Beavis and Butt-Head (2022–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - Meditation Sucks/Polling Place - full transcript

- Welcome, fellow human beings,
to my meditation class, mm-kay,

whether you're
a meditation expert

or just here
as a school-mandated

alternative to detention.

- This sucks.

- Yeah, really.

Can we just go to detention?

- Now, everyone, concentrate
on your mantra, mm-kay?

Om.

Om.

- Uh.



- Um.

- Very good, Beavis
and Butt-Head, very good.

Now, try to empty your minds
of all thought.

- Uh.
- Uh, what?

- It sounds easy, but some say
only the Buddha himself

was able to completely
empty his mind

and achieve enlightenment.

Now, let's begin
while I set the mood

with these Tibetan
singing bowls I bought

at Cost Plus World Market.

- Okay, clear your mind.

Clear your mind.

- Don't think.

Wait, where did I park?



- Uh.

- Huh. Hmm.

- Adam just doesn't get me.

- No thoughts.

Wait, that is a thought.

- Huh?

- Uh, whoa.

I think we, like,
left our bodies or something.

- Oh. Cool.

My body sucked.

- Yeah, mine too.

It never scored.

Um, where are we going?

- Uh, I don't care.

- Lil Nas X, I sentence you
to five years

in Montero State Prison.

- Daytrip took it to ten.

You think he smuggled
those Grammys in

inside his butt?

- Uh, yeah.

That's why he's
cleaning 'em off.

Everything in prison comes in
through your butt.

See that guy right there?

He's about to pull
a Little League trophy

out of his butt.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, nowadays everyone
gets a trophy, you know?

- Yeah.

Good for your self-esteem.

Bad for your butt.

Whoa, do those guys
have schlongs?

- Uh, I think so.

They're just using,
like, special effects

to "pixtelate" them out.

- Oh, that was nice
of them, yeah.

Whoa.

Boy, I wouldn't want to be,
like, grinding around

on the floor like that,
you know, 'cause...

you know how people
always pee and poop

in the shower, you know?

- Uh... no.

I mean, like,
I pee in the shower,

but I don't poop.

- What, you don't?

Yeah, you know what I'm
talking about, Butt-Head.

Everyone does it, you know?

Just like,
you poop in the shower,

and then you mash it down
with your foot

into that drain thing,

and then you go
wash your foot off

in the toilet, you know.

- Uh, no, I don't know, Beavis.

- Boy, you're weird, Butt-Head.

I think everybody does that.
I don't know.

I mean, that's what I do.

- Uh, Beavis, I'm gonna pretend
I didn't hear any of this.

Now, let's go back to watching
these naked dudes dance.

- Is he, like,
working at T-Mobile now?

- Uh, I think you have
to work at T-Mobile

when you're in prison.

- Oh.
Oh, that sucks.

I thought you just get to, like,

sit around and watch TV
all the time.

You have to work at T-Mobile?

That's, like, inhumane
or something.

- This video is, like,
really groundbreaking

'cause, like,
Jack Harlow's not in it.

Uh.

Oh, never mind.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

There he is.

- Someone should do something
about Jack Harlow

being in every video.

Uh. Oh.

I guess they did.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Uh, where are we?

- I think it's, like,
Arizona or something.

- Greetings, travelers.

And welcome to enlightenment.

I am the Buddha.

- Uh, okay.

- Let me introduce you
to the others who are here.

Ganesh.

- So few humans make it here.

Welcome.

- Jesus.

- Bless you, my children.

- Zeus.

- Kudos.

- And, uh, Bill Gates.

- Hi.

I've been meditating
for five years.

- He also donated a lot of money

to some Buddhist nonprofits.

- This place is neat, huh?

- A lot of money.

So now you are here at the end
of your lifelong journey.

Enlightenment,

the place of serenity,
true wisdom,

and freedom from desire.

- So we have to be here
instead of detention?

Yeah, that sucks.

Is there anything
cool here at all?

- Would you like to hear
the meaning of life?

- Uh, no.

- Yeah.
Sounds boring. Yeah.

- But it's the meaning of life.

- You do realize that's
the reason people come here,

to learn the meaning of life.

- That cloud looks like a butt.

- Yeah, it's a butt!
In the sky!

- It's a butt.

- Yeah.

- What are we going
to do about them?

- Do not worry.

None may remain here
in the state of enlightenment

unless they can keep
their serenity and focus.

- Well, so when they lose
their serenity and focus...

- They must leave,
never to return.

- Hey.

Um, in Arizona, do you have,
like, food?

- Food does not exist here.

Here we are free
from all desire.

- Uh, that sucks.

- Yeah, really.

- Yes.

It's enough to make you lose
your serenity and focus,

is it not?

- Although technically,
you can manifest

anything you want here with
the power of your will, so...

- Uh.

Cool.
- Yeah, these are fantastic.

- Those bowls were given to me
by the first Dalai Lama

in the year 1392.

- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, Mr. Van Driessen
has the same ones.

- His are from
Cost Plus World Market.

- Yup.

Same ones. Yep.

- Whoops.

- Someone should clean that up.

- Yeah, really.

Hey, naked guy, can you
go ahead and clean this up?

You're already wearing a towel.

- Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, you can just use that.

Yeah.

Yeah, wipe that up, too,
while you're at it.

Come on, let's go, come on.

- Why, you
disrespectful little...

- Zeus, concentrate
on your breathing.

- Don't tell me what to do!

- Whoa, take it easy.

Keep your towel on.

- Yeah, really.

No one wants to see your wiener.

- I should shove
a thunderbolt up your ass!

- Everybody, please, remember
your serenity and focus.

Don't make the mistake
Zeus just made.

- Hey, Beavis,

let's think of a monster truck.

- Yeah, yeah, and tear ass
all over the place, yeah.

- You're goddamn right.

- That is enough
outta you punks!

You hold them,
and I'll hit them.

Damn, this feels great!

Whoo!

That was cool.

- My children,
we must work through this

in an enlightened manner.

- Um, you've got
some nacho cheese

on your dress there, sir.

- This is what you call
nacho cheese?

It smells like
a beautiful flower.

This is delicious.

I must get me some nachos.

- Uh, where'd he go?

Yeah.

- So I guess
it's just you and me

for the rest of eternity, huh?

That'll give us
plenty of time to talk

about the future of computing.

Damn it.

- This guy is pissing me off.

- Yeah, me too, yeah.

Yeah, let's kick his...

- Whoa!
What happened?

- Uh, I think we, like, escaped
enlightenment or something.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, good, yeah,
'cause that place sucked, yeah.

It was, like, in Arizona.

Yeah.

- Boys, if you keep talking,

you'll never advance
in meditation, mm-kay?

- Cool.
- Yeah.

Okay, here we go.
Yeah.

- Now we're getting somewhere.

- Yeah, it's like,
there's these chicks

with big old butts,
and they're dancing on poles,

and there's a spinning
beach ball...

Wait a second.

Damn it.

- Uh.
This sucks.

- Maybe if we just,
like, you know,

wait a minute or something,
it'll start up again, you know?

Gotta be patient.

- Sometimes it takes a while.

- Um, Butt-Head?

I think it's been, like,
a day or something.

I don't think that beach ball
is going away.

- Uh, well, Beavis, we're just
gonna have to do like the days

before TV was invented and find
real pole dancers ourselves.

- Oh, boy.

Okay.

- Uh, I think there's, like,
a strip club around here,

and I think we can get in
if we act all, like, mature.

"Mature."

Do they have poles?

- It's a strip club, dumbass.

They all have poles
and, like, machines

that make it rain and, uh...

Whoa!

Check it out, Beavis.

Polling...

Palace.

Polling Palace.

Yeah, cool.

This must be it!
Yeah.

- Beavis, we're about
to get all up in the club.

- Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!

Hmm!

- This live dig might
get drowned out by sound.

What are they doing?
What are those things?

- Uh, those are those things
that old people use

at the beach,
where they, like, go around

with the headphones
and listen for beeps

and try to find, like, pirate
treasure or something stupid.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

There's usually something
wrong with the people

who do that, you know?

There sure is.

- What is that, some kind of,
like, turd or something?

- Oh, no, no, no!

- Uh.

It's just a dime.

- Oh, really?

How much is that worth?

- Uh, I bet he could sell
that thing

for, like, ten cents.

- Boy, they sure are getting
excited over ten cents,

you know?

- She's gonna masturbate to it.

- All right, I got that Barber
by these sycamores,

and Doug came over.

- He's like,
"Ooh, Doug, another turd."

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hmm, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Look, it's a useless
piece of crap.

- What a beautiful design
on that buckle.

- What'd he say?
It's a buckle?

- Yeah.

Hundreds of years ago
before there was YouTube,

people used these things
to bore other people.

- Yeah, and it still works.
Yeah.

- All right, we brushed off...

- Whoa, look, Doug is fiddling
with his schlong, look.

- Yeah, that's Doug's buckle
'cause he just undid

his pants to play with himself.

- All right, I'm on
the other side of this tree,

these two sister trees.

- Sister trees?

- Trees can be girls?

I thought they were all dudes,
yeah.

You know, because, um... 'cause
they have a crotch, you know?

- About the same size.

And I think they
predate the house.

- The sister trees
are dating the house?

- Maybe the house will score
with both of them.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Doug's getting them
all worked up.

- He just yelled
that he got something cool.

And okay.

- Wait a minute.

The word "cool" means
something's good, right?

Like, it's cool?

- Yeah.

There's nothing cool about that.

- I mean, I used to eat my toy
Hot Wheels and Tonka Trucks

and poop them out all the time,

but I didn't go show it off,
you know,

and, like, make videos
and stuff, you know?

Come back when you got
half a LEGO pirate ship

floating in the toilet,
you know?

Now, that, I showed people.
I did do that. Yeah.

Yeah.

The teacher said you
ruined third grade.

And then he retired.

- Oh, yeah.

- All right, Doug, nice find,

clad quarter,
eagle back at least.

- I hate it when people
come into Burger World

and they try to pay cash
with a bunch of coins.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I can't tell one
of them from another, yeah.

I just put them in the register

and say, "Thank you very much.

Drive through," yeah.

- I hate when anyone comes
into Burger World at all.

- Yeah, yeah, really.

Sometimes I just want to say,

"You know, I don't come
to where you work

"and, like, throw
a bunch of money around

and demand French fries,
so don't do it here," yeah.

There sure is a big line.

- Everyone likes
pole dancers, Beavis,

even these old perverts.

- Yeah, look
at all these freaks.

There oughta be a law,
you know what I'm saying?

- Good to see you young folks
at the polls.

Is this your first time?

- Yeah, yeah, but, um...
But we've been interested

in this stuff for a long time.

- Yeah.
We're, like, really into it.

- Well, good for you boys.

I wasn't interested
in any of this stuff

until Ronald Reagan.

- Oh, yeah?

Is she a slut?

- Yeah, yeah,
I bet Ronald Reagan

has big hooters, yeah.

- I hope she's in there
shaking her butt.

- Yeah, shake that ass,
Reagan, yeah.

Show me what you're
working with, yeah.

Whoa.

I guess we have to get past
the bouncers or something.

- Name and address, please?

- Uh, who are you?

- I'm Lorraine.
I'm a poll worker.

Whoa.

- Oh, it's not here.
- I don't know why...

- Can you excuse me
just a second?

- Look again.
I've been voting at this...

- Well, she's a little older
than I thought,

but I won't complain.

- Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, she must be a really good
pole dancer by now.

Sweet Lorraine.

Back that thing up.

- I'm tired of waiting, Beavis.

Let's go get up in the club.

Uh.

Where are the strippers?

I don't see any poles either.

- They gotta be
around here somewhere.

- You just go right behind
that curtain there.

- Whoa.

Beavis, looks like we're
headed to the champagne room.

- Ooh, yeah.

I hope we get to see
Ronald Reagan shake that ass.

- Shake that ass.

- Yeah.

- The champagne room, yeah.

Um, Butt-Head, um,
there's no chicks in here.

- Uh, they gotta be here soon.

- And I don't see a pole
either, Butt-Head.

- As long as there's chicks,
who cares about the pole?

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's true, yeah.

Yeah, this is gonna be cool.
Yeah.

Oh, check it out.
What's this?

- Whoa, it's like
a pole dancer menu.

- So many pole dancers
to choose from, look at that.

- Uh, a lot of these are guys.

Bush.

- Yeah.
Yeah, I'm gonna order that one.

Yeah. Ooh.

Here we go.

So now what?

- Uh.

Go up there
and put it in the box.

I'll hold it down here
in case the strippers come.

- Just stick my menu in here.
Yeah.

- And put some money
in there, dumbass.

Act like you know
what you're doing.

- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, here we go.

Just go ahead
and smooth this out a little.

Make it all nice
for the stripper, yeah.

Let's see what else I got here.

Yeah, that'll seal the deal.
Yeah.

Big money.

- And now we just wait
for our order,

just like Burger World.

- Yeah, yeah.

Thank you. Drive through.

Yeah.

- Um, you've been
in there a long time.

Do you need to see
a poll worker?

- Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, we've been waiting
to see a poll worker

for, like, 20 minutes.

- Yeah, tell her to hurry
the hell up already.

- Hello, you two.

- Uh, we didn't come here
for small talk.

- Time to get down to business.
Yeah.

- Did you fill out the ballot
slip and put it in the box?

- We sure did.

- Yeah, and now it's your turn.

Come on, now.

- So congratulations.

You successfully voted.

- Um, we what?

- If you filled out your ballot
and then put it in that box,

then you voted.

- Yeah, for a stripper.

- Look, I didn't think she
was a great candidate either,

but she's better
than the one we've got.

- Is this 'cause Beavis
didn't put in enough money?

- Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, here.

I was gonna save it
for your G-string, but, um...

There she goes.

- Well, that strip club sucked.

- Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I even made it rain

with my last $1.50,

and nothing happened.

Maybe we can try this place.

- No way, Beavis.

We're not falling
for that again.

Sorry, dumbasses.

We, like, outsmarted you.

- Yeah, really.

How dumb do we look?

- Chirp.