Baywatch (1989–2001): Season 7, Episode 5 - Scorcher - full transcript
When a heat wave hits Baywatch, a long chaotic day begins when a Secret Service agent, named Duddly Dawson, arrives to take charge of the beach after President Clinton wants to jog there while he's in town, and Agent Dawson's antics nearly drive Mitch and Samantha up the wall. Meanwhile, Cody suffers through relentless rescues with Newman as well as a visit by an IRS agent auditing him, and C.J. has to go to a dentist for a root-canal filling. Hobie helps Neely out with various mishaps which include an obnoxious lost child, as well as Manny dealing with two lost kids of his own, and Jordan is stuck with another lost girl who grows attached to her. Also, Caroline meets a homeless man in a garbage can and she later stops him from killing himself and he's apparently the only one who seems to care that today is her birthday.
[OPENING THEME PLAYING]
♪ SOME PEOPLE STAND
IN THE DARKNESS ♪
♪ AFRAID TO STEP
INTO THE LIGHT ♪
♪ SOME PEOPLE NEED
TO HELP SOMEBODY ♪
♪ WHEN THE EDGE OF
SURRENDER'S IN SIGHT ♪
♪ DON'T YOU WORRY
♪ IT'S GONNA BE ALRIGHT
♪ 'CAUSE I'M ALWAYS READY
♪ I WON'T LET YOU
OUT OF MY SIGHT ♪
♪ I'LL BE READY
[I'LL BE READY] ♪
♪ NEVER YOU FEAR
[NO, DON'T YOU FEAR] ♪
♪ I'LL BE READY
♪ FOREVER AND ALWAYS
♪ I'M ALWAYS HERE
♪ BECAUSE I'M ALWAYS READY
♪ I WON'T LET YOU
OUT OF MY SIGHT ♪
♪ I'LL BE READY
[I'LL BE READY] ♪
♪ NEVER YOU FEAR
[NO, DON'T YOU FEAR] ♪
♪ I'LL BE READY
♪ FOREVER AND ALWAYS
♪ I'M ALWAYS HERE.
[REGGAE MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ SAY HELLO TO THESE NEW VIBRATIONS
♪ MAKE YOU WANNA LISTEN TO MY STATION
♪ ALL ALONE AND I KNOW YOUR NEAR ME
-GUESS WHO'S COMING
TO OUR BEACH TODAY?
-WELL, I WILL TELL YOU.
FOR STARTERS,
WE HAVE THREE MONSTER
REGGAE STARS SHOOTING A VIDEO.
-GUESS WHO ELSE IS
COMING TO OUR BEACH TODAY?
-ENLIGHTEN ME.
-SPECIAL AGENT DUDLEY DAWSON,
UNITED STATES SECRET SERVICE.
-SPECIAL AGENT
DAWSON, THIS IS...
-MITCHELL BUCHANNON, 6'4",
193 POUNDS, DIVORCED, EX-WIFE
GAIL, ONE CHILD, SON, HOBIE,
RANK LIEUTENANT. AM I FACTUAL?
-VERY.
-WELL, LIFE OR DEATH,
THAT'S MY BUSINESS.
ONE SMALL SCREW UP
CAN MEAN A HUGE ACCIDENT.
THAT'S WHY I DO MY HOMEWORK.
-WELL, I GUESS
I HAVEN'T DONE MINE.
WHY ARE YOU HERE?
-WELL, I NEED YOUR HELP,
OUR PRESIDENT IS GOING TO
BE TAKING HIS DAILY JOG
ON THIS BEACH TODAY.
-OUR PRESIDENT?
-YES, DOES THAT
DISGRUNTLE YOU?
-DISGRUNTLE ME? NO.
SURPRISE ME? YES.
-YOU ARE A LOYAL AMERICAN?
-YES, I AM A VERY
LOYAL AMERICAN,
I JUST WANNA KNOW WHY OUR
PRESIDENT CHOSE THIS BEACH.
-BECAUSE HE CAN.
HE'S OUR PRESIDENT.
AND I AM HIS POINT MAN.
IT IS MY JOB, SHOULD
IT BECOME NECESSARY,
TO USE MY BODY
AS A SHIELD TO PROTECT
OUR COMMANDER IN CHIEF, OH...
TEN-FOUR, TIGER SHARK, WE WILL
COMMENCE OPERATION RAZORBACK.
ON MY MARK...
ON THREE, TWO, ONE, MARK.
I WILL BE USURPING MUCH OF
YOUR AUTHORITY DURING THE DAY.
I HOPE YOU WON'T BE SLIGHTED,
IT'S A MATTER OF
NATIONAL SECURITY.
THANK YOU.
-NOT EVEN 9:30, THIS COULD
BE ONE MOTHER OF A DAY.
-ROGER THAT, TURTLEDOVE.
-OK, OUT OF THE WAY,
PLEASE, IT'S MY TURN.
HOPEFULLY MY MAKE-UP WILL SET
BEFORE IT STARTS TO MELT AGAIN.
-WHY CAN'T THE AIR CONDITIONING
GO OUT IN THE WINTER TIME?
-BECAUSE THAT'S WHEN THE
HEATING'S GONNA GO OUT.
-OH.
-FUNNY, IT SEEMS TO ME...
IS THERE ANYTHING
SPECIAL ABOUT TODAY?
-IF YOU CALL GETTING A ROOT
CANAL ON YOUR ONLY DAY OFF
IN TWO WEEKS SPECIAL,
THEN TODAY'S PRETTY SPECIAL.
AT LEAST THE DENTIST WILL
HAVE AIR CONDITIONING.
HAVE A NICE DAY.
-YOU TOO.
BIRTHDAY'S
ARE FOR KIDS ANYWAY.
HEY, WHAT'S UP?
-GNARLY RIP CURRENT
FOR STARTERS.
-REALLY, HOW BAD?
-ALMOST AS BAD AS
A ZILLION JELLYFISH
REPORTED ALL THE WAY FROM
POINT DOOM TO VENICE.
-GREAT.
SO WHAT'S WITH ALL THE
BIKERS, DO YOU KNOW?
-OH, IT'S THEIR ANNUAL
SUMMER BBQ AND BEACH BASH.
BASH IN A FUN-LOVING
SENSE, I HOPE.
-SO, ANYTHING INTERESTING
OR EXCITING GOING ON TONIGHT?
-TONIGHT? I'M JUST TRYING
TO GET PAST TODAY.
IT'S VERY HOT,
HOT, HOT, HOT, HOT.
-MAN: HEY MAN,
CHECK THIS GUY OUT!
[SHOUTS OF CONSTERNATION]
-WOMAN: YOU'RE
GONNA KILL SOMEONE!
-MAN: GET OUTTA HERE!
YOU DON'T BELONG HERE!
-OK, I'M LOOKING FOR A
TEN-YEAR-OLD BOY NAMED MARCUS.
I'M HOLDING A JENNY,
FIVE YEARS OLD, BLONDE HAIR,
AND A 7-YEAR-OLD BOY WHO INSISTS
HIS NAME IS ARNOLD
SCHWARZENEGGER, OVER.
MAN, HOW COME I GET
BABYSITTING DETAIL?
[RADIOS CHATTERING
AND PHONES RINGING]
-WOULD YOU BE MR. MADISON?
-AND WOULD YOU BE
MR. PARNELL FROM THE IRS?
-I WOULD, INDEED.
-MR. MADISON, THE
INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE
AGREED TO COME TO YOU
FOR YOUR TAX AUDIT,
OUT OF DEFERENCE TO YOUR JOB
AS A PROTECTOR OF OUR CITIZENS,
BUT OUR APPOINTMENT
WAS SCHEDULED FOR 9:30.
NOT 9:32.
-I'M SORRY I'M LATE, BUT
IT'S JUST TWO LITTLE MINUTES.
I MEAN, NO BIGGIE, RIGHT?
-REALLY? WE'LL SEE.
MAY I EXAMINE YOUR TAX
RECEIPTS FOR LAST YEAR?
-BOY, HOW ABOUT THIS HEATWAVE?
YEAH, I DON'T THINK IT COULD
GET ANY HOTTER, DO YOU?
-ON THE CONTRARY,
I HAVE THE FEELING
THE TEMPERATURE IS JUST
STARTING TO CLIMB.
-CODY, WE GOT A COUPLE
OF KAMIKAZE JET-SKIERS
STRAFING SOME
SURFERS OFF TOWER 18.
-LET'S GO!
HEY, I'M SORRY,
MR. PARNELL, BUT IT'S MY JOB.
I'VE GOT CITIZENS TO PROTECT.
BE BACK SOON
AND WE'LL FINISH THIS UP.
[INTENSE ROCK MUSIC]
-GOT IT.
-MALE JETSKIER: MAN, HERE
COME THE LIFEGUARDS!
-YEAH, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!
-MALE SURFER:
YEAH! GO GET'EM!
-MAKE THEM GO!
[INTENSE ELECTRIC ROCK MUSIC]
-JETSKIER: SPLIT UP!
HIT THE MARINA!
-CUT YOUR ENGINE!
CUT IT NOW!
GRAB ON, TAKE MY BOWLINE.
-CUT YOUR MOTOR!
I SAID, SHUT IT DOWN.
YOU SHOULD LEARN HOW TO LISTEN.
-YES! THAT'LL TEACH YOU!
-HOLD STILL.
HERE, GRAB ON.
-YOU KEEP DRINKING
A LOT OF WATER, ALRIGHT?
WE'RE HAVING A HEATWAVE,
I MEAN, IT'S A REAL
SCORCHER OUT HERE.
HEAT PROSTRATION CAN
REALLY KNOCK YOU OUT!
ALRIGHT.
-YEAH, PRESIDENT'S
REAGAN, BUSH,
WHENEVER THEY WERE
IN LOS ANGELES,
I WAS ALWAYS ON THE
JOB, SCANNING THE CROWD,
RUNNING ALONGSIDE THE LIMOUSINE.
ALWAYS ON GUARD, READY
TO LAY DOWN MY LIFE,
OR WHATEVER IT TOOK.
-CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?
-AS LONG AS IT'S NOT
CLASSIFIED INFORMATION.
-AREN'T YOU HOT IN THAT SUIT?
-SIR, I AM ON DUTY,
I AM PATROLLING MY SECTOR,
ON GUARD FOR ANY KIND
OF SABOTAGE OR VILLAINY.
-AGENT DAWSON, YOU'RE
THE ONLY ONE ON THE BEACH
WEARING A DARK SUIT AND
DRESS SHOES FILLED WITH SAND.
WE ARE HAVING A HEATWAVE.
NOW, DON'T YOU THINK, IF THERE
IS ANY SABOTEUR OR VILLAIN
OUT THERE, THEY'RE GOING TO
KNOW EXACTLY WHO YOU ARE?
-MITCH, THE SWITCHBOARD
AT HEADQUARTERS
IS LIT UP
LIKE A CHRISTMAS TREE.
FIRST OFF, A BUNCH OF GANG
GUYS HASSLED A FISHERMAN,
THEY MADE HIM JUMP OFF THE PIER.
-WHO'S ON IT?
-WELL, BARNET'S RESPONDED,
HE MADE THE RESCUE.
-YEAH, WERE THEY ARMED?
-THE GANG GUYS, I DON'T KNOW.
-WERE THERE ANY
KIND OF ANTI-AMERICAN
CHANTS, SIGNS, SLOGANS?
-I DON'T KNOW THAT EITHER.
-WHAT DID THEY SAY
TO THE FISHERMAN?
-JUMP, I GUESS.
-WHERE'S NEWMIE?
-HE'S ON A CALL WITH CODY.
OH, AND THIS LADY
CALLED IN FROM MALIBU.
SHE SAID A KID CRASHED
HIS HANG GLIDER
INTO HER SWIMMING POOL.
-SOUNDS LIKE
A RECONNAISSANCE FLIGHT TO ME.
-I'M SURE IT WAS,
THE BOY WAS 17,
AND THE LADY WAS
SUNBATHING IN THE NUDE.
IT'S CRAZY OUT THERE,
MITCH, AND IT'S ONLY 10:30.
-ALL RIGHT, CALL
DISPATCH, GET THEM TO RUN
THE LIST OF LIFEGUARDS, TELL'EM
I WANT THEM ALL ON THE SAND.
TELL'EM IT'S OKAY
TO RUN OVERTIME SHIFTS.
-I WANT CONTROL
OF THE PERIMETER.
I WANT YOU TO CLEAR
THIS BEACH NOW.
-YOU WANT ME TO TELL
200,000 PEOPLE TO GO HOME,
THAT THE BEACH IS CLOSED?
-LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,
MY FRIEND, ANY ONE OF
THESE 200,000 PEOPLE COULD
BE A POTENTIAL TERRORIST.
NEED I REMIND YOU, OUR
PRESIDENT IS GOING TO BE JOGGING
ON THIS BEACH AT 16:30 HOURS.
-YOU WATCH A LOT OF
TELEVISION, DON'T YOU?
-CAN YOU FEEL THAT, C.J.?
-UH-UH.
-WELL, I CERTAINLY HOPE NOT.
IT TOOK THREE SHOTS OF
NOVOCAINE TO GET YOU NUMB.
-I CAN'T FEEL A THING.
-GOOD.
[BEEPER RINGS]
-UH-OH, I GOTTA GO.
-WHAT?
-BAYWATCH, CODE 3,
HAFFA GO TO WORK.
[METALLIC CLANGING]
-MOM!
DAD!
MOM!
[WHIMPERS]
-[MUMBLES WITH FROZEN MOUTH]
-WHAT?
-[MUMBLES]
-I CAN'T UNDERSTAND YOU, LADY.
-YO MAMA, MAMA.
-OH, MY MOM?
I DON'T KNOW, SHE'S LOST.
-[MUMBLES]
-WHAT?
-COME ON.
[ELECTRIC ROCK BALLAD]
[SNEAKY MUSIC]
[KID WHINING]
-DISPATCH, WE'VE GOT
A PROCEDURE QUESTION.
MR. SCHWARZENEGGER HERE SAYS
HE NEEDS TO USE THE BATHROOM.
BUT IF I GO WITH HIM,
WHAT DO I DO WITH JENNY?
OVER.
-JORDAN: WE'RE ON OUR
WAY OVER TO YOU, MANNY,
JUST A LITTLE CROWDED.
TAKE ARNOLD INTO THE OCEAN.
JUST KIDDING!
WE'RE ALMOST THERE.
-THIRTY YARDS SOUTH
OF THE ROCK JETTY?
OKAY, HOW FAR APART
ARE THE CONTRACTIONS?
CONTRACTIONS? YOU GOT
A BABY ON THE BEACH?
I'LL SEND A CALL CAR TO
NOTIFY ST. JOHN'S HOSPITAL.
WANNA TOSS A COIN?
-I'LL TAKE IT.
-295, THIS IS SAMANTHA.
[SIREN BLARING]
[WOMAN SCREAMING]
-OK, TAKE IT EASY,
TAKE IT EASY.
WHEN WAS THE LAST CONTRACTION?
[WOMAN SCREAMS
THROUGH HER TEETH]
WHOA, THAT WOULD BE IT.
[WOMAN SCREAMING]
-CHRIS, JENNA, BRING
THE OB KIT OUT HERE.
-YOU NEED ANY HELP? I'M
FIELD QUALIFIED FOR FIRST AID.
-NO, DUDLEY, I THINK
WE GOT IT COVERED.
THE NEW LOOK IS MUCH BETTER.
[WOMAN GASPING]
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
-IT'S ANNE.
-HI, ANNE, HOW ARE YA DOING?
MY NAME IS MITCH, AND THIS
IS JENNA, AND THIS IS CHRIS.
-I'M GONNA HAVE A BABY!
-NOW, DON'T WORRY,
WE'VE DONE THIS BEFORE.
NOW, WE'RE GOING TO CUT
YOUR BATHING SUIT OFF.
KEEP BREATHING, KEEP BREATHING.
WHOA, IT'S ALREADY
CROWNING, HUH?
IT'S ANXIOUS TO GET A TAN!
OK, ON THREE,
I WANT YOU TO PUSH.
ONE, TWO, THREE. PUSH!
[WOMAN SCREAMS]
OH, THERE'S THE HEAD!
COME ON, KEEP PUSHING!
ONE, TWO, THREE. PUSH!
COME ON, ALMOST OUT!
HE'S COMING! HE'S COMING!
PUSH! PUSH!
HE'S ALMOST HERE, I MEAN...
SHE'S HERE!
YOU GOT YOURSELF A LITTLE GIRL.
-IT'S A GIRL.
[BABY CRYING]
-CHRIS, GET SOME SMELLING
SALTS FOR SPECIAL AGENT DAWSON.
-OK, YEAH, I THINK I GOT
ALL OF THE STINGER OUT.
NOW, YOU AREN'T ALLERGIC TO BEE
STINGS OR ANYTHING, ARE YOU?
GOOD, 'CAUSE THESE THINGS
CAN GET REAL BIG, REAL FAST.
THEN ANAPHYLACTIC SHOCK
SETS IN AND...
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
YOU'RE GONNA BE FINE.
-LADY, LADY, LIFEGUARD!
THERE'S A MAN'S HEAD
IN THE TRASH CAN!
IT'S ALL GROSS,
GET IT OUT, PLEASE!
-IT'S JUST A HEAD,
THERE'S NO BODY.
SOMEONE MUST HAVE
CUT UP THE PIECES
LIKE WITH A KNIFE AND
LIKE, I CAN'T STAND IT.
OVER THERE! IT'S SO GROSS!
IT'S OVER THERE.
IT'S RIGHT IN THAT TRASH CAN.
[SCARY MUSIC]
[GROANS]
-MORNING!
-MORNING.
-ARE YOU OK?
THE RIP CURRENT IS
VERY STRONG TODAY.
YOU'VE GOT TO BE CAREFUL, OK?
HELLO.
HI.
-HI!
-WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
-WILLA, WHAT'S YOURS?
-JORDAN, IS THERE
SOMETHING WRONG?
-I'M LOST.
-WELL, LET'S SEE
IF I CAN HELP YOU.
-FIRST AID IS
RIGHT DOWN IN THERE.
THEY'LL COOL OFF THAT
SUNBURN FOR YOU TWO.
-THANKS.
-ENJOY YOUR HONEYMOON.
I'M BACK.
SO HOW'S IT GOING?
-NOT WELL, MR. MADISON.
-IS THERE A PROBLEM?
-SEVERAL.
LET'S START WITH A PROBLEM.
GRANTED, YOUR VOCATION IS
A PROFESSIONAL LIFEGUARD,
HOWEVER LISTING SUNBLOCK
AS A BUSINESS EXPENSE
IS NOT GRANTED.
-NO?
-NO.
-I THOUGHT YOU...
-YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE.
SHALL WE CONTINUE
DOWN OUR LIST?
-BOY: PUT YOUR
CLOTHES BACK ON!
-BOY, OH BOY, OH BOY.
-ALRIGHT, EXCUSE ME,
EXCUSE ME, PLEASE.
LET ME THROUGH.
HI!
-HUH? OH, HI.
-WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
-SHOWERING.
-COULD YOU JUST
GRAB THIS PLEASE?
-BUT I'M NOT DROWNING.
-JUST DO IT QUICKLY,
DISCRETELY, THANKS.
OK, COME ON, SHOW'S OVER.
THANKS, BYE.
YOU'RE THE MAN FROM THE
GARBAGE CAN, AREN'T YOU?
-YEAH.
I LIKE TO THINK OF IT AS A
MOBILE HOME WITH AN OCEAN VIEW.
-WELL, SIR, YOU CAN'T
JUST DO THIS, YOU KNOW?
-NO?
-UH-UH.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
-FELLA.
YOU KNOW, WHEN PEOPLE SAY,
"GET OUTTA HERE, FELLA."
AND "FELLA, WE DON'T LIKE YOU."
THAT'S THE FELLA FELLA.
IT SAVES INTRODUCTIONS.
-RIGHT, FELLA, YOU'RE GONNA
HAVE TO KEEP YOUR CLOTHES ON
OR I'M GOING TO HAVE
TO CALL THE COPS, ALRIGHT?
-YEAH?
-RIGHT.
OH, PERFECT.
UM, WE'LL JUST TRADE!
NICE AND EASY, ON THE
COUNT OF THREE, ALRIGHT?
ONE.
TWO.
THREE.
-GIRL: LIFEGUARD! LIFEGUARD!
-UH, WHAT NEXT?
-YOU SEE HER ANYWHERE?
-NOPE.
-MAN: HEY, LIFEGUARD!
[HONKING HORN]
-DRIVER: WHOO-HOO!
GOD, I LOVE THE BEACH.
HEY, GIRLS!
I'M GOING TO CATALINA!
WHOO-HOO, CATALINA GIRLS!
[ENGINE STRUGGLING]
-DID YOU SEE THAT GUY?
-HE'S LOST, WATCH HIM.
-WASH HIM?
-I SAID, WATCH HIM.
-WHAT?
-WOMAN: LOSER!
-DRIVER: WHOO-HOO!
[LAUGHS]
-OH, HI! WHAT?
AH, COME ON, AH, COME ON NOW.
WAIT, I'M GOING TO CATALINA!
YOU WANNA GO?
WE COULD RUN AW-- WHOA!
WHAT, OH HEY, COME ON, WHAT?
-GREAT, GOOD LUCK!
-WHAT'S UP?
-I'M STARVING, THIS
DAY'S BEEN A NIGHTMARE!
TOO BUSY TO EAT!
WHO'S YOUR PAL?
-HIS NAME'S MIKEY,
HE CAN'T FIND HIS PARENTS,
SO I'M GONNA GO HELP HIM.
-I'LL HELP YOU
IN JUST A MINUTE.
COME TO ME,
YOU GORGEOUS SANDWICH, YOU.
-GIRLS: HEY, HEY!
-UGH, THE NIGHTMARE CONTINUES.
-THIS IS CAPSHAW, TOWER 12,
REQUESTING BACKUP
FOR PORTA-POTTY FIRE.
-ALRIGHT,
I'M GONNA GO HELP HER.
STAY HERE, DON'T MOVE.
[GIRLS SHOUTING FOR HELP]
-OPEN THE DOOR, MIKEY.
-COME ON, MAN, THAT'S
NOT FUNNY, OPEN THE DOOR.
-MY SANDWICH, DON'T YOU
DARE, YOU LITTLE BRAT!
OPEN UP!
-COME ON, OPEN THE DOOR!
[SCOFFS]
[OMINOUS MUSIC]
-HEY, YOU NEED A RIDE?
YOU LOOK LIKE YOU WERE LOSING
STEAM A LITTLE BIT, HUH?
FELLA?
-UH-HUH.
-WELL, IT'S A GOOD THING THAT
FISHING BOAT CALLED YOU IN.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
OUT HERE SO FAR?
-SWIMMING FOR HEAVEN.
-IT'S A PRETTY LONG SWIM.
-NOT BAD ONE WAY.
-YOU LIVE IN TRASH CANS,
YOU TAKE SHOWERS ON THE BEACH,
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
I FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF BECAUSE
I THINK EVERYONE
FORGOT MY BIRTHDAY.
YOU CAN'T GIVE UP, FELLA.
YOU JUST CAN'T, YOU ALWAYS
GOTTA HOLD ON TO SOME HOPE.
-HOPE IS HIGHLY OVERRATED.
-WELL, I'VE BEEN HOLDING
ON TO IT ALL MY LIFE,
I'M NOT ABOUT TO GIVE UP NOW.
COME ON, WHY DO YOU
THINK I'M TRYING
TO HAUL YOUR BUTT OUT
OF THIS WATER, HUH?
I MEAN, I COULD
JUST LET YOU DROWN.
-WHY DIDN'T YOU?
-BECAUSE I HAPPEN TO THINK
THAT YOUR LIFE IS WORTH SAVING.
SO, I'M NOT GOING TO
LET YOU GIVE UP TODAY.
UH-UH, NOT ON MY BIRTHDAY.
ARE YOU READY?
GRAB ON, I'M
BRINGING YOU IN, OK?
-OK.
-THE MINISTER, THE GROOM,
AND THE BLUSHING BRIDE.
YOU KNOW, YOU
SHOULD HAVE CLEARED
YOUR LITTLE STUNT
WITH BAYWATCH,
BEFORE YOU DECIDED ON
AN UNDERWATER WEDDING.
AND YOU, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE ANYWAY, HUH?
YOU CHARGED INTO A BAD SITUATION
AND MADE IT EVEN WORSE.
-THEY COULD HAVE
BEEN TERRORISTS,
AN UNDERWATER ATTACK.
THE BEACH WAS COVERED,
I WAS JUST OFFERING HELP.
-DON'T.
OPERATION RAZORBACK
IS YOUR BUSINESS,
AND I'LL HELP YOU BECAUSE
HE IS MY PRESIDENT,
AND THIS IS MY COUNTRY
AND YOU ASKED ME TO,
BUT FROM NOW ON OPERATION
LIFEGUARD IS OVER,
ON MY MARK, THREE-TWO-ONE, MARK!
-HE'S PRETTY ANGRY, HUH?
-RODGER, DODGER, KNUCKLEHEAD.
[ELECTRONIC POWER BALLAD]
♪ COME TRY IF YOU WANT IT
♪ LIVE LIFE ALL YOUR OWN
♪ KNOW WHY YOU GOT IT ♪
♪ SO HIGH IN THE ZONE ♪
♪ EVERYONE HAS GOT THEIR REASONS
♪ BUT THEY'VE COME HERE TO WIN
♪ OHH
♪ LIVE FAST PLAY HARD
♪ ONE CHANCE WHEN IT'S ALL ABOUT THE GRIND
♪
♪ THINK FAST BE STRONG
♪ OUTLAST CAUSE IT'S ALL ABOUT THE GRIND
♪
♪ SOME LIE SOME TRUSTED
♪ ASK WHY YOU WILL SEE
♪ THIS TIME YOU'RE BUSTED ♪
♪ THE CRIME A SPREE
♪ EVERYONE HAS GOT THEIR DEMONS
♪ THAT THEY FIGHT FROM WITHIN
♪ OHH
♪ LIVE FAST PLAY HARD
♪ ONE CHANCE WHEN IT'S ALL ABOUT THE GRIND
♪
-WHO YOU HOLDING NOW?
-I'VE GOT A 9-YEAR-OLD AFRICAN
AMERICAN GIRL HERE WITH ME.
HER NAME IS WILLA,
SHE SAYS SHE'S LOST,
SHE'S WEARING A
MULTI-COLORED SWIMSUIT.
-GREAT.
-FOUND JENNY'S MOM.
STILL GOT CARROT TOP
AND SCHWARZENEGGER.
-ONE, TWO, THREE,
FOUR, FIVE, SIX, SEVEN.
-MOM: MAKE SURE YOU GET THEIR
BACKS AND THEIR SHOULDERS.
-EXCUSE ME, BUT, HOW MANY
KIDS DO YOU HAVE HERE?
-EIGHT.
-WOW, THAT'S A HANDFUL.
IT MUST BE HARD
TO KEEP TRACK OF.
-YEAH, SOMETIMES YOU TURN YOUR
BACK ON THEM FOR A SECOND AND...
-YEAH...
AND YOU HAVE AN 8-YEAR-OLD
SON NAMED MIKEY, RIGHT?
-WELL, YES, HOW DID YOU KNOW?
-LUCKY GUESS.
-WELL, HE'S RIGHT OVER...
MIKEY?
WHERE'S MIKEY?
-BAYWATCH HEADQUARTERS,
THIS IS CAPSHAW SPEAKING.
I FOUND MIKEY'S FAMILY.
[SIRENS BLARE]
[CHEERING]
-AGENT 1: SECTOR 1, CLEAR.
-AGENT 2: SECTOR 2,
CLEAR, HEADING YOUR WAY.
[TRIUMPHANT MUSIC]
-PRESIDENT: YEAH, THANK YOU.
-AGENT: THIS IS
NEPTUNE, EVERYTHING
IS CLEAR SAILING OUT HERE.
-SO, YOU GOT BEACHES LIKE
THIS UP IN WASHINGTON?
-OH, NOTHING LIKE
SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA.
-HI, HELLO, HOW ARE YA?
[GIRLS CHATTING]
[INTERMITTENT BEEPING]
[FASTER BEEPING]
-HEY, HEY! OVER HERE!
I THINK IT'S A BOMB.
-THIS IS NEWMAN AT 14.
I GOT THIS GUY
WITH A METAL DETECTOR,
HE'S ABOUT 20 YARDS
FROM MY TOWER.
HE'S FOUND SOMETHING
BURIED IN THE SAND.
HE THINKS IT'S A BOMB.
-NEWMIE, KEEP EVERYONE AWAY,
I'M GOING TO ALERT
THE BOMB SQUAD.
-NO, IT'S TOO LATE FOR
THAT, TAKE ME THERE NOW.
COME ON,
LET'S GO, HURRY! GO!
[SIRENS]
-HURRY UP!
DON'T TOUCH IT!
IT'S A BOMB, MAN, COME ON!
-GIVE HIM SOME ROOM.
-MOVE BACK, MOVE BACK.
ALRIGHT, I WANT
YOU TO MOVE BACK.
WAY BACK, MOVE WAY BACK.
[SIREN BLARING]
OK, HOLD IT, JUST STAY THERE.
-HE'S ON HIS WAY.
[HEAVY, AUDIBLE BREATHING]
[CROWD CHEERING]
[CRUNCH SOUND]
-AGENT: GET THE
TUNA BACK IN THE CAN.
WE'VE GOT A BEACHED
WHALE ON A LIVE TORPEDO.
REPEAT, GET THE TUNA
BACK IN THE CAN.
-NEWMIE: OK, PLEASE DON'T
COME ANY CLOSER, JUST STAY BACK.
-HEY, HEY! STOP!
-GET BACK! GET BACK!
-IT'S NOT A BOMB!
-WHAT?
-IT'S MY INTERGALACTIC WARRIOR.
-HUH?
-I'D FORGOTTEN
WHERE I'D BURIED HIM.
YOU BROKE IT, YOU BIG JERK.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
-DUDLEY, THE PRESIDENT'S SAFE.
-HE IS?
-YEAH, LET'S GO.
-OK.
-JERK.
[MELANCHOLY MUSIC]
-WHAT A JERK.
[SPACESHIP NOISES]
-THANKS VERY MUCH,
MR. PRESIDENT,
I REALLY ENJOYED THE JOG.
-SO DID I, MITCH, YOU RUN A
REAL QUIET, RELAXING BEACH HERE.
-WELL, SOME DAYS ARE
A LOT BUSIER THAN OTHERS.
-YEAH, SAME THING IN MY JOB.
IF YOU EVER GET TO WASHINGTON,
WE'LL RUN MY ROUTE.
-LOOK FORWARD TO IT, SIR.
THANKS AGAIN.
-OK.
[SIREN BLARES]
[CROWD CHEERING]
-YEAH, THANKS FOR THE LOAN.
-HEY, NO PROBLEM.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
WHY DON'T YOU KEEP
THESE AS A SOUVENIR?
-NO, THIS IS A DAY I DON'T
WANNA REMEMBER, ACTUALLY.
MITCH, I GOT A LITTLE
CONFESSION HERE,
REMEMBER I TOLD YOU
ABOUT PRESIDENTS BUSH
AND REAGAN BEING IN LOS ANGELES,
HOW I PROTECTED 'EM?
I DIDN'T PROTECT 'EM,
I KINDA JUST STOOD AROUND
THEIR CARS, Y'KNOW?
WHEN THEY WERE IN MEETINGS,
WENT OFF TO THE AIRPORT,
WATCHED AIR FORCE ONE.
THIS WAS MY FIRST CHANCE TO DO
SOMETHING REALLY BIG
AND I SCREWED IT UP.
-YOU DIDN'T SCREW IT UP.
-THAT WASN'T EVEN
A BOMB, MITCH, COME ON.
IT WAS A TOY,
IT WAS A STUPID TOY.
-YEAH, BUT YOU
DIDN'T KNOW THAT.
WHEN YOU DOVE ON IT,
COVERED IT WITH YOUR BODY
TO PROTECT THE PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES,
YOU DID NOT KNOW THAT.
-YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
-THAT TOOK A LOT OF GUTS,
MORE THAN MOST PEOPLE HAVE.
-YOU THINK SO?
-YEAH.
-YOU REALLY MEAN THAT?
-ABSOLUTELY.
-HEY, YOU KNOW,
I'VE GOT A NEPHEW,
MAYBE I COULD USE
THESE AFTER ALL.
THANKS A LOT,
MITCH, I'LL SEE YA.
-OK. HEY, DUDLEY,
TELL YOUR NEPHEW,
WHEN HE WEARS THOSE, NOT TO
WEAR BLACK SHOES AND SOCKS.
-THAT'S A ROGER WILCO, PAL.
-ROGER.
PHEW.
-OH, DON'T WORRY, WE'LL
TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING...
-WILLA!
I'VE BEEN LOOKING EVERYWHERE
FOR YOU, SWEETHEART.
THANK GOD, YOU'RE OK.
IS THIS YOUR DAD?
-YEAH.
-THANK YOU FOR TAKING SUCH
GOOD CARE OF MY LITTLE GIRL.
-SURE, IT'S MY JOB.
-WILLA TOLD ME
SHE GOT LOST ON PURPOSE.
-WHY?
-SHE WANTED TO SPEND
SOME TIME WITH YOU.
YOU SEE, MY DAUGHTER
DIDN'T REALIZE,
THAT SHE COULD GROW UP
AND BECOME A LIFEGUARD
UNTIL TODAY,
UNTIL SHE SAW YOU.
SO THANK YOU.
-THANK YOU.
-FROM BOTH OF US.
-HI!
-HI.
FELLA?
IS THAT YOU?
-I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE ME EITHER.
IT'S ACTUALLY ARTHUR.
LISTEN, I JUST WANTED
TO STOP BY TO THANK YOU
FOR SAVING MY LIFE
THIS MORNING.
AND ALSO TO THANK
YOU FOR REMINDING ME
OF WHAT HOPE IS
REALLY ALL ABOUT.
OH, I GOT YOU A LITTLE...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CAROLINE!
AND I HOPE YOU GET
EVERYTHING YOU WISH FOR.
BYE.
-YOU HAVE TEN WORKING DAYS
TO PAY THE PENALTY, MR. MADISON.
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO THE
INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE.
IT'S BEEN A PLEASURE.
-SO, YOU GONNA TAKE
C.J. OUT TONIGHT?
-OH, NO, NO, NO.
I CAN'T AFFORD TO GO OUT
FOR AT LEAST TEN YEARS.
-SO, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
-GO HOME, LIE DOWN, MAYBE CRY.
-OH, POOR BABY.
WELL, AT LEAST TODAY'S
FINALLY OVER, RIGHT?
-YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN.
[SIRENS BLARE]
-WE GOT A BOAT FIRE!
MULTIPLE VICTIMS,
SIX OR SEVEN KIDS IN THE WATER.
GET IN.
-LET'S GO.
LET'S GO, NEWMIE.
[SIREN BLARES]
-WHERE ARE THEY?
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
WHERE ARE THEY?
[GIGGLING]
-SURPRISE!
[PARTY NOISE-MAKERS]
-YEAH!
-YES!
-WE LOVE YOU, BABY!
[CLOSING THEME PLAYING]
♪ SOME PEOPLE STAND
IN THE DARKNESS ♪
♪ AFRAID TO STEP
INTO THE LIGHT ♪
♪ SOME PEOPLE NEED
TO HELP SOMEBODY ♪
♪ WHEN THE EDGE OF
SURRENDER'S IN SIGHT ♪
♪ DON'T YOU WORRY
♪ IT'S GONNA BE ALRIGHT
♪ 'CAUSE I'M ALWAYS READY
♪ I WON'T LET YOU
OUT OF MY SIGHT ♪
♪ I'LL BE READY
[I'LL BE READY] ♪
♪ NEVER YOU FEAR
[NO, DON'T YOU FEAR] ♪
♪ I'LL BE READY
♪ FOREVER AND ALWAYS
♪ I'M ALWAYS HERE
♪ BECAUSE I'M ALWAYS READY
♪ I WON'T LET YOU
OUT OF MY SIGHT ♪
♪ I'LL BE READY
[I'LL BE READY] ♪
♪ NEVER YOU FEAR
[NO, DON'T YOU FEAR] ♪
♪ I'LL BE READY
♪ FOREVER AND ALWAYS
♪ I'M ALWAYS HERE.
[REGGAE MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ SAY HELLO TO THESE NEW VIBRATIONS
♪ MAKE YOU WANNA LISTEN TO MY STATION
♪ ALL ALONE AND I KNOW YOUR NEAR ME
-GUESS WHO'S COMING
TO OUR BEACH TODAY?
-WELL, I WILL TELL YOU.
FOR STARTERS,
WE HAVE THREE MONSTER
REGGAE STARS SHOOTING A VIDEO.
-GUESS WHO ELSE IS
COMING TO OUR BEACH TODAY?
-ENLIGHTEN ME.
-SPECIAL AGENT DUDLEY DAWSON,
UNITED STATES SECRET SERVICE.
-SPECIAL AGENT
DAWSON, THIS IS...
-MITCHELL BUCHANNON, 6'4",
193 POUNDS, DIVORCED, EX-WIFE
GAIL, ONE CHILD, SON, HOBIE,
RANK LIEUTENANT. AM I FACTUAL?
-VERY.
-WELL, LIFE OR DEATH,
THAT'S MY BUSINESS.
ONE SMALL SCREW UP
CAN MEAN A HUGE ACCIDENT.
THAT'S WHY I DO MY HOMEWORK.
-WELL, I GUESS
I HAVEN'T DONE MINE.
WHY ARE YOU HERE?
-WELL, I NEED YOUR HELP,
OUR PRESIDENT IS GOING TO
BE TAKING HIS DAILY JOG
ON THIS BEACH TODAY.
-OUR PRESIDENT?
-YES, DOES THAT
DISGRUNTLE YOU?
-DISGRUNTLE ME? NO.
SURPRISE ME? YES.
-YOU ARE A LOYAL AMERICAN?
-YES, I AM A VERY
LOYAL AMERICAN,
I JUST WANNA KNOW WHY OUR
PRESIDENT CHOSE THIS BEACH.
-BECAUSE HE CAN.
HE'S OUR PRESIDENT.
AND I AM HIS POINT MAN.
IT IS MY JOB, SHOULD
IT BECOME NECESSARY,
TO USE MY BODY
AS A SHIELD TO PROTECT
OUR COMMANDER IN CHIEF, OH...
TEN-FOUR, TIGER SHARK, WE WILL
COMMENCE OPERATION RAZORBACK.
ON MY MARK...
ON THREE, TWO, ONE, MARK.
I WILL BE USURPING MUCH OF
YOUR AUTHORITY DURING THE DAY.
I HOPE YOU WON'T BE SLIGHTED,
IT'S A MATTER OF
NATIONAL SECURITY.
THANK YOU.
-NOT EVEN 9:30, THIS COULD
BE ONE MOTHER OF A DAY.
-ROGER THAT, TURTLEDOVE.
-OK, OUT OF THE WAY,
PLEASE, IT'S MY TURN.
HOPEFULLY MY MAKE-UP WILL SET
BEFORE IT STARTS TO MELT AGAIN.
-WHY CAN'T THE AIR CONDITIONING
GO OUT IN THE WINTER TIME?
-BECAUSE THAT'S WHEN THE
HEATING'S GONNA GO OUT.
-OH.
-FUNNY, IT SEEMS TO ME...
IS THERE ANYTHING
SPECIAL ABOUT TODAY?
-IF YOU CALL GETTING A ROOT
CANAL ON YOUR ONLY DAY OFF
IN TWO WEEKS SPECIAL,
THEN TODAY'S PRETTY SPECIAL.
AT LEAST THE DENTIST WILL
HAVE AIR CONDITIONING.
HAVE A NICE DAY.
-YOU TOO.
BIRTHDAY'S
ARE FOR KIDS ANYWAY.
HEY, WHAT'S UP?
-GNARLY RIP CURRENT
FOR STARTERS.
-REALLY, HOW BAD?
-ALMOST AS BAD AS
A ZILLION JELLYFISH
REPORTED ALL THE WAY FROM
POINT DOOM TO VENICE.
-GREAT.
SO WHAT'S WITH ALL THE
BIKERS, DO YOU KNOW?
-OH, IT'S THEIR ANNUAL
SUMMER BBQ AND BEACH BASH.
BASH IN A FUN-LOVING
SENSE, I HOPE.
-SO, ANYTHING INTERESTING
OR EXCITING GOING ON TONIGHT?
-TONIGHT? I'M JUST TRYING
TO GET PAST TODAY.
IT'S VERY HOT,
HOT, HOT, HOT, HOT.
-MAN: HEY MAN,
CHECK THIS GUY OUT!
[SHOUTS OF CONSTERNATION]
-WOMAN: YOU'RE
GONNA KILL SOMEONE!
-MAN: GET OUTTA HERE!
YOU DON'T BELONG HERE!
-OK, I'M LOOKING FOR A
TEN-YEAR-OLD BOY NAMED MARCUS.
I'M HOLDING A JENNY,
FIVE YEARS OLD, BLONDE HAIR,
AND A 7-YEAR-OLD BOY WHO INSISTS
HIS NAME IS ARNOLD
SCHWARZENEGGER, OVER.
MAN, HOW COME I GET
BABYSITTING DETAIL?
[RADIOS CHATTERING
AND PHONES RINGING]
-WOULD YOU BE MR. MADISON?
-AND WOULD YOU BE
MR. PARNELL FROM THE IRS?
-I WOULD, INDEED.
-MR. MADISON, THE
INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE
AGREED TO COME TO YOU
FOR YOUR TAX AUDIT,
OUT OF DEFERENCE TO YOUR JOB
AS A PROTECTOR OF OUR CITIZENS,
BUT OUR APPOINTMENT
WAS SCHEDULED FOR 9:30.
NOT 9:32.
-I'M SORRY I'M LATE, BUT
IT'S JUST TWO LITTLE MINUTES.
I MEAN, NO BIGGIE, RIGHT?
-REALLY? WE'LL SEE.
MAY I EXAMINE YOUR TAX
RECEIPTS FOR LAST YEAR?
-BOY, HOW ABOUT THIS HEATWAVE?
YEAH, I DON'T THINK IT COULD
GET ANY HOTTER, DO YOU?
-ON THE CONTRARY,
I HAVE THE FEELING
THE TEMPERATURE IS JUST
STARTING TO CLIMB.
-CODY, WE GOT A COUPLE
OF KAMIKAZE JET-SKIERS
STRAFING SOME
SURFERS OFF TOWER 18.
-LET'S GO!
HEY, I'M SORRY,
MR. PARNELL, BUT IT'S MY JOB.
I'VE GOT CITIZENS TO PROTECT.
BE BACK SOON
AND WE'LL FINISH THIS UP.
[INTENSE ROCK MUSIC]
-GOT IT.
-MALE JETSKIER: MAN, HERE
COME THE LIFEGUARDS!
-YEAH, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!
-MALE SURFER:
YEAH! GO GET'EM!
-MAKE THEM GO!
[INTENSE ELECTRIC ROCK MUSIC]
-JETSKIER: SPLIT UP!
HIT THE MARINA!
-CUT YOUR ENGINE!
CUT IT NOW!
GRAB ON, TAKE MY BOWLINE.
-CUT YOUR MOTOR!
I SAID, SHUT IT DOWN.
YOU SHOULD LEARN HOW TO LISTEN.
-YES! THAT'LL TEACH YOU!
-HOLD STILL.
HERE, GRAB ON.
-YOU KEEP DRINKING
A LOT OF WATER, ALRIGHT?
WE'RE HAVING A HEATWAVE,
I MEAN, IT'S A REAL
SCORCHER OUT HERE.
HEAT PROSTRATION CAN
REALLY KNOCK YOU OUT!
ALRIGHT.
-YEAH, PRESIDENT'S
REAGAN, BUSH,
WHENEVER THEY WERE
IN LOS ANGELES,
I WAS ALWAYS ON THE
JOB, SCANNING THE CROWD,
RUNNING ALONGSIDE THE LIMOUSINE.
ALWAYS ON GUARD, READY
TO LAY DOWN MY LIFE,
OR WHATEVER IT TOOK.
-CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?
-AS LONG AS IT'S NOT
CLASSIFIED INFORMATION.
-AREN'T YOU HOT IN THAT SUIT?
-SIR, I AM ON DUTY,
I AM PATROLLING MY SECTOR,
ON GUARD FOR ANY KIND
OF SABOTAGE OR VILLAINY.
-AGENT DAWSON, YOU'RE
THE ONLY ONE ON THE BEACH
WEARING A DARK SUIT AND
DRESS SHOES FILLED WITH SAND.
WE ARE HAVING A HEATWAVE.
NOW, DON'T YOU THINK, IF THERE
IS ANY SABOTEUR OR VILLAIN
OUT THERE, THEY'RE GOING TO
KNOW EXACTLY WHO YOU ARE?
-MITCH, THE SWITCHBOARD
AT HEADQUARTERS
IS LIT UP
LIKE A CHRISTMAS TREE.
FIRST OFF, A BUNCH OF GANG
GUYS HASSLED A FISHERMAN,
THEY MADE HIM JUMP OFF THE PIER.
-WHO'S ON IT?
-WELL, BARNET'S RESPONDED,
HE MADE THE RESCUE.
-YEAH, WERE THEY ARMED?
-THE GANG GUYS, I DON'T KNOW.
-WERE THERE ANY
KIND OF ANTI-AMERICAN
CHANTS, SIGNS, SLOGANS?
-I DON'T KNOW THAT EITHER.
-WHAT DID THEY SAY
TO THE FISHERMAN?
-JUMP, I GUESS.
-WHERE'S NEWMIE?
-HE'S ON A CALL WITH CODY.
OH, AND THIS LADY
CALLED IN FROM MALIBU.
SHE SAID A KID CRASHED
HIS HANG GLIDER
INTO HER SWIMMING POOL.
-SOUNDS LIKE
A RECONNAISSANCE FLIGHT TO ME.
-I'M SURE IT WAS,
THE BOY WAS 17,
AND THE LADY WAS
SUNBATHING IN THE NUDE.
IT'S CRAZY OUT THERE,
MITCH, AND IT'S ONLY 10:30.
-ALL RIGHT, CALL
DISPATCH, GET THEM TO RUN
THE LIST OF LIFEGUARDS, TELL'EM
I WANT THEM ALL ON THE SAND.
TELL'EM IT'S OKAY
TO RUN OVERTIME SHIFTS.
-I WANT CONTROL
OF THE PERIMETER.
I WANT YOU TO CLEAR
THIS BEACH NOW.
-YOU WANT ME TO TELL
200,000 PEOPLE TO GO HOME,
THAT THE BEACH IS CLOSED?
-LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,
MY FRIEND, ANY ONE OF
THESE 200,000 PEOPLE COULD
BE A POTENTIAL TERRORIST.
NEED I REMIND YOU, OUR
PRESIDENT IS GOING TO BE JOGGING
ON THIS BEACH AT 16:30 HOURS.
-YOU WATCH A LOT OF
TELEVISION, DON'T YOU?
-CAN YOU FEEL THAT, C.J.?
-UH-UH.
-WELL, I CERTAINLY HOPE NOT.
IT TOOK THREE SHOTS OF
NOVOCAINE TO GET YOU NUMB.
-I CAN'T FEEL A THING.
-GOOD.
[BEEPER RINGS]
-UH-OH, I GOTTA GO.
-WHAT?
-BAYWATCH, CODE 3,
HAFFA GO TO WORK.
[METALLIC CLANGING]
-MOM!
DAD!
MOM!
[WHIMPERS]
-[MUMBLES WITH FROZEN MOUTH]
-WHAT?
-[MUMBLES]
-I CAN'T UNDERSTAND YOU, LADY.
-YO MAMA, MAMA.
-OH, MY MOM?
I DON'T KNOW, SHE'S LOST.
-[MUMBLES]
-WHAT?
-COME ON.
[ELECTRIC ROCK BALLAD]
[SNEAKY MUSIC]
[KID WHINING]
-DISPATCH, WE'VE GOT
A PROCEDURE QUESTION.
MR. SCHWARZENEGGER HERE SAYS
HE NEEDS TO USE THE BATHROOM.
BUT IF I GO WITH HIM,
WHAT DO I DO WITH JENNY?
OVER.
-JORDAN: WE'RE ON OUR
WAY OVER TO YOU, MANNY,
JUST A LITTLE CROWDED.
TAKE ARNOLD INTO THE OCEAN.
JUST KIDDING!
WE'RE ALMOST THERE.
-THIRTY YARDS SOUTH
OF THE ROCK JETTY?
OKAY, HOW FAR APART
ARE THE CONTRACTIONS?
CONTRACTIONS? YOU GOT
A BABY ON THE BEACH?
I'LL SEND A CALL CAR TO
NOTIFY ST. JOHN'S HOSPITAL.
WANNA TOSS A COIN?
-I'LL TAKE IT.
-295, THIS IS SAMANTHA.
[SIREN BLARING]
[WOMAN SCREAMING]
-OK, TAKE IT EASY,
TAKE IT EASY.
WHEN WAS THE LAST CONTRACTION?
[WOMAN SCREAMS
THROUGH HER TEETH]
WHOA, THAT WOULD BE IT.
[WOMAN SCREAMING]
-CHRIS, JENNA, BRING
THE OB KIT OUT HERE.
-YOU NEED ANY HELP? I'M
FIELD QUALIFIED FOR FIRST AID.
-NO, DUDLEY, I THINK
WE GOT IT COVERED.
THE NEW LOOK IS MUCH BETTER.
[WOMAN GASPING]
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
-IT'S ANNE.
-HI, ANNE, HOW ARE YA DOING?
MY NAME IS MITCH, AND THIS
IS JENNA, AND THIS IS CHRIS.
-I'M GONNA HAVE A BABY!
-NOW, DON'T WORRY,
WE'VE DONE THIS BEFORE.
NOW, WE'RE GOING TO CUT
YOUR BATHING SUIT OFF.
KEEP BREATHING, KEEP BREATHING.
WHOA, IT'S ALREADY
CROWNING, HUH?
IT'S ANXIOUS TO GET A TAN!
OK, ON THREE,
I WANT YOU TO PUSH.
ONE, TWO, THREE. PUSH!
[WOMAN SCREAMS]
OH, THERE'S THE HEAD!
COME ON, KEEP PUSHING!
ONE, TWO, THREE. PUSH!
COME ON, ALMOST OUT!
HE'S COMING! HE'S COMING!
PUSH! PUSH!
HE'S ALMOST HERE, I MEAN...
SHE'S HERE!
YOU GOT YOURSELF A LITTLE GIRL.
-IT'S A GIRL.
[BABY CRYING]
-CHRIS, GET SOME SMELLING
SALTS FOR SPECIAL AGENT DAWSON.
-OK, YEAH, I THINK I GOT
ALL OF THE STINGER OUT.
NOW, YOU AREN'T ALLERGIC TO BEE
STINGS OR ANYTHING, ARE YOU?
GOOD, 'CAUSE THESE THINGS
CAN GET REAL BIG, REAL FAST.
THEN ANAPHYLACTIC SHOCK
SETS IN AND...
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
YOU'RE GONNA BE FINE.
-LADY, LADY, LIFEGUARD!
THERE'S A MAN'S HEAD
IN THE TRASH CAN!
IT'S ALL GROSS,
GET IT OUT, PLEASE!
-IT'S JUST A HEAD,
THERE'S NO BODY.
SOMEONE MUST HAVE
CUT UP THE PIECES
LIKE WITH A KNIFE AND
LIKE, I CAN'T STAND IT.
OVER THERE! IT'S SO GROSS!
IT'S OVER THERE.
IT'S RIGHT IN THAT TRASH CAN.
[SCARY MUSIC]
[GROANS]
-MORNING!
-MORNING.
-ARE YOU OK?
THE RIP CURRENT IS
VERY STRONG TODAY.
YOU'VE GOT TO BE CAREFUL, OK?
HELLO.
HI.
-HI!
-WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
-WILLA, WHAT'S YOURS?
-JORDAN, IS THERE
SOMETHING WRONG?
-I'M LOST.
-WELL, LET'S SEE
IF I CAN HELP YOU.
-FIRST AID IS
RIGHT DOWN IN THERE.
THEY'LL COOL OFF THAT
SUNBURN FOR YOU TWO.
-THANKS.
-ENJOY YOUR HONEYMOON.
I'M BACK.
SO HOW'S IT GOING?
-NOT WELL, MR. MADISON.
-IS THERE A PROBLEM?
-SEVERAL.
LET'S START WITH A PROBLEM.
GRANTED, YOUR VOCATION IS
A PROFESSIONAL LIFEGUARD,
HOWEVER LISTING SUNBLOCK
AS A BUSINESS EXPENSE
IS NOT GRANTED.
-NO?
-NO.
-I THOUGHT YOU...
-YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE.
SHALL WE CONTINUE
DOWN OUR LIST?
-BOY: PUT YOUR
CLOTHES BACK ON!
-BOY, OH BOY, OH BOY.
-ALRIGHT, EXCUSE ME,
EXCUSE ME, PLEASE.
LET ME THROUGH.
HI!
-HUH? OH, HI.
-WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
-SHOWERING.
-COULD YOU JUST
GRAB THIS PLEASE?
-BUT I'M NOT DROWNING.
-JUST DO IT QUICKLY,
DISCRETELY, THANKS.
OK, COME ON, SHOW'S OVER.
THANKS, BYE.
YOU'RE THE MAN FROM THE
GARBAGE CAN, AREN'T YOU?
-YEAH.
I LIKE TO THINK OF IT AS A
MOBILE HOME WITH AN OCEAN VIEW.
-WELL, SIR, YOU CAN'T
JUST DO THIS, YOU KNOW?
-NO?
-UH-UH.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
-FELLA.
YOU KNOW, WHEN PEOPLE SAY,
"GET OUTTA HERE, FELLA."
AND "FELLA, WE DON'T LIKE YOU."
THAT'S THE FELLA FELLA.
IT SAVES INTRODUCTIONS.
-RIGHT, FELLA, YOU'RE GONNA
HAVE TO KEEP YOUR CLOTHES ON
OR I'M GOING TO HAVE
TO CALL THE COPS, ALRIGHT?
-YEAH?
-RIGHT.
OH, PERFECT.
UM, WE'LL JUST TRADE!
NICE AND EASY, ON THE
COUNT OF THREE, ALRIGHT?
ONE.
TWO.
THREE.
-GIRL: LIFEGUARD! LIFEGUARD!
-UH, WHAT NEXT?
-YOU SEE HER ANYWHERE?
-NOPE.
-MAN: HEY, LIFEGUARD!
[HONKING HORN]
-DRIVER: WHOO-HOO!
GOD, I LOVE THE BEACH.
HEY, GIRLS!
I'M GOING TO CATALINA!
WHOO-HOO, CATALINA GIRLS!
[ENGINE STRUGGLING]
-DID YOU SEE THAT GUY?
-HE'S LOST, WATCH HIM.
-WASH HIM?
-I SAID, WATCH HIM.
-WHAT?
-WOMAN: LOSER!
-DRIVER: WHOO-HOO!
[LAUGHS]
-OH, HI! WHAT?
AH, COME ON, AH, COME ON NOW.
WAIT, I'M GOING TO CATALINA!
YOU WANNA GO?
WE COULD RUN AW-- WHOA!
WHAT, OH HEY, COME ON, WHAT?
-GREAT, GOOD LUCK!
-WHAT'S UP?
-I'M STARVING, THIS
DAY'S BEEN A NIGHTMARE!
TOO BUSY TO EAT!
WHO'S YOUR PAL?
-HIS NAME'S MIKEY,
HE CAN'T FIND HIS PARENTS,
SO I'M GONNA GO HELP HIM.
-I'LL HELP YOU
IN JUST A MINUTE.
COME TO ME,
YOU GORGEOUS SANDWICH, YOU.
-GIRLS: HEY, HEY!
-UGH, THE NIGHTMARE CONTINUES.
-THIS IS CAPSHAW, TOWER 12,
REQUESTING BACKUP
FOR PORTA-POTTY FIRE.
-ALRIGHT,
I'M GONNA GO HELP HER.
STAY HERE, DON'T MOVE.
[GIRLS SHOUTING FOR HELP]
-OPEN THE DOOR, MIKEY.
-COME ON, MAN, THAT'S
NOT FUNNY, OPEN THE DOOR.
-MY SANDWICH, DON'T YOU
DARE, YOU LITTLE BRAT!
OPEN UP!
-COME ON, OPEN THE DOOR!
[SCOFFS]
[OMINOUS MUSIC]
-HEY, YOU NEED A RIDE?
YOU LOOK LIKE YOU WERE LOSING
STEAM A LITTLE BIT, HUH?
FELLA?
-UH-HUH.
-WELL, IT'S A GOOD THING THAT
FISHING BOAT CALLED YOU IN.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
OUT HERE SO FAR?
-SWIMMING FOR HEAVEN.
-IT'S A PRETTY LONG SWIM.
-NOT BAD ONE WAY.
-YOU LIVE IN TRASH CANS,
YOU TAKE SHOWERS ON THE BEACH,
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
I FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF BECAUSE
I THINK EVERYONE
FORGOT MY BIRTHDAY.
YOU CAN'T GIVE UP, FELLA.
YOU JUST CAN'T, YOU ALWAYS
GOTTA HOLD ON TO SOME HOPE.
-HOPE IS HIGHLY OVERRATED.
-WELL, I'VE BEEN HOLDING
ON TO IT ALL MY LIFE,
I'M NOT ABOUT TO GIVE UP NOW.
COME ON, WHY DO YOU
THINK I'M TRYING
TO HAUL YOUR BUTT OUT
OF THIS WATER, HUH?
I MEAN, I COULD
JUST LET YOU DROWN.
-WHY DIDN'T YOU?
-BECAUSE I HAPPEN TO THINK
THAT YOUR LIFE IS WORTH SAVING.
SO, I'M NOT GOING TO
LET YOU GIVE UP TODAY.
UH-UH, NOT ON MY BIRTHDAY.
ARE YOU READY?
GRAB ON, I'M
BRINGING YOU IN, OK?
-OK.
-THE MINISTER, THE GROOM,
AND THE BLUSHING BRIDE.
YOU KNOW, YOU
SHOULD HAVE CLEARED
YOUR LITTLE STUNT
WITH BAYWATCH,
BEFORE YOU DECIDED ON
AN UNDERWATER WEDDING.
AND YOU, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE ANYWAY, HUH?
YOU CHARGED INTO A BAD SITUATION
AND MADE IT EVEN WORSE.
-THEY COULD HAVE
BEEN TERRORISTS,
AN UNDERWATER ATTACK.
THE BEACH WAS COVERED,
I WAS JUST OFFERING HELP.
-DON'T.
OPERATION RAZORBACK
IS YOUR BUSINESS,
AND I'LL HELP YOU BECAUSE
HE IS MY PRESIDENT,
AND THIS IS MY COUNTRY
AND YOU ASKED ME TO,
BUT FROM NOW ON OPERATION
LIFEGUARD IS OVER,
ON MY MARK, THREE-TWO-ONE, MARK!
-HE'S PRETTY ANGRY, HUH?
-RODGER, DODGER, KNUCKLEHEAD.
[ELECTRONIC POWER BALLAD]
♪ COME TRY IF YOU WANT IT
♪ LIVE LIFE ALL YOUR OWN
♪ KNOW WHY YOU GOT IT ♪
♪ SO HIGH IN THE ZONE ♪
♪ EVERYONE HAS GOT THEIR REASONS
♪ BUT THEY'VE COME HERE TO WIN
♪ OHH
♪ LIVE FAST PLAY HARD
♪ ONE CHANCE WHEN IT'S ALL ABOUT THE GRIND
♪
♪ THINK FAST BE STRONG
♪ OUTLAST CAUSE IT'S ALL ABOUT THE GRIND
♪
♪ SOME LIE SOME TRUSTED
♪ ASK WHY YOU WILL SEE
♪ THIS TIME YOU'RE BUSTED ♪
♪ THE CRIME A SPREE
♪ EVERYONE HAS GOT THEIR DEMONS
♪ THAT THEY FIGHT FROM WITHIN
♪ OHH
♪ LIVE FAST PLAY HARD
♪ ONE CHANCE WHEN IT'S ALL ABOUT THE GRIND
♪
-WHO YOU HOLDING NOW?
-I'VE GOT A 9-YEAR-OLD AFRICAN
AMERICAN GIRL HERE WITH ME.
HER NAME IS WILLA,
SHE SAYS SHE'S LOST,
SHE'S WEARING A
MULTI-COLORED SWIMSUIT.
-GREAT.
-FOUND JENNY'S MOM.
STILL GOT CARROT TOP
AND SCHWARZENEGGER.
-ONE, TWO, THREE,
FOUR, FIVE, SIX, SEVEN.
-MOM: MAKE SURE YOU GET THEIR
BACKS AND THEIR SHOULDERS.
-EXCUSE ME, BUT, HOW MANY
KIDS DO YOU HAVE HERE?
-EIGHT.
-WOW, THAT'S A HANDFUL.
IT MUST BE HARD
TO KEEP TRACK OF.
-YEAH, SOMETIMES YOU TURN YOUR
BACK ON THEM FOR A SECOND AND...
-YEAH...
AND YOU HAVE AN 8-YEAR-OLD
SON NAMED MIKEY, RIGHT?
-WELL, YES, HOW DID YOU KNOW?
-LUCKY GUESS.
-WELL, HE'S RIGHT OVER...
MIKEY?
WHERE'S MIKEY?
-BAYWATCH HEADQUARTERS,
THIS IS CAPSHAW SPEAKING.
I FOUND MIKEY'S FAMILY.
[SIRENS BLARE]
[CHEERING]
-AGENT 1: SECTOR 1, CLEAR.
-AGENT 2: SECTOR 2,
CLEAR, HEADING YOUR WAY.
[TRIUMPHANT MUSIC]
-PRESIDENT: YEAH, THANK YOU.
-AGENT: THIS IS
NEPTUNE, EVERYTHING
IS CLEAR SAILING OUT HERE.
-SO, YOU GOT BEACHES LIKE
THIS UP IN WASHINGTON?
-OH, NOTHING LIKE
SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA.
-HI, HELLO, HOW ARE YA?
[GIRLS CHATTING]
[INTERMITTENT BEEPING]
[FASTER BEEPING]
-HEY, HEY! OVER HERE!
I THINK IT'S A BOMB.
-THIS IS NEWMAN AT 14.
I GOT THIS GUY
WITH A METAL DETECTOR,
HE'S ABOUT 20 YARDS
FROM MY TOWER.
HE'S FOUND SOMETHING
BURIED IN THE SAND.
HE THINKS IT'S A BOMB.
-NEWMIE, KEEP EVERYONE AWAY,
I'M GOING TO ALERT
THE BOMB SQUAD.
-NO, IT'S TOO LATE FOR
THAT, TAKE ME THERE NOW.
COME ON,
LET'S GO, HURRY! GO!
[SIRENS]
-HURRY UP!
DON'T TOUCH IT!
IT'S A BOMB, MAN, COME ON!
-GIVE HIM SOME ROOM.
-MOVE BACK, MOVE BACK.
ALRIGHT, I WANT
YOU TO MOVE BACK.
WAY BACK, MOVE WAY BACK.
[SIREN BLARING]
OK, HOLD IT, JUST STAY THERE.
-HE'S ON HIS WAY.
[HEAVY, AUDIBLE BREATHING]
[CROWD CHEERING]
[CRUNCH SOUND]
-AGENT: GET THE
TUNA BACK IN THE CAN.
WE'VE GOT A BEACHED
WHALE ON A LIVE TORPEDO.
REPEAT, GET THE TUNA
BACK IN THE CAN.
-NEWMIE: OK, PLEASE DON'T
COME ANY CLOSER, JUST STAY BACK.
-HEY, HEY! STOP!
-GET BACK! GET BACK!
-IT'S NOT A BOMB!
-WHAT?
-IT'S MY INTERGALACTIC WARRIOR.
-HUH?
-I'D FORGOTTEN
WHERE I'D BURIED HIM.
YOU BROKE IT, YOU BIG JERK.
[CROWD LAUGHING]
-DUDLEY, THE PRESIDENT'S SAFE.
-HE IS?
-YEAH, LET'S GO.
-OK.
-JERK.
[MELANCHOLY MUSIC]
-WHAT A JERK.
[SPACESHIP NOISES]
-THANKS VERY MUCH,
MR. PRESIDENT,
I REALLY ENJOYED THE JOG.
-SO DID I, MITCH, YOU RUN A
REAL QUIET, RELAXING BEACH HERE.
-WELL, SOME DAYS ARE
A LOT BUSIER THAN OTHERS.
-YEAH, SAME THING IN MY JOB.
IF YOU EVER GET TO WASHINGTON,
WE'LL RUN MY ROUTE.
-LOOK FORWARD TO IT, SIR.
THANKS AGAIN.
-OK.
[SIREN BLARES]
[CROWD CHEERING]
-YEAH, THANKS FOR THE LOAN.
-HEY, NO PROBLEM.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
WHY DON'T YOU KEEP
THESE AS A SOUVENIR?
-NO, THIS IS A DAY I DON'T
WANNA REMEMBER, ACTUALLY.
MITCH, I GOT A LITTLE
CONFESSION HERE,
REMEMBER I TOLD YOU
ABOUT PRESIDENTS BUSH
AND REAGAN BEING IN LOS ANGELES,
HOW I PROTECTED 'EM?
I DIDN'T PROTECT 'EM,
I KINDA JUST STOOD AROUND
THEIR CARS, Y'KNOW?
WHEN THEY WERE IN MEETINGS,
WENT OFF TO THE AIRPORT,
WATCHED AIR FORCE ONE.
THIS WAS MY FIRST CHANCE TO DO
SOMETHING REALLY BIG
AND I SCREWED IT UP.
-YOU DIDN'T SCREW IT UP.
-THAT WASN'T EVEN
A BOMB, MITCH, COME ON.
IT WAS A TOY,
IT WAS A STUPID TOY.
-YEAH, BUT YOU
DIDN'T KNOW THAT.
WHEN YOU DOVE ON IT,
COVERED IT WITH YOUR BODY
TO PROTECT THE PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES,
YOU DID NOT KNOW THAT.
-YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
-THAT TOOK A LOT OF GUTS,
MORE THAN MOST PEOPLE HAVE.
-YOU THINK SO?
-YEAH.
-YOU REALLY MEAN THAT?
-ABSOLUTELY.
-HEY, YOU KNOW,
I'VE GOT A NEPHEW,
MAYBE I COULD USE
THESE AFTER ALL.
THANKS A LOT,
MITCH, I'LL SEE YA.
-OK. HEY, DUDLEY,
TELL YOUR NEPHEW,
WHEN HE WEARS THOSE, NOT TO
WEAR BLACK SHOES AND SOCKS.
-THAT'S A ROGER WILCO, PAL.
-ROGER.
PHEW.
-OH, DON'T WORRY, WE'LL
TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING...
-WILLA!
I'VE BEEN LOOKING EVERYWHERE
FOR YOU, SWEETHEART.
THANK GOD, YOU'RE OK.
IS THIS YOUR DAD?
-YEAH.
-THANK YOU FOR TAKING SUCH
GOOD CARE OF MY LITTLE GIRL.
-SURE, IT'S MY JOB.
-WILLA TOLD ME
SHE GOT LOST ON PURPOSE.
-WHY?
-SHE WANTED TO SPEND
SOME TIME WITH YOU.
YOU SEE, MY DAUGHTER
DIDN'T REALIZE,
THAT SHE COULD GROW UP
AND BECOME A LIFEGUARD
UNTIL TODAY,
UNTIL SHE SAW YOU.
SO THANK YOU.
-THANK YOU.
-FROM BOTH OF US.
-HI!
-HI.
FELLA?
IS THAT YOU?
-I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE ME EITHER.
IT'S ACTUALLY ARTHUR.
LISTEN, I JUST WANTED
TO STOP BY TO THANK YOU
FOR SAVING MY LIFE
THIS MORNING.
AND ALSO TO THANK
YOU FOR REMINDING ME
OF WHAT HOPE IS
REALLY ALL ABOUT.
OH, I GOT YOU A LITTLE...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CAROLINE!
AND I HOPE YOU GET
EVERYTHING YOU WISH FOR.
BYE.
-YOU HAVE TEN WORKING DAYS
TO PAY THE PENALTY, MR. MADISON.
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO THE
INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE.
IT'S BEEN A PLEASURE.
-SO, YOU GONNA TAKE
C.J. OUT TONIGHT?
-OH, NO, NO, NO.
I CAN'T AFFORD TO GO OUT
FOR AT LEAST TEN YEARS.
-SO, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
-GO HOME, LIE DOWN, MAYBE CRY.
-OH, POOR BABY.
WELL, AT LEAST TODAY'S
FINALLY OVER, RIGHT?
-YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN.
[SIRENS BLARE]
-WE GOT A BOAT FIRE!
MULTIPLE VICTIMS,
SIX OR SEVEN KIDS IN THE WATER.
GET IN.
-LET'S GO.
LET'S GO, NEWMIE.
[SIREN BLARES]
-WHERE ARE THEY?
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
WHERE ARE THEY?
[GIGGLING]
-SURPRISE!
[PARTY NOISE-MAKERS]
-YEAH!
-YES!
-WE LOVE YOU, BABY!
[CLOSING THEME PLAYING]