Beavis and Butt-Head (2022–…): Season 2, Episode 9 - Episode #2.9 - full transcript
♪ MTV ♪
[both chuckling]
[bluesy rock music]
♪ ♪
Butt-Head, it's my turn
to ride the scooter.
- We don't take turns, Beavis.
- We're not girls.
- Oh, yeah, I forgot.
- Taking turns sucks.
Check it out, Beavis.
Those dudes have beers.
Let's go party with them.
I don't know, Butt-Head.
I think you have to be, like,
an American or something
to go in there.
- Uh, don't worry, dumbass.
- We can blend in.
Hold on there, boys.
This here's the Legion Hall,
and we're having a special
get-together for Flag Day.
Service members only.
Uh, we're members.
Yeah, yeah, we're from America.
Well, I'm glad to hear it,
but I'm talking about people
who laid it all on the line
for this great country.
- Were you in the service?
- Uh, yeah.
We did, like, service.
Thank you, drive through.
Would you like the combo
for a dollar more?
You boys wore the uniform?
Yeah, we had to wear a uniform.
There was a hat and everything.
It was, like, a long time ago,
but I remember
that the training sucked,
and it was always hot,
and you never knew
when a bunch of guys
would be all on your ass.
Yeah, there was one time
when the shake machine...
Enough said, boys.
Save the war stories
for your fellow servicemen.
Come on in,
and enjoy the company.
- Kickass.
- Oh, yeah.
[both chuckling]
Well, I tell you,
there's no better way
to celebrate Flag Day than
with a couple of cold ones.
Give me another beer.
Yeah, more of these nuts too.
Say, have y'all met
Belvis and Bunhowzen here?
They served in... I guess
it'd be the Desert Storm?
Yeah, like I was saying,
there's that one time
the shake machine...
Did Gilmore tell you the story
about how he captured
that there flag in Vietnam?
Uh, no.
Well, we were hoofing it
through that godforsaken jungle
when, all of a sudden,
the commies opened fire.
Fire, fire, fire!
You're still feeling it,
ain't ya?
Yeah, he feels it all the time.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, boing!
I got a buddy who was
in Desert Storm.
What battalion were you in?
- Uh...
- What?
I said,
what battalion were you in?
What's your battalion
number, boys?
Uh...
69.
[both chuckle]
Yeah, that's it.
The Fighting 69th.
Oh, you guys are the real deal.
Must have seen a lot of action.
Yeah, we like action.
Well, when you're in the 69,
you're gonna get plenty
of action when it's going down.
[both laughing]
Oh, boy, yeah.
They could lick anybody.
I heard in Iraq,
the 69 saw action
from both sides at once.
Yeah, that's why
they call it that.
Here, I'll draw you a picture.
Butt-Head explained it
to me once.
See, the bottom
of the six is the butt.
And then the nine is, like,
the nads or something.
I don't know.
[both chuckling]
You can fool
those old men in there,
but you can't fool me.
You were never in the 69th.
You guys are lying.
Uh, okay.
And I know why.
You're CIA.
Uh, what's that?
The C who?
I get it.
You're still keeping
your cover, even now.
Cool, come on, drinks on me.
If anybody's earned it,
it's you two.
Whoa, serving rocks.
[both chuckling]
So what'd you guys do,
covert ops,
military intelligence?
Uh, probably intelligence.
It's, like,
one of our specialties.
Yeah, there was this one time
when the shake machine...
Belvis, Bunhowzen,
I think I speak for everyone
when I say,
it'd be a real honor
to have you be part
of our Flag Day ceremony
and raise Old Glory
up on the pole out there.
- Raise.
- [both chuckle]
Pole.
Well, thank you.
This beauty dates back
to the Spanish-American War.
She's a bona fide piece
of American history.
We'll wait outside,
give y'all some time
to get ready and whatnot.
- Let's do it, boys.
- Yes, sir.
History sucks.
- [both chuckle]
- Yeah, really.
Oh, I'm looking forward
to watching this video.
Fiat presents Ava Max, "Torn."
- [both chuckling]
- Okay.
♪ Li-li-light away ♪
♪ But, but then you give me
fireworks ♪
How come they keep showing
this car?
Well, Beavis, that's because
it's the Fiat 500X,
the best mid-sized Sedan
on the market today.
♪ ♪
Really?
That's right, Beavis.
I guess it looks
pretty cool, you know,
but it seems like
a car like that,
like, a four-door,
wouldn't have a whole lot
of pickup, you know,
at the lights.
That's where you're wrong,
Beavis, stupid and wrong.
The Fiat's 1.3 liter
multi-air turbo engine
comes standard and is equipped
with fuel saving engine
stop-start technology,
offering 177 horsepower
to dominate the road ahead.
- Wow, really?
- That sounds amazing!
But it is a little hard
to believe, you know?
Well, the Fiat 500X will make
a believer out of you, dumbass.
And you know what's
even more shocking, Beavis?
You won't have sticker shock.
I don't know what that is,
so I probably won't have it
anyway.
Damn it, Beavis.
Sticker shock means,
like, it's super expensive.
And the Fiat 500X
is very affordable.
♪ ♪
But it's probably, like,
made in some foreign country,
like over in Europe
or something.
Most of the parts
are made right here
in the good old USA,
providing jobs to people
like you and me.
- What, like you and me?
- We don't even have jobs.
No, we don't, and we never will.
But if we did, we'd be
working on the Fiat 500X,
which "Car and Driver"
recently called
"the ultimate thrill ride."
Could you see yourself driving
this car, Beavis?
What does this car have
to offer someone like me,
who had his license suspended?
Uh, it offers you nothing.
Fiat doesn't want you.
The Fiat is for winners only.
Do you see yourself
with a bus pass,
while I bang your mom
in the back seat
of the Fiat 500X,
with its roomy interior.
Again, just like your mom.
[both chuckling]
Shut up, Butt-Head.
Uh, hey, Beavis.
Look outside and check and see
if there's a free Fiat
out there.
♪ ♪
Why would Fiat give you
a free car?
Just go look.
See if you see a Fiat 500X.
I don't see anything, Butt-Head.
Uh, are you sure?
Yep, no cars out here at all.
Damn it, never mind.
Fiats suck.
♪ ♪
It's a tiny crap wagon.
♪ ♪
You'd never fit
in one anyway, Butt-Head,
'cause you're too fat.
[chuckles] Yeah.
Dang it,
where are those two boys?
They probably wanted
their speech to be just so.
Ah, they're fightin' men,
not talking men.
Huh, well,
that's mighty nice of 'em.
[both chuckle]
Hey, Butt-Head,
wasn't there, like,
something we were gonna do
or something?
Uh, oh, yeah.
I think we were gonna,
like, hang a flag
on a pole thing or something.
Oh, yeah, yeah,
Where'd the flag go?
Uh...
it's gotta be around here
somewhere.
- Oh, there it is.
- Oh, yeah, that's it.
Old Glory.
♪ Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun,
dun-dun-dun-dun ♪
Oh, here they come.
[rousing bugle playing]
You know,
I like this bar, Butt-Head.
People are really nice here,
you know?
Yeah, they're, like,
all American and stuff.
Yep.
- God damn it.
- What the hell?
- Dear God.
- You gotta be kidding me.
Did they just fly
the Vietcong flag
over the American Legion Hall?
Can you, like,
get us some more beer now?
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
considering we just put
your flag up for free.
- Stolen valor!
- God dang it!
I'll kick your ass.
This one's for Ho Chi Minh,
you son of a bitchin' bastard.
Hey, Butt-Head.
Since we're
on this flagpole now,
I guess that means,
like, we're Americans.
Uh...
I guess we are.
[both chuckling]
I guess you had to be
in the Army to join that place.
Probably.
[bluesy rock music]
♪ ♪
Um, I don't think
it's gonna happen, Butt-Head.
Just be patient, Beavis.
It'll happen.
- Come on, Butt-Head.
- We've been waiting too long.
Let's go... whoa!
Whoa, it's happening.
It's really happening.
I told you so, Beavis.
That teddy bear's taking a dump.
Worth the wait.
Plop.
Hey.
Is that your dog?
Uh, no.
That was a dog?
Typical, these rich jerks pay
$5,000 for a designer dog.
Then they don't
pick up after it.
Whoa, $5,000?
Yeah, they crossbreed
two types of dogs.
Then they sell the puppies
for thousands
while regular dogs rot
in the pound.
Beavis, did you hear that?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah,
he said "pound."
No, dumbass, that guy said
if we can get a dog
to score with another dog,
people will give us money
for the dog babies.
Whoa, really? That's cool.
Beavis, we must begin breeding.
Breeding means score.
[both chuckle]
I saw a dog around here
yesterday.
Was it in a tree or something?
Whoa, there it is.
I thought that was,
like, a bear or something.
Well, it's a dog now.
As long as it's got four legs
and a schlong,
it's gonna score
until we get $5,000.
Lucky bastard.
Get him, Beavis.
Hey there, doggie.
Good boy or something.
Who's a good... ow!
Ahh, bad dog! Damn it!
Son of a bitch, ahh!
Butt-Head, help me!
Ahh, Butt-Head, help!
Damn it, Beavis,
don't hurt its schlong.
- I'll kick your ass!
- He needs it to score.
Damn it, ahh!
We got him where we want him,
Beavis.
Now get in there.
I don't know, Butt-Head.
He's kind of, like,
mad or something.
He's not mad.
He just wants us
to take him to the park,
so he can, like, get busy.
- Really?
- 'Cause he seems kind of mad.
Let me see.
Ow, ahh!
Okay, Beavis, get in there
and gain his trust.
Butthole, ahh!
You better not be hurting
its schlong in there.
Ahh, ahh!
We're gonna be millionaires.
Damn it, Beavis,
keep him under control.
He's gonna scare off
all the hot dog chicks.
- Quiet down, boy.
- You know what I'm saying?
Good boy.
Uh, hello lady dogs.
How do we make our dog,
like, want to score?
Our dog is cool, Beavis.
It wants to score all the time
like a normal person.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, me too.
We taught him well.
We need to find, like,
the perfect chick dog,
and then, like,
let nature take its course.
So which dog should
our dog score with?
Uh, too dirty.
Looks like it's made
out of nut sack.
Uh, that one will, like,
scare his boner off.
Aw, that one seems nice.
She's got a nice face, you know.
We want him to score with it,
not marry it.
That one's got nice hair.
Uh, I think she's,
like, taken or something.
[both chuckling]
- Whoa.
- Ooh, yeah.
That's what I'm talking about.
That dog is hot.
It's like boi-oi-oi-oing!
Come to Butt-Head's dog.
Well, polish up your dog schlong
because you're about to score.
Hey, best pal-y. I'm Ali.
And you may remember me
from such things
as covering my car
in blue AstroTurf.
Well, as I've been driving
my fake grass around,
I couldn't help but think,
fake is good,
but living is more outrageous.
Can I turn my car
into a giant Chia Pet.
Uh, oh, boy.
Wow.
You think this girl ever, like,
gets tired of herself?
No, 'cause I think other
people being tired of her
gives her energy.
She, like, feeds off of it.
This is a car-pet,
but I want to cultivate
a lush, growing car-den.
She's trying to, like,
be entertaining
with every single word she says.
She just never talks in
a normal voice or a normal way.
It's like this entire video
is one long sentence.
Yeah, life sentence, I tell ya.
I bet she's, like,
really difficult to watch.
Yeah, yeah, uh, we are
watching her, Butt-Head.
- And it is difficult.
- I was right.
And, of course,
into vans that you rent
and drive Lyft around.
She's quirky.
I'm glad I'm not quirky.
Me too.
I have no quirks,
and I'm happy about it.
I mean,
I still sniff glue sometimes,
but that's not really a quirk,
you know.
It's more like,
you know, an addiction.
Still been too busy coming up
with dumb ideas
and then executing them.
I don't know how she lives
with herself, really.
Uh, yeah, I think,
in between every shot,
she sleeps for like 22 hours.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I got 30 pounds of chia,
and I thought,
that might be too much,
so I made it 60 pounds
just to be sure it's too much.
Like, your mouth works, ma'am.
You can stop testing it.
One thing I'll say
about this is,
it makes me glad
that I never do projects.
Accomplishment sucks.
[chuckles]
Focus on the car.
I'm covering this car
with my need for attention.
[chuckling]
Is there a way to, like,
turn down her personality?
Like on the TV, you know?
Uh, maybe in, like,
advanced settings
under, like, motion blur.
It's gonna take three weeks
to get my ID,
so subscribe and stay tuned
because I'm sure
I'll show you how stupid I look
in the final picture
in a future video.
What an asshole.
[chuckling]
[laughing]
Wow, I've never heard
you say that, Butt-Head.
I've never needed
to say it before.
And this time,
it needed to be said.
[upbeat music]
You know, when they say,
like, the internet is bad,
like, bad for mankind,
they mean this.
You might get diar-chia.
Ooh, yeah, yeah.
That dog's got it
in all the right places.
Yeah.
Uh, dog?
We have found your dog chick.
And now you must score.
[both chuckle]
You know, I wish a dog
would make me score.
That would be cool,
but then, like,
the dog would get all the money.
So what? I still scored.
Everything's not always
about money, Butt-Head.
If your job is scoring,
you'll never work a day
in your life.
There she is, boy.
Now remember everything
we told you.
This is where it all pays off.
Go!
Uh...
Where'd he go?
[raccoon chittering]
Whoa, he's scoring.
Yeah, yeah, look at him go.
[dog yelping]
Butt-Head,
are they supposed to be biting
and scratching so much?
It doesn't look that fun.
Well, some people don't
enjoy scoring, Beavis.
Maybe it's just not your thing.
No, no, no,
I mean, it looks cool.
I just... you know.
No, no, it's okay, Beavis.
Maybe you're just
not old enough.
Don't let anyone pressure you
into something
you're not ready for.
Shut up, Butt-Head! Shut up.
I'm really into it.
Yeah, get it.
Get off of him!
[dog yelping]
Come on, Rufus. You poor boy.
I'm taking you right to the vet!
Hey, you've got, like,
half our dog babies in there.
Yeah, our dog scored.
And that's where dog babies
come from or something.
Hey.
Did I hear him say that
his dog was, like, a boy?
Uh, oh, yeah. I think he did.
Then who's gonna
have the puppies?
That dumbass took the wrong dog.
[chuckles]
[raccoon shrieks]
[glass shattering]
It's dark.
[heavy rock music]
[bluesy rock music]
♪ ♪
[chiming noises]
Chirp.
[both chuckling]
[bluesy rock music]
♪ ♪
Butt-Head, it's my turn
to ride the scooter.
- We don't take turns, Beavis.
- We're not girls.
- Oh, yeah, I forgot.
- Taking turns sucks.
Check it out, Beavis.
Those dudes have beers.
Let's go party with them.
I don't know, Butt-Head.
I think you have to be, like,
an American or something
to go in there.
- Uh, don't worry, dumbass.
- We can blend in.
Hold on there, boys.
This here's the Legion Hall,
and we're having a special
get-together for Flag Day.
Service members only.
Uh, we're members.
Yeah, yeah, we're from America.
Well, I'm glad to hear it,
but I'm talking about people
who laid it all on the line
for this great country.
- Were you in the service?
- Uh, yeah.
We did, like, service.
Thank you, drive through.
Would you like the combo
for a dollar more?
You boys wore the uniform?
Yeah, we had to wear a uniform.
There was a hat and everything.
It was, like, a long time ago,
but I remember
that the training sucked,
and it was always hot,
and you never knew
when a bunch of guys
would be all on your ass.
Yeah, there was one time
when the shake machine...
Enough said, boys.
Save the war stories
for your fellow servicemen.
Come on in,
and enjoy the company.
- Kickass.
- Oh, yeah.
[both chuckling]
Well, I tell you,
there's no better way
to celebrate Flag Day than
with a couple of cold ones.
Give me another beer.
Yeah, more of these nuts too.
Say, have y'all met
Belvis and Bunhowzen here?
They served in... I guess
it'd be the Desert Storm?
Yeah, like I was saying,
there's that one time
the shake machine...
Did Gilmore tell you the story
about how he captured
that there flag in Vietnam?
Uh, no.
Well, we were hoofing it
through that godforsaken jungle
when, all of a sudden,
the commies opened fire.
Fire, fire, fire!
You're still feeling it,
ain't ya?
Yeah, he feels it all the time.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, boing!
I got a buddy who was
in Desert Storm.
What battalion were you in?
- Uh...
- What?
I said,
what battalion were you in?
What's your battalion
number, boys?
Uh...
69.
[both chuckle]
Yeah, that's it.
The Fighting 69th.
Oh, you guys are the real deal.
Must have seen a lot of action.
Yeah, we like action.
Well, when you're in the 69,
you're gonna get plenty
of action when it's going down.
[both laughing]
Oh, boy, yeah.
They could lick anybody.
I heard in Iraq,
the 69 saw action
from both sides at once.
Yeah, that's why
they call it that.
Here, I'll draw you a picture.
Butt-Head explained it
to me once.
See, the bottom
of the six is the butt.
And then the nine is, like,
the nads or something.
I don't know.
[both chuckling]
You can fool
those old men in there,
but you can't fool me.
You were never in the 69th.
You guys are lying.
Uh, okay.
And I know why.
You're CIA.
Uh, what's that?
The C who?
I get it.
You're still keeping
your cover, even now.
Cool, come on, drinks on me.
If anybody's earned it,
it's you two.
Whoa, serving rocks.
[both chuckling]
So what'd you guys do,
covert ops,
military intelligence?
Uh, probably intelligence.
It's, like,
one of our specialties.
Yeah, there was this one time
when the shake machine...
Belvis, Bunhowzen,
I think I speak for everyone
when I say,
it'd be a real honor
to have you be part
of our Flag Day ceremony
and raise Old Glory
up on the pole out there.
- Raise.
- [both chuckle]
Pole.
Well, thank you.
This beauty dates back
to the Spanish-American War.
She's a bona fide piece
of American history.
We'll wait outside,
give y'all some time
to get ready and whatnot.
- Let's do it, boys.
- Yes, sir.
History sucks.
- [both chuckle]
- Yeah, really.
Oh, I'm looking forward
to watching this video.
Fiat presents Ava Max, "Torn."
- [both chuckling]
- Okay.
♪ Li-li-light away ♪
♪ But, but then you give me
fireworks ♪
How come they keep showing
this car?
Well, Beavis, that's because
it's the Fiat 500X,
the best mid-sized Sedan
on the market today.
♪ ♪
Really?
That's right, Beavis.
I guess it looks
pretty cool, you know,
but it seems like
a car like that,
like, a four-door,
wouldn't have a whole lot
of pickup, you know,
at the lights.
That's where you're wrong,
Beavis, stupid and wrong.
The Fiat's 1.3 liter
multi-air turbo engine
comes standard and is equipped
with fuel saving engine
stop-start technology,
offering 177 horsepower
to dominate the road ahead.
- Wow, really?
- That sounds amazing!
But it is a little hard
to believe, you know?
Well, the Fiat 500X will make
a believer out of you, dumbass.
And you know what's
even more shocking, Beavis?
You won't have sticker shock.
I don't know what that is,
so I probably won't have it
anyway.
Damn it, Beavis.
Sticker shock means,
like, it's super expensive.
And the Fiat 500X
is very affordable.
♪ ♪
But it's probably, like,
made in some foreign country,
like over in Europe
or something.
Most of the parts
are made right here
in the good old USA,
providing jobs to people
like you and me.
- What, like you and me?
- We don't even have jobs.
No, we don't, and we never will.
But if we did, we'd be
working on the Fiat 500X,
which "Car and Driver"
recently called
"the ultimate thrill ride."
Could you see yourself driving
this car, Beavis?
What does this car have
to offer someone like me,
who had his license suspended?
Uh, it offers you nothing.
Fiat doesn't want you.
The Fiat is for winners only.
Do you see yourself
with a bus pass,
while I bang your mom
in the back seat
of the Fiat 500X,
with its roomy interior.
Again, just like your mom.
[both chuckling]
Shut up, Butt-Head.
Uh, hey, Beavis.
Look outside and check and see
if there's a free Fiat
out there.
♪ ♪
Why would Fiat give you
a free car?
Just go look.
See if you see a Fiat 500X.
I don't see anything, Butt-Head.
Uh, are you sure?
Yep, no cars out here at all.
Damn it, never mind.
Fiats suck.
♪ ♪
It's a tiny crap wagon.
♪ ♪
You'd never fit
in one anyway, Butt-Head,
'cause you're too fat.
[chuckles] Yeah.
Dang it,
where are those two boys?
They probably wanted
their speech to be just so.
Ah, they're fightin' men,
not talking men.
Huh, well,
that's mighty nice of 'em.
[both chuckle]
Hey, Butt-Head,
wasn't there, like,
something we were gonna do
or something?
Uh, oh, yeah.
I think we were gonna,
like, hang a flag
on a pole thing or something.
Oh, yeah, yeah,
Where'd the flag go?
Uh...
it's gotta be around here
somewhere.
- Oh, there it is.
- Oh, yeah, that's it.
Old Glory.
♪ Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun,
dun-dun-dun-dun ♪
Oh, here they come.
[rousing bugle playing]
You know,
I like this bar, Butt-Head.
People are really nice here,
you know?
Yeah, they're, like,
all American and stuff.
Yep.
- God damn it.
- What the hell?
- Dear God.
- You gotta be kidding me.
Did they just fly
the Vietcong flag
over the American Legion Hall?
Can you, like,
get us some more beer now?
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
considering we just put
your flag up for free.
- Stolen valor!
- God dang it!
I'll kick your ass.
This one's for Ho Chi Minh,
you son of a bitchin' bastard.
Hey, Butt-Head.
Since we're
on this flagpole now,
I guess that means,
like, we're Americans.
Uh...
I guess we are.
[both chuckling]
I guess you had to be
in the Army to join that place.
Probably.
[bluesy rock music]
♪ ♪
Um, I don't think
it's gonna happen, Butt-Head.
Just be patient, Beavis.
It'll happen.
- Come on, Butt-Head.
- We've been waiting too long.
Let's go... whoa!
Whoa, it's happening.
It's really happening.
I told you so, Beavis.
That teddy bear's taking a dump.
Worth the wait.
Plop.
Hey.
Is that your dog?
Uh, no.
That was a dog?
Typical, these rich jerks pay
$5,000 for a designer dog.
Then they don't
pick up after it.
Whoa, $5,000?
Yeah, they crossbreed
two types of dogs.
Then they sell the puppies
for thousands
while regular dogs rot
in the pound.
Beavis, did you hear that?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah,
he said "pound."
No, dumbass, that guy said
if we can get a dog
to score with another dog,
people will give us money
for the dog babies.
Whoa, really? That's cool.
Beavis, we must begin breeding.
Breeding means score.
[both chuckle]
I saw a dog around here
yesterday.
Was it in a tree or something?
Whoa, there it is.
I thought that was,
like, a bear or something.
Well, it's a dog now.
As long as it's got four legs
and a schlong,
it's gonna score
until we get $5,000.
Lucky bastard.
Get him, Beavis.
Hey there, doggie.
Good boy or something.
Who's a good... ow!
Ahh, bad dog! Damn it!
Son of a bitch, ahh!
Butt-Head, help me!
Ahh, Butt-Head, help!
Damn it, Beavis,
don't hurt its schlong.
- I'll kick your ass!
- He needs it to score.
Damn it, ahh!
We got him where we want him,
Beavis.
Now get in there.
I don't know, Butt-Head.
He's kind of, like,
mad or something.
He's not mad.
He just wants us
to take him to the park,
so he can, like, get busy.
- Really?
- 'Cause he seems kind of mad.
Let me see.
Ow, ahh!
Okay, Beavis, get in there
and gain his trust.
Butthole, ahh!
You better not be hurting
its schlong in there.
Ahh, ahh!
We're gonna be millionaires.
Damn it, Beavis,
keep him under control.
He's gonna scare off
all the hot dog chicks.
- Quiet down, boy.
- You know what I'm saying?
Good boy.
Uh, hello lady dogs.
How do we make our dog,
like, want to score?
Our dog is cool, Beavis.
It wants to score all the time
like a normal person.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, me too.
We taught him well.
We need to find, like,
the perfect chick dog,
and then, like,
let nature take its course.
So which dog should
our dog score with?
Uh, too dirty.
Looks like it's made
out of nut sack.
Uh, that one will, like,
scare his boner off.
Aw, that one seems nice.
She's got a nice face, you know.
We want him to score with it,
not marry it.
That one's got nice hair.
Uh, I think she's,
like, taken or something.
[both chuckling]
- Whoa.
- Ooh, yeah.
That's what I'm talking about.
That dog is hot.
It's like boi-oi-oi-oing!
Come to Butt-Head's dog.
Well, polish up your dog schlong
because you're about to score.
Hey, best pal-y. I'm Ali.
And you may remember me
from such things
as covering my car
in blue AstroTurf.
Well, as I've been driving
my fake grass around,
I couldn't help but think,
fake is good,
but living is more outrageous.
Can I turn my car
into a giant Chia Pet.
Uh, oh, boy.
Wow.
You think this girl ever, like,
gets tired of herself?
No, 'cause I think other
people being tired of her
gives her energy.
She, like, feeds off of it.
This is a car-pet,
but I want to cultivate
a lush, growing car-den.
She's trying to, like,
be entertaining
with every single word she says.
She just never talks in
a normal voice or a normal way.
It's like this entire video
is one long sentence.
Yeah, life sentence, I tell ya.
I bet she's, like,
really difficult to watch.
Yeah, yeah, uh, we are
watching her, Butt-Head.
- And it is difficult.
- I was right.
And, of course,
into vans that you rent
and drive Lyft around.
She's quirky.
I'm glad I'm not quirky.
Me too.
I have no quirks,
and I'm happy about it.
I mean,
I still sniff glue sometimes,
but that's not really a quirk,
you know.
It's more like,
you know, an addiction.
Still been too busy coming up
with dumb ideas
and then executing them.
I don't know how she lives
with herself, really.
Uh, yeah, I think,
in between every shot,
she sleeps for like 22 hours.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I got 30 pounds of chia,
and I thought,
that might be too much,
so I made it 60 pounds
just to be sure it's too much.
Like, your mouth works, ma'am.
You can stop testing it.
One thing I'll say
about this is,
it makes me glad
that I never do projects.
Accomplishment sucks.
[chuckles]
Focus on the car.
I'm covering this car
with my need for attention.
[chuckling]
Is there a way to, like,
turn down her personality?
Like on the TV, you know?
Uh, maybe in, like,
advanced settings
under, like, motion blur.
It's gonna take three weeks
to get my ID,
so subscribe and stay tuned
because I'm sure
I'll show you how stupid I look
in the final picture
in a future video.
What an asshole.
[chuckling]
[laughing]
Wow, I've never heard
you say that, Butt-Head.
I've never needed
to say it before.
And this time,
it needed to be said.
[upbeat music]
You know, when they say,
like, the internet is bad,
like, bad for mankind,
they mean this.
You might get diar-chia.
Ooh, yeah, yeah.
That dog's got it
in all the right places.
Yeah.
Uh, dog?
We have found your dog chick.
And now you must score.
[both chuckle]
You know, I wish a dog
would make me score.
That would be cool,
but then, like,
the dog would get all the money.
So what? I still scored.
Everything's not always
about money, Butt-Head.
If your job is scoring,
you'll never work a day
in your life.
There she is, boy.
Now remember everything
we told you.
This is where it all pays off.
Go!
Uh...
Where'd he go?
[raccoon chittering]
Whoa, he's scoring.
Yeah, yeah, look at him go.
[dog yelping]
Butt-Head,
are they supposed to be biting
and scratching so much?
It doesn't look that fun.
Well, some people don't
enjoy scoring, Beavis.
Maybe it's just not your thing.
No, no, no,
I mean, it looks cool.
I just... you know.
No, no, it's okay, Beavis.
Maybe you're just
not old enough.
Don't let anyone pressure you
into something
you're not ready for.
Shut up, Butt-Head! Shut up.
I'm really into it.
Yeah, get it.
Get off of him!
[dog yelping]
Come on, Rufus. You poor boy.
I'm taking you right to the vet!
Hey, you've got, like,
half our dog babies in there.
Yeah, our dog scored.
And that's where dog babies
come from or something.
Hey.
Did I hear him say that
his dog was, like, a boy?
Uh, oh, yeah. I think he did.
Then who's gonna
have the puppies?
That dumbass took the wrong dog.
[chuckles]
[raccoon shrieks]
[glass shattering]
It's dark.
[heavy rock music]
[bluesy rock music]
♪ ♪
[chiming noises]
Chirp.