Beautiful People (2008–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - How I Got My Camp - full transcript

ENJOY! Do not miss this tomorrow!
D Ah

d Don't let them go

d Don't let them go

d Take a beautiful
dream and let it show

d Don't let them go

d Don't let them go

d Take a beautiful dream

d And let it grow Grow,
grow, grow, grow... d

This programme contains
some strong language.

How can they have given
me YOU as an assistant?

It makes no sense.



I don't look at you and think

"design creative free-thinker".

I think... Ricky Hatton's

slightly scuzzier brother.

Who's this gonna be again?
Oprah Winfrey?

No, she's bigger much than that.

Moira Stuart?

Michelle Obama, AKA Goddess.

The second Jackie O and the
First Lady of Fashion.

You could stick her in a Kwik Save
bag, and she'd still ooze panache.

This display is going to rock.

Speak.

Parlez-vous?!

When did you first
realise you was...



what's the word...?

Gay? Queer? Bumbaclarty?

Camp as Bruno.

'Hmm.

'Let me think.

'It was a good question.

'What made the boy next door as
butch as a dribbling Wayne Rooney

'and me as camp as a
row of mauve tents?

'Was it, perchance, my
mother's insistence

'on re-enacting hit musicals
in our through-lounge?'

d A boy like that who'd
kill your brother

d Forget that boy
and find another

d One of your own kind Stick
to your own kind... d

SOBBING

MUSIC: "Wake Me Up Before
You Go-Go" by Wham

'Or was it because of
her choice of pram

'when she brought me back
from the maternity hospital?'

GIGGLING

'Or was it, perchance, related
to the size of my hair?'

I think he's gonna play
left back for Reading Town.

D There's no business
like show business

d Like no business I know... d

Or maybe not.

'What I do know, however, is that I
first understood what camp meant -

'and, like, totally got it -

'the summer I turned 14.'

Are you smoking, Simon Doonan?

It's an affectation, Mother.
Get over it.

'The annual highlight of my
youth was our summer vacation.'

Eugh, either she's got a Brillo
Pad wedged between her legs

or them's her pubes.

Oh...

It's a dead spider. Oh.

'Usually, we had ten days

'at some recycled Second World War
airplane hangars in Minehead,

'otherwise known as Butlins.

'But this particular year, we
were in for something different.'

Mes enfants? Mis childrenos?

Your dad's got an
announcement to make.

Well... you see...
It's really exciting.

You're gonna be over the moon.
It's just...

Spit it out! You put the
"pro" into "prevaricating".

That's not how you spell it.
Can I speak, please?

What is it, Dad? Well...

things have been going
well at work lately.

So, this summer, why don't
we go on holiday...

abroad?

DEBBIE AND ANDY: d
Diddly-diddly, dee-dee

d Diddly-diddly, dee-dee! d

"Abroad" means "not
in this country".

I know!

These are our shocked faces.

Ole!

I believe Monte Carlo is
heavenly this time of the year.

And they say you haven't lived

until you've sashayed in the Seychelles
eating sushi on the seashore.

You took the words right out
of my mouth, girlfriend!

Going anywhere nice for your
summer holidays this year, Reba?

Slut. Who are you?
Me hairdresser?

If only!

I'd certainly never let you wander
round with that scarily retro do.

Glass houses, Debbie.

Where?

Anyway, don't you think I
look a bit like Grace Jones?

With that walk? More
like Vinnie Jones.

Kyle and I shan't be taking
a vacation this year.

'Now, you might think
it slightly odd

'that someone with a
Manchester accent

'might be living in
late-millennial Reading.

'But there's a reason for that.'

MUSIC: "Tragedy" by Bee Gees

'Once upon a time, Kylie did
actually live in Manchester.

'He also lived in fear...

'of the man he had the
misfortune to call his dad.'

No! Come on!

'Which is why, when
he was sent to prison

'for thumping the
bejesus out of them,

'a women's charity relocated
Reba and Kylie to a safe house -

'somewhere where he
wouldn't find them.

'Over the road to us.

'And it also explains why
they didn't feel the need

'to go away en vacances.

'Life without Papa was one
long holiday in itself.

'And it also explains why Reba,

'despite not completely endorsing her
son's campness from time to time...'

Batty boy! Batty boy!
Batty... bwoy!

HE MOUTHS

Your mum bought you that?

We're fostering
her for the week.

Her owner's having a fistula
plugged in Penge, so...

She's divine! What's her name?

BARKS Ow!

GROWLS QUIETLY

Madonna.

'Reba had always wanted
an en suite toilet.

'And in Reading, so they say,

'dreams come true.'

Shit!

Oh, Andy, can you bob
round and sort me out?

I'm gushing all over the place.

Let's get one thing
straight, Reba.

You just... you keep
your hands to yourself.

Oh, Andy! How many times?

Your Welsh accent
does nothing for me.

This shouldn't take too long.

REBA SCREAMS, ANDY GROANS

That's what I call quick work.

Where's my plunger gone?

Somewhere very intimate.

Pull it out with your teeth.

Oh!

Oh!

'It's true what they say.

'Hell hath no fury
like a Reba scorned.

'And she was gonna make
him pay for spurning her.

'I said "spurning".'

d ...You make me feel so good

d You are too bad, bad, bad... d

PHONE RINGS

Hello, Doonan Drainage, Debbie speaking.
How can I help?

Oh. Can I move you
to another date?

Hello? Hello?

Why does everyone
keep cancelling?

Search me. But you
know what this means.

Uh, due to your dad's
work, or lack of it,

we're not gonna be able to afford
that holiday abroad this year.

Oh, bollocks!

Let's face facts.

We're not gonna be able to
afford any holiday this year.

Shit, guy! I've gone and told
everyone at Intermediate Feng Shui!

And I've told everyone
at tap class!

Simon, you don't do a tap class.

I do in my head! Duh!

Yeah, well, we all do, in our heads.
Don't we?

Can't you get more
shifts at work and shit?

I'm personia non grassy arse
at the pub since the...

Well, let's just call it the flaming
Sambuca and hair extension incident.

I'd go on the game, but who
wants a pregnant prozzy?

Oh, Ashlene, that
is so sweet of you.

If slightly weird.

You know, I think I
might have a solution.

This ain't got nothing to do with
your old job, has it, Hayls?

It'd just be one
last drop, Debbie.

I'd be doing it for us.
For our holiday.

For Fuengirola.

What job's this?

Never you mind, Ashlene.

'Back in the 1980s, being
blind made Aunty Hayley

'the perfect accomplice
for Dodgy Rog,

'one of Reading's
finest drug dealers.'

d Notorious... d

'Now Hayley was renewing
her criminal contacts

'to raise the cash to help
us Carry On Abroad...'

IMITATING RUSSIAN ACCENT: Red Fox
says take the clutch bag of dreams.

'...or not.'

Oi!

You just nicked her trolley.
Come here.

I-I'm blind!

'Fortunately, Aunty Hayley looked
like the sort of angelic creature

'who wouldn't say
boo to a goose.'

Say boo to it! No.

Say boo to it! I refuse!

Boo the goose! Go on!

I don't like scaring wildfowl!

Boo!

Go on. No.

Please? I said no.

Just a quickie.

What am I, Andy?
A piece of meat?

No.

Though, if you were, you'd
be prime Kobe beef.

I beg your pardon?

It's like the most expensive
meat you can find.

It's still meat, Andrew Doonan.

Ooh, she's got a cob on!
She called me Andrew.

Be very grateful it wasn't
something rhyming with "castard".

Or "shunt".

What's got into you? Not me.

Oh!

Are you completely stupid, Andy?

I am mortified, all right?

I've been swanking to anyone who'll
listen about our foreign holiday.

Too much swanking
makes you go blind.

Oh! Everyone down the shops.

Everyone in the cul-de-sac. I even
told an 'omeless person yesterday.

Jeez, you really rubbed his
nose in it, didn't you?

The desire was there, Andy -

the desire to tell
people my good news.

Now it's been robbed from me,

like the wine I robbed
from that homeless guy.

That's outrageous. And
what have I got left?

A very cheap bottle
of Thunderbird?

No! I drank most
of it on the bus,

then gave the remnants to Pissy
Pauline from number six.

I've been left with
nothing, Andy.

Nada. Nunca. Niete. Vienetta.

I'm a shadow of my former self.

You don't have nothing.

You've sex on tap with
me whenever you want it.

Like... now?

Oh, piss off, Andy!

Can you turn your light off?
I'm trying to sleep.

I feel like Yootha Joyce
in George And Mildred.

Well, your hair's big enough.
Is it?

HAYLEY: Too right!

Even I can tell it's massive.

What are you doing
in our bedroom?

My portable telly's
on the blink.

So you're treating us as, what...
a soap opera?

Hmm. I see you more like This
Life, but without the lawyers.

Or the sharp one-liners,
come to the think of it.

Or the sex. I'm turning
out the light out now.

Won't make any difference to me!

Hayley, it's not right -

watching people sleep.

That's not TV.

Who on earth would
want to watch that?

'This was, of course, before the
advent of Big Brother Live.'

Look, I have a plan.

RINGS BELL House meeting!

We... are going on holiday.

You didn't do that drugs
drop in Droitwich Street,

you drastically
deranged dragoon?

No! As if.

I wouldn't! d Notorious... d

So, this holiday -

how are we gonna afford it?

We stay here.

Well, we tell everyone
we're going abroad -

Fuengirola, Wankipor, wherever -

but really, we batten
down the hatches,

we get in a couple of sunbeds,

and we make our own
holiday right here.

No. No, we couldn't.

Couldn't we? I wouldn't
know the difference.

Except I probably wouldn't
get Spanish tummy.

You would if I made my
beany fanjitas again.

Very true.

The neighbours'd twig. The
van'd still be outside.

Tell them we're leaving it here,

getting a taxi to the airport
in the dead of night.

They'd be none the wiser. What
about Insomniac Sue at 22?

She's never away from them nets.

Slip a couple of Mogadon
in her cocoa... again.

It's certainly one way of saving
face with the neighbours.

Mm. The girls at work.

The homeless.

'And that is how
La Famille Doonan

'came to have the
holiday of a lifetime.'

What was that you asked me?

Where am I holidaying this year?

Fire Island. Should be a laugh.

I imagine there'll be disco-dancing
contests every night,

and they will just,
like, go mad for me.

A beach holiday's like ketamine.

You just can't beat it.

'Even Ashlene joined in the fun,
though she got it slightly wrong.'

I can't wait to go to Lesbos. I'm
gonna feel really at home there.

What?!

See you, Sue! Enjoy your cocoa!

Hiya, Debbie!

What on earth is that?
Found it in a skip.

Who needs an 'oliday

when you've got the Eiffel
Tower in your front garden?

Got the Statue of
Liberty round the back.

Thought you were standing funny.

See you in two weeks.

'So, whilst on the outside it
looked like we had gone away,

'inside we'd created
our own private Idaho.

'Well, our own private
Butlins anyway.'

d Dicka-dee-dee-doo
Dicka-dicka-dee-doo

d Hi-dee, hi-dee-ho

d Dicka-dee-dee-doo
Dicka-dicka-dee-doo

d Hi-dee, hi-dee-ho

d Hooray, hooray

d It's a holi-holiday

d Sing a summer
song We skip along

d Holi-holiday. d

d I wear my sunglasses at night

d So I can, so I can

d Watch you weave and
breathe your story lines. d

d I got my swim cap and
comb and my paperback book

d That I'm almost through

d I got my lipstick and
mirror and my suntan lotion

d And my camera too

d I got my beach bag full
of all the necessary items

d For a day in the sun

d And, of course, it wouldn't be

d Like me if I
didn't bring along

d Some sunglasses

d Ooh-ooh

d To hide behind. d

d If we took a holiday

d Took some time to celebrate

d Just one day out of life

d It would be

d It would be so nice. d

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

What you sat there for?
Lazy arse!

Madonna's on her monthlies.
Didn't want to mark the carpet.

You shouldn't be afraid of womanly
functions, you big fat batty!

I'd rather be a batty
than a twatty!

Argh!

SQUEALS: Get off!

And contestant number two in the
Holiday Princess Beauty Pageant

is Hayley de Souza from Reading.

Miss de Souza, what is
your motto in life?

"If it's got a pulse,
it's got a chance"?

CLEARS HER THROAT

I just wanna help the less fortunate
than myself and create world peace.

GIGGLES

Could you step away, please,
contestant number two?

You've a tangy scent
of Bo about you?

Bo? BO, darlin'.

Could you note that,
please, chief judge?

She's a bit whiffy pit-wise.

Yeah, well, at least, Debs, it's just
my pits and nothing further south.

Ooh! Bitch!

Ow! Ooh!

'While we were play fighting...'

Fanny-bone her! Go on!
Smack her one, Debbie.

'...Kylie and his mum
were doing it for real.'

You're more like a
daughter than a son!

Going out, leaving me alone! I
gave you that dog, didn't I?

I've got to go to work! I
could get up to all sorts.

Run away. Take drugs.
Set fire to meself.

You want lockin' up, weirdo!

I've got matches! Do it!

I want Madonna!

D ...We are the people of love. d

Brilliant!

That was Ashlene Doonan
and People Of Love.

Well done, Ashlene.

The little girl with the big lungs,
as her Uncle Curon used to say.

It wasn't "lungs".

And next up in the Camp Talent
Contest is Simon Doonan from Reading

and he is going to lip-sync
Bette Midler and The Rose.

Oh!

D Some say love

d It is a river... d

Oh, I loved this film.
Oh, I know. I know.

I cried for days.

I almost toyed with alcoholism
as a result, but...

Wasn't it based on the
life of Janice Battersby?

No, the other one.
Oh, Janice Long?

Joplin.

D ...It is a razor

d That leaves

d Your soul to bleed

d Some say love

d It is a hunger

d An endless aching need

d I say love

d It is a flower...
d Silly bitch.

And contestant number three is
Debbie Doonan from Reading.

All right, love. We
know where I'm from.

She's gonna be doing an impression of...
Shirley Bassey.

D Eezer Goode, Eezer Goode

d He's Ebeneezer Goode

d Eezer Goode, Eezer Goode

d He's Ebeneezer Goode... d

Industrial espionage
at three o'clock.

D ...Eezer Goode, Eezer Goode... d

MUFFLED: d... He's
Ebenezer Goode

d Eezer Goode, Eezer Goode

d He's Ebenezer Goode

d Has anybody got any veras? d

Simon Doonan from Reading
will perform a special dance

he has devised to the theme
music from Juliet Bravo.

MUSIC: "Theme to Juliet Bravo"

SCREAMS

So...

he's found out our
little secret.

What are we gonna do?

Kill him.

Ashlene!

How do we know we can trust him?

He's my best friend. I'd
trust him with my life!

Well...

I'd trust him with
my CD collection.

Well, some of it.

Possibly not my One For
Sorrow Remix by Steps,

cos it's actually signed by H?

It wasn't H. I forged it.

I just told you I'd bumped into
him in Gateways for a laugh.

Bitch! I swear,

I won't tell a soul. Not
if you let me join in.

You leave us with a
conundrum, Kylie.

Stay here, and your mother
will wonder where you are.

Yes.

She won't even notice I've gone.

I have a solution.

He comes each day
as a day visitor

and returns to his
mother at night.

A bit like boarding school, without
the insistence on buggery.

But you breathe a word
of this, Kylie, and...

Madonna gets it.

What were you doing
when I arrived?

We were in the very final stages
of the Camp Talent Contest.

MUSIC: "Gypsies, Tramps
& Thieves" by Cher

d ...We'd hear it from the people
of the town, they'd call us... d

Oh, I've always loved Lulu.

But I can never work out if
she's a gypsy, tramp or thief.

Tramp.

D ...And lay their money down... d

You all right, lover? Yes.

He's jealous. Of what?

Kylie being better than you.

HE SCOFFS

He's got two left feet and
a dicky solar plexus.

I must go.

There's a baby
crying in Chalet 14.

D Gypsies, tramps and thieves

d We'd hear it from the people
of the town, they'd call us... d

Cheebes.

Cheebes? Short for
"Cheers, babes".

Cheebes!

SIGHS: This is the life.

Is it?

It feels so fabulous to
be the all-out winner.

They only let you win, because
they felt sorry for you,

because you're from
a broken home,

and your mum's, like,
a battered wife.

Put your green-eyed
monster away, sweetie.

It's so not a good look.

HE SIGHS

It'll be champagne in the fast
lane when we move to The Smoke.

Champagne and cocaine. I'm
gonna get a huge problem.

Me too.

I'm just gonna be completely charlied
off my mong box, like... constantly.

All the beautiful
people are in rehab.

SIGHS: I can't wait.

I might even have completely
inappropriate relationships

with my drugs counsellor.

I'm gonna have, like, a
near-death experience

and write about it in my
memoirs in a chapter called,

I Knew I Was Right - I Saw The Lights...
In Tights.

I wish this WAS champagne.

Yes, but we're drinking it
as if it was champagne.

I wish this really was Butlins.

But we're treating it
as if it was Butlins.

I wish life was like
this all the time.

Then we should live our
lives as if it was.

'And it was in that moment I
understood what "camp" was.

'Doing things "as if".'

What?

I'm going to open these
curtains as if...

I was in a Hollywood movie.

Don't! People will look in
and see we're actually here.

What?

Who's that?

My dad.

Dad?

(Where's your mam?) (I dunno.)

Phone her. Warn her.

KNOCKING

Where's the silly bitch? Oi!

Oh, Jesus.

It's going to answerphone.

Has your mum got a mobile?

No.

Hey, Reba, it's Andy.

Listen, your ex is next door
- Kylie's dad.

Oi, you can't just go
barging into my house!

Piss off!

And now he's heading to yours.

Go and stop him, Andy.

Oh, no, look. Leave this to me.

Nice house, Reba.

Argh...! GLASS SMASHES

GASPS: You OK, And?

Take a wild feckin' guess!

Oh, my God!

Oh, lover. All right?

I've gotta go and help her.

I'd better phone the police.

Kylie, what if he hits you?

This time, I'll hit him back.

REBA: We're having a good time
here, and you come around

and balls everything up.

Queer arse! Don't call him that.
He's a good lad.

He's my son, and I love him.
Well, he's no son of mine.

What? With all the blokes
you were shagging?!

Oh, will you listen to yourself?
You were on the game, Reba.

Is it any wonder I have me doubts?
No son of mine...

no son of mine is no
bloody nancy boy.

Stop calling him that! Shut up!

I'm not scared of
you now, you know?

Oh, shut up!

It's good to hit a woman.

Gives her vitamins.

SIMON OVER MEGAPHONE:
This is the police.

Come outside with your hands
above your head or else.

Have you phoned the pigs? No.

You've phoned the friggin' pigs!
DOG SNARLS

CHOMP! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Jeez!

GROANS

PANTS

Look who it is. It's
fucking queer arse.

All right, queer arse?

Argh!

SQUELCH

SIREN WAILS

'Reba had lost her husband.

'And now she made sure she
didn't lose her son.'

He was on a suicide mission.

Said if he couldn't have me,
his life weren't worth living.

Then he just...

chucked himself out the window.

Skewered himself on
the Eiffel Tower.

DOORBELL RINGS

I just wanted to
check you were OK.

Oh, I'm fine, yeah.

Do you wanna come in?

I know we don't always
see eye to eye,

but it ain't right, what he did.

Kylie?

No, I was talking about Kylie's dad.
Why? What did Kylie do?

Nothing. KYLIE SIGHS

What's up with you?

You called me Kylie.

And at times like these, us
women should stick together.

I ain't no lezzo. Neither am I.

But you've got one
living with you.

She's not a lesbian,
she's an Asian.

I knew she was something weird.

Listen, if you ever fancy some
company, or a drink, just...

Well, you know where we are.

Debbie?

I spread it round that
Andy made a pass at me.

In the pantyhose region.

That's why all the
women on the estate

started cancelling his plumbing work.
I'm sorry.

Anything else you want
to add to the list?

No.

Though I did say he was miniscule
in the manhood department.

Anyway, listen, yeah, I'll put word
about how it were all bollocks, yeah?

You do that, bitch-face.

Oh!

'Kylie's mourning lasted...
an afternoon.

'His dad's death meant
that, once again,

'his fabulosity could
shine through.

'Life's too short
to hide your light,

'which is why I'll always be

'a happy camper.'

MUSIC: "Venus" by Bananarama

d She's got it

d Yeah, baby, she's got it... d

So, "camp" means doing something
"as if" you're doing it?

Yes, so, currently,

I am standing in the middle of
a well-known department store,

that may or may
not sell fridges,

as if... standing in the middle
of a well-known department store

that may or may
not sell fridges.

So, I am brushing
the Obama dungaree

as if brushing the
Obama dungaree.

Yes.

And I am fondling your package,

because I find you
strangely delicious...

as if fondling your package,

because I find you
strangely delicious.

That's not camp, that's gay.

Sometimes straight
people are so wise.

D Don't let them go

d Take a beautiful
dream and let it show

d Don't let them go

d Don't let them go

d Take a beautiful dream and let
it grow, grow, grow, grow, grow. d

ENJOY! Do not miss
this tomorrow!