Becker (1998–2004): Season 2, Episode 5 - My Boyfriend's Back - full transcript

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Reggie, hi.

Give me a coffee
and a muffin, quick.

I have to get to the office
before Doctor Becker.

If I'm a half a second late,
the bug up his butt

grabs the stick up his butt
and beats me with it.

Morning, Linda.

Sorry.

Shouldn't you be at the office?

Well, since you're here,

how do you know for sure
that I'm not there?



Don't have an answer
for that one, do you?

Just go away, will ya?

Don't worry, she doesn't have
a key to the drug cabinet.

Maybe you should think
about giving her one.

Can you believe it? I've only
been back in school three weeks,

and I already have
this huge Psych paper due.

What was I thinking,
going back to college?

Yeah, and at your age.

Did I say, "At my age"?
No, I don't think I did.

Reggie, can I have
an extra large coffee, please?

I can't face that man without
a heavy dose of caffeine.

I swear, I wish he would

just calm the hell down.

And, yes, John,
I saw you sitting there,



but as far as I'm concerned,

you can't hear that
often enough.

Oh, wait.
I don't believe this.

"Harvard Doctor Patents
Miracle Anti-Wrinkle Cream"?

I mean, what a crock.

They are 9000 diseases
that need a cure,

and how does this idiot
spend his time?

Inventing some overpriced
gunk to slather on

leather-faced socialites who are
desperately trying to look like

Jennifer Love Whoever.

For once, can't you just
do the Jumble and shut up?

Wait, you didn't--
You didn't let me finish.

The doctor that invented it?

Bruce Anderson?
My research partner at Harvard.

BOTH:
Oh...

What?

Oh, you think I'm jealous?

I'm not jealous.

What do you call it?

I'm embarrassed for Harvard.

Look, I know
what you're thinking,

but I'm only back here
because Margaret sent me

to get her some coffee.

She's been at the office
all morning and didn't have time

to get any for herself.

Ah.

Actually, Margaret
just left here with coffee.

( yells )

He's always one step ahead!

( upbeat blues theme swells )

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Doctor Bruce Anderson.
Some genius.

He barely knew what end
of a microscope to look through.

We know, Becker, we know.

( phone rings )

Hello.

Single-celled organisms

used to stare up at him
from their petri dish

and say, "Hey, look at stupid."

Oh, my God, I'm gonna die.

I'm gonna die.

No, really, I'm gonna die!

Die already.

That was Jackie
from the dry cleaners.

We went to high school together.

Jackie? Is she the one
with the knob on her face?

It's a beauty mark.

A beauty mark?
Please. I hung my coat on it.

The point is,
Jordan Brewster is in town,

and he's on his way over here.

Who the hell's Jordan Brewster?

Only the most popular guy
in high school.

I was totally in love with him.

But my dad
wouldn't let us go out.

Said he didn't trust him.

But none of that matters now,

because he's on his way
over here to see me.

Oh, my God,
I gotta go do my hair.

Hello, crumb-bums.

Where's Mommy Longlegs?

She's fixing her hair for some
guy named Jordan Brewster.

Jordan Brewster?

You mean to tell me
Jordan Brewster's back in town?

Bob's been waiting forever
to get his revenge

on Jordan Brewster.

Jordan Brewster.

I'm gonna kill the next person
who says "Jordan Brewster."

Say, Bob,
what's his name again?

Oh, how he tortured Bob
in high school.

The wedgies,
the purple nurples.

Many was the gym class he filled
Bob's jockstrap with Icy Hot.

Okay, that I kinda liked.

But the point is,
Bob's been waiting for this.

The day when Jordan has nothing,
and Bob is on top of the world.

What? What on top of the world?

I mean, your wife jut left you,
and you lost your business.

Oh, right.

Too bad he didn't come back
last month when Bob had it all.

Whoa, speaking of nurples,

Bob definitely approves

Reg, it's been a long time since
you've seen this Jordan guy.

Don't you think you might
be setting yourself up

for a disappointment?

Well, what makes you say that?

How do you know?
He could be a big success.

Oh, please, Jake.
This one's flipping burgers,

the friend with the knob
is pressing pants,

and we got Bob over here.

I mean,
that was some high school.

I bet there was a 200-way tie
for "Least Likely to Succeed."

You know,
by now he's probably

some blob with a bad combover.

Yeah, well,
he gets no pity from me.

The second he walks in,
I'm gonna kick his ass.

Jordan.

But first
I gotta make a call.

Oh, my God, Jordan Brewster.

Well, I'm surprised
you recognized me.

Are you kidding?
You haven't changed a bit.

You haven't either.

Well, if I'd known
you were coming,

I would have fixed myself up.

( chuckles )

Gee, Reggie, you look great.

Oh, you.

So, uh, is he a blob
with a bad combover?

Pretty much.

Listen, I just, uh--
I just stopped by to say hi,

and, uh, tell you how sorry
I was to hear about your father.

Oh, thank you.

Your dad was quite
a character.

The last time I was here,

he chased me out
with a baseball bat.

Uh, so, uh--
So, what have you been up to?

Married? Kids?

Oh, no, I'm single.

Well, very single.
All alone. Just me.

Well, not that I don't date.
I do. A ton.

Well, not a ton too much,
you know,

just a ton, the right amount.

It's not like
I'm a slut or anything.

I'm gonna stop talking now.

Good choice.

These two friends of yours?

He works here, he eats here.

So, Jordan,
what are you doing back in town?

I'm putting together
the funding to build a hospital.

Hey, John, you two
are in the same business.

He builds hospitals, you lance
boils out of a storefront.

Let's not get haughty
about professions,

Mr. "Extra, Extra,
Read All About It."

I also sell mints.

Listen, I can see
that you're busy, but, uh,

any chance I could
steal you away for lunch?

Oh, I would love it.

Jake, keep an eye on the place,
would you?

I mean--
You know what I mean.

All right, where is he?

Where's Jordan?

He just left, Bob.

Oh, well he's lucky,

'cause next time he's in here,
I'm gonna kick his ass.

Oh, that's great, Bob,
but I doubt if he'll

be sticking his ass in that
phone booth any time soon.

( laughs )

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Linda, I told you
not to put food out there.

If we feed him,
he'll just keep coming back.

But he's hungry.

Can't we keep him, please?

No. He's mangy, he smells bad,
and he's got fleas.

But he looks so sad
with those big brown eyes.

He's just sitting
in the doorway.

Margaret, there's a bum
just sitting in the doorway.

Please do not talk
about Ira that way.

He's a thinking, feeling person.
He's not an animal.

He told you his name?

No, I named him.

Just relax, John.

I'm trying to find
a place for him.

I called the city. No luck.

But I'm gonna try
the churches next.

I'm sure they'll help.

Yeah, right.

Call the Pope, maybe he'll
build him a penthouse

at the Vatican.

Please, can't I keep him?

I promise,
you won't have to do a thing.

And no one'll take care of him
as good as I will. Please?

Linda, for the last time, no.

Not fair! You guys never
let me do anything!

I don't know where
she gets that temper,

but it's certainly not from me.

Okay, John, here are your
messages and here's the paper.

But please don't read it until
I've left the room.

Why? Oh, yeah,
don't worry about it.

I've already, uh,
read about Doctor Bruce Anderson

and his million-dollar
wrinkle cream.

And?
And I let off a little steam,

and I'm feeling a lot better.

Since when do you have
a finite amount of steam?

Honestly, it doesn't bother me.

Liar.

Right now you're
chewing on your own liver.

Margaret, believe me, I don't
want to make wrinkle cream.

A long time ago
I made a decision to go into

private practice
and help people,

and I find that very fulfilling.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to go burn
an infected mole

off Mrs. McClaren's armpit.

( laughing )

Hey, as pathetic as I am,
you're my assistant.

( upbeat blues theme playing )

JAKE:
So, Reg,

was your lunch date
with Jordan Brewster

everything you dreamed
it would be?

And more.

Lunch turned into dinner
at Lut?ce.

It was so romantic.

We had this $300
bottle of champagne.

Then I'll bet I know
what happened next.

No, you don't.
He was a perfect gentleman.

If he spent all that money
and went home alone,

then he's a perfect idiot.

Hey, Squints,
is Jordan here?

No, Bob, he's not.

All right, Jordan, let's go.
You and me.

Bob, he's not here.

Oh, well, he's lucky,

'cause the next time I see him,
I'm gonna kick his ass.

You tell him I'll be back
at 3:00 sharp.

Good, 'cause he'll be back here
at 3:00 too.

Three's no good for me.
But I'll get back to ya.

Good morning.
Good riddance.

Where you going?

Out with Jordan.

We're gonna spend
the day together.

Well, what kind
of diner is this?

I mean, what about my breakfast?

What would you like?

Eggs, hash browns
and toast, please.

Right. A muffin it is.

You're getting a little
carried away here, aren't you?

I mean, a guy blows into town,
all of a sudden you're--

You're flitting around
like a teenager.

That shows how much you know.

This is the most healthy,
adult relationship

I've had in years.

Hey, you kids, you--

What're you two, like 35?

I really hope you're married
to other people,

otherwise this is way
too embarrassing.

Get a room.

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Oh, this is insane.

I mean, she meets a guy,
stays out late,

and now I can't get
a cup of coffee.

Isn't she upstairs?

Hey, Reg.
Wake up, I'm thirsty.

Hey, uh, look at this.

Some Harvard geek invented
some new wrinkle cream.

He's gonna make a fortune!

I wouldn't go there
if I were you, Bob.

That's John's
old research partner.

Oh, that's gotta sting.

What did I just say?

Boy, Becker, you must feel
like that schmuck

who got kicked out
of The Beatles.

Doesn't bother me.
Come on.

Do you realize
if you stayed with this guy,

this would be you in the paper?

Keep it up, Bob, and tomorrow
we'll both be in the paper.

Good morning.

Isn't that the same outfit
you wore yesterday?

Uh-huh.

So you didn't go home
last night?

No.
So you?

Uh-huh.

Oh, the horror!

Bob's raven-haired beauty,
losing her virginity

to Jordan Brewster.

Well, I waited
as long as I could.

Say, Reg, you know, given your--

Your luck with men,
he's probably married.

He's not, I checked.

Maybe he's poor.
He's not. I checked.

Maybe he's gay.

He's not. I checked.

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Linda, why is Boxcar Willie
asleep in the waiting room?

I don't know.
He was supposed to be filing.

You just can't find
good help these days.

I know.

You don't think I got that,
but I did.

Margaret, why is Linda's bum
still here?

I thought you were gonna find
a home for him.

I tried.

I called the Catholics,
the Jews, the Presbyterians,

and you were right.

They said they wouldn't
pick him up.

The Buddhists said they
wouldn't pick him up either,

but they said
I should be okay with that.

I-I-I don't trust Buddhists.

They're like Hare Krishnas
who won't commit.

Bruce Anderson called to say hi.
You want his number?

Oh, yeah, please.

The guy hasn't called me
for years,

all of a sudden he's making
millions off his wrinkle cream,

now he wants to rub
my face in it.

Well, it might help
with those frown lines.

You're very funny.
You're gonna crack 'em up

down at Unemployment, Margaret.

As if.

Oh, the hell with him.

You know, I'm better than he is.

I'm smarter than he is.

I'm sure as hell
taller than he is.

It's quite obvious
what your problem is.

Excuse me?

The jealousy you feel
for your ex-partner is merely

the outward manifestation

of your own
deep-seeded insecurity.

In short, get over it.

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Jake, did you hear the phone?

No. Did you?

No.

Okay, I think
we're done here.

I'm sorry. It's just that
Jordan hasn't called

since our night together.

You mean, last night, right?

Yes, okay, last night.

My father was right.

I shouldn't have trusted him.

I mean, he got what he wanted
and he moved on.

I understand.
You feel like a whore.

Did I say I felt like a whore?

No, I don't think I did.

Well, the hell with
Jordan Brewster.

( phone rings )

Oh, my God, I hope it's him.

Hello.

It is.

Where are you, Jordan?

I will be right there.

He didn't reject me.
My father was wrong.

Jordan is a good person.

Where is he?
In jail.

Who-who's in jail?

Jordan Brewster.

Jordan Brewster's in jail?

Jordan Brewster's in jail?

Oh, this is a good day
in Bobland.

A very good day.

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Hey.

Hey.

So, what's up?

Not much. You?

Nothing.

Well, not nothing.
I am in jail.

Jordan, I want you to know
that I trust you,

and I wanna help you.

Now, tell me, why do you
think you were arrested?

It's the damnedest thing.

You know that hospital
I was building?

Some of the investors
allege that I skimmed

a couple million dollars
and hid it somewhere.

But you didn't, right?
I mean, you're innocent.

Absolutely.
I'm innocent...

ish.

"Ish"?

Jordan, I'm not sure
what that means.

Did you do it or didn't you?

You look really pretty today.

Yeah, yeah, whatever.
I don't believe it.

You-you're guilty.

Hey, that's for a jury
to decide.

Then why exactly
did you call me?

Well, there is the little
matter of, uh, bail.

You expect me to bail you out?
I don't have that kind of money.

Oh, no,
I already thought about that.

And, besides, I have far
too much respect for you

to take your money.

Then what do you want?

I just want someone
to believe in me.

Someone to care about me.

Someone to go to locker 472

at the Port Authority
Bus Station--

That's it.

My father was right about you.

You know, you probably
do belong in jail.

And as popular as you were
in high school,

I hope you're twice as popular
in the joint!

Not so fast, Jordan.

Or should I say number 24601?

And you are?

Don't remember Bob
from high school, do you?

Bob's been waiting 20 years
for this moment.

You're not so tough
behind that bulletproof--

Bulletproof, right?

Bulletproof glass, are you?

For all the gym classes
Bob spent

with his head in the toilet,
nurples aching,

Bob is finally vindicated.

You're a loser, Jordan.

Always have been,
always will be.

Oh, one more thing.

How do you like that, bitch?

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Oh, I'm so stupid.

My father was right,
Jordan just used me.

No, I'm the stupid one.

Why didn't I invent something?

Maybe something
to make women's asses smaller,

get a Nobel Prize.

Was my life so empty
that I had to chase after

some high school fantasy?

It sure seems that way.

Thanks, Becker.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm just manifesting
my own deep-seeded insecurities.

I know this because
some psycho bum told me so.

JAKE:
You know, you two have got
to stop beating yourselves up.

Come on, Reggie,
you got to spend some time

with an old flame,
you had a couple of laughs.

It's not your fault
that he turned out to be a jerk.

And think about it.
Now he's in jail.

Now, if that isn't payback,
what is?

You know what, Jake?
You're right.

Thank you.

Got anything for me?

As a matter of fact, I do.

Now, you're jealous of this
wrinkle cream guy, right?

Well, you have
every right to be.

Think about it.

You're not rich,
you're not famous,

you never do anything,
you never go anywhere.

You don't have a girlfriend.
You live in a rat hole--

How is this helping?

Well, don't you see, John?

Your life is crap.

If anyone has a right
to be jealous, it's you.

You know something,
you're right.

Most people couldn't stand
even one day of my life.

Thanks, buddy.

Hey. My pleasure.

( upbeat blues theme playing )

( upbeatblues theme playing )