Beautiful People (2008–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - How I Got My Posh - full transcript

# Ah, aahl

# Don't let them go, don't let them go

# Take a beautiful dream and let it show

# Don't let them go, don't let them go

# Take a beautiful dream and let
it grow, grow, grow, grow, grow

# Na-na-na-na-na-na,
na, na-na-na

# Let it grow, grow, grow, grow, grow #

(Simon) New York and
perfection go hand in hand,

like Paula Abdul and speaking shite.

Man, woman, child,
beast, even ugly people,

everybody strives to look
the best that they can.



But even those of us
who strive for perfection

should be allowed the window
dressing equivalent of a bad hair day.

My God, what is that?

Victoria Beckham, late '90s.

# When you're looking like you're
looking for an explanation...

(Growls)

Victoria might not have changed too much
over the years, but I certainly have.

You see, I wasn't always a slightly
fey window dresser in New York.

I was a slightly fey
schoolboy in Reading.

# I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really,
really, really wanna zigazig ah!

# If you wanna be my lover,
you gotta get with my friends

And when I was 13, the country was completely
and unapologetically in the grip of...

- # Girl power!
- Who's a girl, batty bwoy?

Oh, Debbie, here's that Ally
McBeal video you wanted to borrow.



Oh! Cheers, Reba.

Slut!

And I was enthralled to the sultriest of
them all, La Posh. She was glamour itself.

The most glamorous person we knew
was our headmistress, Miss Perrin.

(Feedback howls)

I'm not being funny, but I
can't find me handbag anywhere.

It's powder pink, with a fancy clasp.

Return it to me by the end of school and you
are going to get a lorra lorra house points.

It matched my socks.

She is so wrong.

It's actually a clutch bag.

One thing that made
Miss Perrin glamorous

was that once upon a
time, she'd been a TV star.

(Bell: # Benny Hill Show theme music)

What a glamorous life
she led as a Hill's Angel!

And to think she gave it all
up to get us through our SATs.

Don't worry, Kylie.

One day, we'll live a
glamorous life. Where?

- London.
- And who will we live amongst?

Beautiful people.

(Feedback howls)

Have you decided what you
want for your birthday yet?

Kind of, but I can't
tell anyone what I want.

What I really, really want.

I'd get my head kicked in.

Really, really kicked in.

You can tell me.

(Sighs) Well...

I really, really want a Posh Spice doll.

But the new one, with
fabulous concert outfits.

I'd like all the dolls, but
Posh Spice is my favourite.

She's so fabulous.

I wish I was her.

- # If you want to be my lover
- Attitude!

And while most lads would practise their
first run onto the pitch at Wembley...

Tits out!

... Kylie and I spent our breaks rehearsing
for that all-important first catwalk appearance.

Want a Posh Spice dolly-wolly, do you?

You big bender!

- # If you want to be my lover
- Get him!

(Squeals) Miss! Miss!

I can't believe you're
excluding him for two days.

Tough. He was fighting.

Jayeson got two days.
Simon's got two days.

He's a lover, not a fighter.

Read my lips. He was fighting.

It's clear to anyone with half
a brain he's been beaten up.

Excuse me, but I've got
letters after me name.

Which ones? TSB? Thick Scouse Bitch?

- Listen, love...
- Oh, don't love me, Ginger!

Debbie! Don't mind her, Miss Perrin.

- I'm not being funny.
- Don't talk to me about funny.

My Aunty Sue's buried next to
Stan Boardman's second cousin.

Go away, you're Joking!

- I used to love him in The Comedians.
- I know.

(Mimics) The Germans bombed our chippy.

No, it's more like...

The Germans bombed our chippy.

- He's hilarious.
- I know.

I love a man with an asymmetrical perm.

Anyway, that Jayeson Jackson...

Try saying that after
two Bacardi and limes!

...said your Simon
threw the first punch.

I never! He beat me up because he found out
I wanted a Posh Spice doll for my birthday.

You know what I do with your
exclusion, Miss Perrin? I spit on it.

My Simon has never done a thing wrong, and
you're picking on him cos he's different.

He has done stuff wrong.

- I don't believe you.
- Debs, come on.

Well, would you believe
that he nicked my handbag?

It's a clutch bag.

Two days' exclusion, starting now.

Do a lot of people
mistake you for Sonia?

Ginger Spice. Now... get out.

I don't like redheads. Never
have. And do you know why?

You'll never guess what happened today?

- You punctured a barmaid again, playing darts?
- Imagine this scenario.

Lady in the library,
she's a Titian type.

Whenever I see her, I think, "I wonder if her
downstairs hair is as red as her upstairs hair,"

And I don't want to be thinking that
when I'm having a flick in Large Print.

You know that guy I told you about
who picks the balls at Braille Bingo?

I mean, what did Fergie
ever give to the world, hmm?

The Fergie bow. Two kids
that look like horses.

He's only gone and asked me out.

I guess he goes for the
hot-chick-with-guide-dog look.

I think they got that
from their father's side.

Name me one member of the Royal Family
who don't have a hint of Red Rum about 'em.

- Linda McCartney.
- She's rock royalty.

Excuse me, newsflash!
I have been asked out.

- Have you? By who?
- Bingo Billy, with the balls.

He wants to take me up the Oracle.

- (Gasps)
- The cinema!

Cinema? As in the
visual medium of cinema?

I love a bit of Dolby surround sound.

- (Doorbell rings)
- Is he taking the piss?

My mother wasn't a fan of the
police, the band or the institution.

She Just had to see a copper and
it was like a red rag to a bull.

In more ways than one.

Oh, here we go. What have you
arrested her for this time, eh?

Nicking a penny chew
from the pick'n'mix?

A criminally short skirt? You've got too much
time on your hands since the IRA ceasefire.

Mrs Doonan...

It's a good Job I'm not
black. You'd be beating me up.

- I'm not too young to remember Blair Peach.
- Your daughter's done nothing wrong.

We live in a totalitarian state!

Them blokes from Strangeways
had the right idea.

Ashlene's been the victim of a flasher.

As you were. Fascist.

Just this once. Don't tell your dad.

Someone flashed at your Great
Aunty Sandra once, you know.

And less than six days later, your Uncle
Tony found her squatting in Wimbledon,

stalking Billie Jean King.

You think I'm crying because he
showed me his one-eyed trouser trout?

They can be very intimidating
things at your age.

Well, any age. If you're lucky.

What was the most scary thing?

- He didn't want my phone number.
- What?

And, what's worse, I dropped my Maybelline
Fuller Lash Mascara Wand in the cop car.

That flasher's struck again.

Apparently, he grabs the girls'
attention by waggling a thingy at them.

- He's a flasher, Andy. That's what they do.
- No, a Spice Girls figurine.

Well, they are the
must-have item of the season.

I mean, ten years ago, he would
have used a Cabbage Patch doll.

- Do you still have nightmares about them?
- Sporadically.

They don't come at me with knives any
more. And they've stopped wearing gingham.

Do you think it's weird our Simon
wants a whatshername for his birthday?

No more weird than him
nicking that cow's handbag.

- He says he never.
- And you believe him?

Is it such a crime to want a
fecking doll for your birthday?

- You'll have to talk to him.
- And say what, exactly?

Try and be a man? You're not leaving this house
until you've turned into Arnold Schwarzenegger?

- Well, no...
- Listen to me Debs, now!

We said we'd do things different
to our parents, and we have.

I won't bully my son into
being something that he's not.

So what are we meant to do?

Sit back and let the tough lads knock
ten different types of shite out of him?

He's my son. I love the bones of him.

- Maybe we handled him wrong.
- By loving him?

I'm worried. We've got to do something.

So you try butching him up a
bit, and I'll buy him the doll.

- Which one is she?
- Posh. The black one?

Fuck me! You seen how much they are?

My mother's motto was, if you
can't afford it, make it yourself.

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday, dear
Simon, happy birthday to you #

- Ta-da! -
What is it?

Teenage Mutant NinJa
Turtle glove puppet.

Ta-da!

Roller boots.

Ta-da!

It's a Mr Blobby drinks mixer.

- (Buzzing)
- Blobby blobby!

So, come the social event
of the Reading season,

my fourteenth birthday party,

why change the habit of a lifetime?

(Stereo: # Macarena, Los Del Rio)

- (Screams)
- What? I think it looks nice.

The flasher had a doll.

- What is it?
- What does it look like?

- A blacked-up Barbie.
- Cindy, actually.

It's obviously convincing, cos
it put the willies up Ashlene.

- You're so racist.
- He's right.

If I'm a racist, Simon, how comes my
best mate's a lady of an Asian persuasion?

Yeah, she ain't racist, she's racy!

(Growls)

- You always have to do it, don't you?
- What, the Macarena at a party?

I can't help it, lover. It's
in me waters. Come on, And.

Come on, Simon. The world's a brighter
place when you're doing the Macarena.

- Ain't it the truth?
- You always make me shit, woman!

All the bloody time.

I may as well stick a neon sign around
my head, saying "Second-hand Rose".

Second-hand Rose!

- # Hey, Macarenal
- That went down well.

Shall we have a bit of a breather?

Yeah, let's have a ciggie and get
our breath back... you racist bitch!

I know what you're getting
up to in there, Debbie.

She lets lads do the Macarena
in there. It's not right, is it?

And they wonder why batty
ho's are on the increase!

- He's not a total, is he?
- Who?

- This bloke you're seeing. Is he a total?
- Total what?

Butt out, doll lover.

"Total" means somebody
who is totally blind.

- Is this bloke a total?
- Simon, please. It's not a very nice word.

Yeah, but is he a big total?

Ashlene, please! It's like saying...

Is it like saying "spaz"?

Yes, and sometimes it's OK to use
words like that if... you are one...

What? If you're a big spastic?

...and you are reclaiming it in a postmodern
way, but if you're not, it's a no-no, all right?

Yeah, but if you was a
spastic, like a proper one,

I doubt if you'd know that word anyway.

What's postmodern?

- This conversation.
- So, this bloke. Is he?

Ashlene, it's not Just blind people who go to
my drop-in centre, OK? It's all sorts of people.

- With special needs?
- Some of them.

Oh, my God! Is he a full-on mong?

Just shut up, Ashlene!

Just shut your ignorant little mouth
for one moment, you pathetic, lippy cow!

- What have you done now?
- It's Aunty Hayley.

She Just had a complete
and utter mong-out.

(Enraged scream)

The next day, the
butching up of Simon began.

Simon, do you want to
come to the park with me?

- What for?
- Er... Just to spend some time together.

You've made me depressed. You and your
low-rent, Blue Peter presenter wife.

- "Here's one I made earlier."
- She looks nothing like Lesley Judd.

- Why are you wearing them Jeans?
- Simon!

How many times have I told
you to throw them away?

- I like the cut of them round my arse.
- The zip's bust.

- Simon, come to the park with me.
- No!

We'll let you stay up late tonight and watch
Knots Landing, Return To The Cul-de-Sac.

And I'll even plait
your hair like Valene.

Watch and learn, lover. Watch and learn.

I hear a man exposed himself
to Ashlene the other night.

- Outside Nandos.
- Such a beautiful spot. Is she scarred for life?

- He didn't touch her or nothing.
- Mental scars run deep, Debbie.

I was eating a Cornish pasty when Sharon
Stone flashed her gash in Basic Instinct.

I have never been able to eat
a recipe west of Bristol since.

- Did you enJoy that?
- Yeah.

God, when they hit that iceberg,
I really didn't see that coming.

Is Kate Winslet gorgeous? You can't
tell she's from Reading when she speaks.

She's all right. She's
not a patch on you.

Oh, and when he said, "I'm the king of
the world," what was he doing, again?

He was like this.

At the front of the boat.

Do you want to come back to my place?

What? For a coffee?

No. For a shag.

Go on, then.

- Has erm... Gloria the Fence been in?
- Why? Who wants to know?

- Well, me.
- And what were "you" after?

- A Posh Spice doll.
- Hmm, let me see.

I've got four Scarys and one Dykey.

Ah, but wait a minute!

What's this, wedged not
uncomfortably up my bum... bag?

Urgh! What am I giving birth to?

Is it a boy?

Is it a girl? Is... (Squeals and groans)

When I was a boy, I was scared.

And I don't want you to be.

What were you scared of?

The grandma in The Beverly Hillbillies.

The Moomins. The Clangers.

Nuclear war. Cilla Black.

Three-legged cats.

Two-legged cats. Cats with no legs.

The drummer in the Bay City Rollers.

Amounting to nothing.

But hey, I married your mam, I'm
your dad. I mean, how lucky am I?

And I'm going to make
sure you're never scared.

How?

I... am going to learn you...

...the football.

Oh, bollocks!

Stop dancing. Stop dancing!

- And... kick it!
- Argh!

There's no need to shout like that.

- They do it in tennis.
- They do in ladies' tennis.

Stop dancing, stop dancing.

(Squeals)

Right, less of the feckin' Tracy
Austins this time, all right?

Keep your gob shut.

Focus on it. Focus on
the killer instinct.

Killer instinct!

Oooh!

All I've got left are the straps. Feel.

And I'd only Just got my
hands on a Posh Spice doll.

Yeah. Where'd you get it?

Tameka's bumbag. With permission.

- Oh, do you remember my bumbag?
- Mmm, those were the days.

That American woman in the
pub called it a fanny pack.

- And you decked her.
- She was fingering it suspiciously, Hayley.

- And it was a light shove.
- Through a plate glass window?

What you couldn't see, Hayley,
is she had red hair, OK?

Do you ever give it a rest?

Lying on the floor, shouting, "Call an
ambulance, bitch!" God, she was really milking it.

- No, I'm saying, do you ever give it a rest?
- Eh?

Do we have to sit here, reminiscing
about your fucking bumbag?

- Is that going to be the highlight of our day?
- I'm a victim of crime here.

And you will be again
when I strangle you.

Which Spice Girl doll did
the flasher wave at Ashlene?

- I don't wish to talk about it.
- It was her, wasn't it?

- Kylie!
- And she's getting engaged to a footballer.

- A what?
- A footballer.

If there was one thing
Record Breakers had taught me,

apart from how to resurrect Cheryl Baker's
career after the infamous skirt rip, it was this.

If you want to succeed
in any chosen field,

you need one thing.

Over to you, Roy.

# It's dedication, whoa
whoa whoa, dedication, yeah

# Dedication, that's what you need

And let it be said that when Simon
Doonan puts his mind to something,

a bit like when teaming
a mankini with moonboots,

he usually pulls it off.

# Dedication's what you need, yeahl

# Dedication's what you need

What are you doing?

I'm good at football. Maybe
Victoria will hang out with me.

(Knock at door)

I'm sorry, Hayles.

Hayles, what is it?

Men. I should have listened to my
PunJabi separatist friend, MunJita.

All men are bastards.

Has it all gone tits
up with Bingo Billy?

Oh, Hayles, I'm sorry.

I want to be a kid again.

Cos of your crows' feet?

Everything was simpler then.

Did I ever tell you

that I won Miss Junior Hot Pants
At Butlins Pwllheli when I was 12?

No! What did you win?

- 200 Senior Service.
- At 12?

Every night, we'd go back to the chalet, and
my mum would read me The Princess And The Pea.

I used to love that story.

Well, she was blind.

- No, she weren't blind.
- She was.

Hayley, The Princess And The Pea
did not have a seeing eye dog.

Well, she had this
heightened sense of touch.

I thought, when I grow up,
I want to be Just like her.

She got on my tits,
actually. Another redhead.

Well, apart from Helen Keller, she
was the best role model I could find.

And I always thought Helen
Keller was a bit... weird.

She was. I was at school with her.

Her parents had the heel bar on Paternoster
Mews. Ruined a pair of my espadrilles.

Oh, no, that was Helen
Kellerway. Who was Helen Keller?

(Groans)

She's taking all your manliness away.

I'd never let a man of
mine shop. It's wrong.

Well, you have to get
one first, don't you?

- Flasher! Till one!
- No, it's my Jeans, it's my Jeans.

Flasher. Till one.

I am not a flasher. I am not a flasher!

I've got a broken
zip. That's all I have.

She accused you of what?

Mother, please! Don't show
us up in the street again.

Oh, don't worry. This time, I'll
do it in the comfort of me own home.

Oh, hello, Reba. I've got that Ally
McBeal video to give back to you.

Could you nip over and get it? Only, I popped
my coccyx today, exercising my pelvic floor.

Ciao.

# I get knocked down, but I get up again

# You're never gonna keep me down

# I get knocked down, but I get up again

# You're never gonna keep me down #

Reba!

- Call my fella a flasher, would ya?
- Debbie, let go of her.

- I thought you'd popped your coccyx.
- No, but I'll pop yours.

Yeah! Smack her one, Debbie!

- He flashed at me. I need counselling.
- You need sectioning.

Flashing ain't a laughing matter.
That fella flashed at my Ashlene.

- As if that'd be my dad.
- Don't you think she'd recognise her father?

They say he wears a balaclava.

He's got a woollen face, actually, Reba.

Has my dad got a woollen face? No. So...

Don't be dramatic. It was a snood.

- Debbie, she's sticking up for me here.
- Andy flashed at me.

Two words, Reba. In your dreams.

Anyway, it couldn't have been my dad.
It was someone about twice the size.

- (Both) How do you know?
- His body.

(Both) Oh.

Count yourself lucky, Andy.

I've done a self defence course.

Get out, Reba.

I want my Ally McBeal video.
What have you done with it?

I've recorded over it. With
the Eurovision Song Contest.

Which one of you sluts
thinks you're pregnant?

A pregnancy test? Is this yours, Debbie?

With my coil, don't be daft.

- What?
- Well, whose is it, then?

We did it in every position.

The missionary, wheelbarrow, lawn mower,

double buggy, cat's cradle,
spider's web, spaghetti hoops.

But I decided to knock
it on the head, really.

She wouldn't tell us why
till a few years later.

- I need a slash.
- Great.

Then maybe you can teach
me the shopping trolley.

And guess what? She really did grow up to
be like The Princess And The Pea, after all.

Although she found that some things
are best left under the mattress.

Particularly if they're a woollen
face and a certain type of doll.

Girl powerl

You know, I'd love a baby.

I'd love to win Miss Junior Hot Pants.

I'm sick of the most commonly used
word in my vocabulary being "sorry".

Walking into a wall, "Sorry."
Bump into you in the hall, "Sorry."

Getting the wrong end
of the stick, "Sorry."

And I found, when I was with him, I...

...I didn't say it.

What does it say?

Sorry.

You'd think my return to school would be
low-key, subdued, uneventful. You'd be wrong.

Oi! Nancy!

School bully Jayeson Jackson might have
looked surprised at my interest in football,

but he was forgetting
the sport's biggest lure.

- Go, girlfriend!
- Fancy footwork.

AKA, choreography.

So, before you could say David
Beckham looks fab in a sarong,

I was representing my school
in the inter-county five-a-side.

And what's more, I was loving it.

# The gods may throw a dice

# Their minds as cold as ice

# And someone way down here

# Loses someone dear

# The game is on again

# A lover or a friend

# A big thing or a small

# The winner takes it all

# I apologise

# If it makes you feel bad...

The future of football rested on my
ever-so-slightly padded shoulders.

I felt invincible. I felt wanted.

I felt...

... butch.

# The winner takes it all

# The winner takes it all

I guess you could say
I was man of the match.

(Chanting) We won the
match! We won the match.

Really, the man of the
match should have this.

It's a tad unsightly.

You keep it, Jayeson.

I'm sure it'll go better with your
family's gaudy fixtures and fittings.

Yeah. I knew you wouldn't want it,

which is why... I got you this.

# The winner takes it all

- Oh, Just one thing.
- What?

Sorry, force of habit.

Imagine how your life would have turned
out if you'd kept up with your dribbling.

Yeah!

All right, get out of the
way, or I'll let her sing.

Yeah. But instead I ended up in
New York, living with you in Queens.

The words "highly
appropriate" spring to mind.

# Don't let them go, don't let them go

# Take the beautiful dream and
let it grow, grow, grow, grow, grow

# Na-na-na-na-na-na,
na, na-na-na

# Let it grow, grow, grow, grow, grow

# Na-na-na-na-na-na,
na, na-na-na #