Beautiful People (2008–…): Season 2, Episode 3 - How I Got My Water Feature - full transcript
Simon recalls the gardening frenzy of 1998 when, inspired by television programme, 'Ground Force',everyone wanted a water feature, including him. To raise the money for one he and Kylie work as Saturday boys in Monsieur Antoine's boutique, where they excel, until Aunty Hayley comes in for a bra fitting, which ends up taking place in the shop window. Inspired by hunky Tiger, Reba's personal trainer, the boys make their own fitness video, which leads to friction between Reba and Ashlene and the creation, by default, of Simon's very own water feature. Still, he gets to duet with Elaine Paige.
ENJOY! Do not miss this tomorrow!
D Ah
d Don't let them go
d Don't let them go
d Take a beautiful
dream and let it show
d Don't let them go
d Don't let them go
d Take a beautiful
dream and let it glow
d Glow, glow, glow, glow
d Na na na na na... d
This programme contains
some strong language
Your windows are, like...
totally awesome.
So, you worked in
the States, right?
Right. Barney's, New York.
Awesome!
So which part of
America are you from?
Oh, stop shitting me!
You seriously think I'm
from the States and stuff?
Well, your accent...
You're totally gonna freak,
but I'm so from Neasden.
You think I sound American?
Well, I think the two vocabularies
are kind of merging, I guess.
I'm totally gonna
LOL about that.
ROFL, even.
HE MOUTHS
So, what makes you want to hop over
to this side of the pond and stuff?
Well. I've done two years now
at Barney's, doing the windows.
That's so cool.
And I guess I want to think bigger.
Simon...
When you want something,
dude, do you like...
totally go out and
make sure you get it?
'Now, let me think.'
When I was 14, the whole
country was obsessed with...
And now on BBC One...
'...Ground Force.'
d Bring on the Dimmock! d
CLAPPING AND BARKING
d Get your Dimmocks
out for the lads! d
KLAXON
Overnight, everyone
became green-fingered.
Previously ignored back passageways
were rejuvenated with decking,
tea lights,
ivy-strewn trellises.
Or should that be trelli?
So it's no wonder that I decided
that the only thingthat could
make my life complete was...
A water feature. A what?
No, not a what.
A water feature.
I find the sound of
trickling water soothing.
Really? Just makes
me want to go wee.
I find weeing soothing.
I'm like that with sniffing glue.
Uhhh.
So, what do you say, Mater?
Oh, Simon! Don't get in the
way when I'm exercising.
What is she wearing?!
'Come on!'
Yashmak and burka!
Oh, is it that Muslim keep-fit lady?
Fit Farka?
She's got really beguiling eyes.
'This next one's the one I
call "Let me into the mosque!"
'So come on!
'Batter those doors down!'
We don't really have the money for a
water feature. Not at the moment.
Quelle surprise
Auntie Hayley, what
are you doing?
What does it look
like she's doing?
Yeah, Simon, what are you, blind?
Whoo!
Oh! That was my face!
Sorry. We are planting
out some perky pansies.
This bra is really
cutting into me.
Too much information, sweetie!
What's so brilliant about a
bloody water feature anyway?
Charlie Dimmock swears by them.
What does she do? Stand next
to 'em and shout "Twat"? Wooh!
There were certain women in life
to whom my mother took
an instant dislike.
This is for being a milk
snatcher, Thatcher.
'A certain ex-prime minister...
This is for the miners.
'...For the effect
she had on...'
This is for Clause 28.
'...well, everything.
180!
'And Charlie Dimmock...'
He'd want to see Charlie wrestling
these old pipes out of the ground.
'...For the effect she
had on my father.
Oh, get over it, Debbie!
No, she is. She's a VDL.
Very dirty lady.
What? Just cos she
doesn't wear a bra?
Oh, she walks around
with 'em bangin' about
like two space hoppers.
It's obscene, Hayls.
Thank God on this occasion
you ain't got eyes,
cos they're a sight for
sore ones, I'm telling you.
Maybe she's a lesbian?
Why d'you say that, lover?
Well, when I was at Greenham, we
very rarely bothered with bras.
You very rarely bothered with
personal hygiene, Hayls.
Or razors, let's be honest.
Still say Dimmock's a dyke.
I don't think she bows at the
altar of the Lesbeterian Church.
She's got too much of a twinkle
for Alan Titchmarsh.Ew.
Simon? Debbie? Come out
and have a look at this!
Talking of bras, I
need a new one.
I think I've gone up a size.
You often do during
the menopause.
Cheeky bitch!
What's that? Wait a sec.
Here, film this. Why?
Well, if something goes wrong,
we can send it to Lisa Riley.
You've Been Framed?
Ta-da!
Well, you said you wanted a water feature.
I meant a proper one.
One you'd buy.
From a shop.
You don't like it? No.
Possibly because it's
complete and utter shit.
Hey, you cheeky little bastard!
I sweated... minutes...
working over this!
Jeez! I can't get
over you, Simon!
Try a stepladder, love!
Look at my face! I'm
the epitome of misery!
'And indeed I was.
So much so that...
'my headmistress decided
I needed counselling.'
I'm not being funny, but you look
really fricked off about something.
'Miss Perrin was one
of those teachers
'who thought she was down with
the kids if she pseudo-swore.
'In fact, it just made me
loathe her even more.'
You've got a grid on you like
a slapped backside, Si, lar.
Lighten up, kid!
Frick the frown off!
Flog your golly and smile.
'If Miss Perrin fancied
herself as a counsellor,
'something told me she
hadn't grasped the basics.'
And how would you feel...
if you had to come
to this school?
Surrounded by senseless
oiks and latter-day thugs,
festooned head to toe
in man-made fibres.
It takes every last drop of
energy to get through the day,
never mind with a bloody
smile on my face, woman!
I'm not being funny, but can
you try and think of something
that'd make you, well, happy?
No.Try!
Jesus!
I'd really like it...
if the first lady of musical
theatre, Elaine Paige, taught here
and asked me to do a duet
with her on No More Tears?
KNOCKING
'And as if by magic...'
Oh, Simon!
D It's raining, it's pouring
d My love life is boring
d Me to tears
d After all these years
d No sunshine, no moonlight
d No stardust, no
sign of romance
d We don't stand a chance
D Enough is enough is enough
d I can't go on, I can't go on
d No more, no
d Enough is enough is enough
d I want him out
d I want him out
that door now... d
Enough is enough!
Or failing that, I suppose what
would really make me happy is...
a water feature.
Simon...
I know you're different
from the other boys here.
Your award-winning collage
of Carol Vorderman
made completely from sequins
is testament to that.
But there is no reason why you shouldn't
be as happy as everyone else.
ALARM BELL RINGS
Your time's up, love. Shut
the door on your way out.
'Maybe she would make
a good therapist.'
But I've not finished.
I'm not being funny, Simon,
but you're starting to
get on my tits now.
Think of your water feature.
Go out and get it.
Now...
I need to crack on
with me decking.
D La mer... d
'If the onus on buying a water
featurewas going to be on me,
'then there was only
one thing for it.
'Kylie and I would lie about our
ages and take Saturday jobs.'
My name is Monsieur Antoine,
and you will work in my high-class
fashion boutique ever-ery Saturday
from ten o'clock du matin
jusqu'a six o'clock du...
pas matin.
Yes, Monsieur Antoine.
J'habite a cote de la
boulangerie, Monsieur Antoine.
Le weekend.
'We had to keep the Saturday
jobs a secret from my mum,
'because Saturday jobs were
one of her many "pet hates".'
Hello and welcome to God I Really
Hate That! with me, Debbie Doonan.
And me, Andy Doonan.
What's been getting on
your tits this week, Debs?
Andy, I tell you what's really
been getting on my goat,
and that is Saturday jobs.
Saturday jobs? Do me a favour!
It's more like slave labour!
Here we go!
Children should be out in the
countryside getting air in their lungs.
Anyone who denies them that is
little more than a paedophilly.
Phile. Paedophile. She gets it
mixed up with Caerphilly cheese.
Well, I know which one I'd
rather spread on my toast!
No, but seriously, if you're
watching this, Simon...
Simon's our son, he's great.
Toying with the idea of a Saturday
job, the simple answer is...
Don't!
No, it's brilliant, I love it.
What's that, Reba? Group sex
with a gang of strangers? Slut!
No, this new exercise
class I go to.
I don't need no classes, Reba.
Not now I've got my new Fat Farka
video, thank you very much.
Fit Farka. Oh, thanks, love.
It's based around a
popular dance craze.
The Macarena? The Frug?
The Slosh.
They've based a new exercise
craze around the Slosh?
Slosh-A-Cise. I'm addicted.
And the bloke what
runs it, Tiger.
I'd love to get that tiger in me tank!
Hm, fit?
He really is a fit farka.
How fit are we talking?
Hm. If he was an old movie star,
he'd be like Gary Cooper.
If he was a '70s sitcom star,
would he be Gary Coleman?
What you talkin' about, Debbie?
George Clooney? Rosemary Clooney?
More like George Michael.
Or Michael Douglas?
Douglas Fairbanks Junior? Junior
who sang Mama Used To Say?
- He's kinda like all of
them rolled into one. - Oh.
You could do with losing
some weight, Hayls.
I mean, you said yourself
your boobs have expanded.
A lot of people are staring
at you, mouthing "Porky Pig".
That woman's gonna
throw a stone at you.
Ah! Duck!
Ow, that hurt!
All right, you leave her alone,
just because she's a bit porksy.
Porksy?! I'm gonna take
you to Slosh-A-Cise.
When's the class, Reba?
I'm going there now.
Come on, Hayls, not a moment to lose.
But I'm not dressed for it.
There's no time to
change, Hayley.
God! Stop looking for get-out
clauses all the time -
you're a weight-loss nightmare!
You're fatter than her.
Get thee to an optometrist!
You're the only person I know
whose bingo wings have
their own postcodes.
'They say in retail that the
customer is always right.
'In our case, the customer is
always ripe for a slagging.
I hate to have to
say this, but...
I can read your lips.
Ooh!
What does that
colour say to you?
Discharge?
It's nice...
in a world where nice means slutty,
tasteless and inherently vapid.
And that's you, dear,
not the dress.
But...
you would look good in this.
D He said he was giving
me a taffeta dress
d That's just what
I've always wanted
d And then he said he'd
give me more or less
d Of just what
I've always wanted
d But you don't give me anything
d And I don't ask you
d Just yourself is good enough
d That's just what
I've always wanted
d Just what I've
always wanted... d
d ...I've got a mink from Paris
d A ring from Rome
d A whole new wardrobe
in my home... d
You mean like this?
D ...An Ashworth snap... d
'It seemed that every
woman in Reading
'had heard of the dishy
instructor at Slosh-A-Cise.
'All the single ladies...'
Shimmy!
'...And the not so single.'
You're facing the wrong way!
Oh, Tiger?
Tiger, she's doing it wrong.
She needs extra special help.
Coming! Really?!
Oh, sorry!
My hand-eye coordination's
cock-a-hoop.
Oh, Tiger?
Tiger!
Me thong's too tight.
I think I'm going to...
faint.
Slut!
'The women of Reading who
hadn't fallenfor Tiger
'were making a beeline
to Monsieur Antoine's,
'where we'd transformed the shop
from drab to absolutely fab.'
d ...Whoa-oh Just what
I've always wanted. d
Sorry, I don't smoke
cheap brands.
I'm not being funny,
but how's your Simon?
You should know. He
goes to your school.
Oh, I only ask cos, you know...
I've been giving him
counselling and that.
Counselling? And that.
What for, though?
For his depression.
God, if only yous could afford
to buy him that water feature.
I think it'd really
snap him out of having
that really miserable
grid on him all the time.
D'you know what I'm saying?
Debbie? You never told me me Cilla
Black came to Slosh-A-Cise!
Miss Black! Loving your
work on Surprise, Surprise!
Ta, chuck.
Personally, I'm loving meself
off in Blind Date. Trar, girls!
I hate that show and
everything it stands for.
It offends me. I find it offensive.
I am offended by it.
Go 'way, you're joking!
She look like she's joking?
Um...
How many blind contestants have you
actually had on the show, eh? Um...
None! That's how many!
Now go on, get!
Before I throw a bucket
of piss water over you.
I'm not actually Cilla.
Stop lying, Miss Black.
You're really blindist, God!
Sort your water feature out, bitch.
Sort your own out.
I don't need to.
I've got deckin'.
You want deckin'? I'll
show you deckin'!
She reckons he's depressed.
She reckoned Margaret Thatcher put
the "Great" into Great Britain.
She also murdered Anyone Who Had A Heart.
She ain't all that.
No, it wasn't the
real Cilla Black.
Oh, right. Andy, keep up.
Fancy choosing to be a
Cilla Black lookalike!
Some people have no shame.
No, it was Miss Perrin.
Has she not got
enough on her plate
running a 2,000-strong
comprehensive school? Jesus!
You're not listening to me.
Of all those '60s icons
you'd want to emulate -
Dusty, Lulu, Sandie, Peculiar Clark,
Marianne... And she chooses Cilla!
Can we change the
subject, please?
You have yet again got the
wrong end of the shtick.
You never listen to me properly.
In one ear, out the other.
Sorry, did you say something?
If he's depressed, you'll
have to speak to him.
You get him the water feature,
and I'll cheer him up.
'It would appear that, in
families, communication,
'or "having that big talk", often
doesn't go according to plan.
Are you enjoying it? Oh,
Celia Imrie is to die for!
I know! She's great, isn't she?
Do you think those triplets
were really mine, Mrs O?
After all, I did only go into
hospital to have my ears pierced.
LAUGHTER ON TV
Simon? Hm?
You know you can tell me
anything you want to, don't you?
Like what? You know...
No.Anything.
Think of it as a form of...
counselling.
Counselling?
Counselling... and that.
Why would I want to do that?
Maybe I met your
counsellor/headmistress
at Slosh-A-Cise the other day,
and maybe she told
me what's going on.
Are you deliberately
trying to sabotage
my enjoyment of Acorn
Antiques, mother?
Oh, Simon, ditch the
smiley demeanour.
I know you're
clinically depressed.
How d'you work that one out?
Cos a mother knows.
Then you must be a little
bit stupid, woman.
Don't you dare call me "woman"!
Why, what are you, a
pre-operative transsexual?
Stop showing off. Oh, a depressive
show-off! There's a first!
Simon, get to your room!
With pleasure!
How did the counselling go?
Really well.
Everything OK?
It would appear I've
one of those faces
that lends me a melancholic air.
I'm the exact opposite.
When I did Evita, the
director kept shouting,
"Stop smiling, Lainey -
you're meant to be dying!"
Musical theatre! Such hard work!
You're amazing.
I know. Shall we?
D Enough is enough is enough
d I want him out
d I want him out that door now
d Enough is enough is enough... d
Where are you going?
Revising for my mocks
at the Jacqueline Susann
Memorial Library.
In a suit belonging
to your father?
I'm studying the
classics, mother.
I like to be suitably dressed.
I have to go out and meet a
young gentilhomme avec tattoos,
'ere, 'ere and...
'ere...
to discuss the finer
points of, um...
Artexing.
Can I trust you to look after
my high-class boutique
for quinze minutes
while I am gone?
Of course, Monsieur Antoine.
Go, girlfriend,
Monsieur Antoine.
Allo, allo, Madame. I will leave
you in ze more than capable hands
of mes assistants.
Thank you.
Shop!
How can I help you?
Oh, good, you're a woman.
I was worried that...
well, anyway.
I would like to be fitted
for a bra, please.
Er...
I believe you offer a
measuring service.
Er... This is Monsieur
Antoine's, isn't it?
If you'd like to accompany
me to the cubicle, Madame?
Jane, can you fetch
me the tape measure?
Jane?
Janetta-May? That's
more like it.
Shall I just wap
'em out or what?
Oh, don't worry. I'm quite
at home with nudity.
I spent three years under
canvas at Greenham.
Will that really be necessary?
Not that I'm a lesbian. Not that
there's anything wrong with it,
but I've not actually tasted
that particular forbidden fruit.
Well, I have been tasted...
or licked.
There were mushrooms involved
and a Tracy Chapman mix tape.
Do you know, I still
can't hear Fast Car
without coming out in turkey
bumps in a very specific area.
I'm sure I could probably
tell just by looking.
Oh, it's just I thought you
offered a very personal service.
Yes, Maureen-Babette, don't shirk
your responsibilities. God!
Right, maybe I should go through
to the dressing room, eh?
Is this it? Er...
Hiya, Debbie! All right, Reba?
Slut!
Oh, Tiger, I think you
know my daughter, Ashlene.
Mm, pregnant women are so...
in bloom.
She's no woman. She's about 12.
16, actually, Reba. Same
as what you are in stone.
So, you two going steady, then?
Oh, yeah. And guess what? I've
got his ring on me finger.
Ow! Sorry, cheap jewellery
does something to my eyes.
Same as tasteless clothes. Ow!
Hey, Debbie, why's your Simon
groping Hayley's tits?
Sorry about the nips, ladies.
They go like chapel
hat pegs in a breeze!
Hang about! Is that
our Kyle an' all?
Ashlene, fetch us a knife.
So I can cut this
atmosphere with it.
It's not funny, Andy.
Yeah, I know.
It was feckin' hilarious!
Simon was bang out of order.
You tell him, Hayls. A Saturday job.
How could you?!
Er, bap gropage, Debbie!
In front of the whole
of the Oracle Centre.
All teenage boys experiment.
With their own auntie?!
In some remote areas, yes. Anyway,
you're not a blood relation.
I think you're in safe
hands with them two.
Yeah, I've always said
they were a cracking pair.
LAUGHTER
He's a growing lad, Tiger.
Red-blooded male, my son.
Touching up ladies'
titties over the road.
Gets it from his dad. He were
on the sex offenders' register.
Oh, that's nice.
It's different, in't it?
Kyle never got on with
his dad, did you, Kyle?
That makes me sad. I could weep.
Don't.Hey, maybe...
Just maybe, you might
start calling me Dad, eh?
SHE WHIMPERS
d No matter what they tell us
d No matter what they do... d
My sister had caught
the eye of the Tiger,
and while he was making the garden...
moist,
Kylie and I were contemplating
the mystery of the female form.
Oh, gross! I know.
Don't you just hate breasts?
No, I just find them...
slightly redundant.
Well, to make it more palatable,
I've drawn the heads of
minor celebrities on them
and painted in
some leisure wear.
Who's that? Princess Anne.
One day, we're going to move
somewhere where grown-ups don't give
14-year-old boys pornography.
London, Paris...
Addis Ababa?
Anywhere,
where the beautiful people are fully
clothed, thank you very much.
KNOCKING
Anyone want a protein shake?
All the celebrities drink them.
Mm!
Tiger, if you wanted to make some
quick money, what would you do?
Sell a kidney. Or failing that, I'd
bring out my own exercise video.
They're selling like hot
cakes at the moment.
Anyway... I'm going out
for my evening run.
Ciao, guys.
D Fish got to swim
d Birds got to fly
d I gotta love one
man till I die
d Can't help
d Lovin' that man of mine... d
SIGHING
Argh! CRASH!
D Tell me he's lazy... d
WOLF WHISTLE
d Tell me he's slow
d Tell me I'm crazy
d Maybe I know
d Can't help
d Lovin' that man
d Of mine. d
And the next move is called
"spin around and be fabulous".
Call that fabulous?
This...
is fabulous.
We approached our fitness video
as if we were making an
Oscar-winning movie.
More is more, girlfriend.
Slap it on, bitch!
And of course, every movie has
to have its glittering premiere.
But who said this business we called
"show" was ever straightforward?
God, my nose looks really big!
Squeeze, squeeze...
From some angles, I look
ever so slightly camp.
Nonsense, darling!
How many takes did
we do on this shot?
We were well and
truly visiting...
Retake City!
Oh, my God, you're dirty.
I don't remember this.
What is it?
Oh, you are much better shag than
Reba, and she is dead dirty.
Oh...!
How dare you ruin my fitness
video, how dare you?!
Shut up, Simon! You!
Reba!
How many times?
Put her down!
How fuckin' dare you?!
I'm a pacifist, man. So am I.
Will someone please explain
to me what's going on?
Our movie premiere has been
ruined, Auntie Hayley,
that's what's going on.
PANTING
I'm having a panic attack,
I'm having a panic attack!
She's pregnant!
That didn't stop her
shagging my fellow, did it?
Take it up with him.
Dirty little scrubber!
I know I weren't pregnant at 16.
What, once you'd had ten abortions?
Mother, watch what you're doing!
Where d'you think you're going?
I got Slosh-A-Cise at seven.
This is your bloody mess!
I can't help it if the
chicks go mad for me.
SCREAMING
Argh!
I think I might actually
be suffocating you.
Simon, stop showing off,
please, and get up.
There's good news and bad news.
The bad news, our daughter has slept
with the neighbour's boyfriend.
Nobody's perfect. And
the good news is...
Ta-da! We now have
a water feature!
And, my, what a stunner she was!
Japanese tourists came from miles
around to gaze upon her beauty.
Even the Virgin Mary herself
came and blessed it.
I bless this water feature with
my magical, Our Lady-ish powers.
Or maybe not.
But I was happy.
I mean, the water was off in our
street for the best part of a week,
but I was finally smiling.
Dude, a simple yes or
no would have done.
Oh, right.
But, guess what...
Simon...
Congratulations.
You got the job.
D Don't let them go
d Don't let them go
d Take a beautiful
dream And let it show
d Don't let them go
d Don't let them go
d Take a beautiful dream
ENJOY! Do not miss
this tomorrow!
D Ah
d Don't let them go
d Don't let them go
d Take a beautiful
dream and let it show
d Don't let them go
d Don't let them go
d Take a beautiful
dream and let it glow
d Glow, glow, glow, glow
d Na na na na na... d
This programme contains
some strong language
Your windows are, like...
totally awesome.
So, you worked in
the States, right?
Right. Barney's, New York.
Awesome!
So which part of
America are you from?
Oh, stop shitting me!
You seriously think I'm
from the States and stuff?
Well, your accent...
You're totally gonna freak,
but I'm so from Neasden.
You think I sound American?
Well, I think the two vocabularies
are kind of merging, I guess.
I'm totally gonna
LOL about that.
ROFL, even.
HE MOUTHS
So, what makes you want to hop over
to this side of the pond and stuff?
Well. I've done two years now
at Barney's, doing the windows.
That's so cool.
And I guess I want to think bigger.
Simon...
When you want something,
dude, do you like...
totally go out and
make sure you get it?
'Now, let me think.'
When I was 14, the whole
country was obsessed with...
And now on BBC One...
'...Ground Force.'
d Bring on the Dimmock! d
CLAPPING AND BARKING
d Get your Dimmocks
out for the lads! d
KLAXON
Overnight, everyone
became green-fingered.
Previously ignored back passageways
were rejuvenated with decking,
tea lights,
ivy-strewn trellises.
Or should that be trelli?
So it's no wonder that I decided
that the only thingthat could
make my life complete was...
A water feature. A what?
No, not a what.
A water feature.
I find the sound of
trickling water soothing.
Really? Just makes
me want to go wee.
I find weeing soothing.
I'm like that with sniffing glue.
Uhhh.
So, what do you say, Mater?
Oh, Simon! Don't get in the
way when I'm exercising.
What is she wearing?!
'Come on!'
Yashmak and burka!
Oh, is it that Muslim keep-fit lady?
Fit Farka?
She's got really beguiling eyes.
'This next one's the one I
call "Let me into the mosque!"
'So come on!
'Batter those doors down!'
We don't really have the money for a
water feature. Not at the moment.
Quelle surprise
Auntie Hayley, what
are you doing?
What does it look
like she's doing?
Yeah, Simon, what are you, blind?
Whoo!
Oh! That was my face!
Sorry. We are planting
out some perky pansies.
This bra is really
cutting into me.
Too much information, sweetie!
What's so brilliant about a
bloody water feature anyway?
Charlie Dimmock swears by them.
What does she do? Stand next
to 'em and shout "Twat"? Wooh!
There were certain women in life
to whom my mother took
an instant dislike.
This is for being a milk
snatcher, Thatcher.
'A certain ex-prime minister...
This is for the miners.
'...For the effect
she had on...'
This is for Clause 28.
'...well, everything.
180!
'And Charlie Dimmock...'
He'd want to see Charlie wrestling
these old pipes out of the ground.
'...For the effect she
had on my father.
Oh, get over it, Debbie!
No, she is. She's a VDL.
Very dirty lady.
What? Just cos she
doesn't wear a bra?
Oh, she walks around
with 'em bangin' about
like two space hoppers.
It's obscene, Hayls.
Thank God on this occasion
you ain't got eyes,
cos they're a sight for
sore ones, I'm telling you.
Maybe she's a lesbian?
Why d'you say that, lover?
Well, when I was at Greenham, we
very rarely bothered with bras.
You very rarely bothered with
personal hygiene, Hayls.
Or razors, let's be honest.
Still say Dimmock's a dyke.
I don't think she bows at the
altar of the Lesbeterian Church.
She's got too much of a twinkle
for Alan Titchmarsh.Ew.
Simon? Debbie? Come out
and have a look at this!
Talking of bras, I
need a new one.
I think I've gone up a size.
You often do during
the menopause.
Cheeky bitch!
What's that? Wait a sec.
Here, film this. Why?
Well, if something goes wrong,
we can send it to Lisa Riley.
You've Been Framed?
Ta-da!
Well, you said you wanted a water feature.
I meant a proper one.
One you'd buy.
From a shop.
You don't like it? No.
Possibly because it's
complete and utter shit.
Hey, you cheeky little bastard!
I sweated... minutes...
working over this!
Jeez! I can't get
over you, Simon!
Try a stepladder, love!
Look at my face! I'm
the epitome of misery!
'And indeed I was.
So much so that...
'my headmistress decided
I needed counselling.'
I'm not being funny, but you look
really fricked off about something.
'Miss Perrin was one
of those teachers
'who thought she was down with
the kids if she pseudo-swore.
'In fact, it just made me
loathe her even more.'
You've got a grid on you like
a slapped backside, Si, lar.
Lighten up, kid!
Frick the frown off!
Flog your golly and smile.
'If Miss Perrin fancied
herself as a counsellor,
'something told me she
hadn't grasped the basics.'
And how would you feel...
if you had to come
to this school?
Surrounded by senseless
oiks and latter-day thugs,
festooned head to toe
in man-made fibres.
It takes every last drop of
energy to get through the day,
never mind with a bloody
smile on my face, woman!
I'm not being funny, but can
you try and think of something
that'd make you, well, happy?
No.Try!
Jesus!
I'd really like it...
if the first lady of musical
theatre, Elaine Paige, taught here
and asked me to do a duet
with her on No More Tears?
KNOCKING
'And as if by magic...'
Oh, Simon!
D It's raining, it's pouring
d My love life is boring
d Me to tears
d After all these years
d No sunshine, no moonlight
d No stardust, no
sign of romance
d We don't stand a chance
D Enough is enough is enough
d I can't go on, I can't go on
d No more, no
d Enough is enough is enough
d I want him out
d I want him out
that door now... d
Enough is enough!
Or failing that, I suppose what
would really make me happy is...
a water feature.
Simon...
I know you're different
from the other boys here.
Your award-winning collage
of Carol Vorderman
made completely from sequins
is testament to that.
But there is no reason why you shouldn't
be as happy as everyone else.
ALARM BELL RINGS
Your time's up, love. Shut
the door on your way out.
'Maybe she would make
a good therapist.'
But I've not finished.
I'm not being funny, Simon,
but you're starting to
get on my tits now.
Think of your water feature.
Go out and get it.
Now...
I need to crack on
with me decking.
D La mer... d
'If the onus on buying a water
featurewas going to be on me,
'then there was only
one thing for it.
'Kylie and I would lie about our
ages and take Saturday jobs.'
My name is Monsieur Antoine,
and you will work in my high-class
fashion boutique ever-ery Saturday
from ten o'clock du matin
jusqu'a six o'clock du...
pas matin.
Yes, Monsieur Antoine.
J'habite a cote de la
boulangerie, Monsieur Antoine.
Le weekend.
'We had to keep the Saturday
jobs a secret from my mum,
'because Saturday jobs were
one of her many "pet hates".'
Hello and welcome to God I Really
Hate That! with me, Debbie Doonan.
And me, Andy Doonan.
What's been getting on
your tits this week, Debs?
Andy, I tell you what's really
been getting on my goat,
and that is Saturday jobs.
Saturday jobs? Do me a favour!
It's more like slave labour!
Here we go!
Children should be out in the
countryside getting air in their lungs.
Anyone who denies them that is
little more than a paedophilly.
Phile. Paedophile. She gets it
mixed up with Caerphilly cheese.
Well, I know which one I'd
rather spread on my toast!
No, but seriously, if you're
watching this, Simon...
Simon's our son, he's great.
Toying with the idea of a Saturday
job, the simple answer is...
Don't!
No, it's brilliant, I love it.
What's that, Reba? Group sex
with a gang of strangers? Slut!
No, this new exercise
class I go to.
I don't need no classes, Reba.
Not now I've got my new Fat Farka
video, thank you very much.
Fit Farka. Oh, thanks, love.
It's based around a
popular dance craze.
The Macarena? The Frug?
The Slosh.
They've based a new exercise
craze around the Slosh?
Slosh-A-Cise. I'm addicted.
And the bloke what
runs it, Tiger.
I'd love to get that tiger in me tank!
Hm, fit?
He really is a fit farka.
How fit are we talking?
Hm. If he was an old movie star,
he'd be like Gary Cooper.
If he was a '70s sitcom star,
would he be Gary Coleman?
What you talkin' about, Debbie?
George Clooney? Rosemary Clooney?
More like George Michael.
Or Michael Douglas?
Douglas Fairbanks Junior? Junior
who sang Mama Used To Say?
- He's kinda like all of
them rolled into one. - Oh.
You could do with losing
some weight, Hayls.
I mean, you said yourself
your boobs have expanded.
A lot of people are staring
at you, mouthing "Porky Pig".
That woman's gonna
throw a stone at you.
Ah! Duck!
Ow, that hurt!
All right, you leave her alone,
just because she's a bit porksy.
Porksy?! I'm gonna take
you to Slosh-A-Cise.
When's the class, Reba?
I'm going there now.
Come on, Hayls, not a moment to lose.
But I'm not dressed for it.
There's no time to
change, Hayley.
God! Stop looking for get-out
clauses all the time -
you're a weight-loss nightmare!
You're fatter than her.
Get thee to an optometrist!
You're the only person I know
whose bingo wings have
their own postcodes.
'They say in retail that the
customer is always right.
'In our case, the customer is
always ripe for a slagging.
I hate to have to
say this, but...
I can read your lips.
Ooh!
What does that
colour say to you?
Discharge?
It's nice...
in a world where nice means slutty,
tasteless and inherently vapid.
And that's you, dear,
not the dress.
But...
you would look good in this.
D He said he was giving
me a taffeta dress
d That's just what
I've always wanted
d And then he said he'd
give me more or less
d Of just what
I've always wanted
d But you don't give me anything
d And I don't ask you
d Just yourself is good enough
d That's just what
I've always wanted
d Just what I've
always wanted... d
d ...I've got a mink from Paris
d A ring from Rome
d A whole new wardrobe
in my home... d
You mean like this?
D ...An Ashworth snap... d
'It seemed that every
woman in Reading
'had heard of the dishy
instructor at Slosh-A-Cise.
'All the single ladies...'
Shimmy!
'...And the not so single.'
You're facing the wrong way!
Oh, Tiger?
Tiger, she's doing it wrong.
She needs extra special help.
Coming! Really?!
Oh, sorry!
My hand-eye coordination's
cock-a-hoop.
Oh, Tiger?
Tiger!
Me thong's too tight.
I think I'm going to...
faint.
Slut!
'The women of Reading who
hadn't fallenfor Tiger
'were making a beeline
to Monsieur Antoine's,
'where we'd transformed the shop
from drab to absolutely fab.'
d ...Whoa-oh Just what
I've always wanted. d
Sorry, I don't smoke
cheap brands.
I'm not being funny,
but how's your Simon?
You should know. He
goes to your school.
Oh, I only ask cos, you know...
I've been giving him
counselling and that.
Counselling? And that.
What for, though?
For his depression.
God, if only yous could afford
to buy him that water feature.
I think it'd really
snap him out of having
that really miserable
grid on him all the time.
D'you know what I'm saying?
Debbie? You never told me me Cilla
Black came to Slosh-A-Cise!
Miss Black! Loving your
work on Surprise, Surprise!
Ta, chuck.
Personally, I'm loving meself
off in Blind Date. Trar, girls!
I hate that show and
everything it stands for.
It offends me. I find it offensive.
I am offended by it.
Go 'way, you're joking!
She look like she's joking?
Um...
How many blind contestants have you
actually had on the show, eh? Um...
None! That's how many!
Now go on, get!
Before I throw a bucket
of piss water over you.
I'm not actually Cilla.
Stop lying, Miss Black.
You're really blindist, God!
Sort your water feature out, bitch.
Sort your own out.
I don't need to.
I've got deckin'.
You want deckin'? I'll
show you deckin'!
She reckons he's depressed.
She reckoned Margaret Thatcher put
the "Great" into Great Britain.
She also murdered Anyone Who Had A Heart.
She ain't all that.
No, it wasn't the
real Cilla Black.
Oh, right. Andy, keep up.
Fancy choosing to be a
Cilla Black lookalike!
Some people have no shame.
No, it was Miss Perrin.
Has she not got
enough on her plate
running a 2,000-strong
comprehensive school? Jesus!
You're not listening to me.
Of all those '60s icons
you'd want to emulate -
Dusty, Lulu, Sandie, Peculiar Clark,
Marianne... And she chooses Cilla!
Can we change the
subject, please?
You have yet again got the
wrong end of the shtick.
You never listen to me properly.
In one ear, out the other.
Sorry, did you say something?
If he's depressed, you'll
have to speak to him.
You get him the water feature,
and I'll cheer him up.
'It would appear that, in
families, communication,
'or "having that big talk", often
doesn't go according to plan.
Are you enjoying it? Oh,
Celia Imrie is to die for!
I know! She's great, isn't she?
Do you think those triplets
were really mine, Mrs O?
After all, I did only go into
hospital to have my ears pierced.
LAUGHTER ON TV
Simon? Hm?
You know you can tell me
anything you want to, don't you?
Like what? You know...
No.Anything.
Think of it as a form of...
counselling.
Counselling?
Counselling... and that.
Why would I want to do that?
Maybe I met your
counsellor/headmistress
at Slosh-A-Cise the other day,
and maybe she told
me what's going on.
Are you deliberately
trying to sabotage
my enjoyment of Acorn
Antiques, mother?
Oh, Simon, ditch the
smiley demeanour.
I know you're
clinically depressed.
How d'you work that one out?
Cos a mother knows.
Then you must be a little
bit stupid, woman.
Don't you dare call me "woman"!
Why, what are you, a
pre-operative transsexual?
Stop showing off. Oh, a depressive
show-off! There's a first!
Simon, get to your room!
With pleasure!
How did the counselling go?
Really well.
Everything OK?
It would appear I've
one of those faces
that lends me a melancholic air.
I'm the exact opposite.
When I did Evita, the
director kept shouting,
"Stop smiling, Lainey -
you're meant to be dying!"
Musical theatre! Such hard work!
You're amazing.
I know. Shall we?
D Enough is enough is enough
d I want him out
d I want him out that door now
d Enough is enough is enough... d
Where are you going?
Revising for my mocks
at the Jacqueline Susann
Memorial Library.
In a suit belonging
to your father?
I'm studying the
classics, mother.
I like to be suitably dressed.
I have to go out and meet a
young gentilhomme avec tattoos,
'ere, 'ere and...
'ere...
to discuss the finer
points of, um...
Artexing.
Can I trust you to look after
my high-class boutique
for quinze minutes
while I am gone?
Of course, Monsieur Antoine.
Go, girlfriend,
Monsieur Antoine.
Allo, allo, Madame. I will leave
you in ze more than capable hands
of mes assistants.
Thank you.
Shop!
How can I help you?
Oh, good, you're a woman.
I was worried that...
well, anyway.
I would like to be fitted
for a bra, please.
Er...
I believe you offer a
measuring service.
Er... This is Monsieur
Antoine's, isn't it?
If you'd like to accompany
me to the cubicle, Madame?
Jane, can you fetch
me the tape measure?
Jane?
Janetta-May? That's
more like it.
Shall I just wap
'em out or what?
Oh, don't worry. I'm quite
at home with nudity.
I spent three years under
canvas at Greenham.
Will that really be necessary?
Not that I'm a lesbian. Not that
there's anything wrong with it,
but I've not actually tasted
that particular forbidden fruit.
Well, I have been tasted...
or licked.
There were mushrooms involved
and a Tracy Chapman mix tape.
Do you know, I still
can't hear Fast Car
without coming out in turkey
bumps in a very specific area.
I'm sure I could probably
tell just by looking.
Oh, it's just I thought you
offered a very personal service.
Yes, Maureen-Babette, don't shirk
your responsibilities. God!
Right, maybe I should go through
to the dressing room, eh?
Is this it? Er...
Hiya, Debbie! All right, Reba?
Slut!
Oh, Tiger, I think you
know my daughter, Ashlene.
Mm, pregnant women are so...
in bloom.
She's no woman. She's about 12.
16, actually, Reba. Same
as what you are in stone.
So, you two going steady, then?
Oh, yeah. And guess what? I've
got his ring on me finger.
Ow! Sorry, cheap jewellery
does something to my eyes.
Same as tasteless clothes. Ow!
Hey, Debbie, why's your Simon
groping Hayley's tits?
Sorry about the nips, ladies.
They go like chapel
hat pegs in a breeze!
Hang about! Is that
our Kyle an' all?
Ashlene, fetch us a knife.
So I can cut this
atmosphere with it.
It's not funny, Andy.
Yeah, I know.
It was feckin' hilarious!
Simon was bang out of order.
You tell him, Hayls. A Saturday job.
How could you?!
Er, bap gropage, Debbie!
In front of the whole
of the Oracle Centre.
All teenage boys experiment.
With their own auntie?!
In some remote areas, yes. Anyway,
you're not a blood relation.
I think you're in safe
hands with them two.
Yeah, I've always said
they were a cracking pair.
LAUGHTER
He's a growing lad, Tiger.
Red-blooded male, my son.
Touching up ladies'
titties over the road.
Gets it from his dad. He were
on the sex offenders' register.
Oh, that's nice.
It's different, in't it?
Kyle never got on with
his dad, did you, Kyle?
That makes me sad. I could weep.
Don't.Hey, maybe...
Just maybe, you might
start calling me Dad, eh?
SHE WHIMPERS
d No matter what they tell us
d No matter what they do... d
My sister had caught
the eye of the Tiger,
and while he was making the garden...
moist,
Kylie and I were contemplating
the mystery of the female form.
Oh, gross! I know.
Don't you just hate breasts?
No, I just find them...
slightly redundant.
Well, to make it more palatable,
I've drawn the heads of
minor celebrities on them
and painted in
some leisure wear.
Who's that? Princess Anne.
One day, we're going to move
somewhere where grown-ups don't give
14-year-old boys pornography.
London, Paris...
Addis Ababa?
Anywhere,
where the beautiful people are fully
clothed, thank you very much.
KNOCKING
Anyone want a protein shake?
All the celebrities drink them.
Mm!
Tiger, if you wanted to make some
quick money, what would you do?
Sell a kidney. Or failing that, I'd
bring out my own exercise video.
They're selling like hot
cakes at the moment.
Anyway... I'm going out
for my evening run.
Ciao, guys.
D Fish got to swim
d Birds got to fly
d I gotta love one
man till I die
d Can't help
d Lovin' that man of mine... d
SIGHING
Argh! CRASH!
D Tell me he's lazy... d
WOLF WHISTLE
d Tell me he's slow
d Tell me I'm crazy
d Maybe I know
d Can't help
d Lovin' that man
d Of mine. d
And the next move is called
"spin around and be fabulous".
Call that fabulous?
This...
is fabulous.
We approached our fitness video
as if we were making an
Oscar-winning movie.
More is more, girlfriend.
Slap it on, bitch!
And of course, every movie has
to have its glittering premiere.
But who said this business we called
"show" was ever straightforward?
God, my nose looks really big!
Squeeze, squeeze...
From some angles, I look
ever so slightly camp.
Nonsense, darling!
How many takes did
we do on this shot?
We were well and
truly visiting...
Retake City!
Oh, my God, you're dirty.
I don't remember this.
What is it?
Oh, you are much better shag than
Reba, and she is dead dirty.
Oh...!
How dare you ruin my fitness
video, how dare you?!
Shut up, Simon! You!
Reba!
How many times?
Put her down!
How fuckin' dare you?!
I'm a pacifist, man. So am I.
Will someone please explain
to me what's going on?
Our movie premiere has been
ruined, Auntie Hayley,
that's what's going on.
PANTING
I'm having a panic attack,
I'm having a panic attack!
She's pregnant!
That didn't stop her
shagging my fellow, did it?
Take it up with him.
Dirty little scrubber!
I know I weren't pregnant at 16.
What, once you'd had ten abortions?
Mother, watch what you're doing!
Where d'you think you're going?
I got Slosh-A-Cise at seven.
This is your bloody mess!
I can't help it if the
chicks go mad for me.
SCREAMING
Argh!
I think I might actually
be suffocating you.
Simon, stop showing off,
please, and get up.
There's good news and bad news.
The bad news, our daughter has slept
with the neighbour's boyfriend.
Nobody's perfect. And
the good news is...
Ta-da! We now have
a water feature!
And, my, what a stunner she was!
Japanese tourists came from miles
around to gaze upon her beauty.
Even the Virgin Mary herself
came and blessed it.
I bless this water feature with
my magical, Our Lady-ish powers.
Or maybe not.
But I was happy.
I mean, the water was off in our
street for the best part of a week,
but I was finally smiling.
Dude, a simple yes or
no would have done.
Oh, right.
But, guess what...
Simon...
Congratulations.
You got the job.
D Don't let them go
d Don't let them go
d Take a beautiful
dream And let it show
d Don't let them go
d Don't let them go
d Take a beautiful dream
ENJOY! Do not miss
this tomorrow!