Beavis and Butt-Head (2022–…): Season 2, Episode 10 - Hoarders/Needle Dicks - full transcript
We now return to hour four
of the "Hoarders" marathon.
His daughter told us it was bad,
but nothing prepared us
for this.
Let's watch something else,
Butt-Head.
Uh...
no way.
Those chicks at school said
they love this show.
And now we must figure out why
so that we can score with them.
You've hit rock bottom,
but we are going to help you
get your life back.
Whoa!
Whoa, she is really
into this dude.
- Look at that.
- Whoa.
You think she's gonna score
with him?
Uh...
Of course she is.
Just look at her go.
Ooh, things are getting
out of hand here.
Whoa.
No wonder chicks love this show.
They like to score
with disgusting hoarder dudes.
We know what we have to do.
It is time to become hoarders.
Let's fill this house
with garbage.
Cool.
Damn it, Beavis.
How are we gonna fill
this house with garbage
when it's full of all this crap
you left on the floor?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Well, I guess we better
clean it up.
And done.
We did it. Yeah.
We sure did.
And now let's get to work.
Hello.
I'm Gary Ray Smith,
the Knitting Man.
Welcome to my first episode
for my YouTube channel.
This episode is called
"How I Learned to Knit."
Huh.
Oh, boy.
Did you get that, Beavis?
It's called,
"How I Learned to Knit."
The Knitting Man's origin story.
The boring-gin story.
So first of all, I want
to say why I started...
By day, he's an interesting
man that people wanna be with.
But then by night,
he becomes Knitting Man,
the most boring person alive.
He bores his enemies to death.
Able to put an entire building
full of people to sleep
with one story.
Look up there.
It's somebody cool.
It's somebody I wanna
hang out with.
No, it's Knitting Man.
So it looks like there
aren't any floats,
and I say it's
a no-float method,
but really, there are floats.
They're just one stitch long.
What a lying sack of crap he is.
He just said there
are no floats,
but there are floats!
- See?
- Yeah, really.
Kids could be watching this.
I mean, it's one thing
to bore everyone to death,
but don't lie.
I mean, the truth
is boring enough!
My wife, by the way,
is called the Knitting Widow
because she...
Because she wants to kill me.
People often ask me,
"Does your wife knit?"
And the answer is, she can...
His wife is made out of yarn.
Why are you doing this
with your life?
And some of that.
There we go.
Now let's go check out
our new chick magnet.
Whoa.
This is cool.
Cool.
We're hoarders now.
It's time to go tell
those chicks at school.
And then we'll bring 'em
back here
and let nature take its course.
Boi-oi-oi-oi-oing.
Um, uh, Butt-Head?
Um, where's the door?
Uh...
I don't know.
Um...
maybe it's this way.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, this looks familiar.
Uh, here we go.
Oh.
We're here again.
Uh, maybe it's this way.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Okay, okay. Here we go.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I think the door's
over here.
Chicks, here we come.
Yeah.
Right this way.
Eh.
Oh, this is it. Yeah.
Um...
Um, uh, is this the same place?
Uh, I think so.
Um...
um, Butt-Head?
We can't find the door.
Are we stuck in here forever?
Uh...
this sucks.
Uh, where's the door, damn it?
Um...
I can't remember if the house
used to have a door.
It had walls.
I do remember that.
They were cool.
But, um, you know,
you gotta admit,
um, it's kinda cozy this way,
you know?
Pretty cozy. Yeah.
Uh...
I think the door is over there.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Uh, don't touch the newspapers.
No.
Uh, why not?
I just like 'em where they are.
Don't touch 'em.
They're just old newspapers,
dumbass.
Yeah. But I-I might wanna
read 'em.
You can't even read.
I might learn, though, you know?
From the newspapers, you know?
Like, maybe there's, like,
a "How to Read" section
in there or something.
Just don't take 'em.
I have to move
the damn newspapers
so we can get out
of the damn house.
They're good newspapers.
Those newspapers are
worth $200, I bet.
Yeah. I could sell 'em.
Don't touch 'em.
Beavis, you butthole.
We finally became hoarders
and now all you wanna do
is hang on to all this stuff
you don't need.
Those chicks are at school
right now,
waiting to score with us.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah. That's right. Yeah.
Yeah, scoring.
Yeah, sorry, Butt-Head,
I just got a little crazy here.
I forgot what's
really important.
Let's go score.
Good.
Or are you just trying to
trick me out of my newspapers?
Damn it, Beavis.
No!
Uh...
No! No, no!
No! Ahh!
Butt-Head.
Butt-Head.
Butt-Head, can you hear me?
Are the newspapers okay?
Can you see 'em?
Beavis, you're a dumbass.
I'm getting used to it in here.
It's nice.
Very comforting.
Ahh.
Whoa.
After all that crap fell
on you, I can, like,
see the window and stuff.
We can escape.
I'm gonna climb out of here
and go talk to those chicks.
Fine. Go ahead.
Well, I'm leaving, Beavis.
Good. Yeah.
Got everything I need
right here.
Got newspapers and...
And the darkness and, um...
Whoa.
Whoa, there's some empty cans.
That reminds me of when
I was a kid.
Yeah.
Okay, Beavis.
If that's the way you want it,
I'll go score by myself.
Yeah, maybe bring some chicks
back too, you know,
if they like empty cans,
you know.
Uh...
ahh!
Damn it.
Whoa, look.
I bet this mayonnaise
is still good.
If I ever get out of here,
I'm gonna kill you, Beavis.
Don't wanna eat it yet, though.
It could be worth something,
you know?
Yeah. It's a collectible.
Oh, no.
Now we gotta halt construction
while the police come
check this out.
Well, I didn't see it
if you didn't see it.
Now, I've noticed recently
that you guys have
had some trouble concentrating,
mm-kay.
Um, what?
And believe me,
I understand why.
The world is so full
of injustices,
and worrying about them
can cause your generation
a lot of stress.
Uh, huh?
What?
You know, I was hoping your
parents would come
to this conference,
but since they're not here,
it makes it easier
for me to recommend
non-Western medicine.
Have you boys
ever tried acupuncture?
It's the only thing that
helped me with my vegan gout.
Now, don't worry.
This won't hurt a bit.
Uh, okay.
I'm going to put
a small number of needles
- in your skin...
- Uh-huh.
To balance your body's energy.
- Okay.
- And these needles will
make you feel relaxed and calm...
- Uh-huh.
- With a general sense
- of well-being.
- That sounds like it sucks.
Okay.
I'm getting the first needle
ready for insertion.
Insertion.
Now just hold still.
Here comes the first needle.
Hey, that's a needle!
Ahh!
Um, so when are you gonna
put those needles in?
I did.
I put in about 50 needles.
Oh, so you did.
What do you know.
Feels pretty good.
Very relaxed and calm
and, like, some other stuff.
Yeah.
He tried to stab me!
- I'll kick your ass!
- Someone call the police!
Can you excuse me for a minute?
Stop choking me, you butthole!
Oh, my God!
- Ahh.
- No!
It feels so good,
I'm gonna go outside
and walk around
and enjoy the day.
Don't touch me!
Me and my needles.
Oops.
Hey, Beavis.
You won't believe what
that acupuncture butthole tried
to stick in my face.
I was gonna...
- What was it?
- Sounds interesting.
What the hell
is on your face, Beavis?
What do you mean?
It's full of needles.
Oh, you mean the needles.
Yeah.
Of course I'm talking
about the needles, dumbass.
Oh yeah, they're just sitting
in my face, I guess.
You know, it feels really nice.
It's like my energy
is balanced or something.
What are we watching?
Damn it, Beavis.
Get those needles out
of your face right now.
Oh, no, no.
No, why would I do that?
I've never felt better
in my life.
Beavis, you weird
son of a bitch.
I'm gonna kick your ass.
You know, Butt-Head,
you might feel calmer
if you had some needles
in your face.
Damn it, Beavis.
Ahh!
Ow.
Ahh, I sure do love my needles.
Yeah.
Hey, everyone. It's Doug.
I hope you're doing well.
In today's video, what I'm
actually gonna be showing you
is the basic fry scream sound,
how it's made, how it's created.
Uh, ice cream sound?
Yeah, what's that?
Whoa. Did you hear that?
He just sang "Butt-Head sucks."
Uh...
he did?
Uh...
damn it.
I'm gonna kill this guy.
Yeah, I've been saying
"Butt-Head sucks"
for a long time, but, you know,
I never thought about,
you know, singing it, you know?
Like, really belting it out,
you know?
Beavis, I'm gonna belt
your face out.
You know, I gotta hand it
to this guy.
I don't sing it as good
as he does, you know?
You know, I say just, you know,
"Butt-Head sucks,"
but he says...
Damn it, Beavis.
That's not even what
he's saying.
He's saying, like,
"a-vuv a sock"
or something.
No, no. That's just
his Australian accent.
I think there's, like,
a number-one song in Australia
called "Butt-Head sucks."
Damn it, Beavis. Shut up.
And I'll show you even close up.
Whoa.
What is that thing back there?
Looks like a nut sack
or something.
Um, actually Butt-Head,
that's called your "uvulvia."
It's actually really useful
'cause, um...
'Cause it helps you go...
Damn it, Beavis. Cut it out.
So it's step two now.
We actually wanna create
the fry sound.
And it's like this. Like...
Uh, he's trying to make
a fry sound?
Like when you put the fries
in the fryer
at Burger World?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, you know what that
sounds like?
It sounds like this:
- Damn it, Beavis.
- I'm gonna clobber you.
Remember the one time
that customer came in?
He said, um,
"I'll have the, uh"...
- Damn it, Beavis.
- I'm gonna kick your ass.
I-I'm not saying you suck,
Butt-Head.
I'm just singing the song.
And, you know, the words
to the song just happen to be...
Ahh!
- Damn it, Beavis.
- I'm gonna kick your ass.
Why would anyone wanna learn
to talk like that, you know?
Uh...
I don't know.
I can do it longer than that.
Check this out.
Uh...
okay, Beavis. You win.
Uh... Beavis, you already did
it longer than me.
You don't need to keep going.
Uh...
Damn it, Beavis. Stop.
I win.
Anyway, uh...
This guy should...
Damn it, Beavis.
Cut it out.
You're gonna, like,
suffocate or something.
That would be cool.
Are you ever gonna stop, Beavis?
Butt-Head...
Butt-Head...
I can't talk.
You look kinda, like,
purple or something.
It looks cool.
I think my uvula fell off.
It's on the floor.
I think it rolled
under the couch.
Cool.
Butt-Head...
I... I need to go
to the hospital or something.
Uh...
no way, Beavis.
He warned you.
Butt-Head, Butt-Head.
Come closer.
I gotta tell you something.
Uh, what?
- No, closer.
- I can't talk very loud.
Is that as close as you can
possibly get?
Uh, yes, Beavis.
Okay.
If I die,
there's something
I want you to tell my mom.
Put your ear right next
to my mouth so you can hear.
I want you to tell her...
Ahh! Ow!
Damn it, Beavis.
God damn it, Beavis.
Beautiful day, isn't it?
Ahh. Feeling good.
- Damn it, Beavis.
- You're embarrassing me.
What's your problem?
- You're right, Butt-Head.
- I do have a problem.
My problem is that
I need more needles.
These are great.
This oughta do it, yeah.
Do you have a dressing room
where I can try these on?
W-what?
No, I'll just try them on
in the bathroom.
Yeah.
Yeah. This is gonna be cool.
I feel good today. Yeah.
I'm not even gonna
look at you, Beavis.
Guess why.
I'm not gonna give you
the satisfaction.
Check this out, Butt-Head.
I can play "Enter Sandman"
on my face.
Look at this.
See that?
See?
I feel the best I've ever felt,
Butt-Head.
But you know what's gonna
make me feel even better?
Beavis, if you say
"more needles,"
I'm gonna beat the living crap
out of you.
Oh, no, no, no.
No, no. That would be silly. No.
No, I'm talking about
spanking my monkey.
Yeah.
Make a great day even better.
Yeah.
Okay. Just gonna sit down here.
Go ahead and pull down my pants.
It's not easy
'cause my hands have
all these needles.
It's tricky.
And here we go.
Ahh!
My schlong!
Ahhhh!
There's needles in my schlong!
Dahh!
Butt-Head! Butt-Head, help!
I-I mean, no, wait.
Don't come in here.
- That kid is a dumbass.
- No! No!
Chirp.
of the "Hoarders" marathon.
His daughter told us it was bad,
but nothing prepared us
for this.
Let's watch something else,
Butt-Head.
Uh...
no way.
Those chicks at school said
they love this show.
And now we must figure out why
so that we can score with them.
You've hit rock bottom,
but we are going to help you
get your life back.
Whoa!
Whoa, she is really
into this dude.
- Look at that.
- Whoa.
You think she's gonna score
with him?
Uh...
Of course she is.
Just look at her go.
Ooh, things are getting
out of hand here.
Whoa.
No wonder chicks love this show.
They like to score
with disgusting hoarder dudes.
We know what we have to do.
It is time to become hoarders.
Let's fill this house
with garbage.
Cool.
Damn it, Beavis.
How are we gonna fill
this house with garbage
when it's full of all this crap
you left on the floor?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Well, I guess we better
clean it up.
And done.
We did it. Yeah.
We sure did.
And now let's get to work.
Hello.
I'm Gary Ray Smith,
the Knitting Man.
Welcome to my first episode
for my YouTube channel.
This episode is called
"How I Learned to Knit."
Huh.
Oh, boy.
Did you get that, Beavis?
It's called,
"How I Learned to Knit."
The Knitting Man's origin story.
The boring-gin story.
So first of all, I want
to say why I started...
By day, he's an interesting
man that people wanna be with.
But then by night,
he becomes Knitting Man,
the most boring person alive.
He bores his enemies to death.
Able to put an entire building
full of people to sleep
with one story.
Look up there.
It's somebody cool.
It's somebody I wanna
hang out with.
No, it's Knitting Man.
So it looks like there
aren't any floats,
and I say it's
a no-float method,
but really, there are floats.
They're just one stitch long.
What a lying sack of crap he is.
He just said there
are no floats,
but there are floats!
- See?
- Yeah, really.
Kids could be watching this.
I mean, it's one thing
to bore everyone to death,
but don't lie.
I mean, the truth
is boring enough!
My wife, by the way,
is called the Knitting Widow
because she...
Because she wants to kill me.
People often ask me,
"Does your wife knit?"
And the answer is, she can...
His wife is made out of yarn.
Why are you doing this
with your life?
And some of that.
There we go.
Now let's go check out
our new chick magnet.
Whoa.
This is cool.
Cool.
We're hoarders now.
It's time to go tell
those chicks at school.
And then we'll bring 'em
back here
and let nature take its course.
Boi-oi-oi-oi-oing.
Um, uh, Butt-Head?
Um, where's the door?
Uh...
I don't know.
Um...
maybe it's this way.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, this looks familiar.
Uh, here we go.
Oh.
We're here again.
Uh, maybe it's this way.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Okay, okay. Here we go.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I think the door's
over here.
Chicks, here we come.
Yeah.
Right this way.
Eh.
Oh, this is it. Yeah.
Um...
Um, uh, is this the same place?
Uh, I think so.
Um...
um, Butt-Head?
We can't find the door.
Are we stuck in here forever?
Uh...
this sucks.
Uh, where's the door, damn it?
Um...
I can't remember if the house
used to have a door.
It had walls.
I do remember that.
They were cool.
But, um, you know,
you gotta admit,
um, it's kinda cozy this way,
you know?
Pretty cozy. Yeah.
Uh...
I think the door is over there.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Uh, don't touch the newspapers.
No.
Uh, why not?
I just like 'em where they are.
Don't touch 'em.
They're just old newspapers,
dumbass.
Yeah. But I-I might wanna
read 'em.
You can't even read.
I might learn, though, you know?
From the newspapers, you know?
Like, maybe there's, like,
a "How to Read" section
in there or something.
Just don't take 'em.
I have to move
the damn newspapers
so we can get out
of the damn house.
They're good newspapers.
Those newspapers are
worth $200, I bet.
Yeah. I could sell 'em.
Don't touch 'em.
Beavis, you butthole.
We finally became hoarders
and now all you wanna do
is hang on to all this stuff
you don't need.
Those chicks are at school
right now,
waiting to score with us.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah. That's right. Yeah.
Yeah, scoring.
Yeah, sorry, Butt-Head,
I just got a little crazy here.
I forgot what's
really important.
Let's go score.
Good.
Or are you just trying to
trick me out of my newspapers?
Damn it, Beavis.
No!
Uh...
No! No, no!
No! Ahh!
Butt-Head.
Butt-Head.
Butt-Head, can you hear me?
Are the newspapers okay?
Can you see 'em?
Beavis, you're a dumbass.
I'm getting used to it in here.
It's nice.
Very comforting.
Ahh.
Whoa.
After all that crap fell
on you, I can, like,
see the window and stuff.
We can escape.
I'm gonna climb out of here
and go talk to those chicks.
Fine. Go ahead.
Well, I'm leaving, Beavis.
Good. Yeah.
Got everything I need
right here.
Got newspapers and...
And the darkness and, um...
Whoa.
Whoa, there's some empty cans.
That reminds me of when
I was a kid.
Yeah.
Okay, Beavis.
If that's the way you want it,
I'll go score by myself.
Yeah, maybe bring some chicks
back too, you know,
if they like empty cans,
you know.
Uh...
ahh!
Damn it.
Whoa, look.
I bet this mayonnaise
is still good.
If I ever get out of here,
I'm gonna kill you, Beavis.
Don't wanna eat it yet, though.
It could be worth something,
you know?
Yeah. It's a collectible.
Oh, no.
Now we gotta halt construction
while the police come
check this out.
Well, I didn't see it
if you didn't see it.
Now, I've noticed recently
that you guys have
had some trouble concentrating,
mm-kay.
Um, what?
And believe me,
I understand why.
The world is so full
of injustices,
and worrying about them
can cause your generation
a lot of stress.
Uh, huh?
What?
You know, I was hoping your
parents would come
to this conference,
but since they're not here,
it makes it easier
for me to recommend
non-Western medicine.
Have you boys
ever tried acupuncture?
It's the only thing that
helped me with my vegan gout.
Now, don't worry.
This won't hurt a bit.
Uh, okay.
I'm going to put
a small number of needles
- in your skin...
- Uh-huh.
To balance your body's energy.
- Okay.
- And these needles will
make you feel relaxed and calm...
- Uh-huh.
- With a general sense
- of well-being.
- That sounds like it sucks.
Okay.
I'm getting the first needle
ready for insertion.
Insertion.
Now just hold still.
Here comes the first needle.
Hey, that's a needle!
Ahh!
Um, so when are you gonna
put those needles in?
I did.
I put in about 50 needles.
Oh, so you did.
What do you know.
Feels pretty good.
Very relaxed and calm
and, like, some other stuff.
Yeah.
He tried to stab me!
- I'll kick your ass!
- Someone call the police!
Can you excuse me for a minute?
Stop choking me, you butthole!
Oh, my God!
- Ahh.
- No!
It feels so good,
I'm gonna go outside
and walk around
and enjoy the day.
Don't touch me!
Me and my needles.
Oops.
Hey, Beavis.
You won't believe what
that acupuncture butthole tried
to stick in my face.
I was gonna...
- What was it?
- Sounds interesting.
What the hell
is on your face, Beavis?
What do you mean?
It's full of needles.
Oh, you mean the needles.
Yeah.
Of course I'm talking
about the needles, dumbass.
Oh yeah, they're just sitting
in my face, I guess.
You know, it feels really nice.
It's like my energy
is balanced or something.
What are we watching?
Damn it, Beavis.
Get those needles out
of your face right now.
Oh, no, no.
No, why would I do that?
I've never felt better
in my life.
Beavis, you weird
son of a bitch.
I'm gonna kick your ass.
You know, Butt-Head,
you might feel calmer
if you had some needles
in your face.
Damn it, Beavis.
Ahh!
Ow.
Ahh, I sure do love my needles.
Yeah.
Hey, everyone. It's Doug.
I hope you're doing well.
In today's video, what I'm
actually gonna be showing you
is the basic fry scream sound,
how it's made, how it's created.
Uh, ice cream sound?
Yeah, what's that?
Whoa. Did you hear that?
He just sang "Butt-Head sucks."
Uh...
he did?
Uh...
damn it.
I'm gonna kill this guy.
Yeah, I've been saying
"Butt-Head sucks"
for a long time, but, you know,
I never thought about,
you know, singing it, you know?
Like, really belting it out,
you know?
Beavis, I'm gonna belt
your face out.
You know, I gotta hand it
to this guy.
I don't sing it as good
as he does, you know?
You know, I say just, you know,
"Butt-Head sucks,"
but he says...
Damn it, Beavis.
That's not even what
he's saying.
He's saying, like,
"a-vuv a sock"
or something.
No, no. That's just
his Australian accent.
I think there's, like,
a number-one song in Australia
called "Butt-Head sucks."
Damn it, Beavis. Shut up.
And I'll show you even close up.
Whoa.
What is that thing back there?
Looks like a nut sack
or something.
Um, actually Butt-Head,
that's called your "uvulvia."
It's actually really useful
'cause, um...
'Cause it helps you go...
Damn it, Beavis. Cut it out.
So it's step two now.
We actually wanna create
the fry sound.
And it's like this. Like...
Uh, he's trying to make
a fry sound?
Like when you put the fries
in the fryer
at Burger World?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, you know what that
sounds like?
It sounds like this:
- Damn it, Beavis.
- I'm gonna clobber you.
Remember the one time
that customer came in?
He said, um,
"I'll have the, uh"...
- Damn it, Beavis.
- I'm gonna kick your ass.
I-I'm not saying you suck,
Butt-Head.
I'm just singing the song.
And, you know, the words
to the song just happen to be...
Ahh!
- Damn it, Beavis.
- I'm gonna kick your ass.
Why would anyone wanna learn
to talk like that, you know?
Uh...
I don't know.
I can do it longer than that.
Check this out.
Uh...
okay, Beavis. You win.
Uh... Beavis, you already did
it longer than me.
You don't need to keep going.
Uh...
Damn it, Beavis. Stop.
I win.
Anyway, uh...
This guy should...
Damn it, Beavis.
Cut it out.
You're gonna, like,
suffocate or something.
That would be cool.
Are you ever gonna stop, Beavis?
Butt-Head...
Butt-Head...
I can't talk.
You look kinda, like,
purple or something.
It looks cool.
I think my uvula fell off.
It's on the floor.
I think it rolled
under the couch.
Cool.
Butt-Head...
I... I need to go
to the hospital or something.
Uh...
no way, Beavis.
He warned you.
Butt-Head, Butt-Head.
Come closer.
I gotta tell you something.
Uh, what?
- No, closer.
- I can't talk very loud.
Is that as close as you can
possibly get?
Uh, yes, Beavis.
Okay.
If I die,
there's something
I want you to tell my mom.
Put your ear right next
to my mouth so you can hear.
I want you to tell her...
Ahh! Ow!
Damn it, Beavis.
God damn it, Beavis.
Beautiful day, isn't it?
Ahh. Feeling good.
- Damn it, Beavis.
- You're embarrassing me.
What's your problem?
- You're right, Butt-Head.
- I do have a problem.
My problem is that
I need more needles.
These are great.
This oughta do it, yeah.
Do you have a dressing room
where I can try these on?
W-what?
No, I'll just try them on
in the bathroom.
Yeah.
Yeah. This is gonna be cool.
I feel good today. Yeah.
I'm not even gonna
look at you, Beavis.
Guess why.
I'm not gonna give you
the satisfaction.
Check this out, Butt-Head.
I can play "Enter Sandman"
on my face.
Look at this.
See that?
See?
I feel the best I've ever felt,
Butt-Head.
But you know what's gonna
make me feel even better?
Beavis, if you say
"more needles,"
I'm gonna beat the living crap
out of you.
Oh, no, no, no.
No, no. That would be silly. No.
No, I'm talking about
spanking my monkey.
Yeah.
Make a great day even better.
Yeah.
Okay. Just gonna sit down here.
Go ahead and pull down my pants.
It's not easy
'cause my hands have
all these needles.
It's tricky.
And here we go.
Ahh!
My schlong!
Ahhhh!
There's needles in my schlong!
Dahh!
Butt-Head! Butt-Head, help!
I-I mean, no, wait.
Don't come in here.
- That kid is a dumbass.
- No! No!
Chirp.