.

Eggs, right?

That's what it said on the box.

No complaints from me, Reg.
These eggs taste great.

That's 'cause
they're pancakes.

Greetings, losers.

Bob is now officially
one of you.



Shut up.
Go away, Bob.

Thank you
for your interest in Bob.

Bob's estranged wife has gotten
a killer divorce lawyer,

which means Bob is going
to lose it all.

Which means Bob is going to have
to keep living with his mother.

Now I wish I'd put her
in the good home.

How could my wife
do this to me?

I built my whole world
around that woman.

She was everything to me.

Where have you been hiding,
cupcake?

Or should I say where have
you been hiding those cupcakes?

You're repulsive.

But thank you.

Just coffee to go, Reggie.



Yeah, me too. Unless we
have time for breakfast?

You don't.

Trust me,
I'm doin' you a favor.

Here, John, I picked up
your plane ticket.

Ah...

Why don't you pick up
your own ticket?

He can't. The lady at the travel
agency refuses to deal with him.

Surprise, surprise.

Goin' on a vacation?

No, no, no, a friend of mine
wants me to talk

at a Family Practice conference
in Chicago on Friday.

Trust me, it's no vacation.

It will be for us.

Okay, let's go,
Linda.

You run along, Margaret.

I'll be there
when I'm good and ready.

Excuse me?

I'm coming.
I just wanted to see

what that sounded like out loud.

This guy sent me two tickets.

"Doctor and Mrs. John Becker."

Oh, jeez, I get chills
just sayin' that.

He must think I'm still married.

Hey, Jake, you wanna be my wife?

Not even if it meant
getting my sight back.

I just thought you might like
to get out of town

for a couple of days.

Well, thanks, John,
but you know,

I got this thing I--
Well, you see, I'm supposed to--

Oh, hell, I just
don't want to go.

Bob would like to go away.

Good. Go away.

I'll take the ticket, Becker.

I-I've got
this old girlfriend in Chicago,

and I'd love to see her.

Okay.

That's it?
No argument?

No.

Why?

Well, 'cause somewhere
in this city,

some moron is packing his bags,
preparing to sit

in the seat next to me and
tell me his pathetic life story.

I already know yours.

( blues theme playing )

Reg, important rule:

don't mention to anybody
I'm a doctor.

People find out, they start
askin' for free advice.

I understand.

Uh, excuse me,
are you Mr. Horton?

No, I'm Becker.
John Becker.

Dr. John Becker.

Nice to meet you, doctor.

Well, I thought
the crew should know.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Let me help you there,
young lady.

Oh, aren't you sweet?

But be careful,
I've got cookies in there

I baked for my grandchildren.

He's a doctor.

A doctor? Wonderful.

Maybe later
you'll look at my foot.

Sorry. I thought she was
one of the crew.

Whoa!

Sorry.

No problem.

No problem?

You're not gonna
take his head off?

What's with you?

You didn't complain
about the line at check-in.

Or when they got
our seats wrong.

God, Becker,
you're like a regular Boy Scout.

Well, Reg,
airline travel's the one place

you just have to
surrender control.

It's like being at sea
in the middle of hurricane.

No use in fighting it.

Just sit back
and ride out the storm.

( yells )

Whoopsie daisy.

You took a Valium,
didn't you?

This big.

( blues theme playing )

Linda, just because
Dr. Becker isn't here

doesn't mean we don't work.

I'm workin'.

I'm clearin' out,
like, five years' worth

of old magazines.

Look at this.
Fat Oprah. Thin Oprah.

Fat Oprah. Thin Oprah.

Keep one of each.
Then we're covered.

Now get over here
and help me with this filing.

Oh, come on, Margaret.

Can't this be a "me day"?

You know, a day to goof off
while everyone else is workin'?

You do that every day.

Come on, Margaret,
let's just relax, kick back,

read a magazine.

Here's one now.

"What does it mean if your man
chooses food over sex?"

Linda, with Dr. Becker gone
and no patients,

this is a great chance for us
to organize the office.

What does it mean if your man
chooses food over sex?

( blues theme playing )

Well, this is nice.

What am I supposed to do
when lunch comes?

Eat off this lady's head?

Damn.
My seat won't budge.

Maybe if you complain,
you can get your money back.

Oh, that's right,
you didn't pay anything.

Come on, Reg. Relax, will ya?

Oh, sure, you're relaxed.

You're all hopped up
on goofballs.

I'm going to visit
my grandchildren in Chicago.

They live in Oak Park,

which is one of the most
fashionable sections.

I'm going to be there
for a week.

Well, that's nice.

Oh, if I have to listen to that
the whole flight,

I'm gonna kill myself.

Oh, look,
look at that cloud.

It looks like a duck.

Excuse me,
can I get you anything?

Uh, no, thank you.

Oh, pardon me, when are you
gonna be serving lunch?

The cart will be by
in a little while.

Well, she's a subtle
little bitch, isn't she?

Oh, come on,
she's just doin' her job.

She was practically in your lap.

Becker, the tickets said
"Dr. and Mrs.".

How could she not think
we're together?

You know something?
You're absolutely right.

You are acting like my wife.

You haven't stopped yakking
since we got onboard.

( blues theme playing )

Hey, bright eyes,
felt any good books lately?

The diner's closed, Bob.
Reggie's on her way to Chicago.

Oh, rats.

Bob's disappointed.

He was looking for a warm,
perky rack to rest his head on.

Bob, give it up.
Reggie can't stand you.

No, see, that was the old Bob,
the cocky Bob.

This is the new Bob,
the humble Bob.

You know what I think
she'd really love? The dead Bob.

Bob's gonna let that pass.

So you hungry?
I'll jump behind the counter

and whip us up a little snack.

Hey, stay away from there.
You've already committed

a dozen health code violations
walkin' in the door.

Nothing back here
but the bare essentials.

Bob's gonna have to
work his magic.

Don't make me come over there.

Come on, don't make me play

hide-and-seek
with the blind guy.

Come on, Mr. Peepers, sit down.
I'll make you somethin'.

( blues theme playing )

Oh, this is just wrong.

No man would choose
food over sex.

Certainly not this food.

What is this? A brownie?
Or do we use it

to break a window
in case of an emergency?

Take it easy, Reg.
We'll be there in no time.

Take it easy?

You know, Becker, I am seeing
a very ugly side of you.

( beep )

Oh, look, we're starting
to land already.

Well, that was quick.

MAN ( over PA ):
Folks, this is Captain Glass.

It seems the weatherman
is not our friend today.

Chicago's socked in,
so I'm afraid

we've been rerouted to Buffalo.

What?
Buffalo?

I'm not going to Buffalo.

I-I'm going to Chicago.

I-I have to make a speech there
in a few hours.

Hopefully, we'll only
be on the ground a short time.

Then we'll be on our way.

I-I don't wanna go to Buffalo.

No one ever wants
to go to Buffalo.

I wanna go where it says
I'm going on my ticket.

What the hell
are you doing up there?

Trying to get something
out of my bag.

Watch this.

You know, is this so difficult?

There. Now there's your bag.

Whatever you want,
just get it out.

Get it out.
Okay, okay.

Ah, good, that's it?

A pen?

Yeah, that's it.
Anything else?

You know, for later?

No, that's it.
Are you sure?

Because the bag's here now.

I'm sure.

Well, good.
You've got your little pen.

Now, sit the hell down.

Sit down.

Valium wear off?

Get your elbow off my side.

( blues theme playing )

( blues theme playing )

Excuse me,
the pilot said 15 minutes.

We've been sitting here
for two-and-a-half hours.

What's going on?

We're still waiting
for a gate.

There's an empty gate
right there.

It's less than
100 yards away.

I could spit that far.

Yes, but it's not our gate.

The captain says it'll
be about another 15 minutes--

No, no, don't give me
the 15-minute routine.

I'm a doctor.
I invented 15 minutes.

Look, I'm really sorry
about this.

Uh, is there anything
I can get you?

Another magazine?
Something to drink?

Actually, I'm starving.

Food service for this flight
is over.

Don't you have anything?

Even a little packet
of peanuts?

Oh, all right, I'll check.

Just hang in there
a little longer.

Hey, get your claws off my
husband and get me my damn nuts!

I want a divorce.

Oh, I don't know
if I can take this.

I get very nervous
in these enclosed spaces.

Are you gonna be okay?

I don't know.
I can't breathe very well.

Is there a doctor here?
This guy's in bad shape.

He's a doctor!

Here. Breathe into that.

Do you have any chest pains?

No.

Any numbness in your left arm?

No.
Yeah, well, if you did,

it'd probably be from
hauling that stupid bag around.

Look, you're gonna be fine.

You just have
an anxiety attack goin' here.

Has anybody got a sedative
of any kind? Anybody?

You mean like Valium?

Hey, don't-- I only have one
for the flight home.

Anybody?

Becker.

Oh, all right.

Here, let me have your hand.

There you go.
Pop that in there.

Isn't that a Tic Tac?

Fine, smarty-pants.

It's called a placebo.
It was worth a shot.

( blues theme playing )

So I'm upstairs in bed
waiting for Louis.

Ten minutes go by,
20 minutes go by.

Finally I go downstairs,
and he is sitting by the door

waiting for pizza.

Oh, you poor thing.

So, what did you say?

I said, "Louis, you placed
two orders tonight,

"and one of them
is about to get cold.

Now, think about it.

You can always reheat pizza."

So everything worked out okay?

Well, sort of.
We had sex, but--

How should I put this?

When we finished,
the pizza was still hot.

( blues theme playing )

Here. Last one.

Boy, if I wasn't so weak
from hunger, I'd go after her.

Yeah, me too.

( squeaks )

When you're in Chicago,
visit Oak Park.

They have a wonderful
mall there.

Sometimes my daughter takes me
and leaves me there all day.

Gee, I wonder why.

I'm so hungry.

Wait. The old bat.

Oh, see, you win.

You're a lot hungrier than I am.

No, she has cookies.

Excuse me, uh, I hate to ask,
but I'm famished.

Is there any chance
that I could have one of those

wonderful cookies
that are in your bag?

Well, of course,
you certainly can.

Ten dollars.

Ten dollars for a cookie?

Listen, I've been
stuck on planes before.

Believe me, ten's a good price.

Hey, I heard you're a doctor.

You see this disgusting thing
on my neck here?

This look okay to you?

Hey, wait a minute.

I'm next.

He's gonna look at my foot.

There's only one thing
missing now.

( baby crying )

Ah, there it is.

( blues theme playing )

Jake, come on over here
and taste this.

I call it "Chicken à la Bob."

I'm not tastin' anything
"à la Bob."

Come on,
Bob's a great cook.

Bob's wife said that's the only
reason she kept him around.

On the plus side, when she
was eating, she couldn't talk.

And yet the marriage broke up.
Go figure.

Come on, try it.
All right, all right.

I'll taste it.

( clears throat )

This is amazing.

( laughs )

No, seriously,
this is fantastic.

You know, if you opened up
a restaurant,

I bet you could make a fortune.

Wow,
that means a lot to me.

I mean, cooking makes me
feel like I'm worth something,

like I have some dignity.

Let's not get carried away.

You still servin' lunch?

You wanna make
a couple of bucks?

Yes, sir.
How many in your party?

( blues theme playing )

( baby crying )

It's a peanut. It's mine.

I-I lost it in your hair.

Just turn around.

Mm.

( blues theme playing )

Whoa!

I learned that
from watchin' Martha Stewart.

Nice set of cans on her,
don't you think?

Less talkin', more cookin'.

Why didn't you tell me
you knew how to give pedicures?

Oh, when I worked
in the beauty parlor,

I got to do a lot of this.

They wouldn't let me
get near anybody's head.

( blues theme playing )

( all chattering angrily )

Folks, folks, please,
please, please quiet down.

We're doing the best we can.

Please quiet down.
We're doing the best we can.

Excuse me, I was won--
We're out.

--if I could put my fist
in your mouth.

Oh, I love airline magazines.

Everything you ever
wanted to know

about everything you never
wanted to know about.

Oh, look, look, picture
of the CEO of the airline.

Mr. Frank McKee.

Look at that smug little grin.

No wonder he's smiling.
He's not stuck on this plane.

Please. If he were,
you think we'd still be here?

No.

No. No, I don't.

What are you doing, Becker?

I'm gonna find
this smiley little CEO

and tell him to get us off
the damn airplane.

Oh, come on, how are you even
gonna get his number?

Ah, just watch and learn,
watch and learn.

All right,
headquarters in Dallas.

Who do I know in Dallas?

( phone rings )

Damn.

Doctor's office.

BECKER:
Margaret, it's me.

I'm stuck on a plane
in Buffalo.

Don't-- Don't ask.

I need you to get me
a phone number.

Well, it's a little tough
right now.

My- my hands are full.

Oh, well, maybe I should just
sit on this plane

for another five hours
until your hands are empty.

Valium wear off?

Listen, I-I need to call
a Dr. Tom Henshaw.

He's a plastic surgeon
in Dallas.

All right, hold on a second.

Hi, Dr. Becker.
We're working really hard here.

Put those down.
He can't see you.

Oh, right. He has no idea we've
been screwing around all day.

I do now.

Thank you, Margaret.

Got it.

What are you gonna do?

This guy is theplastic surgeon
in Dallas.

I bet he knows how to get a hold
of smiling Frank McKee.

Yeah, hey, Tom,
it-it's John Becker.

Don't hang up.

Oh, you just have friends
everywhere, don't you?

Yeah, Tom, I-I need a favor.

Have you ever done any work
on a Mrs. Frank McKee?

The wife of the airline guy?

You have? Oh, that's great.

Look--
You did work on him too?

What'd he have done?

Well, that-- That must've made
Mrs. McKee very happy.

Look, uh, Tom,
it's a long story,

but do you have
their home phone?

Oh, that's great. Great.
Listen, I appreciate that.

Oh, and I take back what I said
about plastic surgeons

not being real doctors.

Even though they're not.

This is Frank McKee.
How can I help you?

BECKER:
Yeah, Frank?

I'm a passenger
on your flight 561.

You got over 200 people sitting
on the ground in Buffalo

for over five hours
waiting for an empty gate

that's only
a hundred yards away.

We got no food, no air,
and less legroom than a--

Than a calf in a veal pen.

( all chattering )

Yeah, well, I can
appreciate your predicament,

but there's not a lot I can do.

Gee, Frank,

I feel like I'm getting
the shaft here.

Which reminds me,
I heard about

your little operation last year.

How's the new equipment
workin' out, there, stud?

You know what?
Don't-- Don't tell me.

I got friend
who's a newspaper reporter.

We'll just let him
ask you the questions.

Hold on.

Maybe I can help you. Uh...

Let me make a phone call and
see if I can get you to a gate.

And I-- I apologize
for the inconvenience.

Yeah, I-I thought you might,
Frank.

All right, people,
we're goin' to the gate.

( cheering )

Don't-- Don't get too excited.

When we get there,
we'll still be in Buffalo.

( all groan )

( blues theme playing )

( blues theme playing )

Oh, I can't wait to get off this
plane and get something to eat.

Not in Buffalo.
You're too late.

All the restaurants
in the airport have closed.

Look, I'm starving.

I'll buy one of
your damn cookies.

Okay, but the price went up.

Twenty bucks each.

Oh, greedy old hag.

I heard that!
Fifty dollars.

Thirty.
Forty.

Thirty-five.
Done.

This better be
one damn good cookie.

All right,
what are we gonna do now?

There's no way
I'm stayin' in Buffalo.

Well, there's no sense
in going to Chicago.

I've already missed
the conference.

Hey, Flygirl,

where's this plane goin' now?

After refueling, this plane's
going back to New York.

What do you think?

Might as well.

Oh, yes,

life is not so bad after all.

Look at that.

Another Valium.

Halvsies?

Yeah, yeah.
All right, all right.

There you go.

( blues theme playing )

( upbeat blues theme playing )