Batman (1966–1968): Season 2, Episode 1 - Shoot a Crooked Arrow - full transcript

A warm, serene
afternoon in Gotham City.

The merest hint of a
breeze ruffles the leaves...

of the majestic trees that
inhabit the back lawn...

of stately Wayne Manor.

Scarcely the moment for
crime to rear its ugly head.

Press on, merry marksmen. We've
much to do ere night descends. Hyah!

I've run it up the flagpole back
at home base, Mr. Wayne...

and I'm not sure we
should award the money...

- to the poor denizens of Gotham City.
- No?

As administrative head of public
relations, I recommend against it.

You realize, Mr. Dale, that the
foundation had already decided for it.



But with this arch
Archer criminal...

- traversing our byways...
- Oh, yes, Archer.

I wonder if that much
cash will be safe.

Mr. Dale, as chief trustee
of the Wayne Foundation...

I can assure you
that it is entirely safe.

Gotham City is in no
danger from criminals.

Stand back whilst I have at it.

The legal tender
awaits our liberation.

- Do we take our leave?
- The quicker the more advisable, sire.

Parting is such sweet sorrow.

Well put, sire.

A quote from some
obscure playwright.

Thank you, Archer. You've
kept the wolf from our door.

You're all heart and
a yard wide, Big John.



Aw, bless the ground
that you cry on, Mr. Tuck.

Uh-oh.

Egads! We are on the
verge of incarceration.

Fear not...

for I have prepared a sneezing
powder arrow to harangue their nostrils.

Let us make our egress with
the utmost dispatch. Hyah!

I shall secure him
without further delay, sir.

Was, uh, anyone hurt?

No, it was a rather mild gas
with hardly any aftereffects.

Our butler, Alfred, was out
shopping for the morning...

and revived us
with smelling salts.

There's that little
business in the study, sir.

- Oh, yes.
- Golly.

- Uh, please excuse us, Chief O'Hara.
- Yes, yes.

Yes, commissioner.

I've heard from Chief O'Hara that
The Archer, that rapacious rapscallion...

has returned to taunt
the people of Gotham City.

- Yes, and he robbed the home of Bruce Wayne.
- How did you know about that, Batman?

It's my business to
know. We'll come right in.

To the Batpoles.

- They distributed the money to the poor?
- Most of it has already been turned in.

Once the people of Gotham City knew
it was stolen, they wanted no part of it.

A tribute to their
character and moral fiber.

This Archer seems to
have you at his mercy.

That malfeasant marksman.

I'm going to tell the trustees
at the Wayne Foundation...

not to make the proposed grant.

- Why not?
- We're chatting about $10 million...

in cash money being distributed
through our annual poverty program.

We must make sure that the
millions won't end up in the hands...

of that blackguard.

The Wayne Foundation
is doing a wonderful job...

supplementing the
administration's policies.

And with Batman and
Robin on our side...

you can be sure no harm
will befall that money.

Stand back, everybody. This
could be one of Archer's tricks.

- Oh, my eyes!
- I'm blinded!

- I'm blind, sir. I'm blind.
- I can't see. My eyes. I'm blinded.

- Blackguard!
- Chief!

Now heed this.

I'm gonna rob from the
rich and give to the poor.

How unoriginal.

I came to warn thee, all of thee.
- I can't see a thing.

I don't want anybody interfering
with my robbing or giving, understand?

Or the poor people in Gotham
City will rise up and revolt.

To them, I am the spirit of benevolence
and I will brook no interference.

- Let's get him, Batman.
- Get back, I say!

Let us depart, Archer.

We've nary an excess moment.

Batman, where are you?

A fond cheerio.

A bit of a tweet-tweet, and a
pip-pip and pleasant dreams.

There they go around the corner.
Let's see if we can catch them.

He certainly is a
spectacular man.

That he is. And the Boy
Wonder is pretty good too.

I was talking about The Archer.

A good publicity campaign...

and he'd replace Batman
as the public's favorite.

Understand this, Mr. Dale.

Someone might be able to substitute
for Batman for a very short time...

but no one could
ever replace him.

That Archer sure is a
tough cookie, Batman.

"Stale" is a better
adjective, Robin.

Hey, who are you?

He must be new in Gotham City.

He's from Philadelphia.

- How did you know? BATMAN:
You dipped your diphthong.

People from Philadelphia
are known for that.

We're Batman and
Robin, the crime-fighters.

Are you a vocal group?

I beg your pardon.

I thought perhaps you might be a
singing duo, the, uh, outfits and all that.

No, we're duly deputized
officers of the law.

You may return to
your business, citizen.

Holy Houdini!
They've disappeared.

Excuse me, miss.

Have you seen three men on
horseback riding in this neighborhood?

Three men on a horse in
downtown Gotham City, Batman?

I think you've been
working too hard.

Thanks anyway, miss.

Your marksmanship, for a fortnight now we
have robbed the rich and given to the poor.

Aye, and with nary a
doubloon for our own pocket.

Hath not the time
arisen for personal profit?

Patience and hold thy tongue.

We have one more crime to
commit before the big caper.

I wish youse guys would quit talking
so funny and get down to business.

Batman and Robin
will get youse...

and I'll have blown two
weeks driving a truck.

Cease and desist, woman. I
have other things on my mind.

I must devise a plan to pry the location
of the Batcave out of Batman and Robin.

Uh, why doth that
make any difference?

It is rumored that those
caped sheriffs of Gothamham...

hath a machine that can
predict any criminal's next ploy.

We must seize and destroy said
machine or suffer the consequences.

Marilyn, call
Commissioner Gordon.

Yes, I've got it. The Archer will be
distributing money to poor people...

at the corner of Neptune Avenue
and Twentieth Street at precisely 4:00.

Thank you for your help, miss.

Well, O'Hara, this may be the
break we've been waiting for.

Are you gonna call
the Dynamic Duo, sir?

Wouldn't you?

Say, what is this?

Mr. Bannister,
thy time has come.

If you didn't get your change back
from one of my candy machines...

- take it up to the complaint department.
- Gentlemen, string thy bows.

If it's about the coin shortage, I
swear, I'll put them back into circulation.

Not nearly so fast as we shalt.

- Now, sire?
- Now.

Hey, everybody, come on now!

Hooray for Archer!

Come on, everybody.
Boo the Batman.

Come on, everybody. Boo it up.

- Phooey on Batman.
- Batman.

Batman!

Phooey on Batman. Phooey.

A fine bunch of creeps
youse guys turned out to be.

With your fancy
talk and everything.

What ingratitude.

That's what I get for aligning
myself with a kindergarten dropout.

The town is in an
uproar, Batman.

The Archer has been
glorified by everyone.

And the poor folks have pooled
their pennies to make his bail.

Fifty thousand smackers in
milk bottle deposit money...

which probably would
have gone for food.

Don't they understand
how he's trying to fool them?

That elusive
lure of easy living.

Talk about fooling all
the people all the time.

The Archer made this statement
just after he was bailed out.

Thank thee compatriots
of Gotham City.

Thank thee for thy faith.

Let it be now known to one and all, I
have foresworn my deeds of the past.

Rich people of Gotham City, thee
may quake no more in thy boots.

Yea and verily, I shall
no longer rob thee.

I've programmed the Batfile of addresses to
look up any variation of the word "Archer."

Ofttimes a criminal will be listed
under a nom de crime similar to his own.

Nope. All of those
are legitimate people.

What was it that Allan A.
Dale said about Archer?

The people think he may
be another Robin Hood.

Ah. And what was
Robin Hood's real name?

I've read about
that in English class.

He was also known as the,
uh, outlawed earl of Huntington.

Mm. Let's see what the
Batfile has to say about that.

Look. There it is.

An archery range
owned by Earl Huntington.

And Sherwood Avenue is in the
Green Forest section of Gotham City.

This might be what
we're looking for, Robin.

I hope so. We've got to expose him
before he does even more damage.

- Right.
- But how?

How what, Master Robin?

The Archer has sworn never again to
rob from the rich and give to the poor.

But he had nothing to say about
robbing the poor to make himself rich.

You think that may
be his overall plan?

And I wouldn't be surprised if it ultimately
involved the Wayne Foundation grant.

Heaven forfend.

Alfred, in your youth,
you were familiar...

with the long-, the short-and
the crossbow, were you not?

Yes, indeed, sir. I was known
as the William Tell of Liverpool.

And you've been prepared to join
us in our crime-fighting, have you not?

To serve you in any capacity, sir, has
always been my duty and my pleasure.

Excellent. While Robin and I
are finding Archer's hideout...

here's all you need to do.

Ah.

I, uh, should like to purchase
a few shillings worth of arrows.

Doth thou, uh, fancy
thyself a bowman?

Yes. Of the highest caliber.

I've yet to meet a
man who's my match.

You may have met him now.

Spoken like a true competitor.

Mayhaps thou would care to
make a small wager on the outcome?

Ah.

Would, uh, a pound note?

Done and done.

After you, sir.

Thank you.

- Doth the heathen have a chance?
- Not a smidgeon.

Archer will soon
puncture his confidence.

You know something?

Youse guys ought to use American
titles under youse when youse talk.

Like in the foreign pictures.

Holy Inquisition.

This is about the most frightening
chamber of horrors I've ever seen.

Let's just hope that Alfred can keep them
busy while we take strategic positions...

and wait to trap them.

Mediocre, sir.

Watch some superior bowmanship.

We lose more arrows that way.

Let us continue.

First man who misses
splitting an arrow is the loser.

Hey, Archer.

Somebody's fooling
around in your playroom.

The signal just went on.

Uh-huh. Then take the
necessary measures.

We've been trapped. - Not yet.

I'll cut us free
with my Bat-knife.

Well, thank you so much for
a very fine afternoon's sport.

But, uh, I have
to be going. Heh.

- Upon my soul. He doth wish to leave.
- Doth thee indeed?

Yes, I do. Yes. I have a
pressing engagement elsewhere.

Not by the hair of
thy chinny chin chin.

I believe thou were sent
here to occupy our time...

whilst someone scoured
our underground hideaway.

Extraordinary idea. No, no, no. I...
I'm merely an innocent bystander.

If that be the case, fear not.

Thou hath nothing
to fear but thy life.

Seize him.

But I...

I've tried every devious
trick in my quiver of terror...

but thou still refuseth to disclose
the location of the Batcave.

You'll have to kill us before
we tell you where the Batcave is.

Methinkest thou
speakest a stream of truth.

Therefore, I will kill the
innocent bystander in thy stead.

Prepare him, gentlemen.

Holy hostage. Don't
let them do it, Batman.

We'll have to leave that
decision to the innocent bystander.

I would rather
lay down my life...

than impair the efficiency
of Batman and Robin.

Very well then. Go to it, lads.

Happy landing, old man.

Thou hadst a good
head on thy shoulders.

Whilst it lasted.

You'll pay for this, you fiends.

It was all for the best, Robin.

How can you say that?

Look.

He's all right, and
you knew it all the time.

It's a guillotine often used by stage
magicians. I recognized it at once.

He was in no danger whatsoever.

Very well then.

Let the varlets down.

Archer, I've been
meaning to ask you...

about that machine. What is it?

I purloined it from the castle
of a television producer...

who makes alleged
comedy programs.

It can duplicate any
laugh from a giggle...

to a guffaw...

and all the chortles and
chuckles betwixt and between.

But I've grown weary
of this fiddledeedee.

I entertain suggestions for their
demise from my worthy aides-de-camp.

Enclose them in a room full
of imported California smog.

They wouldn't last five minutes.

I have a more engaging notion.

Batman, I offer thee
a sporting proposition.

A fair duel on
the field of honor.

I accept that challenge.

Maid Marilyn, start
the machine forthwith.

Gentlemen, 'tis time to offer them
a bellyful of our steel. Shall we?

- As you wish, sire.
- Your wish is my deed.

Let's smite the varlets. Ha!