Beautiful People (2008–…): Season 2, Episode 5 - How I Got My Turner - full transcript

ENJOY! Do not miss this tomorrow! This
programme contains some strong language.

D Take a beautiful
dream and let it show

d Don't let them go

d Don't let them go

d Take a beautiful
dream and let it grow

d Grow, grow, grow, grow. d

I am always amazed
when I win awards.

Even more amazed when I don't.
And when I feel down,

I look at all my trophies to cheer myself
up - the John Markopoulos Memorial Prize

for best use of a
swishy curtain...

the Andy Warhol golden syrup
for innovation and campery.



The Turner Prize.

The what?

The Turner Prize?!

Now, how on earth
did I get that?

When I was growing up,

Saturdays were spent indulging
my father's favourite pastime -

digging for shit in skips
and carrying it home

to disgrace our lounge/diner.

But this particular Saturday, there
were two new exciting things

to brighten up the day.

Number one - a new statue
at the local roundabout.

Who's that with her arms in the
air like she just don't care?

D Near, far... d

It's that bird from Titanic.
Kate Winslet?



Reading's most famous daughter?

D ...I believe... d

She's the epitome of
pulchritudinosity!

Kate who?

Cos, basically, as far
as my dad was concerned,

if they hadn't been in
Coronation Street...

they didn't exist.

Feckin' genius!

The second new thing we did was
nearly get ourselves killed -

cue car.

Stop showing me up!
Are you all right?

Yeah. I scuffed my trainers!

Bloody women drivers!
Myfriggin' arm's killing me!

What we didn't know was
the car was being driven

by Reading's other
famous daughter and

flavour-of-the-month modern
British artist Stacey Bile.

And she was driving said car
on the now infamous route,

which saw her motor straight
into a top London gallery

where it was awarded
none other...

than the Turner Prize.

My dad meanwhile had been
awarded with a broken arm.

Snugglebuns, does this top make me look
pregnant? No, my bouncing bacon bloomer

with a heavenly
piccalilli on the side.

Will you two stop being lovey-dovey?
You're actually making me feel ill.

And, strangely, I sort of feel as if
the whole women is the exegetical text

for this exhibition. What's
this shit we're watching?

Er, it's an informative,
educational

arts programme for intellectuals, Ashlene.
Get with the programme.

Who's the Turner Prize
actually named after?

Dunno. Tina? Really?
Oh, I love her.

Wasn't Ike a bastard, though?

Of course it wasn't named
after Tina Turner, duh!

Who is it named after, then?
Anthea.

Oh, I'm surrounded by ignorami.

Andy, sugar hips, what
if I go like that?

Jaysus, now you look like
you're having feckin' twins.

Cheeky bar stool!
Never tell a woman

she looks pregnant,
especially your wife.

Can you please be quiet,
so I can at least

attempt to hear some
interesting conversation

spoken by practitioners
of the Queen's English?

Here we are at the Wayward Gallery,
where the car is the star.

Alan Yentob, what do
you make of the piece?

Well, Stacey has encapsulated her
whole life in this statement.

It's feral, it's metallic andit's
completely out of control.

I don't want to sound pretentious...
Go on, give it a try.

It's post-apocalyptic.

High praise indeed, Stacey.
Do you want to say anything?

Someone call Charles Saatchi
- he'll eat this up.

Oh, what a dirty, dirty lady.

Jeez, would you believe it?

It's her, the artist.

That's the bloody car that
nearly killed me and Ashlene.

And scuffed my bloody
trainers, if you please.

I think a broken arm ranks a little
bit higher than dirty feckin' shoes.

Uh, you think so, do you?

Right, that's it!

I'm calling the Tate. That's where
all them artists hang out, innit?

Hello, operator,
get me the Tate.

Mother, this isn't a Hollywood
movie from the '50s.

You have to dial
Directory Enquiries.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, Hayley's working.

Hello, Holistic Hayley speaking.

You see, around that time,

my Aunt Hayley had set herself up in
business - as a telephone astrologer.

D People think that I'm
a loony blind bird

d Who can't twig day from night

d A braless hippy with
a hound that's whiffy

d Her fart's worse than her bite

d Too much hair
upon my lady garden

d Fashion from the bring and buy

d But now I'm reading
from a psychic plane

d With my brown all-seeing eye

d Seeing is believing

d And I believe,
yes, I really do

d How the stars collide
on the other side

d Of my premium-rate
line for you

d Seeing is believing

d And I believe,
yes, I really do-hoo

d This trick don't
need a white stick

d I just perceive it

d Would you believe it?

D I see! d

PHONE RINGS

Hello, holistic Hayley speaking.

What star sign are ya?

Pisces. Do you have small
feet and love water?

Thought so, bye.

D MUSIC "All I Wanna
Do" by Dannii Minogue

PHONE RINGS

Holistic Hayl speaking,
what star sign are you?

Virgo. Is Simon in?

Kylie, I need to keep the
line free for my customers.

PHONE RINGS

Holistic Hayl speaking,
what star sign are you?

Libra. And are you a woman

or a man with a perky voice?

I'm a woman. I've
got all my bits.

Ah, now...

balance is very important
to the Libran lady.

She is in love with the
idea of being loved.

First and foremost,
she is a performer

who often feels
unfairly overshadowed.

Bye.

How did you know I
was a performer?

Hayley, get off the phone, I'm
trying to get through to the Tate.

Oh, I was bang into my
sculpture at Greenham.

I used to mould things out of clay.
What sort of things?

Labia, mostly. PHONE RINGS

Ooh, that might be a customer.
Simon!

What's a labia? Show him, Hayls.

Ask your mother.

There you go, babe.

Holistic Hayley speaking,
what star sign are you?

All this talk of art made me
decide I wanted to be an artist.

To capture the fullness of the
human form in all its magnitude.

Jeez!

You've drawn one hell of a hefty
langer on him there, Simon.

You could make a girl feel anxious
with a picture like that.

Visually, Mother, I'm
like Roy Walker.

I say what I see.

And that's what I saw.

PHONE RINGS That will be
the Tate ringing me back.

Debbie Doonan speaking.
Hi, I'm a Sagittarius.

Hayley, it's for you!
And it's a Sagittarius.

So, what did that the
tit actually say?

It's Tate.

Nice Tates. Thanks.

I gave them a piece of my mind, Jo.
Jo Ho.

Johoyo. Johoyo? No.

Johoyo, whoa! Johoyo, go!

I bet you were vile. You are
really rude at the moment.

Me? Rude? Can I just point out
Simon came to meet this morning

asking what a labia was.

What did you say? I said it
was one up from a Ford Capri.

But it wasn't me that put that
word in his head, was it, Hayls?

I've got a beautiful crimson
labia with leather interiors.

Very unusual. Very
top of the range.

Johoyo, it's not a car.

I'm thinking of a
Renault tingy...

Clio? Clitoris.

My clitoris, she goes
like shit off the shovel.

Anyway, you are really rude when
you interrupt my phone calls.

It's my phone. It's my job.

When you work, it's meant
to be for money. So?

You don't get paid just for telling
people two things about each star sign.

How does money change hands?
Well...

See? See?

That is offensive.

Yes, you are one of the
rudest people I have met

and I have back-combed
Brian May.

Anyway, I only interrupted
your phone calls

so I could contact
the Tate gallery.

I cannot comprehend the level
of rudeness in this place!

Ah! Eh!

Lady, it's time to take the
thingamabobby wotsit off.

Are you sure you're
a proper stylist?

You know, Debbie, you're
starting to get on my mam jams.

You don't know what anything's called.
I said, shut up!

Or I'll knock you out with my...
cutty-cutty boom-booms.

Scissors?

Yeah.

Anyway, why are you getting
your knickers in a

twist about the Tate?
Because that bloody woman

nearly wiped out half my bloody
family in that bloody car.

She broke Andy's arm, Hayley.

Which bloody woman?
That bloody woman.

Which bloody woman?

No, she's here!
That bloody woman!

What?

When I'm older I shall be
a world-famous artist.

I shall live in London in my own
studio close by the King's Road

and I shall spend my days thus,
painting the beautiful people.

Let me see, girlfriend.

Who do think I am? Floella
friggin' Benjamin.

Nearly killed him, you did. Ran him
over at a set of traffic lights.

It was a roundabout.

Get your facts right.
I hate roundabouts.

And you broke my husband's arm.

It's women like you give Reading
a bad name. Puking on the telly.

Swearing all the time, it's a fucking
disgrace! You remind me of my mum.

I am not old enough to be your mum!
Eh, I do not approve of violence!

Can I buy you a drink?

Do you seriously think
I'm the type of person

who can be won over with a bit
of liquid refreshment? Hm?

ALL GIGGLE

I think you're hilarious.

So suburban. And
your image is so...

kitsch.

Oh, God, here we go!

She is like Viagra Falls.

It's just like Mummy.

Mummy committed suicide
on Christmas Day 1989.

What, did you buy her a
really shit present?

She gassed herself.

In a Ford Capri.

That's one step down
from a Fiat Labia.

Will you be my muse? Your what?

Her muse.

What does a muse do?

Be a-musing.

In a mews house.

Whilst... snotting up mucus.

ALL LAUGH

I guess I've just got
to hang out with her

and be her inspiration
at all times.

I mean, I'm not
surprised she asked me.

I am a pretty inspirational
kind of lady.

A pretty drunk kind of lady.

Simon, I've only had a couple of snowballs.
I'm not drunk.

You couldn't unzip
me, could you, son?

Not unless you want me to have
years of therapy, no, Father.

God, it's so unfair!
I need a pee.

No. I want to be an artist and
really prove myself as a painter

or a papier-mache expert, and
what does Mother go and do?

I'll do it, Andy. I'll hang on.

Becomes a muse for a bloody
world-famous artist.

Aghhh!

Which world-famous artist?

Stacey Bile.

Never heard of her.

That's because your family
isn't Bohemian like mine.

I've heard of artists.

Er, buying your mother a
Beryl Cook birthday card

does not make you Brian Sewell.

I've heard of Celine Dion.

She's a recording artist.

Anyway, I don't think you're
understanding my pain here, Kylie.

Stop making
everything about you.

Newsflash - it's not.

Get over yourself, girlfriend.

And while I was finding that
life could be unfair...

Ooh, that's spesh.

My mum was finding that life as
a muse could be very unfair.

Stacey Bile,

do you think this top
makes me look pregnant?

I am trying to concentrate.

Am I inspiring you
today, Stacey Bile?

No! Oh.

Would it help if I were
to sing you a song?

D Once upon a time
there was a tavern

d Where we used to raise
a glass or two... d

Shut up!

Sorry, Stacey Bile.

I've decided...

My next exhibition...

is going to be...

A load of paintings of me?
If you insist, lover.

A big tent.

Sewn with loads of panels

and on each panel will
be a different name

of someone sewn in who
has pissed me off.

And that's considered
art, is it?

It will be called...

The House Of Piss Off.

Can you sew?

Well, put it this way, this
pencil skirt didn't make itself.

You'd better get to work, then.

Sorry?

D All I wanna do

d All I wanna do

d All I wanna do is touch you... d

Good news from the pool - the
urine content is down to 9%.

SHE LAUGHS MANIACALLY

I bloody love The
Brittas Empire.

I know, that woman who
keeps crying is hilarious.

Faster.

It's the end of the world.

Carol, that's just stupid newspaper
talkcos of the millennium.

Look, you have got
to stop phoning me.

I really don't do this any more.

You're really good, but. You knew
I was a performer and everything.

I just read it from my book.

Look, would it help if I told
you I was Dannii Minogue?

Yeah, prove it.

Well, I'm a bit phlegmy.

D All I wanna do, all I wanna do

d All I wanna do is touch you. d

I may be blind, but right
now I wish I was deaf.

Oh, give us a go!

My nephew listens to Dannii
Minogue all the time.

Does he? I could send
him my autograph.

I'm really good at it. And
she doesn't sound like that.

She sounds like this...

d I should be so lucky
Lucky, lucky, lucky. d

That's NOT Dannii Minogue!
Oh. Who is it, then?

Look, it doesn't matter. Just tell
me something about my future.

Oh, for God's sake.

Um... never sit on a cold
chair, it gives you piles.

Oh, you're good.

I'm going to have to go now. And
you'll have to stop calling me.

I really need an
astrological guru.

I was sort of making it all up.

Iwas waiting to be caught out
and you caught me, so...

That's... how I feel.

D And dancing
behind movie scenes

d Behind those movie screens

d Asha Bhosle

d She's the one that
keeps the dream alive

d From the morning past the evening
To the end of the light... d

Are you done yet? Finished.

You're just taking the piss.
I'm not.

You can't even do an
Australian accent.

Come and meet me, then
you'll know for sure.

Anyway, why would Dannii
Minogue be calling me?

Because I'm on tour and I was in
Reading and I saw your poster...

Yeah, right Don't say
"yeah, right" to me.

I'm famous. I was
in Home And Away!

I was a huge in
Young Talent Time,

although I've lost a lot
of weight since then.

I was nominated for
a Silver Logie.

Go and play with
yourself, woman.

You know what, mate, I will.

All right then, go on, hang up.
You hang up.

You called me. You put up a poster
at the Well Woman's Clinic.

You stole it, loser. You
smell of wee, wee features.

Just hang up, woman.

Why should I? Bored.

Oh! OK, I promise never
to call you again...

There is a God.

If you tell me just one
nice thing about my future.

You're gonna go a long,
long way because...

one day you'll get the X factor.

Are you sure you're her muse or just
her plain old-fashioned skivvy?

I'm helping create her vision, Andy,
it's a crucial part of the process.

As long as it doesn't take over your life.
It won't.Like finger-knitting.

I got help for that.
You did. So...

everything's grand. It is.

Except she wants me to go up London
with her on Friday, just for the day...

and night...

and possibly the whole weekend.
What?!

She's got this new
exhibition opening on

Saturday. She's gotta
spend time putting it up.

Then. Who's going to make the tea?
You're so sexist, Andy.

What about my feckin' arm?
Hayley can make the tea.

She'd better be paying you well,
this Stacey feckin' Bile.

Ripping you away from the
bosom of your family

like this. I'm supporting
the arts, Andy.

I'm supporting the arts. Why else
would I let him be doing that?

Be warned, I'm going
through my Pubist Ceriod.

I think you'll find you
mean Cubist Period, lover.

I know all the jargon.

Brilliant. You've
captured me perfectly.

That look of ironic, sort of
demi-monde-ishness is uncanny.

Simon, you've given me wonky
nostrils and a lazy eye.

Whoops, sorry!

And so, as Mum made her way off to
the Big Smoke for the weekend...

Lucky bitch.

Aunty Hayley was left in
charge of child care.

Someone pass me the
paprika, please.

Atchoo!

What are you actually
making, Aunty Hayley?

A veritable feast, dear boy -

Kismish kofta, jerky
chicken jalfrezi

and a big sloppy
bowl ofdum aloo.

Fabulous. Wicked.

Now, food made by a blind person
might look hideous, but actually...

It's absolutely gorgeous.

Much better than the usual
bland crap your mum makes.

D All I wanna do, all I wanna do

d All I wanna do is touch you. d

Are you all right, Hayley?
Who sings that, Kylie?

Duh! My sister.

Spicy food makes me sleepy.

Oh, I feel like Snow White
with all her dwarves.

Sleepy, Slutty, Campy and Vampy.

It always makes me have
really weird dreams.

Weird like you're being dry humped
in the middle of Victor Value

by Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew,
Cuthbert, Dibble and Grubb?

No, more like I dream
I'm doing voiceovers

for '70s American TV programmes.
You know, that kind of thing.

Aunty Hayley, to continue our
Indian theme will you teach us

some Bollywood dancing later?

We want to get Bangra'd up to
the eyeballs, baby. Of course.

I'm a really hot
mover, nay, groover.

Yis!

Meanwhile, 40 miles away in London, a
certain muse was well, not amused.

Debbie, will you concentrate
for five minutes!

Don't shout at me, darling,
I'm meant to be your muse.

If I can't shout at my muse,
who the hell can I shout at?

Your voice is really
getting on my Tates now.

We've got to get this up ahead
of the exhibition tomorrow.

It wasn't my stupid idea to
make a bloody tent, was it?

It's a statement of my
own personal experience,

it's incredibly important.

How did Tony Hart piss you off?

Listen, bitch, stop
asking questions.

We're staying up all night
to nail this mutha,

so get with the programme.

Now!

BOLLYWOOD MUSIC PLAYS

And change that light bulb.

We're changing it, baby.
We is changing it!

Dad!

Dad?!

Dad! Steve Austin, astronaut.

Dad, can dum aloo make
you go into labour?

Stronger, faster...

Dad! Come back! Dad!

Ow!

CRASHING

MUSIC CONTINUES

What's going on?
What's the matter?

Is everything all right?
Take a wild guess!

My little girl's
gone into labour.

Oh, is that all? We were
having a dance class.

Simon!

Have you phoned
for an ambulance?

I find it hard to dial
with my left hand.

Give me the phone.

We won't have to look
at her fanny, will we?

Piss off, gaylord!

The vagina is a beautiful part
of a woman's body, Kylie.

How do you know,
you've never seen one.

I get the feeling you
never will, either.

Just phone the bloody
ambulance, woman.

Tone of voice, Andy.
This is an emergency.

Which is why I'm phoning
the emergency services.

Turn away. Eh?

This is my moment. Turn away.

Turn away from...? I
forbid you to look at it.

Turn away. I bloody made it.

Look away.

Piss off.

Do you know what I'm
going to do now?

Tell me how your
mummy died, again.

I'm going to open this champagne

and drink it.

All to myself. Toasting me.

I'm the best modern British artist
in Britain in modern times.

And I deify myself, I'm
that fucking amazing.

And you... You...

You will look away... now.

If it means looking
away from you,

I'll gladly do it.

Ah, mm, tastes so much better when
you're a Turner Prize winner.

Have you got a Turner
Prize, Debbie?

No, because you're a
common garden barmaid.

I know now why your mummy
committed suicide.

I used you, Debbie. Cos
you were her daughter.

I used you for your
sewing skills.

Like that's a skill.

The only talent in this
whole room is my mind.

Got that? You thick bitch.

Look away, Stacey. Look
away from my handiwork.

Charles Saatchi was going to
buy that for eight million.

Shit on a brick, love.
See if he'll buy that.

As you were. Debbie!

SHE SCREAMS

SHE WAILS

Simon, can you phone the
ambulance and see where

the hell they've got to?
I just tried.And...?

20 minutes, there's a really
big pile-up on the ring road.

They're all hands to the pump. Dad,
drive me to hospital. With one hand?

I'm going to have
to bloody drive.

Simon, can you drive? I'm 14!

Kylie? Ditto.

There's only one thing for it.
Come on. Eh?

It's not that far to
the bloody hospital.

Simon can shout out directions.
This is madness.

Argh!

Right, right, right.
Right, right!

Andy, who's driving
this car, me or you?

I hate back-seat drivers. I'm in the
passenger seat. Keep your legs shut, bitch.

'To say Aunty Hayley
took to driving like a

duck to water would be
somewhat of a lie.'

Straight ahead. Please hurry up!

Yeah, or we're going to have to deliver the
baby. That means wehave to see her minge!

Shut up, Kylie! CAR HORN BLARES

Forward, forward! This
is a piece of piss.

Now take your foot of the gas, Hayley.
Which one's the gas?

The one that's not the brake! Which
one's the brake? Sweet Jesus!

Andy, who's driving?

SHE FARTS LOUDLY

Actually, I don't think
I was in labour.

I think it was all
that spicy food.

You feckin' eejit. My
friggin' arm's killing me!

Andy, you broke it.

My other arm, you silly old cow!

Oh...

I know that look.

It says, "One day, my son will
be the king of window dressing."

Well, maybe not
"king" exactly...

I'm back.

Hello?

Ooh.

Dum aloo.

My favourite.

DOORBELL

Sorry, love. Some prick smashed into the
Kate Winslet statue on the roundabout.

Come on, how frequent
are the contractions?

I am not pregnant!

There's nothing nicer
than cold kofta kishmish.

Up. Up!

My dad was now truly disarmed,

defenceless in the face of
Hayley's hot beefy bowl.

"Once upon a time, there were three
little girls and they went to

"the police academy where they were
assigned very hazardous duties..."

Andy!

Stay with me!

So, you bought it?

At an auction, yes.
But you can't drive.

I'm a very good driver, Ijust
haven't passed my test.

What?

You're terrible, Muriel.

Bollocks!

Mum, what's going on?

D Don't let them go
don't let them go

d Take a beautiful dream

d And let it show

d Don't let them go

d Don't let them go

d Take a beautiful dream

d And let it grow grow,
grow, grow, grow! d

ENJOY! Do not miss
this tomorrow!