Batman (1966–1968): Season 2, Episode 2 - Walk the Straight and Narrow - full transcript

We have already seen stately
Wayne Manor looted by the Archer...

and his merry marksmen.

He robbeth from the rich
and giveth to the poor.

Batman and Robin called in to
investigate Bruce and Dick's loss.

Allan A. Dale questions
their efficiency...

and how right he is.

The villains take off.

And the dynamic duo
make a new friend.

And meet a pretty wench.

But whose side is she on?

The rich get poorer...



and the poor get richer.

Batman and Robin on the job.

But Archer is released on bail.

And where has he gone?
That is the question...

which Alfred may help answer.

But it's all for naught.

Alfred subjected to
the unkindest cut of all.

It's legerdemain and
Batman knew it all the time.

Batman and Robin staked out.

The Archer plans to run
them through with lances.

Those of faint heart, look away.

The most petrifying proceedings
have not yet come to pass.

There's no way out, Batman!

It's always darkest
before the dawn, Robin.



And since we're at the very
bottom, there's no place to go but up.

The Bat Springs, now!

We've got your number, Archer.

Impossible, my dear sheriff of
Gothamham My number's unlisted.

Marilyn, push the cheer button.

It's broken.

Thou hast destroyed my audience.

Thou hast smashed my
ego-making machine asunder...

and rendered me helpless.

Come on!

- Let's go after them, Batman.
- No. By the time we reach the Batmobile...

- they will have disappeared.
- But...

It's all right. We'll
nab them, Robin.

Now, let's free Alfred.

Mm. I like that cape, Batman.

Very chic. Wash and wear?

We're not here to discuss
my wardrobe, Mr. Dale.

As administrative head
of the Wayne Foundation...

one could presume that you've been in
charge of the money from the beginning.

We checked with Bruce Wayne
and he doesn't know a thing about it.

He doesn't know that I am in
charge of the foundation's money?

Of course he does. He is a rather
dull chap but he is not that stupid.

Well, what about it?

The 10 million dollars.

Did Mr. Wayne send you
here to ask me that question?

Every large foundation
has its secrets.

And employees trusted
to keep those secrets.

Understandably, Mr. Wayne is concerned
about the handling of such a large sum...

and the problem of
its reaching each...

of the 100,000 Gotham
Cityites to which it's assigned.

I'll be no problem.

Confidentially, it's coming in directly from
the government printing plant at the mint.

And a very reputable firm is
delivering it to me personally.

- When?
- Where?

Oh, come, Batman, surely
you can't expect me to reveal...

what is obviously
such secret information.

And certainly not without a letter
of approval from Mr. Wayne...

or another of the trustees.

- Is the money in cash?
- Yes, Boy Wonder.

Ten million dollars in
crisp new 100-dollar bills.

Do you realize, sir, what might
happen if any criminal got wind of this?

You misjudge the foundation's
security measures, Batman.

Now, if there's nothing else.

No, that's all, Mr. Dale.

Good day.

Well...

As I said, he came to the Wayne
Foundation highly recommended.

Fair is fair, Robin.

No man's honesty should be
suspect without good and clear cause.

Of course, Batman.

I really gotta hand
it to you, Archer.

Hiding us out here in the
basement at police headquarters...

really was a great idea.

Oh, Marilyn, Marilyn, Marilyn.

Wouldst that thou couldst
learn to speak proper English.

We couldst make such
beautiful speeches together.

Oh, come off it, Archer.

Everybody knows we come
from the same neighborhood.

Be thou silent, wench.
Loose lips sink ships.

Ships. Wait a minute.

Ships, Ships. Not a bad idea.

I placed our horses in the
stables with the sheriff's horses...

so we garner the benefit of free
lodging for our steeds to boot.

Good, good.

Thou correctly determined the last
place the police would look for us...

was under their red-veined
noses. And thou was right.

I are seldom wrong.

Cut!

Get out of here.

Who goest there? Speakest now
or forevermore hold thy tongue.

Hi ho, everybody.

Salutations, Allan A.
Dale. What sayest thou?

Just this: Batman
and the Boy Wonder...

may have a bit of a sticky
wicket planned for you.

Sticky wicket? Thou speaketh
in a unique vernacular.

I speaketh, as we say
on Madison Avenue...

about our gentlemen's
agreement, Archer.

I was to alert you to the location of
the money when you were cut me in.

Try that on for size.

It fitteth.

Pray continue. DALE: Hmm.

Well...

my latest survey tells
me that the armored car...

- I don't like it.
- There's nobody on the street.

Who could be firing at us?

That's brilliant, sire, brilliant.
- Excellent, my liege.

Just a little device I built in my
spare time at the prison machine shop.

So all right, already. You're gonna break
your arm patting yourself on the back.

I'll deal with you anon.

All right. Calculate the
trajectory, mon fusiliers.

- Yes, my liege.
- Draw!

One, two, three!

- Somebody's stealing the money.
- I know, I know.

For Pete's sake, whoever it
was didn't take any of the money.

It looks like they jumbled it around,
but they didn't even steal a bag.

Eight hours have passed
since that strange turn of events.

And meanwhile, at
stately Wayne Manor...

- Hello.
- Bruce, this is Police Commissioner Gordon.

- Yes, commissioner. Nice to talk to you again.
- This is just a reminder call.

You are going to attend the
official ceremonies at city hall today?

Yes, today is the day that the
Wayne Foundation is giving its gifts...

- to Gotham City's needy.
- It should be very exciting.

Batman and Robin, the Boy
Wonder, will also be in attendance...

to make certain no incidents occur.
I am sure you'll wanna meet them.

Yes, they've been great
favorites of mine for years.

- I'll see you later, commissioner.
- Right.

Aunt Harriet, something's come
up that requires my attention.

- Dick's too.
- It has?

- Oh.
- Immediately.

Excuse us, Aunt Harriet.

- Alfred.
- What's up, Bruce?

- We've got trouble.
- Trouble?

Real trouble, right here in
Gotham City. But I've got an idea.

Alfred, meet us in the
Batcave. To the Batpoles.

- Aren't you getting dressed for work?
- No. Not this time, Robin.

I have to attend an official
function as Bruce Wayne...

and Batman is
supposed to be there too.

How can I be of service, sir?

We're trying to figure out how
Batman and Bruce Wayne...

can be in the same
place at the same time.

- A knotty problem, sir, if I may say so.
- No, there's a solution, Alfred.

- You'll have to change your clothes.
- My...?

- My clothes, sir?
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, they, uh... They
want a picture now.

I understand you almost
lost the money, Mr. Dale.

Yes, but as you can see,
their efforts were unsuccessful.

But who knows what
might have happened...

if we'd had to depend
on those two up there.

I pray our deception
succeeds, Master Robin.

Just puff up your chest
and look virile, Alfred.

- Good to see you.
- Thank you.

Oh, glad you could come, Bruce.

- Certainly a fine day for the ceremony.
- Yes, I wouldn't have missed it for anything.

Who is that doing the honor?

Mr. Marshall Roland, Gotham City
commissioner in charge of poor people.

An old fraternity
brother of mine of G.C.U.

Look, they're about to start.

My fellow citizens
of Gotham City...

it is not often a person gets to
preside at such an auspicious occasion.

Due to the gracious generosity
of the Wayne Foundation...

we are here today to carry on
the work of that fine organization.

Hear, hear.

I do so wish
he'd get on with it.

Sounds as if he's
electioneering for governor.

- He's already been governor.
- Old habits are hard to break.

And now, we will present the
money in reverse alphabetical order.

Will Mr. Zoltan Zorba
please step forward?

That's great, go ahead.

Go on, get up there.

Looks like it's going
smoothly, Alfred.

Hey. What are you
trying to pull here?

This bill is counterfeit!

They're trying to hoodwink us!

What kind of phony
deal you trying to pull?

Friends, this is a fraud!

They're trying to take us
in! It's counterfeit money!

They say there's
something rotten in Denmark.

Something's rotten in Gotham,
and it's right here, in phony money!

So the Archer struck
even before the fact.

- I better call Batman down.
- An excellent idea, commissioner.

But I've got to call the office and
see if the insurance covers this loss.

I quite understand, Mr. Wayne.

Chief, let me have that.

Batman! Boy Wonder! Please
come down! We need you!

We'll be right
there, commissioner!

- I'm afraid we're in for it now, Master Robin.
- Bruce will be with us in a minute, Alfred.

Just as soon as he finds a place
he can change into his Batman outfit.

Let's go.

I thought you'd be
changing by now, Bruce.

There's no time for that now,
Robin. We'll have to do it another way.

Just speak into this, Alfred.

I've already pre-set the Bat Speech
Imitator so that my own voice will come out.

- Splendid. It will help hide my mustache.
- Good thinking, Alfred.

You're on your
own now, old chum.

I can't understand what's
taking Batman so long.

Usually he'd simply
swing down via his Batrope.

He should be here any moment.

Here they are now.

Yes, commissioner. What's wrong?

That infernal Archer has outwitted
us. The money is counterfeit.

Holy deviltry!

Say, Batman, are you all right?

I have a bit of a cold,
Commissioner Gordon.

I thought it might
be infectious.

- I don't want anyone to catch it.
- Ha-ha-ha!

Just like Batman. Always
thinking of his fellow man.

- What do you think happened?
- The money was switched during the night.

Ten million dollars. This
is the crime of the century.

Don't worry, sir. Batman
always gets his man.

Say, Boy Wonder, uh...

Batman looks a little, uh,
thinner these days. Is he all right?

Uh, except for
the cold, he's fine.

Well, tell him to get some relaxation
and make sure to eat all his vegetables.

I'll tell him, sir.

How did I do, Master Robin?

You could have fooled
me. Let's go, Alfred.

- Bruce will meet us back at the Batcave.
- Right you are, sir.

That swaggering churl and his
guttersnipes made good their threat.

- This will probably mean my job.
- I'm sure Batman and Robin will get them.

Oh, I fear those
piratical desperadoes...

have already unbuckled their
swashes and fled Gotham City.

- Arrivederci, Mr. Wayne.
- You're, uh... You're leaving?

I hie me now to Fire Cove
for a bit of the bounding main.

Allow me to offer you
my hearty handclasp.

Keep in touch, won't you?

You can be sure
you'll hear from me.

Phew! Gosh, Batman.
We're really up a tree this time.

Even the Bat
Crimeputer struck out.

There's a large mural here.

And one small piece of canvas must be brushed
in before we can get the entire picture.

Let's fill it in. The armored
car was attacked at dawn...

and the only ones who knew about
the money delivery were you, I and...

- Allan A. Dale.
- Correct.

And the money was brand new
and in serial-number sequence.

Archer wouldn't dare
try to spend the money...

because all the banks in the
country will be on the lookout for it.

But where did he... I
fancy the word is stash.

All that money until
the heat was removed?

There's only one place in the world
where the heat would be off: Switzerland.

Of course. I read about
it in my economics class.

And they give you an account
number so you can remain anonymous.

That's correct, Robin. It's as
plain as the masks on our faces.

The Archer said we could never
obtain his number because it was...

- Unlisted.
- Correct.

And Allan A. Dale went
boating at Fire Cove.

- Do you know where Fire Cove is?
- Well, I've spent many a summer there, sir.

It's the last spot of land one sees
before going out to open water.

- That leads to Europe.
- Precisely.

And Commissioner Gordon said he
had the roads and the airplanes covered.

But the Archer has
signaled two if by sea.

To the Batboat via Batmobile.

Officer! Officer! I
don't understand this.

How come Batman gets
away with driving so fast...

cutting around corners,
going through lights?

Why, if I did that I'd be
in jail the rest of my life.

Batman is a duly deputized
officer of the law, ma'am.

And if he is not pursuing
a dangerous criminal...

he drives more safely than
any motorist I've ever seen.

In his off-hours, he lectures on traffic
safety to driving classes all over Gotham City.

No, ma'am. If ever you see
Batman driving speedily...

you can be sure that he is endangering
his life to protect yours and mine.

Stand by to raise the foc's'le
and mains'le and the tops'le!

And do it on the double-quick
or I'll keelhaul you!

I just love that kind of talk.

I think I'll go downstairs
to the kitchen.

Thou meanest the galley.

Oh, whatever you
say, Archer baby.

Now, heed this:
Scrape the barnacles...

pump the bilge, me scurvy
crew, then hard alee to Marseille.

- Mr. Archer?
- Thou speakest?

I'm getting seasick already.

And we've not yet left port.

You'll all be more than seasick by
the time we get through with you.

Avast, me hearties.
Draw thy bows.

Quick, Robin, the Batshield.

Fire one, fire two!
Abandon boat.

Take to the sword.

Don't let them get away, fellows.
Slice them into small pieces.

By thunder, thee will
walk the plank yet.

Holy Blackbeard!

Carve them up, swabbies, or
thee will all hang from the yardarm.

Hey, you guys.

I doff my cowl to
you, Maid Marilyn.

Fair is fair.

Et tu, Brute. Ugh!

Not bad, Dick.
Let me give it try.

Well done, sir. And
you too, Master Dick.

But if I may, I'd like to show you how
we use to do it in merry old England.

We could use a
few pointers, Alfred.

And now, Master Dick,
if you'll do the honors...

I'll show you that my nickname
of William Tell was no jest.

Uh, I'd rather not, Alfred.

- Not that I don't trust you or anything.
- Oh.

Dick is right, Alfred. We shouldn't
take any unnecessary chances.

- Oh, very well, sir.
- Here, I'll put it on the target for you.

Oh, thank you, Master Dick.
Yes. You must be very careful.

Draw the bow back
very, very slowly...

until you reach the desired degree
of tension on your bowstring. Hmm?

And then sight the target...
- Okay.

In this is manner and
release very smoothly like this.

- Right between the eyes!
- You were saying?

Heh. I do believe I forgot
to dust the Batcave, sir.

Yes. Heh.

If you'll excuse me.