Batman (1966–1968): Season 1, Episode 5 - The Joker Is Wild - full transcript

Gotham State Penitentiary...

one of the state's
busier locations.

On the surface, an institution
of mortar and stone...

steel bars and rigid discipline.

But as we have seen before...

Warden Crichton's advanced
theories of penology...

make it a place where
recreation is part of reform.

And entertainment plays an
important role in containment.

Fire it to me
baby, fire it to me!

Well, I got to hand it to
your boss, Warden Crichton.

He's done a remarkable
job with the Joker.



Yes. He's brought modern
penology a long way, chief.

I never thought I'd see the
day when the likes of him...

would be content to play baseball
rather than plotting a prison break.

Come on, walk it off.

Coming.

That's strike three. You're out!

You know, that's the one
true joy in the warden's life...

the rehabilitation of
a hardened criminal.

It warms his heart.

That's strike three!

Out of the way,
baby. Out of the way.

All right, Joker, this is
the one. Fire it, baby.

All right, batter. Be a
hitter this time. Be a hitter.

Come on, babe.
Fire at me. Fire at me.



Great Scott.
Right over the wall.

The devil. He sprung himself.

Sprung? You can say that again.

The Joker, sprung from the pen?

Right under our noses,
commissioner. He got clean away.

Well, get back as fast
as you can, Chief O'Hara.

In the meantime, if it is the
Joker that we're up against...

that Clown Prince of Crime...

there's only one man
who can handle this.

I don't have to tell you who.

Sorry, inspector, don't
have the time. Make it later.

And in Wayne Manor...

stately residence of
millionaire Bruce Wayne...

and his young
ward, Dick Grayson.

I'll call him, sir.

I'm afraid you're going to have
to practice more diligently, Dick.

You're just not making
any progress with Chopin.

Gee, whiz, Aunt Harriet. What's
so important about Chopin?

All music is important, Dick.

It's the universal language.

One of our best hopes for the eventual
realization of the brotherhood of man.

Gosh, Bruce, yes. You're right.
I'll practice harder from now on.

- Ahem. Your, uh, snack, Master Dick.
- Oh, thank you, Alfred.

Batphone, sir.

Uh, we better get a move on if we're
gonna make it to that ballgame on time.

Holy Koufax, you mean...

I mean, I didn't know it
was getting so late, Bruce.

Ballgame, indeed.

I don't know what I'm going
to do with that boy, Alfred.

He just doesn't seem to have any
appreciation for the finer things in life.

No, indeed, madam.

What is it, commissioner?

- The Joker?
- Not him again.

- How soon can you get here?
- Quick as a flash, commissioner.

To the Batpoles.

Gigantic coiled spring secretly
fashioned in the prison machine shop.

- Holy jack-in-the-box.
- Exactly, Boy Wonder.

Propelled him over the wall before
the guards could get a shot at him.

Ingenious.

Only the Joker
would think of that.

You searched the area outside?

Sure and we did and found
nothing but the net he landed in.

But inside at the base of that
spring, they discovered this.

A good likeness.

A good likeness but a bad joke. Laughing
at us for letting him get away like that.

It might be more than
a joke, Chief O'Hara.

Batman's right.
It could be a clue.

- A clue?
- Sure. The crime wave he's plotting.

But why would he leave
you a clue, Batman?

He might not mean to.

It's a trait of the criminal
mind, the urge to boast.

It often leads to the
criminal's giving himself away.

A bust mounted on a pedestal.

A bust, a pedestal.

Where does one usually find
a bust mounted on a pedestal?

- In a museum.
- Right.

- Or in a Hall of Fame.
- Or in both.

Exactly. A perfect setup for
one of the Joker's jolly crimes.

I don't understand, Batman.

This very day, the Gotham Museum
of Modern Art opened a new exhibit.

A Comedians Hall of Fame.

And I read in the paper, they
were not going to include the Joker.

Just the thing to make
him wanna get even.

Of course. The museum also
houses a fabulous jewel collection.

- Oh, Chief, why didn't we think of that?
- Me hats off to you, Batman.

Save the compliments, Chief
O'Hara. Our job has just begun.

Come on, Robin. We've got a
date at the Gotham Museum.

Oh, there he is! It's
Robin, the Boy Wonder!

That's okay,
Batman, don't worry.

Thanks, officer.

Police emergency,
clear the museum.

We think there may be
a daring crime plotted.

Yes, yes, of course.

Strange. Look.

The Joker.

He's included in the
Comedians Hall of Fame after all.

- Maybe the paper made a mistake.
- Or else...

Attention, ladies and gentlemen,
the museum is now closing for the day.

We will reopen
tomorrow at 10:00.

Move promptly to
the exits, please.

- You were saying, Batman, "or else"?
- I don't know.

Museum officials could have heard
about the Joker's prison break...

and hastily included him.

Sure. So as not to enrage
him to stealing the jewels.

Or else this whole thing could be a trick
to divert us from his real intentions.

Holy red herring.
How will we find out?

Let's look up the
director of the museum.

What's the matter, Batman?

No. No, it's nothing.

It's just for a second there, I
could've sworn I saw that statue move.

Ha, ha. Sure looks life-like.

It's almost as if I could hear
that hateful harlequin laughing.

Come on, let's
find the director.

Quick, where do
we find the director?

The Administrative Annex,
entrance next door, Batman.

Thanks. Sorry about
the early closing.

Lock it up good and tight.
The Joker's on the loose again.

Don't worry about him
getting in, Batman. No, sir.

Once I get these doors locked,
the museum is burglarproof.

No one could break into it.

Come on, Robin.

- Ready to lock up, Mr. Hollis.
- Coming.

Come, my comic cohorts in crime.

Come, Oliver.

Come, Stanley.

Come, Ernie.

W.C. Fields, come, come.

Come, my puckish
partners in plunder.

Batman has been outwitted and
the fabulous jewel collection is ours.

Strange. No answer. I wonder.

- What is it, Batman?
- Something that guard said.

All he said was that the
museum was burglarproof.

Yes. But then he
added something else.

He said no one
could break into it.

- Holy stuffy.
- Exactly, Robin.

That doesn't mean
that someone couldn't...

- break out.
- Break out.

- Guard! Guard!
- Smash the lock.

Oh, how delicious it is.

The Joker outwits Batman...

and steals the fabulous jewel collection
right out from under his nose. Ha, ha!

Oh, my playful pilfering
pals, how delicious it is.

- We hate to sound a sour note, Joker.
- But it's time for us to make our own collection.

Destroy them.

Watch out, Batman.

Batman!

We have two more jewels for
our collection, my comic cronies.

Batman and Robin, the
dashing diamonds of derring-do.

Come, my funny fellows...

we've got a little
diamond cutting to do.

Is Batman to become just another
jewel in the Clown Prince's crown?

Here's a joke on you, you fiend.

This is the end
of your evil career.

That cursed utility
belt again, is it?

I swear by all that's funny...

I shall never be foiled by that
insidious, unconstitutional device again.

Two heads are better than one.

Could this be a threat?

Will the Joker keep his vow?

Can he? How?

Gotham Pier Amusement Park.

What more appropriate place
to find the hideout of the Joker?

Never again will Batman
have the advantage over me...

with that utility belt of his.

No, never again will that
ghastly girdle thwart my plans...

for I, the Clown Prince of
Crime, have found the answer to it.

- What is it, Joker?
- My own utility belt. Ha, ha!

- Gee, terrific. Can I try it on?
- Hands off, you fool.

It is for me only. Me,
your merry master.

Secrets of my precious property.

- What does it do, Joker?
- Everything. It's my Aladdin's lamp.

- Gee, can I make a wish on it?
- Do, my pretty.

Gee, I'd like a million
bucks, a sable wrap.

Ah, commonplace.

- A two-week ocean cruise?
- Extraordinary.

- What, Joker?
- Just the thing.

The most astonishing
coup anyone ever pulled.

Queenie, quick. Get
me that newspaper.

Here you are, Joker.

"SS Gotham, the new super luxury liner
going to be launched this Saturday." Yes!

Gosh. You think you could use your utility
belt to, uh, get me a cruise on the SS Gotham?

A cruise, mere petty pilfering.

I'll get you the whole ship.

- What?
- The whole ship?

- How, Joker?
- Ah.

First steps first.

- Our old nemesis, Batman.
- He'll try to stop us.

Exactly, exactly.

We must first eliminate
Batman from the scene.

Since you're the majority stockholder
in Gotham Shipping Lines, Bruce...

I hope you'll be pleased to hear
that I've arranged for Batman...

and the Boy Wonder to
christen the SS Gotham...

when she is
launched on Saturday.

What is it, commissioner?
What does it mean?

It looked like a
clown doll to me.

- It's that chaplain of chicanery again.
- The Joker.

Could he be subconsciously
pointing toward his next crime?

- Maybe he's gonna rob the circus.
- Oh, no, no, no. The circus left town last week.

Batman should know
about this immediately.

I'm sorry, commissioner,
but Batman is out for the day.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir. I'll
leave word that you called.

He's not there.

- What are we to do now, commissioner?
- I just don't know.

Well, don't worry, commissioner. I'm
sure the police department can handle it.

Uh, Dick and I are already
late for that Chopin concert.

- If you need anything, please let us know.
- Yes, I'll do that, Bruce.

Oh, by the way, it
may sound strange...

but I wonder if I could
keep that doll for a souvenir.

- Any use for it, O'Hara?
- Heh.

Not for me. The sooner we get this mocking
thing out of headquarters, the better I like it.

With all our compliments, Bruce.

A souvenir of your, uh,
narrow brush with crime. Ha, ha.

Thank you, commissioner.

We're already
late for the concert.

But if you need us for
anything, just let us know.

A fat lot of help he'd be
against someone like the Joker.

Oh, he's a good
man, Bruce Wayne.

But not even all his money
could buy us another Batman.

Gosh, nothing but perfectly
ordinary dust patterns.

Hmm.

Disappointing, all right.

I'd hoped for some clue to the
location of his secret hideout.

- Think it's worth checking for secret writing?
- I hardly think so.

That's not the Joker's
way of working.

But why did the Joker throw the doll through
the window? What was the point of it?

- I think I've got it.
- You have, Batman?

What other kind of clown is
there besides a circus clown?

I'll give you a hint.

Tonight there's going to be a live telecast
of the Gotham City Opera Company.

Golly, Batman,
I still don't get it.

They're performing a certain
celebrated Italian opera.

- Holy ravioli.
- You're warm.

Pagliacci.

That's beautiful.

I always... I always
loved that song.

Sing "Melancholy Baby."

Joker!

It's my mother-in-law.

They shouldn't be
out with those colds.

And now people of Gotham City...

the moment you have
all been waiting for.

The grand finale, the
climax of my performance...

the zenith of my career.

The unmasking of Batman
and Robin the Boy Wonder.