Beautiful People (2008–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - How I Got My Groom - full transcript

ENJOY! Do not miss this tomorrow!
D Ahh-ahh

d Don't let them go
Don't let them go

d Take a beautiful
dream and let it show

d Don't let them go
Don't let them go

d Take a beautiful dream

d And let it grow,
grow, grow, grow, grow

d Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah,
nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. d

SIMON: England might
be cold and grey

but you shouldn't
overlook its attractions.

In the years I've been away,

I've worked my manicured
fingers to the bone.



I'm the crown prince - well, queen -
of international window dressing.

But I'm not expecting a red-carpet
welcome in my home town.

Ah, the magnificently
named Melody Crescent,

where yours truly first
sashayed down the sidewalk.

Oh, OK, then - pranced
along the pavement.

This sad-looking house was
once floral and fabulous,

home to my best friend Kylie.

And this... yes, this
is wherelstarted out.

This was home.

DOORBELL CHIMES

Simon!

What are you doing back, lover?

Sacha's dumped me.

Oh, no. Oh, my poor baby.



SHE TUTS Who's Sacha?

Don't you follow me on Twitter?

Oh, we did for a while

but your dad's bang into Stephen
Fry's quirky updates, tweet-wise.

Who are they?

I took in a couple
of Poles, love.

Is it OK if I just go to my
room and lick my wounds?

Is that a gay thing?

They'll need washing.
Do you mind?

Mind? Course not.
What are mums for?

Bless.

Paulenka? Ivona?

On, it's nice to have
you back, lover.

Back in the bosom, so to speak.

'Bless.'

Oh, remember this?

How could I forget?

'You know, I wasn't always a
glass-half-empty, gay 20-something

'with my hands in my pockets.

'I was a glass-half-full
teen mincing machine

'with my hands well
and truly in the air.

'Because whereas most
14-year-old boys in 1998

'were fancying girls
and playing football,

'me and my best mate Kylie

'were fancying footballers
and playing girls.'

Simon, your tea's ready!

So, how was everyone's day?

Simon?

Eugh. Well, you know
Madame Bricolage?

New French teacher with
the dodgy decolletage.

Cuts her own hair. Big fan
of a clip-on earring.

Well, she turned up
at school today in...

a '70s micro safari suit.

With matching mushroom
accessories, if you please.

Oh, that is obscene. Do you mind?
We're eating.

I feel sick. Bleugh. I'm
this close to retching.

Oh, what does she think she's playing at?
That is an outrage.

I thought teachers were
meant to set an example.

What is the world coming to? That
is political correctness gone mad.

Is it?

No, it probably isn't, is it?

Ashlene?

Well, you know you told me
to be nice to that new boy?

Manners cost nothing, Ashlene.

I tongued him.

Round the back of the
Mo Mowlam Annexe.

Oh, bless.

And he got serious wood.

You're all heart, Ashlene.

Got any homework, Simon?

Oh, yes, we have to do
a project on genes.

Now, that is a
brilliant subject.

I've got a gorgeous pair of Gloria
Vanderbilts up in the loft.

I was never out of them
in the '80s, was I, And?

Wouldn't take them off for no-one.
Yeah. I remember.

They're Gloria
Vanderbilts, Doctor.

Scrape or no scrape, these big
boys ain't coming off for no-one.

HE TUTS Not those sort of jeans.

He means genes. Like,
family trees and shit.

Does your mum let you
say "shit" at home?

Nah, but she talks a lot of it.

So, as of tonight, I'm going to
be drawing up our family tree

and interviewing you all
about our family history.

ALL: Ooh!

'Kylie's genealogy research
was a rather brief affair.'

Me mam's name were Enid,
me dad's name were Roy.

Your dad was Matt the Twat.
And that's it.

That's your family.

Just get 'em off, batty bwoy.

'Whereas, once my family started,
you couldn't shut them up.'

And he was married to Rita-Anne,

whose twin sister was Amy-May,
or Amy-Will, as we called her.

She just had the 15 boys.

Um, Colin, Joseph,
Brendan, Simeon,

Winston, Ashton-Under-Lyme,
Georgie-Porgie...

Poor sod. Now, he really did kiss
the girls and make them cry.

He turned out to be
a serial rapist.

Now, your Aunty Aoife
with the lazy eye

ran away to Paris
to be a Bluebell,

which is where I think you get
your love for the theatre from.

Now, her triplets - Faith,
Hope and Chamois Leather -

had a trigamous marriage
with Ernie O'Flaherty

who used to play the spoons outside
the Superquinn on Slainche Street.

SITAR PLAYS

And as the cold winds of partition
blew across the tundra,

Daddy ran towards the
helicopter and I ran after him,

my bare feet burning on all the
chilli peppers on the ground.

"Don't leave me,
Daddy," I cried.

"I am but a poor and
lonely blind girl.

"How will I cope in this
newly divided land?"

Hang on, you once told me
you were born in Bushey.

MUSIC STOPS SUDDENLY Oh!
I was on a roll then.

Bushey by name, bushy by nature.

Anyway, Simon, although you
call her your Aunty Hayley,

she's not your real aunty, so what's
she doing in your family tree?

Oh, no, we're allowed
extended family.

I must be about the
only person in my class

with real, live,
married parents.

That caused a few raised eyebrows
in school, I can tell you.

THEY ALL LAUGH

Married parents?!

Freak. Weirdo.

This is a sink estate.

How can your parents possibly be -
what was the word again? - married?

But they are!

Prove it!

So I said I'd take in a copy
of your marriage certificate.

I don't think I've got it.

No, I think you, er, accidentally
set fire to it, didn't you, Debs?

Oh!

D Burn, baby, burn... d

'There'd always been
something not quite right

'about my mum and
dad's wedding.'

So that's your mum and
dad's wedding photo?

Yeah.

Isn't that Princess
Di's wedding dress?

Yes, it is!

How come?

Well, she gave it me.
Well, did she?

Yeah. Oh, she was lovely, Diana.
A real pal.

But when she died, you never
once mentioned you'd met her.

Didn't I? You know you didn't.

Oh, I'm such a goofball.

In fact, whenever
I do mention her,

you call her a dead,
parasitical, airhead bitch.

Section me now!

That is a terrible thing to say

about our latter day Queen of Tarts...
Hearts.

Where'd you meet her?

She's lying. I'm not lying.

Well, when I was much younger,
I wanted to be a ballerina.

You're not the only
one, girlfriend.

SMASH!

Simon! Simon!

HAYLEY: Stop dancing!

Anyway, our ballet
mistress, Madame Edith,

said I was a bit too
much of a bonny lass

to really make it "en pointe".

So I went and got that
anorexia, didn't I?

Cor, that's not a
barrel of laughs.

That is not a barrel
of laughs, is it, And?

He isn't here.

Did you really? You've never
brought it up before.

Unlike ever meal I had
from '79 through '83.

Anyway, when I got down
to a very low weight,

I think I was just
under a stone,

I started going to
a support group,

and who should be there

but lovely Lady Princess
Diana of Hearts Al-Fayed.

She took one look at me.

She said, "If you can get up
to your target weight, Debbie,

"I will give you my
old wedding dress."

Aren't they Princess
Di's bridesmaids?

Well, that was her all over.
Give, give, give.

Right, who wants a cup of tea?

D I love to love you, baby...
d KNOCK AT DOOR

Here, Debbie, you know this erotica
stuff written for women by women?

It's actually quite good.

What do they call it again?
Clitorati? Flick lit?

I wonder if I could
read it with one hand.

Aunty Hayley... It's the
Peloponnesian Wars.

Did my mum used to
have a weight problem?

A weight problem? Only,
she said she did.

Yeah, she was huge. She
was the size of a house.

Dumbo Debbie, we
used to call her.

In fact, she was a dead
ringer for Giant Haystacks

when she married your dad.

MUSIC: Mendelssohn's
Wedding March

AUNTY HAYLEY: When she said she
wanted roses in her bouquet,

none of us realised
she meant Cadbury's.

But see, that's the
wonder of your dad.

He's attracted to inner beauty.

You are stunning!

Hurry up so we can get
on with the meal.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered
here in the sight of God...

Faster, Pastor!

QUICKLY: to join together this man
and this woman in holy matrimony

which is an honourable estate...

SIMON: 'Over the years,
my family had recounted

'the story of their
big day many times,

'and their versions
rarely tallied.

'For instance, my dad's...'

d Especially for you...
d FEEDBACK SQUEALS

d I wanna tell you I was
feeling that way too... d

ANDY:'When I married your mother,
we were bang into Kylie and Jason,

'though our mic technique
left a lot to be desired.'

SIMON: And don't even get
me started on that mullet.

D No matter how far... d

'Then, of course, there
was my mum's version.'

MUSIC: "Relax" by Frankie
Goes To Hollywood

'It being the '80s, power dressing
was in with a capital P.'

d Relax, don't do it
when you want to...

No, OK, pull me, Precious Marie.

'But it's no laughing matter

'when you discover your meringue's
too big for the house of God.'

d Relax, don't do it...

Andy!

D Relax, don't do it

d When you want to come. d

Hang on a sec.

You told me before that you were
wearing Lady Diana's wedding dress.

Oh, yeah.

God, I always get so
confused about it. Um...

It's almost like you never
got married at all.

Anyway, shall we
have a singsong?

D I'm a fire starter
Twisted fire starter... d

Oh, my God.

Did you never get married?

Am I... a bastard?

SHE SOBS

No and yes.

I think the phrase
is "gay bastard".

ANDY AND HAYLEY: Ashlene!

I'm...

a foundling.

D Where is love

d Does it fall from skies above

d Is it underneath
the willow tree

d That I've been dreaming of... d

KNOCK AT DOOR

Cheer up, girlfriend.
Being a bastard rocks.

SPRIGHTLY MUSIC STARTS

d Consider yourself at home... d

MUSIC STOPS Piss off.

We always meant to
get married, lover.

Just, life kept getting in the way.
And we were so young.

The first time your
dad stood me up.

Bastard!

No, you're the bastard. Sorry.

Yeah. I waited and waited.

Where was he?

Gone to an Enya gig
the night before.

Got lagging drunk with
some other freaks

who were into that
stupid Irish bitch.

Slept in a gutter. Not
that I hold a grudge.

My God, that's awful.

I know.

Dad's into Enya?!

No, Simon, it's awful
he stood me up.

So, second time around
I got my own back.

Forgot to go to the
registry office.

Checked out a Kajagoogoo
concert instead.

My God!

I thought you guys had
good taste in music.

I wasn't in my right mind.

Anyway, then I fell
pregnant with Ashlene

and time never really felt
right and I changed my name.

I'm shocked. I'm sorry.

Enya?!

All right, Simon, don't
kick the arse out of it.

You're really showing
yourself up now.

MUSIC: "Too Shy" by Kajagoogoo

CLOCK TICKS

You're doing that
thing with your foot.

That thing you do when
you're really upset.

I've only ever seen you do
it three times in your life.

The day you came out of hospital
after having your appendix out.

Do you blame me? I only went
in to go carol singing.

The night Eldoradofinished.
Polly Perkins was a God.

The Moldova massacre in Dynasty.

I thought Joan Collins
might be brain damaged.

And now.

You know I hated
lying to the kids.

I'm basically an
honest person, lover.

Well, now they know the truth.

Still, Simon seems to have
taken it quite well, really.

MUSIC: "First Cut Is The
Deepest" by Cat Stevens

I'm self-harming cos I'm
full of self-loathing.

There's blood a-pumpin'

and a-spillin' all over my
Phoebe from Friendsduvet set.

She's hilare.

Amazing how your blood's
the exact same colour

as your mum's Hollywood
Kiss lipliner.

I know. Isn't it to-die-for?

Cheer up, girlfriend.

One day we're gonna move
to London and live where?

Amongst the beautiful people.

But the big question is, Kylie,

will they accept me when they find
out I come from une maison cassee?

Une what?

Broken home.

HE SIGHS

If honesty is so
important to you...

It is, lover.

Then maybe I should make
an honest woman of you.

SHEGASPS

Debbie Doonan, would you do
me the immense honour of...

Pulling my leg. I've got a cramp.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

You were gonna ask
me a question.

I know! My feckin' leg!
What were you gonna say?

Will you thingy? What?

Will you marry us? Marry YOU?

That's what I said. You said us.

Don't split hairs. Yes!

What? Yes, you feckin' eejit.

I'll marry you!

'This was the best
news we'd had in ages.

'Now I had a wedding to plan.'

d We're starting together

d We're taking a
chance on what we feel

d We're starting together

d Because we believe
our love is real

d We'll promise to
have and to hold

d From this day on until
we're frail and old...

'Flowers, champagne and fairytale
dresses are easy enough to sort out.

'But my mum's ongoing
problem was her hair.

'The only hairdresser in Reading
who didn't make her look tarty

'had recently died.

'Or she thought she'd died.'

Arggh!

Argggh!

THEY BOTH SCREAM

THUD!

Eh, I fan you with my
People's Friend. Huh?

I am a people.
This is my friend.

Tameka. Is dead.

I am her identical
cousin, Johoyo.

'Tameka's hair salon,
Reservoir Bobs,

'had brought a blast of colour
to our dreary high street.

'Her passing left a gap in the market
for a comparably crazy crimper -

'her identical cousin.'

And this is Johoyo's Hair A Go-Go.
Hey!

It is a hairdressing establishment
of the highest reputation.

So-o... No. Johoyo.

So you're a hairdresser as well.
As well as what?

A police lady? No.

I could never squeeze a
truncheon in my clutch bag.

Same as your twin.

Johoyo says ho-ho-ho.

I am a brilliant hairdresser.

Far better than that dead
bitch cousin of mine.

I cut hair off. I cut it up.
I cut it out.

Cut it out!

All with the help of my
cutty cutty boom-boom.

Scissors?

You say potato, Isay potato.

So, you are going to be
my first customer, huh?

Here. My first customer here.

Er...

Johoyo says go-go-go.

Now! Hey.

'If you think the
cake looks crap,

'wait till you see
my mum's hair.'

You not having a
little drink, Ashlene?

I don't feel like it.

Oh, that's not like you.

I ain't an alkie.

Anyway, she's already taken
six Es and a bag of crap.

Crack. Get it right, Simon.

Oh, are you excited
about tomorrow, babes?

Yes. Can't wait to be second
pageboy slash petal girl.

I was talking to Debbie.Oh.

Ican't wait, Hayles. And I'm
really loving my hen night.

Watching girlie movies, getting
completely shit-faced.

'Scuse language.

Please can we watch something
with Bette Midler in it? Please?

I've told you, we're watching
Schindler's List, Sophie's Choice

and Judgment at Nuremberg.

Nazi, but nice.

Where are you going, Dad?

Now, a man's stag do should
remain a secret, Ashlene.

Er, just to the Beaver. Sink a
few jars with some of the lads.

Me mum's taking a lot of
mates up the Beaver tonight.

Is she?

Oh, well. Maybe we'll find
somewhere else, then.

She's going to see some band.
Enyata? Enya tribute band.

Oh, bollocks. Really?

Andy, you can't seriously still be
thinking about going up the Beaver.

Why not? Why not? Why not?!

Turn the clock back 18 years,

you standing me up because of
that talentless new-age nut job.

I'm a different man now.
I can handle me drink.

A couple of bars of
her mystical music,

you'll be back under her spell again.
Debbie, you're overreacting.

It's not even the same person.

I forbid you to
walk out that door.

Yeah, but I'm meeting the lads.

Debbie. Get a grip.

What am I gonna do, Hayles?

DOOR CLOSES

We are gonna carry on with
your hen night, darling,

that's what we're gonna do.

But this is Enya
we're talking about.

WOMAN: Hello, I'm Enyata, your
very own Enya tribute act.

Hold onto your unicorns.

I'm gonna sing me first
song Orinoco Ho.

Enya's skinny. Leave it.

D In a boat, in a boat,
in a boat upon the ocean

d If you're scared,
if you're scared

d You might pass a nutty motion

d If it hurts, if it hurts, please
be sure to use some lotion... d

'While my father had apparently put
beer goggles on for the Orinoco Ho,

'on the other side of town, my
mum was in a more sober mood,

'reflecting on a future
abandoned, alone, unloved.'

d Well, where did you go?

D When things went wrong, baby?

D Who did you run to

d To find a shoulder
to lay your head upon?

D Baby, wasn't I there?

D And didn't I take
good care of you?

D Oh, no, I can't believe
you're leaving me

d Oh, no, no

d Oh, stay with me, baby

d Stay with me, baby

d Stay with me, baby

d I can't go on...

You're getting married
in the morning?

Ding, dong, the bells
are going to chime.

I don't suppose you fancy
a last little fling

with a purty Irish
megastar, do you?

Show me where she is and I
might just have a ride.

Oh, you're a
silver-tongued devil.

Give us a kiss.

No, get your hands off!

Get off him!

What have you got in that handbag?
A brick?

Have you got a
problem with that?

Lads, thanks for the
drink and everything.

Everything? Have
youse got a line?

I'm gaggin'.

I've got a wedding to get to.

And this time I'm not gonna
miss it for the world.

Argh! Oh!

So what theme did
you go for again?

The Sound of Music. Oh.
And who am I again?

Captain Von Trapp. Oh!

Is that...? Shut it, batty bwoy.

Whoo! Whoo, yes.

I'm not too late, am I?

Who invited you?

You did, you drunken old eejit.

Now, come on. I want front-row seats.
The groom is a dirty great ride.

'Critics might say I ordered a tad
too much material for the dress

'but, hey, at least
I gave my mum

'one of the greatest train
journeys in the world.'

UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS INSIDE

d I got the music in me
I got the music in me

d I got the music in me!
Whoo... d

Thank you, Enyata.

HE SQUEALS

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

my son Simon is gonna
mark the occasion

with a special wedding dance

with his friend Kylie.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give
you Spirit Of The Bride.

TANGO MUSIC PLAYS

Genius. He gets his
twinkle toes from me.

Andy, I'm not wearing any pants.

Ashlene, put that out.

Why?

Because I'm your
da and I say so.

Shut up. What?

I'm 16, I'm a grown-up.

Are you shite. You're
a little girl.

Oh, am I? You're my baby.

Oh, just put it out, Ashlene.

If I'm a little girl...
Which you are.

Then how comes I'm pregnant?

MUSIC STOPS, THEY GASP

Andy, sometimes squeezing
a strange woman's breasts

can be handy at a
time like this.

Keep going. Dr Footlights
will see us through.

MUSIC RESUMES

Lucky cow.

Whose is it?

An unmarried mother?

Er, pot, kettle, black.

I was in a loving, committed
relationship when I had you.

Debbie, calm down.
I'll look after it.

And you're not being much help.

Oh, shut up, Debbie. Just have a
drink and steady your nerves.

Look, she's pregnant. There's not
a lot we can do about that now.

We can't exactly...

Resew the hymen after
the horse has bolted...

HE RETCHES... sort of thing.

Are you keeping it? Yeah.

Another drink, Hayley.
YOU ain't blind.

No, but I'm gonna get
blind bloody drunk.

Hey, is that blind
one all right?

She always gets maudlin
when she's on the gin.

'So, the wedding day had
proved to be memorable.

'And it didn't stop there.'

I quite like being a bastard.

It means you get to go to
your own parents' wedding.

Freak.

I'm a mother-to-be, Simon.

I'll smoke inside the house
cos if I smoke outside

it might harm the baby.

Do you really not
know who the dad is?

Course I know.

Only he don't wanna.

I just want you to know
that if it's a girl,

I'm gonna call it Simon.

Really?

Piss off!

TOILET FLUSHES

Which clever dick
moved my bed, eh?

Jeez, Debbie, you've put
on a bit of weight.

Could have had a little shave
for your wedding night.

That is one hell of a hairy growler.
HE CHUCKLES

THEY BOTH GRUNT

SHE SCREAMS

THEY BOTH SCREAM

Rape! Rape!

Andy interfered with me. I
thought it was you, Debbie.

He touched me where I haven't
been touched since Greenham.

She climbed into the
bloody bed with me.

You did what? I
thought it was you.

I couldn't see
where I was going.

Oh, right, the minute my back's
turned and look what you do.

I am a victim of abuse here.
He's defiled me.

Put a sock in it, Hayley.
I bet you loved it.

You are a poor excuse
for a woman, Debbie.

Yeah, well, at least I'm
not a bed-hopping slut.

Drop dead, Grandma!

SIMON CHOKES Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, Simon's
swallowed the groom.

'And that certainly
wouldn't be the last time.'

Heimlich manoeuvre.
Heimlich manoeuvre.

QUIET SINGING NEARBY

What's that noise?

Polish washing song.

THUDDING Pole dancing?

Oh, I ain't half
missed you, Simon.

How long are you here for?

The world's my oyster.

Stay.

D Ahh-ahh

d Don't let them go
Don't let them go

d Take a beautiful
dream and let it show

d Don't let them go
Don't let them go

d Take a beautiful dream

d And let it grow, grow,
grow, grow, grow. d

ENJOY! Do not miss
this tomorrow!