Batman (1966–1968): Season 1, Episode 33 - Fine Finny Fiends - full transcript

Gotham City. Another fine day.

But on a side
street, not so fine.

A small fish store.

Something smells, and
it's not last week's mackerel.

Psst. Alfred the
butler. Get ready.

No, no, Shark. You wanna warn
him? Get that thing out of sight.

Yes, sir.

Can I help you?
Fresh fish today?

Well, that depends.

Yeah, I ran across
this handbill...

advertising cut-rate caviar.



Oh, yes, sir. Right this way.

- The best in town.
- So I hope.

I should never permit myself
to serve anything but the best.

How much you need?

Couple ounces? Half a pound?

Twenty pounds at
least, my good man.

A pound per guest.

- Now, pardon me, ladies.
- Heh, heh, heh.

Mm. Very mild. Now, if
it's all as good as this...

What's the meaning of this?

Help! Police!

Help! Help! Help!

Help! I say!

Yes, commissioner.



Not only did some passersby
see Alfred, the Wayne butler...

being carried to a
waiting car by hoodlums...

but the hoodlums had umbrellas.

We found this one at the scene.

Notice what's on the tip. Hm?

- Hm. Smells like caviar.
- Mm.

There's no doubt, commissioner.

- No doubt or me name ain't...
- O'Hara.

- Chief O'Hara.
- That's right.

Umbrellas, the absolute sign.

We're dealing with that waddling
pirate of plunder, the Penguin himself.

Or do we deal with him?

Oh, you hit the nail right
on the head, commissioner.

Oh, any ordinary crook,
the department can handle.

But when it comes to
the likes of the Penguin...

why, there's only
one being on earth.

Yes, commissioner, what is it?

Thank heavens I got you, Batman.

It's the Penguin
again. A kidnapping.

The Penguin, eh?
Who's his victim this time?

Batman, you know Bruce Wayne
the multimillionaire, of course.

- Of course.
- Well, the Penguin's victim is none other...

than Bruce Wayne's
butler, Alfred.

Batman, are you
there? Did you hear me?

Yes, I heard you, commissioner.
We'll join you at once.

Who is it, Bruce? Has the Penguin
kidnapped someone special?

Dick, I'm afraid you better put
your Latin verbs aside for the nonce.

The missing man is Alfred.

Holy Wayne Manor. You
don't mean our Alfred?

Yes, Dick, I mean our Alfred.

To the Batpoles.

Atomic batteries to power.

- Turbines to speed.
- Roger, ready to move out.

No doubt at all.

It does indeed point to Penguin.

Chief O'Hara, I congratulate
you on your keen deduction.

Hm? Oh, it was nothing.

But what troubles me is what
them hoodlums did with Alfred.

- They obviously took him somewhere.
- Very strange.

- What is, Robin?
- I'm sure you've noticed, Batman.

Alfred the butler has been kidnapped,
but there's no ransom demand.

By thunderation,
the lad is right.

But if it wasn't ransom that
the Penguin's after, what then?

I think I can answer
that, Chief O'Hara.

The multimillionaires'
annual award dinner.

The one at which a
dozen multimillionaires...

each donate a million dollars
cash to a chosen charity?

What does Alfred the
butler have to do with that?

It's not common knowledge, but
Alfred is the majordomo at that affair.

And I happen to know that his
employer, Mr. Bruce Wayne...

attends that dinner every year.

Batman, the location's
kept secret to avoid publicity.

The only ones who know... Oh.

Beg pardon, Boy Wonder?

If Alfred oversees the food and
service, he knows where it's held.

And that means...

Exactly, Robin.

That's what the
Penguin is after.

He kidnapped Alfred to force him
to divulge the location of the dinner.

Good thinking, Robin.

And $12 million is nothing to
sneeze at, even for Penguin.

Come on, Robin, let's race to the scene
of the kidnapping. We may find a clue.

But, Batman, the
fish store is empty.

It's a false fish store.

That's right, we checked
it over from stem to stern.

Meaning no offense, Chief O'Hara, your
department is the finest in the land...

but where you failed,
Robin and I may succeed.

Ah, the Dynamic Duo.

What would we do
without them, O'Hara?

Oh, commissioner,
don't even whisper it.

Oh, I shudder to
think of what might...

Uh-oh. I'm forgetting.

Parking lot, clear all
exits for the Batmobile.

And meanwhile on
Gotham City's waterfront...

the riverside rendezvous of the
Penguin and his fine, finny fiends.

Seagoing scoundrels all.

Octopus, some more ink.

Coming, boss.

Hm...

What do you think,
Penguin Poopsey?

It's lovely, Finella, my
little pollywog, lovely.

You're not even looking.
You told me to practice...

and you'd make sure that I
won a bathing beauty contest.

You will, I'll see to that.

It's all part and parcel of
my piratical plan. Ha, ha, ha.

But that will come later.

Right now I have
other fish to fry.

Stop it, you ruffian.
Don't do that.

Talk! Where's this here
multimillionaire dinner gonna be held?

Maybe I ought to
run this through you.

Shark, you mal brain!

But, boss, I gotta
make him tell.

Tell what? He can't tell
what he doesn't know.

- Doesn't know?
- Quite true, I do not know.

Not that I'd tell you if I did.

But, boss, if he don't have
the answer, what good is he?

Well, you don't comprehend my super-
calculated trickery, but you will. Ha, ha, ha.

And so will you,
Alfred, my boy...

when I put you in The
Penguin Box. Ha, ha, ha.

And I'll teach you how to
waddle like the penguin do.

You're right, it's
no secret now...

because the location of the
dinner hasn't been decided upon.

But when it has, you won't
be a silent butler anymore.

- You'll be a babbling butler.
- Never.

- It simply isn't done to betray one's master.
- Exactly, exactly.

And this Penguin Box
will make me your master.

- Everything ready?
- All set, boss.

Switch.

Hey, zombie stuff.

- He's brainwashed.
- Precisely.

As I say, my Penguin
Box never fails.

He's coming under
my power. Now watch.

You will remember none of this.

I will remember none of this.

What you will remember is...

the time...

The time...

- and the place...
- and the place...

of the
multimillionaires' dinner.

Of the
multimillionaires' dinner.

- Is that clear?
- Yes.

- Yes, what?
- Yes, sir.

Only a smear of caviar.

Chief O'Hara was right.

Not a clue in sight.

What's that on the floor, Robin,
that crumpled piece of paper?

Just an ad for this place.

"Big sale. Cut-rate caviar.

First come, first served."

Look closer, the
name of the proprietor.

"Knott A. Fish."

- Knott A. Fish?
- Don't you see, Robin?

- If he's not a fish...
- Of course. Holy subliminal.

If he's not a fish, he
must be the Penguin.

Exactly. Good deduction.

The Bat-phone in the Batmobile.

Remember, Robin,
always look both ways.

- Yes?
- This is Commissioner Gordon, Batman.

- What's wrong, commissioner?
- Not a thing, Batman.

For once, I'm happy to say
I'm the bearer of good news.

I'm happy to tell you that Mr. Wayne's butler
Alfred has not been kidnapped after all.

Not kidnapped? What
does he mean, Batman?

I heard that, Boy Wonder.
Heh, heh, heh. Ugh.

I mean, he has not
been kidnapped.

Alfred the butler has turned up?

Safe and sound as a dollar.
And you'll never guess where.

Right back home at the stately mansion
of his employer, millionaire Bruce Wayne.

Thank you, commissioner.
That's good news.

Holy puzzlers, Batman.
It's great that Alfred is safe.

- But somehow it sounds fishy to me.
- It certainly does, Robin.

The sooner we talk to Alfred ourselves, the
sooner we'll have the answers. Let's go.

But of course I
smell fishy, sir.

One does not purchase
20 pounds of caviar...

without attaining a certain
effluvium of fish eggs.

I had to hang out my
morning coat to wear.

But, Alfred, you were
reported kidnapped.

Batman and I came from the
fish store where they grabbed you.

Fish store? What fish store?

The one you went to,
to purchase the caviar.

I never went to any fish
store, sir. I did as I always do...

purchased it direct through
the Iranian Embassy.

Why? Is anything
the matter, sir?

- Where did you get that twitch?
- Get what, sir?

That twitch.

Twitch, sir? What twitch?

We'll never learn where the
Penguin took him this way.

Patience. There's more than
one way to locate a criminal.

Let's try the memory
Batbank on Alfred.

- Good idea.
- Alfred?

Mm-hm.

Would you like to look at some photographs
to see if you recognize some people?

Photos? Oh, gladly sir.

Yes?

A criminal type, sir, obviously.

And a smooth one.

They can be the most dangerous.

But not familiar?

No, sir, a total stranger.

Also a total stranger, and
I may add, I'm glad of it.

"Shark"? Hm. An
interesting appellation.

But you don't know him?

No, never seen him before, sir.

A rogue, if ever I saw one.

But this is my first
glimpse of him.

Now, Alfred, how about this one?

A fiend, sir. Obviously
a perfect fiend.

May one inquire as to his name?

His name is Penguin.

Penguin. Hm. Never
seen him before, sir.

Oh, excuse me, sir. This
is all most interesting...

but in a few minutes,
your guests will be here.

- Guests?
- Yes, Master Robin. The multimillionaires.

Alfred's right. The
rehearsal dinner.

We must be there. If we're not, it
would be a breach of good manners.

- Thank you for remembering, Alfred.
- Thank you, sir. A good butler never forgets.

Oh, the crabmeat canapés. I must
pop them in the oven right away.

Good idea, this rehearsal.

The ladies, such worthy causes.

I personally favor Miss,
uh, Natural Resources.

I'd like to make her my
own personal charity.

- All are worthy.
- You can say that again.

And that is Bruce Wayne's
grandfather, Mrs. Cooper?

His great-grandfather.

I understand he was
tapped for Skull and Bones.

Tapped for it?

Sir, he founded Skull and Bones.

- Canapé, miss?
- Oh, no, thank you.

I have to watch my figure.

I quite understand.

How do we decide
where we have dinner?

By vote, as usual, in
the democratic way.

- Canapé, sir?
- Don't mind if I do.

Hey, what's this?

A fishhook.

I'm terribly sorry, sir. It must've
fallen out of my morning coat.

- Your morning coat?
- Yes, sir.

The one I wore this morning when
I was preparing the canapés, sir.

Excuse me, old boy.

- Sir, do have another. I assure you the risk...
- Fallen from his coat, the one he wore.

Yes, this morning, when
the Penguin grabbed him.

A clue, Dick. Quickly,
back to the Batcave.

A fishhook. Clearly
that must mean...

- The waterfront.
- Holy fog, of course.

Where on the waterfront?
It runs for 146 miles.

You're forgetting the other clue,
Robin. Knott A. Fish, proprietor.

Let's see if the same name
pops up for a fishing pier.

No.

"Knott A. Fish." That's it.

"South Pier." Let's go.

Gosh, Batman, it
just occurred to me.

What if Penguin
is prepared for us?

- I hope he's not.
- But if he is?

That's a chance we
have to take, Robin.

We waiting for somebody, boss?

- Boss, it's the Batmobile.
- Yes.

Batman and Robin.

I knew that that fishhook
would fetch them.

You knew? You mean, you
bring them here on purpose?

They'll grab us.
That's the finish.

The finish for them, not
for us, my quaking cohorts.

But they're not captured
yet. If I may coin a phrase:

"There's many a slip,
so zipper your lip."

Here they come. Inside.

Quick.

Out of sight.

Finella, what are you doing?

Gee, Batman is handsome...

what I can make
out under the mask.

What you can make, my
dear, is make yourself scarce.

You may as well give
yourself up, Penguin.

Close your gills.

Holy clockwork. What next?

It proves he's here.

- Come on, Robin.
- Ah.

Argh!

Where is he?

Okay, come on.

Pengy, baby, I'm just not sure
that this is the right bathing suit.

Hey.

Argh!

Don't!

- But, boss, they're still breathing.
- Ah.

So they are, eh?

We'll remedy that...

by putting them in the...
Ha. In a vacuum tank.

Not the vacuum tank,
boss. It ain't human.

No, no, it ain't, is it?

Well, come on, you
mud-headed finks. Follow me.

Greetings, Dynamic
Duo. Ha, ha, ha.

Enough for all,
but not for long.

Come on, you finny finks.

- Keep the bellows working.
- How awful.

Yes, isn't it? Hand me that.

Wake up, Caped Crusader.

Yes, Batman, the
air is growing thinner.

As it does, the balloons will
begin to expand and burst...

so you watch the
balloons, Batman.

When all of them have burst,
the two of you will be finished.