Beautiful People (2008–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - How I Got My Tongs - full transcript
Simon relates the story of a pair of golden curling tongs in his possession that once belonged to Tameka, his mother's hairdresser, who won them in a styling contest and claims that only death will part her from them. After a row with Kylie following a hair dying job that went wrong, Simon spends time at the salon but when an annoyed Tameka tells him to go away he replies, "Drop dead." In fact she does and he feels guilty but, after he and Kylie are reunited in grief following Princess Diana's death, he returns to the salon where Tameka's body is lying in state, clutching the tongs. For years he believed he had got the tongs from her until Kylie admits he swapped them with a pair belonging to Reba.
ENJOY! Do not miss
this tomorrow!
D Ah-ah
d Don't let them go,
don't let them go
d Take a beautiful
dream and let it show
d Don't let them go,
don't let them go
d Take a beautiful dream
d And let it grow,
grow, grow, grow, grow
d Na-na-na-na-na-na,
na, na-na-na
d Let it grow, grow,
grow, grow, grow d
Fashion inJuries have no respect for age or
gender. They can hit anyone at any time.
Ow.
What did the doctor say it was?
Suspected bicep tendonitis.
Ho-ho-ho-ho! From carrying this
season's must-have Goyard man bag?
Not quite as life-threatening as
Isadora Duncan's silk scarf moment,
but more embarrassing, because, unlike
her, I've stayed alive to claim my shame.
My God, I want those tongs.
Hands off.
They're vintage.
I wasn't always a quirky window
dresser in downtown New York.
I was a quirky kid
in downtown Reading.
They're amazing.
And when I was 13, I
decided to stop speaking.
Can you do that again
with subtitles?
It's the way they
glisten in the light.
- Ooh.
- How many times a woman need to say it?
Don't covet my tongs. I
won those tongs in a
Black Hair & Beauty show,
freestyle section.
They will never be yours.
I take them to my grave.
- Do I make myself clear?
- God!
Huh!
Her new do is Just
so now, girlfriend.
The reason I stopped speaking was
because I convinced myself I'd got...
Gonorrhoea.
- What?
- What?
- What?
- What?
- There's an echo.
- Gonorrhoea.
- We're eating custard.
- I thought you were being serious.
- I am.
- You wish.
You're gonna have to
get Mummy to the vet.
- She's unnaturally rotund.
- Shut up. She's Just big-boned.
Anyway, what is all this about gonorrhoea,
Simon? Have you ever had sex?
- Simon?
- No.
His voice Just broke.
Then it's unlikely you've
concocted a sexually
transmitted disease. If
it was her saying it...
- Debbie.
- Thanks.
I blame our form tutor
Miss Dunderdale.
You put the lotion on
your pubic thatch.
But be careful, the lotion is Day-Glo
blue and it marks your fingers.
So if you ever see someone
with blue fingers,
it is more than likely that they
have an infestation of crabs.
Simon, what did I Just say?
- If you get crabs, your fingers go blue?
- Have a house point.
Now, gonorrhea.
Never mind gonorrhea. I had paranoia.
It's a lot worse.
D My boot-scootin' baby
is driving me crazy
d My obsession for a western,
my dance-floor date...
Bollocks!
Oi, woofter! What
you lookin' at?
Eh?
Aaaaghhh! Miss! Miss!
You have, you've got crabs.
Maybe some of them got into my
mouth and made me contract.
Miss Dunderdale likes the
sound of her own voice.
Any relation?
And not everything
she says is true.
He said, "Libby..." That's my
Christian name. "Libby..."
No offence, Mohammed.
"You've got your
finger on the pulse.
"Would you like to open
a record shop with me?"
I said, "No, teaching's
my vocation."
And what was that man's name?
Richard Branson.
I said, "I'd love to
organise the security for
the wedding of the
century, thank you, ma'am.
"Now, stop throwing up and try some of
this lovely Death By Chocolate, hm?"
And what was the name
of that retching royal?
Lady Princess Diana.
But, hey, fear of germs is
nothing compared to the big D.
- What did the vet say?
- He recommended an apples-only diet.
If Mummy doesn't lose weight
soon, she's gonna die.
Simon, everyone dies
eventually, even you.
He was the best
brother in the world.
I was only vile to him cos
of sibling rivalry and shit!
I know I beat him up and that,
but it was only 'cause I couldn't
bring myself to tell him
how much I idolised his
innate sense of style.
Oh, you ain't gonna
die, girlfriend.
I am, unless I get myself
cryogenically suspended.
But we're gonna move to London,
and who will we live amongst?
The beautiful people.
Now, is it time for
this to come off yet?
D Now you're realisin' when
the nights go long, right?
D Campaign for me stay when you
know that I'm gone, right?
D You act all wild when
I tell you to settle
d I was workin' round the clock
but your girls wanna meddle
d Talkin' about, "I heard he swims
with this chick on the beach"...
So, do I look like
a disco Diana?
D... hangin' up and posin', now
why you wanna go and do that?
Well?
D Why you wanna go and do
that, and do that, huh?
D Why you wanna go and do that?
D Why you wanna go and
do that, and do that? d
Makin' my son look like
a batty boy, batty boy!
- Get out, you great wet nelly!
- But he wanted to look like...
I don't care what he wanted to look like!
Get out! Stay out!
And don't come back!
Thin dog, slender hips.
Thin dog, slender hips.
Thin dog...
Has someone let off?
- Oh!
- Ah, Jesus.
Hayley, if you're gonna feed it apples 24
hours a day, at least clean up after it.
Shush, Debbie, be quiet.
I'm in the zone.
And I'm in the shit, literally. Simon,
get me a wet wipe and sponge that up.
- Thin dog, slender hips. Thin dog...
- What is she doing?
Visualising. She's been touching
up self-help books all day.
Visualisation's about the
power of thought. You
think something hard
enough and it happens.
I'm trying to think Mummy thin.
Could you try visualising
Mummy with constipation?
Could you try visualising me
being the sixth member of Steps?
How many apples has that thing eaten?
I bought 30 yesterday.
Yeah, she's got a
real taste for them.
That dog's weird.
She keeps hiding my Female
Eunuch in the veg carousel.
No, that's me. You know I think
Germaine messes with your head.
What rattled you? You've got a
face longer than Céline Dion.
- She's on her blob, innit?
- Ashlene.
I Just walked past them
builders on the parade.
The ones making the
new tanning salon.
Now Is The Winter Of Our
Discount Tans, yeah?
- And I got wolf-whistled.
- Yeah, right.
I'd be hanging out the flags,
they ever leered at me.
- I know what it is.
- Your propensity to sport miniskirts?
- Simon.
- You're a foxy chick, Debs.
It's only natural the
fellas get aroused.
- Fair play to them.
- Dad, you're sick.
It's this hairdo. It's too tarty. I'm
gonna have to book a session with Tameka.
You boycotted Tameka after Hayley heard her
describe you as tarty at Shape'N'Tone.
She called you a
dirty old slag bag.
But she only called me
that cos she heard I'd
gone to Perm Suspect
on the high street.
I don't trust 'em at Shape'N'Tone. Always
get a waft of kebab when I'm squatting.
I've tried every
hairdressers in Reading, and
she's the only one who
don't make me brassy.
D'you want me to visualise
you looking tasteful?
I'm gonna have to call her.
Aunty Hayley, in order
to visualise, don't you
have to be able to see
in the first place?
- Simon, don't be rude.
- I have a vivid imagination.
Simon, go and play out. You
don't get enough oxygen.
- I can't.
- Why not?
Kylie doesn't want to
be my friend any more.
Go and play with one
of your other friends.
He hasn't got any.
- Well, then, go and play with yourself.
- Mother!
I said, "Girls, don't come
trick-or-treating at my door,
"go away and do something
constructive with your lives."
So they did. And what
were their names?
The Spice Girls.
D It's time to begin, now
count it in, 5, 6, 7, 8...
Whenever I want to mend
a broken relationship,
I try and reach out to that person
through the medium of dance.
D My rodeo Romeo, a cowboy
god from head to toe
d Wanna make you mine, better
get in line, 5, 6, 7, 8...
It can have amazing results...
- d My boot scootin' baby... as
long as no one else interferes.
D My obsession from a
western, my dance-floor date
d My rodeo Romeo, a cowboy
god from head to toe
d Wanna make you mine, better
get in line, 5, 6, 7, 8...
Want me to teach you a
Steps dance routine?
Steps is racist.
"Are racist", and they're not.
- They're all white.
- I thought you hated them.
If you haven't got any
mates, go out and make
some new ones. You're
doin' my nut in, guy.
All right, I will.
Because, don't forget,
in 1997 it was never
hard to find some fellow
Steps enthusiasts.
D It's time to begin, now
count it in, 5, 6, 7, 8
It's great getting new
friends, cos you can
reinvent yourself as a
cool and trendy dude.
D My dance-floor date, my rodeo Romeo,
a cowboy god from head to toe...
Go and listen to your crap music somewhere
else! You're giving me a migraine!
Drop dead, Tameka.
Come on, Mummy.
Oh, she's rank, guy. The size of her.
If I was that big, I'd never go out.
She won't go on, Aunty Hayley.
Shall I get Dad?
Nah, coax her with a
Golden Delicious.
Come on, catch!
Oops.
Right.
Come on, Mummy, on the scales.
Who's a good girl?
- What's she supposed to weigh?
- 70 pounds. Why, how much does she weigh?
A hundred and ten.
I'm going out with the
girls from work tonight.
That new Irish theme pub, the
Impressive Crack. You been?
Tameka, I'm so sorry I went off
and tried other hairdressers.
It was foolish of me and I won't
ever do it again, I promise.
Look, I know you called me
some names at Shape'N'Tone.
It was Bums & Tums.
And threw a brick at
me in the street.
And put up false prostitute cards in
phone boxes with my number on it, but...
I was hurting, Debbie. Does a
faithful dog expect to be kicked?
Look, I may come across as
if I have a heart of stone,
but cut me and I bleed,
Debbie Doonan, I bleed.
I know. If it's any
consolation, I feel awful.
You look awful.
- I don't look that bad.
- You do.
Right. Well, you better
work your wonders, then.
I think I better had.
Are we friends again?
Oh, Debs!
Here, you've missed some serious
gossip while you've been away.
Have I? I knew it.
Now, why don't I get us
a nice glass of rum,
and I will tell you all about Candy Lam
and her one-fingered gynaecologist.
D Goldfinger! d
Mm-mm-mm!
Visualisation is all
complete and utter bollocks.
Say it out loud and it happens?
Codswallop.
Picture it and it's there?
Don't make me laugh.
And what good are apples gonna do, eh?
She eats about 80 a day.
Today she started licking
a traffic warden
Just cos she was wearing
apple-blossom scent.
The traffic warden didn't mind. She
herself exhibits a very frisky chow.
What are you doing?
Throwing away all my
Power Of Thought And
Visualisation books.
They're a waste of money.
Aunty Hayley, they're
my school books.
- These are your visualisation books here.
- Oh.
- Why didn't you stop her?
- Sorry.
Oh, they've got food
all over them now.
Everyone at school's
gonna call me a pikey.
Makes a change from
effeminate woofter.
He's not effeminate.
Helen Keller could tell
he was effeminate.
- He's Just autistic.
- I'm artistic.
Oh, yeah, I always get
those two mixed up.
D Doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo!
Waterloo!
D I was defeated!
You won the war! d
I love songs about history.
Here.
D Ra-ra, Rasputin! d
- You all right, love?
- Yeah. Oh! Oh, my!
Oh! Here, you'll never guess what
your Simon said to me the other day.
What?
He was outside the
shop dancing to Steps.
- He loves them Steps.
- Mm.
I'd like to line them up and
shoot them, personally.
He was outside and then he...
Ow!
Oh, bollocks.
Mum and Aunty Hayley were really
into competitive mourning.
Hayley, you didn't
even know her.
Oh, that's true.
Mum, what's happened
to your hair?
Haven't you heard? Tameka keeled
over halfway through her bob.
- Is she all right?
- Yeah, if you believe in life after death.
Drop dead, Tameka!
Oh, my...
So Aunty Hayley was wrong.
Visualising did work.
I'd told Tameka to drop
dead, and she did.
I'd ended a life.
I'd ended my
friendship with Kylie.
And I'd ended my mum's reputation as
the most stylish woman in Reading.
How ever would I
recover from this?
- Are you awake?
- You smell of apples.
Apple daiquiri. I had to
fight Mummy off in the hall.
Before she died,
Tameka said she'd seen you.
She was about to tell me what you said
to her, only she never got it out.
I know what you told her.
You told her I thought she was
the bee's knees, didn't you?
You're a good boy, Simon.
I love you.
Why?
I love you no matter what, Simon.
That's what mums do.
Even if I'd murdered someone?
Even if you'd garrotted them
and chopped them up into little
bits and fed them to piranhas.
And then killed the piranhas,
and force-fed the killer fish
to me, making my face go green,
causing it to turn 360
degrees ŕ la Exorcist
shouting "Choke, bitch, choke,
you twisted psycho mother, you!"
Oh, sweet dreams.
Still, if a mother's love is unconditional,
maybe things were finally looking up.
Who's my handsome boy, eh?
Stick telly on, Simon.
Fat chance.
This is BBC Television
from London.
Diana Princess of Wales has died
after a car crash in Paris.
She was taken to a hospital in
the city early this morning.
Surgeons spent two hours
trying to save her life,
but she died at four o'clock
from severe chest inJuries.
D If ever you need
me, say my name
d I will deliver
d If your cloud is
lookin' dark, call me up
d I'll bring you silver
d And I don't know if
you've felt this before
d But there are times
that I go to the wall
d So sometimes I need you
d Just to call my name
in a quiet hour...
I thought maybe...
Kylie'd want to mourn the passing
of the Queen of Hearts with me.
He's too distraught.
I had to sedate him
with some Night Nurse.
Please.
Move on, Simon, eh? Move on.
D Sometimes I need you
d Let me know the truth
d When "sorry" Just won't do
d Sometimes I need you...
- My Uncle Terry died in a car crash.
- The one with the eye?
The other one, driving back from
IKEA, bunny-hopped off the Westway,
and buried himself under a flat-pack
armoire-come-drinks cabinet.
- That's terrible.
- I know.
We tried assembling it at the wake but
three of the screws were missing.
I'm worried about Simon.
He's gone all morbid.
Christ. He'll be listening
to Morrissey next.
He needs to get over
this death thing.
- You've got me here under false pretences!
- She won't bite.
We were going shopping
for a Tamagotchi.
Simon, you have got to stop
being freaked out by death.
But...
One day, you'll see me
or Dad in a coffin,
and I don't want that to be your
first experience of a corpse.
Oh, she looks happy.
Mind you, she went to Clacton last week.
Did her the world of good.
See. It's not scary, is it?
Now, I bet you think I'm
going to steal those tongs.
How else would they end
up in my possession?
Think again.
- I killed her.
- Simon.
- But I did.
- Stop showing off.
I told her to drop dead,
and she did.
Ha-ha-ha!
- So that's what you said to her.
- It's not funny.
- Well, she thought it was.
- Eh?
Oh, Simon, she had a
hole in the heart and a
liver the size of Guatemala
from all that rum.
Touch her. Dare you.
- Why?
- See what she feels like.
- You touch her.
- I've touched loads of corpses.
- And why would I want to touch her?
- Cos if it was me, you'd want to touch me.
- But it's not you.
- And the sensation might upset you.
But this way, you'll
know what it's like.
I'll buy you the Tamagotchi.
No, not there, not
between her legs.
D Waterlool I was defeatedl
You won the warl
Ha-ha-ha!
This is Tameka. Leave a
message after the tone.
Mum.
She always had to get the
last word, that one.
- All right, Debbie?
- You all right, Reba?
Slut.
All right, Kylie?
Simon.
I thought one more stab at winning
Kylie back mightn't go amiss.
D Don't cry out loud
d Just keep it inside and
learn how to hide your...
Yo, what's happenin', bro?
D... loud...
So I reached out to him via
the medium of not only dance
but a winning key change.
It worked.
D Don't cry out loud
d Just keep it inside
d And learn how to
hide your feelings
d Fly high and proud
d And if you should fall
d Remember you almost made it
d Don't cry out loud
d Just keep it inside
d And learn how to
hide your feelings...
The hearse is now
still coming up the
Finchley Road, passing
World Of Leather...
d My shoulder is your rest
when things get too bad...
strewn with flowers
and sometimes even threatening the
driver's ability to see where he's going,
as so many flowers have been
hurled towards the hearse
as it starts its
long, solemn drive
to Althorp.
What's happening now?
People are throwing flowers at the hearse
on its long, solemn drive to Althorp.
- Where's that?
- Near Northampton.
Oh, well, they'll be going
through Reading, then.
Will they?
Yeah, they'll go past
the maternity hospital.
She opened that KFC
concession in it.
Really?
Yeah, I went there with
the Blind Bingo lot.
She...
felt my face.
Gave me a start. Wish
she'd warned me.
But is Reading on the way
to Northampton, really?
- Yes.
- You're Joking.
I got A in geography
O level, didn't I?
To go from London, you go
London, Reading, Northampton.
D Na-na-na na-na na-na...
Oh, shit, I meant Southampton.
Too late now.
Still, they can get a
nice bargain bucket.
D Na-na-na na-na na-na
d Na-na-na na-na na-na
d Na-na-na na-na na-na...
Here she comes!
We love you, Diana!
Forever!
Vandalising twats!
Leg it!
Ladies and gentlemen,
today we are Joined by
some very special guests.
Some of Tameka's friends
and family in Jamaica.
Can you hear me, Winston?
Er... yes, Father.
Er... Irie?
Irie!
D R-E-S-P-E-C-T
d Find out what it means to me
d R-E-S-P-E-C-T
d Take care, T-C-B
d Sock it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it to me
d Sock it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it to me
d Sock it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it to me
d Sock it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it to me
- d Respect! d -
She did love Brazil nut!
She loved...
water melon!
What's in this one? Yo-ho-ho
and a bottle of rum?
And she loved...
apples!
Mummy.
No! Mummy!
Mummy!
So if you didn't steal those tongs
from Tameka's coffin, who did?
I swapped 'em with me mum's BaByliss
ceramic hair straighteners, girlfriend.
- Oh.
- As swaps go, that's a way cool.
That's you done and
dusted, my treasure. Now
get in that window and
make Mama look good.
Oh...!
The hair can look good.
The hair can look great.
But as I said at the start, fashion
inJuries can beset anyone at any time.
Even the beautiful people can
experience a bronzed, bare-legged...
- Whoa! ...fashionista fall.
D Don't go changing every time
Oh, my arm!
Hey!
- Ow!
- Ow!
Go, girlfriend.
D Ah-ah
d Don't let them go,
don't let them go
d Take a beautiful
dream and let it show
d Don't let them go,
don't let them go
d Take a beautiful dream and let
it grow, grow, grow, grow, grow
d Na-na-na-na-na-na,
na, na-na-na... d
ENJOY! Do not miss
this tomorrow!
this tomorrow!
D Ah-ah
d Don't let them go,
don't let them go
d Take a beautiful
dream and let it show
d Don't let them go,
don't let them go
d Take a beautiful dream
d And let it grow,
grow, grow, grow, grow
d Na-na-na-na-na-na,
na, na-na-na
d Let it grow, grow,
grow, grow, grow d
Fashion inJuries have no respect for age or
gender. They can hit anyone at any time.
Ow.
What did the doctor say it was?
Suspected bicep tendonitis.
Ho-ho-ho-ho! From carrying this
season's must-have Goyard man bag?
Not quite as life-threatening as
Isadora Duncan's silk scarf moment,
but more embarrassing, because, unlike
her, I've stayed alive to claim my shame.
My God, I want those tongs.
Hands off.
They're vintage.
I wasn't always a quirky window
dresser in downtown New York.
I was a quirky kid
in downtown Reading.
They're amazing.
And when I was 13, I
decided to stop speaking.
Can you do that again
with subtitles?
It's the way they
glisten in the light.
- Ooh.
- How many times a woman need to say it?
Don't covet my tongs. I
won those tongs in a
Black Hair & Beauty show,
freestyle section.
They will never be yours.
I take them to my grave.
- Do I make myself clear?
- God!
Huh!
Her new do is Just
so now, girlfriend.
The reason I stopped speaking was
because I convinced myself I'd got...
Gonorrhoea.
- What?
- What?
- What?
- What?
- There's an echo.
- Gonorrhoea.
- We're eating custard.
- I thought you were being serious.
- I am.
- You wish.
You're gonna have to
get Mummy to the vet.
- She's unnaturally rotund.
- Shut up. She's Just big-boned.
Anyway, what is all this about gonorrhoea,
Simon? Have you ever had sex?
- Simon?
- No.
His voice Just broke.
Then it's unlikely you've
concocted a sexually
transmitted disease. If
it was her saying it...
- Debbie.
- Thanks.
I blame our form tutor
Miss Dunderdale.
You put the lotion on
your pubic thatch.
But be careful, the lotion is Day-Glo
blue and it marks your fingers.
So if you ever see someone
with blue fingers,
it is more than likely that they
have an infestation of crabs.
Simon, what did I Just say?
- If you get crabs, your fingers go blue?
- Have a house point.
Now, gonorrhea.
Never mind gonorrhea. I had paranoia.
It's a lot worse.
D My boot-scootin' baby
is driving me crazy
d My obsession for a western,
my dance-floor date...
Bollocks!
Oi, woofter! What
you lookin' at?
Eh?
Aaaaghhh! Miss! Miss!
You have, you've got crabs.
Maybe some of them got into my
mouth and made me contract.
Miss Dunderdale likes the
sound of her own voice.
Any relation?
And not everything
she says is true.
He said, "Libby..." That's my
Christian name. "Libby..."
No offence, Mohammed.
"You've got your
finger on the pulse.
"Would you like to open
a record shop with me?"
I said, "No, teaching's
my vocation."
And what was that man's name?
Richard Branson.
I said, "I'd love to
organise the security for
the wedding of the
century, thank you, ma'am.
"Now, stop throwing up and try some of
this lovely Death By Chocolate, hm?"
And what was the name
of that retching royal?
Lady Princess Diana.
But, hey, fear of germs is
nothing compared to the big D.
- What did the vet say?
- He recommended an apples-only diet.
If Mummy doesn't lose weight
soon, she's gonna die.
Simon, everyone dies
eventually, even you.
He was the best
brother in the world.
I was only vile to him cos
of sibling rivalry and shit!
I know I beat him up and that,
but it was only 'cause I couldn't
bring myself to tell him
how much I idolised his
innate sense of style.
Oh, you ain't gonna
die, girlfriend.
I am, unless I get myself
cryogenically suspended.
But we're gonna move to London,
and who will we live amongst?
The beautiful people.
Now, is it time for
this to come off yet?
D Now you're realisin' when
the nights go long, right?
D Campaign for me stay when you
know that I'm gone, right?
D You act all wild when
I tell you to settle
d I was workin' round the clock
but your girls wanna meddle
d Talkin' about, "I heard he swims
with this chick on the beach"...
So, do I look like
a disco Diana?
D... hangin' up and posin', now
why you wanna go and do that?
Well?
D Why you wanna go and do
that, and do that, huh?
D Why you wanna go and do that?
D Why you wanna go and
do that, and do that? d
Makin' my son look like
a batty boy, batty boy!
- Get out, you great wet nelly!
- But he wanted to look like...
I don't care what he wanted to look like!
Get out! Stay out!
And don't come back!
Thin dog, slender hips.
Thin dog, slender hips.
Thin dog...
Has someone let off?
- Oh!
- Ah, Jesus.
Hayley, if you're gonna feed it apples 24
hours a day, at least clean up after it.
Shush, Debbie, be quiet.
I'm in the zone.
And I'm in the shit, literally. Simon,
get me a wet wipe and sponge that up.
- Thin dog, slender hips. Thin dog...
- What is she doing?
Visualising. She's been touching
up self-help books all day.
Visualisation's about the
power of thought. You
think something hard
enough and it happens.
I'm trying to think Mummy thin.
Could you try visualising
Mummy with constipation?
Could you try visualising me
being the sixth member of Steps?
How many apples has that thing eaten?
I bought 30 yesterday.
Yeah, she's got a
real taste for them.
That dog's weird.
She keeps hiding my Female
Eunuch in the veg carousel.
No, that's me. You know I think
Germaine messes with your head.
What rattled you? You've got a
face longer than Céline Dion.
- She's on her blob, innit?
- Ashlene.
I Just walked past them
builders on the parade.
The ones making the
new tanning salon.
Now Is The Winter Of Our
Discount Tans, yeah?
- And I got wolf-whistled.
- Yeah, right.
I'd be hanging out the flags,
they ever leered at me.
- I know what it is.
- Your propensity to sport miniskirts?
- Simon.
- You're a foxy chick, Debs.
It's only natural the
fellas get aroused.
- Fair play to them.
- Dad, you're sick.
It's this hairdo. It's too tarty. I'm
gonna have to book a session with Tameka.
You boycotted Tameka after Hayley heard her
describe you as tarty at Shape'N'Tone.
She called you a
dirty old slag bag.
But she only called me
that cos she heard I'd
gone to Perm Suspect
on the high street.
I don't trust 'em at Shape'N'Tone. Always
get a waft of kebab when I'm squatting.
I've tried every
hairdressers in Reading, and
she's the only one who
don't make me brassy.
D'you want me to visualise
you looking tasteful?
I'm gonna have to call her.
Aunty Hayley, in order
to visualise, don't you
have to be able to see
in the first place?
- Simon, don't be rude.
- I have a vivid imagination.
Simon, go and play out. You
don't get enough oxygen.
- I can't.
- Why not?
Kylie doesn't want to
be my friend any more.
Go and play with one
of your other friends.
He hasn't got any.
- Well, then, go and play with yourself.
- Mother!
I said, "Girls, don't come
trick-or-treating at my door,
"go away and do something
constructive with your lives."
So they did. And what
were their names?
The Spice Girls.
D It's time to begin, now
count it in, 5, 6, 7, 8...
Whenever I want to mend
a broken relationship,
I try and reach out to that person
through the medium of dance.
D My rodeo Romeo, a cowboy
god from head to toe
d Wanna make you mine, better
get in line, 5, 6, 7, 8...
It can have amazing results...
- d My boot scootin' baby... as
long as no one else interferes.
D My obsession from a
western, my dance-floor date
d My rodeo Romeo, a cowboy
god from head to toe
d Wanna make you mine, better
get in line, 5, 6, 7, 8...
Want me to teach you a
Steps dance routine?
Steps is racist.
"Are racist", and they're not.
- They're all white.
- I thought you hated them.
If you haven't got any
mates, go out and make
some new ones. You're
doin' my nut in, guy.
All right, I will.
Because, don't forget,
in 1997 it was never
hard to find some fellow
Steps enthusiasts.
D It's time to begin, now
count it in, 5, 6, 7, 8
It's great getting new
friends, cos you can
reinvent yourself as a
cool and trendy dude.
D My dance-floor date, my rodeo Romeo,
a cowboy god from head to toe...
Go and listen to your crap music somewhere
else! You're giving me a migraine!
Drop dead, Tameka.
Come on, Mummy.
Oh, she's rank, guy. The size of her.
If I was that big, I'd never go out.
She won't go on, Aunty Hayley.
Shall I get Dad?
Nah, coax her with a
Golden Delicious.
Come on, catch!
Oops.
Right.
Come on, Mummy, on the scales.
Who's a good girl?
- What's she supposed to weigh?
- 70 pounds. Why, how much does she weigh?
A hundred and ten.
I'm going out with the
girls from work tonight.
That new Irish theme pub, the
Impressive Crack. You been?
Tameka, I'm so sorry I went off
and tried other hairdressers.
It was foolish of me and I won't
ever do it again, I promise.
Look, I know you called me
some names at Shape'N'Tone.
It was Bums & Tums.
And threw a brick at
me in the street.
And put up false prostitute cards in
phone boxes with my number on it, but...
I was hurting, Debbie. Does a
faithful dog expect to be kicked?
Look, I may come across as
if I have a heart of stone,
but cut me and I bleed,
Debbie Doonan, I bleed.
I know. If it's any
consolation, I feel awful.
You look awful.
- I don't look that bad.
- You do.
Right. Well, you better
work your wonders, then.
I think I better had.
Are we friends again?
Oh, Debs!
Here, you've missed some serious
gossip while you've been away.
Have I? I knew it.
Now, why don't I get us
a nice glass of rum,
and I will tell you all about Candy Lam
and her one-fingered gynaecologist.
D Goldfinger! d
Mm-mm-mm!
Visualisation is all
complete and utter bollocks.
Say it out loud and it happens?
Codswallop.
Picture it and it's there?
Don't make me laugh.
And what good are apples gonna do, eh?
She eats about 80 a day.
Today she started licking
a traffic warden
Just cos she was wearing
apple-blossom scent.
The traffic warden didn't mind. She
herself exhibits a very frisky chow.
What are you doing?
Throwing away all my
Power Of Thought And
Visualisation books.
They're a waste of money.
Aunty Hayley, they're
my school books.
- These are your visualisation books here.
- Oh.
- Why didn't you stop her?
- Sorry.
Oh, they've got food
all over them now.
Everyone at school's
gonna call me a pikey.
Makes a change from
effeminate woofter.
He's not effeminate.
Helen Keller could tell
he was effeminate.
- He's Just autistic.
- I'm artistic.
Oh, yeah, I always get
those two mixed up.
D Doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo!
Waterloo!
D I was defeated!
You won the war! d
I love songs about history.
Here.
D Ra-ra, Rasputin! d
- You all right, love?
- Yeah. Oh! Oh, my!
Oh! Here, you'll never guess what
your Simon said to me the other day.
What?
He was outside the
shop dancing to Steps.
- He loves them Steps.
- Mm.
I'd like to line them up and
shoot them, personally.
He was outside and then he...
Ow!
Oh, bollocks.
Mum and Aunty Hayley were really
into competitive mourning.
Hayley, you didn't
even know her.
Oh, that's true.
Mum, what's happened
to your hair?
Haven't you heard? Tameka keeled
over halfway through her bob.
- Is she all right?
- Yeah, if you believe in life after death.
Drop dead, Tameka!
Oh, my...
So Aunty Hayley was wrong.
Visualising did work.
I'd told Tameka to drop
dead, and she did.
I'd ended a life.
I'd ended my
friendship with Kylie.
And I'd ended my mum's reputation as
the most stylish woman in Reading.
How ever would I
recover from this?
- Are you awake?
- You smell of apples.
Apple daiquiri. I had to
fight Mummy off in the hall.
Before she died,
Tameka said she'd seen you.
She was about to tell me what you said
to her, only she never got it out.
I know what you told her.
You told her I thought she was
the bee's knees, didn't you?
You're a good boy, Simon.
I love you.
Why?
I love you no matter what, Simon.
That's what mums do.
Even if I'd murdered someone?
Even if you'd garrotted them
and chopped them up into little
bits and fed them to piranhas.
And then killed the piranhas,
and force-fed the killer fish
to me, making my face go green,
causing it to turn 360
degrees ŕ la Exorcist
shouting "Choke, bitch, choke,
you twisted psycho mother, you!"
Oh, sweet dreams.
Still, if a mother's love is unconditional,
maybe things were finally looking up.
Who's my handsome boy, eh?
Stick telly on, Simon.
Fat chance.
This is BBC Television
from London.
Diana Princess of Wales has died
after a car crash in Paris.
She was taken to a hospital in
the city early this morning.
Surgeons spent two hours
trying to save her life,
but she died at four o'clock
from severe chest inJuries.
D If ever you need
me, say my name
d I will deliver
d If your cloud is
lookin' dark, call me up
d I'll bring you silver
d And I don't know if
you've felt this before
d But there are times
that I go to the wall
d So sometimes I need you
d Just to call my name
in a quiet hour...
I thought maybe...
Kylie'd want to mourn the passing
of the Queen of Hearts with me.
He's too distraught.
I had to sedate him
with some Night Nurse.
Please.
Move on, Simon, eh? Move on.
D Sometimes I need you
d Let me know the truth
d When "sorry" Just won't do
d Sometimes I need you...
- My Uncle Terry died in a car crash.
- The one with the eye?
The other one, driving back from
IKEA, bunny-hopped off the Westway,
and buried himself under a flat-pack
armoire-come-drinks cabinet.
- That's terrible.
- I know.
We tried assembling it at the wake but
three of the screws were missing.
I'm worried about Simon.
He's gone all morbid.
Christ. He'll be listening
to Morrissey next.
He needs to get over
this death thing.
- You've got me here under false pretences!
- She won't bite.
We were going shopping
for a Tamagotchi.
Simon, you have got to stop
being freaked out by death.
But...
One day, you'll see me
or Dad in a coffin,
and I don't want that to be your
first experience of a corpse.
Oh, she looks happy.
Mind you, she went to Clacton last week.
Did her the world of good.
See. It's not scary, is it?
Now, I bet you think I'm
going to steal those tongs.
How else would they end
up in my possession?
Think again.
- I killed her.
- Simon.
- But I did.
- Stop showing off.
I told her to drop dead,
and she did.
Ha-ha-ha!
- So that's what you said to her.
- It's not funny.
- Well, she thought it was.
- Eh?
Oh, Simon, she had a
hole in the heart and a
liver the size of Guatemala
from all that rum.
Touch her. Dare you.
- Why?
- See what she feels like.
- You touch her.
- I've touched loads of corpses.
- And why would I want to touch her?
- Cos if it was me, you'd want to touch me.
- But it's not you.
- And the sensation might upset you.
But this way, you'll
know what it's like.
I'll buy you the Tamagotchi.
No, not there, not
between her legs.
D Waterlool I was defeatedl
You won the warl
Ha-ha-ha!
This is Tameka. Leave a
message after the tone.
Mum.
She always had to get the
last word, that one.
- All right, Debbie?
- You all right, Reba?
Slut.
All right, Kylie?
Simon.
I thought one more stab at winning
Kylie back mightn't go amiss.
D Don't cry out loud
d Just keep it inside and
learn how to hide your...
Yo, what's happenin', bro?
D... loud...
So I reached out to him via
the medium of not only dance
but a winning key change.
It worked.
D Don't cry out loud
d Just keep it inside
d And learn how to
hide your feelings
d Fly high and proud
d And if you should fall
d Remember you almost made it
d Don't cry out loud
d Just keep it inside
d And learn how to
hide your feelings...
The hearse is now
still coming up the
Finchley Road, passing
World Of Leather...
d My shoulder is your rest
when things get too bad...
strewn with flowers
and sometimes even threatening the
driver's ability to see where he's going,
as so many flowers have been
hurled towards the hearse
as it starts its
long, solemn drive
to Althorp.
What's happening now?
People are throwing flowers at the hearse
on its long, solemn drive to Althorp.
- Where's that?
- Near Northampton.
Oh, well, they'll be going
through Reading, then.
Will they?
Yeah, they'll go past
the maternity hospital.
She opened that KFC
concession in it.
Really?
Yeah, I went there with
the Blind Bingo lot.
She...
felt my face.
Gave me a start. Wish
she'd warned me.
But is Reading on the way
to Northampton, really?
- Yes.
- You're Joking.
I got A in geography
O level, didn't I?
To go from London, you go
London, Reading, Northampton.
D Na-na-na na-na na-na...
Oh, shit, I meant Southampton.
Too late now.
Still, they can get a
nice bargain bucket.
D Na-na-na na-na na-na
d Na-na-na na-na na-na
d Na-na-na na-na na-na...
Here she comes!
We love you, Diana!
Forever!
Vandalising twats!
Leg it!
Ladies and gentlemen,
today we are Joined by
some very special guests.
Some of Tameka's friends
and family in Jamaica.
Can you hear me, Winston?
Er... yes, Father.
Er... Irie?
Irie!
D R-E-S-P-E-C-T
d Find out what it means to me
d R-E-S-P-E-C-T
d Take care, T-C-B
d Sock it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it to me
d Sock it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it to me
d Sock it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it to me
d Sock it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it to me
- d Respect! d -
She did love Brazil nut!
She loved...
water melon!
What's in this one? Yo-ho-ho
and a bottle of rum?
And she loved...
apples!
Mummy.
No! Mummy!
Mummy!
So if you didn't steal those tongs
from Tameka's coffin, who did?
I swapped 'em with me mum's BaByliss
ceramic hair straighteners, girlfriend.
- Oh.
- As swaps go, that's a way cool.
That's you done and
dusted, my treasure. Now
get in that window and
make Mama look good.
Oh...!
The hair can look good.
The hair can look great.
But as I said at the start, fashion
inJuries can beset anyone at any time.
Even the beautiful people can
experience a bronzed, bare-legged...
- Whoa! ...fashionista fall.
D Don't go changing every time
Oh, my arm!
Hey!
- Ow!
- Ow!
Go, girlfriend.
D Ah-ah
d Don't let them go,
don't let them go
d Take a beautiful
dream and let it show
d Don't let them go,
don't let them go
d Take a beautiful dream and let
it grow, grow, grow, grow, grow
d Na-na-na-na-na-na,
na, na-na-na... d
ENJOY! Do not miss
this tomorrow!