Beautiful People (2008–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - How I Got My Globe - full transcript
Simon and Kylie are entranced by glamorous new teacher Miss Prentice who regales them with romantic tales of her passionate lover Francois. Debbie is less captivated when Miss Prentice takes the boys into the pub where she works and throws the 'beautiful person' out. At odds with his mother Simon decides to follow Miss Prentice to London when she answers a call from Francois to re-kindle their affair. However, on arrival he finds that Miss Prentice leads a far from romantic existence and lives on a council estate. Disillusioned, he is surprised and heartened when Debbie tells him of a gay friend of hers, Jamie, whose motto was 'Never Give Up on Your Dreams' and encourages Simon to do the same. Sadly Jamie died of AIDS but he gave Debbie a snow globe, which she passes on to her son.
ENJOY! Do not miss
this tomorrow!
D Ah-ah
d Don't let them go,
don't let them go
d Take a beautiful
dream and let it show
d Don't let them go,
don't let them go
d Take a beautiful dream
d And let it grow,
grow, grow, grow, grow
d Na-na-na-na-na-na,
na, na-na-na
d Let it grow, grow,
grow, grow, grow d
Whenever I feel homesick for
England, I do one of three things.
I drink 18 pints of warm
beer before throwing up
all over my $500
Louboutin pony pumps,
I happy-slap a pearly queen,
or...
I look at my London
snow globe...
and I'm back there.
Not that my view growing up in
Reading was quite so romantic.
Ah, you... you wanker! If you think
you're getting your leg over, forget it.
Weasel.
But a boy can have dreams.
Mine often involved Mary Poppins
floating down from the sky to
offer wise words of inspiration.
Tell that sister of yours to
get over herself, girlfriend.
What's so brilliant about
Mary-bleedin'-Poppins?
Er... she's practically
perfect in every way.
- Why haven't we got nannies?
- Er... cos we're 13.
Can you stop saying "Er"
in front of everything
cos, er... it's really
getting on my, er... tits.
Posh kids have nannies cos their parents
can't be arsed to look after 'em.
And yet in the eternal
class struggle,
it's always people like us that
social services come sniffing after.
Oh, bless.
Bet Mary Poppins never
got a wolf-whistle.
You say that like
it's a bad thing.
Wake up and smell the coffee, Simon.
No one
is gonna blow into your
life on an umbrella.
Not today, not
tomorrow, not ever.
Oh!
Wanna bet?
Ohh-ohh! Aaaghh!
- Who's that?
- New English teacher.
Aaa-aaagh!
Ohhh! Ohhh!
Close your mouth, Simon.
We are not a codfish.
Reading's such a dump, guys.
I don't know how you do it.
Oh, I Just want to be
back in London, you know?
The King's Road. Sloane Square.
The parties. The life.
The beautiful people.
I had a lover in London.
Francois.
He dumped me.
I stuck a pin in a map
and I ended up here.
Thought I'd fallen out of love
with the Smoke, but now...
Miss, was... Francois amazing?
Francois...
was the most arousing lover...
that I've ever had.
Proficient, attentive,
enduring,
tender when he needed to be,
but not frightened
of being rough.
Really rough, God damn it!
He took me to Klosters once.
We made love in the snow.
Pounding, furtive,
animalistic lovemaking.
Deeper and deeper, and louder...
and louder, oh!
I'm going to organise
a school skiing trip.
Which literally meant...
I'm going to take you
away from all this.
So what the feck would you
want to go skiing for?
Er... because it's educational?
And what's educational
about slidin' off an alp?
I bet the apres-ski post-piste
piss-up's a giggle, though, Ands.
- Hayley, he's 13.
- It's an outrageous suggestion.
It's not outrageous
at all, God damn it.
Who's that over there?
- Hayley's mate Sheila-Galesha.
She's blind. - Oh.
She's a bit lonely cos her flatmate's
moved out. She's quite shy and retirin'.
This book's shit.
There's no sex in it.
- I'm gonna get off now, Hayley.
- Oh, OK.
Um... I'll, er... I'll...
I'll show you out.
Give over nippin' me, Hayley.
You're like a bloody dog.
It's been lovely
meetin' you all.
You and all, darlin'. Go
easy in them flares, yeah?
That really is the blind
leadin' the blind.
I 'eard that.
How much does this trip cost?
It's a snip at only L418.
Four hundred and... Where does she
think she's teaching? Friggin' Eton?
- What, so you're not going to give it me?
- Got it in one, sunshine.
You gave Ashlene 20 quid when
she went to Alton Towers.
Yeah, well, 20 quid is slightly
different than 400 big ones.
Plus the telly's on the blink.
It's making Melinda
Messenger look epileptic.
- You came unprepared.
- Yes, I did, I...
If we buy a new telly,
we can all benefit from
it. What do we get out
of you going skiing?
I'd let you wear my Jump
suit, if I got one.
You better face facts.
It ain't gonna happen.
This is abuse! I'm
phoning social services.
They'll know who you are, after
where you sent me to nursery.
The orphanage gave you a deeper
understanding of other children's pain.
What about this
child's pain now?
- The other daycare facilities were full
up. - They had a lovely dildo-rail.
- Victorian?
- Quasi.
Then there's only one thing for it. I shall
have to go out and earn the money myself.
Skinflints. O ye of little faith.
This is Blair's Britain.
If Noel Gallagher and Meg can
go to 10 Downing Street,
I think I can earn some money
and get me to Klosters.
But, Simon, you
can't do anything.
Hayley?
I think you might've put her in
the broom cupboard, darling.
Well, she gets on my tits.
Hayley?
For God's sake.
Dynasty is to die for.
I wish I'd have been
older in the '80s.
Padded shoulders are a
godsend to the waist.
It's no good, Kylie.
I'm gonna have to get a Job.
D Goo-gan da goo-goo mm
ba-ba Mm-bee dul-dee-boo
d Mm-dooboo, ba-ba-ba...
- Could you stop? That is really annoying.
- Sure she's only scattin', Hayley.
Call that a scat? This is scat.
D Buh duh zuh-zuh-zuh
zuz-zuh-zuh
d Zah-zah-zaz bluz wazzoo!
D Boodoo dee doo!
Boodoo dee doo!
Oh!
Mum, can I come and be a
glass collector at your pub?
No, you're too young.
Dad.
- Can I come and help you out at work?
- Yes.
D HalleluJahl d
Or to put it another way, no.
By the rhythm of your late-night
flicking, you're not a happy bunny.
Hayley's been all weird with me
since she got this new friend.
- Sheila-Galesha? - Don't trust
people with double-barrel names.
Well, it's great for Hayley to
have a pal who's... like her.
She's not like her.
Hayley's a laugh.
And she may be blind but she
looks out for everyone.
Sheila-Galesha's Just dull.
Then there's this new teacher of Simon's.
He's obsessed with her.
"Miss Prentice this, Miss Prentice
that." What's she got I haven't got?
- By all accounts, she is fabulous.
- I'm fabulous!
At least I thought I was.
I'm losing him, Andy,
I'm losing my baby.
Are you on your blob?
New men. They're not happy unless
they're dragging your cycle into it.
You see, y'are fabulous.
You've got forthright opinions and you hose
people with them at the drop of a hat.
I do not!
I like a nice dwarf, and I won't rest
until I see a midget in parliament.
Cigarettes are life-enhancing.
But Arctic roll is evil.
Aaahh! Aaahh!
Childbirth doesn't hurt unless
you're a naturally whiny person.
OK, so I'm opinionated.
Can we Just drop it?
No, what I mean is
you're a strong woman so
our Simon's comfortable
with strong women,
which is why he's drawn to this...
you know, Miss Prentice bird.
She'd every reason
to be Jealous.
Our love affair with the obJect
of her disaffection was soaring.
I feel so claustrophobic here.
Reading's...
so oppressive, guys.
Oh!
I can barely breathe.
She walks, she talks,
and guess what.
She sings.
D There's gotta be
something better than this
d There's gotta be
something better to do
d And when I find me
something better to do
d I'm gonna get up, I'm gonna get out,
I'm gonna get up, get out and do it
d And when I find me
d Some kind of life I can live
d I'm gonna get up
d I'm gonna get out
d I'm gonna get up, get out
d And live d
Live it!
- What are you doing?
- Er... my mum works here.
So? Come on.
Francois was like...
poetry itself, you know?
Is she here?
A Roman nose.
A furtive eyebrow.
Well, he had two
eyebrows, obviously.
I mean, he wasn't like hideously disfigured
in a student-prank-gone-wrong type thing.
He said...
my tits
were like two upturned...
creme brulées...
without the burnt
bits on the bottom.
You have a look of him.
Oh. Was he black?
Mm, no.
Tell us some more about skiing.
Hayley! Hayley, you stupid bitch,
you're sitting on my ironing.
Oh, I thought it was a cushion.
What are you, blind?
- Sorry.
- Oh.
- And I'm a bitch? I'm a bitch?
- I said bitch in a nice way.
Well, you won't have to worry
about "the bitch" any more
because this bitch
is mo-oo-ovin' out.
Oh, yeah? Where to? Let me guess.
Sheila-Galesha's.
- Got a problem with that?
- I thought she got on your tits.
You get on my tits.
I still moved in.
I can't wait to see how
long you last there.
You'll either die of boredom or burst into
flames from the swish of her loon pants.
Oh, bollocks.
One day, we're going
to move to London.
Yes, and live amongst
the beautiful people.
And do you know what, boys?
I think you will.
I think...
you will.
Of course I know that look now.
It means...
You don't know this yet,
but you're both raging
homosexualists.
- Is Pervy Pete in?
- No.
Shame. I got him a beautiful
Sam Fox tea towel
from Argos. Ooh, she's
a luscious lovely.
Who served them?
Oi! Fag-ash Lil! What d'you
think you're playing at?
Are you talking to me?
No, to Su Pollard. Course
I'm talking to you.
- I don't understand.
- Is that cos you're a little bit thick?
Ooh, you really are quite a
vulgar little piece, aren't you?
Sorry, can someone translate? I
don't speak la-di-da, darling.
Mother! You're showing me up.
Oh...!
I see.
Get your hands off him. What
kind of a woman are you?
And what kind of a
mother are you?
- Think you're hard cos you're a teacher?
- Not really.
You know, I knew I was teaching kids
who'd had a poor start in life,
but I didn't realise they
were from the ghetto.
I ain't ghetto! D'you hear me?
I ain't ghetto!
I ain't Netto! And I ain't... Simon!
What else rhymes with Netto?
- Rigoletto?
- Cornetto.
- Mum, let her go!
- Oh! Oh! Oh! Eeee-eee-eeeh-aaahhh!
Eeeh-aahh! Uh! Ow! Aaaah-hahha!
Aaah!
Oh! Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh!
Ugh! Wha...
Aah! Aaagghh!
Oh! Get off me!
Aaghh-haa-haa-haa!
Aaahhh-haa!
If only there was a nearby
lily pond, then it'd
Just be like Alexis and
Krystal in Dynasty.
- Ooh! - Ow-www!
- And as if by magic...
- Oh!
Come here!
Uh! Aah!
Uh!
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh-ooh-ooh!
Ooh-ooh-ooh!
Uh! Grraah!
Ah! Oh!
Uh! Aahhh!
Ugh!
Uhhh!
Oh!
Fabulous.
Simon, 13-year-old boys
are not allowed in pubs.
What if the filth had come in?
I don't know what filth means.
I'm not vulgar.
The pub'd lose its licence, I'd
lose my Job, we'd all starve.
Mum? Where's all Aunt
Hayley's stuff gone?
- She moved out.
- What?
You're quite happy for me to sink a skinful
in here. Ergo, you're a hypocrite.
Drop it, Simon. There's hardly any alcohol
in your father's potato and Vimto wine.
- She moved out?
- We're not Joined at the hip.
You're Just Jealous because Miss
Prentice is something you'll never be.
- Pert-bottomed?
- Mild-mannered?
- Nice?
- Bohemian!
You are looking for a smack,
Simon Doonan, do you hear me?
The whole of Reading
can hear you!
Of course, all good love
affairs must come to an end.
Francois...
is begging me to take him back.
I miss his touch,
his smell,
first thing in the morning,
like burnt oranges in
the California sun.
But... what about
the skiing trip?
I raised 60 quid towards it.
Here's my address.
Write.
I'll tell my mum
not to report you.
Oh, boys.
I've been to Nice,
and the isle of Greece,
and I've shipped
champagne on a yacht.
I've moved like Harlow
in Monte Carlo
and I've showed 'em
what I've got.
I've been undressed by kings,
and I've seen some things
that a woman
ain't supposed to see.
I've been to Reading,
but I've never...
been to me.
Au revoir!
D I've been to paradise...
Au revoir.
D Never been to me
d I've been to Georgia
and California... d
London's calling, girlfriend.
We're getting the
new telly tomorrow.
It's got a really massive screen. It'll
be like sitting in the pictures.
Can you leave me alone, please?
This is my bedroom.
My private space.
And what paid for your Poppy
Pocket duvet set, Simon?
- Polly Pocket.
- Plumbing and barmaiderie.
Don't be a snob on us.
D Too many cars, men in
bars and broken hearts
d Riding a bus that
takes them nowhere
d Too many houses, narrow
streets and narrow minds
d And this little town
d Has done for me
d I can live behind a smile
but I'll never breathe
d I can make the best of
life but I'll never leave
d For the sanctity of soul
d I'd better run away
d Hey...
- What are you doing, girlfriend?
- I know what we'll do with your money.
We were finally going to move
amongst the beautiful people.
Shepherd's Bush.
It sounds so beautiful.
That's where they
film Blue Peter.
My God. It must be
really beautiful.
Only the beautiful people must live there.
And Anthea Turner.
I wonder what
Francois looks like.
Oh, my God. I bet he looks like
Jason Orange or something.
Simon?
Simon?
Do you want some breakfast?
Simon?
Suit yourself, then.
A therapist might say my running
away was a cry for help.
It's Just a shame nobody
seemed to hear it.
D I can make the best of life
d But I'll never leave
d For the sanctity of soul
d I'd better run away...
And a keen observer might say
if Aunty Hayley had moved out
why had she left her
hideous paintings?
Hayley?
She might have been blind,
but she sure had taste.
- Thought I, er... might move back in.
- If it's what you want.
- Don't want your pity.
- You won't get it.
I did.
When you first came in the pub, I thought,
"Ah, poor blind bird in the corner."
But then when you opened your
mouth, you were talking gibberish,
you were on six E's, a gram of speed,
teetering on the edge of a K-hole,
but I could see underneath
it all you were brilliant.
It is hard being this perfect.
What happened with
Sheila-Galesha?
Well, you were
right, she is dull.
- And, um... quite windy.
- Right.
- Front and back.
- I very rarely do that.
Except when you took
me to Yogalates.
Yeah, but one swallow
don't make a summer.
And speaking of summer,
Kylie and I discovered the sun always
shines on Shepherd's Bush Green.
Well, except when it's raining,
I suppose, or... or snowing.
- Wake up. Come on, wake up.
- Oh!
Simon, come and watch
the new telly with us!
- Have you seen him this morning?
- He's in a funny mood.
He could be laying dead in bed.
Fingers crossed.
- Don't be horrible, Ashlene.
- Yeah, Ashlene, you is well out of order.
Da-nah!
- Hey!
- Yay!
- Simon! Come on down!
- Simon!
Leave him, he'll be down in a minute.
He loves
Live & Kicking. I think
he fancies Zoë Ball.
Can you blame him? She
is a dirty great ride.
Grab your phones and
press these numbers...
d There's a place for us
d Somewhere
d A place for us
d Peace and quiet
d And open air
d Wait for us
d Somewhere
d There's a place for us
d A time and place for us
d Hold my hand
d And we're halfway there
d Hold my hand
d And I'll take you there...
And we also discovered that first
impressions can be deceptive.
This can't be right.
What?
Er... is Miss Prentice in?
- What, you mean Maureen?
- Who is it, Francois?
You're Francois?
- What the bloody 'ell are you doing here?
- We've run away.
- Thought we could move in with you.
- What? Are you completely mad?
Our parents don't understand us.
Who the hell are these
two nancy boys, Maureen?
Keep away from me and
never come here again.
Go on!
D Hold my hand
d And I'll take you there
d Somehow
d Some day
d Somewhere d
Come on, girlfriend,
all is not lost.
Well, that went well. We'll
sort it out later...
- I feel sick.
- Oh, d'you want some Rescue Remedy?
I have it for whenever
I hear steps.
- The group?
- Behind me.
D'you want to know what
we do on Friday night?
- Zoë Ball looks like a bloke.
- All I said was...
- All you said was you thought she was fit.
- Exactly.
Have you got no consideration
for your poor wife's feelings?
Just cos I get a book out of the library
doesn't mean I'm gonna shag it.
What if I started rubbing myself up
the screen when Andi Peters came on?
You're rubbing yourself
up the wrong tree.
D We're gonna rock this Joint
until the morning light
d Crowd is Jumping,
hey, it feels all right
- Simon?
- D Forget Monday, Tuesday
d Wednesday, Thursday,
hey, it's Friday night
- dJust another day...
- Simon?
D Sitting watching the clock...
- What?
- Hayley, pass me the phone.
- Simon's on the telly.
- What?
He's a good ol' mover.
D Pushin' Monday
through to Friday...
Police, please.
Don't you ever do
that to me again.
London's skanky.
I thought it was where
I wanted to end up,
but...
now I've got no dream.
London's a big place, Simon.
You've Just been
to the wrong part.
Before I met your dad, I lived with
this gorgeous bloke called Jamie.
Oh, he was a scream, Jamie,
funny, snappy dresser,
and what he didn't know about Liza
Minnelli was nobody's business.
He used to say that every night
he dreamt he went on his roof
and he Jumped off, and he danced
across the roof tops of London.
And he said one day
he was gonna do it,
cos he said you should never
give up on your dreams.
He gave me this.
I want you to have it.
You never give up
on your dreams.
Did he ever do it?
He got ill,
and... and he died.
And I didn't know him for
long, but he touched my life.
I still get the occasional tea
cosy from his friend Philip.
- Tea cosy?
- Oh, he's mad, darling.
Am I like Jamie?
No.
And it was in that
moment I realised...
my mother was in denial.
I love you.
As was I...
wanting to find the
beautiful people,
when maybe they were closer
to home than I thought.
D We're gonna get there
d Oh, we're gonna get there
d And we'll see beautiful smiles
d From the beautiful people
d We're gonna get there
d Oh, we're gonna get there
- d And we'll have beautiful lives...
- It's gonna be all right.
D With the beautiful people
d I'm sick of them staring
d Looking me up and down
d Oh-oh, in this old town
d Well, it's only cos they
ain't got nothing else to do
d And maybe when you go
and find somewhere new
d Oh-oh, they'll miss you now
d They'll miss you now
d Oh-oh
d Oh-oh, this old town
d We're gonna get there
d We're gonna get there
d And we'll see beautiful smiles
from the beautiful people
d We're gonna get there
d We're gonna get there
d And we'll have beautiful lives
with the beautiful people
d Don't let them go
d Don't let them go
d Your dreams may be foolish... d
ENJOY! Do not miss
this tomorrow!
this tomorrow!
D Ah-ah
d Don't let them go,
don't let them go
d Take a beautiful
dream and let it show
d Don't let them go,
don't let them go
d Take a beautiful dream
d And let it grow,
grow, grow, grow, grow
d Na-na-na-na-na-na,
na, na-na-na
d Let it grow, grow,
grow, grow, grow d
Whenever I feel homesick for
England, I do one of three things.
I drink 18 pints of warm
beer before throwing up
all over my $500
Louboutin pony pumps,
I happy-slap a pearly queen,
or...
I look at my London
snow globe...
and I'm back there.
Not that my view growing up in
Reading was quite so romantic.
Ah, you... you wanker! If you think
you're getting your leg over, forget it.
Weasel.
But a boy can have dreams.
Mine often involved Mary Poppins
floating down from the sky to
offer wise words of inspiration.
Tell that sister of yours to
get over herself, girlfriend.
What's so brilliant about
Mary-bleedin'-Poppins?
Er... she's practically
perfect in every way.
- Why haven't we got nannies?
- Er... cos we're 13.
Can you stop saying "Er"
in front of everything
cos, er... it's really
getting on my, er... tits.
Posh kids have nannies cos their parents
can't be arsed to look after 'em.
And yet in the eternal
class struggle,
it's always people like us that
social services come sniffing after.
Oh, bless.
Bet Mary Poppins never
got a wolf-whistle.
You say that like
it's a bad thing.
Wake up and smell the coffee, Simon.
No one
is gonna blow into your
life on an umbrella.
Not today, not
tomorrow, not ever.
Oh!
Wanna bet?
Ohh-ohh! Aaaghh!
- Who's that?
- New English teacher.
Aaa-aaagh!
Ohhh! Ohhh!
Close your mouth, Simon.
We are not a codfish.
Reading's such a dump, guys.
I don't know how you do it.
Oh, I Just want to be
back in London, you know?
The King's Road. Sloane Square.
The parties. The life.
The beautiful people.
I had a lover in London.
Francois.
He dumped me.
I stuck a pin in a map
and I ended up here.
Thought I'd fallen out of love
with the Smoke, but now...
Miss, was... Francois amazing?
Francois...
was the most arousing lover...
that I've ever had.
Proficient, attentive,
enduring,
tender when he needed to be,
but not frightened
of being rough.
Really rough, God damn it!
He took me to Klosters once.
We made love in the snow.
Pounding, furtive,
animalistic lovemaking.
Deeper and deeper, and louder...
and louder, oh!
I'm going to organise
a school skiing trip.
Which literally meant...
I'm going to take you
away from all this.
So what the feck would you
want to go skiing for?
Er... because it's educational?
And what's educational
about slidin' off an alp?
I bet the apres-ski post-piste
piss-up's a giggle, though, Ands.
- Hayley, he's 13.
- It's an outrageous suggestion.
It's not outrageous
at all, God damn it.
Who's that over there?
- Hayley's mate Sheila-Galesha.
She's blind. - Oh.
She's a bit lonely cos her flatmate's
moved out. She's quite shy and retirin'.
This book's shit.
There's no sex in it.
- I'm gonna get off now, Hayley.
- Oh, OK.
Um... I'll, er... I'll...
I'll show you out.
Give over nippin' me, Hayley.
You're like a bloody dog.
It's been lovely
meetin' you all.
You and all, darlin'. Go
easy in them flares, yeah?
That really is the blind
leadin' the blind.
I 'eard that.
How much does this trip cost?
It's a snip at only L418.
Four hundred and... Where does she
think she's teaching? Friggin' Eton?
- What, so you're not going to give it me?
- Got it in one, sunshine.
You gave Ashlene 20 quid when
she went to Alton Towers.
Yeah, well, 20 quid is slightly
different than 400 big ones.
Plus the telly's on the blink.
It's making Melinda
Messenger look epileptic.
- You came unprepared.
- Yes, I did, I...
If we buy a new telly,
we can all benefit from
it. What do we get out
of you going skiing?
I'd let you wear my Jump
suit, if I got one.
You better face facts.
It ain't gonna happen.
This is abuse! I'm
phoning social services.
They'll know who you are, after
where you sent me to nursery.
The orphanage gave you a deeper
understanding of other children's pain.
What about this
child's pain now?
- The other daycare facilities were full
up. - They had a lovely dildo-rail.
- Victorian?
- Quasi.
Then there's only one thing for it. I shall
have to go out and earn the money myself.
Skinflints. O ye of little faith.
This is Blair's Britain.
If Noel Gallagher and Meg can
go to 10 Downing Street,
I think I can earn some money
and get me to Klosters.
But, Simon, you
can't do anything.
Hayley?
I think you might've put her in
the broom cupboard, darling.
Well, she gets on my tits.
Hayley?
For God's sake.
Dynasty is to die for.
I wish I'd have been
older in the '80s.
Padded shoulders are a
godsend to the waist.
It's no good, Kylie.
I'm gonna have to get a Job.
D Goo-gan da goo-goo mm
ba-ba Mm-bee dul-dee-boo
d Mm-dooboo, ba-ba-ba...
- Could you stop? That is really annoying.
- Sure she's only scattin', Hayley.
Call that a scat? This is scat.
D Buh duh zuh-zuh-zuh
zuz-zuh-zuh
d Zah-zah-zaz bluz wazzoo!
D Boodoo dee doo!
Boodoo dee doo!
Oh!
Mum, can I come and be a
glass collector at your pub?
No, you're too young.
Dad.
- Can I come and help you out at work?
- Yes.
D HalleluJahl d
Or to put it another way, no.
By the rhythm of your late-night
flicking, you're not a happy bunny.
Hayley's been all weird with me
since she got this new friend.
- Sheila-Galesha? - Don't trust
people with double-barrel names.
Well, it's great for Hayley to
have a pal who's... like her.
She's not like her.
Hayley's a laugh.
And she may be blind but she
looks out for everyone.
Sheila-Galesha's Just dull.
Then there's this new teacher of Simon's.
He's obsessed with her.
"Miss Prentice this, Miss Prentice
that." What's she got I haven't got?
- By all accounts, she is fabulous.
- I'm fabulous!
At least I thought I was.
I'm losing him, Andy,
I'm losing my baby.
Are you on your blob?
New men. They're not happy unless
they're dragging your cycle into it.
You see, y'are fabulous.
You've got forthright opinions and you hose
people with them at the drop of a hat.
I do not!
I like a nice dwarf, and I won't rest
until I see a midget in parliament.
Cigarettes are life-enhancing.
But Arctic roll is evil.
Aaahh! Aaahh!
Childbirth doesn't hurt unless
you're a naturally whiny person.
OK, so I'm opinionated.
Can we Just drop it?
No, what I mean is
you're a strong woman so
our Simon's comfortable
with strong women,
which is why he's drawn to this...
you know, Miss Prentice bird.
She'd every reason
to be Jealous.
Our love affair with the obJect
of her disaffection was soaring.
I feel so claustrophobic here.
Reading's...
so oppressive, guys.
Oh!
I can barely breathe.
She walks, she talks,
and guess what.
She sings.
D There's gotta be
something better than this
d There's gotta be
something better to do
d And when I find me
something better to do
d I'm gonna get up, I'm gonna get out,
I'm gonna get up, get out and do it
d And when I find me
d Some kind of life I can live
d I'm gonna get up
d I'm gonna get out
d I'm gonna get up, get out
d And live d
Live it!
- What are you doing?
- Er... my mum works here.
So? Come on.
Francois was like...
poetry itself, you know?
Is she here?
A Roman nose.
A furtive eyebrow.
Well, he had two
eyebrows, obviously.
I mean, he wasn't like hideously disfigured
in a student-prank-gone-wrong type thing.
He said...
my tits
were like two upturned...
creme brulées...
without the burnt
bits on the bottom.
You have a look of him.
Oh. Was he black?
Mm, no.
Tell us some more about skiing.
Hayley! Hayley, you stupid bitch,
you're sitting on my ironing.
Oh, I thought it was a cushion.
What are you, blind?
- Sorry.
- Oh.
- And I'm a bitch? I'm a bitch?
- I said bitch in a nice way.
Well, you won't have to worry
about "the bitch" any more
because this bitch
is mo-oo-ovin' out.
Oh, yeah? Where to? Let me guess.
Sheila-Galesha's.
- Got a problem with that?
- I thought she got on your tits.
You get on my tits.
I still moved in.
I can't wait to see how
long you last there.
You'll either die of boredom or burst into
flames from the swish of her loon pants.
Oh, bollocks.
One day, we're going
to move to London.
Yes, and live amongst
the beautiful people.
And do you know what, boys?
I think you will.
I think...
you will.
Of course I know that look now.
It means...
You don't know this yet,
but you're both raging
homosexualists.
- Is Pervy Pete in?
- No.
Shame. I got him a beautiful
Sam Fox tea towel
from Argos. Ooh, she's
a luscious lovely.
Who served them?
Oi! Fag-ash Lil! What d'you
think you're playing at?
Are you talking to me?
No, to Su Pollard. Course
I'm talking to you.
- I don't understand.
- Is that cos you're a little bit thick?
Ooh, you really are quite a
vulgar little piece, aren't you?
Sorry, can someone translate? I
don't speak la-di-da, darling.
Mother! You're showing me up.
Oh...!
I see.
Get your hands off him. What
kind of a woman are you?
And what kind of a
mother are you?
- Think you're hard cos you're a teacher?
- Not really.
You know, I knew I was teaching kids
who'd had a poor start in life,
but I didn't realise they
were from the ghetto.
I ain't ghetto! D'you hear me?
I ain't ghetto!
I ain't Netto! And I ain't... Simon!
What else rhymes with Netto?
- Rigoletto?
- Cornetto.
- Mum, let her go!
- Oh! Oh! Oh! Eeee-eee-eeeh-aaahhh!
Eeeh-aahh! Uh! Ow! Aaaah-hahha!
Aaah!
Oh! Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh!
Ugh! Wha...
Aah! Aaagghh!
Oh! Get off me!
Aaghh-haa-haa-haa!
Aaahhh-haa!
If only there was a nearby
lily pond, then it'd
Just be like Alexis and
Krystal in Dynasty.
- Ooh! - Ow-www!
- And as if by magic...
- Oh!
Come here!
Uh! Aah!
Uh!
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh-ooh-ooh!
Ooh-ooh-ooh!
Uh! Grraah!
Ah! Oh!
Uh! Aahhh!
Ugh!
Uhhh!
Oh!
Fabulous.
Simon, 13-year-old boys
are not allowed in pubs.
What if the filth had come in?
I don't know what filth means.
I'm not vulgar.
The pub'd lose its licence, I'd
lose my Job, we'd all starve.
Mum? Where's all Aunt
Hayley's stuff gone?
- She moved out.
- What?
You're quite happy for me to sink a skinful
in here. Ergo, you're a hypocrite.
Drop it, Simon. There's hardly any alcohol
in your father's potato and Vimto wine.
- She moved out?
- We're not Joined at the hip.
You're Just Jealous because Miss
Prentice is something you'll never be.
- Pert-bottomed?
- Mild-mannered?
- Nice?
- Bohemian!
You are looking for a smack,
Simon Doonan, do you hear me?
The whole of Reading
can hear you!
Of course, all good love
affairs must come to an end.
Francois...
is begging me to take him back.
I miss his touch,
his smell,
first thing in the morning,
like burnt oranges in
the California sun.
But... what about
the skiing trip?
I raised 60 quid towards it.
Here's my address.
Write.
I'll tell my mum
not to report you.
Oh, boys.
I've been to Nice,
and the isle of Greece,
and I've shipped
champagne on a yacht.
I've moved like Harlow
in Monte Carlo
and I've showed 'em
what I've got.
I've been undressed by kings,
and I've seen some things
that a woman
ain't supposed to see.
I've been to Reading,
but I've never...
been to me.
Au revoir!
D I've been to paradise...
Au revoir.
D Never been to me
d I've been to Georgia
and California... d
London's calling, girlfriend.
We're getting the
new telly tomorrow.
It's got a really massive screen. It'll
be like sitting in the pictures.
Can you leave me alone, please?
This is my bedroom.
My private space.
And what paid for your Poppy
Pocket duvet set, Simon?
- Polly Pocket.
- Plumbing and barmaiderie.
Don't be a snob on us.
D Too many cars, men in
bars and broken hearts
d Riding a bus that
takes them nowhere
d Too many houses, narrow
streets and narrow minds
d And this little town
d Has done for me
d I can live behind a smile
but I'll never breathe
d I can make the best of
life but I'll never leave
d For the sanctity of soul
d I'd better run away
d Hey...
- What are you doing, girlfriend?
- I know what we'll do with your money.
We were finally going to move
amongst the beautiful people.
Shepherd's Bush.
It sounds so beautiful.
That's where they
film Blue Peter.
My God. It must be
really beautiful.
Only the beautiful people must live there.
And Anthea Turner.
I wonder what
Francois looks like.
Oh, my God. I bet he looks like
Jason Orange or something.
Simon?
Simon?
Do you want some breakfast?
Simon?
Suit yourself, then.
A therapist might say my running
away was a cry for help.
It's Just a shame nobody
seemed to hear it.
D I can make the best of life
d But I'll never leave
d For the sanctity of soul
d I'd better run away...
And a keen observer might say
if Aunty Hayley had moved out
why had she left her
hideous paintings?
Hayley?
She might have been blind,
but she sure had taste.
- Thought I, er... might move back in.
- If it's what you want.
- Don't want your pity.
- You won't get it.
I did.
When you first came in the pub, I thought,
"Ah, poor blind bird in the corner."
But then when you opened your
mouth, you were talking gibberish,
you were on six E's, a gram of speed,
teetering on the edge of a K-hole,
but I could see underneath
it all you were brilliant.
It is hard being this perfect.
What happened with
Sheila-Galesha?
Well, you were
right, she is dull.
- And, um... quite windy.
- Right.
- Front and back.
- I very rarely do that.
Except when you took
me to Yogalates.
Yeah, but one swallow
don't make a summer.
And speaking of summer,
Kylie and I discovered the sun always
shines on Shepherd's Bush Green.
Well, except when it's raining,
I suppose, or... or snowing.
- Wake up. Come on, wake up.
- Oh!
Simon, come and watch
the new telly with us!
- Have you seen him this morning?
- He's in a funny mood.
He could be laying dead in bed.
Fingers crossed.
- Don't be horrible, Ashlene.
- Yeah, Ashlene, you is well out of order.
Da-nah!
- Hey!
- Yay!
- Simon! Come on down!
- Simon!
Leave him, he'll be down in a minute.
He loves
Live & Kicking. I think
he fancies Zoë Ball.
Can you blame him? She
is a dirty great ride.
Grab your phones and
press these numbers...
d There's a place for us
d Somewhere
d A place for us
d Peace and quiet
d And open air
d Wait for us
d Somewhere
d There's a place for us
d A time and place for us
d Hold my hand
d And we're halfway there
d Hold my hand
d And I'll take you there...
And we also discovered that first
impressions can be deceptive.
This can't be right.
What?
Er... is Miss Prentice in?
- What, you mean Maureen?
- Who is it, Francois?
You're Francois?
- What the bloody 'ell are you doing here?
- We've run away.
- Thought we could move in with you.
- What? Are you completely mad?
Our parents don't understand us.
Who the hell are these
two nancy boys, Maureen?
Keep away from me and
never come here again.
Go on!
D Hold my hand
d And I'll take you there
d Somehow
d Some day
d Somewhere d
Come on, girlfriend,
all is not lost.
Well, that went well. We'll
sort it out later...
- I feel sick.
- Oh, d'you want some Rescue Remedy?
I have it for whenever
I hear steps.
- The group?
- Behind me.
D'you want to know what
we do on Friday night?
- Zoë Ball looks like a bloke.
- All I said was...
- All you said was you thought she was fit.
- Exactly.
Have you got no consideration
for your poor wife's feelings?
Just cos I get a book out of the library
doesn't mean I'm gonna shag it.
What if I started rubbing myself up
the screen when Andi Peters came on?
You're rubbing yourself
up the wrong tree.
D We're gonna rock this Joint
until the morning light
d Crowd is Jumping,
hey, it feels all right
- Simon?
- D Forget Monday, Tuesday
d Wednesday, Thursday,
hey, it's Friday night
- dJust another day...
- Simon?
D Sitting watching the clock...
- What?
- Hayley, pass me the phone.
- Simon's on the telly.
- What?
He's a good ol' mover.
D Pushin' Monday
through to Friday...
Police, please.
Don't you ever do
that to me again.
London's skanky.
I thought it was where
I wanted to end up,
but...
now I've got no dream.
London's a big place, Simon.
You've Just been
to the wrong part.
Before I met your dad, I lived with
this gorgeous bloke called Jamie.
Oh, he was a scream, Jamie,
funny, snappy dresser,
and what he didn't know about Liza
Minnelli was nobody's business.
He used to say that every night
he dreamt he went on his roof
and he Jumped off, and he danced
across the roof tops of London.
And he said one day
he was gonna do it,
cos he said you should never
give up on your dreams.
He gave me this.
I want you to have it.
You never give up
on your dreams.
Did he ever do it?
He got ill,
and... and he died.
And I didn't know him for
long, but he touched my life.
I still get the occasional tea
cosy from his friend Philip.
- Tea cosy?
- Oh, he's mad, darling.
Am I like Jamie?
No.
And it was in that
moment I realised...
my mother was in denial.
I love you.
As was I...
wanting to find the
beautiful people,
when maybe they were closer
to home than I thought.
D We're gonna get there
d Oh, we're gonna get there
d And we'll see beautiful smiles
d From the beautiful people
d We're gonna get there
d Oh, we're gonna get there
- d And we'll have beautiful lives...
- It's gonna be all right.
D With the beautiful people
d I'm sick of them staring
d Looking me up and down
d Oh-oh, in this old town
d Well, it's only cos they
ain't got nothing else to do
d And maybe when you go
and find somewhere new
d Oh-oh, they'll miss you now
d They'll miss you now
d Oh-oh
d Oh-oh, this old town
d We're gonna get there
d We're gonna get there
d And we'll see beautiful smiles
from the beautiful people
d We're gonna get there
d We're gonna get there
d And we'll have beautiful lives
with the beautiful people
d Don't let them go
d Don't let them go
d Your dreams may be foolish... d
ENJOY! Do not miss
this tomorrow!