Beavis and Butt-Head (2022–…): Season 2, Episode 5 - Tobacco Farmers/Married - full transcript

George Washington
and the Founding Fathers

were farmers, mm-kay?

And the main crop
they grew was tobacco.

Whoa. You can grow cigarettes?

Well, no, but you
can grow tobacco, mm-kay?

You can grow tobacco.

Yes, tobacco is a plant.

It grows from seeds
like any other plant.

- Whoa, cigarette seeds.
- That's cool.

Guys, it's April.

We're supposed to be up
to the Vietnam War.



Now, as I was saying,

tobacco was America's
first cash crop.

Yeah, yeah, get cash and money.

Beavis, we've heard enough.

Let's grow tobacco
and get cash money

like that dumbass
George Washington.

- So, um, Butt-Head?
- How do we grow tobacco?

Uh...

whoa, check it out.

Whoa, is that a cigarette seed?

It sure is, Beavis.

We finally learned something
from that hippie.

Um, I don't think
it's growing, Butt-Head.

That's because it's not
on a farm, butthole.



It needs, like, dirt and,
like, barns and stuff.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

And, like, a pitchfork or
something, or some hay maybe.

- Whoa, check it out, Beavis.
- More seeds.

It's good to see
two young people

cleaning up all the litter
around here.

There's a receptacle
right over there, boys.

Whoa, cool.

We're gonna be rich.

I can't believe these dumbasses

just left these around and
didn't know they were seeds.

They really suck at farming.

Beavis, everybody
sucks at everything.

- Uh...
- Eh?

Does she know
that the video's started yet?

She can't decide if she's,
like, talking, or singing,

or rapping, or just not
really trying very hard.

Wait a second.

Swimming on the edge of a cliff?

I don't understand that.
I don't get that at all.

Maybe it's like, uhh,

there's, like,
a waterfall or something?

No, no,
that would be a waterfall.

It's not a cliff.

No, it doesn't make any sense.
It doesn't make any sense.

Swimming on the edge
of a cliff, I don't get it.

Uh, okay, Beavis.

It's dumb. Do you get that?

Well, maybe there's,
like, a baby pool,

but you can't swim
in a baby pool.

Yeah, I don't understand it.

Dammit, Beavis, who cares?

It's just stupid.

If there was pool
on the edge of a cliff...

Just think about it
for like a couple minutes.

If there was a pool
on the edge of a cliff...

Uh, anyway, Beavis...

So where's the edge of the pool?

- Is that the cliff?
- Dammit, Beavis, shut up.

Wait a minute.

Maybe the whole cliff is made
of water, or it's ice

because... you know, 'cause
then that's part of the...

No, no, that isn't it.

She'd be a cool girlfriend

'cause you could, like,
come home and just say,

"Well, how was your day?"

And then she'd be like,
"Bleh, bleh, bleh.

It was a Wednesday, and..."

I'm sorry
to keep harping on this,

but I'm thinking
about the cliff again,

and maybe if you took
an aboveground pool,

one of those infinite pools
or something, but...

Dammit, Beavis,
if you say one more thing

about the cliff, I'm gonna smack

the living crap out of you.

Hang on, hang on.

Let me just circle back
to the cliff for a second.

Okay, hear me out.

My grandmother's favorite actor
is Montgomery Clift.

Now, if he had a pool
at his house...

Ahh!

Hurry up, Beavis.

We gotta, like, find some dirt,
so we can go farm

like that George Washington
butthole.

You know, I wonder if
George Washington ever scored.

Of course he scored, dumbass.

He's rich, and he's got
his own cigarette trees.

You should think
before you open your mouth

once in a while.

Dammit, stop eating the seeds.

Sorry, it's like, I ate one,
and now it's like,

I just can't stop, you know?

It's like I'm addicted to seeds,

you know what I'm saying?

Whoa.

Check it out, Beavis, a farm.

Um, Butt-Head, how are we
supposed to plant our tobacco?

There's, like, already
all these plants here.

Uh...

I think they're just like
weeds or something.

People have really let this
place go to crap, you know.

It's a disgrace.

Well, let's dig this crap up.

Damn weeds.

What the hell is this thing?

Farming is hard work.

Feels good though, you know?
Back to the soil.

That ought to do it.

Now let's plant our tobacco.

There we go, all done.

So, um...

when will they be ready?

Patience, Beavis.

The cigarette tree takes
many seasons to grow.

Uh, how many of those
did you eat?

- I don't know.
- Probably like 80.

Dammit, Beavis,
each one of those was gonna be

a whole cigarette tree.

You ate like 80 trees.

Sorry, sorry.

Just one more to help me relax.

I'll stop tomorrow.

Dammit, Beavis, now we gotta
go find more seeds,

or we're not gonna
get rich enough.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, good idea.

I'm, like,
craving finding more seeds.

You know what I mean?

- Oh, no.
- Oh, my God.

I don't understand who would do
something like this.

The important thing is,

we worked together
and cleaned it up.

Butt-Head, the weeds grew back.

That sucks.

Well, let's get to work.

No one said it'd be easy.

What the hell?

What are you doing
in our garden?

Uh...

we're farming, dumbass.

What does it look like?

Yeah, yeah, we're trying
to get rid of these weeds,

unlike some lazy people.

What's your problem?

- Wait a second.
- I know these boys.

They couldn't have been
the ones who ruined our garden.

They're good boys,
and they pick up litter.

Uh, what?

No, no, we're trying
to be like George Washington.

George Washington?

I guess they know
the importance of being honest.

Yeah, George Washington scored.

They were just trying
to help clean up,

and we jumped to conclusions.

- Mm-hmm.
- I'm sorry, boys.

If you two ever want
to help us garden,

you're always welcome.

Um, okay.

Well, Beavis,
let's get to farming.

We've got a lot
of hard work ahead of us.

- That's right.
- Yes.

Sir, could I use
your shovel for a minute?

- For a fellow gardener?
- Of course.

Hey, stop that!

We're just trying
to do an honest day's work,

you lazy buttholes.

- Yeah, work.
- You ever heard of it?

Lend a hand
or get out of the way.

- Let's get 'em!
- Hey, hey, hey!

- Ow!
- Don't make me kick your...

Tobacco sucks.

That old lady kicked
my ass so hard,

the doctor said
I have a tumor on my tongue.

And it increased my risk
of heart disease.

Yeah.

And also, like, a low fetal
birth weight or something.

I don't know.

Well, we certainly learned
a lesson today.

Yep, we sure did.

The reason George Washington
is dead is some old ladies

kicked his ass
and gave him cancer.

And that's why we're
the greatest country on Earth.

Uh, hey, baby.

Want to come with us
to Burger World?

Maybe buy us some burgers

and maybe a little something
on the side?

Get lost, creeps.

She didn't slap us
like usual, Butt-Head.

I think she's starting
to come around.

Whoa, some dumbass
is getting his car towed.

Dumbass.

Um...

wait a second, that's our car.

Uh, what's the problem, officer?

Your car's impounded.

You have over $500
in unpaid parking tickets.

In our defense, officer,
parking sucks.

People like you
shouldn't be on the road

if you can't follow the rules.

Your licenses are suspended
until you pay the fines.

Uh...

Okay, Beavis, we need
to find where they give you

your license back.

Uh, that line sucks.

Yeah, that's gonna take forever.

There's no line at that one.

Yeah, let's go there.

Uh, we need a license.

Well, congratulations.

And how's your day going so far?

Uh, today sucks.

Yeah, we just wanted
to go to Burger World,

but then our neighbor yelled
at us and called us creeps.

And then this cop was like,

"You and your kind need
to get off the streets."

Oh, you poor,
sweet, beautiful men.

How can people be so cruel?

I know.

We're just, like, two guys
trying to live our lives.

Yeah, but sometimes,
it just feels like

the whole world is against us.

You know what I'm saying?

Well, I just know
there's gonna be a lot

of broken hearts
when a couple of hot bachelors

like you go off the market.

Uh...

did you just call us
hot bachelors?

Yes, sir, I did, and you are,
but not for long.

How does getting married sound?

Whoa, uh, you want to marry us?

Yes, I do, if you're ready.

Uh, excuse me, ma'am.

I need to talk
to Beavis for a second.

Um, what's going on?

Don't you see what's
happening here, Beavis?

She wants a three-way with us.

- Whoa, really?
- Yeah.

But she's, like, old-fashioned,

so we have to get married
to her first.

Is that legal for her
to have, like, two husbands?

Who cares, Beavis?

By the time they arrest us,
we'll have already scored.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I'd go to jail
for that, yeah.

Bo-oi-oi-oing.

We're ready to get married.

This is
the happiest day of my life.

Hello,
and welcome to my apartment.

"Hello, well,
thank you for letting me in!

Ah, ah, ah!"

"Oh, you want me
to take my shoes off?

Ooh!"

- "Where do you keep the beer?
- Hm, hah!"

"This is so fun, oh."

- "Oh, sorry I'm late.
- I was held up in traffic, ah!"

Two roommates
in Lower Manhattan,

here in beautiful New York City.

And I've lived here
for now a year and a half.

You know what?

I think our apartment's
cooler than this.

Yeah, I bet their previous
owner didn't kill himself in it

like ours did.

Sliver of window, so it's
kind of like a cave in here.

We have a storage closet.

She says everything
like it's a question.

"This is my apartment?
And it sucks?

And this tour sucks too?"

The process
of doing a baby makeover.

"It does suck, but I'm gonna
keep talking about it anyway?"

We should, like,
do a tour of our apartment.

Oh, yeah, yeah,
that's a good idea.

"Now, this is a couch,

and over there
are some pizza boxes?"

"And over on the door,
these are eviction notices?"

"We got them from our landlord?

He sucks?"

"Here's a conversation piece,

a half-eaten bag
of potato chips?"

"On the floor
are some beer bottles?"

"You can tell
we really love beer?"

"And over here is a rat
in a glue trap?"

"And right behind that
is a turd?"

"The turd is from the rat

"before he died slowly?

"And over there, that's Beavis?
He's a dumbass?

I found him
when I was banging his mom?"

Shut up, Butt-Head!

"And if you look above my head,

"there's a picture
of some guy fishing?

That's Beavis' uncle?"

No, it isn't.

It looks kind of like him,

but I stole it
from a Long John Silver's.

Uh, why?

Because the French fries
were too hot,

and it pissed me off.

And they still wouldn't
give me my money back

because I ate 'em all,

so I just, like,
took that picture instead.

Uh, I hate it.

Yeah, I hate it too, yeah.

"Anyway, back to the tour?

Sometimes, you can hear voices
through this wall?"

"Sometimes, the voices
tell me to cleanse the city?"

Those voices aren't
through the wall, Beavis.

Those are, like,
inside your head already.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, sorry.

"That's not part
of the apartment tour?"

All right, I hope you enjoyed

my little apartment tour
here in New York.

- She's like, "Well, goodbye.
- Thanks for coming over, ooh!"

"Yeah, yeah, now get
out of my apartment please!"

By the power vested in me
by the great state of Texas,

I now pronounce you
husband and husband.

Bo-oi-oi-oing.

Ooh, that's the spirit.

Well, I guess
we're all married now.

Wanna, like, come back
to our apartment to celebrate?

Oh, that's awfully sweet, boys,

but I still have to work.

- Okay.
- We'll just see you later then.

Okay, sounds good, see ya.

- We're gonna score.
- Yeah, yeah.

You know,
I always thought being married

was gonna be weird,
but it's not bad.

You know, Beavis, we should
have gotten married years ago.

Wait, you guys are married?

Yep, it just happened,
like, all of a sudden.

Yeah, we were
down at the courthouse,

you know,
and one thing led to another.

Oh.

I think I misjudged you guys.

Creeps!

- Pervert!
- Ah!

- Losers!
- Ah!

I am so sorry.

Congratulations!

Is there some way
I can make it up to you?

You guys have a seat.
This one's on me.

We're gonna be doing it
later today.

- Yeah, yeah, that's right.
- Good for you.

Doing the deed.

Yeah.

This is cool.
She's being really nice to us.

Yeah, it's like they say,

being married is a chick magnet.

In fact, she might want
to even get in our three-way.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, maybe she'll marry us too.

And then we can have,
like, a, uh, five-way!

Yeah.

- That would be cool.
- Yeah, yeah.

I get dibs
on the neighbor chick first.

No way, butthole.

I get to choose. It was my idea.

See, you're always like this!

You always have to get your way!

Dammit, Beavis,
don't embarrass me

at the Burger World.

I didn't get married so you
could just order me around!

I got married so the two
of us could have a three-way

with the lady from the county!

And so did I.

But that seems like
a long time ago now.

I've had enough of your crap,
butthole!

We never should have gotten
married in the first place,

dumbass.

What happened to Beavis?

- Forget about him, baby.
- Let's talk about me and you.

We can go back to your place

and make beautiful I...

You creep!

She left her food.

Where's that chick
who married us?

Yeah, she never showed up
at our place,

and we need to get
back on the market,

so we need one
of those divorce things.

Oh, you mean Janice?

She's having lunch
with her husband.

Husband?

How many guys is she married to?

Uh, I guess we were gonna
have a seven-way or something.

Anyway,
we don't do divorces here.

You're gonna need a lawyer,
and there's a $500 filing fee.

500 bucks?

I'd rather spend that money
getting the car back.

Uh, that's a good idea.

And we can just, like,
pretend we never got married.

Yeah, cool.

What happened to the seat?

- It's an impound lot.
- Stuff happens.

- If you don't want the car...
- No, no, it's fine.

Ugh, this is hurting my butt.

I'm gonna have to sit up there
next to you.

Come on, scoot over, Butt-Head.

You scoot over.

You're sitting too close.

Dammit, Beavis, cut it out.

There we go. That's better.

Feels good to have things
back to normal again.

Can you hear me?

Hey!

Hey, Butt-Head, look.

Look at those hot chicks.

Aww, look at those two old
guys who just got married.

Oh, look how much
they love each other.

You see that, Beavis?

They can tell we're back
on the market.

Yeah, turn around, Butt-Head.

It's too soon to get tied
down again, Beavis.

We're good just the way we are.

Chirp.