Beautiful People (2008–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - How I Got My Beads - full transcript
Simon tells boyfriend Sasha how he came to own a string of beads being used in a display. As a boy he plays a trick on Debbie by throwing his voice and convincing her he is her spirit guide and she has psychic powers. By coincidence, having heard of a recent death she predicts another. Andy's mother Narg comes to stay, having been released from hospital and her bizarre behaviour upsets everybody. She puts a tin of baked beans in the microwave and it explodes, killing her. At this point Simon decides that the spirit guide should tell Debbie that she has lost her powers but she should increase his allowance.The beads are, he claims, made from Narg's dentures.
# Ah-ah
# Don't let them go, don't let them go
# Take a beautiful dream and let it show
# Don't let them go, don't let them go
# Take a beautiful dream
# And let it grow,
grow, grow, grow, grow
# Na-na-na-na-na-na,
na, na-na-na
# Let it grow, grow, grow, grow, grow #
(Simon) When attending a music festival,
you must always wear sensible footwear...
Hm.
... partake of a nutritious diet...
... and don't worry unnecessarily
about personal hygiene.
(American accent) Are you dead?
(Horn sounds)
And if you are, might I have
those quirky yet intriguing beads?
Not on your life.
(Simon) I didn't always
live in glamorous New York.
I grew up in positively
glumorous Reading,
and the spring I was 13,
my mum started charging people
to read their tea leaves,
even though rumour had it
she was no Doris Stokes.
- (Pop music in background)
- Ah. The leaves say...
don't perm your hair,
a bob is more your thing.
The leaves say...
avoid pop tarts, they
always burn your tongue.
(# Space... Female Of The Species)
The tea bag's kind of saying...
(Simon) Ah, the famous conJoined
twins from 43 Cantata Close.
...write to the Thames TV,
tell them to bring back Metal Mickey.
#Jekyll and Hyde, Join
the back of the queue...
Debbie, you are not psychic.
So how comes I know what's
gonna happen in Family Affairs?
- Because it's shit.
- But I don't even watch it.
Debs, if you were really psychic,
you'd be hearing voices, yeah?
Voices from beyond the grave.
(Simon) Fantastic.
A marvellous opportunity
to create mischief.
Om...
Just listening out for my spirit guide.
Om...
Just listening out for
my spirit guide dog.
- Oh, ye of little faith.
- (Chuckles)
Om... mm...
Om... mm...
(Simon) And cue mischief.
- Om...
- (Indian accent) Hello, Debbie.
All right?
All right?
Mm, I've been better.
What do you wish to
tell me I... I must for?
Pick a number between one and ten.
Two?
It's a sign.
Whoo! Whoo...
(Clang and thump)
Hayley?
(Door opens)
Hayley, I Just heard a voice. It sounded like
the one from out of It Ain't Half Hot Mum.
- Who, Melvin Hayes?
- No, the pretend Asiany one.
- Oh, the offensive one, Rangi Ram?
- (Phone)
You been at the potato
and baked bean wine?
(Ringing)
Hello, Hayley de Souza.
I see. Oh, I see.
Yes, I am blind but I
can still say, "I see."
Oh, I'm so sorry.
- I see.
- Oh, my God.
I know who it is.
Andy!
Oh. I see.
- Andy, guess who Just spoke to me.
- (Irish) I'm going through my stuff.
Andy, you are not gonna believe
this. Oh, my God, I don't believe it.
Look, I'm shaking. When do I shake?
When you saw George Michael
skipping in John Lewis.
- Andy.
- You sang I Knew You Were Waiting For Me.
You harmonised. I don't want to talk about
George Michael. Guess who Just spoke to me.
- Hayley.
- Mother Teresa.
Is she not dead?
Her spirit came through.
Clear, Andy, as a bell.
- Whatever happened to Andy Bell?
- Guess what she told me.
- Is there a prize?
- Andy, I'm being serious.
- Mummy? Where's Mummy?
- She's on the sofa. What's the matter?
It's Mummy's boyfriend Fido.
- He hasn't dumped her?
- Debbie, she's a dog.
- No, it's worse.
- He's been eaten?
- Debbie.
- Can I speak? I'm having a crisis here.
As you were.
Mummy's boyfriend...
died.
Died in the middle
of doing a number two.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God,
this is freaking me out.
Mother Teresa was right.
The number two was a sign.
(Simon) Ha-ha-ha. Looked like my
Machiavellian plan was working.
Blimey. How many pictures
of Jesus does Granny need?
- I need to lie down.
- I'll Join you.
- On my own.
- Like I want to get in with you, Windy Miller.
It's the dog.
Come on. Come on, Mummy! Come on.
Ma says you can never have too
many pictures of the Good Lord.
Poor thing.
The crown o' thorns
looks awful uncomfortable.
So does the sombrero.
I didn't know Jesus went to Spain.
That's cousin Peter in Magaluf.
You feckin' eeJit.
(Simon) The problem with hatching
Machiavellian plans when you're 13 years old
is you don't often
think of the consequences
like my mother becoming
obsessed with her "gift".
I know you're there, you know.
- Can you sense me?
- I could smell your Anus Anus.
I had to Jump in with you.
There's no one else I can turn to.
Mm, are you worried about Andy's
mum? When's she being released?
Tomorrow, and it's "discharged"
when you're talking about hospital.
- Depends which hospital.
- Anyway, it's not that.
You see, I've been mulling it all over,
and the significance of number two is there's
gonna be two deaths in close succession.
I Just know it.
- Have you seen Mr Cartwright recently?
- Take a wild guess.
I put a note through saying I was going
up the ASDA. I haven't heard a dicky-bird.
- I thought he would've Jumped at the chance.
- Mr Cartwright Jump?
People with wooden
legs can Jump, Hayley.
Girl I was at school
with had a plastic ankle.
Catholic Girls trampolining
champion two years on the trot.
- Hm.
- Weren't bad at trotting, neither.
Has Mr Cartwright heard anything more
about the fine he got for
flashing outside the girls school?
- He's appealing.
- Them girls didn't think so.
Ha.
Hasn't been any sign of
life from his house for ages.
- Oh!
- What?
There is a girl walking past
and his nets aren't twitching.
- (Knocking)
- Mr Cartwright!
Oh! Mr Cartwright!
(Simon) Had she found her second death?
(Breaking glass)
(TV hisses)
Oh, Mr Cartwright.
Flashing even in death.
- Eh?
- Aaagh!
Put Baywatch back on, you stupid tart!
(Simon) So although my mum's
quest was far from over,
it seemed that Aunt
Hayley could smell a fish.
So the worrying thing is, with Mr
Cartwright still breathing, who's next?
- Remember the voice.
- Yeah, all right, put a sock in it.
- (Chuckles)
- You'll scare the children.
- What?
- Nothing.
I'm pleased with my table decoration.
All from the garden. I've had years
of pleasure from my creeping vagina.
Oh, Mum.
- Have you been hearing voices, Aunty Hayley?
- Don't be so stupid.
- What would that make her if she had?
- Pure mental. A basket case, a lunatic fringe.
Or psychic.
Sometimes when people hear voices it's
other people playing tricks on them.
Only an evil person would do that, someone
with a sick, bitter and twisted mind.
And racist, because they've been impersonating
an Asian person, if they were white.
I'm not racist.
(Debbie) No one said you
were. All about you, isn't it?
What the hell are you lot talking about?
- What you reading, Ashlene?
- ParisMatch.
I'm thinking of moving to Paris and selling
my body to existentialists on the Left Bank.
Oh. Well, it's nice to have ambitions.
Either that or I might
stop on at Woolworths.
- Oh, look at Simon's face.
- Oh, yeah, it's hilarious!
Bet he can't wait for
his old gran to get here.
Oh, yeah, Simon. At last a bit of
normality amongst the chaos, eh, Simon?
Cos, I mean, you're as
pure as the driven snow.
- You'd never mess with anyone's head.
- (Simon) Weird.
The person with the worst sight in
our house was seeing right through me.
(# Bee Gees... How Deep Is Your Love)
(Simon) Still, she had a point.
If they ever gave out awards for
nicest person on the planet...
You sit down, love. You've
greater need of it than me.
... my gran would win hands down.
(Bee Gees) # And the moment
that you wander far from me...
(Simon) She didn't ram her religion
down your throat like some people.
(Grunting)
- But instead she led by example.
- Here, take the lot.
You've greater need of it than me.
And being my gran, she
spoiled me mercilessly.
Wow!
- Ha-ha-ha!
- What's that?
My wedding dress.
Sure he's greater need of it than me.
Did you see the beautiful
poncho he made me? Look.
But then she got a bit
depressed after my grandad died
and had to go into hospital for what
Mum and Dad would only tell me was...
(Both) An operation.
Little boys who mess with their mummies'
heads and don't do something about it
go to hell and burn there...
for eternity.
Dorito?
Thanks for everything. Was
she a Joy to look after?
She's such a love. A good Christian woman,
if ever there was one. Could have been a nun.
(Sighs) Listen, love, you know,
when they have this procedure,
sometimes they get a
slight personality change.
- D'you know what I mean?
- Oh, right.
- Come on, Ma.
- I'm coming.
Come on, Andy, take a hand.
- Now gently does it. Another step.
- Thank you.
There we go.
Oh! Look at that funny little thing
in the chair, Andy, look at her.
Oh, well, less of the
"little", actually.
Hello!
Tell me, can you hear
the sleigh bells ringing?
No? Well, I'll tell you why you can't hear them
ringing and why you'll never hear them ringing.
Because there's no such fuckin' thing as
Santa Claus, that's why. D'you get me now?
- (# Blur... Song
2) - Ha-ha-ha!
Oh, look at this. Danny
La Rue and Stevie Wonder.
Heh-heh!
# Oh, yeah #
(Simon) So although some things never
change, like Ulrika Jonsson being annoying
or a crisp white shirt being
the all-season wardrobe filler...
The British Airports Authority says
- that a fifth terminal at Heathrow...
- (Rumbling)
(Simon)... it would
appear that some things do,
...irrevocably.
- (Whooping and chuckling)
Is Gran rollerskating up there?
- (Smash)
- (Rumbling restarts)
- (Bumping)
- (Screaming)
- Oh, Jesus, God! Oh! Oh!
- (Others) Yes.
Who put those feckin' stairs there?
- Pat, thanks for this.
- Oh, it's no trouble.
(Pauline) Papadopoulos couldn't get
anyone to cover for me this morning.
- Nice, Mum, the liver?
- Yours?
Mm, I thought I could
taste the Pernod & Black.
- Nice, though, yeah?
- Some people might say nice.
People who would enJoy
chewing rubbery tyres.
- (EastEnders theme tune)
- Can someone switch over to Corrie?
- Coronation Street, Mum, your
favourite. - Gabby Northern no-necks.
- I'd shoot them all down their hairnets.
- I won't be late.
- Since when did she become a floozy?
- I'm not a floozy.
Oh, all right, then. A prostitute,
you dirty little whore, you.
- Mum, she's not a prostitute.
- No?
No. She Just dresses like one.
Well, you can't pull
the wool over my eyes.
Mam, stop it. Why are
you being like this?
Ah, get a backbone, will
you? Or a bit of personality.
And you, ditch the halitosis, come on.
I wouldn't go in there.
Can we say good night
to Gran before retiring?
Hey, you're not 65 yet.
Oh, the blind one still
thinks she's funny, does she?
Mum, do you mind? The blind
one happens to be my best mate.
Mates? Mates, is it now?
I'll tell you what I'd call it. A coven.
- Gran?
- At least you're not wearing a dress for once.
Or is that a flame-proof nightie
poking out from between your flaps?
- Gran.
- Good evening, Mrs Doonan.
And who's Peter Piccaninny?
He's my friend Kylie, and we're
having a slumber party like in Grease.
Olivia Newton-John?
She was a slut as well.
Ma. You can't go around
using words like that.
And why not? I never lied to any of yous.
If I had my own way, I'd be in a home.
- Mum.
- Y'are in a home.
You're in our home and
we're happy to have you here.
Oh, really?
Then why are you thinking right now, "I can't
wait to see the back of that loopy bitch"?
You see? I can read your mind now.
I can see the words hanging
in the air above your head.
It's a gift.
- Gran, please don't be so beastly.
- Beastly?
(Chuckles) Beastly? Who do
you think you are, Enid Blyton?
Well, off you go and have an adventure on
Billycock Hill with your four other freaks.
(Running steps)
You've upset the poor lad.
Good. Life is hard and
then you have a lobotomy.
Eurgh!
What is that shite I'm drinking?
- I've had enough of this. I'm watching Corrie.
- Oh!
You have not had a lobotomy.
This isn't the dark ages.
You Just had a light spot of ECT.
Name the shite.
It's potato wine. I can get you
a cup of tea if you don't like it.
No, I'll make the tea.
You'll save on the rat poison.
- Ma, no one is trying to poison you.
- (Police sirens on TV)
What's happening?
Don Brennan's died driving Alma
Sedgewick's MG Midget through a viaduct.
- That's what it looks like.
- D'you think this could be the second death?
- (Advert Jingle)
- (Man on TV)... stopping fast.
Oh, no, I tell a lie. It's
an advert for brake pads.
You know, I've sent a
psychic message to the Pope
to ask him to aid me in healing me arm.
So I'm expecting a visitation
from him any minute now.
- (Doorbell)
- Ah, there's His Holiness.
- Get me my merkin.
- (Chuckles)
- Yes?
- Is Mrs Doonan in?
- Yeah, I'm Mrs Doonan.
- No. Gwen.
- Oh. Who should I say is calling?
- Her fianc?.
(Pop music plays)
- Your gran's weird.
- She does everything back to front now.
From now on I won't call
her Gran. I'll call her Narg.
It's "Gran" back to front.
So she's had some kind of illness that's
completely changed her personality?
- Hope it's not catching.
- I know.
Might start liking Baddiel and Skinner.
Don't worry, Kylie.
We're never going to change.
One day we'll move to London...
- # It's coming home, it's coming home...
...and live amongst the beautiful people.
- # It's coming home, it's coming...
- And everything will be fabulous in our world.
# Football's coming
home, it's coming home
- # It's coming...
- Kylie. Shut up.
God.
- (Upstairs) Oh! Oh!
- We want those close to us to be happy.
No one wants to hear their
own mother be really happy.
- (Upstairs) Oh...
- She said she met him in the hospital.
Do you think he's a patient?
From the smell of his raincoat, I'm
guessing he weren't a senior registrar.
(Sighs)
- Aha. Ha.
- Oh.
I'm not sure how much
more of this I can take.
Surely to God it can't
go on much longer.
No, I mean her living with
us. She's a bloody Saga lout.
- (Upstairs) Yes!
- Oh! Oh!
- Oh!
- Oh!
You know Carmelita on Descant Drive?
Twenty stone, Jaws wired, drinks
purified chips through a straw?
- (Upstairs) Oh!
- She's the matron of a care home.
- Council-run. Wouldn't cost a penny. -
Debbie, I can't believe this. Ma's sick.
People would look after her.
How would you like it if one
day you started hearing voices?
Oh. Oh, I forgot. You already have.
- (Upstairs) Oh, yes!
- Oh!
- (Sighs)
- Oh, yes! Oh, yes!
- Oh, oh, oh, oh!
- Oh, yes!
(Hayley) She's very unnerved.
At least when you and Andy have a bunk-up,
you stick Maria Callas on full blast.
- D'you mind?
- She says she's a tap that's been turned off.
And I've turned her on.
She's a pioneer in the analogy field.
Well, she has been awful quiet
this last half-hour, mind.
Ooh, don't think that's
the second death, do you?
- What second death?
- Mum all right, is she?
I need a ciggie.
(Simon) According to the law of Sod,
the minute you want to avoid something
is the minute it slaps you round the face.
# It takes two, baby
# It takes two, baby
# Me and you
#Just takes two...
(Andy mimicking Mother Teresa)
It's a sign... sign... sign.
Two. Twol
Two. Two. Two, two, two, twol
(Liverpool accent) 'Ey,
ey, calm down, calm down.
(Normal) I ain't afraid of no ghost.
Oh! You scared the living
daylights out of me, Mother.
I am not your mother,
Debbie, praise be to God.
(Simon) Ah, could this be a quaint Irish
pastime, emptying one's wee in the sink?
(Sink gurgles)
And the infamous English equivalent...
- (Cigarette hisses)
...putting your fag out in it.
(Chuckling)
D'you like my fianc?,
Ashlene? You green with envy?
No. He's old enough to be my grandad.
That's right, and very soon
he will be, so hands off.
Mwah!
Mother, can we talk about you and Barry?
Big Barry, to you.
Oh, and believe me, ladies, he
really does live up to his name.
- What are you looking at, you filthy tart?
- I don't know, Dracula's grandma?
Ah, the mouth on it.
- Are you really serious about marrying him?
- And why shouldn't I be?
Are you a racialist? That's not the
way your father and me brought you up.
Andy's not a racist.
Half his mates are black.
No, it's more that you picked him
up in the... well, in that hospital.
Mental institutions are the
latest pick-up Joints, are they?
Oh, it's a shame that you can't see,
because I am giving you
such a look right now.
Andy, I know it's hard for you, me
movin' on and you gettin' over your dad.
But, you know, it's like havin' piles.
It's Just something you
have to live with, you know.
Look, get... get me up.
Come on, get me up now.
Now, anybody want
a one-armed fry-up?
- (Others) No.
- All right.
- Is she gonna be safe in there?
- She was always a dab hand in the kitchen.
Andy, she was always one to say her prayers
and never say boo to a goose. People change.
I can't relax. What
if I end up like her?
Why would you end up like that?
Look.
Mother spent 70 years of her life saying
nothing apart from "Jesus loves you",
being kind, nice,
bottling everything up.
- So?
- So, you're not like that.
You're not that nice.
- You calling me a bitch?
- No.
Kids haven't said much
for a while. They OK?
- They're fine.
- Ooh, Mummy still breathing?
I'm not stupid. I know you think you've had
a premonition that someone's going to die.
But believe me, that's bollocks.
Nobody is going to die. Say it.
- Debbie.
- Nobody's going to die.
- Say it louder like you mean it.
- Nobody's going to die.
- And again.
- Nobody's going to...
(Ping)
(Rattling and clunking)
- (# The Feeling... She's Gone)
- What happened?
Has the Good Lord put
her out of her misery?
Oh, sweet Jesus, forgive me for all
the bad thoughts I had about her.
She's dead. Now she's dead and I
never even told her I loved her!
- You didn't.
- I did so, you cheeky mare!
- You know I did!
- You know he did!
- It was your ma who didn't love her!
- I did! Tell him, Hayls!
- She did. It was me who couldn't stick her.
- Well, now you got what you wanted!
Oh, Andy! Though if you're having a
whip-round for her wreath, count me out.
Oh, my giddy aunt! I thought I was
going mad, and all along I had a gift!
Look, Simon! Simon! If
you're still in the room.
If I've been funny with
you lately, I apologise.
A toast!
To the best mother in the world!
Well, a few years ago before she went
schizo. After that, she was pure evil.
- To Mother!
- (Others) To Mother.
Narg?
Your microwave broke!
# What will be
- (Crash)
- # She's gone
# Oh, I... Oh, I... I better
learn how to face it...
(Simon) So, yes, that
day on Melody Crescent,
the Doonan family really did learn
that change is, of course, inevitable.
Oh, Christ. I'm beginning to sound
like her out of Desperate Housewives.
# Get up in the morning
and look in the mirror
# The morning there's a
toothbrush hanging on the stand
# My face ain't looking any younger...
(Simon) And as my dad said goodbye
to his mum and her lunatic leanings,
it was time for me to kiss goodbye
to my own mother's mental illness.
# She's gone, oh, I...
# Oh, I... I better learn how to face it
# She's gone... #
(Phone rings)
8-5-1-9?
(Indian accent) Hello, Debbie.
It is me, Mother Teresa.
I'm Just ringing to say goodbye.
I will not be speaking to you again.
You had a gift but you didn't use it.
It made you think you was going mad,
and you wasn't.
You will never hear from me or
be psychic again. You got that?
Have you got a parting message?
(Sighs) Your son is very
upset by the death of his gran.
Could you...
put his pocket money up?
By about...
five pounds.
(Simon) Don't feel sorry for
her. She never gave me that raise.
- Those are your grandmother's teeth?
- Got it in one, sunshine.
You're seriously weird.
- Wait till you see what I did with her merkin.
- Yeah, right.
Water, please.
Oh, can you lend me two dollars?
That's a nice purse. I
wonder what I made that from.
Ew! You're gross!
- (Laughs)
- I don't know why I go out with you.
- Thank you.
- Thanks.
Cos you have a thing for slightly
fey British window dressers?
You? Slightly fey? Shut up.
Yes, I know, it's like saying
Kerry Katona's slightly chavvy.
Is she the poor woman who was
held hostage in her own home?
Yes, though why she didn't Just lay on
one of her Iceland buffets I'll never know.
That would scare any gunman off.
You have experience of gunmen?
I've had the odd pistol pointed me-wise
over the years, believe it or not.
And some rather nasty
explosions, to boot.
That must play havoc with your psyche.
I'm trying to get the stains out
of a Nicole Farhi top and hot pants
so it's no laughing
matter, thank you very much.
# Don't let them go, don't let them go
# Take a beautiful dream and let it show
# Don't let them go, don't let them go
# Take a beautiful dream and let
it grow, grow, grow, grow, grow
# Na-na-na-na-na-na,
na, na-na-na
# Let it grow, grow, grow, grow, grow #
# Don't let them go, don't let them go
# Take a beautiful dream and let it show
# Don't let them go, don't let them go
# Take a beautiful dream
# And let it grow,
grow, grow, grow, grow
# Na-na-na-na-na-na,
na, na-na-na
# Let it grow, grow, grow, grow, grow #
(Simon) When attending a music festival,
you must always wear sensible footwear...
Hm.
... partake of a nutritious diet...
... and don't worry unnecessarily
about personal hygiene.
(American accent) Are you dead?
(Horn sounds)
And if you are, might I have
those quirky yet intriguing beads?
Not on your life.
(Simon) I didn't always
live in glamorous New York.
I grew up in positively
glumorous Reading,
and the spring I was 13,
my mum started charging people
to read their tea leaves,
even though rumour had it
she was no Doris Stokes.
- (Pop music in background)
- Ah. The leaves say...
don't perm your hair,
a bob is more your thing.
The leaves say...
avoid pop tarts, they
always burn your tongue.
(# Space... Female Of The Species)
The tea bag's kind of saying...
(Simon) Ah, the famous conJoined
twins from 43 Cantata Close.
...write to the Thames TV,
tell them to bring back Metal Mickey.
#Jekyll and Hyde, Join
the back of the queue...
Debbie, you are not psychic.
So how comes I know what's
gonna happen in Family Affairs?
- Because it's shit.
- But I don't even watch it.
Debs, if you were really psychic,
you'd be hearing voices, yeah?
Voices from beyond the grave.
(Simon) Fantastic.
A marvellous opportunity
to create mischief.
Om...
Just listening out for my spirit guide.
Om...
Just listening out for
my spirit guide dog.
- Oh, ye of little faith.
- (Chuckles)
Om... mm...
Om... mm...
(Simon) And cue mischief.
- Om...
- (Indian accent) Hello, Debbie.
All right?
All right?
Mm, I've been better.
What do you wish to
tell me I... I must for?
Pick a number between one and ten.
Two?
It's a sign.
Whoo! Whoo...
(Clang and thump)
Hayley?
(Door opens)
Hayley, I Just heard a voice. It sounded like
the one from out of It Ain't Half Hot Mum.
- Who, Melvin Hayes?
- No, the pretend Asiany one.
- Oh, the offensive one, Rangi Ram?
- (Phone)
You been at the potato
and baked bean wine?
(Ringing)
Hello, Hayley de Souza.
I see. Oh, I see.
Yes, I am blind but I
can still say, "I see."
Oh, I'm so sorry.
- I see.
- Oh, my God.
I know who it is.
Andy!
Oh. I see.
- Andy, guess who Just spoke to me.
- (Irish) I'm going through my stuff.
Andy, you are not gonna believe
this. Oh, my God, I don't believe it.
Look, I'm shaking. When do I shake?
When you saw George Michael
skipping in John Lewis.
- Andy.
- You sang I Knew You Were Waiting For Me.
You harmonised. I don't want to talk about
George Michael. Guess who Just spoke to me.
- Hayley.
- Mother Teresa.
Is she not dead?
Her spirit came through.
Clear, Andy, as a bell.
- Whatever happened to Andy Bell?
- Guess what she told me.
- Is there a prize?
- Andy, I'm being serious.
- Mummy? Where's Mummy?
- She's on the sofa. What's the matter?
It's Mummy's boyfriend Fido.
- He hasn't dumped her?
- Debbie, she's a dog.
- No, it's worse.
- He's been eaten?
- Debbie.
- Can I speak? I'm having a crisis here.
As you were.
Mummy's boyfriend...
died.
Died in the middle
of doing a number two.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God,
this is freaking me out.
Mother Teresa was right.
The number two was a sign.
(Simon) Ha-ha-ha. Looked like my
Machiavellian plan was working.
Blimey. How many pictures
of Jesus does Granny need?
- I need to lie down.
- I'll Join you.
- On my own.
- Like I want to get in with you, Windy Miller.
It's the dog.
Come on. Come on, Mummy! Come on.
Ma says you can never have too
many pictures of the Good Lord.
Poor thing.
The crown o' thorns
looks awful uncomfortable.
So does the sombrero.
I didn't know Jesus went to Spain.
That's cousin Peter in Magaluf.
You feckin' eeJit.
(Simon) The problem with hatching
Machiavellian plans when you're 13 years old
is you don't often
think of the consequences
like my mother becoming
obsessed with her "gift".
I know you're there, you know.
- Can you sense me?
- I could smell your Anus Anus.
I had to Jump in with you.
There's no one else I can turn to.
Mm, are you worried about Andy's
mum? When's she being released?
Tomorrow, and it's "discharged"
when you're talking about hospital.
- Depends which hospital.
- Anyway, it's not that.
You see, I've been mulling it all over,
and the significance of number two is there's
gonna be two deaths in close succession.
I Just know it.
- Have you seen Mr Cartwright recently?
- Take a wild guess.
I put a note through saying I was going
up the ASDA. I haven't heard a dicky-bird.
- I thought he would've Jumped at the chance.
- Mr Cartwright Jump?
People with wooden
legs can Jump, Hayley.
Girl I was at school
with had a plastic ankle.
Catholic Girls trampolining
champion two years on the trot.
- Hm.
- Weren't bad at trotting, neither.
Has Mr Cartwright heard anything more
about the fine he got for
flashing outside the girls school?
- He's appealing.
- Them girls didn't think so.
Ha.
Hasn't been any sign of
life from his house for ages.
- Oh!
- What?
There is a girl walking past
and his nets aren't twitching.
- (Knocking)
- Mr Cartwright!
Oh! Mr Cartwright!
(Simon) Had she found her second death?
(Breaking glass)
(TV hisses)
Oh, Mr Cartwright.
Flashing even in death.
- Eh?
- Aaagh!
Put Baywatch back on, you stupid tart!
(Simon) So although my mum's
quest was far from over,
it seemed that Aunt
Hayley could smell a fish.
So the worrying thing is, with Mr
Cartwright still breathing, who's next?
- Remember the voice.
- Yeah, all right, put a sock in it.
- (Chuckles)
- You'll scare the children.
- What?
- Nothing.
I'm pleased with my table decoration.
All from the garden. I've had years
of pleasure from my creeping vagina.
Oh, Mum.
- Have you been hearing voices, Aunty Hayley?
- Don't be so stupid.
- What would that make her if she had?
- Pure mental. A basket case, a lunatic fringe.
Or psychic.
Sometimes when people hear voices it's
other people playing tricks on them.
Only an evil person would do that, someone
with a sick, bitter and twisted mind.
And racist, because they've been impersonating
an Asian person, if they were white.
I'm not racist.
(Debbie) No one said you
were. All about you, isn't it?
What the hell are you lot talking about?
- What you reading, Ashlene?
- ParisMatch.
I'm thinking of moving to Paris and selling
my body to existentialists on the Left Bank.
Oh. Well, it's nice to have ambitions.
Either that or I might
stop on at Woolworths.
- Oh, look at Simon's face.
- Oh, yeah, it's hilarious!
Bet he can't wait for
his old gran to get here.
Oh, yeah, Simon. At last a bit of
normality amongst the chaos, eh, Simon?
Cos, I mean, you're as
pure as the driven snow.
- You'd never mess with anyone's head.
- (Simon) Weird.
The person with the worst sight in
our house was seeing right through me.
(# Bee Gees... How Deep Is Your Love)
(Simon) Still, she had a point.
If they ever gave out awards for
nicest person on the planet...
You sit down, love. You've
greater need of it than me.
... my gran would win hands down.
(Bee Gees) # And the moment
that you wander far from me...
(Simon) She didn't ram her religion
down your throat like some people.
(Grunting)
- But instead she led by example.
- Here, take the lot.
You've greater need of it than me.
And being my gran, she
spoiled me mercilessly.
Wow!
- Ha-ha-ha!
- What's that?
My wedding dress.
Sure he's greater need of it than me.
Did you see the beautiful
poncho he made me? Look.
But then she got a bit
depressed after my grandad died
and had to go into hospital for what
Mum and Dad would only tell me was...
(Both) An operation.
Little boys who mess with their mummies'
heads and don't do something about it
go to hell and burn there...
for eternity.
Dorito?
Thanks for everything. Was
she a Joy to look after?
She's such a love. A good Christian woman,
if ever there was one. Could have been a nun.
(Sighs) Listen, love, you know,
when they have this procedure,
sometimes they get a
slight personality change.
- D'you know what I mean?
- Oh, right.
- Come on, Ma.
- I'm coming.
Come on, Andy, take a hand.
- Now gently does it. Another step.
- Thank you.
There we go.
Oh! Look at that funny little thing
in the chair, Andy, look at her.
Oh, well, less of the
"little", actually.
Hello!
Tell me, can you hear
the sleigh bells ringing?
No? Well, I'll tell you why you can't hear them
ringing and why you'll never hear them ringing.
Because there's no such fuckin' thing as
Santa Claus, that's why. D'you get me now?
- (# Blur... Song
2) - Ha-ha-ha!
Oh, look at this. Danny
La Rue and Stevie Wonder.
Heh-heh!
# Oh, yeah #
(Simon) So although some things never
change, like Ulrika Jonsson being annoying
or a crisp white shirt being
the all-season wardrobe filler...
The British Airports Authority says
- that a fifth terminal at Heathrow...
- (Rumbling)
(Simon)... it would
appear that some things do,
...irrevocably.
- (Whooping and chuckling)
Is Gran rollerskating up there?
- (Smash)
- (Rumbling restarts)
- (Bumping)
- (Screaming)
- Oh, Jesus, God! Oh! Oh!
- (Others) Yes.
Who put those feckin' stairs there?
- Pat, thanks for this.
- Oh, it's no trouble.
(Pauline) Papadopoulos couldn't get
anyone to cover for me this morning.
- Nice, Mum, the liver?
- Yours?
Mm, I thought I could
taste the Pernod & Black.
- Nice, though, yeah?
- Some people might say nice.
People who would enJoy
chewing rubbery tyres.
- (EastEnders theme tune)
- Can someone switch over to Corrie?
- Coronation Street, Mum, your
favourite. - Gabby Northern no-necks.
- I'd shoot them all down their hairnets.
- I won't be late.
- Since when did she become a floozy?
- I'm not a floozy.
Oh, all right, then. A prostitute,
you dirty little whore, you.
- Mum, she's not a prostitute.
- No?
No. She Just dresses like one.
Well, you can't pull
the wool over my eyes.
Mam, stop it. Why are
you being like this?
Ah, get a backbone, will
you? Or a bit of personality.
And you, ditch the halitosis, come on.
I wouldn't go in there.
Can we say good night
to Gran before retiring?
Hey, you're not 65 yet.
Oh, the blind one still
thinks she's funny, does she?
Mum, do you mind? The blind
one happens to be my best mate.
Mates? Mates, is it now?
I'll tell you what I'd call it. A coven.
- Gran?
- At least you're not wearing a dress for once.
Or is that a flame-proof nightie
poking out from between your flaps?
- Gran.
- Good evening, Mrs Doonan.
And who's Peter Piccaninny?
He's my friend Kylie, and we're
having a slumber party like in Grease.
Olivia Newton-John?
She was a slut as well.
Ma. You can't go around
using words like that.
And why not? I never lied to any of yous.
If I had my own way, I'd be in a home.
- Mum.
- Y'are in a home.
You're in our home and
we're happy to have you here.
Oh, really?
Then why are you thinking right now, "I can't
wait to see the back of that loopy bitch"?
You see? I can read your mind now.
I can see the words hanging
in the air above your head.
It's a gift.
- Gran, please don't be so beastly.
- Beastly?
(Chuckles) Beastly? Who do
you think you are, Enid Blyton?
Well, off you go and have an adventure on
Billycock Hill with your four other freaks.
(Running steps)
You've upset the poor lad.
Good. Life is hard and
then you have a lobotomy.
Eurgh!
What is that shite I'm drinking?
- I've had enough of this. I'm watching Corrie.
- Oh!
You have not had a lobotomy.
This isn't the dark ages.
You Just had a light spot of ECT.
Name the shite.
It's potato wine. I can get you
a cup of tea if you don't like it.
No, I'll make the tea.
You'll save on the rat poison.
- Ma, no one is trying to poison you.
- (Police sirens on TV)
What's happening?
Don Brennan's died driving Alma
Sedgewick's MG Midget through a viaduct.
- That's what it looks like.
- D'you think this could be the second death?
- (Advert Jingle)
- (Man on TV)... stopping fast.
Oh, no, I tell a lie. It's
an advert for brake pads.
You know, I've sent a
psychic message to the Pope
to ask him to aid me in healing me arm.
So I'm expecting a visitation
from him any minute now.
- (Doorbell)
- Ah, there's His Holiness.
- Get me my merkin.
- (Chuckles)
- Yes?
- Is Mrs Doonan in?
- Yeah, I'm Mrs Doonan.
- No. Gwen.
- Oh. Who should I say is calling?
- Her fianc?.
(Pop music plays)
- Your gran's weird.
- She does everything back to front now.
From now on I won't call
her Gran. I'll call her Narg.
It's "Gran" back to front.
So she's had some kind of illness that's
completely changed her personality?
- Hope it's not catching.
- I know.
Might start liking Baddiel and Skinner.
Don't worry, Kylie.
We're never going to change.
One day we'll move to London...
- # It's coming home, it's coming home...
...and live amongst the beautiful people.
- # It's coming home, it's coming...
- And everything will be fabulous in our world.
# Football's coming
home, it's coming home
- # It's coming...
- Kylie. Shut up.
God.
- (Upstairs) Oh! Oh!
- We want those close to us to be happy.
No one wants to hear their
own mother be really happy.
- (Upstairs) Oh...
- She said she met him in the hospital.
Do you think he's a patient?
From the smell of his raincoat, I'm
guessing he weren't a senior registrar.
(Sighs)
- Aha. Ha.
- Oh.
I'm not sure how much
more of this I can take.
Surely to God it can't
go on much longer.
No, I mean her living with
us. She's a bloody Saga lout.
- (Upstairs) Yes!
- Oh! Oh!
- Oh!
- Oh!
You know Carmelita on Descant Drive?
Twenty stone, Jaws wired, drinks
purified chips through a straw?
- (Upstairs) Oh!
- She's the matron of a care home.
- Council-run. Wouldn't cost a penny. -
Debbie, I can't believe this. Ma's sick.
People would look after her.
How would you like it if one
day you started hearing voices?
Oh. Oh, I forgot. You already have.
- (Upstairs) Oh, yes!
- Oh!
- (Sighs)
- Oh, yes! Oh, yes!
- Oh, oh, oh, oh!
- Oh, yes!
(Hayley) She's very unnerved.
At least when you and Andy have a bunk-up,
you stick Maria Callas on full blast.
- D'you mind?
- She says she's a tap that's been turned off.
And I've turned her on.
She's a pioneer in the analogy field.
Well, she has been awful quiet
this last half-hour, mind.
Ooh, don't think that's
the second death, do you?
- What second death?
- Mum all right, is she?
I need a ciggie.
(Simon) According to the law of Sod,
the minute you want to avoid something
is the minute it slaps you round the face.
# It takes two, baby
# It takes two, baby
# Me and you
#Just takes two...
(Andy mimicking Mother Teresa)
It's a sign... sign... sign.
Two. Twol
Two. Two. Two, two, two, twol
(Liverpool accent) 'Ey,
ey, calm down, calm down.
(Normal) I ain't afraid of no ghost.
Oh! You scared the living
daylights out of me, Mother.
I am not your mother,
Debbie, praise be to God.
(Simon) Ah, could this be a quaint Irish
pastime, emptying one's wee in the sink?
(Sink gurgles)
And the infamous English equivalent...
- (Cigarette hisses)
...putting your fag out in it.
(Chuckling)
D'you like my fianc?,
Ashlene? You green with envy?
No. He's old enough to be my grandad.
That's right, and very soon
he will be, so hands off.
Mwah!
Mother, can we talk about you and Barry?
Big Barry, to you.
Oh, and believe me, ladies, he
really does live up to his name.
- What are you looking at, you filthy tart?
- I don't know, Dracula's grandma?
Ah, the mouth on it.
- Are you really serious about marrying him?
- And why shouldn't I be?
Are you a racialist? That's not the
way your father and me brought you up.
Andy's not a racist.
Half his mates are black.
No, it's more that you picked him
up in the... well, in that hospital.
Mental institutions are the
latest pick-up Joints, are they?
Oh, it's a shame that you can't see,
because I am giving you
such a look right now.
Andy, I know it's hard for you, me
movin' on and you gettin' over your dad.
But, you know, it's like havin' piles.
It's Just something you
have to live with, you know.
Look, get... get me up.
Come on, get me up now.
Now, anybody want
a one-armed fry-up?
- (Others) No.
- All right.
- Is she gonna be safe in there?
- She was always a dab hand in the kitchen.
Andy, she was always one to say her prayers
and never say boo to a goose. People change.
I can't relax. What
if I end up like her?
Why would you end up like that?
Look.
Mother spent 70 years of her life saying
nothing apart from "Jesus loves you",
being kind, nice,
bottling everything up.
- So?
- So, you're not like that.
You're not that nice.
- You calling me a bitch?
- No.
Kids haven't said much
for a while. They OK?
- They're fine.
- Ooh, Mummy still breathing?
I'm not stupid. I know you think you've had
a premonition that someone's going to die.
But believe me, that's bollocks.
Nobody is going to die. Say it.
- Debbie.
- Nobody's going to die.
- Say it louder like you mean it.
- Nobody's going to die.
- And again.
- Nobody's going to...
(Ping)
(Rattling and clunking)
- (# The Feeling... She's Gone)
- What happened?
Has the Good Lord put
her out of her misery?
Oh, sweet Jesus, forgive me for all
the bad thoughts I had about her.
She's dead. Now she's dead and I
never even told her I loved her!
- You didn't.
- I did so, you cheeky mare!
- You know I did!
- You know he did!
- It was your ma who didn't love her!
- I did! Tell him, Hayls!
- She did. It was me who couldn't stick her.
- Well, now you got what you wanted!
Oh, Andy! Though if you're having a
whip-round for her wreath, count me out.
Oh, my giddy aunt! I thought I was
going mad, and all along I had a gift!
Look, Simon! Simon! If
you're still in the room.
If I've been funny with
you lately, I apologise.
A toast!
To the best mother in the world!
Well, a few years ago before she went
schizo. After that, she was pure evil.
- To Mother!
- (Others) To Mother.
Narg?
Your microwave broke!
# What will be
- (Crash)
- # She's gone
# Oh, I... Oh, I... I better
learn how to face it...
(Simon) So, yes, that
day on Melody Crescent,
the Doonan family really did learn
that change is, of course, inevitable.
Oh, Christ. I'm beginning to sound
like her out of Desperate Housewives.
# Get up in the morning
and look in the mirror
# The morning there's a
toothbrush hanging on the stand
# My face ain't looking any younger...
(Simon) And as my dad said goodbye
to his mum and her lunatic leanings,
it was time for me to kiss goodbye
to my own mother's mental illness.
# She's gone, oh, I...
# Oh, I... I better learn how to face it
# She's gone... #
(Phone rings)
8-5-1-9?
(Indian accent) Hello, Debbie.
It is me, Mother Teresa.
I'm Just ringing to say goodbye.
I will not be speaking to you again.
You had a gift but you didn't use it.
It made you think you was going mad,
and you wasn't.
You will never hear from me or
be psychic again. You got that?
Have you got a parting message?
(Sighs) Your son is very
upset by the death of his gran.
Could you...
put his pocket money up?
By about...
five pounds.
(Simon) Don't feel sorry for
her. She never gave me that raise.
- Those are your grandmother's teeth?
- Got it in one, sunshine.
You're seriously weird.
- Wait till you see what I did with her merkin.
- Yeah, right.
Water, please.
Oh, can you lend me two dollars?
That's a nice purse. I
wonder what I made that from.
Ew! You're gross!
- (Laughs)
- I don't know why I go out with you.
- Thank you.
- Thanks.
Cos you have a thing for slightly
fey British window dressers?
You? Slightly fey? Shut up.
Yes, I know, it's like saying
Kerry Katona's slightly chavvy.
Is she the poor woman who was
held hostage in her own home?
Yes, though why she didn't Just lay on
one of her Iceland buffets I'll never know.
That would scare any gunman off.
You have experience of gunmen?
I've had the odd pistol pointed me-wise
over the years, believe it or not.
And some rather nasty
explosions, to boot.
That must play havoc with your psyche.
I'm trying to get the stains out
of a Nicole Farhi top and hot pants
so it's no laughing
matter, thank you very much.
# Don't let them go, don't let them go
# Take a beautiful dream and let it show
# Don't let them go, don't let them go
# Take a beautiful dream and let
it grow, grow, grow, grow, grow
# Na-na-na-na-na-na,
na, na-na-na
# Let it grow, grow, grow, grow, grow #