Beautiful People (2008–…): Season 2, Episode 2 - How I Got My Plumes - full transcript

ENJOY! Do not miss this tomorrow!
D Ah

d Don't let them go

d Don't let them go

d Take a beautiful
dream and let it show

d Don't let them go

d Don't let them go

d Take a beautiful
dream and let it glow

d Glow, glow, glow, glow

d Na na na na na... d

Simon, your new flat is out
of this world! I love it!

It's not a flat. It's an apartment.
And I love the lift.



It's so nice to be in one what
don't smell of piss for a change.

It's not a lift,
it's an elevator.

I don't look like a bit of
a tit in this hat, do I?

It's not a hat, it's a fascinator.
Oh, answer the question, knobhead.

You look heavenly.

I still say feathers are too much
for a spot of light shopping.

They're not feathers,
they're plumes.

They're feathers!
They're plumes!

I should bloody know, Mother.
I'm the one that stole them.

'Since the demise of Take That
a couple of years previously,

'there was a gap in the
market for a new boy band,

'and Kylie and I knew just
the people to fill it...'

Oi! Look at these two
mincing knobheads!

BOY BAND POP MUSIC



'...though we had competition in the form
of the school's resident girl group,

'spearheaded by none other than
my very own pregnant sister.'

FEMALE SINGS R&B MUSIC

'Work it, girls!'

d Bring it on Bring
it, bring it on now

d Bring it on Bring
it, bring it on now

d Bring it on Bring
it, bring it on now

d Bring it on Bring
it, bring it on now

d Bring it on Bring
it, bring it on now

d Bring it on Bring it,
bring it on now. d

You is one hot
mover, girlfriend.

Ashlene, who taught you
to dance like that?

It's Shaznay now. So don't
give me that "Ashlene" shit.

Face facts, Simon - you ain't the only
one in our house that can freestyle.

Yeah, but it's not a good
look in a maternity smock.

Anyway, bambaclarts, you can't
be in no boy band, is it?

There's only two of you.

Check it out, check
it out, freestyle!

There were only two
in Robson & Jerome.

Two too many. THEY LAUGH

Mind you, Robson Green's
quite fit in Touching Cloth.

Evil.

It's Touching Evil.

What's your girl band called?
All Souls.

Arseholes, more like.

And what are you?
The Pink Ladies?

Actually, we're called E-Male.
Cos we think it's gonna be huge.

She-male, more like.

CAR ENGINE REVS Oh, my God!
Look!

'And cue hot teacher.'

d Ding-a-dong, every hour
When you pick a flower

d Even when your lover
is gone, gone... d

You all right, sir?

D ...Ding-a-dong,
listen to it... d

Right back at you, Shaznay.

He's fabulous. Pedagogue
of the Year or what!

What's with the
dodgy sounds, guy?

Teach-In.

1975?

A vintage year for Eurovision.

DING!

'Mr Carr, our music teacher,

'eschewed the likes of
Beethoven, Mahler and Stravinsky

'to concentrate on his
favourite musical area.'

Number seven.

If you want to win the Eurovision Song
Contest, you've got to have a gimmick.

Katja Ebstein and her clown
backing singers in 1980.

Peter, Sue and Marc playing a
variety of gardening tools,

including the watering can,
hose and plastic bag, in '79.

Linda Wagenmakers,

having her backing singers hiding
under her voluminous skirtage.

'I don't know how he knew that. It
didn't happen for another two years.'

What are these all fine examples of?
The...

Eurovision gimmick.

Bollocks. TITTERING

What's the rule on
swearing, Jayeson?

Oh, I'm sorry, sir. Sometimes
I get Eurovision Tourette's.

TITTERING

'And while we were
getting acquainted

'with the ins and outs
of Eurovision glory,

'my dad was bonding with
our new neighbour.'

"Madama Butterfly" by Puccini

HE SNIFFLES She touches
your soul, you know?

Your heart.

The pain of it!

I'm more of a
four-to-the-floor man.

She takes you... to the brink

and makes you stare
into the abyss.

Northern soul.

Hard house, techno, trance.

God, what a tragic life she had!

Why? What happened to her?
I've no idea.

But that is not the voice of someone
who's a stranger to a smack.

My better half's into opera.

I can't get me head
around Three Blind Mice.

MUSIC REACHES CRESCENDO

OK. Well done in your spot test, guys.
See you tomorrow.

Sir? Yes, Simon?

- Sir... we've written this song, right?
- Body Pop 'Til You Drop.

The "Don't Stop" is in brackets.
That was my idea.

Cool title.

And we really want to enter the
Eurovision with it next year.

But... I think we
need your help.

Hit me with a bit of the tune.
KYLIE CLEARS THROAT

d Body pop 'til you drop

d Don't stop

d Ah, body pop

d Body pop 'til you drop

d I said, what?

D Ah, body pop

d Body pop 'til you drop

d Nice top!

D Ah, body pop And we
all come boogieing down

d Yeah. d

And what's your gimmick?

Duh! We're 14.

Boys, you've got a deal.

'With our new manager, we knew
it was only a matter of time

'before... we had a record
deal, international celebrity

'and the all-important
pop video.'

d Body pop 'til you drop

d I said, what? Ah, body pop

d Body pop 'til you drop

d Nice top Ah, body pop... d

D... Body pop 'til
you drop, don't stop

d I said body pop, body pop... d

'My mum, meanwhile, wasn't
choosing her words so carefully.'

I hear you're getting on
really well with Andy.

Yeah. He's the nuts.

Well, he's a man's man, darling.
Ain't nothing wrong with that.

Yeah. Yeah, he's a right laugh.

He said to come over one
night, have a nice nosh-off.

'She did, of course,
mean "nosh-up".'

You'd be so impressed with
what he can do with a chicken.

The secret's in the stuffing.

I have to say, of all
the guys I've ever met,

he really knows what he's doing
in a spit roast situation.

I've got a partner.

Well, then why don't you both come over? I
can't wait to meet her! Say, 8 o'clock?

No, actually, she...
As you were.

I've never seen his missus.
Have you?

Maybe she's claustrophobic.
Agoraphobic.

Aquaphobic!

Oh, is this a word game? I don't
know how many more I know.

Bosnophobic! What's that mean?

People who are scared of Bosnia?

Maybe he keeps his missus
locked up in a cellar.

BOTH LAUGH

Do you remember we met that couple
when we were off on holiday

and we thought they
were a bit weird?

Oh, yeah.

What? You actually... bury
people under the floorboards?

DEBBIE LAUGHS

Oh, Fred, Rose, you are
officially hilarious!

BOTH LAUGH

Oh, I wonder whatever
happened to them.

Feck knows.

You send a couple of Christmas cards to
people, and they never write back and...

Uh... could you...?

What?

I've got me hand stuck.
Oh. Come here.

Ooh, it's jammed tight, innit?
Oh, I know.

Blimey, And! What have you
stuffed it with, superglue?

Loctite! No!

No - garlic, lemon
and bay leaves.

Ow! Watch what you're
doing, weirdos!

ANDY AND DEBBIE
LAUGH Sorry, babe.

So you should be! I've
only just done my make-up.

You're not serving that?

You could eat your dinner
off that floor, Ashlene.

We might have to, if I can't
loosen up the lazy Susan.

Oh, it's not packed up again, has it?
I'll get the baby oil onto it.

Is Shanice there, please?
It's Ashlene.

Does my arse look
good in these jeans?

Dad! Don't ask me questions
like that, you big perv!

Shut up! Or I'll throw a turkey at you.
I was asking your ma.

Yeah, it looks nice, darling.
Mm-hm.

Now, I'm gonna get ready.

I might test-drive my new
cleavage-enhancing body glitter tonight.

Our new neighbour's missus might
be a bit of a dolly bird.

I mean, when I look at him,
I kind of get the feeling

his girlfriend wouldn't look
out of place in Legs & Co.

Great!

Are you right, babe?
What took you so long?

Eugh! Did you wash your hands?

Do you fancy a
sleepover tonight?

Work out some more dance moves
to Body Pop 'Til You Drop?

Don't stop! I'll get my people
to speak to your people.

Do you think... we ever
will be pop stars?

Course we will, girlfriend!

E-Male are going to be huge.

Then we'll have
houses in London...

Paris, New York...

and La.

It's pronounced L-A.

And we won't just move amongst
the beautiful people.

We'll be the beautiful people.

What?

Isn't that Mr Carr's Ka car?

I doubt it. What would
he be doing round here?

He's fabulous. Mmm.

I'll be over in a bit. Bybes.

What?

Well, I would say, "Bye,
babes," but I'm far too busy.

So I shortened it to "bybes".

Bybes! Bybes!

You're joking, ain't you? She's
got more arms than an octopus.

I is defo gettin' rid of it.
You get me?

What do you think?

Ooh! I've always loved your puppies.
The glitter, cheeky chops.

Oh, I could just put my face
between them and go b-b-b-b-b-b-b!

Dad! ANDY AND DEBBIE LAUGH

Oh, you'll put his old boiler to shame.
Oh, bless.

SHE SIGHS

You all right? Fine.

Missing Hayley?

She's broadening
her horizons, And.

No mean feat when you can't see
a hand in front of your face.

Which wine are you serving
with that, lover?

Well, it's chicken and
mushroom, so I was thinking...

A nice chicken and mushroom wine.
Got it in one, honey bun.

Oi, Simon, hands off my nibbles.

Mother?

What have you done to your hair?
I've scrunch-dried it. Why?

Have you wiped car
wax on your bust?

It's body glitter!

How '70s of you! Oh!

Who have you got coming
round, John Travolta?

Oh, I wish!

Uh, that new bloke from over
the road and his missus.

God, you're so suburban! Well,
what do you want us to be?

Sophisticated? Intellectual?
Interesting?

We're all of those things
to the max, lover.

I think you'd better add
"deluded" to that list.

Oh, you might be wanting this.

To chuck your car keys in.

Oh, no! You don't have a
car - you have a van!

How working-class.

Angel Wings in Year 8 said
it's like crapping a football.

I know. The shame!

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, my God! You are never gonna believe
who's just walked up your path.

Lily Savage from Blankety Blank?!
Better than that.

Wotcha, Ross!

Ross, me old buddy.
How's it hanging?

Uh, to the left, I think.
ALL LAUGH

Outrageous! So, where is she?

Uh, I don't think you've met
my better half, Nathan.

Hiya. Oh, my God. You're...
very welcome.

Oh, welcome. Welcome.

What's that on your hand, mate?

Oh, uh... got me fist stuck
in a chicken before.

Yeah, right up to the elbow, he was.
She had to yank me off!

The things you do when you've got
the neighbours coming round!

Anyway, pop through me portals, as
the actress said to the bishop.

Oh, isn't he handsome, eh, Ross?

Oh, he'll do.

Sorry, uh, these are for you.
Oh! Look, And.

Oh, he's a bit funny
about flowers.

Sometimes I like them,
sometimes I don't.

I guess you could say
he swings both ways.

You all right, Andy? You look a bit...
Oh, you just...

I didn't have you down as the
sort of guy who was, um...

would wear a cut-off
lumberjack shirt.

SHE CHUCKLES Come through.

Hello, Mr Carr! What
are you doing here?

Simon! Oh, my God. Ross!

These are the two live
wires I was talking about.

Mr Carr's our music teacher.
Slash, manager.

Simon, I thought you
were having a sleepover.

Well, sleepovers are for kids. We may
as well join you in the dinner party.

Yeah, I'm starving, girlfriend!

I could eat a baby's leg
through the bars of a playpen.

CRASH! Watch me
knick-knacks, Kylie!

How many times? If you boys
want to do high kicks...

Do them in the living room.

Thank you.

Uh! This is grown-up time.
But, Mum!

Andy, could you take Ross and Nathan's
beautiful gifts, please? Merci beaucoup.

With pleasure. De nada.

Why are you speaking like that?
It's sophisticated.

Now, shift your arse
back up them stairs.

Oh, my God. Mr Carr's here.
And he's a gay.

Shall we follow through?

I do find a lazy Susan a
real plus at a dinner party.

Or Bar Mitzvah. Oh.
Are you Jewish?

Ergonomically speaking, no.
Psycho-spiritually, yes.

Debbie, Debbie, guess
what Ross's surname is.

Kemp. He said so earlier.
Keep your hair on, Andy.

Kemp! His name is Ross Kemp!
HE LAUGHS

Yeah. Cos I sound like him, it can lead
to some tricky situations on the phone.

He does it on purpose. Phoning up
the library, ordering gay porn.

I've done it once.
Don't exaggerate.

Saying Rebekah Wade will pick it up.
You thought it was funny.

Making me wear chicken fillets
and a red curly wig...

Get a life! And a decent face!
Don't raise your voice like that.

How should I? FALSETTO: Like this?
Drop dead, yeah?

I wouldn't give you the satisfaction.
You never have, dear.

The only thing you've
given me is warts!

HE LAUGHS

The way yous two
argue is hilarious!

Sir? Oh, Simon.

Mr Carr's on his night off. He don't
want to be reminded of school tonight.

Do you, lover? Well...

We've worked out a new dance routine
for Body Pop 'Til You Drop.

Don't stop.

Maybe in a bit, Simon.
Yeah, Simon...

My mum's hair isn't
usually like that. Simon!

What are you looking at? Have
I got a welly on me head?

He's got some front, ain't he?

Oh, I know, Ross. More
front than Woolworths.

ASHLENE SWITCHES ON TV

Theme from "Coronation Street"

Ashlene!

Shaznay! We're having
a dinner party!

- All right, sir?
- Shaznay!

Ashlene. I had no idea we lived next
door to so many of my students.

I'm surprised you're
not hyperventilating.

Why would I be hyperventilating?
Panicking they'll out you on Monday.

- That's a bit unfair, Ross.
- I won't tell no-one.

I'm really knowledgeable
about gay stuff and shit.

So, which one of you is the
bloke and who's the bitch?

Ashlene!

Forgive my daughter, Mr Carr.

Pregnancy-wise, her
hormones are cock-a-hoop!

I can't believe Mr Carr's...

I know. It's so embarrassing.

Eugh! His fella's vile.

A veritable Neanderthal.

SIMON SIGHS

Let's split them up.

Ross tells me that you have a...
a blind lady living here.

My best mate, Hayley.

And where is she tonight?

Oh, you know. Out somewhere...
being blind.

ALL LAUGH Andrew.

She's on a holiday with the
visually impaired drop-in centre.

They're doing an anticlockwise tour of
the cathedral cities of Great Britain.

She's an intellectual.

I think I may have
some more gravy.

Man gravy.

Ross! You'll balloon.

That holiday's a
rip-off, if you ask me.

They're just gonna drive them around the
M25. How will they know the difference?

I might pop outside for a cigarette.
You coming, Andy?

No. It's just the way I'm sitting.
BOTH LAUGH

Ross, that is so rude.

Don't be daft. You
can smoke in here.

Ashlene, get Ross the Raquel from
Coronation Street ashtray, please.

I'm pregnant!

It's all right, Debs. I
like smoking outside.

Oh, go on. I'll join you.

ANDY SQUEALS AND
LAUGHS Hilarious!

Why is it all gay men
are so good-looking?

I mean, look at Elton John.

Or Christopher Biggins.

Or Michael Barrymore.
Now, he's a dishy devil.

So, where's your so-called
boyfriend, then?

Uh...

Sir? What do you think
of these for outfits?

Simon, have you been cutting
up my old mesh vests again?

How many times have I told you?
Oh, Simon, I meant to say.

Guess what's happening in
Birmingham on May the 9th?

There's... gonna be a lot
of people walking around

with really funny accents?

The Eurovision Song Contest.

And I've got three tickets to see the
dress rehearsal. You want to come?

Oh, my giddy aunt! That is
so generous of you, Mr Carr.

Is it OK? OK? They'll
be over the moon.

What do you say, Simon? A
little bit of wee came out.

Simon, stop showing off. Who's
representing us this year?

God, Mother! Don't
you know anything?

Imaani. Er, Where Are You? Our
first ever black representative.

Exciting. Oh, he sounds lovely.

Oh, he is a she. A bit
like the Israeli entry.

They've got a transsexual
representing them.

Oh, Mr Carr, don't we live
in an exciting world?

Should I put Imaani
on the boogie box?

Yeah, go on, Simon. Wouldn't
mind sampling a little snatch.

Speak for yourself. BOTH LAUGH

Um, actually, I've got to go and, er...
shake my lettuce.

Apologies in advance for
the musical toilet seat.

My husband has avant-garde ideas
about hygienic home decoration.

- What does it play?
- Yellow River.

Do much sport, Andy, do you?

Oh, the odd bit of football.
Sunday league.

Why do you ask?

Oh, I can't tell whether
that's fat or muscle.

What?

That.

Oh, no, it's muscle.

I don't believe you.

Look, feel that, mate.
That is not flab. Huh?

God, you are quite
firm, aren't you?

30 press-ups a day, thank you.

Wow.

Er...

Ross?

Mmm... sleepy bunny.

Th-That's actually my penis
you've got your hand on.

Got a problem with that?

Too feckin' right.

You know what you are, darling?
Pissed?

That chicken and
mushroom wine's lethal.

A prick tease.

D I would drive through
the rain To find you

d Walk a desert plain Behind you

d You could unlock... d

Oh, look! Mr Carr, I
can do the splits!

Put it away, love.

Eh? Look...

This wasn't such a good idea.
We'd best be off.

Oi, twat! We're going!

Nathan? What is it?

What is it?! Could
someone help me up?

- What were you doing?!
- He had his fly stuck!

DOOR SLAMS

Oh, well. Look on
the bright side.

There's not many blokes can say
they've been felt up by Ross Kemp.

I wouldn't be so sure. He was
all over me like dermatitis.

Is that your cousin? Dermot Itis?
Debbie...

Oh, I'm sorry, Andy. But that's the
funniest thing I've heard in years.

Oh, shut up. If it was a woman
coming on to me, you'd be fuming.

You'd be wanting to poke her eyes out.
And mine.

And you wouldn't stop there. Not
if the carving knife was close by.

Yeah, but it wasn't a woman, was it, Andy?
It was our gay neighbour.

Our "gaybour", if you like.
BOTH CHUCKLE

Nathan!

I never want to see you
again as long as I live!

Nathan, what is it?

Get away! ROSS: I was
helping him with his fly!

CAR STARTS

Nathan, you wanker!

I didn't mean it! Nathan!

What's the matter? Have I
got a welly on my head?

It worked.

CLASSICAL PIANO PLAYS

Where's Mr Carr?

What, you mean your boyfriend?

Oh, shut up, Jayeson.
He's left the school.

Looks like you ain't
Carr's bumboys any more!

HE PLAYS THEME FROM "LOVE STORY"

This is all your fault! Bored!

'Why couldn't I have
a fabulous family?

'A family like the von Trapps,
that was a singing group too,

'and entered the
Eurovision Song Contest?'

d Ooh Ooh-ee-ooh

d Ooh

d Daffy-daffy-daffy-doo

d Shammy-shammy-shoo

d I love you Ooh

d Oh, shammy Ooh-ee-ooh

d Oh, shammy
Daffy-daffy-daffy-doo

d Oh, shammy-shoo, I love
you Shammy-shammy-shoo

d I love you

d Oh, shammy Shammy-shoo. d

TELEVISION PLAYS

Er, just so you know,
I'm moving out.

You've messed up my
life and career. How?

Doing the splits in front of
my manager sent him packing!

Don't try and stop me.
My mind's made up.

Oh!

Ooh, he's gone off in a huff.

Or a minute and a huff.
DOOR SLAMS

You were right. He's
only gone to Reba's.

Slut.

You can't stay here. Nothing personal,
but my mum hates your guts.

SIMON SIGHS

Maybe I could sleep
under your stairs.

I've been reading this
book, Harry Potter,

and... he lives
under the stairs.

Oh, that sounds great -
that's really gonna catch on

Well, I couldn't
live here anyway.

Junk food plays havoc
with my oily triangle.

Look, I'm sorry about
Mr Carr, all right?

I just didn't like the boyfriend. I
never thought he'd actually leg it.

So... what do we do now?

Play out, then watch
the Eurovision later?

HE SIGHS

'I don't know if you've ever
seen The Sound of Music -

'though, I'm guessing, as you're
watching this, you probably have -

'you know that bit when
the kids are pissed off

'and they're playing
ball with the Baroness?

'Cue Baroness.

'And then Maria comes back from
the abbey to see the kids.

'Well, this was the nearest I
ever got to that in my life.'

Mr Carr! Mr Carr!

Anyone want to go to Birmingham?

"Renegade Master" by Wildchild

How amazing was that?

Davey, thank you so much for getting
us into the rehearsal. You're a star.

I'm not getting
back in that car.

Oh, we've just been
to the loo now.

I don't think the journey home's
going to be that bad, fart-wise.

No, I'm going to stay
for the proper show.

But... Sod the dress
rehearsal, Simon.

That trannie was amazing. I
want to see the real thing!

But... Quick! While
he's not looking.

You take care, yeah?

And... I hope they heal up soon.
They're a bugger, aren't they?

Now, where are my two
gays-in-the-making?

Simon? Kylie?

Where are we going?

I don't know. We need somewhere
to hide out till it starts.

OK.

Come on, girlfriend.

We can't stay here. Why not?

Well, there'll be a queue of
people outside in wheelchairs

with overflowing colostomies.

Do I look like I care?

What do we do now?

Wait.

Call yourself a teacher?! How
could you do this to me?!

My son is the most precious thing in the
whole wide world to me and you lost him!

Knobhead! Bastard! Well, you'd
better bloody find him!

PHONE SLAMS DOWN

Mr Carr's an angel.

Looking all over for
them, he is, bless him.

It's just so typical of Nathan.

He's lost all my
Sandie Shaw 45s.

Collector's items, they were.

You don't seem unduly concerned.

I'm not really into Sandie Shaw.

No, we never trusted women who
didn't wear shoes, did we, And?

No, about your son. BOTH: Oh.

I still don't understand how
we'll actually get into the show

when we don't have tickets!

Girlfriend, did
no-one ever tell you?

Your face has "usherette"
written all over it.

ORCHESTRA STRIKES UP

APPLAUSE

Shit! It's started. Come on!

Kylie, what have you done?!

Help! Help! Let us out! Hello?

Help! I'm claustrophobic!

Are you? No. But it sounds good.

Help! This is a
Eurovision emergency!

LOUD THUMPING Help!

Bienvenue a 43eme Concours Eurovision
de la chanson, en direct...

Sorry for getting you over here, Ross.
I couldn't think who else to turn to.

It's all right.

Have you and Mr Carr split up?
Yeah.

Oh, plenty more fish
in the sea, lover.

Excluding this big fish here.

There's a bloke lives by the parade
- Gay Gary.

Sells really good weed and
he's got three gold teeth.

Try getting off with him.

Oh, Ashlene, Gay Gary's not gay.
He is.

Oh, puh-lease!

You know how One-Eyed
Tony's got one eye?

Well, guess why Gay
Gary's called Gay Gary.

That is a reference to
his sunny disposition.

HE SCOFFS He's the moodiest
fecker you'll ever come across.

He rammed his trolley
into me in Gateways.

Yeah, that's cos you dawdle. I told you.
Anyway, Gay Gary's not gay.

He is, actually.

We were together six months.

I knew it.

I paid for them gold gnashers doing
night shifts at the abattoir.

Listen, Andy, I'm sorry about the other
night. Nudging your knob and that.

No hard feelings.

There certainly were not.
I swear, Debbie!

I'm going out. I'll give
Gary your best, yeah?

It still hurts.

See a dentist, Debbie.

'After three hours of Eurovision

ecstasy, the winner was
about to be announced.

'The Melody Crescent jury were on the
edge of their seats in anticipation.'

Oh, I'm propping my eyes
open with matchsticks here.

'Israel have won it.

'Israel have won it by 7 points
over the United Kingdom.'

That's the end, isn't it?

Well, apart from the reprise
of the winning entry.

Feck me, it's a long night.

If they have run away, they
could be in New Zealand by now.

With beards. That's it.
I'm getting in the car.

You don't drive. I only
said I was gonna get in it.

What good's that gonna do?
It's a good place to ruminate.

I got arrested for that once.

Underneath a flyover.

I'd better call the police.

MAN SQUEALS EXCITEDLY We won!
Oh, my God!

Dana, what is it?

I hate this dress. I want
to wear the Gaultier.

But you're due on stage.
They're waiting for you, darl.

In here!

ALL SCREAM

You still on hold?

APPLAUSE ON TELEVISION

'Just a little hiatus here,
ladies and gentlemen.'

'We can't find them!'

'Obviously, the winners are celebrating
not wisely, but too well...'

Oh, well. They're in good company if
the winner's gone missing as well.

Maybe all the Israelis have
been kidnapped by them...

Shite Muslims.

Mate...

if you ever change
your mind about...

you know where I am.

I'll, um...

I'll bear that in mind.

Dana! Huh!

When I was a little
boy in Jerusalem,

I always knew I was
destined for greatness.

Did you live in a kebab?
Kibbutz.

You two one day will be fabulous.
I can sense it.

Here. This is my card.

If ever you're in trouble, if you ever
need a friend, someone to talk to,

give me a call, OK?

Oh!

Mmm! Mwah!

Sweet boys! Mmm!

How do I look?

Fabulous. MAN KNOCKING: Dana!

I'm ready for my
close-up, Mr Magoo!

It's DeMille. Is it?

Justin?

Justin!

'If you've been raped, press 2.

'For light muggings and
burglaries, press 3.

'If your teenage son has run
away from home, press 4.'

Oh. MUZAK PLAYS

On hold again!

WILD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'Thank you!'

'I knew I should have worn
my Jean-Paul Gaultier.'

How do we get out?

Sod that. How do we get
in to see her for a bit?

What's up here?

"Diva" by Dana International

Debbie, look!

What? Back of the stage.

Look. They're there.

My son rocks!

Ooh! LAUGHS

Miss International?

Er... it's me, Simon.

We met in that toilet?

I've never seen you before in my life!
Keep away from me!

No, Miss International...

Miss International!

Simon?

D Don't let them go

d Don't let them go

d Take a beautiful
dream and let it show

d Don't let them go

d Don't let them go

ENJOY! Do not miss
this tomorrow!