Beautiful People (2008–…): Season 2, Episode 6 - How I Got My Gash - full transcript

ENJOY! Do not miss
this tomorrow!

D Don't let them go

d Don't let them go

d Take a beautiful
dream and let it show

d Don't let them go
Don't let them go

d Take a beautiful dream

d And let it grow, grow,
grow, grow grow, grow. d

SIMON: When carousing on the early, slash,
new-millennial, London-based gay scene,

remember, image is all.

Keep the waist low, chin
high, and above all else,

remember to cover not
only your backs...



Cheeky!

But also your flaws.

Oh, my God, it's Harry Potter!

Hmm, guess he saw my gash.

I grew up in a warm, loving,
slightly eccentric family

who thought that everything
I did was amazing.

How much do we love our Simon?

ALL: This much!

But what they didn't prepare me
for was that in the outside world

other people might not
find me quite so amazing.

- Nancy boy!
- Faggot!

- Queer!
- Gay!

- Poofter!
- Batty boy!

There you go, poppet.



Chicken tikka pitta pockets and a
melange of mango and melon balls.

Enjoy!

They say there's a very thin
line between love and hate.

In my case, that line seemed
to be our front gate.

Oi, woofter. Is that
the gay house, is it?

Oi, Doonan, do you
take it up the arse?

You got AIDS yet, you big, fat bum boy?
Get him!

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

Sir?

I think I'm being bullied.

Bullied? No, that's shocking.
I'm shocked.

I can't get over that.

Really? Yes.

Is it because of your
unnaturally protruding teeth?

Er... no.

Well, my advice to you is...
Yes?

Tell a teacher! Right.

You should, you know? Do
you the world of good.

You know what, I think
I might leave it.

Your choice, Norman.

Simon.

You can always rely on your
best mate to cheer you up.

But sometimes other things
change the way you feel.

And though you might not yet be able
to put a name to these feelings

you know that they
mean something.

Are you new? My name's
Mickey, Mickey McCann.

I'm Simon and this
is my friend Kylie.

Like the pop star?

Only I look twice as
ferocious in hot pants.

New boy, hang about with them and
everybody will say you're a battio.

Come on, mate, we'll show
you where the pussy is.

Oops! Looks like he
dropped something.

Mickey?

Mum? Yes, lover.

When you met Dad, did you
know he was the one?

Yeah. Our eyes met across
a crowded soup kitchen.

He took one look at
me and he said...

I just found these
crabs in the back.

I'm dressing them for tea.

What in, ponchos and pashmini?

SHE LAUGHS And what did you say?

Has anyone ever told you you look
like Tessa Wyatt from Robin's Nest?

Robin's Nest?

Seminal '70s sitcom about everyday
life in a bistro with a one-armed...

Bandit? Waiter.

Lovely Tessa Wyatt. I really
miss her popping up on my box.

Who?

Andy, get the picture
from the drawer.

Crustacea back in the
fridge, please, Ashlene.

See?

Yeah.

I think you look more like this.

That crab's repeating on me.

Still, the ponchos looked nice.

Didn't go a whole hog
on the pashmini, mind.

I feel a bit sad, lover.

Why, babe?

Two things - one, why won't Ashlene
tell us who her kid's dad is?

She reckons we'd kick off. I
mean, how ridiculous is that?

She just doesn't bloody know,
that's the real reason.

I've been violent, like,
three times in my life.

Once when I found Coco the Clown
rummaging about in your drawers.

We should never have hired a
kleptomaniac kiddies entertainer.

When I had road rage on a
funicular railway at Legoland.

- That kid provoked you, Andy.
- What was the third time?

- Coco the Clown again.
- Oh.

When you found him fingering
Ashlene's architraving.

I don't even know what
he was doing upstairs.

You said there were two things...
that were making you feel blue.

It's this Tessa Wyatt thing.

I don't want to look like
someone from the '70s.

I want to be the doppelganger
of someone from now,

someone famous,
someone fabulous.

D Oh, Mickey, you're
so fine You're so fine

d You blow my mind, hey, Mickey

d Hey, Mickey

d Oh, Mickey, you're so fine... d

I wish I could spend
more time with you.

And as the age-old adage goes,
careful what you wish for.

Fishy lady's fingers with
a cock-a-leekie dip,

followed by chocolate rosebuds.
Enjoy!

It might come true.

Get him!

All I'm saying is, Simon,

if you don't enjoy Aunty Hayley's
rather ambitious packed lunches,

then by all means say.

But don't go throwing them all over
the cul-de-sac. That is so rude.

I'm sorry, Aunty Hayley.

Now what was I saying about
careful what you wish for?

Mystery still surrounds the
Reading Avon lady, Jane Rowland

who went missing three days ago
and hasn't been seen since.

Reading, eh?

Shame she never galloped up our ginnel.
I'd love some new products.

Information about
her whereabouts.

If anyone knows where Jane is,

or Jane, if you can
hear this, please,

please get in touch.

Any piece of information, no
matter how small, we need it.

- Oh, God love him.
- I bet he's killed her.

- Ashlene!
- What?

Her last words to me were...

I can get four fingers inside
it, but it really hurts.

She was cleaning out a mouse
hole on the skirting.

Mrs Rowland, who is in her late 30s,
looks like this. Have you seen her?

THEY LAUGH

- Oh, my God, that is hilarious!
- What?

She's got an ever so
slight resemblance to me.

Slight?! Jesus, the two
of yous could swap heads!

When I said I wanted to
look like someone famous

I didn't mean a missing person.

And her irritation
didn't stop there.

Overnight, my mum had developed
traffic-stopping powers.

And my dad was
powerless to resist.

She's my wife! No,
no, she's my wife!

She's my wife! Debbie!

Oh, God, no!

She'd never dress like that.

The only upside to Mum's
doppelganging qualities was...

it led to her first
appearance on TV in a

Crimewatch reconstruction
as the missing lady.

Filming - that's what they call
it when they film something -

filming went really well.
I don't wanna tempt fate,

but is that a coffee
cream I can smell?

No, it's a BAFTA.

Cor, that George Michael's
a dirty old dog, in't he?

George Michael has been charged

with committing a lewd
act in a park toilet.

Brilliant.

Debs, I'm really
pleased for you.

I didn't realise you were
such a good actress.

He's like you with a beard.

I guess I'm just a natural.
Although I was a bit hacked off

the director kept asking what it was
like working with a one-armed waiter.

Why don't we throw a big party?

Tomorrow night. Is it
on the telly so soon?

It's an emergency, Simon.

Get all the neighbours
in, really show you off.

Oh, Hayley, I don't
think I could.

- I'm not that much of a bragger.
- OK, your call.

Oh, go on then, you
twisted my arm.

It's a beautiful idea. It
would be rude to decline.

THUNDER RUMBLES

Sounds like a storm's coming.

It's a twister, Auntie Em!

I'm Aunty Hayley.

It's from The Wizard of Oz.

I'd have been brilliant in that.

What as - a pig-ugly munchkin?

D Somewhere over the rainbow

d Way up high

d There's a land that I heard of

d Once in a lullaby... d

Who are you?

I guess you could say I'm the
ghost of homosexual future.

That cardy's very
fashion forward.

Listen, relax, sweetie.

It's not all doom and gloom.

But Oscar Wilde was sent to Reading
jail for being a friend of Dorothy.

There was 100 years ago, Simon.

Ten years from now the
landscape's really changed.

Age of consent's equalised,
Clause 28 is no more.

And... you can get married.

Oh, yeah, right(!)

There's this out gay actor bloke on
the TV all the time, John Barrowman.

Still, you can't
have everything.

But you can be happy.

And you will be. Trust me.

Why should I?

Simon...

I'm you.

D Somewhere over the rainbow... d

But no matter how rosy
the future might look...

the present can still look shit.

D ...There's a land
that I've heard of

d Once in a lullaby... d

But I don't feel well.

Simon, you are going to school
whether you like it or not.

But I think I might
have viral meningitis.

It really hurts when I do that.

Simon, school!

But you're letting Ashlene bunk off!
She's got high blood pressure.

Yeah, maybe if you were pregnant
we'd let you skive off as well.

Oh, that's a really great example
you're setting me. Thanks(!)

Maybe I should just go get a huge
crack problem, check into rehab,

then I'd never have to
go to school again.

Simon, please don't use the
phrase "huge crack" around me,

I'm getting Greenham flashbacks.

I don't want you under
my feet all day.

I'm going to ring round all
the top London agencies,

get them to watch me
on telly tonight.

Dad, can I get a lift
to school from you?

Sorry, son, I'm nipping out to get party
decorations from Good Will Bunting.

It's in completely the
opposite direction.

Listen, Debbie, I was
thinking, about tonight,

we should get a marquee
in the garden.

There isn't room for a marquee.

All right then, a two-man tent with
the flaps up, possibly a barbecue.

No, no way, not after last time.

I know you're all looking at me.

Has anyone seen Bette Midler?

I "saw her" at the
Palladium in '78.

It's what he calls
his guinea pig.

This burger's very hairy.

Bette Midler! DOORBELL

Hibes.

Hibes?

Short for "Hi, babes" for
those in too much of a hurry.

There's an old show biz saying
- when the going gets tough,

the poofs get their skates on.

Get him!

Come on! Get 'em!

D In the jungle,
the mighty jungle

d The la la la la la
sleeps tonight... d

Johoyo, could you get
a bit of a move on,

only I'm on the telly
tonight and...

- You're on the television?
- Yeah, well, I'm an actress, so...

Ahh! I have been on television!

You heard of Songs Of Praise?

I'm more drama than documentary.

I was on it, and they kicked me out!
Bastards!

I thought it suited me, the big bass drum.
Um-pam-pam...

Anyway, I'm having
a party tonight

so I'd like to make sure I'm
back in plenty of time.

- You're having a party?
- Yes.

- A party you're having?
- That's right.

Oh, for God's sake!

Ahh! I love to party!
I love to love.

Me and my baby just
love to dance!

Well, then you must come.
Now can we get a move on?

Hey! My life is complete. Ahh!

D In the jungle, arrrgh!

D The mighty jungle

d Arrrgh! The l-l-lion
sleeps tonight... d

Not got your skates on
now, have you, battios?

Get him!

In here, come on!

Come on!

Enough! Get out!

Come on!

Help!

Help, somebody!

Help!

D Ah oooh Wimoweh,
wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh

d Wimoweh, wimoweh
Wimoweh, wimoweh

d Ah oooh, wimoweh, wimoweh
wimoweh, wimoweh... d

I didn't do this, right?

I hate them, girlfriend. I'd quite happily
drop them in a vat of boiling mascara.

Mickey's all right.

He's a knob, like
the rest of them.

He's not. You're
just like my mum.

I'm not an underdressed,
over-made-up slut.

She kept going back to the
same bloke that beat her up.

What are you trying
to say, Kylie?

Wake up and smell the
coffee, girlfriend!

I'm not your girlfriend,
girlfriend!

Let me explain your hairdo.

I scooped it up here, I zhuzhed it
here, I booped, edooped it here.

Your ears are still intact.

But I did cut your bra with
my snappy-snappy twam-twams.

Scissors.

You say potato, I say root
vegetable with the big eyes.

The problem is, Johoyo, it doesn't
look any different to when I came in.

That is the sign of a good haircut!
Huh?

DOORBELL

I'll get it.

Our Kyle said there was a bit of a
party going on. Where's your dad?

What's that?

I think it must be a good luck
card from Simon, bless him.

Ohh! I keep getting
stomach cramps.

I told you to keep your fingers
out of Aunty Hayley's Bombay mix,

she's far too free and
easy with the hot nuts.

Come on, let's get downstairs.

Are you from the Inland Revenue?

I've paid my taxes, but the cheque,
it must have been lost in the post.

I'm Kylie.

Oh, The Locomotion was catchy.

Brrr-eeee! Hey!

Come on! Hey! Hey!

Hey!

Johoyo says pogo no.

Hey, watch my occasional
table, Johoyo.

Occasionally is a table.

Occasionally a very big hat.

Has anyone seen Simon?

Kylie, have some manners, it's not
Simon's night, it's Debbie's night.

DOORBELL

- Leave us alone, Jayeson.
- I'm invited.

You all right, Jayeson?
All right, slag.

What you looking at? Dunno,
hasn't got a label on it.

Oh, yes, it has. It
says "huge twat".

SCREAMS Shut up and get in!

All right, sexy?

I'm going to pretend you didn't say
that, who or whatever you are.

Your loss, darling.

All right?

All right. Where you going?

Thanks... for today.

They didn't mark your face.

Are you running away?

I've been waiting ages.
There's a bus strike.

Simon, I'm sorry.

I'm not going to hang about with
Jayeson any more. He's a knobhead.

Do you need a lift anywhere?

Do you want to go to a party?

I wish I could get out of
this damn closet, girlfriend.

BANGING

d Stuck in the dark
and the confines

d Of a place where
nobody could breathe

d I'll suffer the fools
with their closed minds

d Till the day when
the world can see me

d There'll be a world
that is longing to see

d One day

d Beautiful people
who love me for me

d One day

d Some day

d One day

d I'll find a place
I can breathe

d When the world will see me. d

JAYESON: So, is it mine?

The baby, is it mine?

Yeah.

Come on, it's about to start.

What are you doing in there?
Taking an overdose?

Get in there and
mingle, batty boy.

There's some right
fit birds in here.

Come on, find yourself
a luscious lovely.

They're introducing
the reconstruction.

Where's Simon?

Have some manners, it's not Simon's
night, it's Debbie's night.

- You're drunk.
- Piss off!

Ow!

- All right, Reba?
- Hiya, Debbie.

Slut. I'm on!

VOICEOVER ON TV: Were you in
Tabernacle Terrace that day?

Did you see Jane on
her way to work?

I found it really difficult
to walk in a straight line.

Something happens when the camera
is on me, I don't know what it is.

Hello, neighbour, I'm just
off on my Avon lady round.

They couldn't afford to pay her.
Either that or she was shit.

What's that, neighbour? You
hope I have a nice day?

Mm, me, too. Ta-ta for now.

I put that in.

I hope I don't get abducted, that
would be the pits and stuff.

And that.

This was the last
sighting of Jane Rowland.

Did you see her
crossing the road?

Did she sell you some of her
feminine hygiene products?

Neither Jane nor her Femfresh
have been seen since.

God, Debbie, you
were really shit!

Jealousy will get
you nowhere, Reba.

I had no idea Mrs Rowland
had special needs.

She didn't.

Oh, it's just... she
came across a bit...

Completely mongified?

Do you wanna feel my foetus?

Can I use your loo?
Up the stairs.

Girlfriend, we need to talk.

How was she? About
as wooden as that.

What's going on with
you and Mickey?

- I'm not blind.
- I am!

Listen, about your Ashlene...

Oh, my God, I know
why Jayeson is here.

Hang on, there's something
I've got to do.

Mum, did you get my letter?

It was more of a notelet/card.

Has that phone
started ringing yet?

You watch, I'll be in
Casualty come June.

Mum, I've got something
to tell you.

Or Emmerdale, they're all shit in
Emmerdale, I'll act them off the screen.

I nearly ran away tonight. "Clear
the cowshed, Bunty's in labour."

Bunty's a cow.

I'm not like other boys.

Good, other boys are crap.
No, they're not.

Otherwise why would I
like them so much?

You're too young to know
your own mind, Simon.

I knew you'd be crap in
that reconstruction.

I wasn't crap, Simon, the
director just wasn't very good.

But when will I stop
feeling like this?

Debbie, you'd
better come inside.

I'm in the middle of
something right now.

They've found your woman.

What?

You just remember,

your dad and me, yeah,

you're the most precious
little boy in the world to us.

And you always will be.
Always, no matter what.

Basically, I ran away. I tried
to make a new life for myself

but when I saw that reconstruction,
I just got very angry

and felt I had to show the nation
that I don't walk or talk like that.

Yes, what I did was against the law, but
what that actress did was criminal.

Come on, Jane. Piss off, Tony.

Why do you think I ran
away in the first place?

I've got something for you.

The reason I had
to change schools

was I was getting picked
on at my last one.

Why would anyone
want to pick on you?

They found out something about me and...
it didn't go down too well.

What was it?

It was a letter to someone telling
them how I felt about them.

It's a bit embarrassing, really.
Who?

Jason Orange.

Have you seen the video
for Do What You Like?

Those clothes were fierce.

Thank God no-one can see us
coming out of my bedroom,

cos I'd hate for anyone
to think I was a slapper.

What's your name again?

- Aunty Hayley!
- Yes, what?

I think my waters have broke.

Right, um...

let's get you downstairs and
find your mum, all right?

Come on.

Andy, call an ambulance.

Andy!

When I'm older, I'm going to live in
London amongst the beautiful people.

I'll have beanbags
and a smoking jacket

and probably be like
that with Jason Orange.

I can't get a line!

It's the wrong way up.

Lie her on the couch.

Ahh! I can feel it coming!

No, no, no, no, no!

All right, darling.

D On the roof

d As we are

d I can feel the air
of what could be

d Looking down

d And I found As
though from the start

d Something good I can see
the world as it should be

d I'm gonna let my
fear of flying go

d Or I might never know... d

Owwww!

It's all right, all right.

The ambulance is on its way.

Ahhhhhhh!

D One life, my way

d And I'll dive in and I just feel
that something's happened to me

d And now I know

d I'm not the only one... d

Oh, my God, oh, my God!

Isn't he gorgeous?

He's perfect.

He's beautiful.

Dear Mum.

I wanted to tell you this myself,
but couldn't, so here I am...

I want to let you know

that for a long time I've been
bullied by a boy called Jayeson.

As you know, I'm different
from the other boys at school.

And also...

because I'm gay.

SIREN WAILS Oh, my God!
I'll go to Reading Jail!

CRASH

And that, ladies and gentlemen,
is how I got my gash. Thank you.

Thought of any names, Ashlene?

I quite like Puff Daddy Doonan.

I like Andy.

She can call him
whatever she wants to.

What's it got to do with you?

Yeah, I don't even know
why you're here, Jayeson.

That's Jayeson? Right!

Are you going to
tell him or shall I?

What are you on about, Gaylord.

He's the dad.

He's Puff Daddy's daddy.

You are joking.

Simon, we're family now.

I don't know about
that, sunshine.

Debbie, what are you doing?!

That is for taking advantage of
my daughter's slutty nature.

That is for making me a grandma
at a ridiculously young age,

and this is for what
you've done to my Simon.

Ohh!

Mum...

I'm getting married.

Mum!

To a man.

Remember Mickey, from school?

Well, we've been Skyping...
Don't do that to me, Simon.

I'd spent my life wishing I
was with the beautiful people

and now I know they
were with me all along.

To quote Judy Garland, there
really is no place like home.

D One night, my way

d And I'll dive in

d And I just feel that

d One night, my night

d And I'm dancing

d I'm not the only one

d One night, my night

d And I'm dancing

d I'm not the only one. d

ENJOY! Do not miss
this tomorrow!