Beavis and Butt-Head (2022–…): Season 2, Episode 2 - Old Man Beavis/Hunting Trip - full transcript

- And we'll just take
some of these,

one of these,

gotta have these.

These are good.

- Yeah.

- And there we go.

Something to wash it all
down with,

you know what I'm saying?

Yep.

We like the cold ones.

- Are you guys old enough
to drink?



- Uh, are you, sir?

- Yeah, are you, sir?

- I can't sell you this
unless you've got ID.

You can still buy the rest.

Uh...

- Do you even have any money?

- Uh, do you, sir?

- Yeah, do you, sir?

Because we could, like,
use some money.

You know what I'm saying?

Nobody ever lets us buy
cool things, Butt-Head.

They always say we're, like,
not old enough or something.

- Whoa.

I have, like, an idea.



Old people can buy
whatever they want,

so we just need to, like,
make you look old.

Yeah, cool.

- You need, like, gray hair
and wrinkles and stuff.

- My 'nads have wrinkles.

They kind of look old.

Maybe I'll show people my 'nads

instead of my face.
Yeah.

- People don't like
seeing 'nads, dumbass.

- Not even on a fake ID?

- Uh, no.

You're weird, Beavis.

Okay, stand still.

I'm gonna dye your hair.

- Okay, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, dye.

Yeah, dye!

Whoa, it smells like dizzy
or... or something.

- That means it's working,
Beavis.

- Oh, really?

Cool.

- Put a little here.

There we go.

Okay.

Old guys are always hurting
their back,

so you need to, like, say
"Ow, my back" a lot.

- Um, okay, yeah.

Ow, my back.

- Uh, no, it needs
to sound real.

- Okay, okay, let me try this.
How about, um...

Ow, my back!

Uh, that's pretty good.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Now go in there and buy beer.

- Oh...

Damn it.
Ah.

- It's time to go.
The bus is leaving.

- Um, I just have to get
some beer or something.

- We have to get on the bus.

- Um, oh, okay.
Yeah.

I guess that's pretty cool.

Thank you, son.

My back.

Beavis is gone.

- Well, somebody's homeschooled.

Yeah, you can tell.

- I think the secret
to doing these trick shots

is not having any friends

so you just, like, throw
Frisbees all day

and then sometimes,
they go in things.

He keeps doing that thing

that Caulay MacCulkin does,
you know,

in "Home Alone,"

you know, with his fist.

- But in "Home Alone,"
his parents wanted him back.

Oh, yeah.

They just, like, put
a bunch of Frisbees

and a basketball outside
and locked the door.

- "If the ball goes
in the net, I'm not lonely.

Yes. Yeah.
Awesome! Yeah."

You know what these Frisbees
don't go in?

A girl.

Oh, yeah.

- The other dudes
in the neighborhood are like,

"Hey, trick shot guy.

"We got a bunch of girls
that wanna come over

and swim in your pool,"

and then he's like, "What?
No way.

"I have to hit a soccer ball
with a wiffle bat

"and bounce it
off a basketball hoop

"onto a ledge.

"I can't do that with a bunch
of chicks running around here

"in bikinis.

Get out of here."

- Yeah, yeah.

And then he fist pumps.
Yeah.

"Yeah!

Got rid of those chicks."

Yeah.

- I bet he does a lot
of fist pumping,

if you know what I mean.

Yeah.

I got a little trick shot

where I make it hit the ceiling.

- Uh...

that's disgusting, Beavis.

- Took me all summer
to master it, too.

- Uh, okay, Beavis,

I'm gonna try a trick shot now.

I'm gonna take this can,

and I'm gonna, like,
bounce it off the TV

and then off your head

and then out the window.

This is gonna be cool.

Uh...

Ow.

Wait, I didn't see.
Did it go out the window?

Uh... no.

Guess I have to keep trying
until I get it right.

Okay, look
straight ahead, Beavis.

- Ah!

Damn it.

I think you're doing
something wrong, Butt-Head.

Let me try.
Yeah.

Concentrate here.

Line this thing up. Yeah.

Whoa.
Ow.

What happened, Butt-Head?
Did it work?

- Uh... no.

That sucked.

And you lost the can.

- Ah, damn it.

Well, I guess
I gotta keep trying, you know?

Let me see.
Maybe this rock would work.

Think I got this.
Yeah, yeah.

Dumbass.

- Agh. Ow.

Whoa!

- These guys really know
how to party.

Jack. No.

- Social Security doesn't go
as far as it used to.

- Yeah, no one lets us buy
anything cool.

- No, they don't.

- And now
they won't let me drive.

- Yeah, me neither.
Yeah, it sucks.

- Hello...

- Oh, hey, hey.
How's it going?

Yeah. I'm Beavis.

- Oh, mm,
haven't seen you before.

When did you move in?

- I don't know, really.

They just dropped me off here,
you know?

- My kids did the same to me.

You know, there are so few men
at this place.

A girl can get lonely.

- Um... um... what?

- You know,
a handsome old stud like you

could really brighten my day.

How'd you like
to come back to my room?

- Um, okay, yeah.

Is there, like, beer there
or something?

I like the way you think.

- Yeah, thinking sucks.

- Hmm, looks like
we're alone now.

- Oh, candy, yeah.
That's pretty cool.

- When was the last time
you were with a woman, Beavis?

- Uh, I don't know.

I think, like, never
or something.

Whoa.

Boi-oi-oing...

Ow-ow-ow, my back!

Gah!

- So that's
where that dumbass went.

- Don't think
about your dead wife, Beavis.

She's gone, and I'm here.

- Yeah, okay.
That sounds pretty cool.

- What the hell are you doing?

- What?
Um...

Uh, what the hell are you doing?

- This is your grandson?

So nice of him to visit.

- You're supposed to be
getting us beer, butthole.

- Damn it, Butt-Head, go away!

Here, here, have some candy.

- I don't want
your candy, dumbass.

Give me that.

- Have
a Susan B. Anthony dollar.

- Just get out of here!

I'm about to score
with this weird old lady.

- No way.
She wants to score with me.

She just gave me
this silver coin

that probably costs $10,000.

- Pearl?

Hey!
- Uh, Albert?

- What the hell are you two
doing in my wife's room?

- I'm, like, trying to score
with her or something.

- Yeah, me too.

- God damn it!

- Hey, cut it out!
- Ugh!

- Hey!
- Oh, dear.

- Ah, my back!
Ah, ah!

- Oh, Albert,

oh, I've never seen
this side of you.

- Kick his ass, Albert.

- He's a horn dog.

- Ow, my back!
Agh!

Ow, my back.

- Uh, like, watch your step.

Yeah, thank you.

Did I ever tell you
about the time I almost scored?

- You sure did, Beavis.

You sure did.

- I almost scored.

My back.

Oh.

- Hello, I'm Tom Anderson,

veteran of two foreign wars.

The Battle of Incheon,

the biggest naval invasion

since a little thing
called D-Day.

Me and my platoon

were about to land on Red Beach

when I noticed something

that changed
the whole ball game.

You see that, Jackson?
- Yes, sir.

That machine gun nest's
got our boys pinned down...

- Somebody didn't paint
this hull right,

and see?
You get rust.

Gotta mix that primer correctly,

or you might as well
not even bother

with the top coat.

- Sir, we might all be dead
in a min...

- See, the paint acts as a seal

to keep out the salt water,

because when salt and water
get together,

that's what I call
a recipe for rust.

I'm not gonna bore you with it,

but salt water
is full of ions...

- Sir, the beach is over there.

We're going
the wrong direction...

- And that speeds up
the oxidation process,

which I'll speak
more about later.

Anyway, I don't think

anybody's gonna be whooping
the Commies

without doing
their basic maintenance.

We're headed back to the ship.

- But sir...
- And Sergeant,

if anything happens to me,

give this to my wife.

It's instructions on how
to properly maintain

the oil furnace.

That boat did get repainted

and lasted another three months

before it was sunk
in the Sea of Japan,

killing everyone on board.

What happened
to that oil furnace?

Well...
That's a tale

for the next "Tom Anderson's
War Stories,"

and it's a doozy.

- You know, there's
nothing better

than going hunting
out here in God's country.

Course, my old peepers
ain't what they used to be,

which is why I'm glad
you two boys

could come along
to be my spotters.

We're gonna shoot a gun.

- Yeah, yeah.
Tchk-tchk. Bang!

- Uh, you'll have
to speak up now.

My yodel-catchers ain't
what they used to be neither.

- You're old.

Whoa.
- Whoa.

- Now, I'm used
to hunting alone, mind you.

My son used to always want
to come along with me,

but I like to hunt by myself.

- Yeah, yeah, I like
to do stuff by myself too.

You know what I'm saying?

- Uh, but you two
are responsible young men,

not like those other two kids
around the neighborhood,

Beaufort and Bernardo.

Bernardo.

- Yes, sir.

We're, like, very responsible.

Can we, like, blow
stuff away now?

Yeah, yeah,
I will blow away Bernardo.

Bang!

- Oh, no, no, no.

No one's allowed to touch
this gun,

except yours truly, of course.

But y'all can carry the tent
and the beer cooler.

Huh?

What?

- Well, let's get 'er done,

like the funny man says.

- Butt-Head, I wanted
to shoot the gun.

- The outdoors sucks.

Why is she so bored?

- Yeah, really.

What's her problem?

It was her idea to make
the video.

- Yeah, really.

Yeah, no one's forced her
to do this.

- Well, at least Jack Harlow's
not in it.

What? Again?

- You gotta be kidding me.

- Boy, he's only been rapping
for, like, five seconds,

and he's already exhausted.

- Yeah, he's like, "Ugh, I suck.

Why am I pretending to tattoo?
No one's gonna believe this."

Yeah.

If Jack Harlow was tattooing me,

I'd have him tattoo
"Jack Harlow sucks."

- Yeah, and he'd probably be
too bored to notice.

Yeah.

"Yeah, yeah,
where do you want it?

Your arm? Your forehead?
I don't care."

Yeah.

Then I'd be like,

"No, I want it
on your forehead."

- Yeah, he'd be like, "Okay.

I mean, I do suck. Ugh."

Boy.

She really doesn't like
her song here.

"Why can't I be in a video
of something good?

- Yeah, she's like, "Ugh,
this song gives me a headache,

and so does my voice.
Ugh."

They think if they, like,
hate themselves first,

it'll make us
not wanna hate them,

but I hate them.

- Yeah.

We're way ahead of you,
Audrey Nuna.

Yeah.

You gotta get up
pretty early in the morning

to hate yourself more than I do.

- You know, this here
is the most exciting part

of hunting, I tell you what:

just sitting out here in nature.

- Uh, this sucks.

- You know, 90%...
- I wanna shoot the gun.

Yeah.
This sucks.

- Whoa, Beavis, check it out.

- At least we can drink
this beer,

and maybe this place
won't be so boring.

- Oh, yeah. Cool.

Ugh. Ugh.

- Oh, now, that there
is my magic weapon.

The deer get a whiff of that,

and they come running
right quick.

- Whoa.
Deers like beer?

- That's weird.

- We'd better hurry up
and chug it

before the dumb deers get here
and drink it all.

- Yeah, seriously.

- Eh, my son used to beg me
to take him out here.

Almost did, once.

He'd start getting in fights
at school.

Marcie said he was just doing
it to get my attention.

But you see, my own father...

He was a hard man.

Once, when I was a boy, I...

I've never told anyone this
before, but, well...

- We have a gun.

- Bum-di-di-dam.
So what should we shoot?

- Uh, how about everything
we see?

- Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, good idea.
Yeah.

- Okay, let's see.

Where to start?

- Like, ready, aim, something,
and, uh...

Agh!

- Uh...

- What was that noise?

Well, anyway, I got home,
and Daddy said,

"No boy of mine is gonna be
in the school musical."

- Damn it, Beavis,
you screwed up my turn.

I get to shoot it again.

- Yeah, damn it.
That sucks.

- Damn it, the bullet's gone.

You dumbass.

Now I've gotta go find it
and put it back in the gun.

Can't send a boy
to do a man's job.

- And by then, my boy had gone
without a daddy so long,

well, he... he learned
to go without one at all.

- Yeah, we need another bullet
for this

so we can shoot everything.

- What now?

Hell, you're right.

It may be too late
to go hunting with my son,

but it's not too late to start
something new with you boys.

Let's go land us a buck.

Now, you just let me know
when you see a deer, son.

- Whoa, whoa, it's Butt-Head.

Yeah.

- Buck head?

You see a buck's head?

- That bullet better be
around here somewhere,

or I'm gonna kick Beavis' ass.

- Oh, oh, I see him.

I see him right there
in that brush.

Real scrawny fella.

- Uh...

Whoa.

You can see his wiener.

They got tired of scoring.

Oh, cool.

I found the bullet.

Guns are cool.

Uh, I got the bullet

and then, like,
some other bullet.

- Well, boys,
we didn't land a buck,

but I think maybe we landed
something more important today.

You know
I'm not the touchy-feely sort,

but... well...

Ugh, you boys smell
something fierce.

And whatever it is,
it's gotten all over me.

Is that deer urine... oh!

Oh, Lord, no!

- Whoa, Mr. Anderson
is, like, scoring with a deer.

- Oh, somebody!
- Whoa, yeah, deers are cool.

Yeah.
- Good Lord almighty!

- Tap that ass.

- Yeah.

Let's shoot
Mr. Anderson's truck.

- Chirp.